Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Monday, March 12, 2012

Any Day Now
Mood:

on fire
Topic: "Number, Please"(8)

The story you are about to hear is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

"Yes Ma'm, you can certainly help me. My name is Frodo. I am calling about telephone number 202-555-1212, which was my business telephone number. Since I retired effective December 31st, I have received one 'Final Bill' and three 'Revised Final Bill'. I paid the 'Final Bill' timely, and each of the first two 'Revised Final Bill' were satisfied timely also."

"You're welcome. My problem seems to be that this latest 'Revised Final Bill' is to satisy costs for Internet Service during the month of March. Since, the line is inoperative, and the business is closed, it makes me wonder why I'm being charged for service in the first place."

"No Ma'm, this was not my residential number."

"Ma'm, I'm calling the number on the invoice which says "Questions Concerning Internet Charges."

"Well Ma'm, since the invoice is addressed to a corporation, doesn't it seem logical that you all would know that this was a business line?"

"Yes Ma'm, I'm acutely aware of the 'Citizens United' decision."

"Ma'm, I just went through ten minutes on hold, and correctly pushed designated buttons five times in order to ensure that a 'business' customer service person could help me as opposed to a 'residential' customer service person."

"Yes Ma'm, I understand. Could you first give me the number to which I'm being transferred in case we get cut. . ."

Sam stands over Frodo in order to prevent him from throwing the telephone out of an open window.

"She did that on purpose, and I'll bet she's back there laughing with Ron Paul about the effectiveness of the private sector."

"Okay, I'll try again, but I'll try the number on the invoice that says 'Internet Services' this time."

"Yeah, it sounds logical to me, too."

Twenty-five minutes later.

"I'm sorry, could you repeat what you just said?"

"Sir, are you stationed in a foreign country?"

"No, I mean outside the US of A."

"That's America."

"No, I'm not calling about international service, I'm calling about being charged for internet service and I don't know why, or how to stop it, or anything."

"Please, could you help an old Hobbit and just speak a little slower?"

"That's much better. Thank you. Now let me start again. My number is 202-555-1212. . ."

"No, no. You're right the number is not in service. No. no, please don't hang up. . ."

One hour later.

"I'm going to go through the website for AT&T. I will follow every step as directed, and receive a response within twenty-four hours. Oh Happy Day!"

One hour and fifteen minutes later.

"Well Sam, methinks I've followed every protocol and have documented the situation as if it were a legal brief for the Supreme Court. All I have to do now is press ENTER. . .What, where did everything go? I'll try the 'back' arrow. . ."

"Yes, I'd like to speak with Mr. T? As in A T & T" you moron. . ."

"Hello?"

"Where is the checkbook?"

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:02 PM EDT

Share This Post

Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink

Sunday, March 11, 2012

I'm a Road Runner Baby
Mood:

a-ok
Topic: "Frodo's Retirement"(8)

Frodo is approaching the issue of retirement with a sense of resolve. "Frodo will accomplish something each and every day. It may not be much, but he will be able to look back and say I did 'X,' or I did 'X+1'. It may be," he said "something entirely different or totally absent from my 'To Do' list, but something will get done." Frodo's sense of obligation herein is matched only by that of Barack Obama (President of the USA).

Frodo planned to wash his motorcar this date. It threatened rain however, so that item was shelved. The rain, it seems, has now, also, been re-scheduled.

Frodo has measured and drawn a plan of action to refurbish the gazebo which stands in the gardens of the Shire. The gazebo has come under periodic assault from the squirrels who serve as resident Taliban insurgents. Being Sunday however, Frodo felt that the crowds at the Home Depot of the Shire would increase his level of anxiety, so he re-scheduled his task until Monday's planned supply run.

Frodo needs to visit Lake Lovey and repair a few leaks on his pontoon boat. There is a C-4 explosive lookalike substance which meets the need, but Frodo always fears that a misplaced match may destroy all of East Tennessee. Besides, it is a healthy drive, and Sam needs to pack provisions with a 'prep time' that exceeds Frodo's whimsical plans.

A neighbor in the Shire has given Frodo a beaucoup number of strawberry plants from her garden. Frodo has created a potential gold mine of strawberries, and with the able assistance of Mick, the Wonder Dog, who has been assigned the task of pest aversion (mainly squirrels again), routinely patrols the area to ensure the safe maturation of the new breed (dubbed 'Frodo's Beauties'). This assignment is on-going.

As Frodo swept the remnants of yesterday's trim job from the driveway, he noticed something which had not been there yesterday. Lying on its face was a fully-grown Cooper's Hawk. Frodo turned the creature face-up and mistakenly took abdominal movements as respiration. Soon Frodo realized that this beautiful creature had reached a premature end. There was no blood, no sign of injury, and the body was flexible and warm. The end had been recent.

All of Frodo's neighbors were gone, so there was none save Sam to share in the ceremony that Frodo conducted. Mick, the Wonder Dog, paid proper homage and sniffed the remains from head-to-tail, and, as they always do, then he walked away from the smell of death. Frodo had a million questions, and he thought about taking the remains to the Chattahoochee Nature Center for a potential autopsy. "Too busy they are," he thought. "Better it is to return him into the cycle of life-and-death beneath the skies that he had owned. and beneath the ground where he hunted", said the choking Hobbit.

Frodo welcomed him home, amid the reality that what Frodo accomplished this day was important. He maintained Dominion, as was required. Some jobs, he thought, are worth doing, and worth doing right.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:45 PM EDT

Share This Post

Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Kiss An Angel Good Mornin'
Mood:

amorous
Topic: "Early Admission" (8)

On the day before, Frodo felt that nothing could go wrong. Less than six weeks into the academic calendar, he found himself accepted as a matriculant to-be at the College of the Shire. Fewer than twenty-four hours later, the President of the United States was dead. Frodo recalled those feelings as he looked into the eyes of one who knows history as history, and not as if it had happened just hours ago.

She will attend Spelman College, and she will study biology. She desires a career in Pediatrics. Her early admission, as was that of the Hobbit, is filled with hope. The difference being, perhaps, no more than the fact that her heroes will live as Frodo's died.

She will however ride with her stepfather each and every day as he manuvers through the hurdles of interstate transportation. Frodo would never have agreed to such an arrangement.

She will however spend countless hours initiating flow charts and marketing presentations from thin air. Frodo only remotely comprehends what magic it is that has completely changed the analytical tools at his fingertips.

She will however spend less time in a library during all four of her years than Frodo did in but half of any year. Everything is on-line, and hard copy is too, well, too.

She will however accumulate more debt in four years than Frodo has in a lifetime. Paying-as-you-go is a concept that is alien to the twentieth-and-one of centuries.

Her challenges are much, much greater than those encountered by the Hobbit. She will however handle them better, and she will succeed beyond the wildest dreams of the Hobbit or of this young friend who lives across the street in the Shire.

It is as it should be. There ain't no free lunch.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:58 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink

Friday, March 9, 2012

How Does It Feel To Be On Your Own, A Complete Unknown
Mood:

smelly

Perhaps the single piece of advice occurring most frequently in the life of the Hobbit is to "be yourself." Whether it was Bilbo or a vocational mentor, the message sent was the message received; that a "phoney" stands alone and unwelcome. Frodo had never really considered that this single piece of purported wisdom was actually something more than good intentions shrouded by poor preparation. That is, until Willard Mitt came along.

Do you suppose, dear reader, that Willard Mitt's Daddy never told him to "be yourself"? Why else would a Mormon who has established residences that range from Massachusetts to California begin talking about developing an affinity for Southern people, much less their accents or their dietary preferences? Listening to this buffoon's bulbous bifurcations in Mississippi would have brought Mark Twain to his knees. Frodo supposes that Fitzgerald, Morris, Percy, Wolfe, or anyone else associated with Southern literature would have denied the existence of a character so transparently, well, phoney.

True it is that people of all kinds and origin, be they in Michigan or Nevada, have come to the conclusion that this character (for want of a better term) not only fails to interact with people, but he insists on portraying himself as something familiar to them. Southern people all identify with Gatsby, or Tom Sawyer, or even Skip the dog, because they seem to appreciate something native. So what does Willard Mitt do? He wades into the crowd seemingly trying to trade recipes for peach pie.

He might as well have farted on stage.

Perhaps he did.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:10 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink

Sunday, March 4, 2012

He's The Man Who Never Returned
Mood:

suave
Topic: "March Forth" (8)

On the fourth day of March in 1887 a man named Doyle published a piece of fiction entitled "A Study in Scarlet." Frodo remembers this event on the sesquicentennial anniversary thereof because it also happens to be the only day of the year which, illustrated it is also by the topic shown above, is a command to go forward. Amusing it may be to acknowledge the first appearance of Sherlock Holmes in this manner, it is also a milestone for Frodo.

The number eight additionally appears in the topical line. For those who may have wondered, but never asked, slap your forehead when you realize that this is the first entry in the eighth year of Frodo's dialogues. It also marks the first instance of admiration by Frodo for any Englishman without wondering if the limey isn't a homo. Appropriate it is that the admiration is directed at a fictional character.

It would seem quite fortuitous to wax philosophical on such a day in Spring. Frodo feels equivocal on a number of issues however, so it signals a day to work in the Gardens of the Shire. It is so much simpler to fertilize azaleas, to rake that which was mulch and is now detritus, and to clean bird boxes. Constructive field labor allows Frodo to erase thoughts of Limbaugh and Santorum, and to concentrate on appropriate exercise for an aging body. It will be a good day, and better knowing that Mick, the Wonder Dog, sleeps, and snores, nearby.

Frodo could have named him Watson. That would have been too elementary, don't you think?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:09 AM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink

Monday, February 27, 2012

I Had The Time Of My Life
Mood:

celebratory
Topic: "A Patriot Act" (7)

That which is known as "Super Tuesday" will be upon us next week, after the Michigan and Arizona Primaries are held on the morrow. Frodo sees no need to elucidate. The media have done an excellent job preparing us for what has turned out to be an examination more thorough than anything not requiring a vaginal probe. It is significant however that Frodo will, once again, have an opportunity to exhibit his patriotism by, for the fourth time, voting against Newt Gingrich.

Like Michigan, Georgia is an "open Primary," so the decision to be made is for whom one should vote in order to add to the total for the weakest Republicant. Frodo, in a Presidential Election some years ago actually cast a vote for Pat Buchanan as the most desirable candidate opposing William Jefferson Clinton. The "open" Primary gives Frodo the opportunity to vote against three morons, and that will certainly include his corpulence. Frodo was originally planning to vote for the "fake Libertarian" Texas Ron Paul, thereby lumping Santini Santorum and Willard Romney into his unholy trifecta, but he has decided that this guy Santorum deserves to be the candidate most likely to humiliate every member of the GOP for the remainder of this millenium. So when the returns are reported on Tuesday next, remember that the race has been influenced, however slightly, by the vote of the Hobbit.

Note also, dear reader, that this will be the fourth time, and hopefully the last, that Frodo will cast a vote in opposition to Newt ("Once, twice, three times a Congressman"). Given the results of earlier primaries, this will likely be the "last round-up" for our Porky Pig stand-in. Never again will we hear how he "worked with Ronald Reagan".

Frodo is proud of what he has done on behalf of his country, voting against this sleazy, hypocrtical, lump of suet four times.

Frodo can almost hear all the members of the Fellowship as they chant "USA, USA, USA!"

How sweet it is.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:08 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Sunday, February 26, 2012

The Thing I Want Most Is The Thing I Can Not Win
Mood:

sad
Topic: "Tom Bombadil isDying"(7)

It is cancer, returning, spreading, through soft tissue and into bone. Years have turned into decades, and Frodo's good friend, who has lived to inspire so many to heights otherwise unobtainable, is again ravaged by that which portends the day when he shall be no more. Frodo is bearing the burden alone, telling not Samwise nor sharing the loss to be with others, who cannot comprehend the magnitude of the loss to come.

"I Yam What I Yam, I'm Popeye the Sailor Man" is what Frodo's friend told his own father so many years ago when he departed the worlds of success and honor in order to return to a small town, to teach, to coach, and to counsel the generation to follow. To that moment, Frodo did not understand, and was singularly involved in an effort to change the mind of his friend. That is, until he heard the words of Popeye.

Perhaps, in a Dickensian moment, Frodo sensed that there is no greater love nor sacrifice than that of he who knows what it is that he was meant to do, and that he goes therefore and does so. Frodo wanted Tom Bombadil to go back to the College of the Shire and to help brave Charlie go beyond the 157th position, and to make all the world safe for those who truly believe that education is the only answer. Frodo's arrogance was conflicted by the reality of the scythe that waits, for all.

It is good that Tom got to know and love Olive Oyl. Frodo will wish that he could have shared one more hamburger with his old friend, and for that he would have surely paid on Tuesday.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 7:40 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Please Release Me Let Me Go
Mood:

happy
Topic: "Alright, Who Did It?"(7)

Martin Milner, Nick Adams, Jimmy Cagney, Ward Bond, Jack Lemon, Henry Fonda. All gone now, but players extraordinaire in the movie made from the play, "Mister Roberts." All men, interestingly enough, especially considering what a bunch of toots a lot of men in America have turned out to be, a generation removed from a story about a whole generation.

Frodo has been thinking, and all of us are aware of the peril involved in such activity. Frodo has been thinking about what the world may have been like had Hillary Clinton won the Presidential Election in 2008. Frodo, as many know, fought hard, knowing that no matter what, he would see Aragorn as the leader of Middle Earth, as long as McCain & Palin were offal. Aragorn would either be the first African-American or the first Female to lead the world as America's President.

Imagine, dear reader, what Rick Santorum would say to Mrs. Clinton when he started talking about family planning, or birth control. Imagine what she might say to Governor Bob McDonnell of Virginia about vaginal probes and psychological examinations of female medical patients against their will? To say that such a confrontation might be worth the price of admission may qualify as the understatement of the twernty-first century, only 11 years old.

Frodo does not regret his vote in behalf of Barack Obama, but damn, wouldn't that have been a moment for all the world to see? Frodo imagines it would rival the moment when Frank Pulver, Laundry & Morale Officer, placed a fire-cracker in the Laundry.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:45 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

It's So Nice To Have You Back Where You Belong
Mood:

on fire
Topic: "Old McDonnell's Farm"(7)

Virginia produces religious and gender bigots. It is beneath Frodo's personal opinion of himself to document the Jerry Falwell-Pat Robertson-et al-cabal who have played upon the emotional weakness of that section of Middle Earth that was once known as "the Mother of Presidents." It is also, perhaps, overkill that one such as Frodo would rush to the parapet of the Black Gate and take command in the name of his sisters and friends. Nay, better it is that the Hobbit merely add a few shots of sarcasm to the legislative products which speak volumes about Virginia, a truly terrible place to live. Virginia, to alter the state motto, is for assholes.

Do you know what is written on the vaginal probes that are mandated under "Virginia Law" for those seeking certain methods of birth control?

ANSWER--"If you can read this message, you're too damn close."

Do you know what Sarah Palin wrote on her vaginal probe?

ANSWER--"You can see Russia from here."

Sometime, Frodo admits, it hurts too much to laugh.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:47 PM EST

Updated: Tuesday, February 21, 2012 9:52 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

It's Not For Me To Say
Mood:

caffeinated
Topic: "Dodged a Bullet"(7)

Frodo grows wary when he is asked the same question over and over and over again. It begins to bother him when he recognizes that those asking the question are all coming from the same perch, or should Frodo say, the same altar.

"Don't you agree that this is the most important election in American History?"

"No, actually" said Frodo. "The more thought thrown into consideration, the less important this election is in comparison to a number of presidential elections, both within my lifetime, and before" stated the Hobbit.

The look that emanates from friend and foe alike is that the Hobbit is some sort of Occupy something-or-other who needs to get a haircut, take a bath, and get a job (the point being that a lifetime working his way up Mount Doom means nothing to those who would follow Newt into a brothel or an ice cream parlor, the Hobbit is a "socialist" to them).

Franklin Delano Roosevelt, named by TIME Magazine as the most important person of the Twentieth Century, in one or more of his presidential contests certainly represented an election more important than that which will occur in November. The scope of the "Great Depression" and World War II in and of themselves alone certainly represented challenges which help produce what we all commonly refer to as the "greatest generation." It is hard to imagine what would have happened had Herbert Hoover or Wendell Wilkie been selected to run America "like a business."

John McCain and Sarah Palin, even considering the incomparable suffering as a POW by McCain, represent a campaign ticket that was created in a vain attempt to win an election at any cost. McCain's answer to economic challenge was to marry a rich wife. Palin's response was to write a couple of worthless books, and to hint about her past as a "sports groupie." Can any rational person believe that allowing the car companies to fold and cutting taxes would have brought about a quicker terminus to our economic dilemma? This was an election which dwarfed that which stands in our future, simply because it brought about the silence which now surrounds the eight years about which no one talks, even Republicants.

No, dear reader, the second term of Barack Obama, and his faithful sidekick "B.O." ("Bo", since you probably never realized this is how the dog got his name), will commence with an inaugural address which will be the second most important Second Inaugural ever delivered. His opponent in the election will be no more than a footnote in history, but he will author at least two worthless books. The President will, at last, have the opportunity to "bind up the nation's wounds. . .to do all which may achieve a just and lasting peace among ourselves. . ."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:10 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink

Newer | Latest | Older

«	March 2012					»

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
				1	2	3
4	5	6	7	8	9	10
11	12	13	14	15	16	17
18	19	20	21	22	23	24
25	26	27	28	29	30	31