Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Wise Men Say Only Fools Rush In
Mood:

bright
Topic: "Chingachgook Lives"
Frodo, Legolas and Mick, the Wonder Dog, have safely returned to the Shire. This past Saturday they walked the Bald River Gorge in the Land of the Orangemen. Leaving their motorcar at the Bald River Falls in the Park of the Cherokee, they hiked from the falls upriver many miles, hoping to meet another trail which would lead them back to their starting place. Floods in the springtime however washed away a critical bridge, and the funds for repair are not as critical a need as the attempt to uncover weapons of mass destruction. The hikers returned via the same route as they used to enter the Gorge.

Filmed nearby was "The Last of the Mohicans," starring Daniel-Day Lewis. Frodo could not help but think of himself as the Deerslayer, accompanied by Uncas and Chingachgook, pursued by the evil Magua. Behind every waterfall or cascade Frodo looked for a cave wide enough to hide should Magua and his warriors suddenly emerge from the shrouded mountain laurel and rhododendron.

Mick was hesitant at first, unfamiliar as he is with a lead role on an unfamiliar trail. He held to Frodo's right, as if to keep himself between Frodo and the precipice of the trail falling steeply into the gorge. On the return trip he held firmly to the lead and stopped only to look and make sure that those who were his responsibility were accounted for. Several times, when Legolas lagged far behind, Mick would not go on until Legolas caught up and Mick could sniff his crotch to assure himself that he was as he appeared.

Legolas was deliberate, taking in both the diversity of the plant life, the incredible beauty of the river itself, and the occasional frog or salamander who wandered into view.

At one point, as the travelers tired from their all day march, Mick caught the sound of a roaring cascade, and the refreshment that whizzed by in its' course. Dimples, as big as a bathtub, had been carved into the rockfall, and many were filled with water. Mick found one to his liking, crawled in, promptly sat down, and proceeded to drink his fill. Legolas took off his shirt, dipped it in a similar pool, and squeezed the pure water down over his head. Frodo removed his shoes and socks, and dangled his feet in a cooling eddy. The water could not have been more than 50 degrees, and each of the travelers concluded it was as close to heaven as any had yet come.

It was a great day. One that humbles Hobbit and Elf, and that cements a relationship with a dog that will mark those days when there are no more outings together. Frodo is grateful for every such day.

It could have been a very bad day. Had the travelers continued on the second trail and attempted, tired as they were, to cross the roaring river at the spot where the bridge had been, tragedy would have been a likely end.

The Forest Service does what it can with what it gets. Frodo will not be surprised when he reads about the travelers who followed, and their unsuccessful crossing. Frodo guesses it is more important to extend that Halliburton contract in Rep. DeLay's Congressional District, than it is to re-build a footbridge. Who knows, the next kid that drowns there might be a Mohican?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:48 PM EDT

Updated: Saturday, August 13, 2005 9:46 PM EDT

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Thursday, July 28, 2005

You Can't Always Get What You Want
Mood:

silly
Topic: "Look for da Union Label"
Previously Frodo described the health condition of his long-time friend Rocky (see "The Italian Stallion"). Rocky continues his magnificent rebound and has actually gained a little weight. He has, however become an African-American. His fur is matted into corn rows, and he is unwilling to tolerate efforts to brush him. He has developed some memory problems, and can't seem to remember when, if, or how much he has eaten. He discusses it at great length with himself in a shrill manner at all hours of the early morning.

Sam's Father has reached an advanced age and, after Sam's Stepmother fell prey to Alzheimer's, required Assisted Living. The couple had a cat whom they never really named. Fearful that the 3 year-old white male might become disoriented in the Assisted Living facility, the decision was made that "Beau" would come to the Shire.

Rocky has seen creatures come and go over his 22 years. Under normal circumstances one more addition to the menagerie would be of minimal concern and/or interest. Sydney, the cockatiel, who often flies down to sleep with Rocky, will require some re-programming. Mick, Fiona, and Georgia will sniff his butt and ignore him. The concern for Frodo is how the real Lord and Master will handle the intruder.

Yesterday, when Frodo returned from Mount Doom, and after he had greeted the larger members of the pack, he saw the "dog door" swing free and heard the incessant yammering of his first feline companion. It was if he were issuing a report on what had transpired in Frodo's absence. Following is a translation of the conversation.

"Do you know what Sam has done? Sam brought another cat into this house, and it stinks! Sam must plan to replace me with this illegal alien. I demand to speak to my Union Representative!"
"Whoa big fella, you da man. Nobody can replace you."
"Yeah, well, our contract requires that you consult with me before personnel actions are taken here in the Shire."
"Honestly, Sam has been talking about this with you for months, and trying to get you used to the idea."
"Who pays attention to that kind of talk, I just assumed that Sam was just engaging in a little verbal foreplay in order to get me to eat that stuff in the blue can that I don't like."
"Come on in, let's take a look at the new guy, and see if we can't establish some groundrules."
"You go establish groundrules, I am going to file a grievance against both of you, and I know two Hobbits who better test their tennis shoes before putting them on 'cause I feel a need to spray my markers around this place."

With that the conversation ended. Beau is on one floor, Rocky commands all others. Frodo is glad that Sam's Father never got into reptiles, hamsters, or cattle.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:06 PM EDT

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Monday, July 25, 2005

Make it Easy on Yourself, 'Cause Breakin' Up is so Very Hard to do
Mood:

blue
Topic: "Lights of Chicago"
The transition from "The Big Band Sound" to "Rock and Roll" arguably denotes a seismic progression in music which may never be fully defined. It was racial, it was sexual, it was a generation coming of age in a world defined by the Nuclear. Matriculation to adulthood in these times meant that music was a defining part of the id. Frodo, in tribute, offers a musical line to title each entry in this chronicle.

One of Frodo's favorite favorites goes something like this, "Ooooh Girl, I'll be in trouble if you leave me now, Ooooh Girl. . ." "Oh Girl" was sung by the Chi-Lites, and it rocketed to Number One on the "charts" in 1972. It was followed soon thereafter by the mellifluous "Have You Seen Her?, Tell Me Have You Seen Her. . .?" The vocals actually emote yearning with streamlined arrangements and an occasionally pensive narrative, seemingly wrapped in velvet. These "soul sounds" still bring unrestrained movements to hips and pelvis now less fluid than when there was meaning to the sway.

The Chi-Lites named themselves after the lights of their hometown. Their leader, Eugene Record, age 64, died this past week. Frodo has observed and admired many "Jazz Funerals" in the City of Orleans, and he wishes that he, too, could dance and twirl an umbrella in tribute to a man whose creations will always be a part of Frodo.

"Ooooh Girl. . ."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:08 PM EDT

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Sunday, July 24, 2005

Sometimes All I Want is the Air That I Breathe
Mood:

accident prone
Topic: "Butterflies? Sheesh!"
Frodo is very proud of his garden in the Shire. Native plants, perennials, wildflowers, bulbs, and unidentified woody structures seem to keep a year-round bloom. Birds, squirrels (unfortunately), and butterflies abound, but today Frodo learned something that may change some of his focus.

Ruud Kleinpaste hosts a new show on Animal Planet called "Buggin' With Ruud." This gig ups the ante with physical stunts and acts of entomological derring-do in the vein of "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin. Kleinpaste will pull almost any stunt to spread his love for bugs. Last week he completed his eighth episode filmed entirely in the Okenfenokee Swamp, one of the creepiest, crawliest places on our planet, as well as a site for several visits by Frodo, Sam, and on one occasion, Legolas.

Saving bugs may sound like the quest of a true tree-hugger, and Kleinpaste does have a Master's in Forestry, but his mission has true scientific value. Cockroaches, ants, and maggots are nature's trash compactors, and mosquitoes are a primary food source for birds, fish, and many other animals. Increasing awareness of their value in nature's balance is a worthwhile endeavor.

Frodo believes however that Kleinpaste may have crossed the line, and his actions have produced negative consequences. In his most recent taping, Kleinpaste points to a dark mass alongside a murky pond in the Okefenokee, atop which are six swallowtail butterflies. The yellow and black aviators also abound amongst the butterfly bushes in Frodo's garden. Kleinpaste then reveals that the brown mass is the result of his own call from nature. He had relieved himself as a demonstration of the attraction that butterflies have for human waste.

Shoo, butterfly, shoo. You know that one over there looks remarkably like Paul Wolfowitz.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:13 PM EDT

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Saturday, July 23, 2005

He Can't Run His Own Life, I'll be Damned if He'll Run Mine
Mood:

on fire
Topic: "Frodo Regrets"
Once upon a time, the Republican National Committee got Frodo's name as a businessman, and they started sending him unsolicited material. These geniuses assumed that all businesspeople are Republicans, and that they naturally would want to contribute to the effort to cut personal taxes, and be damned with the impact on our country and its' people. They made a boo-boo!

One of the solicitations included a pre-addressed, postage paid, envelope. Frodo went into the outbuilding housing his motorcar and found a sturdy box. Inside the box Frodo stacked the bricks he had been accumulating for just such an event. When the box was filled, Frodo neatly taped the box and pasted the pre-addressed, postage paid, envelope on the outside of the box. He then drove to the Postal Office nearby and hand-delivered the package to the appropriate officials in blue.

Strangely enough Frodo did not receive any additional solicitations from the Republican National Committee for many years. That is until George W. Bush sent him a Christmas Card.

Frodo has been laying for the Incomparable Moron, knowing that he will again have an opportunity to heap a little dung on the head of what is truly the worst Presidency in American History. This week, an opportunity passed by Frodo, and he chose not to act.

George W. Bush came to The Shire, and he was the guest of the Metro Atlanta Chamber of Commerce, of which Frodo is a member. As a Member, Frodo was offered two tickets to sit in the "whites only" section of applauding neo-cons who sit behind the President and applaud even when he says something totally stupid. You know, dear reader, the kind of event which is strictly controlled so that "the rabble" are not allowed to protest the incompetence, and he ends up speaking only to a choir of like-minded simpletons.

Here was Frodo's opportunity to exhibit public protest, and to probably even get some air time on MSNBC if he were to "moon" George W. Bush. Frodo chose, instead, to write a polite letter to the President of the Metro Atlanta Chamber of Commerce, thanking him for the invitation and declining to attend "due to the fact that there is not enough money on the face of our planet to coax me into sharing a podium with the only President who has ever truly hurt our country."

There is a time when Frodo would have "mooned" the Incomparable Moron. If Boromir and Legolas had been with him, they would have shared the same cell with him for at least 48 hours.

Something more appropriate will come our way, because our opponent is bound to do something stupid again, soon.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 3:59 PM EDT

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Thursday, July 21, 2005

You Better Think, Think About What You Trying to Do to Me
Mood:

bright
Topic: "Pugnacious Maverick"
"If at the end of the First World War we had done what we promised the Arabs, which was to let them be free and have their own governments, and kept out of Arab affairs and just bought their oil, rather than feeling we had to control the flow of oil, I suspect this wouldn't have arisen," said Ken Livingstone, Mayor of the City of London. Livingstone offered a sweeping indictment of American and British policy which, he feels, have produced the current spate of terrorist attacks. Specifically he took aim at US officials who, "in the 1980's recruited and trained Osama bin Laden, taught him how to kill, to make bombs, and set him off to kill the Russians and drive them out of Afghanistan. They didn't give any thought to the fact that once he'd done that he might turn on his creators."

Frodo would like to remind Ken Mehlman that William Jefferson Clinton was not the President of the United States during any of the points referenced by Mayor Livingstone.

Frodo makes no pretense about his lack of interest in British politics. It has taken him since March to merely recall the name of the husband of Queen Elizabeth (For those of you equally stymied since first this question arose, research indicates that Caspar Milquetoasts' real name is Phillip--but Frodo still doesn't know if his name contains one or two "l's"). Frodo has long believed that were one to superimpose a map of European Overseas Colonies in 1914 over a map of the World in 2005, one would immediately identify all of the locations which have harbored a war, a revolution, or insurgent genocide since the end of World War II. Vietnam of course as "French Indo-China," and the "Belgian Congo" are prime examples of that theory.

The Mayor of London has won Frodo's heart by espousing a similar philosophical perspective on the world as it now exists. His problem however is the same as Frodo's. The political leader of his country can't see past those stupid-looking reading glasses he wears on his nose. His political leader mimics words, not thoughts. Frodo's political leader, when confronted by "two paths in a yellow wood," chose the one most traveled by, "and that has made all the difference."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:08 PM EDT

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Monday, July 18, 2005

I Was Feeling Kind of Seasick, the Crowd Called Out For More
Mood:

cheeky
Topic: "Sink or Swim"
Legolas and Frodo were friends long before Frodo moved to the Shire. Once upon a time, Legolas and Frodo both lived in the Land of Orleans. Adventurous souls that they were, and given their mutual interest in nature, it was not surprising that eventually they struck out on their own to fish the Grand Bayous of the Land of Orleans. It should be noted that the Elf and the Hobbit were truly outsiders and not properly outfitted for the Grand Bayous.

In Frodo's styrofoam sailboat, the two set out, paddling, into the Grand Bayous with their fishing rods, and a pound or two of raw shrimp for bait. They were more than 50 miles from the Grand City of the Orleans.

As the day wore on, and the sun and the humidity took their toll, Frodo was regretting ever having let Legolas talk him into the foolhardy adventure. The only saving grace was the absence of the Orc-like Gator who forsook the saltwater marshes for fresh water, or so he had been led to believe. Suddenly, in front of the adventurers a swarm of seagulls appeared as if by magic. They were circling and swooping into the water like acrobats in pursuit of the trapeze. By instinct, or because of "Animal Planet," both Frodo and Legolas knew that the birds were diving into a school of fish.

In a frenzy bordering on the miraculous, the school of "speckled trout" was everywhere around the sailboat, and every cast of the line landed a fish. Soon Frodo and Legolas realized that the fish were even biting a bare hook, so the frequency of flopping fish released into the boat increased incrementally. Fish flopped up and out, and neither of the adventurers cared, because three had already taken its' place.

Just as suddenly the birds were gone, and the froth disappeared from beneath the boat. The school had moved on, and the adventurers were left sitting with a boat full of fish, so full that the slightest wave would wash water into the heavily laden craft. The adventurers turned their tiny craft back toward the landing where they had left Frodo's motorcar.

It was a long and arduous trek, paddling a sailboat, whose riggings were useless in the still humidity of the Grand Bayous. As the sun set, and the sounds of the Grand Bayous came alive, Frodo realized that the levees which bordered their path also separated fresh and salt water. He realized that as he watched the Gators clamber over the levees into the salt water of the Grand Bayous. They smelled fish.

Legolas and Frodo were not prepared to sacrifice their catch without a struggle, nor were they totally stupid. They bent their backs into the waters in perfect rhythm, and watched the red eyes skimming the surface behind them, watching and waiting for a mistake. There was a shared sense of purpose by the adventurers, and they pulled the sailboat onto the landing with hardly a member of the catch lost to the pursuers. Without words, Frodo held the plastic bags while Legolas poured in the fish, and emptied the remaining ice in the cooler kept in Frodo's trunk. The red eyes were present the entire time.

When Frodo and Legolas returned home, long after Mid Night's Eve, Sam was a flurry of recrimination. Even worse was Sam's pronouncement that cleaning the fish was not part of Sam's assigned duties, and that Frodo and Legolas had all night to accomplish the task. Frodo felt it appropriate to omit some of the details of the adventure, and to seek out a couple of sharp knives. Legolas made the mistake of suggesting a few recipes for speckled trout stuffed with crabmeat. It was a bloody scene.

Many days have passed, but still Frodo and Legolas talk of that one shining moment when the fish bit on bare hooks, and the number was so great that no one bothered to count just how many there were.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:29 PM EDT

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Sunday, July 17, 2005

It's a Small World After All
Mood:

cool
Topic: "Great American Hero"
"Hugh Thompson."

"So that is the answer Oh great Carnak, and we, thy unworthy servants, are supposed to guess the question?"

"Correctamundo, oh camel breath."

Frodo still misses Johnny Carson, and the way he could turn something from one end to another, and something very serious would become so very funny. Frodo will do his best to take the name of a real guy, and see if he can't say something appropriate about a real hero.

In her new book, "Stoic Warriors: The Ancient Philosophy Behind the Military Mind," Nancy Sherman reports on her interview with Hugh Thompson. For those of you old enough to remember, the name will come soon. For those of you under age 40, Frodo will explain.

Lt. William Calley of Georgia led a troop of American soldiers into a tiny hamlet called My Lai. For whatever reason, the Americans lined the villagers, including unarmed men, women, and children, in front of a ditch and they began to machine gun them into eternity.

Hugh Thompson, from the same small town in Georgia, was piloting a helicopter and observed the on-going massacre. Thompson brought the helicopter to a landing alongside the American troops, and he ordered his side gunner to open fire on Calley's men if they blocked his efforts to halt the massacre at My Lai.

Frodo has long believed that the massacres at Kent State and at My Lai were among the worst moments in his lifetime.

Hugh Thompson returned to Vietnam, and to the village of My Lai some 30 years later. A frail, aging woman who had survived the massacre rushed up to meet Hugh Thompson. Through an interpreter she asked him "Why didn't the people who committed the murder come back with you," and there was a pause while the interpreter completed the sentence, and Thompson erroneously thought he already knew what the end of the sentence would be, "so that we could forgive them?"

At that point, Thompson recalled to Sherman, "I totally lost it. How could this woman have compassion in her heart for someone who was so evil. She's a better person than I am."

Frodo has heard of the incredible confrontation between Calley and Thompson, two boys from the same town in Georgia, in the same tiny hamlet in Vietnam, in one of the darkest of all moments. It proves that it is a small world, after all.

Hugh Thompson made it a better place. Frodo has always wanted to meet Hugh Thompson's son, and like the fictional minister in a little town in Georgia to have him stand respectfully when his father, not unlike Atticus Finch, walked by.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:04 PM EDT

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Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Suicide is Painless
Mood:

caffeinated
Topic: "Forbidden Fruit"
Frodo often thinks about things that no one talks about. Sam once said to Frodo that every family has a "secret" that they never discuss, although everyone knows about it. "It" might be an aunt that has a real taste for John Barley-Corn, or a niece who happens to like girls as much as Frodo, or an uncle who died very suddenly, and without much explanation to the Hobbits and the Halflings.

No word imported into the English language ever carried the nuance of "kamikaze." Pilots who celebrated their religion by sacrificing themselves against the impending fleet of the Allies were kamikaze. The number of ships, and sailors, lost in the final weeks and months of World War II were staggering, but the psychological impact was enough to loosen the bond on the most destructive force imaginable. Hiroshima and Nagasaki occurred because "kamikaze" was a reality for which the Allies had no defense. Kamikaze ended only when the Emperor told the people of Japan that to continue the struggle would be an evil act.

"Suicide bomber" is a sanitary statement, stripped of any relationship to religion, or to duty. This evening, a young child was captured in a suicide vest in Palestine, and stripped of his weaponry. The media reports that his mother had been promised $23 for his sacrifice. Frodo has no idea if this is true, or if it even approximates what he actually said to his captors. What Frodo does know is that there is no reference to religion, to patriotism, or even to hatred of Israel. He is reported as having acted for money.

Evidence is now clear that the tragic bombings in London were conducted by suicide bombers. Frodo has listened to the reports, cried with the grieving families, and waited for preliminary information before speaking. It is clear that there is no defense, even in locales so frequently targeted for violence as London or Haifa, and that little has been done which lessens the threat of death and disfigurement to innocent peoples. It is not enough to say that government has done all it can.

For more than 60 years, two generations, the World of Middle Earth has been confronted by those who view death as a transition, rather than as an end. Death is not viewed in such circles as "loss," it is "entrance."

Kamikaze pilots were usually Shinto. Suicide bombers are most often Shiia Muslim. Those who celebrate the end of life as entrance to Heaven are Christian. Frodo supposes that these murderers are just giving us what we want.

Frodo truly hopes that those who murder innocents never enter an afterworld. Pain and nothingness are what Frodo believes are their just reward. Frodo also hopes that talking about suicide as a waste, a loss, the absence of reason, will convince others that it is not a "secret" worthy of any family anywhere. No sacrifice, no atonement, no reward, just a stupid and senseless act decried by all religions.

To date, no Islamic cleric anywhere in the world has issued a FATWA against those who committed, much less those who supported, the attacks of September 11, 2001. The "suicide" which was unleashed upon innocent people has never been officially condemned as unholy. There is no "Emperor" to call upon the faithful to lay down their arms. There is only the clerics, the one societal institution to which the faithful pay obedience. The clerics, who represent the one thing for which the faithful are willing to die.

Frodo wonders why a behavioral scientist, posing as Secretary of State, doesn't see the obvious?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:21 PM EDT

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Monday, July 11, 2005

Do the Monkey Now
Mood:

blue
Topic: "Don't Feed the Animals"
There is a battle for life and death which has received even less coverage in the media than either the "Downing Street Memo" or the e-mails of Karl Rove. The conflict is the result of the throngs of camera-toting tourists who have crowded into the most scenic parts of South Africa and who have ignored all the warning signs that threaten fines for feeding the baboons. The animals have gotten used to the treats, and become increasingly aggressive in their search for more. A half loaf of discarded bread, for example, will provide a baboon with more nutrition than what could be obtained in four hours of foraging.

Jenni Trethowan of "Baboon Matters" manages nine monitors who try and keep baboons away from population centers, thereby reducing the potential for conflict with humans. The humans, says Ms. Trethowan, are sick of having their kitchens ransacked by primates who have an uncanny ability to break into houses. Twenty-one baboons were slain by humans in 1999, and eight were lost in 2004. It is believed that there are somewhere around 270 surviving baboons in 30 different troupes in the general area.

Diana Head, a resident of "Pringle Bay," a seaside village, removed all the gutters from her home and electrified a fence around her house after she found baboons trying to force open her upstairs windows. The entire village was under virtual siege last year after baboons repeatedly raided the local store and a children's nursery. "Things," she said, have gotten a bit better "because the dominant male baboon who led the raids and specialized in removing sliding glass doors, apparently has been replaced by a more placid baboon."

With deference to those who decry evolution as the process which produced modern man Frodo, who holds a unique position himself in that chain, cannot help but comment on this conflict between species of mammalian.

The well-intentioned imperialists gave more wealth to the inhabitants of the Middle East than could ever have been unilaterally amassed. This disturbance to the normal order of things is at the heart of conflict between these distant cousins. When the well-intentioned tried to lessen the reward or to change the rules, violence ensued. Frodo notes that the baboons had enough good sense to change leaders, and that sadly, dear reader, is where the similarity ends.

It seems to Frodo that George W. Bush would probably be pretty good at removing a sliding glass door. Were he in charge of that troupe, he would be recognized as an effective leader. That is, until all the baboons were gone.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:26 PM EDT

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