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" Citizen Soldiers" (5)
" Putin' Out" (5)
" Thin Ice"(9)
""I Ain't Got Much" (5)
""Soft Memories" (7)
"$100, Are You Sure?" (5)
"0 Preservative Added"(2)
"105 Minute Workday"(9)
"16 Percent Factor"(3)
"176,000,000 to 1"(8)
"26 Damn Dollars"(6)
"3 Percent Turnout" (2)
"37 Come 11" (5)
"3:10 to Yuma" (7)
"50 Weeks of Reality TV"
"501 (c)(4)"
"54 Pounds" (8)
"8.8 Pounds"(6)
"A Capitol Idea" (6)
"A Code in My Node"
"A Course is a Course"(2)
"A Day At The Beach" (3)
"A Dog Named Bo" (5)
"A Hobbit of an Idea"
"A Man's Army"
"A Patriot Act" (7)
"A Patriotic Act"
"A Perfect World"
"A soldier booed?'(7)
"A Space Odyssey" (4)
"A Taxing Story" (5)
"A Thousand Campfires"(4)
"A Three Hour Tour"(8)
"A Touch of Class"(5)
"A Waisted Day" (5)
"A Woman Scorned"
"A-Train"
"AAARRRGGGHH" (6)
"Aagh,I'll Pay,I'll Pay"
"Abe Wong, of Gondor"(5)
"Act I, Scene I" (8)
"Act I, Scene II" (8)
"Act I, Scene III" (8)
"Adjustable 2nd Card"(3)
"Adjusting Policies"
"Adjusting the Clock"(8)
"Aegean Adventure" (2)
"Ah ah ah Stayin' Alive"
"Airline Highway" (5)
"Alan Scott" (7)
"All Aboard"
"All Bets Are In" (2)
"All Charged Up"
"All Good Things" (4)
"Allah Be Praised" (5)
"Almost Heaven" (2)
"Alpha Dog"(7)
"Alright, Who Did It?"(7)
"Also Sprach Frodo" (4)
"Always Wear Gloves" (3)
"AM Radio Next?"
"America's Toilet" (6)
"American Cemetery"(8)
"An Admission"
"An Apple A Day" (7)
"An Hour A Day" (6)
"An Ugly American"(4)
"Anchorman" (6)
"And the Winner Is" (2)
"Andy Griffith Redux"
"Another Single Woman?"
"Another Three-namer"(5)
"Another Time/Place"(4)
"Anvil Throwin' Time"(8)
"Apocalypse Now?" (3)
"Aragorn" (4)
"Armored Dildos" (3)
"As Far As We Know" (2)
"Ask Ann Landers" (3)
"Assembly LineDancing"(4)
"Astronaughty" (2)
"Atlanta Times Three"
"Augmentation" (2)
"Augustus Agonistes" (5)
"Aurora Borealis" (8)
"Autumnal Observances"(2)
"Avast You Lubbers"(6)
"Baby Doctors (2)"
"Baby Fiona"(7)
"Baby Nathan Yahoo"(10)
"Back Door Basra (2)"
"Back inthe Saddle Again"
"Bad Boys, Bad Boys"
"Bad Time for Bonzo" (3)
"Balance of Nature" (3)
"Balance of Payments"(5)
"Balancing the Budget"
"Ballamer" (4)
"Balls"(10)
"Bang the Drum Slowly"
"Bank Prank" (5)
"Baptists are Pussies"(7)
"Barbed Wire Escape (2)"
"Barbie Banditos" (3)
"Barely Bearble"(7)
"Barely Defensible" (2)
"Barry Me Not (2)"
"Bathroom onna Right"(3)
"Beach Music" (7)
"Because It Is Hard" (4)
"Beechwood 4-5789"(6)
"Belling the Cat" (2)
"Ben McGee" (3)
"Benny and the Jets"(5)
"Berlusconi in Love"(6)
"Best be straight Boy"(5)
"Best Day/Worst Day"(6)
"Best in the South" (5)
"Best in the World?"(5)
"Betray Us" (3)
"Bettah than Etta"(4)
"Better Man" (3)
"Better Than Pong"
"Big Time Sports" (3)
"Big Words,LittleMind"(6)
"Bilbo's Birthday (2)"
"Bilbo's Little Boy"(5)
"Bilbo's Revenge" (5)
"Bill and Hillary (2)"
"Billy World" (2)
"Bimini Babes" (3)
"Bird is the Word" (3)
"Birmingham Jail" (5)
"Birthday Baggins"
"Birthday Buddies" (7)
"Birthday Memory" (4)
"Birthin' No Babies" (3)
"Bishop to King's Castle"
"bitch,bitch,bitch"(6)
"Black Friday" (2)
"Black Gold, Texas Tea"
"Black Hole Blues" (4)
"Black Jack"
"Black Russians" (6)
"Black Widow" (3)
"Blackboard Jungle"
"Blame Game" (3)
"Bleached Bones" (5)
"Blitzkrieg Bellini" (2)
"Blood and Swash" (3)
"Bloopers" (5)
"Blue Christmas" (2)
"Bo's Birthday"(5)
"Bob Sikes' Cut"(9)
"Bob, Bob, Bobbit" (3)
"Bobby, not Ben"(6)
"Bon Air Bellicose" (4)
"Bon Giorno" (6)
"Bona Lisa" (5)
"Bonds-v-Skvara" (3)
"Boo Boo Poo Poo"(9)
"Boromir & Galadriel"(5)
"Bottled in Thyme"(7)
"Bottom Ten"(9)
"Bovine Stem Cells?"
"Boy, I Say Boy"
"Boycott BP"
"Breaker, Breaker" (4)
"Breakin' rules" (7)
"Breaking News" (7)
"Brer Fox (2)"
"Bridge at Andau"(11)
"Bring Back Ross" (2)
"Bring the Bowl"
"Broken News"(10)
"Brother of the Ring"
"Brownback Mountain"
"Brownie Hawkeye"
"Buckwheat Breathes" (2)
"Bumper Sticker"
"Burn Baby, Burn" (3)
"Bush in the Bullrushes"
"Bush Baby, Bush (2)"
"Bush is Chinese?" (2)
"Bush Press Conference"
"Bush-Bashers Be We (2)"
"Bushenomics"
"Busman's Holiday(2)"
"Butt...Butt...Butt" (3)
"Butterflies? Sheesh!"
"Buttermilk Drops" (3)
"Buy a Subaru" (11)
"Buy Stock in America"(6)
"Cabin Fever" (5)
"Cain Not Able" (7)
"Cake in the Rain"
"Cake in the Rain"(3)
"Call Me Ishmael" (3)
"Callista, an Albino?"(7)
"Camp Pleasant" (2)
"Can She Name Them?(2)"
"Can You Hear Me Now?"
"Canaan Conspiracy"(6)
"Candygram" (4)
"Captive Audience"(6)
"Caramel or Carmel?"(3)
"Carolina Cougar(2)"
"Carolina Curmudgeon" (5)
"Cartoon Characters" (3)
"Case of Packy Stann"(3)
"Cash crash crashed?"(5)
"Cat Fight" (5)
"Caterpillar Quandry" (3)
"Causal Relationships"(9)
"Cause It's One, (2)"
"Ceramic s"
"Ch-ch-changin'" (4)
"Change a'comin" (5)
"Change is Good" (5)
"Change?" (3)
"Changin' Channels" (2)
"Chapter 13"
"Chariots of Fire"
"Chariots' a' Comin'"(4)
"Chassahowitzka" (2)
"Chauncey Gardner"(7)
"Checkmate"(5)
"Chemical Alley" (6)
"Cheney of Fools" (2)
"Cherem" (3)
"Chew my Gazebo, Willya?"
"Chief Noc-a-Homa" (3)
"Chingachgook Lives"
"Chipmonkeys Alert (2)"
"Chipper" (6)
"Christian Balls"(10)
"Christian the Lion"(4)
"Christian Valuelessness"
"Christmas Communique"(3)
"Christmas, 1936" (2)
"Chutzpah Hooters" (4)
"Cilled a Bar?" (3)
"Cindy, oh Cindy"(4)
"Citizen Soldiers" (2)
"Clark and Lois (2)"
"Classified Ads are Cool"
"Claymore Gregg" (3)
"Clean Machine" (2)
"Clean up in Aisle 4!"(4)
"Climb It Chains" (8)
"Clinton Cuts" (7)
"Clone Chipper,Please"(4)
"Cockatiel Lounge" (2)
"College of the Shire"(6)
"Colosseum"
"Combat Kelly (2)"
"Come On Baby"(8)
"Come on Down" (3)
"Comin' Clean" (5)
"Comin' Home" (3)
"Commencement (2)"
"Comparables" (6)
"Condi for President" (3)
"Cone of Silence" (4)
"Conflagration" (3)
"Confusion Reigns"(10)
"Congress Goes to War (2)
"Congress' Schmidthead"
"Conspiracy Theory" (4)
"Copy Cat Chinese" (5)
"Country Roads" (7)
"Crawford Convention" (2)
"Crikey" (2)
"Crime and Punishment(2)"
"Crotch Rocket Delite"(4)
"Cult of the Wild"(7)
"Curious, George?"
"Currahee" (5)
"Da Juice Is Back" (3)
"Dad" (5)
"Damages Done (2)"
"Damn Close" (4)
"Damn It To Hell" (5)
"Damn Lies" (7)
"Dandy Dale" (7)
"Danger Will Robinson"(5)
"Danger,Will Robinson"(8)
"Darth Dick" (5)
"Darwin's Company" (4)
"Das Boot"
"Das Ende" (6)
"Date With David" (2)
"Day of Infamy" (4)
"Day-O, Me Wan Go"(7)
"De Tar-Ball Baby" (6)
"Dead Honkey"
"Dearest Bilbo"
"Debits on the Left?" (2)
"Decisions, Decisions"(6)
"Deep and Dark" (5)
"Deep Shiite" (3)
"Degree of Separation"(6)
"Deja 1958 Over Again"
"Deja Who?"(7)
"Delano" (4)
"DevelopmentalStudies"(4)
"Diazinon Ditties (2)"
"Dick Clark Top 10(2)"
"Dimmer Switch" (6)
"Dirty Copter" (4)
"Do They Like Kool Aid?"
"Doctor, Mr. MD"(9)
"Dodged a Bullet"(7)
"Dogmobile" (3)
"Dogs Rule"
"Doing the Right Thing"
"Don't Cut My DSL" (5)
"Don't Feed the Animals"
"Dont Touch That Dial"(6)
"Doofus" (9)
"Doohan's Delight" (3)
"Doris Miller" (6)
"Dorothy Rose" (4)
"Double Deal" (6)
"Doubting Thomases" (3)
"Doug Williams"(4)
"Dover" (4)
"Down Below Back Home"(4)
"Downtown Cardinals"(9)
"Dr. Phil" (5)
"DroughtExitStragedy"(3)
"Dubai-Bye" (3)
"Dueling Banjos" (3)
"Dumb and Dumber" (3)
"Dumb As We Wanna Be"(3)
"Dumber Than Dirt" (3)
"Dumbest Politico (2)"
"Eager Uighurs" (4)
"Early Admission" (8)
"Eight Nine Four" (4)
"Elect Jeff Jackson"(10)
"Elizabeth I" (5)
"Emily Latella Lives"
"Emperor's Clothes" (2)
"End of the Line"
"Ending Sams Patience"(7)
"Engine Uprisin'" (4)
"Ensign Pulver"(5)
"EOTUS" (5)
"Equinox Approaching"(10)
"Equinoxious" (4)
"ERA"
"Escalator Escalatin'"(5)
"ESP" (6)
"Etchings, Anyone?"(5)
"Ethel Merman Lives"
"Eve, It's Oil!"
"Evenin' Govnah" (6)
"Everyday Miracles"
"Evil Thoughts" (3)
"Eye Opener" (3)
"Eyes of a Gorilla"
"Fair is Fare"(7)
"Falcon" (8)
"Fall Ball" (3)
"Fallin' Behind"(11)
"Falling Apart" (9)
"Fargo Felines" (5)
"Fashionable Frodo" (5)
"Father Ed" (3)
"Faux les Bas" (2)
"Female Insurgency (2)"
"Ferengi or Ferangi?" (3)
"Fergit? Hell No!"
"Film at 11"
"Findin' William"(11)"
"Firing US Attorneys" (3)
"First Freeze" (6)
"First Learn to Lose"
"First National Bank" (5)
"First Sentence" (8)
"Five Easy Pieces" (4)
"Float Yer Boat" (4)
"Flower Power (2)"
"Foe Years Old" (4)
"Follow the Money"
"Followin' Ava" (4)
"For More Years" (3)
"Forbidden Fruit"
"Fords and Dads" (2)
"Foreclosure Follies" (7)
"Foreclosure Notice" (6)
"Forest Primeval"(8)
"Form 666" (3)
"Forms For Everything"(6)
"Foundling Fathers"(7)
"Fourteen Years Ago?"(5)
"Fox Views" (3)
"Frack You" (7)
"Frances Died Today"(7)
"Fred's Dead Head" (3)
"Free at Last"
"Free Hidden Telecast"(4)
"Freedom? Hell No" (3)
"Friend by Your Side" (3)
"Friend by your Side" (4)
"Friendly Persuasion" (5)
"Friends of Bill" (7)
"Frist Friends"
"Frodo and Housman" (2)
"Frodo and Jesus"
"Frodo and Revere?"(7)
"Frodo And Truckers (2)"
"Frodo Dissents" (6)
"Frodo Not Foggo (2)"
"Frodo of Arabia(2)"
"Frodo Op" (5)
"Frodo Regrets"
"Frodo Study Group" (2)
"Frodo visits Bilbo"
"Frodo's Almanac"(9)
"Frodo's Bad Day"
"Frodo's Book Club"(5)
"Frodo's Dilemma" (3)
"Frodo's Faux Pas" (3)
"Frodo's Final Four" (3)
"Frodo's Foreign Policy"
"Frodo's Hall of Fame"(4)
"Frodo's Newer Friend"(6)
"Frodo's Retirement"(8)
"Frodo's Revenge"
"Frodo's Revenge"(7)
"Frodo's Solutions" (6)
"Frodo's Xmas Story"(6)
"Frodo, James Frodo" (3)
"Furriners" (4)
"Gainful Employment" (3)
"Galadriel Is No More"(3)
"Gandalf's Challenge (2)"
"Garland Duesenberry" (2)
"Gas Guzzler A-Go-Go"
"Gasp, Wheeze (2)"
"Gay Faux Holes" (5)
"Genarlow de Chariot" (3)
"Genesis Ignored" (3)
"Geneva Accords Redux"
"Geography Lesson" (3)
"George to the Rescue"(3)
"Georgia on my Mind"(3)
"Getting Your Wish" (3)
"Gidget Goes Gondor"(7)
"Gimme Head With Hair"(3)
"Girls Night Out" (6)
"Give 'em Hell, Tom" (5)
"Give Heath a Chance (2)"
"Give Us Your Tired. . ."
"Giving Way to Anger" (2)
"Glenn Frey"(11)
"Glory Days"
"Goin' Home" (3)
"Gondor Goodfellas"(9)
"Gondor Gravitas" (3)
"Good Cop" (7)
"Good Day America" (6)
"Good Friday It Was"(9)
"Good Friday, Maybe"(11)
"Good Ol Mountain Dew"(5)
"Good Son"
"Goodbye Kids (2)"
"Goodbye, Ethan" (2)
"Goodman is Hard to Find"
"Goose Again"
"GOP Convention" (3)
"Gotta Have a Home (2)"
"Grading on a Curve"
"Graffiti Government" (2)
"Great American Hero"
"Great American Hero" (2)
"Greatest Duet Ever"(6)
"Greed is Good"(5)
"Greetings" (8)
"Grissom not Gruesome"(4)
"Groupies for Edwards"(4)
"Guess We Forgot?"(8)
"Guest Workers (2)"
"Guns of August" (7)
"Guts of August" (3)
"Gwinnett Again?" (3)
"Halo, 1,2,3?" (3)
"Ham I Am" (3)
"Handi-Wipes" (3)
"Hang 'em High" (2)
"Hanky Time, Ladies"
"Happens in Threes"(5)
"Happy Anniversary"(9)
"Happy Mardi Gras"(2)
"Harpo Speaks"
"Harry" (2)
"Harry's Bar-Venice" (2)
"Hatfield-vs-McCoy"
"Hawkeye, Redux"(7)
"Haz Mat" (3)
"He Ate the Olive!"(7)
"He is deeply missed (2)"
"He Picks Up Poop?" (5)
"He Took De Bait" (8)
"He's 'Little Ricky'?"(7)
"Healthcare for Frodo"(5)
"Heart Soar Like Hawk"(5)
"Heck of an Engineer"(7)
"Hedge Fund Hippies" (3)
"Heeeerrre's Frodo" (3)
"Heeere's Johnny" (6)
"Heeerrrre's Frodo" (3)
"Hello, Mr. Wilson" (5)
"Hello? Central?" (3)
"Help Wanted"
"Helping Frodo" (4)
"Here Come da Judge" (2)
"Here Come da Judge" (6)
"Here Kitty-Kitty" (4)
"Here Kitty-kitty"(5)
"Here's Help, Now Leave"
"Here's Your Watch" (3)
"Hi Jinx" (5)
"Hide Anythin' Edible"(5)
"High Chair" (2)
"Hobbits And a Truck"(4)
"Hold On Romo" (2)
"Hold the Malaise" (4)
"Homeless"
"Honey Dew List"(9)
"Hopalong Frodo"(9)
"Horn of Africa (2)"
"Horse Latitudes" (6)
"Horsehockey" (3)
"Hosea Can You See" (3)
"Hosea Can You See?" (3)
"Hot Tamale" (3)
"Hotel Plimhimmon"(9)
"HOV or DOA?" (3)
"How Dogs Love Us" (10)
"How Many Delegates?"
"How Many Delegates?" (3)
"How Now Broun Cow"(8)
"Hraka" (4)
"Huckleberry Hound" (3)
"Hund Scheisse CSI" (5)
"Hungarian Answer" (4)
"I Believe in Music (2)"
"I can hope, can't I?"(9)
"I Could Cry" (2)
"I Inspired You?"
"I say it's Spinach. . ."
"I'll Get Back to You"(3)
"I'll Huff and Puff" (4)
"I'll Take a Vowel"
"I'm Baaack" (2)
"I'mSo In LoveWithYou"(7)
"Ides of March Again" (4)
"Ides of Texas" (6)
"IED's in Congress" (2)
"If Frodo Ran The DHS"(5)
"If It Ain't OneThing"(5)
"If the truth be told"(6)
"If You Remember,Then"(6)
"If" (6)
"Imagine,General Newt"(6)
"Imitation of Life" (5)
"Immigration Reform (2)"
"Impregnated"(10)
"In a Galaxy Far Away(2)"
"In a Pig's Eye" (4)
"In Dog We Trust" (10)
"In the Beginning"
"In the Beginning" (3)
"Incomparable Moron" (4)
"Indoor Toilets Rule" (4)
"Intersex Village" (2)
"Interstate Parking (2)"
"Ion Propulsion"(7)
"Iran's Tom Hayden"
"Irish Spring"(3)
"Is it in the Water?"
"Is That in America?" (2)
"Is You da One,Jimmy?"(3)
"Islamic Fundamentals"(8)
"Isn't Amnesty Good?"(3)
"Isn't Change Good?"(6)
"It's A Trap" (6)
"It's Just a Movie"
"It's Just Business"
"Ja, Wir Konnen."
"Jack Crabb" (10)
"Jambo Jumbo" (3)
"Japanese Movie?" (3)
"Je suis Frodo"(10)
"Jefferson Rock" (3)
"Jes' the facts Ma'am"(4)
"Jim Crow" (5)
"Joad Family Reunion?"(6)
"Joad Jobs" (4)
"Joe Soptic" (8)
"Jonestown Redux" (3)
"Jose and Claudia" (4)
"Joshua Generation" (3)
"Just Another Day" (3)
"Just Clearin' Brush"(3)
"Just Desserts (2)"
"Just Desserts" (7)
"Just Say 'Nyet'"(7)
"Just to CU Smile" (5)
"Kandy Kakes 2"
"Ken Meets Jack"
"Key Word Apology" (6)
"Killer's Geraldine" (4)
"Kilowatts Per Mile" (6)
"Kiribati Republic"(6)
"Kirk Saves Nemo"
"Kiss a Girl Goodbye"(2)
"Knew You Not Pompey?"(3)
"Kodak Moment" (2)
"Kool Sailboat" (4)
"Korea, Korea" (2)
"Kudlow's Kreeps"(4)
"Lady of Rohan" (3)
"Land Ho"(8)
"Lean and Hungry " (2)
"Leeward, I Say, Leeward"
"Legs Diamond" (3)
"Legs" (3)
"Leslie" (4)
"Lessons Learned" (2)
"Let Them Eat Cake"
"Let's Bake Cookies" (3)
"Let's Play A Game" (6)
"Letter Home" (6)
"Letter to Lou" (4)
"Liberal Lament" (40)
"Lief, Leaf, or Loaf"(8)
"Life In A Red State"
"Lights of Chicago"
"Like a Barack" (2)
"Limbaugh Hero"(7)
"Lime Bandits" (3)
"Lime is on my side" (6)
"Limestone Cowboys" (3)
"Lip Smackin' Good?"(6)
"Little Big Horn (2)"
"Little Houdini" (5)
"Little Sky"
"Littlest Angel" (2)
"Livin' is Easy?"(7)
"Loans and Deposits" (4)
"Lois, I Never Lie"(8)
"Lonely Avenue" (3)
"Lonesome Frodo" (3)
"Look away Dixieland"(6)
"Look for da Union Label"
"Look Who's Talkin'" (2)
"Lookin' Back, Texas" (3)
"Lost Weekend"(8)
"Low Water, Slow Flow"(3)
"Lox? Or Locks?" (7)
"Lunatic Cattle Call"(8)
"M-G-M Material"
"Ma Bell is Baaack" (3)
"Ma Bell Lives" (7)
"Macaca, Your Macaca" (2)
"Mad Dogs&Englishmen"(6)
"Made You Look" (6)
"Magic Fridge (2)"
"Magic Moments"(7)
"Make Jobs, Not War"(7)
"MaMa's Little Babies"(3)
"Man For All Seasons" (2)
"Man of the Century"
"Man Up, Harry"(6)
"Man's Best Friend?"
"Many happy returns"
"March Forth" (8)
"Marking Time" (3)
"Martyr Magic" (2)
"Marvelous Mac"(8)
"Mary Lee & Genie"(8)
"Master of None" (8)
"MatriculationMadness"(5)
"May Day, Comrade"(7)
"Maynard G. Krebs" (7)
"McCan't"(9)
"Medal of Honor" (6)
"Media is the Message(2)"
"Media Reporting" (6)
"Memories"(10)
"Mental Healthcare" (4)
"Michelle, my Belle"(7)
"Mick's Day"(8)
"Mickey and Me"(6)
"MidSummer Nights Dream"(7)
"Mikileaks" (6)
"Missionary Position" (3)
"Missionary Position" (7)
"Mississipp' Sippin'"(2)
"Mister Roberts" (8)
"Moamar:The Movie"(7)
"Mohair Sam" (5)
"Mon Petit Shoe"(4)
"Monkeys in Mississippi"
"Moody Blue"(7)
"Moody" (7)
"Mooman" (3)
"Moon Over Miami"(4)
"Mooosic" (5)
"Moovin' On Up" (2)
"Mordor or Antarctica?"
"More Than Some" (4)
"Moultrie Poultry" (3)
"Mount Mulch" (2)
"Movin' On Up" (2)
"Mr. Toad's Motorcar (2)"
"Mudbums"(9)
"Mumbai, My Lord" (4)
"Murtha For President(2)"
"N. Leroy" (7)
"Name That Tune"(4)
"Nascaroil" (4)
"Nat King Cole Sucks"(5)
"NCAA---Blech!" (7)
"Nein, nein, nein"(7)
"Never Doubt Bilbo"
"Never heard of him"
"Nevermore"(6)
"New Life, Old Leaves"(4)
"Newest Friend"(8)
"Newman's Own" (4)
"Newt/Mitt '12" (3)
"Next Case" (6)
"Next Door Neighbors" (3)
"NFL Commissioner (2)"
"NFL Trade" (3)
"Nielsen Ratings" (2)
"Nine Months PG" (7)
"Nixon Agonistes" (3)
"Nkosi"
"No Faux News?" (3)
"No Googling Allowed"(4)
"No Humor Today"
"No Peanut Left Behind"
"No Sale" (3)
"No, Not Russian" (4)
"No-No, No" (3)
"Nobody Even Asked"(8)
"Noo Yawk Stateamind"(2)
"Not a Bang,a Whimper"(7)
"Not Funny, Dr Jones"(5)
"Not North Carolina" (6)
"Not Percy Sledge?" (3)
"Not Percy Sledge?"(3)
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Southern Pine Beetles"(4)
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Frodo, Keeper of the Ring
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Down By De Seashore, Siftin' Sand
Mood:  party time!
Topic: "Frodo's Foreign Policy"
Frodo is pleased to report that he has undone the months of neglect and mismanagement by the Bush Administration relative to relationships with our Caribbean neighbors. Frodo devoted his personal time and resources to the renewal of his friendship with people who are as diverse as they are full of life. Frodo now speak like da Creole man on Dominica (pron. Dom-uh-neeek-a), or mebbe like da man on French side St. Maarten who sometime lay on da sand wid no close on. Frodo swim wid de green sea turtles on Barbados, and every where he drinka da rum punch.

Frodo learned a lot from those who traveled with him, and he will have much to offer from those perspectives in nights to come, dear reader. Frodo say "Thank you Mon, for checkin' on me, but da rum punch helped me tally me banana. Day Oh, Day Oh, come de light and me need go bed."

Frodo learned that he is now the titular head of all those who truly believe in the Gospel of Louis Armstrong. "I see skies of blue. . .and I say to myself, What a Wonderful World. Oh yeah!"

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:11 PM EST
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Friday, November 4, 2005
Aye Calypso a Story toTell
Mood:  happy
Topic: "Pirate Booty"
Mick the Wonder Dog, Fiona, and Georgia are safely ensconced at Camp Kennel. Rocky, Beau Neau, and Sydney will be visited daily by Miss Ellyn until Frodo and Sam return to the Shire on November 15th.

The Spanish Main, the Dutch East Indies, the Sandwich Islands, around the Horn, "Captain Blood," Long John Silver and young Jim 'awkins, pieces of eight, walk the plank, the Jolly Roger, and "The Ghost and Mrs. Muir."

Aye Matey, picture Frodo with a peacock plume atop his cap and a silk shirt open to the navel, with a scarlet sash about his waist. That is, at least until the late seating for dinner is called.

"Ya got any rum to go with that chateaubriand, ya swab?"

Fair sailing until Frodo returns.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:48 PM EST
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Thursday, November 3, 2005
"Git Along Little Dogie"
Mood:  surprised
Topic: "Bovine Stem Cells?"
THE WASHINGTON POST today reported the details of a major felony in the farmlands surrounding our Nation's Capital. It seems that someone purloined a huge number of "straws" containing bull semen.

In a setting reminiscent of the genetic laboratories exhibited in the movie "Jurassic Park," the seminal fluid of shorthorn bulls is maintained for the appropriate act of artificial insemination. The magic elixir is packed in tubes (known as "straws") and contained within nitrogen-heavy solutions with temperature levels cold enough to keep the contents fresh. The straws are drawn when needed and the contents injected into the appropriate orifice, and in approximately the same gestation period as a human being a new shorthorn comes into being. The benefit of this to the "farmer" is that no bulls are actually required to live on the farm.

Frodo supposes that the value of the bull semen is dependent on a number of factors. It would seem logical that if the semen came from a very highly-regarded bull it may carry more value than if it came from a rather ordinary bull, say a bull named "W" for example. Another consideration of the value is certainly the alternative cost of maintaining a bull on the farm. Frodo is afraid that this speaks to the motive of the thieves in the subject crime.

Keeping "W" (as an example) available could prove to be a real budget-buster. Huge deficits would be created. Security would have to be strengthened. Coalitions with neighboring farms would have to be established for mutual protection. Disaster plans would be put into preparation. All in the effort to protect the business.

"Yeah," says Frodo, "that 'W' is a whole lot of bull."

If a ransom note comes from the semen thieves, Frodo suggests that the farmer pay it. The alternative might be three more years of bull.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:40 PM EST
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Wednesday, November 2, 2005
I Never Knew Just What It Was And I Guess I Never Will
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: "Brownie Hawkeye"
Frodo remembers the box-like appearance, and the curving plastic strap extending front to back on the top of his first camera. It was at that moment that Frodo decided to become a professional photographer. This decision was soon superceded by professional baseball, the United States Senate, medicine, guitar, soul music, journalism, teaching, space exploration, fishing, method acting, and poetry. The "Brownie Hawkeye" however remains as the single physical memento of these daydreams of yesteryear.

Frodo attempts to stay one step behind technology. After everyone else has commenced the second phase of a consumer technological innovation, Frodo acquires his first. The digital camera is the latest addition to the playroom of the Hobbit.

Armed with the July, 2005, edition of "Consumer Reports," Frodo entered "Best Buy" with the swagger of one who knew what he wanted, and who required no assistance whatsoever from a lowly salesperson. The all-knowing attendant took note of Frodo's confident demeanor and contained his sly grin at the far end of the counter. Frodo searched for the four highest ranked recommendations in his price range.

It was quickly apparent that Frodo was more than one step behind technology. Each of the recommended "best buys" from July were now out of production and surpassed by new models in this the month of November.

The salesperson swooped, and Frodo was in his talons.

Frodo knows that he should read each and every page of the instruction books, even those in Spanish, but he is unable to break from his time-honored tradition of breaking open the package and immediately beginning to play. It was what he did with the "Brownie Hawkeye," and if it was good enough for Eastman Kodak, then it ought be handled in exactly the same manner today. Frodo knows what the result will be however, and he is already steeling himself for the inevitable "crash" when nothing seems to work as it is supposed.

Frodo also hesitates to ask directions when driving the motorcar. It must be associated with the presence of a penis.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:58 PM EST
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Tuesday, November 1, 2005
One, Two, Three, Four, What're We Fighting For
Mood:  lazy
Topic: "Leeward, I Say, Leeward"
Frodo, with the cooperation of Mother Nature, and Sam are planning to depart the Shire for a vacation in a few days. Unlike Patrick Fitzgerald, Frodo does best when he kicks back and takes a long look at the world around him. The people do not have to be Democrats or Republicans, male or female, white or black, earthling or alien; the places in which they live will be the frames for mental pictures.

On one such vacation Frodo spent a few moments with a gentleman while waiting outside the ladies room in a gift shop on Oahu. The gentleman said to Frodo that things had certainly changed since last he had visited this island. Frodo asked when he had last visited? "1942," was the response, "and I was on a minesweeper headed out into the Pacific." Certainly, things had changed, and the frame about this picture along with it.

Another time Frodo conversed with a lady from Panama who was certainly a "grande dame" of a large and wealthy family. As the ship pulled into the Port of Orleans we discussed the fact that Frodo had once called this city home. Frodo recommended to her that a cup of "cafe au lait" and an order of "beignets" at the "Cafe du Monde" was a "platonic dish." Frodo and Sam happened upon her and her brood later that afternoon, sated, and grateful to their "NorteAmericano" friends who had introduced them to one of "God's gifts." Frodo wonders if she cried with him when Katrina ravaged?

On the South Rim of the Grand Canyon Frodo was amused by the lady who walked through the parking lot looking for license plates from her home state.
He was thankful that she was not from Texas (Republic of Mexico).

In Luxembourg, after an all-night flight, Frodo emerged from his hotel, walked into the street and said "Hello" to a guy who lived just down the street from him in the Shire.

While basking under the Matterhorn Frodo was suddenly encircled by a traveling group of Buddhist Monks, clad in the traditional orange, and wearing sandals. Unable to overcome the language barrier Frodo was left to surmise that they were merely comparing the Alps to the Himalayas. Frodo believes they dress similarly to those who wear kilts in Scotland

Frodo and Sam swam through the Blue Lagoon near Rejkyavik with the temperature near zero (Fahrenheit) and the Northern Lights visible in the night sky. The next day they walked through the rift that separated the tectonic plates on which Europe and America separately rest. No greater proof of the confluence of "intelligent design" and "evolution" need be addressed.

One day, 500 miles from land, in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, Frodo stood near the bow of the great ship, and he counted 10 rainbows and 5 thunderstorms, all at the same moment. He would have shared the moment in silent awe with George W. Bush.

Then he'd have thrown the jerk overboard.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:53 PM EST
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Monday, October 31, 2005
I Don't Like It But I Guess Things Happen That Way
Mood:  sad
Topic: "Sorcerer's Apprentice"
Frodo associates great memories with Halloween. Walt Disney's animated film, starring Mickey Mouse, "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" is one such memory. Dressing Lovey, the phenomenally patient border collie, in all manner of costumes for all the children in the Shire is particularly precious. However, the arrival of the appropriately named Punkin' on Halloween Eve is probably that which means the most to Sam, and thus to Frodo.

The telephone rang for Sam. It was the neighbor seeking Sam's assistance with a kitten that was at her back door, crying, lost and alone in the dark. The neighbor explained to Sam that she was allergic to feline fur, but it was so pitiful, and she was worried that it might come to harm amidst the goblins and ghouls who prowl the Shire on All Hallow's Eve. Sam is ever ready for just such an emergency.

It was the smallest cat, not just because it was a kitten, it was small in structure. She had a collar about her neck, and a tag with a number. The reverse of the tag identified the local humane society. Sam called the humane society, and was told that a kitten so numbered had been adopted less than 48 hours ago by the residents who lived across the street. Sam called the number given by the humane society and came into contact with the owner, who informed Sam that he had left the house and did not care what happened to the rest of the residents, much less the cat.

Given that it was Halloween, Frodo thought that Punkin' would be an adequate moniker for the newest resident of the Shire.

Punkin' never went outside again. There is a bond in femininity which links that which appears to be a bit smaller, and silkier, and somehow above all that goes on about. Sam and Punkin' would nap together, or discuss the daily bargain on the Home Shopping Network, or watch the rain while the stereo played softly in the background. Things that girls do, while they drink hot tea, supposes Frodo. Sam would always belong to Punkin', and all the rest of us were merely pieces of furniture.

Kidneys are not strong in small cats, and Punkin's gave out after just about a decade and a half. She lays with all the subjects who preceeded her into the hallowed ground of the garden. Frodo thinks of Punkin' on this the anniversary of her first visit to the Shire, and there is a shadow by the front window. Two small ears stand erect, and a tail swishes back and forth in time with the music. Classical music it is.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:56 PM EST
Updated: Wednesday, November 2, 2005 9:00 PM EST
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Friday, October 28, 2005
Bells Will Ring, The Sun Will Shine
Mood:  happy
Topic: "One Down, More Comin'"
When Robert Novak reported the name of an individual whom the CIA considered to be a covert employee, and whom he identified as an employee of the CIA, a technical violation of law took place. The CIA identified the problem to the Department of Justice, and requested that they investigate.

The law itself specifies that the disclosure must have occurred within 5 years of overseas service by the covert employee.

Valerie Plame, in 1998, was working in a clandestine setting as an agent of the CIA in Boston, Massachusetts. The disclosure of her identity took place in 2003. Falling within the time-frame specified by law, although not stationed overseas, Ms. Plame was still considered by the CIA to be a covert employee.

Assume, dear reader, for a moment that a covert employee has been overseas for a decade, and has finally come home. For however long might be necessary that employee will be de-briefed relative to information collected. At the same time, the contacts developed by this hypothetical will remain where they are, as confidential sources in a foreign land. Should Robert Novak, in the first week the employee is being de-briefed, for whatever reason, identify the employee, would he not be guilty of disclosure? Would not the safety of the foreign confidential sources be placed in jeopardy? Would not the utility of the covert employee forever be destroyed?

It costs lots of money to train a covert employee. It takes a long time to establish a covert employee. It takes the cooperation of lots of people to make a covert employee effective. All of this is done because it is important and it is necessary.

Frodo has a point to what has been written herein. In most of the world, and for the most of times, Robert Novak would have been placed against a wall and shot. "Scooter" Libby would, as one of the sources of information to Novak, stand against the same wall and suffer the same fate. Novak told the Special Prosecutor that he had more than one source.

Frodo almost gagged when he heard Sauron praise the efforts of "Scooter" Libby during "challenging times." Perhaps he would be well-advised to first ask "Scooter" to write the Citizens of Middle Earth a check for the fiscal cost. Then again, "well-advised" seems to be the whole problem, doesn't it? We all should first be grateful that, to the best of our knowledge, no innocent people died because they helped our country.

It is a bright and sunny day when a man leaves office who has brought dishonor to our flag, our Constitution, and to the men and women who serve us, in whatever capacity. Let us hope that Sauron doesn't want to give him a Medal, too.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:15 PM EDT
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Thursday, October 27, 2005
I Don't Want to Work, I Want to Bang on The Drum All Day
Mood:  rushed
Topic: "Give Us Your Tired. . ."
When Frodo was very small he first heard the term "migrant worker." Over time he learned that people from foreign lands came to the Shire to pick apples. That was just after they picked lettuce to the south, and before they picked cranberries to the north. Through the window from his seat in the rear of the motorcar piloted by his father Frodo saw the buildings, most often empty, where the "migrant worker" lived while they picked apples in the Shire. Frodo never remembers making any contact with them, so Frodo never knew whether they were happy, or sad, or if they even liked apples.

One evening while television was still new, and a projection in various shades of gray, Frodo saw a special report on the "migrant worker," and if memory serves him correctly it was called "Harvest of Shame." Frodo didn't have anything to be ashamed of, but he did recognize that some of the people in the report were from the same strange-sounding places as the people he had seen through the window from the back seat of his father's motorcar.

Now, many years later, Frodo hears different words applied to people from strange-sounding places who seemingly arrive as if by magic in lots of communities to do all kinds of work. These people are pulling the feathers off of chickens, and they are pounding nails into the roofs of homes under construction. These people are cleaning bathrooms in motels, and they are working in furniture factories. Some of them are also picking apples, grapes, oranges, tomatoes, and some of them do something different every day.

Frodo has often wondered if those people he saw through the window from the back seat of his father's motorcar were "illegal aliens?" Frodo always believed that his father would never tolerate anything illegal, so he has always been sure that "illegal aliens" is a relatively recent invention. "Probably," he thought, "the illegal aliens saw the 'migrant worker' come back to their homes in those strange-sounding places with lots of money and wonderful stories of how nice people were in the Shire."

Frodo's friend Boromir is very talented in ways that Frodo cannot imagine. When Boromir finished his work at Mount Doom, he decided to apply those talents to a new living. For a while Boromir would buy old houses, fix them up, and sell them. He could do all of the work involved, but all alone it took him a long time. Frodo is unable to this day to convince a nail to enter into the wood on a straight plane, so he was not of assistance to his friend. Boromir placed ads in newspapers for helpers, but no one applied. Finally, he noticed the "day laborers" who gathered in the city square each day. In desperation he asked if any of them wanted to work with him. No one spoke English. In a mixture of sign language and shouting Boromir was able to strike a deal with one of the "day laborers," to be paid by the hour in cash. That meant that the "day laborers" would not have to account to any government to be taxed on what he earned while working for Boromir.

Boromir had no choice. He needed the help, and he had no one else willing to assist him. Each day, the routine was the same and the "day laborers," generally a different guy each day, would work hard all day, do a good job, and then go his own way.

Boromir sought out his friend Frodo, because he knew that the rules were being broken. He asked Frodo if what he was doing was truly wrong. Frodo knew that the "day laborers" were probably the "illegal immigrants" of which he had heard. He knew now that individually they were the "migrant worker" he had seen out of the window from the back seat of his father's motorcar. Frodo knew that Boromir was torn by virtue and by necessity.

Many believe that Boromir is the problem, and that he should not engage "illegal immigrants" at any juncture. Frodo believes that people who think that way do not have any apples to be picked.

Many believe that Boromir should pay higher wages and thereby more easily find legal workers. Frodo believes that people who think that way do not worry about having enough money to pay what was promised.

Boromir eventually gave up his enterprise. The "day laborers" still gather in the city square, and apples hang from the trees in the Shire. In a strange-sounding place a newborn enters the world, and someone who looks a lot like Frodo peers out of the window from the back seat of his father's motorcar.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:00 PM EDT
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Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Splish, Splash, I Was Taking a Bath
Mood:  cheeky
Topic: "Trojans?"
On the 23rd of November the largest aquarium in the world will open to the general public. The good people of Oregon, a land somewhere beyond Eriador, are sending a great gift to those of us in the Shire to commemorate this event. Oz, a 5-year-old sea otter, will arrive in time for the grand opening.

Sea otters were once found from Baja to Alaska, but unlimited hunting for their luxurious fur reduced the total number to only 13 small colonies by 1911. The fur of the sea otter contains approximately 1 million hairs per square inch, as compared to the 100,000 total number of hairs on the head of a Hobbit (Frodo notes that by definition his personal mane will never again be qualified as "luxurious"). Oz, however, is the very first sea otter to have been conceived, born and raised by its mother in a zoo or aquarium. All those born before him died in infancy.

Each year on his birthday, January 3rd, the community of Portland has held a birthday party for Oz. His name, derived from "Oregon Zoo," signified his importance to this land so very far from the Shire. Frodo naturally assumed that this great gift was extended for a greater purpose, since Oz will share quarters with a female sea otter from the Denver aquarium. Frodo is confused by the truth.

There are no plans to breed Oz and his female habitat mate, and Oz is being given a "form" of birth control.

Excuse me? A "form" of birth control? For the male of the species? Are we talking "Otterectomy," or perhaps some form of behaviorally adjusted rhythm to the method?

Frodo used to enjoy those scenes on "Animal Planet," apparently where the sea otters float on their backs amidst the floating kelp, and pound abalone shells against the stones perched on their bellies. At least that is what Frodo thought was happening. How incredibly ingenious Oz must be to deftly remove the little condom from its' package, and to stretch it out and unroll it over his little Willy all while floating on his back. "Animal Planet" will never seem the same, but Frodo is looking forward to watching Oz perform in or out of captivity.

What else will there be to do when you've finished off your frozen fish for the day?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:43 PM EDT
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Monday, October 24, 2005
From This Valley They Say You Are Going
Mood:  chillin'
Topic: "Help Wanted"
As a public service and in an effort to improve the efficiency of the United States Government, Frodo offers the following WANT ADS, free-of-charge, to the appropriate employer of record.

Chief of Staff, Office of the Vice President, Executive Branch, The White House, Washington D.C.--must be American citizen. Position requires professional compositional experience in fiction. Incumbent must be able to make mountains out of molehills in support of born liar. Incumbent will be expected to discourage journalistic integrity. Prefer individual with sophmoric nickname. No Veterans' preference will be granted to applicants. Position provides transitional opportunity to major government contracting corporate entity. Call 202-212-1112, ask for "Buffalo Bob."

Principal Adviser, Office of the President, Executive Branch, The White House, Washington D.C.--Visa not required. Position requires total absence of personality. Incumbent will be expected to obfuscate the facts regarding any situation. Incumbent will be expected to "stragetize" without regard to morality or other non-essential activities in behalf of American "bidness." Prefer individual who knows all the words to "Melancholy Baby." Position provides frequent travel to rural dude ranch and to staged public speeches in all-white settings. Call 202-212-1111, ask for "Howdy Doody."

Frodo volunteers to compose additional WANT ADS based on the findings of the Special Prosecutor, and the American people, who finally seem to have extricated their collective heads from their butts.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:55 PM EDT
Updated: Tuesday, October 25, 2005 8:44 PM EDT
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