Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Where Were You When I Needed Ya, Where Were You When I Wanted Ya?
Mood:

spacey
Topic: "Master of None" (8)

Frodo wonders if writers ever have too much material? Surely, in Middle Earth, there is presently no shortage of irrational political comments or senseless actions geared to unachievable goals. Has this always been the case, or are we simply victims of the 24/7 news cycle? It has gotten so bad that Frodo will not settle on a specific television channel unless the crawler "Breaking News" is prominently displayed.

Perhaps this explains why the Hobbit is maximizing his efforts afield. Ladies in the Shire are always giving Frodo flowers to plant amid that which is already crowded all about. There generally follows a discussion about him becoming a "Master Gardener," and learning how to further expand his personal link with tropical growth. Frodo has learned that there are many ladies, but few masculine types about to pull weeds and to show off their abs.

Frodo has also read about a program developed by the Audubon Society in which one learns to become a "Master Birder." Sightings and songs are the measurements for success around short jaunts to parks and fields in the nearby trails encircling the Shire. Frodo may enjoy this even more, given the fact that becoming a "birdwatcher" was not a necessary component of Frodo's adult life goals. This, certainly, requires something more than a glossy brochure and a saliva-filled sales pitch.

Perhaps in jest, a sportsperson has also recommended that Frodo expand his bass-catching expertise to include cold-water trout in the nearby mountains of North Georgia. Purchasing fly rods and flies to go with specialized tackle could be more expensive than the Hobbit is willing to consider. He snickered when informed that such skill wins one the title of "Master Baiter." Probable it is that, not unlike the play on words therein, the Hobbit does not need any assistance in furthering his proficiency.

All of this relates, of course, to an organized plan in active retirement. For now, the unseasonably warm days, and the continuing presence of the aged Mick, the Wonder Dog, keep Frodo busy. These, he knows, last not forever. A major literary assault is eveningtide underway as Frodo pursues his effort to read at least one book by everybody, just so that no one be disappointed. Fareed Zakaria is the current target, Dorothy Parker to follow. Noted on his Kindle is the World War II centered addition, scheduled for release in September, to the latest trilogy of Ken Follet (this may mean that Diana Gabaldon remains on the inactive list even longer).

Busy, busy, busy.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:07 PM EDT

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Thursday, April 5, 2012

I Wanna Sing You a Love Song
Mood:

vegas lucky
Topic: "The Boys of '63" (8)

Frodo has been asked to read a manuscript. It is much, much more than Frodo expected. Since much of the text involves real people and real places known to him, it is difficult for Frodo to retain a truly objective opinion. Simply because the odds are great that what has been written will never reach the public marketplace, and because there is so much value in the banter of young men as innocence stands naked in their headlights, Frodo offers a setting, and some dialogue.

It is the spring of 1963. A bus transits small towns in Appalachia with a cargo of young men, who play baseball. What follows herein is copyrighted material whose use is assumed solely for the purpose of non-commercial reference.

"He was staring out the window as if searching for something unseen, or contemplating something far away from baseball and our bus. Half turning in his seat, Bob responded with his own query, 'what do you think is out there?'"

"You know, out there, beyond everything, where we all go when we punch out, when the big game is over?"

"Professor Neal was talking about the Great Depression last week and about how desperate things were. He talked about how a lot of rich people thought the government should just let nature take its course, and let the country recover on its own steam. And these people hated Roosevelt, they didn't just disagree with him or dislike him, they hated him for what he was doing with government programs and the New Deal creating make work jobs and programs to help poor people actually survive with some dignity and try to get back on their feet."

"What Roosevelt said when he ran for re-election in 1936 really hit home and I memorized the words after hearing them just that one time in the Professor's lecture. It goes like this 'The immortal Dante tells us that the sins of the cold blooded are measured in different scales. Better the occasional faults of a government that lives in a spirit of charity than the persistent omissions of a government frozen in the ice of its own indiffrence.'"

"I guess where I come down is believing that whatever the best thing is that's out there will be the place for the warm hearted."

For long minutes neither of us said anything as we both looked out the window at the greening Tennessee landscape, slipping serenely by as the Fuller bus hummed along, amid the murmuring of light banter in the conversations around us.

That night, in the dormitory, we lit farts.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:06 AM EDT

Updated: Thursday, April 5, 2012 10:10 AM EDT

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Saturday, March 31, 2012

What Will I Be, When I Grow Up To Be a Man
Mood:

accident prone
Topic: "Well, Poop"(8)

"Mr. Frodo."

"Who dat?"

"This is God."

"Yo, Big Guy, Wassup?

"Where were you last night?"

"Whatchu mean? Where was I? I lined up my Financial Planner, you know him, Mark, the Pharisee? Then I started arranging for wire transfers of more than $650M to banks all around the world. Based on what you'd said, I then. . ."

"Whoa, big fella."

"Don't shush me Dude. I was making big plans because you implied that I was about to take on some new business in your behalf."

"Then how come you didn't go to Baltimore like I told you?'

"Baltimore? I thought you said 'Bald No More.' Weren't you telling me to put bear grease on my skull and then. . ."

"No. I was telling you to use the primary machine at the convenience store in Baltimore County."

"Hmph. I guess, what we have here is, 'Failure to communicate.'"

"Well, any way, now we have to figure out how. . ."

"Figure. Schmigure. You think I didn't hear about the Dude in Kansas who got struck by lightning after buying a couple of lottery tickets that had several winning numbers? I'm not sure I wanna mess with you at all."

"That was Randolph Terry, the Anti-Choice Fruitcake."

"No kiddin'?"

"It was just my way of letting everyone know that Deism was a bad idea even for Thomas Jefferson."

"So, did you set Tom up with Sally Hemmings?"

"It would be inconsistent for me to first say I was involved in affairs on the small, blue planet, then to deny the possibility."

"Okay, that's fair. What about Halle Berry? You know her?"

"Mr. Frodo, can we get back to the lottery, and how to help you move $600M into the hands of the poor and the underprivileged?"

"Oh yeah. Good point. But can we talk about Halle Berry a little later?"

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:03 PM EDT

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Friday, March 30, 2012

I Wonder If You Think About It, Once Upon a Time, In Your Wildest Dreams
Mood:

happy
Topic: "176,000,000 to 1"(8)

Okay, here's the deal. If, dear reader, you post to Frodo, Keeper of the Ring, by Midnight this eve, AND if Frodo or Sam should win the MEGA MILLIONS drawing, then you share in the prize money. Now keep in mind that the approximately $600M only goes so far, but no matter how one dices it, we will all become members of the top 1%. In addition, what Frodo will also do is to walk right up to Willard Mitt, with his $600M check in hand, and say "WM, I understand that because of your Father's legacy that your investments paid you a paltry $42M this past year? You know what Frodo has to say about that? Well, WM, Frodo says 'Is that all?'"

Frodo would be very pleased to pay his taxes at a rate higher than that of the poverty-stricken Willard Mitt.

Frodo and Sam have been thinking good thoughts for the ASPCA, the people who fight ALS, the homeless, and everyone else who believes that Willard Mitt is truly a dork, or whoever needs a helping hand. Yes, President Obama will also be well-advised to take Frodo's call, even at 3 A.M.

So, before the Evening News cuts on, say a lfew kind words for the Hobbits, and know that you are in the mix with the Hobbits of the Shire.

Last one in the pool is a rotten egg.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 4:32 PM EDT

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Tuesday, March 27, 2012

On a Day Like Today
Mood:

don't ask
Topic: "Train Wreck"(8)

Frodo is learning patience, but he is not evolving into a nincompoop. Two prior disappointments, known as "Bush v. Gore" and "Citizens United," established a precedent for whatever it will be that our current trauma is labelled in our national history. Despite the addition of a few new members to the SCOTUS, familiar names continue to pluck pubic hairs from the soft drink cans of society. Frodo is quietly pessimistic.

Jeffrey Toobin, an attorney with the countenance of a leprechaun, utilized the title above in a Tweet/Twitter (whatever) from the inner sanctum of the Supreme Court this very day. His comment was that the attorney representing the "good guys" was getting reamed by the "Hole in the Wall" gang (dressed in black, no less). Frodo looked for Greta of the artifically structured nasal passages for clarity. It was Greta, after all, who impressed Frodo because she first caught the significance of the wording on that terrible night when the Incomparable Moron was issued the national checkbook. Fortunately, he was unable to devote sufficient resources of time to the effort. Frodo sees no reason to believe that the eventual outcome will be anything other than bad news for "truth, justice, and the American Way."

Frodo recalls the one occasion when he visited the Land of the Lost. Knowing that he had no school the next day because of the impending field trip, Frodo and Andy Cleland stayed up late shooting baskets and drinking soft drinks (out of a bottle). Upon their arrival to the Supreme Court a'morrow, they were both barely awake as they descended upon the wooden pews that offered neither comfort nor cups of coffee. They noted the presence of the young men in suits all along the walls of the chamber, but paid them no mind.

Frodo felt the hand clasped on his shoulder, shaking him firmly in order to waken him. As he snorkled back to semi-consciousness, he noted that each of the "suits" was dispatching self amongst his classmates waking up those unable to tolerate the boring, boring, BORING discussion that had something to do with recordings of conversations over the telephone.

Frodo probably decided at that very moment that there would not be enough wealth or prestige in all the world to be gained by another five minutes in that chamber beneath the Colosseum. Much less, he avers, by spending any more time on the rantings of seekers of justice who waste what little pleasures they get out of life because they became barristers.

Frodo still wipes off every coke can before he pops the top. Clarence Thomas would never understand.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:43 PM EDT

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Sunday, March 25, 2012

I Know You're Out There Somewhere
Mood:

irritated
Topic: "PPSI?"

A measurement of 1500 PPSI is cpnsidered unhealthy. This past Monday, the Shire experienced an all-time record, and on Tuesday the previous day's record was surpassed by more than 1500 PPSI. 9,369 particles per square inch descended upon every imaginable surface. For the uninitiated, the subject measurement is of tree pollen.

Every keystroke on Frodo's computer is followed by a tiny miasmic wisp. His left ocular orb is red enough to halt automotive traffic. Sam has spent exactly eight and one-half minutes outside over the past four days. Mick, the Wonder Dog, leaves tiny yellow footprints from the front porch to every marked urinary release for days on end. At the same time, the gardens of the Shire are stunningly beautiful. Every flowering plant in the world is abloom.

The fourth mildest winter ever recorded in Middle Earth has just been concluded, and the earliest blooming plants (forsythia, pussywillow, daffodil) are joined by those whose blossoms usually occur long after the passage of Easter (dogwoods, white azaleas, gladiolus). The biggest culprits, according to scientific sources, are oak and maple trees which incidentally seem to be everywhere. Frodo cannot tolerate being indoors, even with the NCAA Tournament at full tilt, when there is so much beauty (even with blossoms covered by blowing alien pollen) to behold.

A runny nose and scratchy eyes is small price to pay. Besides, it provides one more opportunity for the worst-managed metropolis on the small blue planet to chant, "We're Number One."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:47 AM EDT

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Monday, March 12, 2012

Any Day Now
Mood:

on fire
Topic: "Number, Please"(8)

The story you are about to hear is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

"Yes Ma'm, you can certainly help me. My name is Frodo. I am calling about telephone number 202-555-1212, which was my business telephone number. Since I retired effective December 31st, I have received one 'Final Bill' and three 'Revised Final Bill'. I paid the 'Final Bill' timely, and each of the first two 'Revised Final Bill' were satisfied timely also."

"You're welcome. My problem seems to be that this latest 'Revised Final Bill' is to satisy costs for Internet Service during the month of March. Since, the line is inoperative, and the business is closed, it makes me wonder why I'm being charged for service in the first place."

"No Ma'm, this was not my residential number."

"Ma'm, I'm calling the number on the invoice which says "Questions Concerning Internet Charges."

"Well Ma'm, since the invoice is addressed to a corporation, doesn't it seem logical that you all would know that this was a business line?"

"Yes Ma'm, I'm acutely aware of the 'Citizens United' decision."

"Ma'm, I just went through ten minutes on hold, and correctly pushed designated buttons five times in order to ensure that a 'business' customer service person could help me as opposed to a 'residential' customer service person."

"Yes Ma'm, I understand. Could you first give me the number to which I'm being transferred in case we get cut. . ."

Sam stands over Frodo in order to prevent him from throwing the telephone out of an open window.

"She did that on purpose, and I'll bet she's back there laughing with Ron Paul about the effectiveness of the private sector."

"Okay, I'll try again, but I'll try the number on the invoice that says 'Internet Services' this time."

"Yeah, it sounds logical to me, too."

Twenty-five minutes later.

"I'm sorry, could you repeat what you just said?"

"Sir, are you stationed in a foreign country?"

"No, I mean outside the US of A."

"That's America."

"No, I'm not calling about international service, I'm calling about being charged for internet service and I don't know why, or how to stop it, or anything."

"Please, could you help an old Hobbit and just speak a little slower?"

"That's much better. Thank you. Now let me start again. My number is 202-555-1212. . ."

"No, no. You're right the number is not in service. No. no, please don't hang up. . ."

One hour later.

"I'm going to go through the website for AT&T. I will follow every step as directed, and receive a response within twenty-four hours. Oh Happy Day!"

One hour and fifteen minutes later.

"Well Sam, methinks I've followed every protocol and have documented the situation as if it were a legal brief for the Supreme Court. All I have to do now is press ENTER. . .What, where did everything go? I'll try the 'back' arrow. . ."

"Yes, I'd like to speak with Mr. T? As in A T & T" you moron. . ."

"Hello?"

"Where is the checkbook?"

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:02 PM EDT

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Sunday, March 11, 2012

I'm a Road Runner Baby
Mood:

a-ok
Topic: "Frodo's Retirement"(8)

Frodo is approaching the issue of retirement with a sense of resolve. "Frodo will accomplish something each and every day. It may not be much, but he will be able to look back and say I did 'X,' or I did 'X+1'. It may be," he said "something entirely different or totally absent from my 'To Do' list, but something will get done." Frodo's sense of obligation herein is matched only by that of Barack Obama (President of the USA).

Frodo planned to wash his motorcar this date. It threatened rain however, so that item was shelved. The rain, it seems, has now, also, been re-scheduled.

Frodo has measured and drawn a plan of action to refurbish the gazebo which stands in the gardens of the Shire. The gazebo has come under periodic assault from the squirrels who serve as resident Taliban insurgents. Being Sunday however, Frodo felt that the crowds at the Home Depot of the Shire would increase his level of anxiety, so he re-scheduled his task until Monday's planned supply run.

Frodo needs to visit Lake Lovey and repair a few leaks on his pontoon boat. There is a C-4 explosive lookalike substance which meets the need, but Frodo always fears that a misplaced match may destroy all of East Tennessee. Besides, it is a healthy drive, and Sam needs to pack provisions with a 'prep time' that exceeds Frodo's whimsical plans.

A neighbor in the Shire has given Frodo a beaucoup number of strawberry plants from her garden. Frodo has created a potential gold mine of strawberries, and with the able assistance of Mick, the Wonder Dog, who has been assigned the task of pest aversion (mainly squirrels again), routinely patrols the area to ensure the safe maturation of the new breed (dubbed 'Frodo's Beauties'). This assignment is on-going.

As Frodo swept the remnants of yesterday's trim job from the driveway, he noticed something which had not been there yesterday. Lying on its face was a fully-grown Cooper's Hawk. Frodo turned the creature face-up and mistakenly took abdominal movements as respiration. Soon Frodo realized that this beautiful creature had reached a premature end. There was no blood, no sign of injury, and the body was flexible and warm. The end had been recent.

All of Frodo's neighbors were gone, so there was none save Sam to share in the ceremony that Frodo conducted. Mick, the Wonder Dog, paid proper homage and sniffed the remains from head-to-tail, and, as they always do, then he walked away from the smell of death. Frodo had a million questions, and he thought about taking the remains to the Chattahoochee Nature Center for a potential autopsy. "Too busy they are," he thought. "Better it is to return him into the cycle of life-and-death beneath the skies that he had owned. and beneath the ground where he hunted", said the choking Hobbit.

Frodo welcomed him home, amid the reality that what Frodo accomplished this day was important. He maintained Dominion, as was required. Some jobs, he thought, are worth doing, and worth doing right.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:45 PM EDT

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Saturday, March 10, 2012

Kiss An Angel Good Mornin'
Mood:

amorous
Topic: "Early Admission" (8)

On the day before, Frodo felt that nothing could go wrong. Less than six weeks into the academic calendar, he found himself accepted as a matriculant to-be at the College of the Shire. Fewer than twenty-four hours later, the President of the United States was dead. Frodo recalled those feelings as he looked into the eyes of one who knows history as history, and not as if it had happened just hours ago.

She will attend Spelman College, and she will study biology. She desires a career in Pediatrics. Her early admission, as was that of the Hobbit, is filled with hope. The difference being, perhaps, no more than the fact that her heroes will live as Frodo's died.

She will however ride with her stepfather each and every day as he manuvers through the hurdles of interstate transportation. Frodo would never have agreed to such an arrangement.

She will however spend countless hours initiating flow charts and marketing presentations from thin air. Frodo only remotely comprehends what magic it is that has completely changed the analytical tools at his fingertips.

She will however spend less time in a library during all four of her years than Frodo did in but half of any year. Everything is on-line, and hard copy is too, well, too.

She will however accumulate more debt in four years than Frodo has in a lifetime. Paying-as-you-go is a concept that is alien to the twentieth-and-one of centuries.

Her challenges are much, much greater than those encountered by the Hobbit. She will however handle them better, and she will succeed beyond the wildest dreams of the Hobbit or of this young friend who lives across the street in the Shire.

It is as it should be. There ain't no free lunch.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:58 PM EST

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Friday, March 9, 2012

How Does It Feel To Be On Your Own, A Complete Unknown
Mood:

smelly

Perhaps the single piece of advice occurring most frequently in the life of the Hobbit is to "be yourself." Whether it was Bilbo or a vocational mentor, the message sent was the message received; that a "phoney" stands alone and unwelcome. Frodo had never really considered that this single piece of purported wisdom was actually something more than good intentions shrouded by poor preparation. That is, until Willard Mitt came along.

Do you suppose, dear reader, that Willard Mitt's Daddy never told him to "be yourself"? Why else would a Mormon who has established residences that range from Massachusetts to California begin talking about developing an affinity for Southern people, much less their accents or their dietary preferences? Listening to this buffoon's bulbous bifurcations in Mississippi would have brought Mark Twain to his knees. Frodo supposes that Fitzgerald, Morris, Percy, Wolfe, or anyone else associated with Southern literature would have denied the existence of a character so transparently, well, phoney.

True it is that people of all kinds and origin, be they in Michigan or Nevada, have come to the conclusion that this character (for want of a better term) not only fails to interact with people, but he insists on portraying himself as something familiar to them. Southern people all identify with Gatsby, or Tom Sawyer, or even Skip the dog, because they seem to appreciate something native. So what does Willard Mitt do? He wades into the crowd seemingly trying to trade recipes for peach pie.

He might as well have farted on stage.

Perhaps he did.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:10 PM EST

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