Mood:  spacey

When Frodo was among the smallest of Hobbits, his father built him a go-kart.  It had a 5 HP engine, oversized tires, and the only thing that kept it from flying was an absence of wings.  That realization caused Frodo's father to surreptitiously add a "governor" which resulted in a severe drop in the necessary speed of 7 miles per second in order to achieve earth orbit  Frodo finally figured out what had taken place without his knowledge, and has been resentful of anything reminding him of the mechanical device which ended his fun (albeit probably allowing him to achieve his twelfth birthday).

The Governor of the State of Georgia is a politician who would sell his wife into slavery in order to get votes on election day.  The complete absence of competence in his Administration defiles the ideals of self-government.  What bothers Frodo is that this nincompoop is merely the tip of the iceberg.  Let's take a seccond to survey the landscape of those who wear the mantel of "Governor" in our great land.

Rick Perry talks about secession.  Although Frodo would support the disappearance of the plague that is Texas, he finds it hard to believe that those who have served our nation in battle would feel that their sacrifices had been justified when their home state suddenly announces that it is no longer part of the US of A.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has compiled a budget deficit so enormous that Californians actually look, longingly, back at Gray Davis (that was his name, wasn't it?).

Whoever happens to be Governor of New York, and pardon Frodo for being a tad confused, is in bed with somebody else's wife as we speak (anybody want to bet against that statement given Spitzer and Patterson?).

South Carolina.  Enough said.

Virginia, however, "the Mother of Presidents" and "Virginia is for Lovers" notwithstanding, has reached the apogee of gubernatorial stupidity in rocket record time.  After assaulting the employment rights of those who happen to be gay or homosexual and suffer as employees of the Old Dominion, Bob McDonnell of the wind-dried tonsorial perfection, has entered the land of those who were against it before they were for it.  After declaring that "Confederate History" required a level of support equivalent to "Black History," but that neither required reference to the other, the "Governor" also decided, or seemed to be deciding, that those released from prison should submit an "essay" before winning back the right to vote.

Somehow, that struck some as somewhat similar to a "literacy test."  When this oversight was noted by the press, McDonnell announced that the "policy" had not yet been implemented, and was still deep in the incubation process.  Then the letters started arriving at the last-known-addresses of the thousands of former felons.

Frodo has pre-drafted his own essay.  Let's just say that "where the Sun don't shine" is a descriptive phrase that merits specific inclusion. 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:33 PM EDT

Share This Post

Post Comment | View Comments (2) | Permalink

Mood:  caffeinated

Frodo has a pretty severe number of backlogs on his agenda.  Work, from work carries over into the amount of time available for something just a tad more creative, like words assembled and catalogued into phrases and clauses.  Work, from the simultaneous bloom of everything from dogwood to azalea, and back again, carries over into the starting time for the gallant Braves and their sojourn to the earthquake prone regions of the Pacific coastline.  Work, from the needs and wants of Bilbo, who turns 92 this Saturday, just two days after the anniversary of the death of Frodo's father, presents an emotional challenge which oft finds Frodo displeased with his own self.  Work, from apparently cavalier assignments assisting the able Samwise, keeps Frodo from his favorite analyses of the day's events, in print or via satellite.

But there is one piece of pretty neat news which has caught the eye of the Hobbits.  The BRISTOL HERALD-COURIER, printed in Bristol Virginia/Tennessee (pick one, since the damn town sits right on the line between the states), has been awarded a Pulitzer Prize.  That represents one-half of the Pulitzers won this year by the NEW YORK TIMES, and one-fourth of those garnered by the WASHINGTON POST.  This little newspaper has a staff of seven people.  One of those seven, a Mr. Daniel Gilbert, performed a computer analysis that tracked the scandalous flow of tens of millions of dollars in gas royalties away from the people who populate one of the poorest regions in Virginia (this is, after all, coal country).

Put that in your FACEBOOK and TWEETER.  Frodo, much to his chagrin, will have to go on-line to track the full story, when he would prefer to thumb through the pages and contemplate the presence of ink on his fingers.

That's where ink belongs, doesn't it friend Merry? (For those unaware, friend Merry shared in a similar award when employed by the JACKSON CLARION-LEDGER).

These tidbits of information were made available this evening by the presence of an "off-day" in the Major League Schedule.  Frodo returns his attention to San Diego on the morrow.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:03 PM EDT

Share This Post

Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink

Mood:  cheeky

"Next in line, please."

"Yes, I'd like to purchase a ticket, if you please."

"Welcome to the Louis Armstrong Airport in New Orleans and Red Neck Airlines.  I am your ticket agent Frodo Baggins, and I'll be glad to help you.  What is your destination?"

"Moscow."

"Idaho?"

"No, Russia."

"Will you be traveling alone?"

"No, the ticket is for my daughter."

"I see, and what are the desired departure and return dates?"

"Actually, it is just a one-way ticket, no return, and to leave on the first available flight."

"Okay, and will your daughter require any special services either here or in Moscow?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, is she a minor, and will anyone be meeting her in Moscow?"

"She is a minor, and she does have special needs?"

"Madam, are you suggesting that this is a special needs child, traveling alone from New Orleans to Moscow?  I'm afraid we can't assume that level of responsibility absent the presence of an adult?"

"Well. what about Torrey Hanson?"

"Who?"

"The mother who returned her adopted child to an orphanage in Russia."

"M'am, common sense would dictate that a special needs child requires constant parental care.  Just because some other airline allowed the transport of an unattended child does not infer that your request is even worthy of consideration."

"Well, I can arrange for her father to meet her at the airport in Moscow."

"I still don't think it is something we could do."

"Her father is Vladimir Putin."

"THE Vladimir Putin?"

"Yes, we met while I was looking at Russia from my house in Alaska."

"I say, you do look familiar."

"Well, let me ask, would you sell me a ticket for an adult traveling alone, who had special needs?"

"Yes M'am, I think we could arrange that with proper instructions and preparation."

"Great.  Book me a one-way ticket for one, on the earliest flight."

"Okay, and what is the traveler's name?"

"Todd."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:05 AM EDT

Share This Post

Post Comment | View Comments (2) | Permalink

Mood:  celebratory

The Major League Baseball Season opens (in Atlanta) on Monday; the College Basketball Season ends (everywhere) that evening.  Beside the fact that this convenient overlap means that Frodo can continue his string of never having watched a single reality TV show episode (which he fully intends to continue ad infinitum), the glorious weather nationwide (except in the State of Washington where it is presently snowing) signals a boundless hope for the future in the mind of the Hobbit. 

The Hobbit has been in a state of euphoria ever since he caught sight of a poster held aloft in front of a TV camera just before the beginning of last night's semi-final NCAA match-up between Duke and West Virginia.  It should be noted that a Duke player named Scheyer scored 23 points to lead perennial powerhouse Duke into the final game on Monday, against Butler University (see "Hoosiers" starring Gene Hackman).  The poster read:  "HOBBITS LOVE THEIR SCHEYER."

Indeed they do.

There is hope for all of those with a sense of humor, and heads large enough to hold their dreams.

Duke by 15.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:28 AM EDT

Share This Post

Post Comment | View Comments (2) | Permalink

Mood:  irritated

"Oyez, order in the Court, the Honorable Frodo Baggins presiding."

"May we have the first case please?"

"Yes, your Honor, the Court calls those involved in 'Flowers v. Department of Education'."

"Yes your Honor, I am Gloria Alldreadlocks representing Mr. Pussycat Flowers who is charging the Department of Education with failure to identify prurient behavior in purported educational materials which had an extreme negative impact on my client's development into adulthood, and resulted in the subsequent deviant behavior which threatens his livelihood to the tune of $15 Billion annually."

"Excuse me?"

"Your Honor?"

"Did I just hear you say something like the school books that your client used during his pre-adolescence contained pornographic materials which turned him into a sex addict?"

"Simply put, that is true your Honor."

"And what are the materials in question, if I may be so bold?"

"We are specifically addressing the reading materials now known as 'The Adventures of Dick and Jane'."

"Dick and Jane?  You mean the boy and the girl who had a dog named Spot, I believe?"

"The same, your Honor."

"Mr. Holder, are you prepared to defend the Department of Education?"

"As much as I can be, your Honor?"

"Proceed Ms. Alldreadlocks."

"Thank you, your Honor.  Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client, Mr. Pussycat Flowers is a celebrity who has been unduly harmed by the basically obscene materials used to first teach him to read.  His sexual tastes and appetite were shaped by the disgusting aspects of these schoolbooks. . ."

"Excuse me, Ms. Alldreadlocks."

"Yes, your Honor?"

"Could you, in the interests of time, clarify for me to what exactly do you refer?  Could you, for example, read a few lines of that which you speak?"

"Yes, your Honor.  What follows is exact language taken from various of the materials selected at random:"

"See Dick come."

"Watch Spot watch Dick and Jane come"

"Come Jane."

"Dick and Jane like to play with Spot."

"See Spot jump."

"Would you like me to continue, your Honor?"

"I think that will be enough for now, Ms. Alldreadlocks.  May I ask, did Mr. Flowers receive his elementary education in Texas?"

"Are you asking whether or not the Texas State Textbook Review Board had involvement in the selection of these materials, your Honor?"

"Ms. Alldreadlocks, I truly thought I had seen everything, so I'm just trying to determine if there are even greater instances of lunacy out there then that which you purport to represent."

"Your Honor, I object. . ."

"I'm sure you do.  Ms. Alldreadlocks, as I dismiss these proceedings let me suggest that you never again come (pardon the expression) before this Court with that hair-do.  Short of that mophead Leslie Stahl, you have the ugliest head of hair I have ever seen."

"Mr. Flowers, get a life, and a job!"

"Case dismissed."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:27 AM EDT

Share This Post

Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink

Mood:  smelly

Tom Bombadil is a very good neighbor, despite his attractive front lawn.  Several years ago, he noted that Frodo had invested heavily in something called zoysia (a form of grass that one can walk upon, but not smoke).  Thanks to the generosity of Frodo, the small plugs and pieces transplanted into Tom's yard have become the envy of the Shire.  Frodo, erroneously it seems, planted several trees and bushes amongst his new lawn, failing thereby to realize that these additions would grow and add shade to a lawn that thrives on full sun.  Tom, the freeloader, took note and made no additions to his lawn.

For several years, Frodo has silently resented Tom's beautiful lawn and found instances to add stray locusts and grasshoppers into the bounteous shade of aquamarine that shimmers all summer.  Despite the chicanery, the situation has worsened year-by-year as Frodo's lawn thins and Tom's makes every edition of "Gardens of the Shire."

Ah, but the end of a gruesome winter bodes well for the Hobbit.  While Tom locked himself in his igloo, Frodo prowled the aisles of Home Depot in search of a solution to his contining embarrassment.  With little free time on his hands, Frodo took advantage of the one day of the entire winter in which it neither rained, snowed, or allowed the wind to begale itself.  Spreading an overly generous amount of "Weed n' Feed," Frodo now sports a lawn which is greening up nicely, and which is weed-free (so far).  Tom, unfortunately (so says Frodo in public, anyway) seems to have borne the brunt of the weeds that no longer appear in Frodo's front lawn.

There is a God.  The temperature today was 82, and the forsythias struggle against the blooming cherries.  The dogwoods will follow the redbuds, and then the azaleas take over, and Frodo's Gardens become a sea of white.  The weeds gather near Bombadil's front door.

Tra La.  

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:34 PM EDT

Share This Post

Post Comment | View Comments (2) | Permalink

Mood:  sad

He had coal black slicked back hair, and he was Frodo's hero.  His shirt sleeves were rolled up and a pack of Marlboros carried themselves against his finely tuned and muscular arm.  His slender build would have made him a natural contender in the welterweight division, and Frodo was sure that he could deck anybody who gave him grief.  He commanded respect on the stoop outside the main school building, where a generation of pre-adolescents learned to communicate and to honor the caste system.  Best of all, he was Frodo's cousin, and Frodo wanted to be just like him.

Frodo knew better than to do or say anything to Bish in front of other people.  Five years younger, with a roll of baby fat firmly in place, Frodo would not be permitted to pay homage while the King held court.  Bish would gaze upon Frodo until their eyes met and he was assured that his young cousin was grazing peacefully in the schoolyard, associating with those of his own kind.  Occasionally, Frodo would find that Bish moved nearby, and ran a greasy comb from the back pocket of his jeans through his pompadour while inquiring about the doings of the Hobbit.  He would not tarry to hear the response, and Frodo knew that the importance had been the question.

One day, with memory now dim, Frodo found himself amid a group of those who were a little bigger, and certainly stronger, who had some sort of disagreement that had something to do with the Hobbit.  No doubt the threat was real, for suddenly Frodo was aware of the leaping gladiator who sprang to his rescue and scattered Orcs in every direction with the mere pretense of his presence.

It was a time, and a place, where heroes visible, and present.  Frodo's cousin, Bish, was the coolest of all.

Many, many years had passed in absence when Frodo stood face-to-face, and told his cousin about his feelings in that schoolyard so long ago.  Much had happened in both lives, and Bish had suffered many setbacks, while the existence of the Hobbit seemed charmed beyond effort or just desserts.  Frodo and Sam, who had not before known of Bish, were charmed and grateful by the courtesy and the apparent concern for their aging elders.  It was admiration of which they spoke so many times, that Bish would take such an interest, nay, a responsibility for the sister of their respective mothers, who lived alone and faced the prospect of dementia in solitude.

Now Frodo has been confronted with an awful truth.  Evidence lies before him of financial manipulation.  The resources of the aging aunt,confused by the dimunition of neurons, are under the control of Bish, and many thousands have been used to provide for purposes far beyond the well-being of their aunt.  Frodo could not believe the obvious, so he decided to confront Bish without sharing the fact that he already had an awareness of what has taken place.

Bish lied to Frodo.

Frodo did not confront him, feeling that giving up too much information would only obfuscate the path before him.  Frodo hung up that telephone and began a process which will ensure that the heroes of his past are merely grains of sand that he cannot grasp, as they fall between his fingers, and return to the earth below.  Once again, he who is smallest, and weakest, must bear the burden that again ends in the destruction of the Ring, and of the memory that was his very first hero. 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:56 PM EDT

Share This Post

Post Comment | View Comments (3) | Permalink

Mood:  down

Sonny Perdue, the titular Governor of the State of Georgia (henceforth to be known as the "Goobernator'), and former veterinarian, stood on the dais with Newt (pron. "Ging Rick") the thrice-married former Speaker of the US House of Representatives in order to announce that he was appointing a "temporary" Attorney General.  Thurbert Baker, the current elected Attorney General, who just happens to be black, wasn't invited to the gathering.  The event, it seems was staged in order to announce the "outrage, I say outrage, boy" at the elected Attorney General refusing to follow suit with thirteen other Attorney Generals who decided to bring suit against the implementation of the HRC (Healthcare Reform for those readers who have been sleeping for the last two years).

The Goobernator, struggling with an enormous budgetary deficit, and facing the prospect of closing schools and firing teachers (except for football coaches), found sufficient funds to participate in a legal exercise with no credible support from any law school graduate outside that of the YMCA Law School in Nashville (look it up if you don't believe Frodo).

It is in moments such as these that Frodo remembers just how much the Goobernator physically resembles the character "Curly" of "Three Stooges" fame.  Imagine how well Newt fits into that scenario, too.  Moe, perhaps?

Consider, dear reader, the true significance of the following list.  Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Louisiana, Mississippi, North Carolina, South Carolina, Texas, Tennessee, and add on Kentucky and Missouri  which could, and probably were, immediately assumed by you to be the States that have come forward in defence of "States' Rights."  You would be partially correct.  The list actually represents each of the stars on the Cross of Saint Andrew that appeared on the flags of the Confederate States of America.

This inane posturing reflects back upon the end of the unpleasantness in 1865.  Frodo cannot help but remember that it was a gallant President from Illinois who stood tall in days prior and argued that it would be wrong to punish those who fought to destroy our union.  

Some, it seems, have let excess carbohydrate ingestion cloud their judgments, and one of them happens to be the Goobernator.   Anybody who gives rapt attention to Newt is a twit.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:19 PM EDT

Share This Post

Post Comment | View Comments (2) | Permalink

Mood:  mischievious

"I'm really looking forward to our luncheon tomorrow, Mr. Frodo," said the voice on the far end of the telephone.  "I'm sure I will recognize the famous Frodo Baggins without any difficulty, but I wanted to put you at ease and tell you that I will be the lady wearing a magenta blouse."

Magenta, eh?  Frodo supposed that Magenta was probably a brand name, like Pierre Cardin or Yves St. Laurent.  He asked Samwise over dinner that evening.

He learned, vehemently, that most not meeting the definition of moron could identify magenta as a color.  He asked if it in anyway resembled puce?

Frodo was reminded of the story he recently heard about the National Park Service Rangers who care for the area of the Everglades that houses the famous, night-blooming, aromatic, "ghost orchids."  A couple of the Rangers camped out one night on a hillock amid the vast wetland in order to observe the blooms at night, and to sniff the aroma, up close and personal.  When they gathered together, they asked each other to describe the aroma.  The best they could come up with was that the aroma was "clean."

When they recalled this description to friends, including one fiancee of a participant, they received mockery and derision, aimed at the male of the species, and his inability to identify true beauty.  So the fiancee accompanied the Rangers on a trip back to the same area several nights later.  The Rangers found several "ghost orchids" in the trees, and lifted the young lady up into the canopy so that she could provide expert testimony regarding the aromatic beauty.  When she finally returned to solid ground, the Rangers waited anxiously in order to hear her enlightened description of the aroma.  Her comment, to their chagrin (or amusement), was that the flower, indeed, smelled "clean." 

Now that Frodo is well into the sixth year of his ramblings herein, he has become the target of complaint from those among his trusted following.  It seems that there is and has been discomfort with the color and the structure of this which supports his words.  Frodo is a believer in both hope and change, and is therefore quite willing to meet the visual needs and the artistic desires of those attempting to assemble words from consonants.  "But, after more than five years?"

Oh well, says Frodo, perhaps had Magellan not taken note of the suggestions of his crew, he might well have hit Antarctica head-on.

Be sure however, he tells us, that the soon-to-appear changes will not involve any resemblance to the hue magenta, nor will anyone think that even a whiff of anything clean will be in evidence. 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:50 PM EDT

Share This Post

Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink

Mood:  cheeky

"General MuckConnell, what do we do now?  We've tried the Senate Parliamentarian, and that didn't get to first base.  We filed lawsuits in 13 different states and even Chief Justice Rubber Butt couldn't come up with a precedent.  We've tried to prove that the Bill will provide Viagra to Child Molesters.  Nothing, it seems, will stop this juggernaut of Socialism.  What do we do now?"

"Well, Corporal Cannotnor, I think Lieutenant Boner has a pretty decent suggestion.  We'll get Governor Gentle and some of his computer genies to cut off their Google."

"Say what?"

"Google boy.  We cut off their ability to ask questions and get answers.  We need to learn from them Chinamen and just let out the information we want them to know." 

"You mean to the Democrats?"

"No boy.  I'm talkin' about our new found allies in the War Against Knowledge, the Sleaze Bag Party."

"You mean we cut off the internet to the Sleaze Bags and feed them what we want them to believe, then turn them loose."

"Now ya got it, ain't that right Boner?"

"Yessir General MuckConnell, we let them loose with Blech and Dimball leading the chants for the audio portion of the Friends at Faux News who will edit all the videotape."

"That's good Lieutenant Boner.  Do we need to concern ourselves with the 'Mainstream Media' or them Commies on MSNBC?"

"Nosir General MuckConnell, we'll just use some of them same guys we used in Mississippi when Steve Allen had that Jamaican Jigaboo Harry Belafonte on his TV Show back in the 50's."

"I remember that," said Cantnotnor, "didn't they toss chains over the wires and cut off the TV reception everywhere in the State.?"

"Sure did boy.  Sure was easier to cut off the news when it had wires attached, and there weren't none of this 'why-fie' and stuff like that."

"Lieutenant, have the buses from South Carolina, Texas, and Wasilla arrived yet?"

"Yessir General, and just like you suggested, the crowd is as diverse as we could possibly make it.  Tomorrow mornin' we'll have white people, some with shoes even, and some very well fed.  We will arrange for some to bathe in the Reflecting Pool, and we'll have some of them wax false teeth for those who might be interviewed by Dingleberry or Rudely."

"Well, that sounds fine.  I guess it's 'Onward Christian Soldiers'" from here?"  

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:01 PM EDT

Share This Post

Post Comment | View Comments (3) | Permalink