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" Citizen Soldiers" (5)
" Putin' Out" (5)
" Thin Ice"(9)
""I Ain't Got Much" (5)
""Soft Memories" (7)
"$100, Are You Sure?" (5)
"0 Preservative Added"(2)
"105 Minute Workday"(9)
"16 Percent Factor"(3)
"176,000,000 to 1"(8)
"26 Damn Dollars"(6)
"3 Percent Turnout" (2)
"37 Come 11" (5)
"3:10 to Yuma" (7)
"50 Weeks of Reality TV"
"501 (c)(4)"
"54 Pounds" (8)
"8.8 Pounds"(6)
"A Capitol Idea" (6)
"A Code in My Node"
"A Course is a Course"(2)
"A Day At The Beach" (3)
"A Dog Named Bo" (5)
"A Hobbit of an Idea"
"A Man's Army"
"A Patriot Act" (7)
"A Patriotic Act"
"A Perfect World"
"A soldier booed?'(7)
"A Space Odyssey" (4)
"A Taxing Story" (5)
"A Thousand Campfires"(4)
"A Three Hour Tour"(8)
"A Touch of Class"(5)
"A Waisted Day" (5)
"A Woman Scorned"
"A-Train"
"AAARRRGGGHH" (6)
"Aagh,I'll Pay,I'll Pay"
"Abe Wong, of Gondor"(5)
"Act I, Scene I" (8)
"Act I, Scene II" (8)
"Act I, Scene III" (8)
"Adjustable 2nd Card"(3)
"Adjusting Policies"
"Adjusting the Clock"(8)
"Aegean Adventure" (2)
"Ah ah ah Stayin' Alive"
"Airline Highway" (5)
"Alan Scott" (7)
"All Aboard"
"All Bets Are In" (2)
"All Charged Up"
"All Good Things" (4)
"Allah Be Praised" (5)
"Almost Heaven" (2)
"Alpha Dog"(7)
"Alright, Who Did It?"(7)
"Also Sprach Frodo" (4)
"Always Wear Gloves" (3)
"AM Radio Next?"
"America's Toilet" (6)
"American Cemetery"(8)
"An Admission"
"An Apple A Day" (7)
"An Hour A Day" (6)
"An Ugly American"(4)
"Anchorman" (6)
"And the Winner Is" (2)
"Andy Griffith Redux"
"Another Single Woman?"
"Another Three-namer"(5)
"Another Time/Place"(4)
"Anvil Throwin' Time"(8)
"Apocalypse Now?" (3)
"Aragorn" (4)
"Armored Dildos" (3)
"As Far As We Know" (2)
"Ask Ann Landers" (3)
"Assembly LineDancing"(4)
"Astronaughty" (2)
"Atlanta Times Three"
"Augmentation" (2)
"Augustus Agonistes" (5)
"Aurora Borealis" (8)
"Autumnal Observances"(2)
"Avast You Lubbers"(6)
"Baby Doctors (2)"
"Baby Fiona"(7)
"Baby Nathan Yahoo"(10)
"Back Door Basra (2)"
"Back inthe Saddle Again"
"Bad Boys, Bad Boys"
"Bad Time for Bonzo" (3)
"Balance of Nature" (3)
"Balance of Payments"(5)
"Balancing the Budget"
"Ballamer" (4)
"Balls"(10)
"Bang the Drum Slowly"
"Bank Prank" (5)
"Baptists are Pussies"(7)
"Barbed Wire Escape (2)"
"Barbie Banditos" (3)
"Barely Bearble"(7)
"Barely Defensible" (2)
"Barry Me Not (2)"
"Bathroom onna Right"(3)
"Beach Music" (7)
"Because It Is Hard" (4)
"Beechwood 4-5789"(6)
"Belling the Cat" (2)
"Ben McGee" (3)
"Benny and the Jets"(5)
"Berlusconi in Love"(6)
"Best be straight Boy"(5)
"Best Day/Worst Day"(6)
"Best in the South" (5)
"Best in the World?"(5)
"Betray Us" (3)
"Bettah than Etta"(4)
"Better Man" (3)
"Better Than Pong"
"Big Time Sports" (3)
"Big Words,LittleMind"(6)
"Bilbo's Birthday (2)"
"Bilbo's Little Boy"(5)
"Bilbo's Revenge" (5)
"Bill and Hillary (2)"
"Billy World" (2)
"Bimini Babes" (3)
"Bird is the Word" (3)
"Birmingham Jail" (5)
"Birthday Baggins"
"Birthday Buddies" (7)
"Birthday Memory" (4)
"Birthin' No Babies" (3)
"Bishop to King's Castle"
"bitch,bitch,bitch"(6)
"Black Friday" (2)
"Black Gold, Texas Tea"
"Black Hole Blues" (4)
"Black Jack"
"Black Russians" (6)
"Black Widow" (3)
"Blackboard Jungle"
"Blame Game" (3)
"Bleached Bones" (5)
"Blitzkrieg Bellini" (2)
"Blood and Swash" (3)
"Bloopers" (5)
"Blue Christmas" (2)
"Bo's Birthday"(5)
"Bob Sikes' Cut"(9)
"Bob, Bob, Bobbit" (3)
"Bobby, not Ben"(6)
"Bon Air Bellicose" (4)
"Bon Giorno" (6)
"Bona Lisa" (5)
"Bonds-v-Skvara" (3)
"Boo Boo Poo Poo"(9)
"Boromir & Galadriel"(5)
"Bottled in Thyme"(7)
"Bottom Ten"(9)
"Bovine Stem Cells?"
"Boy, I Say Boy"
"Boycott BP"
"Breaker, Breaker" (4)
"Breakin' rules" (7)
"Breaking News" (7)
"Brer Fox (2)"
"Bridge at Andau"(11)
"Bring Back Ross" (2)
"Bring the Bowl"
"Broken News"(10)
"Brother of the Ring"
"Brownback Mountain"
"Brownie Hawkeye"
"Buckwheat Breathes" (2)
"Bumper Sticker"
"Burn Baby, Burn" (3)
"Bush in the Bullrushes"
"Bush Baby, Bush (2)"
"Bush is Chinese?" (2)
"Bush Press Conference"
"Bush-Bashers Be We (2)"
"Bushenomics"
"Busman's Holiday(2)"
"Butt...Butt...Butt" (3)
"Butterflies? Sheesh!"
"Buttermilk Drops" (3)
"Buy a Subaru" (11)
"Buy Stock in America"(6)
"Cabin Fever" (5)
"Cain Not Able" (7)
"Cake in the Rain"
"Cake in the Rain"(3)
"Call Me Ishmael" (3)
"Callista, an Albino?"(7)
"Camp Pleasant" (2)
"Can She Name Them?(2)"
"Can You Hear Me Now?"
"Canaan Conspiracy"(6)
"Candygram" (4)
"Captive Audience"(6)
"Caramel or Carmel?"(3)
"Carolina Cougar(2)"
"Carolina Curmudgeon" (5)
"Cartoon Characters" (3)
"Case of Packy Stann"(3)
"Cash crash crashed?"(5)
"Cat Fight" (5)
"Caterpillar Quandry" (3)
"Causal Relationships"(9)
"Cause It's One, (2)"
"Ceramic s"
"Ch-ch-changin'" (4)
"Change a'comin" (5)
"Change is Good" (5)
"Change?" (3)
"Changin' Channels" (2)
"Chapter 13"
"Chariots of Fire"
"Chariots' a' Comin'"(4)
"Chassahowitzka" (2)
"Chauncey Gardner"(7)
"Checkmate"(5)
"Chemical Alley" (6)
"Cheney of Fools" (2)
"Cherem" (3)
"Chew my Gazebo, Willya?"
"Chief Noc-a-Homa" (3)
"Chingachgook Lives"
"Chipmonkeys Alert (2)"
"Chipper" (6)
"Christian Balls"(10)
"Christian the Lion"(4)
"Christian Valuelessness"
"Christmas Communique"(3)
"Christmas, 1936" (2)
"Chutzpah Hooters" (4)
"Cilled a Bar?" (3)
"Cindy, oh Cindy"(4)
"Citizen Soldiers" (2)
"Clark and Lois (2)"
"Classified Ads are Cool"
"Claymore Gregg" (3)
"Clean Machine" (2)
"Clean up in Aisle 4!"(4)
"Climb It Chains" (8)
"Clinton Cuts" (7)
"Clone Chipper,Please"(4)
"Cockatiel Lounge" (2)
"College of the Shire"(6)
"Colosseum"
"Combat Kelly (2)"
"Come On Baby"(8)
"Come on Down" (3)
"Comin' Clean" (5)
"Comin' Home" (3)
"Commencement (2)"
"Comparables" (6)
"Condi for President" (3)
"Cone of Silence" (4)
"Conflagration" (3)
"Confusion Reigns"(10)
"Congress Goes to War (2)
"Congress' Schmidthead"
"Conspiracy Theory" (4)
"Copy Cat Chinese" (5)
"Country Roads" (7)
"Crawford Convention" (2)
"Crikey" (2)
"Crime and Punishment(2)"
"Crotch Rocket Delite"(4)
"Cult of the Wild"(7)
"Curious, George?"
"Currahee" (5)
"Da Juice Is Back" (3)
"Dad" (5)
"Damages Done (2)"
"Damn Close" (4)
"Damn It To Hell" (5)
"Damn Lies" (7)
"Dandy Dale" (7)
"Danger Will Robinson"(5)
"Danger,Will Robinson"(8)
"Darth Dick" (5)
"Darwin's Company" (4)
"Das Boot"
"Das Ende" (6)
"Date With David" (2)
"Day of Infamy" (4)
"Day-O, Me Wan Go"(7)
"De Tar-Ball Baby" (6)
"Dead Honkey"
"Dearest Bilbo"
"Debits on the Left?" (2)
"Decisions, Decisions"(6)
"Deep and Dark" (5)
"Deep Shiite" (3)
"Degree of Separation"(6)
"Deja 1958 Over Again"
"Deja Who?"(7)
"Delano" (4)
"DevelopmentalStudies"(4)
"Diazinon Ditties (2)"
"Dick Clark Top 10(2)"
"Dimmer Switch" (6)
"Dirty Copter" (4)
"Do They Like Kool Aid?"
"Doctor, Mr. MD"(9)
"Dodged a Bullet"(7)
"Dogmobile" (3)
"Dogs Rule"
"Doing the Right Thing"
"Don't Cut My DSL" (5)
"Don't Feed the Animals"
"Dont Touch That Dial"(6)
"Doofus" (9)
"Doohan's Delight" (3)
"Doris Miller" (6)
"Dorothy Rose" (4)
"Double Deal" (6)
"Doubting Thomases" (3)
"Doug Williams"(4)
"Dover" (4)
"Down Below Back Home"(4)
"Downtown Cardinals"(9)
"Dr. Phil" (5)
"DroughtExitStragedy"(3)
"Dubai-Bye" (3)
"Dueling Banjos" (3)
"Dumb and Dumber" (3)
"Dumb As We Wanna Be"(3)
"Dumber Than Dirt" (3)
"Dumbest Politico (2)"
"Eager Uighurs" (4)
"Early Admission" (8)
"Eight Nine Four" (4)
"Elect Jeff Jackson"(10)
"Elizabeth I" (5)
"Emily Latella Lives"
"Emperor's Clothes" (2)
"End of the Line"
"Ending Sams Patience"(7)
"Engine Uprisin'" (4)
"Ensign Pulver"(5)
"EOTUS" (5)
"Equinox Approaching"(10)
"Equinoxious" (4)
"ERA"
"Escalator Escalatin'"(5)
"ESP" (6)
"Etchings, Anyone?"(5)
"Ethel Merman Lives"
"Eve, It's Oil!"
"Evenin' Govnah" (6)
"Everyday Miracles"
"Evil Thoughts" (3)
"Eye Opener" (3)
"Eyes of a Gorilla"
"Fair is Fare"(7)
"Falcon" (8)
"Fall Ball" (3)
"Fallin' Behind"(11)
"Falling Apart" (9)
"Fargo Felines" (5)
"Fashionable Frodo" (5)
"Father Ed" (3)
"Faux les Bas" (2)
"Female Insurgency (2)"
"Ferengi or Ferangi?" (3)
"Fergit? Hell No!"
"Film at 11"
"Findin' William"(11)"
"Firing US Attorneys" (3)
"First Freeze" (6)
"First Learn to Lose"
"First National Bank" (5)
"First Sentence" (8)
"Five Easy Pieces" (4)
"Float Yer Boat" (4)
"Flower Power (2)"
"Foe Years Old" (4)
"Follow the Money"
"Followin' Ava" (4)
"For More Years" (3)
"Forbidden Fruit"
"Fords and Dads" (2)
"Foreclosure Follies" (7)
"Foreclosure Notice" (6)
"Forest Primeval"(8)
"Form 666" (3)
"Forms For Everything"(6)
"Foundling Fathers"(7)
"Fourteen Years Ago?"(5)
"Fox Views" (3)
"Frack You" (7)
"Frances Died Today"(7)
"Fred's Dead Head" (3)
"Free at Last"
"Free Hidden Telecast"(4)
"Freedom? Hell No" (3)
"Friend by Your Side" (3)
"Friend by your Side" (4)
"Friendly Persuasion" (5)
"Friends of Bill" (7)
"Frist Friends"
"Frodo and Housman" (2)
"Frodo and Jesus"
"Frodo and Revere?"(7)
"Frodo And Truckers (2)"
"Frodo Dissents" (6)
"Frodo Not Foggo (2)"
"Frodo of Arabia(2)"
"Frodo Op" (5)
"Frodo Regrets"
"Frodo Study Group" (2)
"Frodo visits Bilbo"
"Frodo's Almanac"(9)
"Frodo's Bad Day"
"Frodo's Book Club"(5)
"Frodo's Dilemma" (3)
"Frodo's Faux Pas" (3)
"Frodo's Final Four" (3)
"Frodo's Foreign Policy"
"Frodo's Hall of Fame"(4)
"Frodo's Newer Friend"(6)
"Frodo's Retirement"(8)
"Frodo's Revenge"
"Frodo's Revenge"(7)
"Frodo's Solutions" (6)
"Frodo's Xmas Story"(6)
"Frodo, James Frodo" (3)
"Furriners" (4)
"Gainful Employment" (3)
"Galadriel Is No More"(3)
"Gandalf's Challenge (2)"
"Garland Duesenberry" (2)
"Gas Guzzler A-Go-Go"
"Gasp, Wheeze (2)"
"Gay Faux Holes" (5)
"Genarlow de Chariot" (3)
"Genesis Ignored" (3)
"Geneva Accords Redux"
"Geography Lesson" (3)
"George to the Rescue"(3)
"Georgia on my Mind"(3)
"Getting Your Wish" (3)
"Gidget Goes Gondor"(7)
"Gimme Head With Hair"(3)
"Girls Night Out" (6)
"Give 'em Hell, Tom" (5)
"Give Heath a Chance (2)"
"Give Us Your Tired. . ."
"Giving Way to Anger" (2)
"Glenn Frey"(11)
"Glory Days"
"Goin' Home" (3)
"Gondor Goodfellas"(9)
"Gondor Gravitas" (3)
"Good Cop" (7)
"Good Day America" (6)
"Good Friday It Was"(9)
"Good Friday, Maybe"(11)
"Good Ol Mountain Dew"(5)
"Good Son"
"Goodbye Kids (2)"
"Goodbye, Ethan" (2)
"Goodman is Hard to Find"
"Goose Again"
"GOP Convention" (3)
"Gotta Have a Home (2)"
"Grading on a Curve"
"Graffiti Government" (2)
"Great American Hero"
"Great American Hero" (2)
"Greatest Duet Ever"(6)
"Greed is Good"(5)
"Greetings" (8)
"Grissom not Gruesome"(4)
"Groupies for Edwards"(4)
"Guess We Forgot?"(8)
"Guest Workers (2)"
"Guns of August" (7)
"Guts of August" (3)
"Gwinnett Again?" (3)
"Halo, 1,2,3?" (3)
"Ham I Am" (3)
"Handi-Wipes" (3)
"Hang 'em High" (2)
"Hanky Time, Ladies"
"Happens in Threes"(5)
"Happy Anniversary"(9)
"Happy Mardi Gras"(2)
"Harpo Speaks"
"Harry" (2)
"Harry's Bar-Venice" (2)
"Hatfield-vs-McCoy"
"Hawkeye, Redux"(7)
"Haz Mat" (3)
"He Ate the Olive!"(7)
"He is deeply missed (2)"
"He Picks Up Poop?" (5)
"He Took De Bait" (8)
"He's 'Little Ricky'?"(7)
"Healthcare for Frodo"(5)
"Heart Soar Like Hawk"(5)
"Heck of an Engineer"(7)
"Hedge Fund Hippies" (3)
"Heeeerrre's Frodo" (3)
"Heeere's Johnny" (6)
"Heeerrrre's Frodo" (3)
"Hello, Mr. Wilson" (5)
"Hello? Central?" (3)
"Help Wanted"
"Helping Frodo" (4)
"Here Come da Judge" (2)
"Here Come da Judge" (6)
"Here Kitty-Kitty" (4)
"Here Kitty-kitty"(5)
"Here's Help, Now Leave"
"Here's Your Watch" (3)
"Hi Jinx" (5)
"Hide Anythin' Edible"(5)
"High Chair" (2)
"Hobbits And a Truck"(4)
"Hold On Romo" (2)
"Hold the Malaise" (4)
"Homeless"
"Honey Dew List"(9)
"Hopalong Frodo"(9)
"Horn of Africa (2)"
"Horse Latitudes" (6)
"Horsehockey" (3)
"Hosea Can You See" (3)
"Hosea Can You See?" (3)
"Hot Tamale" (3)
"Hotel Plimhimmon"(9)
"HOV or DOA?" (3)
"How Dogs Love Us" (10)
"How Many Delegates?"
"How Many Delegates?" (3)
"How Now Broun Cow"(8)
"Hraka" (4)
"Huckleberry Hound" (3)
"Hund Scheisse CSI" (5)
"Hungarian Answer" (4)
"I Believe in Music (2)"
"I can hope, can't I?"(9)
"I Could Cry" (2)
"I Inspired You?"
"I say it's Spinach. . ."
"I'll Get Back to You"(3)
"I'll Huff and Puff" (4)
"I'll Take a Vowel"
"I'm Baaack" (2)
"I'mSo In LoveWithYou"(7)
"Ides of March Again" (4)
"Ides of Texas" (6)
"IED's in Congress" (2)
"If Frodo Ran The DHS"(5)
"If It Ain't OneThing"(5)
"If the truth be told"(6)
"If You Remember,Then"(6)
"If" (6)
"Imagine,General Newt"(6)
"Imitation of Life" (5)
"Immigration Reform (2)"
"Impregnated"(10)
"In a Galaxy Far Away(2)"
"In a Pig's Eye" (4)
"In Dog We Trust" (10)
"In the Beginning"
"In the Beginning" (3)
"Incomparable Moron" (4)
"Indoor Toilets Rule" (4)
"Intersex Village" (2)
"Interstate Parking (2)"
"Ion Propulsion"(7)
"Iran's Tom Hayden"
"Irish Spring"(3)
"Is it in the Water?"
"Is That in America?" (2)
"Is You da One,Jimmy?"(3)
"Islamic Fundamentals"(8)
"Isn't Amnesty Good?"(3)
"Isn't Change Good?"(6)
"It's A Trap" (6)
"It's Just a Movie"
"It's Just Business"
"Ja, Wir Konnen."
"Jack Crabb" (10)
"Jambo Jumbo" (3)
"Japanese Movie?" (3)
"Je suis Frodo"(10)
"Jefferson Rock" (3)
"Jes' the facts Ma'am"(4)
"Jim Crow" (5)
"Joad Family Reunion?"(6)
"Joad Jobs" (4)
"Joe Soptic" (8)
"Jonestown Redux" (3)
"Jose and Claudia" (4)
"Joshua Generation" (3)
"Just Another Day" (3)
"Just Clearin' Brush"(3)
"Just Desserts (2)"
"Just Desserts" (7)
"Just Say 'Nyet'"(7)
"Just to CU Smile" (5)
"Kandy Kakes 2"
"Ken Meets Jack"
"Key Word Apology" (6)
"Killer's Geraldine" (4)
"Kilowatts Per Mile" (6)
"Kiribati Republic"(6)
"Kirk Saves Nemo"
"Kiss a Girl Goodbye"(2)
"Knew You Not Pompey?"(3)
"Kodak Moment" (2)
"Kool Sailboat" (4)
"Korea, Korea" (2)
"Kudlow's Kreeps"(4)
"Lady of Rohan" (3)
"Land Ho"(8)
"Lean and Hungry " (2)
"Leeward, I Say, Leeward"
"Legs Diamond" (3)
"Legs" (3)
"Leslie" (4)
"Lessons Learned" (2)
"Let Them Eat Cake"
"Let's Bake Cookies" (3)
"Let's Play A Game" (6)
"Letter Home" (6)
"Letter to Lou" (4)
"Liberal Lament" (40)
"Lief, Leaf, or Loaf"(8)
"Life In A Red State"
"Lights of Chicago"
"Like a Barack" (2)
"Limbaugh Hero"(7)
"Lime Bandits" (3)
"Lime is on my side" (6)
"Limestone Cowboys" (3)
"Lip Smackin' Good?"(6)
"Little Big Horn (2)"
"Little Houdini" (5)
"Little Sky"
"Littlest Angel" (2)
"Livin' is Easy?"(7)
"Loans and Deposits" (4)
"Lois, I Never Lie"(8)
"Lonely Avenue" (3)
"Lonesome Frodo" (3)
"Look away Dixieland"(6)
"Look for da Union Label"
"Look Who's Talkin'" (2)
"Lookin' Back, Texas" (3)
"Lost Weekend"(8)
"Low Water, Slow Flow"(3)
"Lox? Or Locks?" (7)
"Lunatic Cattle Call"(8)
"M-G-M Material"
"Ma Bell is Baaack" (3)
"Ma Bell Lives" (7)
"Macaca, Your Macaca" (2)
"Mad Dogs&Englishmen"(6)
"Made You Look" (6)
"Magic Fridge (2)"
"Magic Moments"(7)
"Make Jobs, Not War"(7)
"MaMa's Little Babies"(3)
"Man For All Seasons" (2)
"Man of the Century"
"Man Up, Harry"(6)
"Man's Best Friend?"
"Many happy returns"
"March Forth" (8)
"Marking Time" (3)
"Martyr Magic" (2)
"Marvelous Mac"(8)
"Mary Lee & Genie"(8)
"Master of None" (8)
"MatriculationMadness"(5)
"May Day, Comrade"(7)
"Maynard G. Krebs" (7)
"McCan't"(9)
"Medal of Honor" (6)
"Media is the Message(2)"
"Media Reporting" (6)
"Memories"(10)
"Mental Healthcare" (4)
"Michelle, my Belle"(7)
"Mick's Day"(8)
"Mickey and Me"(6)
"MidSummer Nights Dream"(7)
"Mikileaks" (6)
"Missionary Position" (3)
"Missionary Position" (7)
"Mississipp' Sippin'"(2)
"Mister Roberts" (8)
"Moamar:The Movie"(7)
"Mohair Sam" (5)
"Mon Petit Shoe"(4)
"Monkeys in Mississippi"
"Moody Blue"(7)
"Moody" (7)
"Mooman" (3)
"Moon Over Miami"(4)
"Mooosic" (5)
"Moovin' On Up" (2)
"Mordor or Antarctica?"
"More Than Some" (4)
"Moultrie Poultry" (3)
"Mount Mulch" (2)
"Movin' On Up" (2)
"Mr. Toad's Motorcar (2)"
"Mudbums"(9)
"Mumbai, My Lord" (4)
"Murtha For President(2)"
"N. Leroy" (7)
"Name That Tune"(4)
"Nascaroil" (4)
"Nat King Cole Sucks"(5)
"NCAA---Blech!" (7)
"Nein, nein, nein"(7)
"Never Doubt Bilbo"
"Never heard of him"
"Nevermore"(6)
"New Life, Old Leaves"(4)
"Newest Friend"(8)
"Newman's Own" (4)
"Newt/Mitt '12" (3)
"Next Case" (6)
"Next Door Neighbors" (3)
"NFL Commissioner (2)"
"NFL Trade" (3)
"Nielsen Ratings" (2)
"Nine Months PG" (7)
"Nixon Agonistes" (3)
"Nkosi"
"No Faux News?" (3)
"No Googling Allowed"(4)
"No Humor Today"
"No Peanut Left Behind"
"No Sale" (3)
"No, Not Russian" (4)
"No-No, No" (3)
"Nobody Even Asked"(8)
"Noo Yawk Stateamind"(2)
"Not a Bang,a Whimper"(7)
"Not Funny, Dr Jones"(5)
"Not North Carolina" (6)
"Not Percy Sledge?" (3)
"Not Percy Sledge?"(3)
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"Que?"
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Southern Pine Beetles"(4)
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Citizens of Middle Earth
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Frodo, Keeper of the Ring
Monday, May 16, 2005
You Probably Think This Song is About You
Mood:  smelly
Topic: "AM Radio Next?"
CNBC has announced, albeit very quietly, the cancellation of the "Dennis Miller Show." From its' peak viewership of approximately 168,000 close friends and relatives, the current figure of approximately 114,000 was too much for even little-watched CNBC to tolerate. For scope purposes, there are soccer matches which have greater physical attendance than the sum total of all viewers that Mr. Miller was able to obtain.

Frodo has taken note of the backward career of the former "Saturday Night Live" replacement for Chevy Chase on "Weekend Update." After Mr. Miller took over, the segment soon disappeared. From there Mr. Miller made his first foray into Pay-TV when he began to appear on HBO with "Dennis Miller Live." This high point in his career actually proved that Miller had a pulse. Given that assurance, he was able to convince the right-wing nutbag Al Michaels that he would be an addition to "Monday Night Football."

Dennis Miller was a bumbling, stumbling, mumbling incomprehensible drone. His attempts at humor were hidden behind a facade of shots of "the guys in the booth," that made even die-hard Cowboy fans retch. Rather than watch the end of Professional Football on TV, Miller was soon relegated to his own prime-time program which was billed as a mixture of comedy, interviews, and Miller's own conservative political opinion. Given notice of the pending cancellation, Miller asked that he "leave the show immediately."

Frodo believes that even right-wing conservative radio blowhards have some sense for business. Who in their right mind would hire a guy who has been replaced by reruns of "Mad Money With Jim Cramer?"
Dennis Miller will probably hold a press conference to announce that he is organizing a committee to support his candidacy for the former Senate seat of Zell Miller. He probably thinks that no one will notice a change. It will be the first thing he's gotten right.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:46 PM EDT
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Sunday, May 15, 2005
Shake, Shake, Shake
Mood:  silly
Topic: "The Eyes of Texas"
Stereotypes are hard to justify, but given the public record, Frodo believes that in order to be a resident of the State of Texas, one must be either 1). a fool; or 2). an idiot. State Senator Florence Shapiro (now there's a native for you), a Republican from Plano (an aptly named suburb of Dallas)has announced that the Senate Education Committee will not take action on the House Bill passed May 3rd.

The mundane little announcement is an attempt to derail the somewhat controversial "booty bill." The proposal would have given the state and local school districts greater authority to punish cheerleaders who performed provocative routines during school-sponsored events. When approved in the House, supportive lawmakers waved pompons. It should be noted that the measure also included drill teams and dance squads.

Ah ha, says Frodo, therein lies the key, dancing! The next thing you know, those Baylor-led Wacoites would eliminate Sweet Tea and other habit-forming tools of Satan. "Just look at all the terrible people who have put themselves on public exhibition in dance halls. Ronald Reagan didn't dance at all, even when he played a Catholic at Notre Dame!", said Irma Quisenberry of the Women's Temperance Union.

Frodo is reminded of the effort to come up with a new moniker for the City of Atlanta, currently still known as "The City Too Busy to Hate." How about a National Campaign to label Texas? "Virginia is For Lovers" is an example. To get the ball rolling, how about "Texas, Where the Eighteenth Century Never Ends." Another one might be, "Texas, Bring Your Own Books." Frodo is attracted by "Texas, No Nobel Prize Winners Again This Year."

Come on dear reader, give Frodo your best shot.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 4:06 PM EDT
Updated: Sunday, May 15, 2005 8:14 PM EDT
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Saturday, May 14, 2005
You Ask How Long I'll Love You, Must I Explain?
Mood:  special
Topic: "She is No Ma Kettle"
Galadriel is the light in a mirror. Every path is brightened by her presence, every journey's end sparkles with her smile.

Galadriel is above all the jewels that lie beneath the earth. "There is in her and in this land no evil," spaken Lord Aragorn.

Galadriel spoke to Frodo and said "Even as I speak to you dear Frodo, I perceive the Dark Lord and know his mind, or all of his mind that concerns us, and he gropes ever to see me and my thought, but still the door is closed to him."

"For what do you wish dear lady?," saith Frodo.

She answered, "That what should be shall be. The love we have for our land and its good works is deeper than the deeps of the Sea, yet we will cast all away rather than submit to Sauran."

Frodo caught the light in the eye of Boromir, and from that time and place they travelled on, as Brothers of the Ring. The light shines upon their path.

Many, many happy birthdays dear wife of the farmer, so saith Frodo, so say we all!





















Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:28 PM EDT
Updated: Sunday, May 15, 2005 4:13 PM EDT
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Friday, May 13, 2005
Wouldn't You Like to Fly in My Beautiful Balloon
Mood:  blue
Topic: "Rocket Man"
39 years and 624 hour-long episodes ago, Frodo first heard Captain Kirk say "Engage, Mr. Sulu". That was soon followed by the immortal "Beam me up, Scotty," and the irrepressible "Live Long and Prosper." For the first time in television history, a white man and a black woman kissed on American TV, and nobody complained. Uhura was somebody Frodo wanted to kiss.

The cable channel UPN, most famous for its' role in "Boondocks", wrestling, and Tyra Banks will tonight broadcast the last original episode of what is now known as "Star Trek: Enterprise." This will conclude 18 consecutive years of a first-run "Star Trek" series on the air. It is truly a watershed in American History that slips as quietly from our view, appropriately, since it arrived on the scene with no fanfare whatsoever.

Frodo loved Jean-Luc Picard, a Renaissance Man, a fearless leader, a guiding mentor to "Number One," who directed the emotionless "Mr. Data." Jean-Luc who fell victim to "The Borg," and who had philosophical dialogue with Whoopi Goldberg as a serious character. Jean-Luc, who was never ashamed of his dalliances on the "Holideck," made Frodo wish that he, too, had attended Star Fleet Academy.

"Worf," "Commander Troi," "Commander Spock," "Dr. McCoy," and "Captain Kathryn Janeway," are the other characters who penetrated into the imagination of this Hobbit. Frodo was not alone, for Conventions of Star Trek followers have been occurring in countries around the world for decades. Costumes are ever present on Halloween, and Frodo always gives an extra candy bar to a Klingon or a Ferengi.

Wizards have spoken of the universal appeal of the multi-cultural, multi-species assemblage characterized as members of the various crews. The common foe could range from something as nondescript as a "Tribble," or as ominous as a "Romulan." Oh how Frodo has dreamed of boldly going where no Hobbit has gone before.

Dr. McCoy died in 1999. Scotty, alas, Scotty has Alzheimer's. Captain Kirk is an overweight shill for some stupid Internet business.

Frodo is going into the backyard of the Shire to look up at the stars tonight. The Enterprise beckons.





Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:16 PM EDT
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Thursday, May 12, 2005
Hear Me Roar, In Numbers Too Big to Ignore
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: "Take a letter, dearie"
Frodo remembers often asking a very stupid question. The responses he got were always polite, but the further he gets from the asking, the more ashamed he is that he ever put the words together. He knows now that the black man kind of liked that seat in the back of the bus, shoot, it is generally the widest, and the air from open windows would make it cooler there than anyplace else. It was just that he didn't appreciate being told that that was where he had to sit.

The unity of a people is what brought about the glacial changes. The abuses which took place affected all of them, rich and poor, old and young, man and woman. It was a unity that extended far beyond any comparison to ending a senseless war. It was a unity that we will not see again, no matter how hard we try.

In Georgia, it is now the law that a woman and her doctor cannot proceed in her best interest without a mandated waiting period. Today, the Congress of the United States has commenced an effort to restrict military personnel from front line duty because of her gender. Family leave legislation is under assault from business groups all across the country. Tax laws have been amended which have enhanced the role of the non-working spouse and increased benefits for families with a greater number of children. All of which is, to Frodo, a little bit of reverse social engineering. Somebody has made the judgment that women don't want to sit anywhere on that bus, rather they like that back seat and that's where we're gonna put 'em.

Which brings us to Frodo's point. Nobody's going to do anything about it. Because the infringements are piecemeal, and not system-wide in their implementation, they can be piled on top of one another, brick by brick. Men are worthless as fighters in this battle. The result will not be unlike Edgar Allan Poe, and the foolish man looking for "The Cask of Amontillado." The light will be extinguished and the chains will tighten around the chest.

There is no unity of purpose. There is no communal uproar. There is no consensus. Frodo sees a feminine landscape as littered as that of the Party of the People.

It is time to combine the two. The Party of the People should select its' next Standard Bearer from the list of the ablest, most determined, most threatened of our fellow citizens. It is time.



Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:04 PM EDT
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Wednesday, May 11, 2005
My Ding-a-Ling-a-Ling
Mood:  flirty
Topic: "Science Marches On"
R. Brian Langerhans, a graduate student at Washington University in St. Louis, published the first study ever done on predators as an influence on genital evolution in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. Langerhans studied two species of fish that give birth to live young, which he caught in ponds in the Bahamas and in Texas. The study showed that males taken from ponds that contained predatory fish had smaller sexual organs--by about 15 percent--than males from predator-free locations.

Females of the two species preferred the males with larger genitalia, according to the study. While males with large sex organs were more likely to get mates, they were also more likely to be eaten by predators because their genitalia are a drag on their swimming speed. "It's a groundbreaking study," said Duncan Irschick, an evolutionary biologist at Tulane University. "Sometimes male sex organs are the only thing that distinguishes one species from another," he said.

Langerhans concludes the study by pointing out that the subject males have non-retractable sex organs, and that they wave them at females in order to attract them. "It's not so dramatically obvious to our eyes," said Langerhans, "but for a female fish, a 15 percent difference is huge."

What? You think I'm making this all up? Let's have a little decorum out there while Frodo makes a point or two here.

First of all, I'll bet the fish with the little weenies came out of the ponds in Texas.

Secondly, Frodo is very curious about the male fish whose swimming speed is lessened due to the perspective of larger size. Evidently the manuverability of the fish is not lessened due to the presence of an extended rudder.

Finally, Frodo takes note of a personal lesson in this very valuable study. Frodo is going to have to be much more careful around predators.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:18 PM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, May 11, 2005 9:25 PM EDT
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Tuesday, May 10, 2005
You Lied, Straight-faced, While I Cried
Mood:  accident prone
Topic: "Emily Latella Lives"
All of the major networks, and all of the cable news outlets are today reporting a lie. It is not true that the President of the United States has been greeted by cheering throngs in Georgia. In fact, the President of the United States has not even set foot in Georgia at any time today. Frodo has it on good counsel that the President of the United States has been out of the country for several days.

Talk about manipulation of the news media, here they are getting ready to close military bases in Georgia and cutting thousands of indigents off Medicare, and these yahoos are reporting that the people of Georgia are cheering. One of these fallouts from "American Idol" has even had the gall to suggest that the President's "fight for democracy" resonates with Georgians. Frodo says "Hooey!"

Frodo drove down to Dobbins Air Force Base, where Air Force One always lands, and he asked the guard at the front gate if the President's plane had landed in Georgia today? Staff Sgt. Alfonso Gutierrez responded, "What you talkin' about Man?"
Frodo did note that Sgt. Gutierrez was particularly secretive, and kept his hand over his mouth when speaking on the telephone, presumably to the President's Press Secretary, and presumably informing him that the jig was up.

Georgia is a "red state," and it goes without saying that given the comparative standing of SAT scores among all the states that Bush carried Georgia by a healthy margin. How confident the Orcs must be that they could formulate such a falsehood. The question now becomes, where was Bush? He wasn't in Georgia, and Frodo can prove it.

"Pardon?"
"Oh, that Georgia."
"Well, it is a RED state, isn't it?"

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:44 PM EDT
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Sunday, May 8, 2005
You Left Me, Just When I Needed You Most
Mood:  happy
Topic: "Eyes of a Gorilla"
In December, a group of eight rare mountain gorillas disappeared from an Ugandan Nature Reserve. Rumors sparked that the primates had been abducted by neighboring Rwanda in order to boost tourism in their National Parks. It has long been debated in Wildlife circles whether Uganda or Rwanda offers more favorable viewing of creatures in the wild. Frodo has always been partial to Panama City, Florida.

Last week the missing gorillas returned to their home in Uganda, accompanied by a new baby and another adult gorilla. Frodo was struck by the analogy to polite human society when a neighbors' daughter got "knocked up." The unfortunate young lady would depart for a "home" in a neighboring state, and return some time later with a perfectly plausible, although unbelievable, story about why she had this infant in her possession. Considering the events of the Jennifer Wilbanks non-story on all the TV networks, Frodo feels there is synergy here.

All eight gorillas boarded a Greyhound bus at the terminal in Duluth, Georgia, bound for Las Vegas. Once there, they headed south to Albuquerque, simply because it was spelled in as bizarre a manner as any word in their native tongue, and when repeated three times in rapid succession, sounds exactly like the mating call of some sort of jungle bird. Does, doesn't it?

One of the gorillas, a wide-eyed charmer, gave birth in Albuquerque. The father, she alleged, was an Hispanic male whose promise had been to elope, but whose intent had proved to be less than honorable. At this point, the gorillas called home, seeking assistance. The Ugandan Special Army (USA, for short) provided assistance back to their mountain home for all of the native gorillas and for their medical/spiritual adviser the Majority Leader of the United States Senate, Bill Frist. Dr. Frist, when asked to comment on the events that had taken place, responded by singing "OOO EEE OOO AH AH WING WANG WALLA WALLA BING BANG."

The commercial media back in Uganda feigned outrage at the investigative and transportation costs borne by taxpayers. Frodo feels quite confident that the entrance fee to Uganda's Nature Reserves will be increased to absorb the additional cost. This obviously mature solution far surpassed the activities of the monkeys in Gwinnett County. It does indeed prove that there, the animals are running the zoo.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:11 PM EDT
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Thursday, May 5, 2005
Miles and Miles and Miles of Heart
Mood:  irritated
Topic: "Chew my Gazebo, Willya?"
The Havahart Company of Lititz, Pennsylvania, given its' location near the towns of Blue Ball, Intercourse, and Bird in Hand, is an Amish Company. The company manufactures live traps, and their primary distributor is Home Depot. Frodo learned all of this from his friend Pippin, who had amassed the grand sum of 38 trapped squirrels in his backyard in Northern Virginia. Pippin further instructed Frodo in the theory that trapped squirrels must be released at least three miles from the point of capture, or they will return.

One might reasonably assume that Frodo has, or has had, a continuing problem with the very cute, but very destructive extra-terrestrials. One would assume correctly. Given that fact, Frodo visited the Orange megalith and purchased a Havahart trap. Only after, however, his first effort, a slingshot, proved more destructive to the windows in the rear of Sam's house than to the derrieres of the tree rats.

The first night passed slowly for both Frodo and for Mick, the Wonder Dog. Mick, mostly Australian Shepherd, responds well to the things that excite his play buddy. Mick shot through the dog door that first morning to be first upon the scene where he was greeted by more teeth than he had ever seen in one location at one moment in his entire lifetime. Ophelia Opossum was thoroughly pissed. To this day, Mick will not go anywhwere near the trap, regardless of its contents.

Baiting the trap with peanut butter and a few sunflower seeds eventually draws in one of the intended targets. Frodo then has to place the trap in the trunk of his "motor car" and drive at least three miles to a suitable location to reposition his adversary. There are many options in the Shire. The local Catholic Church sits high on a wooded hill, and if it is an off-time for prayer, it is a suitable location to subtly deposit a new parishoner. A poorly located subdivision, where the residents tend to drive too fast, and whose children are particularly obnoxious is another favorite, particularly around the picnic area. Squirrels seem to like potato salad.

Ah, but the best is the local high school, directly under the bleachers of the football stadium. Frodo has provided the halftime entertainment for almost every game in the history of the school. The little buggers evidently get irritated at the bands marching around on their field, and try their best to drive the marchers into the sea. Perhaps you have seen our handiwork on Animal Channel?

There is a science to all of this, since the squirrels give birth in February in the Shire, and not until May or June do the little dumb ones become big enough to survive on their own. Dear reader, we are approaching prime time, and Frodo's bird feeders are overrun. This day we applied a little oil to the trap, baited it up, and set it conveniently close to the 546 nests located in Frodo's backyard. Let the games begin, and we who are about to be relocated salute you. Hail Frodo!

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:15 PM EDT
Updated: Thursday, May 5, 2005 10:20 PM EDT
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Wednesday, May 4, 2005
Odds Are He Won't Live to See Tomorrow
Mood:  sharp
Topic: "Dearest Bilbo"
"Mr. Frodo, please write that High School English Teacher and thank her, for both of us."

"Dear Mrs. Ames, enclosed is a "Blue Book" assignment that I wrote in a Freshman English course. My Professor wrote something at the end which I thought you might like to see. I consider it a very great compliment, and I wanted to share it with you."
" I enjoy college life very much, and much of the credit for it goes to you, and to Mr. Maranian, and to so many others who actually got my attention from time-to-time. I will always cherish the books, not least of which is 'The Grapes of Wrath.' I try every day to remember Robert Penn Warren and the definition of "greatness." These are gifts you gave to me, and to all of us lucky enough to be in your class. Thank you."

"My Dear Mr. Frodo, your very wonderful letter arrived on a dreary day, and instantaneously the clouds were replaced by sunshine. You may never know much I appreciate the words of your Professor. Follow him, keep listening, and never, ever lose that which makes you so special. Thank you, my dear Frodo."

Rachel Ames was a graduate of the University of Wisconsin. She was married, and had two children, Allison and Ashford. Frodo met both of her children, in passing, but he never met her husband. Years later, VANITY FAIR published an article which detailed much of the adult life of her family. The husband, it seems, was an employee of the Central Intelligence Agency, and he was an alcoholic.

About the time that Frodo's one and only letter to this magnificent woman was written Allison Ames, only a few years older than Frodo, died from breast cancer. Not long after that the anonymous Mr. Ames passed away, probably with no recollection of where he was at the time. Frodo supposes that the timing of his letter was as good as it ever could have been.

Rachel died in her son's apartment from a heart attack a few years later. Frodo did not know that until he read it in one of the books written about her son. Ashford Ames had followed his father into the CIA where he rose to a position of prominence in that part of the Intelligence community that dealt with the Soviet Union. Unfortunately, he also inherited his father's tastes.

After Rachel died, Ashford Ames married a very attractive Latin American woman, and he went to great expense to keep her happy. To establish and maintain the requisite lifestyle, he needed money. He got it by selling out his country. He got it by selling classified information to the Soviet Union. He got it by providing information which resulted in the death of more than a dozen people in different parts of the world. It cost him his freedom.

Frodo reflects often on the best teacher, Rachel Ames. For all the gifts she gave to Frodo, he remains most grateful that she did not live one more day. She endured the death of her daughter, and the torment of her husband, and her end came without ever knowing of her son's treachery.

Dear Mom, as Mother's Day nears Frodo just wanted to take a few minutes and let you know how grateful I am . . .




Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:28 PM EDT
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