Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

You Didn't Have To Be So Nice
Mood:

cool
Topic: "Snowiches" (6)

"Mr. Frodo, do you know why you'll never starve to death in the desert?," asked the sub-teen known to Frodo as "Beckham." Frodo pondered for a few seconds and surrendered to the future star of Manchester United or the Tottenham Hotspurs. "Because you can always eat the sandwiches there (sand which is there)."

Frodo thought of this "shellacking" by his neighbor in the Shire as he examined the structure of the frozen precipitation now declared as part of the "Weather of Northern Aggression" which has a stranglehold on all things good and southern. There is, at bottom, a frozen concoction which resembles a slice of ice cream cake. In the middle there is the fluffy whipped cream-like feature, topped by a thin layer of semi-solid ice. Examined in hand, it does appear more than edible. Frodo took a slice to his young friend, and asked him if he had ever eaten a 'Snowich"? Sensing treachery, he ran from Frodo with due haste and the snowball-like projectile fell harmlessly to his rear.

The Shire is at an absolute standstill, and not since the historic winter of '93 (which allows Frodo's reference thereto make him feel as if he were Gabby Hayes or some other super senior), has non-expressway transportation become an absent envy to Hobbits and Elves alike. Only the Riders of Rohan are able to adjust.

Frodo has learned a great deal about Cedar Waxwings in the past several days. Masked and traveling together in great swarms, they descend on berry-producing fauna of all kinds, and totally denude the plant of berries in a frenzy that would put the white shark to shame. Hollies, mahonia, photinia, and previously unidentified vines all lose their fat-rich produce to these colorful and excitable winter visitors to the Shire. Worrying about the resultant absence of food, Frodo has donated almost half a loaf of cornbread to the land beneath the bird feeders, in hopes that the visitors will find a healthy reason to stay a bit longer.

What does result however, is a truce. Squirrels and countless other avian visitors stand side-by-shoulder as they feast on the cornbread and the seeds which fall from the feeders. Frodo cannot turn the pages in his bird book fast enough to identify even a significant minority of the variety available. The exceptions being Fiona, and Mick, the Wonder Dog, who have taken note of the locations where cornbread crumbs can be consumed with impunity. Unwatched, they force their way into the throng, and begin to absorb great amounts of cornbread with a snort, and a smile. The snowiches form on their noses, and they retreat only when decibels are increased by the Hobbit.

The temperatures are brutal, and the darkness of the mini-forest about the Shire is a reminder of the threat to creatures of all shapes and sizes. It is serious business, and a moment taken to enjoy a few snowiches makes faraway places and hideous crimes seem remote.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 4:16 PM EST

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Sunday, January 9, 2011

A Little Bit of Soap Will Wash Away My Tears
Mood:

sad
Topic: "Degree of Separation"(6)

In that magical season of 1980, the Philadelphia Phillies (then Frodo's favorite team), ended the frustrations of multiple generations by finally winning a World Series. Frodo danced and sang when Pete Rose caught the pop-foul that fell out of Bob Boone's glove into his own. His heart raced with the long strides of Garry Maddox in center-field, who patrolled all of the earth not covered in water. He dried his palms on his official Phillies t-shirt while Steve Carlton dueled with mere mortals at the plate, and Mike Schmidt drew blood from the sweat of pitchers stupid enough to pitch to the best hitter of the time. Not forgotten was the wisdom and the brilliance of Dallas Green, manager of the miracle, on this, his finest of days.

It seems quixotic to now refer to the very worst of days, that which is yet known as "9/11," as Frodo apparently switches topics, and notes the birth on that day of a little girl amidst the suffering and the loss which mark our lives. Tragedy apparently, like triumph, is sometimes registered in someone's idea of heaven by the convergence of joy and sadness. How awful, thinks Frodo, when he hears a distraught father note that it was his daughter, born that terrible day, who passed from our world in a hail of gunfire in a shopping center in Tucson, Arizona just a few short hours ago.

The circle, yet unbroken, is completed when Frodo discovers that the little girl was the grand-daughter of Dallas Green.

Somehow, winning a couple of baseball games will never seen quite so important to either Dallas Green, or to Frodo.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:44 AM EST

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Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Don't You Feel Like Cryin'
Mood:

not sure
Topic: "ESP" (6)

Make no mistake about it, Frodo thought Ronald Reagan was a senile snake. He admits however, to being rather amazed as he watched an old friend actually weep for joy as Ronald Raygun took the oath of office. EDITORIAL NOTE: Frodo's theme this eve stems from the weeping willow from Ohio who was today sworn in as the newest Speaker of the House. Frodo learned on that day to sometimes soften his words when transitions occur. It is better to let a useless politician hang himself than for Frodo to waste his resources supplying the fool with a rope. Truer it is that there are some whose disagreements with Frodo are sincere, and to them Frodo owes a few moments of silent observation.

So far, Frodo has seen nothing which in any impacts his preconceived notion that we have another group of naive miscreants drinking the booze poured by oil company lobbyists. To that end, Frodo will retain his silence until somebody steps into a big old pile of dog-doo.

Frodo will wager on Darryl Issa, representing the home turf of the unlamented Richard Outhouse Nixon. Perhaps Representative Issa has already done so, and Frodo just ain't heard the news.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:01 PM EST

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Tuesday, December 28, 2010

One Less Egg To Fry
Mood:

cheeky
Topic: "Xmas in Shreveport"(6)

Last evening, the Ramblin' Wreck of Georgia Tech confronted the Academy d' Air Force in the Independence Bowl. Frodo was struck, first of all, by the fact that he hadn't seen so many white guys on a football team since Ronald Reagan played George Gipp. Having visited Shreveport, Louisiana, on several occasions, Frodo was quite concerned about how all the players from Atlanta's Technical School would be greeted by the local residents, who seem to believe that Ronald Reagan is still alive.

Frodo learned last week that four of the student-athletes from Georgia Tech were dropped from the roster due to failing grades in class. As if that were not ominous enough, three more players were held out of play during the first half for a curfew violation two days before the game.

A curfew violation! In Shreveport? What time, asked Frodo, was curfew, 7:30PM? For there is, by Frodo's reckoning, nothing to do, especially if you happen to be black, like the Georgia Tech players, in Shreveport. By all that is truly fair, the players should have gotten recognition for their creativity.

Just before the game was to start, the "special operations" guys from the Air Force Academy paraded to mid-field in order to demonstrate the winged effectiveness of the school mascot, an honest-to-goodness falcon. One of the Special Ops guys removed the hood from the head of the falcon, and released the leather thong from around his foot and launched him into his air-borne routine. Frodo happened to be paying attention, and noted that, rather than return to his handler, the bird flew part way around the football stadium and disappeared over the far wall. The handlers did everything, by the book, in trying to get their escapee to return, but he was no longer visible to man or camera. That sucker was long gone.

What, Frodo asks, would you do if somebody dragged you to Shreveport in December and told you it was your reward for being a good boy? According to press reports, the falcon struck up an acquaintance with a number of pigeons in downtown Shreveport. Given the time of year, he obviously had something on his mind other than lunch.

Frodo intends to follow susequent events in Shreveport over the next couple of months. Come Spring, there are liable to be some mighty fast pigeons diving from high altitudes in search of another set of turkeys from Atlanta.

Air Force Academy 14, Georgia Tech 7.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 5:43 PM EST

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Sunday, December 26, 2010

Beware The Devil Woman, She's Gonna Get You
Mood:

on fire
Topic: "Big Words,LittleMind"(6)

What follows is an actual entry in the Opinion Section (once known as "Letters to the Editor") of the ATLANTA JOURNAL-CONSTITUTION of December 26, 2010. Frodo's response follows thereafter.

"At last, a column by Cynthia Tucker that is not filled with her spewing hatred of the GOP; ranting about racism, and/or protecting illegal immigrants. . .As a rule (in her liberal opinion), the Republican Party, tea party, and conservatives can do nothing right, and for many of us, her diatribes get really old. Why does she use such big words that most of us need to look up in Webster's to even know what they mean? Cynthia, who are you trying to impress? I for one would much rather you write columns the caliber of this piece--without the show-off words, and your usual vitriol (one of your words, not mine)."--Sheryl Danner, Norcross

Yeah Cynthia, somebody might get the idea that Georgians aren't willing to accept second-best after all, if you keep using big words that Sheryl (from Gwinnett County, no less) can't understand. After all, a national statewide educational ranking that has not risen above 49th in over a decade (including the District of Columbia) should require that you "dumb down" to the level of your readers. Frodo would like to personally suggest a few alternatives to help you properly address readers like Sheryl. Frodo is sure that some of his friends will be glad to help.

How about cretin? Well, that does assume mental illness, so probably not totally appropriate. Moron? That does assume a potential mental age between eight and twelve, and the possibility of routine work under adult supervision, so it is better, but still not perfect. How about dimwit? Webster would define that as one who is mentally slow or stupid, so that's pretty close, don't you think? It might also impress Sheryl, since you are definitely trying to impress somebody, that you turned to Webster, in order to look up big words. As he thinks about it, Frodo has come up with an even better suggestion for classifying Sheryl; why don't we just address her as a Neanderthal?

Sheryl, try page 564 of the Seventh New Collegiate, column two.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 7:53 PM EST

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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

There's More To Come And Carry Us Away
Mood:

special
Topic: "Good Day America" (6)

Today the exhibition season ended. Spring training is entirely behind us, because, and maybe for the first time in more years than any of us care to admit, we have a President of the United States.

Maybe it takes two years for any man (or woman) to absorb and adjust to the responsibility of the job. Obviously, there are some who may be just as lost eight years later as the day they first mispronounced "nuclear." The meld between vision and action is not the result of a Klingon physical ceremony, rather it comes, over time, most often quite painfully. Thus we have seen the maturation of Barack Obama, the President of the United States.

Funny it is, thinks Frodo, that tonight the conversational references to John McCain, Sarah Palin, Mitch McConnell, or others of that ilk do nothing more than further trivialize their importance. We have a Presient who can act with dignity and honor to his commitments, and to his demonstrated desire to bring our people together.

Most of all, fellow Americans, no one doubts that we have got a President.

Let the games begin.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:06 PM EST

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Monday, December 20, 2010

If You Go It Would Kill Me
Mood:

suave
Topic: "Letter Home" (6)

My Dearest Scarlett;

My, my, how time does fly. It seems like only yesterday when all those would-be suitors gathered at Twelve Oaks, never to know that Ashley Wilkes, a gift you could not have, was your desire. Many of those would fall amongst the 620,000 lost in the insanity which began 150 years ago this very evening. Oh my dear, how you lost yourself in the swirling romance of men in uniform, and talk of glory, glory, glory.

I grieve still over the loss of our dear Bonnie, and your noble father, John O'Hara. If the number of those lost was told in modern terms, more than 6 million souls were surrendered to the folly of arms against the Union. The fact that it began in my native Charleston is too much for even me to consider, knowing the foolishness of men who fought for a way of lfe that had already gone windward.

Perhaps, in times to come, men will no longer strive to enslave some in order to obtain greater wealth, but I have my doubts. For as surely as there are young men whose eyes are blinded by the rush of arms, young women will stand and cheer as they go marching off to war. Except for you Scarlett, for we both know that it is your precious Ashley for whom you wait, while the blessed Melanie suffers an undeserved fate. Aye, poetry it is, the treachery of those who mourn by day, while the bier passes their way, for it is in their guile that time doth pass, until we are no more among things that last.

My ship waits in the harbor, so I must go, if not to win a war, at least to prolong it. Such is the role I play, and you, my dear, are the only winner amongst us all.

Yours,

Captain Butler, CSA

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:43 PM EST

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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Their Finest Gifts They Bring
Mood:

special
Topic: "Frodo's Xmas Story"(6)

Frodo remembers, once in a while, something from his past which has rooted itself into what he now knows as his persona. He remembers hearing a "Bible story" about a bunch of church officials meeting Jesus outside the Temple, near where the "offering box" was located. Together they watched as the supplicants offered their gifts as they entered. Most of them, as the story went, were well-dressed and obviously pretty well-off, since their gifts were very generous. That is with the exception of one lady, who had no fine garments, and whose offering consisted of but a few coins which were apparently all that she had.

Jesus turned to the church officials and told them to take note of the fact that the lady had given more than any of the others who entered therein. He told them that she had given all that she had, and that such a sacrifice was far greater than the large amounts tendered by those with more to give.

This coming Saturday, Frodo and the Men of Gondor will gather again before the Mammon of modern retail, with their small red kettle and the bells of the Salvation Army. The volunteers will receive a new and very special gift this year which is a direct segue from the story-line above.

Proximity allowed Frodo and Sam some years ago to drive near Mordor in order to visit with and to meet the one now known as Merry, the proud. The visit between internet correspondents fulfilled all the good wishes of new friends. Learned was much about the parties thereto, and the things that were important, one-to-another. Merry seemed most interested in the good acts of the Men of Gondor, and particularly in the ringing of the bells aside the small red kettle. Frodo doubts not that among the years that followed, Merry would drop coins into a red kettle and tell the volunteer that the submission was "for Frodo," thereby startling and confusing good-hearted people who knew not of what she spoke.

This year, Frodo has received a check for $50 from his fellow warrior in the Fellowship. The request being that Frodo deposit it in the little red kettle for her so that she could share in the joy of the gift with her friend.

Social Security Disability payments offer barely enough to meet the challenges of daily need. The fact that anyone, solely dependent on such, can scrimp and save enough, over an entire year, in order to accumulate enough for such a gift is as amazing as it is awesome.

Frodo has turned to the Men of Gondor with this story, and reiterated the parable of she who has given beyond all others. Together, as volunteers working on behalf of the Salvation Army, we offer the heartfelt "Thank You" and "Merry Christmas" to she known as Merry, of the Fellowship.

Dale Hajost Roger Green George Gfroerer G. Craig Baker

Rod Pope Abe Wong Phil Brooks Eric Lawrence

Joe Kyle George Hornbein

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:44 PM EST

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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Tide Is High But I'm Holding On
Mood:

vegas lucky
Topic: "A Capitol Idea" (6)

Two forces are converging in the skies above our homeland at the very same time, thinks Frodo. Government is responding to the will of those who bothered to vote during the off-year elections, and Business is developing new ways to increase profits. Frodo has been smitten by one example from the private sector, and is today prepared to submit his own plan for the economic recovery of Middle Earth. Let us begin with what is happening, right now.

The Just Born Candy Company of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, whose products include Peanut Chews, Peeps, Mike and Ike's, Teenie Beanie, and Hot Tamales, devised a plan to incentivize, both positively and negatively, their sales staff. Management told the two dozen sales people that, if they met their cumulative sales goals for the fiscal year just ended, they would each receive a vacation in Hawaii. On the other hand, they said, much to the bemusement of the sales staff, should the cumulative sales goals not be met, the sales staff would receive a vacation in the tundra of the Arctic.

Ha, ha, ho, ho, they thought.

The sales staff exceeded prior year accomplishments by 2%, unfortunately the goal was to exceed the prior year by 4%.

Goodbye Maui, Hello Fargo.

The 19-story Radisson Inn, the tallest building in Fargo, is tonight the vacation home of the the 24-person sales staff of the Just Born Candy Company of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Last evening, they attended the All-U-Can Eat Spaghetti Dinner held every Monday Night, at the VFW. Today, they attempted to tour two local wineries, but their progress was hindered by the 2 and one-half feet of snow on the ground. The temperature on Maui is currently 78 degrees.

Management announced to the sales staff this evening that next year's choices would be Maui, if they met the new goals, or, in the other event, in Rapid City, South Dakota.

Who says management isn't responsive to the needs of working people?

Frodo began this treatise talking about two forces at work, so he offers the potential, dear reader, to something similar to the newly-elected House of Representatives of the United States. Should you guys and gals succeed at reducing the deficit, bringing an end to the War in Afghanistan, and returning our nation to full employment, then each of you will get to go to Hawaii in order to search for the birth certificate of President Obama. On the other hand however, should you fail to reduce the deficit by even just a smidgen, or to reduce troop levels in our latest unnecessary foreign entanglement, or to put everybody that wants a job in a job, then you guys and gals, every last damn one of ya, gets two weeks in Wasilla (second prize is a full month), next December.

You had better start hoping this global-warming stuff is for real.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:43 PM EST

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Sunday, December 12, 2010

Tomorrow There'll Be Snow In Minnesota
Mood:

cheeky
Topic: "Anchorman" (6)

Frodo has taken great liberties in his descriptions of various and assundry residents of American States like Georgia, South Carolina, Alabama, West Virginia, and of course the Mexican State of Texas. That fact does not over emphasize the comparative nincompoopery of said locations, but Frodo readily admits that it is easy to overlook comparative stupidity in other locations when these make it so easy. Let us tonight include Minnesota.

Minnesota, the land of lakes by the thousdands, or some such, was the home of Hubert Humphrey, the "Happy Warrior" who had the unfortunate fate of being the President in charge of Vice under Lyndon Johnson. Humphrey, as some may recall and others will eventually learn, ran for President when Johnson decided that his old ticker wasn't up to it for another term. Humphrey found himself as an opponent of the Vietnam War who was part of an Administration charged with carrying out the War to some sort of conclusion (see "Afghanistan," in Wikipedia). Unable to establish himself on firm footing in anyone's mind, he lost the election to Richard Nixon (see "Tricky Dick," in Wikipedia). To that point, Humphrey was the only person Frodo had ever met who had actually been to Minnesota, much less lived there.

Of course, Frodo got to be quite intimate with Mary Richards, Rhoda, Suellen, Lou (see "Mr. Grant," in Wikipedia), Ted, and Frodo's favorite, Carlton the Doorman, nearly every Saturday evening for any number of years. Minnesota didn't look so bad if you had a girlfriend, with great legs, tossing her beret into the air every time you tuned her in, or turned yourself on.

Since those days, Frodo has been familiarized with two other Minnesotans. One, named Tim Pawlenty, looks like an accountant, or what Frodo has always imagined an accountant should look like. The other, named Michelle Bachmann, sounds like the driver of one of those little Volkswagens that used to appear in the rings of Barnum & Bailey with 10 other passengers wearing floppy shoes and red noses. Everyone else Frodo might associate with Minnesota is actually from someplace else (see "Brett Favre" in Wikipedia, but those under 18 should not be allowed to view the video portions thereof).

Everything that Frodo knows about Minnesota reflects incompetence. They had this great big bridge on the only big road that seemed to carry any volume of motorcars to collapse a few years back. A lot of cars actually fell into the water, which destroyed the myth that Minnesota has but two seasons, Winter and the Fourth of July. Frodo never understood why Governor Pawlenty never just sort of walked under the bridge and took a look around some time when he didn't have a lot of governing to do (see "most of the time" in Wikipedia) That event has now been followed by the collapse of this here tarpaulin that they had stretched across the roof of their football stadium. It seems that they had a whole mess of electric fans pointed skyward which were keeping the tarpaulin aloft from the field of play thereunder. Frodo would've thought that a smart Congressperson would've asked the question about what might have happened to the roof (see "tarpaulin," in Wikipedia) if the power ever went out.

Even in West Virginia, somebody would've figured that one out. Not so, in Minnesota (see "dumb shits," in Wikipedia).

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:28 PM EST

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