Mood:  mischievious

"Man Destroys TVs in Wal-Mart Bat Attack."

Frodo was thrilled at the headline in the Metro Section of the once-great, now-sorry, ATLANTA JOURNAL-CONSTITUTION.

In his mind's eye, Frodo envisioned a story whereby the Lords of Bentonville had unknowingly constructed a megalith over the entrance to a cave which harbored millions of hibernants.  Imagine if, dare he say it, they were fruit bats, and the story would go on to explain how the "greeter" at the front of the store had been overwhelmed by a storm of uninvited "window shoppers" and the result had been the destruction of the entire store supply of HDTV's by tons of bat poop.  Frodo would have paid for admission to the claims presentation by store management to the insurance company underwriters.  

Alternatively, the story might have been about some member of the Tea Bag Party who was attacked by the store mascot, i.e. the Wal-Mart Bat, and who destroyed hundreds of TVs attempting to escape from another lunatic in a clown suit.  Frodo dreamed of his make-believe role as Officer Frodo attempting to present charges for malicious mischief to a wary judge.

What he didn't expect to read, given the wording of the headline, was that a miscreant named Wesley Strellis, 23, of Gwinnett County Georgia (home to the "Runaway Bride," the "Barbie Banditos," and the attempted assassin of Larry Flynt) had calmly walked into his local Wal-Mart, selected a baseball bat from the Sporting Goods section, and proceeded to smash the daylights out of every TV on display.  At "press time," there had been no information available as to the motivation for the alleged destruction of more than $22,000 worth of televisions.

Frodo would argue "justifiable self-defense" in Mr. Strellis' behalf if, as is often the case, all the TVs had all been tuned into FOX News.  No rational person could withstand that much bat shit.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 4:26 PM EST

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Mood:  caffeinated

Benzedrine, or "Bennies" as they were known in the day, was used to assist struggling scholars somnambulate through the third exam in only two days.  Everyone has heard the story of the "other guy" who dropped his pencil on the floor, and spent the remainder of the available time on the floor, contemplating how the pencil could once again assume its rightful position in his hand.  Frodo heard the story too, and it is one of the reasons he never tried the stuff.  Besides, his Old Man would've killed him.

Frodo is not ashamed to surprise everyone and admit that even as an offspring of the era, he didn't do anything like that (of course, he did everything else imaginable, except land an airplane on an aircraft carrier).  Frodo enjoyed the more temporal pleasures, and he did his best to become an artiste.

In 1965, Frodo was administered anesthesia.  As much as he'd like to profess that surgery was required in order to salve wounds suffered in arguing against another unjust war, it was actually of assistance in correcting the "deviated septum" with which he had been born.   This is relevant only because this past Monday encompassed another anesthesia injection, and helped to convince Frodo that it will be at least another 45 years before he gets wasted in that format, voluntarily.

Frodo has long believed that there have been no white, American, males admitted to medical practice since 1965.  In fact, in some "specialties" the practitioners are even more segregated.  It has been Frodo's experience that every gastroenterologist whom he has ever met was a Jewish guy named Cohen.  Everyone was at least a foot shorter than the Hobbit, and weighed fifty pounds more.  In truth, every one was married to a "Jewish American Princess" whose mother stalked the unwitting medical student until he relented and married her daughter.  Of note is the fact that Frodo has also never seen a gastoenterologist smile, and perhaps the imagination is a better producer of straight lines than the Hobbit at this juncture.

Frodo had never undergone a colonoscopy, which has been the reason behind the sincere and intense haranguing in recent days by a bevy of associates.  Frodo was referred to a guy he had never met, and when Frodo was wheeled into the "medical facility," he was greeted by a smiling Italian, named Tranchina.  Frodo should have known to ask for a fat Jew.

When Frodo came to, Sam was beside him.  The "procedure," scheduled for no more than 30 minutes, lasted more than 50.  It seems that the hacking cough which plagued Frodo throughout January was somehow re-energized by the presence of anesthesia, and Frodo had hacked his way through the entire procedure, and the staff were somewhat concerned about the "restricted airway" which resulted.  In all, Frodo came to with no knowledge of what had transpired, except for the fact that he felt pretty funky.

Frodo has developed a "dry" cough that is accentuated in moments of excitement or mild exercise.  As long as he stays close to cough medicine, which is a narcotic he supposes, he is slowly regaining normalcy.

By the by, all that was discovered was a 'medium-sized" polyp, "way back up in there," and appropriate slides are being pored over by scientists who do not get paid enough for what they do, every single day.

Georgia, a laughingstock by most measures against other parts of America, does require that health insurance providers include the colonoscopy as a part of every policy they write.  That doesn't mean they are cheap, it just means that you can get one easy enough.

Frodo is not ashamed to document this instance of "public enema number one" for all his friends and followers.  He hopes that all will take advantage of a service which helps fight premature demise, even if, sometimes, the cure is like Timothy Leary on steroids.

Frodo hopes you will be there when he next returns to utilize the services of Dr. Tranchina--in 45 years.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:52 PM EST

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Mood:  silly

"This is your correspondent Frodo Baggins, reporting to you from the Midway, at Opryland USA.  Here we are in the middle of the event that dwarfs all the other events of the weekend, the very first National Convention of the Tea Bag Party."

"As you can see behind me, the crowds are humongous, with over 100 people who are at least 100 pounds overweight, in flip-flops and other fashionable apparel provided by the good folks in Bentonville, Arkansas."

"What strikes you first are the colorful and creative tee shirts which adorn the throng of merry-makers.  There are yellow shirts bearing witticisms like "If they didn't want you to eat it, why'd they make it look like a taco?" and that old family favorite, "Insured by Smith & Wesson."

"The crowd is still recovering from the inspiring kick-off speech offered last evening by that great American, Mr. Tom Tancredo (who may be seen in reruns of 'The Sopranos').  The former Congressman from the State of Colorado (make a note to cancel ski vacation) thrilled the throng with his inspiring reflections back to the good ole days before the demise of the poll tax and desegregated schools.  This correspondent can tell you ladies and gentleman, you couldn't even hear the ketchup slurped off a single french fry during that speech!  What a way to warm up the crowd!"

"Oh boy 'though, the biggest part of the celebratin' will come later this evening, after all of the workshops and committee meetings are concluded, when the Queen of the Heartland arrives in her personal double-wide.  Sarah Palin herself will speak before the largest crowd in Opryland political history, to over a thousand people paying $350 a piece to hear her refute that little Communist bitch Katie Couric and discuss the latest issue of the 'National Enquirer,' which she has read from cover-to-cover."

"The importance of this grass-roots gathering cannot be over-emphasized in the opinion of this correspondent.  It won't matter if former Governor Palin doesn't get around to mentioning Rush Limbaugh and his use of the word 'retard' more than 40 times.  It won't matter if the Congresswomen from Minnesota and Tennessee do stay away in order to protect themselves from ethical whispers emanating from campaign contributors.  What matters is that these Americans, free from the restrictions of fact and education, are here. . .in Opryland. . .on Super Saints Bowl Week-end. . .while it snows like hell all over the East Coast. . .and these bunch of lunatics will spend all day Sunday finding that the road back to the trailer park started when they dropped out of school after the seventh grade."

"Frodo Baggins, signing off.  Until next time, America."      

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 12:23 PM EST

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Frodo is not a particularly big fan of Rep. Ron Paul (R-TX).  First off, as most know by now, Frodo is not a particularly big fan of anybody or anything from the area he wishes he could return to Mexico and not have to pay reparations to anyone dumb enough to accept America's biggest waste product (which certainly explains the reason for large deposits of natural gas therein).  Additionally there is the Congressman's proclivity to demonize the presence and the actions of the Federal Reserve Bank, a position which Frodo feels reflects the sophisticated thinking of the early 16th Century.  Representative Paul twists his little nose into the operations of something he does not understand, thereby producing the reason that Frodo rejects Paul's proposed interjections in behalf of transparency and good government.

Seemingly, it makes sense to widen government operations into the open air, and thereby enhance the democratic concepts of everyman as a part of our democracy.  Frodo asks however, dear reader, do you really want Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-NC) in any way involved in America's financial decision-making future?  What about Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-MN), who proves to the world on a seemingly nightly basis that she has no vestige of common sense?  How about Rep. Phil Gingrey (R-GA) who sits on the Board of Directors of at least two banks both of which are presently under FDIC requirements to "cease and desist" ineffective operations? 

Can you imagine what it would be like to bring these semi-morons into each and every decision to raise or lower interest rates by a quarter point?  These people are owned, lock-stock-and-barrel by interest groups that would lobby them endlessly, one way or another.  There would be no capacity for cooler heads to prevail on business decisions which shape our fiscal wherewithal. 

Frodo suggests, dear reader, that anyone living in or near a major urban area in America first find out if there is a Federal Reserve Bank nearby.  Then, states the Hobbit, go there and take a free tour of the facility, available almost every working day.  Ask the volunteer tour guide about how the members of the local Board are chosen, how often they meet, and what impact their recommendations have on the fiscal policy of the United States?  Then, go home, get down on your knees and thank the Maker that Rep. Ron Paul and Rep Phil Gingrey, and the rest of the Congressional Clowns are out there picking their collective noses, and doing no further harm.

It may not be perfect, but at least it is Paul-free.  Frodo sincerely hopes that those good people who have sought understanding of his protection of this aspect of America's Economic System reflect on the fact that, sometimes, it is good not to have too many cooks (or Texans) pissing in the broth.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:54 PM EST

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Mood:  loud

"Secretary Gates, Admiral Mullen, welcome to our hearing this morning.  As we all know, the Administration is proposing that the Congressional Legislation commonly known as "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," be rescinded.  Before the Congress considers such action, it is incumbent upon us to seek the opinions of both the Department of Defense and the Joint Chiefs of Staff.  Let me begin by asking Admiral Mullen for his comments."

"Mistuh Chairman, ah object."

"I'm sorry, Senator Simply Useless (aka Saxby Chambliss) (R-GA), I did not hear any question or point raised prior to the opening comments of Admiral Mullen.  What is your objection?"

"I object to the presence of all them pink ribbons openly worn by those in the gallery.  That symbolizes the anti-Chrisitian leanings of those who would defile our honored military veterans.  I ask that they either remove their ribbons, or they be escorted out of this chamber forthwith."

"Senator, why?  No one has, to my knowledge, sought to either disrupt or influence these proceedings, assuming they can begin over your objection."

"I retain my objection."

"Senator, in consideration of your objection, and recognizing the fact that you have no military service history yourself, due, I believe, to a 'bad knee,' isn't it inappropriate for you to even be present in the room with people who have served our nation?"

"Mistuh Chairman, I would've gone to Vietnam had I been able."

"So noted.  Please proceed Admiral Mullen."

"Chairman Frodo, I also object.

"Senator McCain (R-AZ)?  What Sir, is your objection?"

"Since this hearing addresses existing legislation, it seems propriety would require that minutes from prior Congressional Hearings on this matter should first be read into the record."

"I beg you pardon Senator, but you want the Congressional Record, twenty years later, entered into these proceedings?  That sounds rather wasteful to me."

"Mister Chairman, it is incumbent upon this Congress to act to prevent this Administration from ignoring the safety and security of the United States by admitting bung-holers and cocksuckers into the the first lines of our defense."

"Senator McCain, can you give this Chair a single example in order to give any credible consideration to your request?  What negative impact do you foresee if this Legislation were amended to give equal access to military service by all who qualify?"

"Mister Chairman, I fear that those under the spell of homosexuality would be unable to stand up to the rigors of torture as was inflicted upon me during my years of captivity in North Vietnam."

"I see.  Well Senator, I believe every American respects and is grateful to you both for your service, and your sacrifice.  What is it which makes you think that a guy who came in fifth from the bottom of his graduating class at West Point would perform better than someone who graduated first in her class at Wellesley?"

"Mister Chairman, I'm not sure I appreciate the tone of your response."

"Senator, you have exerted your bias and your attempt to forestall consideration of an important public issue before any input has been presented by either the Secretary of Defense or the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.  That is improper by both you and Senator Useless.  In my opinion, it is a reflection of a couple of tired old men, who simply forgot that old soldiers, and old draft-dodgers alike, are meant to fade away."

"Well, I never."

"No you didn't.  No you haven't.  Nor will you.

"Sit down and shut up you old farts.  It is time for us to get on with the business of being Americans.  Perjhaps you should take notes.  Admiral Mullen, I believe this country is listening, above the cacophony, in order to hear what you have to say.  Please proceed." 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:02 PM EST

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Mood:  special

Frodo has been listening to a lot of music lately.  The destruction wrought upon one nation introduced him to Justin Timberlake, who won Frodo's respect for the "Hallelujah" he introduced to a world full of watchers the other evening.  Bruce Springsteen gave fresh meaning to "We Shall Overcome" during the same presentation, but it was the memory of something almost forgotten which drew Frodo to search out the lyrics of Quincy Jones and Michael Jackson.  They captivate the Hobbit time and time again.  Frodo is not ashamed to admit that his eyes burn and his heart breaks when Ray Charles takes the microphone, and Frodo searches for the sources of the harmony behind.

The tragedy is that one song only begets another.

"There comes a time when we heed a certain call

When the world must come together as one.

There are people dying and it's time to lend a hand 

To life--the greatest gift of all.

We can't go on pretending day by day

That someone somewhere will soon make a change.

We are all a part of God's great big family

And the truth

You know

Love is all we need.

We are the world

We are the children

We are the ones who make a brighter day

So let's start giving.

There's a choice we're making

We're saving our own lives.

It's true

We'll make a better day

Just you and me.

Well 

Send them your heart

So they'll know that someone cares

And their lives will be stronger and free.

As God has shown us by turning stone to bread

And so we must lend a helping hand.

We are the world

We are the children

We are the ones who make a brighter day

So let's start giving

There's a choice we're making

We're saving our own lives

It's true we make a better day

Just you and me."

Tina Turner, Dionne Warwick, wow, hey, isn't that Dan Ackroyd? 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:36 PM EST

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Mood:  don't ask

Sports, politics, love, work, it don't matter, if momentum is going in the wrong direction there are times when you might as well roll over and turn off the alarm clock (digital, of course).  The Shire is home to hacking coughs, frazzled nerves, overcast skies and limping canines.  It is almost as much fun, says Frodo, as an enema (which reminds him of the colonoscopy scheduled for February 8th).

This past Sunday morning probably dawned, although from the incessant drizzle and invisible skies it was difficult to ascertain.  Frodo had risen early, simply because further sleep was denied by associates requiring the relief provided by authorized urination in the great out-of-doors.  Frodo wondered if President Obama was having as much fun as he. 

Sam and Bilbo were having a heated discussion about breakfast plans.  Frodo had completed his critique of the Sports section, but lacked the capacity to attack Business, National, or Local.  He retreated to the bathroom.

While brushing his teeth, and with the small window on the world slightly ajar, he was startled by the muffled words of a loudspeaker nearby, but out of sight.  "This is the Police.  We are serving a search warrant at this address.  Please come out with your hands up."

This is not a usual morning presentation in the vicinity of the Shire, even on a Sunday.  Frodo nearly strained his neck in the attempt to see something through that tiny window, anything, which might give him some insight into what was going on out there, beyond the Gardens.  His rushed exit from the bathroom caught the attention of Fiona and Mick, the Wonder Dog, who immediately sensed adventure.  Sam and Bilbo listened to his harried explanation but noted, as did Frodo, that things were now silent in every direction.  It was also raining.

Frodo, Fiona, and Mick, the Wonder Dog, all properly leashed, took off in rain garb toward the perceived source of the audio activity.  Alas, they found neither flashing lights nor guns drawn.  Sane people, Fiona seemed to say, were back inside, eating breakfast.  By happenstance, Tom Bombadil approached in his motorcar from the opposite direction, and stopped to briefly exchange greetings with the sopping Hobbit and companions.  When informed of the impetus for Frodo's sojourn, Tom attested to the fact that nothing untoward had occurred where he had been.  Frodo noted the sarcastic tone from he who had not even been in the proper vicinity, but it signaled the wisdom for Frodo to return to the interior chambers of the Shire.

He coughed with every step bound toward home.  The closest thing to real human interest had eluded his keen sense of observation, and now he faced incessant questions with no apparent answers.  Frodo quickly eliminated the memories from the appropriate storage facilities in his cerebellum.

Today, however, Bilbo noted a short paragraph in the local newspaper (if you can sanely refer to what they now allege to be a newspaper).  It was noted that in the general vicinity of the Shire, on Sunday morning, a SWAT Team had taken possession of an automobile believed to have been used in a shooting in Mordor.  Although the names were unknown to Frodo, the location was such that it probably represented the events which had drawn his attention, and this narrative.

This evening, Frodo walked by the general area of the events of the day before.  He tarried.  Fiona seemed disinterested, but Mick, the Wonder Dog, was a willing understudy in the search for clues.

Both of his associates wondered why Frodo kept referring to Mick, the Wonder Dog,  as "Watson."   Sometimes, an overly active imagination is all it takes to give meaning to existence in the middle of winters discontent.  

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:46 PM EST

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Mood:  smelly

After appearing on "American Idol," the eldest daughter of the newly-elected Junior Senator from "the bluest State in the Union," appeared on-stage, with her Dad.  In both instances she appeared to be completely clothed.  Perhaps the adage to "do as I say, not as I do" reflects the management style of the Brown household; offering hope to those among us who might linger outside a window in order to observe "up close and personal."

Frodo has paid little attention to the thoughts of others for the past several days, focusing more on his own problems and recollections.  Again, the iconic personage of Abraham Lincoln is in mind, especially in the first year of the Great War against those who dared oppose the "bluest State in the Union" and subordinates of lesser dominion.  Lincoln's popularity was not daily measured by Pew, Harris, CBS/Wall Street Journal, or any other now-familiar poll, although it can be reasonably assumed that his numbers were pretty well down the charts after First Manassas.  Frodo thought of that especially when he heard one call for the firing of Larry Summers, as if he were the George Meade redux.

Lincoln was plagued by military leaders who lacked his judgment.  The result being that his every waking hour was devoted to someone offering him advice on who to replace, or what Proclamation to sign.  Lincoln was besieged by a public who demanded reparations for the cost of War, and who treated those who had opposed them as if they were terrorists, rather than the sons of Scots-Irish immigrants.  Lincoln knew that winning the War was top priority, but beyond the pale was what would happen to the nation in the days that followed.  

Frodo recalls an unusual instance during the most recent Presidential Campaign.  While campaigning in his "home" State of Hawaii, Obama took off on his own for a long walk, and he was, much to his chagrin, tailed by the ever-present Press Corps.  Clearly irritated, he begged the journalistic paparazzi to leave him alone, and give him time to "think."  Frodo knew exactly how he felt, and surmised that his fondest photograpic portrayal of Lincoln  was a portrait of the man, seated, alone, open palm to chin, in painful consideration of the challenges that never seemed to end.

Obama is surrounded by very wise and talented associates.  This is enough to distinguish him from Lincoln, whose assemblage was challenging, if not rebellious.  Perhaps it is the very competence of his advisors, and the faith that he has in them, that keeps President Obama from the solitude which characterized Lincoln's decision-making, and which guided Obama in the days before he became President.  Frodo has difficulty zeroing in on a single characature of Obama alone, as President, in his thoughts.

Frodo's ramblings aside, it is appropriate to reflect upon the fact that Harry Truman once threatened a journalist who criticized his daughter's piano-playing.  A long way we have come it is to a senatorial father who introduced his daughter's availability on television, even in jest.  Some men, it seems, never understand the value of walking alone. 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:02 PM EST

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Mood:  accident prone

If Martha Coakley were a candidate for political office in the Shire, Frodo is not sure he would vote for her.  Of course, if the option was Saxby Chambliss, Jim DeMint, Jeff Sessions, Ben Nelson, or some other purveyor of personal aggrandizement, the unknown Ms. Coakley would receive Frodo's unquestioned endorsement.  Ms. Coakley is however running against a true unknown, who appears to be the beneficiary of the many gaffes and strategic stumbles of Candidate Coakley.  That, to Frodo, is two steps beyond danger, and at the entrance to the Twilight Zone.

Frodo is an admitted chauvinist when it comes to sports.  Frodo played football, basketball, baseball.  Frodo is still a workout runner, and he prides himself on his knowledge of the nuance of team sports.  Why, therefore, should he give any credence to anyone named Pam, Robin, or Erin when it comes to the Super Bowl?  Frodo will listen to any guy, and that includes the worst sports announcers in America (see Atlanta, network affiliates), over any female sports announcer.  To the best of his knowledge, Frodo is unaware of any guy who wears a "sports bra," and he does not know any woman who has ever even playfully burdened herself with a jockstrap.  These two facts alone are sufficient to justify Frodo's biases.

Given that bias, in a Hobbit as opposed to some turtle pucky from Alabama, would an outstanding public prosecutor from Massachusetts begin to talk about baseball and the biases of a Republican Pitcher about whom she doesn't know squat?

Ms. Coakley, next time ask Frodo before you open your mouth about professional sports.  These guys are all money-grubbing Republicans.  They have made quazillions of dollars, and all they care about is maximizing their deductions.  With the exception of a few black guys who rallied to Candidate and President Obama, they are Republicans and they have no sense of obligation to anything beyond a fully-deductible "foundation," and the cost of an ounce of crystal meth.

Should you ever decide to run again, talk about the sense of accomplishment you feel when you put a murderer or terrorist away forever.  Frodo appreciates the brains and the brawn of a prosecutor.  What he can't stand is a self-serving politician who tries to be his pal.  Apparently, the voters of Massachusetts feel the same way. 

Given all of that, this guy Brown could be a member of the John Birch Society for all we know.  As long as she doesn't come out with a dip of snuff between her cheek and gum, Frodo is willing to accept Ms. Coakley into the United States Senate.  What he won't do is watch her broadcast the Boston Red Sox.     

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:25 PM EST

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Mood:  surprised

Mood swings, thought Frodo, were something to be endured amid any personal relationship.  It is rare however, that Frodo finds himself doing an absolute 180 degree mood change, especially when it involves a photograph.  Earlier this day, given the human tragedy in Haiti, Frodo was thinking about the father of the college girl who'd been informed that his daughter was okay, then to find out that the information he'd been given was incorrect.  On top of all that, he was worried about an election in Massachusetts, of all places, and the absolute irony in the fact that Ted Kennedy's replacement could put the coup de grace on healthcare reform.

Frodo was, at best, pretty blue.

Then he saw the picture.

Evidently, this narcissistic moron who has been gaining in "the polls" as the Republican hopeful to replace the late Senator Kennedy posed for a picture in 1982, in the nude.  Frodo immediately tuned in his black-and-white to the local FOX News affiliate.  Certainly, thouight Frodo, the purveyors of "fair and balanced" would be covering this right alongside the daily blather of Rush Limbaugh and the pontification of Rev. Pat Robertson.  Frodo, it seems, was half-right.  The FOX News crew were in deep discussion about everything except Brothers Limbaugh, Robertson, and the only Massachusetts politician who has proven himself to be "dickless."

When Frodo heard that President Obama would be assisting in the campaign of the Democrat, Ms. Oakley, he couldn't help but hope that he takes along that picture which demonstrates his "abs," as a point of comparison. 

Frodo has been trying to remember the significance of other photographs in other elections, and he thought about LBJ holding one of his beagles up by its ears.  In truth, he cannot recall any "policake" photos which left the viewer scouring for actual warts on the epidermal layer of the prospective vote-getter.  Maybe we ought to consider that.

Frodo smiles.   

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 12:18 PM EST

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