Mood: on fire
Topic: "Number, Please"(8)
The story you are about to hear is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
"Yes Ma'm, you can certainly help me. My name is Frodo. I am calling about telephone number 202-555-1212, which was my business telephone number. Since I retired effective December 31st, I have received one 'Final Bill' and three 'Revised Final Bill'. I paid the 'Final Bill' timely, and each of the first two 'Revised Final Bill' were satisfied timely also."
"You're welcome. My problem seems to be that this latest 'Revised Final Bill' is to satisy costs for Internet Service during the month of March. Since, the line is inoperative, and the business is closed, it makes me wonder why I'm being charged for service in the first place."
"No Ma'm, this was not my residential number."
"Ma'm, I'm calling the number on the invoice which says "Questions Concerning Internet Charges."
"Well Ma'm, since the invoice is addressed to a corporation, doesn't it seem logical that you all would know that this was a business line?"
"Yes Ma'm, I'm acutely aware of the 'Citizens United' decision."
"Ma'm, I just went through ten minutes on hold, and correctly pushed designated buttons five times in order to ensure that a 'business' customer service person could help me as opposed to a 'residential' customer service person."
"Yes Ma'm, I understand. Could you first give me the number to which I'm being transferred in case we get cut. . ."
Sam stands over Frodo in order to prevent him from throwing the telephone out of an open window.
"She did that on purpose, and I'll bet she's back there laughing with Ron Paul about the effectiveness of the private sector."
"Okay, I'll try again, but I'll try the number on the invoice that says 'Internet Services' this time."
"Yeah, it sounds logical to me, too."
Twenty-five minutes later.
"I'm sorry, could you repeat what you just said?"
"Sir, are you stationed in a foreign country?"
"No, I mean outside the US of A."
"No, I'm not calling about international service, I'm calling about being charged for internet service and I don't know why, or how to stop it, or anything."
"Please, could you help an old Hobbit and just speak a little slower?"
"That's much better. Thank you. Now let me start again. My number is 202-555-1212. . ."
"No, no. You're right the number is not in service. No. no, please don't hang up. . ."
One hour later.
"I'm going to go through the website for AT&T. I will follow every step as directed, and receive a response within twenty-four hours. Oh Happy Day!"
One hour and fifteen minutes later.
"Well Sam, methinks I've followed every protocol and have documented the situation as if it were a legal brief for the Supreme Court. All I have to do now is press ENTER. . .What, where did everything go? I'll try the 'back' arrow. . ."
"Yes, I'd like to speak with Mr. T? As in A T & T" you moron. . ."
"Where is the checkbook?"