Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Monday, March 28, 2005

Pass the Biscuits, Mirandy!
Mood:

silly
Topic: "Polish or Polish?"
Does it surprise anyone that there is a new Diet Plan which is all the rage, in Poland? So help me, this dude with overly wavy hair has written a book which prescribes a High Fat Diet. 250 grams of Fat, per day, is the guideline. A four egg omelet, three rashers of bacon, toast, with butter, and a glass of whole cream would comprise about 25% of the minimum Fat content so prescribed daily.

Chicago is the center of activity for the Diet in America. One lady testified to the fact that she had gone from a "size 14" to a "size 4" following the Diet. She was observed with a plateful of pierogies and other assorted yeasty fare one associates with Poles.

The truth is I have never met a Polish person who in anyway resembles a Pole. Frodo has been in many places, and Polish people always seem to be just past middle age, and bulging at the seams. My old buddy, Joe Rakowski from Philly, had been a Marine in his younger days, and was probably the closest to a Polish Adonis in my experience. Even in the Olympics, the only Polish athletes I remember were weightlifters or shotputters. John Paul, the old guy who is the current Pope, looks like most Polish guys I have ever known (just a bit more feeble, however).

There was once, however, a Polish Princess. I imagine even she is now overweight and a serious candidate for the new Diet. Frodo thinks it is terribly unfair that someone should prey on the public without divulging that the 250 grams a day of Fat is actually a 50% reduction from the present intake by the typical Polish participant. It is sort of similar to George Bush telling Frodo to privatize his Social Security account.

Have you ever considered that every other nationality is an adjective, while Polish stands alone as a noun? We have CHINESE food, FRENCH kisses, and ITALIAN marble for example, but we have a jar of shoe POLISH. Or is it polish?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:24 PM EST

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Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Oh, What a Web We Weave
Mood:

on fire
Topic: "Pickled Cabbage?"
www.Petrovka38.ru
Now there is a Web site you don't see everyday! The City of Moscow has initiated an interactive Web site where concerned citizens can file complaints about cops, traffic, and the law. "The police should be thrown out with the morning trash," one motivated contributor wrote. "The forum is being monitored, and the suggestions are being taken into consideration," said Pavel Klimosky a Deputy Police Chief and Coordinator of the Web site.

On March 9th, "Yelena" posted that as she and her husband were leaving the Moscow subway they came across a police officer harassing a group of elderly women selling pickled cabbage (Note that in Atlanta the scene may be much the same except the street vendors would be teenagers marketing T-shirts). "Yelena" wrote that she was shocked to see a policeman yell at the old ladies, then kick their buckets, sending pickled cabbage flying. "The cabbage and pickles doused my husband's pants. . .I demanded to know the officer's name and badge number, but he just told me to (expletive deleted)!," said "Yelena."

Shocked as Frodo may be, he is also aware that a Cop in Houston would probably have emptied his Glock into one of the little old ladies after kicking her bucket.

There might just be something to this interactive crime fighting. The technology brings the whole world closer together, and Frodo can see the day when the local Johnny Cochranski would follow the first ambulance to the scene on behalf of an aggrieved class of individuals whose clothing had been soiled by pickled cabbage. Even worse, of course, would be Jerbaldo Reiverinschev on behalf of CCPTV News giving "fair and balanced" reporting from the scene.

And they said they were going to bury us.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:05 PM EST

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Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Playing Solitaire 'til Dawn With a Deck of 51
Mood:

rushed
Topic: "Many happy returns"
Frodo always does his own income tax return. It is a matter of pride. It is a rite of spring. It is a test of the self-assessment system. It is first-hand experience with bureaucracy. It is something else I do that George W. Bush is not bright enough to do (that brings the cumulative total to 1,329).

In Florida, it is not uncommon to walk into an IRS office, and find the waiting room packed with elderly people. Mind you, there are many questions to be asked, but there is something unique at work. Watching closely, note that once an individual's "number" is called, and they come to the counter with their question, they often return to the waiting area after taking another number. There they wait until called again. This may continue for several hours.

Frodo once asked a gentleman about this puzzle, and learned that when one doesn't have anything else to do, why not challenge your mind with the tax laws of our nation? Besides, you meet nice people, your own age, and if you play your cards right, you might get lucky.

Frodo admires "yankee ingenuity," and hopes that all efforts at tax reform fail miserably. By the way, the gentleman finally left, with a new friend, and she looked hot.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:34 PM EST

Updated: Tuesday, March 22, 2005 8:46 PM EST

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Monday, March 21, 2005

The Man Who Would be King
Mood:

caffeinated
Topic: "Water into Wine?"
Absent a loaf of bread or a creel of fishes, Senator Bill Frist performed what is, by every conceivable measure, a miracle. This Medical Doctor by training transferred all of his thoracic surgical skill into the world of Neurology. After examining a videotape for less than an hour, he was able to cast professional doubt on the diagnoses of virtually hundreds of medical personnel. He, obviously, had been touched.

Senator Frist laid his hands upon the TV monitor, and pronounced Ms. Terry Schiavo as something more than one recused in a vegetative state. This was justification for an unprecedented assault on the procedural rights process defined by a sovereign State.

Senator Frist was not heard to comment on the Republican Party memo which identified this situation as a "political opportunity" for the Republican Party. Senator Frist was already in transit to Percy Priest Lake to practice parting the waters.

Frodo remembers a story from a long time ago. It was about a disciple who was told that he would deny the truth on three occasions before the rooster crowed. He argued vehemently that he would always stand for the truth, no matter what the cost. Alas, he heard the crowing rooster as the final denial fell from his lips. Senator Frist may want to reflect on his role by asking for wisdom before running his mouth and proving its' absence.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:50 PM EST

Updated: Tuesday, March 22, 2005 8:37 PM EST

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Sunday, March 20, 2005

There's a Parallel Here, Just Think About It.
Mood:

d'oh
Topic: "Man's Best Friend?"
The Governor of the State of Georgia is Sonny Perdue. He is the first Republican elected to that position in over 132 years. Governor Perdue was formerly a Democrat. Governor Perdue was probably separated at birth from his identical twin, "Curly" of the Three Stooges.

Governor Perdue was a veterinarian in private life. Frodo has always liked and admired veterinarians.

Governor Perdue recently performed an operation to neuter a male dog that was half-Shepherd and half-Rottweiler. The purpose of the 45-minute operation, supposedly, was to publicize the need for all pet owners to have their pets spayed or neutered. A noble purpose, or so it seems.

Frodo could not help but note that the Governor kept referring to the patient as a Democrat. I suppose we should all be more than just a little wary of politicians making decisions about the way we live our lives, or end them.

One of our esteemed Congressional Representatives, Phil Gingrey, who is a physician, was formerly a State Senator (Frodo's State Senator to be precise). When he cast his vote to maintain the State Flag with the Cross of St. Andrews on prominent display, Frodo contacted him. Frodo stated that such a position was hurtful to anyone wanting to relocate a business to Georgia, and therefore hurtful to the State. He agreed with me, but told me he voted the way he did because it was "what a majority of the voters in my district want." I told him he was a disappointment.

Today, the same guy votes against "what a majority of the voters in my district want." He votes against 61% of that population to pursue this family issue thing in Florida. I suppose he developed a conscience because Frodo called him a disappointment.

Frodo regrets that Gingrey is not half-Shepherd and half-Rottweiler.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:32 PM EST

Updated: Monday, March 21, 2005 8:57 PM EST

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Saturday, March 19, 2005

'Tis an Ill Wind That Blows
Mood:

smelly
Topic: "To Arms, To Arms"
John Oxendine, the Insurance Commissioner for the State of Georgia announced today that he was withdrawing from the race for Lieutenant Governor. Two candidates remain on the Republican side; one of whom is a Mr. Cagle, supported by many in the banking community. The other candidate is Ralph Reed. There is an announced Democrat, but his name is not even familiar to Frodo, and I read this stuff.

Georgia is an open primary State, so it would have been possible for every voter with an IQ greater than their age to vote in the Republican Primary and cast a vote against Reed. This is, quite obviously, a political deal for Oxendine. "You don't run against Ralph, and the Party faithful will support you for some other plum in the near future."

There will be deals galore to elevate Reed to the lone runner spot, figuring that an anonymous Democrat in a "Red" State would be no challenge. This is a threat to freedom. Frodo is open to the suggestions of the wise and the wonderful. How do we head off the election of one who is so evil?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:52 PM EST

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Friday, March 18, 2005

Lance Itoh Started It All
Mood:

suave
Topic: "Who Torted?"
Almost 20 years ago the very talented fullback of the Washington Redskins, John Riggins, sat next to Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor at a White House gala. After several visits with the wine steward, the engaging Mr. Riggins, leaned over to his right and instructed the Associate Justice to "Lighten Up, Sandy Baby!" Mr. Riggins then gracefully slid out of his chair, slipped under the table, and passed out. History has never recorded the response by Ms. O'Connor.

Frodo wishes John Riggins still played for the Redskins, but even more he wishes that all of the Sandra Day O'Connors' would remember Riggins' immortal words. Michael Jackson is on trial, and Robert Blake just got off. Brian Nichols commences his fight for life, as Scott Peterson loses his. "Law and Order" is "regular" and "SVU," "Criminal Intent," and another one, "Trial by Jury," which holds even less of Frodo's interest. There is Court TV, and there is the Abrahms report on MSNBC, and don't forget Greta Van Nosejob on the Faux News Network. Everywhere Frodo turns there are lawyers interrupting each other.

Before Johnnie Cochran begat Judge Itoh there was only "Mr. District Attorney." Frodo misses black and white TV more and more every day.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:35 PM EST

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Thursday, March 17, 2005

The Bush Legacy
Mood:

chillin'
Topic: "Thar She Blows"
January 19, 2009--Outgoing President George W. Bush today announced that drilling has commenced on the 156th oilwell on the White House front lawn. President Bush will be long remembered for his initiative to turn all public lands open for energy exploration. "I am proud that my Administration was pro-active in our national effort to expand America's energy capacity. From our first days in office, when Vice President Cheney met secretly with all the crowned heads of energy companies around the world, it has been our goal to reap all of the fossil fuels which belong to all the people."

Outgoing Energy Secretary Spencer Abraham announced earlier this morning that the 19 test wells at Yellowstone, the 45 "dry holes" in the Great Smoky Mountain National Park, and the 4 exploratory drillings at the Acadia National Seashore in Maine were all worthwhile efforts. "Although we didn't find any oil, we put a lot of Americans to work." said Secretary Abraham. "We also helped turn our trade imbalance in the right direction by piping all of the oil so far recovered from the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to China."

"It is one of my proudest achievements," said the President, "that we helped preserve our nation's natural beauty for future generations. We did not drill a single well off the coasts of Florida. We have been a national steward."

Incoming President, former Florida Governor, "Jeb" Bush echoed his brother. . .

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:19 PM EST

Updated: Thursday, March 17, 2005 8:21 PM EST

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Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Doe, a Deer, a Female Deer; Ray, a Drop. . .
Mood:

don't ask
Topic: "Aagh,I'll Pay,I'll Pay"
Officials in India's southern Andhra Pradesh state have adapted the concept of "Aversion Therapy" to modern government. Drummers have been hired and are dispatched to the homes of tax laggards. The drummers play, continuously, until the outstanding balance is paid in full. T.S.R. Anjaneyulu, the local municipal commisioner explains that "They put up a spectacle outside the houses of defaulters, draw them out and explain their dues to them and the need to clear it." Since authorities began pounding in the tax law, nearly 20 percent of the overdue payments have been made.

Frodo believes there is applicability to the collection overload faced by the IRS. He shudders to imagine 24/7 of "Snoopy Dogg Doo" (or whatever his name is) outside his home in the Shire. But how about Ken Lay listening to "You Light up my Life," over and over and over? Richard Scrushy getting "Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll love ya tomorrow," until he admits to anything?

Good thing Frodo didn't join the National Guard.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:47 PM EST

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Tuesday, March 15, 2005

God Save Queen
Mood:

happy
Topic: "We Will Rock You"
Until today, the village of Harby in Nottinghamshire, north of London, was the kind of hamlet whose main claim to fame was that Eleanor of Castille, wife of Edward I, died there in 1290. Today "Reality TV" struck when BBC offered the citizens $20,000 to participate in their new series, "The Week the Women Went." All of the hamlet's women would leave town en masse and agree to be put up at a luxury hotel while the town's men would struggle on their own for a full week. 80 of the 119 women in the hamlet signed up immediately.

An emergency meeting of the entire hamlet, the first called in 11 years, is scheduled for tomorrow night. Joanna Horbury, the landlady of the Bottle and Glass Pub, who has volunteered to leave her husband and their 20-month old daughter was quoted as saying, "I think it all sounds very exciting." Mr. Paul Marshall, vocation unidentified, complained that this kind of show never makes anybody look good. BBC officials were asked not to attend the meeting.

Frodo is of two minds on the issue. He would be out of both of them if he said another word. Film at 11.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:13 PM EST

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