Mood:  irritated

"Oyez, order in the Court, the Honorable Frodo Baggins presiding."

"May we have the first case please?"

"Yes, your Honor, the Court calls those involved in 'Flowers v. Department of Education'."

"Yes your Honor, I am Gloria Alldreadlocks representing Mr. Pussycat Flowers who is charging the Department of Education with failure to identify prurient behavior in purported educational materials which had an extreme negative impact on my client's development into adulthood, and resulted in the subsequent deviant behavior which threatens his livelihood to the tune of $15 Billion annually."

"Excuse me?"

"Your Honor?"

"Did I just hear you say something like the school books that your client used during his pre-adolescence contained pornographic materials which turned him into a sex addict?"

"Simply put, that is true your Honor."

"And what are the materials in question, if I may be so bold?"

"We are specifically addressing the reading materials now known as 'The Adventures of Dick and Jane'."

"Dick and Jane?  You mean the boy and the girl who had a dog named Spot, I believe?"

"The same, your Honor."

"Mr. Holder, are you prepared to defend the Department of Education?"

"As much as I can be, your Honor?"

"Proceed Ms. Alldreadlocks."

"Thank you, your Honor.  Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client, Mr. Pussycat Flowers is a celebrity who has been unduly harmed by the basically obscene materials used to first teach him to read.  His sexual tastes and appetite were shaped by the disgusting aspects of these schoolbooks. . ."

"Excuse me, Ms. Alldreadlocks."

"Yes, your Honor?"

"Could you, in the interests of time, clarify for me to what exactly do you refer?  Could you, for example, read a few lines of that which you speak?"

"Yes, your Honor.  What follows is exact language taken from various of the materials selected at random:"

"See Dick come."

"Watch Spot watch Dick and Jane come"

"Come Jane."

"Dick and Jane like to play with Spot."

"See Spot jump."

"Would you like me to continue, your Honor?"

"I think that will be enough for now, Ms. Alldreadlocks.  May I ask, did Mr. Flowers receive his elementary education in Texas?"

"Are you asking whether or not the Texas State Textbook Review Board had involvement in the selection of these materials, your Honor?"

"Ms. Alldreadlocks, I truly thought I had seen everything, so I'm just trying to determine if there are even greater instances of lunacy out there then that which you purport to represent."

"Your Honor, I object. . ."

"I'm sure you do.  Ms. Alldreadlocks, as I dismiss these proceedings let me suggest that you never again come (pardon the expression) before this Court with that hair-do.  Short of that mophead Leslie Stahl, you have the ugliest head of hair I have ever seen."

"Mr. Flowers, get a life, and a job!"

"Case dismissed."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:27 AM EDT

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Mood:  smelly

Tom Bombadil is a very good neighbor, despite his attractive front lawn.  Several years ago, he noted that Frodo had invested heavily in something called zoysia (a form of grass that one can walk upon, but not smoke).  Thanks to the generosity of Frodo, the small plugs and pieces transplanted into Tom's yard have become the envy of the Shire.  Frodo, erroneously it seems, planted several trees and bushes amongst his new lawn, failing thereby to realize that these additions would grow and add shade to a lawn that thrives on full sun.  Tom, the freeloader, took note and made no additions to his lawn.

For several years, Frodo has silently resented Tom's beautiful lawn and found instances to add stray locusts and grasshoppers into the bounteous shade of aquamarine that shimmers all summer.  Despite the chicanery, the situation has worsened year-by-year as Frodo's lawn thins and Tom's makes every edition of "Gardens of the Shire."

Ah, but the end of a gruesome winter bodes well for the Hobbit.  While Tom locked himself in his igloo, Frodo prowled the aisles of Home Depot in search of a solution to his contining embarrassment.  With little free time on his hands, Frodo took advantage of the one day of the entire winter in which it neither rained, snowed, or allowed the wind to begale itself.  Spreading an overly generous amount of "Weed n' Feed," Frodo now sports a lawn which is greening up nicely, and which is weed-free (so far).  Tom, unfortunately (so says Frodo in public, anyway) seems to have borne the brunt of the weeds that no longer appear in Frodo's front lawn.

There is a God.  The temperature today was 82, and the forsythias struggle against the blooming cherries.  The dogwoods will follow the redbuds, and then the azaleas take over, and Frodo's Gardens become a sea of white.  The weeds gather near Bombadil's front door.

Tra La.  

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:34 PM EDT

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Mood:  sad

He had coal black slicked back hair, and he was Frodo's hero.  His shirt sleeves were rolled up and a pack of Marlboros carried themselves against his finely tuned and muscular arm.  His slender build would have made him a natural contender in the welterweight division, and Frodo was sure that he could deck anybody who gave him grief.  He commanded respect on the stoop outside the main school building, where a generation of pre-adolescents learned to communicate and to honor the caste system.  Best of all, he was Frodo's cousin, and Frodo wanted to be just like him.

Frodo knew better than to do or say anything to Bish in front of other people.  Five years younger, with a roll of baby fat firmly in place, Frodo would not be permitted to pay homage while the King held court.  Bish would gaze upon Frodo until their eyes met and he was assured that his young cousin was grazing peacefully in the schoolyard, associating with those of his own kind.  Occasionally, Frodo would find that Bish moved nearby, and ran a greasy comb from the back pocket of his jeans through his pompadour while inquiring about the doings of the Hobbit.  He would not tarry to hear the response, and Frodo knew that the importance had been the question.

One day, with memory now dim, Frodo found himself amid a group of those who were a little bigger, and certainly stronger, who had some sort of disagreement that had something to do with the Hobbit.  No doubt the threat was real, for suddenly Frodo was aware of the leaping gladiator who sprang to his rescue and scattered Orcs in every direction with the mere pretense of his presence.

It was a time, and a place, where heroes visible, and present.  Frodo's cousin, Bish, was the coolest of all.

Many, many years had passed in absence when Frodo stood face-to-face, and told his cousin about his feelings in that schoolyard so long ago.  Much had happened in both lives, and Bish had suffered many setbacks, while the existence of the Hobbit seemed charmed beyond effort or just desserts.  Frodo and Sam, who had not before known of Bish, were charmed and grateful by the courtesy and the apparent concern for their aging elders.  It was admiration of which they spoke so many times, that Bish would take such an interest, nay, a responsibility for the sister of their respective mothers, who lived alone and faced the prospect of dementia in solitude.

Now Frodo has been confronted with an awful truth.  Evidence lies before him of financial manipulation.  The resources of the aging aunt,confused by the dimunition of neurons, are under the control of Bish, and many thousands have been used to provide for purposes far beyond the well-being of their aunt.  Frodo could not believe the obvious, so he decided to confront Bish without sharing the fact that he already had an awareness of what has taken place.

Bish lied to Frodo.

Frodo did not confront him, feeling that giving up too much information would only obfuscate the path before him.  Frodo hung up that telephone and began a process which will ensure that the heroes of his past are merely grains of sand that he cannot grasp, as they fall between his fingers, and return to the earth below.  Once again, he who is smallest, and weakest, must bear the burden that again ends in the destruction of the Ring, and of the memory that was his very first hero. 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:56 PM EDT

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Mood:  down

Sonny Perdue, the titular Governor of the State of Georgia (henceforth to be known as the "Goobernator'), and former veterinarian, stood on the dais with Newt (pron. "Ging Rick") the thrice-married former Speaker of the US House of Representatives in order to announce that he was appointing a "temporary" Attorney General.  Thurbert Baker, the current elected Attorney General, who just happens to be black, wasn't invited to the gathering.  The event, it seems was staged in order to announce the "outrage, I say outrage, boy" at the elected Attorney General refusing to follow suit with thirteen other Attorney Generals who decided to bring suit against the implementation of the HRC (Healthcare Reform for those readers who have been sleeping for the last two years).

The Goobernator, struggling with an enormous budgetary deficit, and facing the prospect of closing schools and firing teachers (except for football coaches), found sufficient funds to participate in a legal exercise with no credible support from any law school graduate outside that of the YMCA Law School in Nashville (look it up if you don't believe Frodo).

It is in moments such as these that Frodo remembers just how much the Goobernator physically resembles the character "Curly" of "Three Stooges" fame.  Imagine how well Newt fits into that scenario, too.  Moe, perhaps?

Consider, dear reader, the true significance of the following list.  Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Louisiana, Mississippi, North Carolina, South Carolina, Texas, Tennessee, and add on Kentucky and Missouri  which could, and probably were, immediately assumed by you to be the States that have come forward in defence of "States' Rights."  You would be partially correct.  The list actually represents each of the stars on the Cross of Saint Andrew that appeared on the flags of the Confederate States of America.

This inane posturing reflects back upon the end of the unpleasantness in 1865.  Frodo cannot help but remember that it was a gallant President from Illinois who stood tall in days prior and argued that it would be wrong to punish those who fought to destroy our union.  

Some, it seems, have let excess carbohydrate ingestion cloud their judgments, and one of them happens to be the Goobernator.   Anybody who gives rapt attention to Newt is a twit.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:19 PM EDT

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Mood:  mischievious

"I'm really looking forward to our luncheon tomorrow, Mr. Frodo," said the voice on the far end of the telephone.  "I'm sure I will recognize the famous Frodo Baggins without any difficulty, but I wanted to put you at ease and tell you that I will be the lady wearing a magenta blouse."

Magenta, eh?  Frodo supposed that Magenta was probably a brand name, like Pierre Cardin or Yves St. Laurent.  He asked Samwise over dinner that evening.

He learned, vehemently, that most not meeting the definition of moron could identify magenta as a color.  He asked if it in anyway resembled puce?

Frodo was reminded of the story he recently heard about the National Park Service Rangers who care for the area of the Everglades that houses the famous, night-blooming, aromatic, "ghost orchids."  A couple of the Rangers camped out one night on a hillock amid the vast wetland in order to observe the blooms at night, and to sniff the aroma, up close and personal.  When they gathered together, they asked each other to describe the aroma.  The best they could come up with was that the aroma was "clean."

When they recalled this description to friends, including one fiancee of a participant, they received mockery and derision, aimed at the male of the species, and his inability to identify true beauty.  So the fiancee accompanied the Rangers on a trip back to the same area several nights later.  The Rangers found several "ghost orchids" in the trees, and lifted the young lady up into the canopy so that she could provide expert testimony regarding the aromatic beauty.  When she finally returned to solid ground, the Rangers waited anxiously in order to hear her enlightened description of the aroma.  Her comment, to their chagrin (or amusement), was that the flower, indeed, smelled "clean." 

Now that Frodo is well into the sixth year of his ramblings herein, he has become the target of complaint from those among his trusted following.  It seems that there is and has been discomfort with the color and the structure of this which supports his words.  Frodo is a believer in both hope and change, and is therefore quite willing to meet the visual needs and the artistic desires of those attempting to assemble words from consonants.  "But, after more than five years?"

Oh well, says Frodo, perhaps had Magellan not taken note of the suggestions of his crew, he might well have hit Antarctica head-on.

Be sure however, he tells us, that the soon-to-appear changes will not involve any resemblance to the hue magenta, nor will anyone think that even a whiff of anything clean will be in evidence. 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:50 PM EDT

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Mood:  cheeky

"General MuckConnell, what do we do now?  We've tried the Senate Parliamentarian, and that didn't get to first base.  We filed lawsuits in 13 different states and even Chief Justice Rubber Butt couldn't come up with a precedent.  We've tried to prove that the Bill will provide Viagra to Child Molesters.  Nothing, it seems, will stop this juggernaut of Socialism.  What do we do now?"

"Well, Corporal Cannotnor, I think Lieutenant Boner has a pretty decent suggestion.  We'll get Governor Gentle and some of his computer genies to cut off their Google."

"Say what?"

"Google boy.  We cut off their ability to ask questions and get answers.  We need to learn from them Chinamen and just let out the information we want them to know." 

"You mean to the Democrats?"

"No boy.  I'm talkin' about our new found allies in the War Against Knowledge, the Sleaze Bag Party."

"You mean we cut off the internet to the Sleaze Bags and feed them what we want them to believe, then turn them loose."

"Now ya got it, ain't that right Boner?"

"Yessir General MuckConnell, we let them loose with Blech and Dimball leading the chants for the audio portion of the Friends at Faux News who will edit all the videotape."

"That's good Lieutenant Boner.  Do we need to concern ourselves with the 'Mainstream Media' or them Commies on MSNBC?"

"Nosir General MuckConnell, we'll just use some of them same guys we used in Mississippi when Steve Allen had that Jamaican Jigaboo Harry Belafonte on his TV Show back in the 50's."

"I remember that," said Cantnotnor, "didn't they toss chains over the wires and cut off the TV reception everywhere in the State.?"

"Sure did boy.  Sure was easier to cut off the news when it had wires attached, and there weren't none of this 'why-fie' and stuff like that."

"Lieutenant, have the buses from South Carolina, Texas, and Wasilla arrived yet?"

"Yessir General, and just like you suggested, the crowd is as diverse as we could possibly make it.  Tomorrow mornin' we'll have white people, some with shoes even, and some very well fed.  We will arrange for some to bathe in the Reflecting Pool, and we'll have some of them wax false teeth for those who might be interviewed by Dingleberry or Rudely."

"Well, that sounds fine.  I guess it's 'Onward Christian Soldiers'" from here?"  

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:01 PM EDT

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Mood:  blue

Frodo shuffled his feet, trying to establish some level of comfort, while seated in one of the desks designed for elementary school children.  Even the Hobbit was uncomfortable in something this small.  When finally called upon, he rose from the desk vowing to never again attempt a return to something some totally confining.  He cleared his throat as he addressed the panel of educators.

"Ladies and gentlemen, in the entire history of Cobb County, Georgia, the single most significant historical event to have occurred within these boundaries took place when our ancestors were engaged in that great struggle which threatened to rend our nation.  During those days, a group of Union soldiers and sympathizers slipped into this community incommunicado, and in what has since been dubbed 'The Great Train Robbery,' they stole a locomotive and headed due north with the hope of disrupting military transportation and destroying the railroad behind them."

Frodo had their attention, and he rose upon his tiptoes as he got to the crux of his speech.  "These men were led by a civilian, from Ohio, named James J. Andrews, which explains why historians refer to the action as the 'Andrews Raid.'  Those of you here today know that the Raiders  were eventually captured just short of the Tennessee State Line, and were brought before the Confederate Military.  Andrews and the other civilians in the band were executed as spies.  Several of the soldiers had been killed in the action itself, and the remainder were sent to military prisons.  Many people are unaware of the fact that several of the surviving soldiers were the very first recipients of what has since become America's greatest military honor, the Medal of Honor.  The heroic Andrews, of course, was a civilian and was therefore not included in this number."

With little dabs of moisture in his eyes, Frodo then said, "Let me express my gratitude to you for considering my suggestion to name the newly-created School of the Shire the 'James J. Andrews Memorial School.'  There is, at this time, no marker, no statue, no memorial to either Andrews or any of the heroes he lead in service to our country.  Wouldn't it be grand to invite the descendants of Mr. Andrews to our community for the dedication?  Wouldn't it be even grander to also invite Fess Parker, the immortal 'Davy Crockett', who played Andrews in the Disney movie about the raid?  Can't you imagine how fondly our community would be portrayed by this act?  A community in the heart of the rebel stronghold would stop to honor the first recipients of the Medal of Honor, and 'Davy Crockett' would be there, too."

Frodo received a nice round of applause.  Afterwards, several of the judges came up to him and congratulated him for his presentation and for the wisdom of his appeal.

The school was named for the farmer who sold the land to the county for the construction of the school.  A man who never completed the third grade.

Today, Fess Parker died.   Few people will ever understand why a coonskin cap now rests this eve upon the front gate of the School of the Shire.  

Frodo doesn't need it anymore.

Davy Crockett said, "Be sure you're right and then go ahead." 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:52 PM EDT

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Mood:  smelly

Henrietta Lacks died at age 31.  Cervical Cancer took the life of a young mother.  Her final days on our small blue planet were spent under the watchful eyes and treatment of those at Johns Hopkins.  The finest treatment in the world was made available to a black woman, with five children, whose grave is unmarked today.

Without her knowledge, and during her treatment, cells were removed and used to create new cells, outside her body.  This was the first instance in all of human history that cells were duplicated outside the human body.  Years of research had gone into the effort to duplicate human cells, but not until this moment had any results been forthcoming.  In her honor, these cells were dubbed "HELA" cells, and are today the cornerstone of many medical research products, including the vaccine subsequently developed by Dr. Jonas Salk.  The utilization of these cells has not only advanced human life, but it has produced a great deal of income for an awful lot of people.

The five children of Henrietta Lacks, and their off-spring, were totally unaware of any of this until a medical researcher recently contacted the family in order to document additional genetic studies.  It should go without saying that a sense of pride exists in that family.  It should also be noted that one of those children owes more than $100,000 in unpaid medical bills because he does not have the financial resources to afford healthcare insurance coverage. 

An anonymous source has donated sufficient funds for a marker to be placed on the Roanoke, Virginia, gravesite of Henrietta Lacks.

If we are fortunate enough to finally enact a measure of healthcare insurance reform in our great land, it will be as if another Mother's gift is made available to at least one of more than 30 million now uninsured.  Marking her grave is the least we can do.        

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:52 AM EST

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Mood:  energetic

During the 1984-85 college basketball season, Frodo and Sam were being held as Prsioners of War in Philadelphia.  The only socially redeeming aspect of that time was to be an observer of the rivalry between the teams at Villanova and at Georgetown University.  Georgetown, led by John Thompson and his super-star Patrick Ewing, were successful combatants in their two regular season games against their arch-rival group of mackeral snappers.  Rollie Massimino led a rag-tag group of inner-city kids all the way through the NCAA tournament, only to find themselves, once again, paired against the behemoths from Georgetown.  The predictions, virtually unanimous, were that Villanova would get its come-uppance in the National Championship game, the third meeting between the two teams in the same season, and all would bow to the powers of the Hoyas.

Frodo was not so sure.  Frodo, in fact, grew increasingly confident that the Villanova team, and their inspired coach, were saving their best for Georgetown.  Frodo, given the eventual outcome, was viewed as a borderline psychic by some, and a virtual basketball genius by others.  It was, however, the last successful prediction by Frodo in the outcome of the basketball pools now known almost universally as "March Madness."

Frank Mandel was a witness to the Frodo Magic.  Every year since, he calls Frodo the very night that selections are made for the tournament, and the two old friends go over their respective charts, convinced, at last, that they are on the precipice of a return to that magical night of yesteryear.  Last year, they both picked North Carolina.  Yawn, like that really didn't count, since it was a year-long walkaway for the tar-footed supermen.

This year, Frodo is rolling the dice.  There is no doubt that the Yellowjackets of Georgia Tech have the most talented athletes in the nation, but that fact is countered by the unbelievable inconsistency of America's youngest team.  They can play like nobody's business for 20 or so minutes, then, without any explanation, can throw the ball away, fail to score, and appear totally befuddled, with their pants on the ground.  Their coach, the Barack Obama lookalike Paul Hewitt seems absolutely impervious to the application of teamwork and sound judgment to those whom he attracted to the South's pre-eminent technical training institute.  Frodo has got to be out of his mind for this prediction.

Ah, but that is why it is fun.  If they lose, nobody will remember Frodo's madness.  If they do, indeed, win, then Frodo will never let you forget.

Hey, Frodo could also have picked Vermont.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:27 PM EST

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Mood:  not sure

"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction."--Isaac Newton (Sir, to the uninitiated).

The Laws of Newtonian Physics have a certain applicability to human behavior.  Taking the example above, Frodo knows that if he were to walk up to any member of any "Tea Party" organization and call that person an "anal opening on a mammalian" that he could reasonably anticipate some level of indignant response (albeit borderline intelligible).  Extrapolating the action to the theory, Frodo can say that certain behaviors are going to result in something which is either predictable or which should have been expected.

Let's consider, says Frodo, the apparently thoughtless announcement by the Government of Israel that they were planning to proceed with the construction of housing on the West Bank, while the Vice President of the United States was present in their country.  The United States had not been notified of the decision and, in fact, Biden was there to encourage further negotiations on this and other matters producing discord in the Middle East.  One might assume that this was a faux pas.

If one made such an assumption, then one is demonstrably naive.

Frodo asks one to consider that visit, not so long ago, when the young President made his first sojourn to the Middle East.  Not only did President Obama visit several Arab nations, but he also delivered a brilliant manifesto regarding the policy of the United States to work closely with all parties in the region in pursuit of peace.  The fact that he did not visit Israel, who legitimately feels itself to be America's closest ally in the region, was a tactical decision made, apparently, to add a level of credibility to the hand offered to suspicious Muslims, around the world.  It also pissed off the Israelis, big time.

It was a slap in the face to the Israelis that the President visit their geographical neighbors, and not even stop by and say "Howdy-Doo." 

So why would anybody be surprised that the proud, if not obstinate, Israelis didn't feel it necessary to remind the United States that one turn deserves another?  We may still be friends, even if we have a little tussle in the grass from time-to-time, but neither party should take the other for granted.  The Vice President was the vessel.

President Obama is the recipient of an equal, and opposite, reaction.  All of a sudden that great speech he made begins to drift off into the sands of time.  Frodo suggests that the President strongly consider what Sir Isaac had to say when struck by an apple falling from a tree.  He might also wear a helmet and count his fingers when next he shakes the hand of Mr. Netanyahu. 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:31 PM EST

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