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" Citizen Soldiers" (5)
" Putin' Out" (5)
" Thin Ice"(9)
""I Ain't Got Much" (5)
""Soft Memories" (7)
"$100, Are You Sure?" (5)
"0 Preservative Added"(2)
"105 Minute Workday"(9)
"16 Percent Factor"(3)
"176,000,000 to 1"(8)
"26 Damn Dollars"(6)
"3 Percent Turnout" (2)
"37 Come 11" (5)
"3:10 to Yuma" (7)
"50 Weeks of Reality TV"
"501 (c)(4)"
"54 Pounds" (8)
"8.8 Pounds"(6)
"A Capitol Idea" (6)
"A Code in My Node"
"A Course is a Course"(2)
"A Day At The Beach" (3)
"A Dog Named Bo" (5)
"A Hobbit of an Idea"
"A Man's Army"
"A Patriot Act" (7)
"A Patriotic Act"
"A Perfect World"
"A soldier booed?'(7)
"A Space Odyssey" (4)
"A Taxing Story" (5)
"A Thousand Campfires"(4)
"A Three Hour Tour"(8)
"A Touch of Class"(5)
"A Waisted Day" (5)
"A Woman Scorned"
"Aagh,I'll Pay,I'll Pay"
"Abe Wong, of Gondor"(5)
"Act I, Scene I" (8)
"Act I, Scene II" (8)
"Act I, Scene III" (8)
"Adjustable 2nd Card"(3)
"Adjusting Policies"
"Adjusting the Clock"(8)
"Aegean Adventure" (2)
"Ah ah ah Stayin' Alive"
"Airline Highway" (5)
"Alan Scott" (7)
"All Aboard"
"All Bets Are In" (2)
"All Charged Up"
"All Good Things" (4)
"Allah Be Praised" (5)
"Almost Heaven" (2)
"Alpha Dog"(7)
"Alright, Who Did It?"(7)
"Also Sprach Frodo" (4)
"Always Wear Gloves" (3)
"AM Radio Next?"
"America's Toilet" (6)
"American Cemetery"(8)
"An Admission"
"An Apple A Day" (7)
"An Hour A Day" (6)
"An Ugly American"(4)
"Anchorman" (6)
"And the Winner Is" (2)
"Andy Griffith Redux"
"Another Single Woman?"
"Another Three-namer"(5)
"Another Time/Place"(4)
"Anvil Throwin' Time"(8)
"Apocalypse Now?" (3)
"Aragorn" (4)
"Armored Dildos" (3)
"As Far As We Know" (2)
"Ask Ann Landers" (3)
"Assembly LineDancing"(4)
"Astronaughty" (2)
"Atlanta Times Three"
"Augmentation" (2)
"Augustus Agonistes" (5)
"Aurora Borealis" (8)
"Autumnal Observances"(2)
"Avast You Lubbers"(6)
"Baby Doctors (2)"
"Baby Fiona"(7)
"Baby Nathan Yahoo"(10)
"Back Door Basra (2)"
"Back inthe Saddle Again"
"Bad Boys, Bad Boys"
"Bad Time for Bonzo" (3)
"Balance of Nature" (3)
"Balance of Payments"(5)
"Balancing the Budget"
"Ballamer" (4)
"Bang the Drum Slowly"
"Bank Prank" (5)
"Baptists are Pussies"(7)
"Barbed Wire Escape (2)"
"Barbie Banditos" (3)
"Barely Bearble"(7)
"Barely Defensible" (2)
"Barry Me Not (2)"
"Bathroom onna Right"(3)
"Beach Music" (7)
"Because It Is Hard" (4)
"Beechwood 4-5789"(6)
"Belling the Cat" (2)
"Ben McGee" (3)
"Benny and the Jets"(5)
"Berlusconi in Love"(6)
"Best be straight Boy"(5)
"Best Day/Worst Day"(6)
"Best in the South" (5)
"Best in the World?"(5)
"Betray Us" (3)
"Bettah than Etta"(4)
"Better Man" (3)
"Better Than Pong"
"Big Time Sports" (3)
"Big Words,LittleMind"(6)
"Bilbo's Birthday (2)"
"Bilbo's Little Boy"(5)
"Bilbo's Revenge" (5)
"Bill and Hillary (2)"
"Billy World" (2)
"Bimini Babes" (3)
"Bird is the Word" (3)
"Birmingham Jail" (5)
"Birthday Baggins"
"Birthday Buddies" (7)
"Birthday Memory" (4)
"Birthin' No Babies" (3)
"Bishop to King's Castle"
"Black Friday" (2)
"Black Gold, Texas Tea"
"Black Hole Blues" (4)
"Black Jack"
"Black Russians" (6)
"Black Widow" (3)
"Blackboard Jungle"
"Blame Game" (3)
"Bleached Bones" (5)
"Blitzkrieg Bellini" (2)
"Blood and Swash" (3)
"Bloopers" (5)
"Blue Christmas" (2)
"Bo's Birthday"(5)
"Bob Sikes' Cut"(9)
"Bob, Bob, Bobbit" (3)
"Bobby, not Ben"(6)
"Bon Air Bellicose" (4)
"Bon Giorno" (6)
"Bona Lisa" (5)
"Bonds-v-Skvara" (3)
"Boo Boo Poo Poo"(9)
"Boromir & Galadriel"(5)
"Bottled in Thyme"(7)
"Bottom Ten"(9)
"Bovine Stem Cells?"
"Boy, I Say Boy"
"Boycott BP"
"Breaker, Breaker" (4)
"Breakin' rules" (7)
"Breaking News" (7)
"Brer Fox (2)"
"Bridge at Andau"(11)
"Bring Back Ross" (2)
"Bring the Bowl"
"Broken News"(10)
"Brother of the Ring"
"Brownback Mountain"
"Brownie Hawkeye"
"Buckwheat Breathes" (2)
"Bumper Sticker"
"Burn Baby, Burn" (3)
"Bush in the Bullrushes"
"Bush Baby, Bush (2)"
"Bush is Chinese?" (2)
"Bush Press Conference"
"Bush-Bashers Be We (2)"
"Busman's Holiday(2)"
"Butt...Butt...Butt" (3)
"Butterflies? Sheesh!"
"Buttermilk Drops" (3)
"Buy a Subaru" (11)
"Buy Stock in America"(6)
"Cabin Fever" (5)
"Cain Not Able" (7)
"Cake in the Rain"
"Cake in the Rain"(3)
"Call Me Ishmael" (3)
"Callista, an Albino?"(7)
"Camp Pleasant" (2)
"Can She Name Them?(2)"
"Can You Hear Me Now?"
"Canaan Conspiracy"(6)
"Candygram" (4)
"Captive Audience"(6)
"Caramel or Carmel?"(3)
"Carolina Cougar(2)"
"Carolina Curmudgeon" (5)
"Cartoon Characters" (3)
"Case of Packy Stann"(3)
"Cash crash crashed?"(5)
"Cat Fight" (5)
"Caterpillar Quandry" (3)
"Causal Relationships"(9)
"Cause It's One, (2)"
"Ceramic s"
"Ch-ch-changin'" (4)
"Change a'comin" (5)
"Change is Good" (5)
"Change?" (3)
"Changin' Channels" (2)
"Chapter 13"
"Chariots of Fire"
"Chariots' a' Comin'"(4)
"Chassahowitzka" (2)
"Chauncey Gardner"(7)
"Chemical Alley" (6)
"Cheney of Fools" (2)
"Cherem" (3)
"Chew my Gazebo, Willya?"
"Chief Noc-a-Homa" (3)
"Chingachgook Lives"
"Chipmonkeys Alert (2)"
"Chipper" (6)
"Christian Balls"(10)
"Christian the Lion"(4)
"Christian Valuelessness"
"Christmas Communique"(3)
"Christmas, 1936" (2)
"Chutzpah Hooters" (4)
"Cilled a Bar?" (3)
"Cindy, oh Cindy"(4)
"Citizen Soldiers" (2)
"Clark and Lois (2)"
"Classified Ads are Cool"
"Claymore Gregg" (3)
"Clean Machine" (2)
"Clean up in Aisle 4!"(4)
"Climb It Chains" (8)
"Clinton Cuts" (7)
"Clone Chipper,Please"(4)
"Cockatiel Lounge" (2)
"College of the Shire"(6)
"Combat Kelly (2)"
"Come On Baby"(8)
"Come on Down" (3)
"Comin' Clean" (5)
"Comin' Home" (3)
"Commencement (2)"
"Comparables" (6)
"Condi for President" (3)
"Cone of Silence" (4)
"Conflagration" (3)
"Confusion Reigns"(10)
"Congress Goes to War (2)
"Congress' Schmidthead"
"Conspiracy Theory" (4)
"Copy Cat Chinese" (5)
"Country Roads" (7)
"Crawford Convention" (2)
"Crikey" (2)
"Crime and Punishment(2)"
"Crotch Rocket Delite"(4)
"Cult of the Wild"(7)
"Curious, George?"
"Currahee" (5)
"Da Juice Is Back" (3)
"Dad" (5)
"Damages Done (2)"
"Damn Close" (4)
"Damn It To Hell" (5)
"Damn Lies" (7)
"Dandy Dale" (7)
"Danger Will Robinson"(5)
"Danger,Will Robinson"(8)
"Darth Dick" (5)
"Darwin's Company" (4)
"Das Boot"
"Das Ende" (6)
"Date With David" (2)
"Day of Infamy" (4)
"Day-O, Me Wan Go"(7)
"De Tar-Ball Baby" (6)
"Dead Honkey"
"Dearest Bilbo"
"Debits on the Left?" (2)
"Decisions, Decisions"(6)
"Deep and Dark" (5)
"Deep Shiite" (3)
"Degree of Separation"(6)
"Deja 1958 Over Again"
"Deja Who?"(7)
"Delano" (4)
"Diazinon Ditties (2)"
"Dick Clark Top 10(2)"
"Dimmer Switch" (6)
"Dirty Copter" (4)
"Do They Like Kool Aid?"
"Doctor, Mr. MD"(9)
"Dodged a Bullet"(7)
"Dogmobile" (3)
"Dogs Rule"
"Doing the Right Thing"
"Don't Cut My DSL" (5)
"Don't Feed the Animals"
"Dont Touch That Dial"(6)
"Doofus" (9)
"Doohan's Delight" (3)
"Doris Miller" (6)
"Dorothy Rose" (4)
"Double Deal" (6)
"Doubting Thomases" (3)
"Doug Williams"(4)
"Dover" (4)
"Down Below Back Home"(4)
"Downtown Cardinals"(9)
"Dr. Phil" (5)
"Dubai-Bye" (3)
"Dueling Banjos" (3)
"Dumb and Dumber" (3)
"Dumb As We Wanna Be"(3)
"Dumber Than Dirt" (3)
"Dumbest Politico (2)"
"Eager Uighurs" (4)
"Early Admission" (8)
"Eight Nine Four" (4)
"Elect Jeff Jackson"(10)
"Elizabeth I" (5)
"Emily Latella Lives"
"Emperor's Clothes" (2)
"End of the Line"
"Ending Sams Patience"(7)
"Engine Uprisin'" (4)
"Ensign Pulver"(5)
"EOTUS" (5)
"Equinox Approaching"(10)
"Equinoxious" (4)
"Escalator Escalatin'"(5)
"ESP" (6)
"Etchings, Anyone?"(5)
"Ethel Merman Lives"
"Eve, It's Oil!"
"Evenin' Govnah" (6)
"Everyday Miracles"
"Evil Thoughts" (3)
"Eye Opener" (3)
"Eyes of a Gorilla"
"Fair is Fare"(7)
"Falcon" (8)
"Fall Ball" (3)
"Fallin' Behind"(11)
"Falling Apart" (9)
"Fargo Felines" (5)
"Fashionable Frodo" (5)
"Father Ed" (3)
"Faux les Bas" (2)
"Female Insurgency (2)"
"Ferengi or Ferangi?" (3)
"Fergit? Hell No!"
"Film at 11"
"Findin' William"(11)"
"Firing US Attorneys" (3)
"First Freeze" (6)
"First Learn to Lose"
"First National Bank" (5)
"First Sentence" (8)
"Five Easy Pieces" (4)
"Float Yer Boat" (4)
"Flower Power (2)"
"Foe Years Old" (4)
"Follow the Money"
"Followin' Ava" (4)
"For More Years" (3)
"Forbidden Fruit"
"Fords and Dads" (2)
"Foreclosure Follies" (7)
"Foreclosure Notice" (6)
"Forest Primeval"(8)
"Form 666" (3)
"Forms For Everything"(6)
"Foundling Fathers"(7)
"Fourteen Years Ago?"(5)
"Fox Views" (3)
"Frack You" (7)
"Frances Died Today"(7)
"Fred's Dead Head" (3)
"Free at Last"
"Free Hidden Telecast"(4)
"Freedom? Hell No" (3)
"Friend by Your Side" (3)
"Friend by your Side" (4)
"Friendly Persuasion" (5)
"Friends of Bill" (7)
"Frist Friends"
"Frodo and Housman" (2)
"Frodo and Jesus"
"Frodo and Revere?"(7)
"Frodo And Truckers (2)"
"Frodo Dissents" (6)
"Frodo Not Foggo (2)"
"Frodo of Arabia(2)"
"Frodo Op" (5)
"Frodo Regrets"
"Frodo Study Group" (2)
"Frodo visits Bilbo"
"Frodo's Almanac"(9)
"Frodo's Bad Day"
"Frodo's Book Club"(5)
"Frodo's Dilemma" (3)
"Frodo's Faux Pas" (3)
"Frodo's Final Four" (3)
"Frodo's Foreign Policy"
"Frodo's Hall of Fame"(4)
"Frodo's Newer Friend"(6)
"Frodo's Retirement"(8)
"Frodo's Revenge"
"Frodo's Revenge"(7)
"Frodo's Solutions" (6)
"Frodo's Xmas Story"(6)
"Frodo, James Frodo" (3)
"Furriners" (4)
"Gainful Employment" (3)
"Galadriel Is No More"(3)
"Gandalf's Challenge (2)"
"Garland Duesenberry" (2)
"Gas Guzzler A-Go-Go"
"Gasp, Wheeze (2)"
"Gay Faux Holes" (5)
"Genarlow de Chariot" (3)
"Genesis Ignored" (3)
"Geneva Accords Redux"
"Geography Lesson" (3)
"George to the Rescue"(3)
"Georgia on my Mind"(3)
"Getting Your Wish" (3)
"Gidget Goes Gondor"(7)
"Gimme Head With Hair"(3)
"Girls Night Out" (6)
"Give 'em Hell, Tom" (5)
"Give Heath a Chance (2)"
"Give Us Your Tired. . ."
"Giving Way to Anger" (2)
"Glenn Frey"(11)
"Glory Days"
"Goin' Home" (3)
"Gondor Goodfellas"(9)
"Gondor Gravitas" (3)
"Good Cop" (7)
"Good Day America" (6)
"Good Friday It Was"(9)
"Good Friday, Maybe"(11)
"Good Ol Mountain Dew"(5)
"Good Son"
"Goodbye Kids (2)"
"Goodbye, Ethan" (2)
"Goodman is Hard to Find"
"Goose Again"
"GOP Convention" (3)
"Gotta Have a Home (2)"
"Grading on a Curve"
"Graffiti Government" (2)
"Great American Hero"
"Great American Hero" (2)
"Greatest Duet Ever"(6)
"Greed is Good"(5)
"Greetings" (8)
"Grissom not Gruesome"(4)
"Groupies for Edwards"(4)
"Guess We Forgot?"(8)
"Guest Workers (2)"
"Guns of August" (7)
"Guts of August" (3)
"Gwinnett Again?" (3)
"Halo, 1,2,3?" (3)
"Ham I Am" (3)
"Handi-Wipes" (3)
"Hang 'em High" (2)
"Hanky Time, Ladies"
"Happens in Threes"(5)
"Happy Anniversary"(9)
"Happy Mardi Gras"(2)
"Harpo Speaks"
"Harry" (2)
"Harry's Bar-Venice" (2)
"Hawkeye, Redux"(7)
"Haz Mat" (3)
"He Ate the Olive!"(7)
"He is deeply missed (2)"
"He Picks Up Poop?" (5)
"He Took De Bait" (8)
"He's 'Little Ricky'?"(7)
"Healthcare for Frodo"(5)
"Heart Soar Like Hawk"(5)
"Heck of an Engineer"(7)
"Hedge Fund Hippies" (3)
"Heeeerrre's Frodo" (3)
"Heeere's Johnny" (6)
"Heeerrrre's Frodo" (3)
"Hello, Mr. Wilson" (5)
"Hello? Central?" (3)
"Help Wanted"
"Helping Frodo" (4)
"Here Come da Judge" (2)
"Here Come da Judge" (6)
"Here Kitty-Kitty" (4)
"Here Kitty-kitty"(5)
"Here's Help, Now Leave"
"Here's Your Watch" (3)
"Hi Jinx" (5)
"Hide Anythin' Edible"(5)
"High Chair" (2)
"Hobbits And a Truck"(4)
"Hold On Romo" (2)
"Hold the Malaise" (4)
"Honey Dew List"(9)
"Hopalong Frodo"(9)
"Horn of Africa (2)"
"Horse Latitudes" (6)
"Horsehockey" (3)
"Hosea Can You See" (3)
"Hosea Can You See?" (3)
"Hot Tamale" (3)
"Hotel Plimhimmon"(9)
"HOV or DOA?" (3)
"How Dogs Love Us" (10)
"How Many Delegates?"
"How Many Delegates?" (3)
"How Now Broun Cow"(8)
"Hraka" (4)
"Huckleberry Hound" (3)
"Hund Scheisse CSI" (5)
"Hungarian Answer" (4)
"I Believe in Music (2)"
"I can hope, can't I?"(9)
"I Could Cry" (2)
"I Inspired You?"
"I say it's Spinach. . ."
"I'll Get Back to You"(3)
"I'll Huff and Puff" (4)
"I'll Take a Vowel"
"I'm Baaack" (2)
"I'mSo In LoveWithYou"(7)
"Ides of March Again" (4)
"Ides of Texas" (6)
"IED's in Congress" (2)
"If Frodo Ran The DHS"(5)
"If It Ain't OneThing"(5)
"If the truth be told"(6)
"If You Remember,Then"(6)
"If" (6)
"Imagine,General Newt"(6)
"Imitation of Life" (5)
"Immigration Reform (2)"
"In a Galaxy Far Away(2)"
"In a Pig's Eye" (4)
"In Dog We Trust" (10)
"In the Beginning"
"In the Beginning" (3)
"Incomparable Moron" (4)
"Indoor Toilets Rule" (4)
"Intersex Village" (2)
"Interstate Parking (2)"
"Ion Propulsion"(7)
"Iran's Tom Hayden"
"Irish Spring"(3)
"Is it in the Water?"
"Is That in America?" (2)
"Is You da One,Jimmy?"(3)
"Islamic Fundamentals"(8)
"Isn't Amnesty Good?"(3)
"Isn't Change Good?"(6)
"It's A Trap" (6)
"It's Just a Movie"
"It's Just Business"
"Ja, Wir Konnen."
"Jack Crabb" (10)
"Jambo Jumbo" (3)
"Japanese Movie?" (3)
"Je suis Frodo"(10)
"Jefferson Rock" (3)
"Jes' the facts Ma'am"(4)
"Jim Crow" (5)
"Joad Family Reunion?"(6)
"Joad Jobs" (4)
"Joe Soptic" (8)
"Jonestown Redux" (3)
"Jose and Claudia" (4)
"Joshua Generation" (3)
"Just Another Day" (3)
"Just Clearin' Brush"(3)
"Just Desserts (2)"
"Just Desserts" (7)
"Just Say 'Nyet'"(7)
"Just to CU Smile" (5)
"Kandy Kakes 2"
"Ken Meets Jack"
"Key Word Apology" (6)
"Killer's Geraldine" (4)
"Kilowatts Per Mile" (6)
"Kiribati Republic"(6)
"Kirk Saves Nemo"
"Kiss a Girl Goodbye"(2)
"Knew You Not Pompey?"(3)
"Kodak Moment" (2)
"Kool Sailboat" (4)
"Korea, Korea" (2)
"Kudlow's Kreeps"(4)
"Lady of Rohan" (3)
"Land Ho"(8)
"Lean and Hungry " (2)
"Leeward, I Say, Leeward"
"Legs Diamond" (3)
"Legs" (3)
"Leslie" (4)
"Lessons Learned" (2)
"Let Them Eat Cake"
"Let's Bake Cookies" (3)
"Let's Play A Game" (6)
"Letter Home" (6)
"Letter to Lou" (4)
"Liberal Lament" (40)
"Lief, Leaf, or Loaf"(8)
"Life In A Red State"
"Lights of Chicago"
"Like a Barack" (2)
"Limbaugh Hero"(7)
"Lime Bandits" (3)
"Lime is on my side" (6)
"Limestone Cowboys" (3)
"Lip Smackin' Good?"(6)
"Little Big Horn (2)"
"Little Houdini" (5)
"Little Sky"
"Littlest Angel" (2)
"Livin' is Easy?"(7)
"Loans and Deposits" (4)
"Lois, I Never Lie"(8)
"Lonely Avenue" (3)
"Lonesome Frodo" (3)
"Look away Dixieland"(6)
"Look for da Union Label"
"Look Who's Talkin'" (2)
"Lookin' Back, Texas" (3)
"Lost Weekend"(8)
"Low Water, Slow Flow"(3)
"Lox? Or Locks?" (7)
"Lunatic Cattle Call"(8)
"M-G-M Material"
"Ma Bell is Baaack" (3)
"Ma Bell Lives" (7)
"Macaca, Your Macaca" (2)
"Mad Dogs&Englishmen"(6)
"Made You Look" (6)
"Magic Fridge (2)"
"Magic Moments"(7)
"Make Jobs, Not War"(7)
"MaMa's Little Babies"(3)
"Man For All Seasons" (2)
"Man of the Century"
"Man Up, Harry"(6)
"Man's Best Friend?"
"Many happy returns"
"March Forth" (8)
"Marking Time" (3)
"Martyr Magic" (2)
"Marvelous Mac"(8)
"Mary Lee & Genie"(8)
"Master of None" (8)
"May Day, Comrade"(7)
"Maynard G. Krebs" (7)
"Medal of Honor" (6)
"Media is the Message(2)"
"Media Reporting" (6)
"Mental Healthcare" (4)
"Michelle, my Belle"(7)
"Mick's Day"(8)
"Mickey and Me"(6)
"MidSummer Nights Dream"(7)
"Mikileaks" (6)
"Missionary Position" (3)
"Missionary Position" (7)
"Mississipp' Sippin'"(2)
"Mister Roberts" (8)
"Moamar:The Movie"(7)
"Mohair Sam" (5)
"Mon Petit Shoe"(4)
"Monkeys in Mississippi"
"Moody Blue"(7)
"Moody" (7)
"Mooman" (3)
"Moon Over Miami"(4)
"Mooosic" (5)
"Moovin' On Up" (2)
"Mordor or Antarctica?"
"More Than Some" (4)
"Moultrie Poultry" (3)
"Mount Mulch" (2)
"Movin' On Up" (2)
"Mr. Toad's Motorcar (2)"
"Mumbai, My Lord" (4)
"Murtha For President(2)"
"N. Leroy" (7)
"Name That Tune"(4)
"Nascaroil" (4)
"Nat King Cole Sucks"(5)
"NCAA---Blech!" (7)
"Nein, nein, nein"(7)
"Never Doubt Bilbo"
"Never heard of him"
"New Life, Old Leaves"(4)
"Newest Friend"(8)
"Newman's Own" (4)
"Newt/Mitt '12" (3)
"Next Case" (6)
"Next Door Neighbors" (3)
"NFL Commissioner (2)"
"NFL Trade" (3)
"Nielsen Ratings" (2)
"Nine Months PG" (7)
"Nixon Agonistes" (3)
"No Faux News?" (3)
"No Googling Allowed"(4)
"No Humor Today"
"No Peanut Left Behind"
"No Sale" (3)
"No, Not Russian" (4)
"No-No, No" (3)
"Nobody Even Asked"(8)
"Noo Yawk Stateamind"(2)
"Not a Bang,a Whimper"(7)
"Not Funny, Dr Jones"(5)
"Not North Carolina" (6)
"Not Percy Sledge?" (3)
"Not Percy Sledge?"(3)
"Number One" (3)
"Number Please?"(7)
"Number, Please"(8)
"Numbers Don't Lie" (3)
"Numbers Racket" (4)
"Obama Doctrine" (5)
"Obama's Generals"(5)
"October Dreamin'" (4)
"Ode to an Athlete (2)"
"Ogal Preston Crews (2)"
"Oh Kenny Boy (2)"
"Oh the possibilities"(8)
"Oh Ye White Whale" (3)
"Oh, Sadaharu" (2)
"OK Baptist Chorale" (4)
"Old McDonnell's Farm"(7)
"Old Time Baseball"(9)
"Old Times Topic" (6)
"Olympic Changes" (4)
"On Her Code?" (4)
"On Vacation, I'm Sure"
"One Act Play"
"One Down, More Comin'"
"One For the Good Guys"
"One More Round" (4)
"One Orbit of the Sun"(2)
"Only 434 More to Go" (2)
"Opportunity Sox" (3)
"Or the Yellow Peril?"(6)
"Osama Can You See?" (2)
"Our God Is Better" (3)
"Our Town" (5)
"Our Town" (8)
"Out Damned Spot (2)"
"Out of Kilter" (5)
"Out of the Ashes" (4)
"Overdue Books" (3)
"Pace Car" (3)
"Painted Toenails?"(4)
"Panic Attack"(10)
"Pants on Fire"
"Parade of Horribles"(4)
"Part Two" (5)
"Pass the Malais" (4)
"Passion Flowers" (5)
"Past is Prologue" (3)
"Pat bin Laden"
"Patsy for America"
"Peaceful Easy Feelin"(3)
"Peacetakescourage" (3)
"Permanent Vacation" (5)
"Persons of the Year"
"Philadelphia Bunnyface?"
"Philosopher Kings" (4)
"Pickled Cabbage?"
"Picture of Frodo"(5)
"Pilot Wales" (2)
"Pirate Booty"
"Pit Bull Revenge"(4)
"Pius Baloney I" (7)
"Place of Good Abode" (3)
"Plaque 42W, Line 12"
"Play It Again, Sam"
"Play Melancholy Baby"
"Play the Frodo Game"(6)
"Playin' Possum" (3)
"Poland Parole Patrol"(5)
"Polish or Polish?"
"Poll Results Just In"
"Poly Sci 101"(9)
"Poor People"
"Pope for a Day" (10)
"Pope-a-Dope" (5)
"Popeil Veg-o-matic"
"Potty Training" (3)
"Power Surge"(9)
"Pray for, Gas?" (4)
"Pray With Me Henry" (2)
"Pre-emptive Passages"(2)
"Preemptive Invasion"
"Presidential Erection"
"Problem, Officer?" (3)
"Problem, Officer?" (5)
"Problems?" (4)
"Promises Made" (3)
"Promises To Keep" (5)
"Promises to Keep"(9)
"Proud I Am"
"Proud Walter" (5)
"Proxy Server Error" (4)
"Prudent" (10)
"Psychiatrist,5 cents"(6)
"Pugnacious Maverick"
"Pulitzer Means Squat"(8)
"Punxatawney Bush"
"Puppy Angel" (2)
"Purple Pill Please" (2)
"Putin Tang" (3)
"Qaddafi Wins, For Now"(7)
"Qualified? Yeah Right!"
"Quayle Hunting"
"Queen of Memphis"
"Queen of the Damned"
"Quittin' Time" (8)
"Quoth the Raven"(7)
"QVC and Dorothy"
"Qwest For Truth (2)"
"Radio and TV"(7)
"Rain, Rain, Go Away?"(4)
"Rainy Day in Georgia(2)"
"Raptor Rapture" (7)
"Read All About It" (5)
"Real Men Don't Shop"(4)
"Rechargin' da Shire"(11)
"Recycled Air (Gasp)" (2)
"Red Sky at Morning" (3)
"Red Sky at Morning"(5)
"Reduced Flow Flush"(5)
"Reimers' Rhymers"(5)
"Remember These?"
"Remembering Jessica" (2)
"Remote Outpost" (7)
"Render Unto Wright" (4)
"Reverend LeRoy" (3)
"Rice on Hot Tin Roof(2)"
"Rick Santa Anna"(5)
"Right Not Privilege" (4)
"Road to Damascus"
"Road Trip" (5)
"Roads Scholar" (8)
"Rocket Man"
"Rocket Man" (5)
"Rockets Red Glare" (5)
"Rocks Rox"(8)
"Roger the Dodger"(4)
"Roger Williams Sucks"(2)
"Rooty-Toot" (6)
"Rose Garden Promises"(4)
"Royal Portrait" (2)
"Rubber Ducky" (2)
"Rubio's Cube"(6)
"Rules" (6)
"Rules" (7)
"Rumblin' Bumblin'" (3)
"Rumsfeldstiltskin" (2)
"Run Eddie, Run" (5)
"Run Far, Run Fast"(7)
"Run Forrest, Run"
"Run, old hare!"
"Runaround Tsu"
"Runs in the Family" (3)
"Rwanda Go Home?"(6)
"S'long Sarong (2)"
"Sabato Knows" (2)
"Sam Shopping" (2)
"San Juan de Capistrano"
"Sandy Hook" (8)
"Santos v. Vinnick"
"Satire-Apology to Mick"
"Sauron Psalms" (2)
"Sauron's Scythe" (4)
"Savin' Gas" (4)
"SAWB" (3)
"Say Cheese"(7)
"Say It Ain't So,Jo"(4)
"Say It Ain't So,Joe" (2)
"School Holiday" (4)
"Science Marches On"
"Scooter" (2)
"Scott Free" (4)
"Sears and Loveaduck" (5)
"Second Line (2)"
"Second of Two" (4)
"Seems Like Yesterday"(4)
"Seems Like Yesterday"(9)
"Seen Any Blue Swans?"(3)
"Selective Service"(8)
"September Twelfth"(5)
"Serendipity Strikes" (3)
"Serge is Working?" (3)
"Serious,For A Change"(6)
"Seven Samurai" (5)
"Sex or Gender?"
"Sexiest Man Alive"(5)
"Shaken, not stirred"(10)
"She is No Ma Kettle"
"Sheep and Museums"
"Sheep in Mindanao?"
"Shenandoah Rangers"(7)
"Shenandoah" (6)
"Shire Sunset"
"Shock and Awe" (4)
"Shoot 'em, Vern"
"Side by Side" (7)
"Sidin' With Anemone"(4)
"Silence of the Lambs"(2)
"Silent, but deadly"(6)
"Sing It Again" (4)
"Sink or Swim"
"Sir A Gut" (3)
"Six Days on the Road"
"Skull and Bones"(4)
"Skunk Cabbage" (3)
"Sleepy Time (2)"
"Slippin' and a Slidin'"
"Sludge Stimulus" (5)
"Small Businesses-Ha!"(6)
"Small Gray Planet"(2)
"Small Victories"
"Smellin' Roses"
"Smirk Jerk" (2)
"Smokin' Pesticide Dope"
"Smoochy Time" (4)
"Snazis" (2)
"Snow Tan"(11)
"Snowiches" (6)
"So Who's Sluggo?" (2)
"Social Security Reform"
"Social Security" (7)
"Socrates and Friends"(5)
"Soldier of the King"
"Soldier of the Storm(2)"
"Solitary Isolation" (3)
"Solving a Problem"(9)
"Somethin' Borrowed"(5)
"Something in Commons"(5)
"Sometimes Life Sucks"(4)
"Sorcerer's Apprentice"
"Soul Train" (5)
"Souter Rules, Dude"
"Southern Ladies" (5)
"Sow's Ear from Silk"(5)
"Space Poop" (3)
"Speechifyin'" (4)
"Speedy Gonzales" (3)
"Spelling, -23" (6)
"Sperm Count" (3)
"Spiro T. Palin" (4)
"Spoonerized" (6)
"Spring Equal Knox" (3)
"St. George" (4)
"Stan & Ollie"(7)
"State Dinner" (3)
"States' Rahts" (3)
"Sticker Shock"
"Stolen Bases" (3)
"Stragedy" (2)
"Stragedy" (8)
"Strangerthan fiction"(6)
"Strip Searched" (9)
"Stupidly" (5)
"Stupor Bowl Sunday"(2)
"Subsidizing Seeds"(6)
"Sunday, Sunday"(9)
"Sunni Daze" (4)
"Supportin' da Troops"(2)
"Supportin' da Troops"(3)
"Survey Says" (6)
"Sweet Georgia Brown"
"Swiss Miss" (5)
"Take a letter, dearie"
"Take It Off Baby" (5)
"Takes a Worried Man"(4)
"Talibanme Banana"(8)
"Talkin' Turkey" (3)
"Tax Driver" (9)
"Taxpayer Assistance (2)"
"Tea Olive" (7)
"Tear Down That Wall"(4)
"Teflon Causes Cancer"
"Ten Cent Coke" (3)
"Tennessee Stinks" (6)
"Term Paper" (5)
"Terminal? Great!"
"Terre Bonne" (6)
"Terrible Swift Sword"(6)
"Terrible Two's" (2)
"Tess of D'Uberville"(8)
"Tess of the Dorghis" (8)
"Texas Exes" (8)
"Thank the Academy"(4)
"Thank You Rand Paul"
"Thank You, Molly" (2)
"Thanks, Dad" (3)
"Thar She Blows"
"That Looks Like Me"(5)
"That's the way it is"(5)
"Thawt Yuze a Toad"(7)
"The 60 Year Struggle"(5)
"The Atlanta Eye" (6)
"The Blue Dog"(11)
"The Boston Massacre"(9)
"The Boys of '63" (8)
"The Brotherhood Begins"
"The Eyes of Texas"
"The Forum" (2)
"The Future is Now (2)"
"The Garden of Good"
"The Good Book" (4)
"The Good Doctor"(6)
"The Great Quixote" (9)
"The Grumpy Dwarf"(9)
"The Important Stuff"
"The Italian Stallion"
"The Litany" (6)
"The Longest Day" (5)
"The Non-Issue" (3)
"The Perfect Storm" (2)
"The Pre-Fellowship"(4)
"The Prophecy"
"The Real Rhett" (4)
"The Second Amendment"
"The Silver Sow Award"(3)
"The Splurge" (4)
"The Turtle" (3)
"The Union Label"(6)
"There is a Virginia" (2)
"They're He-ear" (4)
"Thin Ice, Frodo" (4)
"Third Strike Nuance (2)"
"This Day in History"(3)
"This, Too, Shall Pass"
"Three A.M." (4)
"Three Siblings" (4)
"Three Votes Short" (3)
"Thriller" (9)
"Thunder Road"
"Thy Name be Peace" (2)
"Tie a Yellow Ribbon" (3)
"Tiger By The Tail" (5)
"Time to Cut Brush" (3)
"Time With Friends" (3)
"Times A' Wastin'" (3)
"Title IX Disaster" (5)
"To Arms, To Arms"
"To the Hoop (2)"
"Together Again" (3)
"Tokyo Rush" (5)
"Tom Bombadil isDying"(7)
"Tom Bombadil Returns"(9)
"Tom" (4)
"Top Two Percent" (7)
"Tora Bora Lora. . ." (2)
"Torah, Torah..."(6)
"Toro, Andalay,Toro (2)"
"Touchdown Swabbie" (3)
"Tovarich" (4)
"Tra La,Spring,Tra La"(6)
"Train Wreck"(8)
"Transparency" (4)
"Travel Sucks" (4)
"Tree Fishin' (2)"
"Trees v. Forest"(9)
"Trekking Mount Doom" (2)
"Tripod Hackers?"(9)
"Trouble Sleepin'" (3)
"Truckin' for Isaiah" (3)
"Truly,Totally, Nuts"(3)
"Tuesdays with Nancy"(4)
"Tullahoma Tequila (2)"
"Tumbler" (3)
"Turkey Day Walkabout"(2)
"TW3" (3)
"Tweety Pie" (2)
"Twenty to Life" (5)
"Twismas Tunes" (5)
"Twisted Sister" (4)
"Two Americas" (4)
"Two Americas" (9)
"Two Steps Back" (4)
"Two Thousand, Ate" (4)
"Unademdaze" (4)
"Unborn in the USA" (6)
"Unbroken Circle" (7)
"Unconditional Surrender"
"Unconventional, you say?"(7)
"Underdog Shmunderdog"(4)
"Unmarked Grave" (6)
"Untimely Events"
"UR Number Is Up" (7)
"Vacation Brouhaha" (3)
"Vacation Comin'" (2)
"Vandals at the Gates"(2)
"Vat of Chocolate"(6)
"Vero Possumus" (4)
"Veto Shmetoe (2)"
"Vick Drops, Cough!" (3)
"Video Thriller"(5)
"Vinson Can Gogh"(6)
"Virgin Birth" (2)
"Virginia is 4 Lovers"(4)
"Virginia Lovers" (4)
"Vom Winde Verweht" (2)
"Vote for Steve" (2)
"Vote Frodo (Not)"(7)
"W is for Wuss""
"Wait 'til Next Year" (2)
"Wait 'Til Next Year"(2)A
"Walkin' in the Woods"(5)
"Walkin' the Dogs"(8)
"Walkin' the Walk"
"Wall of Libertad"
"War on Middle Class"(2)
"War on Tara"
"Warm Bucket of Spit"(4)
"Was Miers His Attorney?"
"Watch Mr. Wizard" (3)
"Water Into Wine" (11)
"Water into Wine?"
"Watts da plan, Man?"(5)
"Wayne Johnson"(4)
"We Make a Better Day"(5)
"We Sank a Truck"
"We Will Rock You"
"Weather Channel Follies"
"Weddin' Down South" (3)
"Wedding Bell Blues"
"Weeds Way Is Up?"(5)
"Weepy Seepy Peepee"(3)
"Welcome Home, Soldier"
"Well, Duh!"
"Well, Poop"(8)
"West Wing Redux" (2)
"What Goes Around" (6)
"What if JR Shot Back"(9)
"What is a Shimkus?" (2)
"What Mark Felt"
"What Schedule?" (2)
"What Time Is It (2)"
"What We Have Here (2)"
"What Would Mitt Do?"(3)
"What's A Cubit?"
"What's a Sgarbi?" (5)
"What, Me Worry?"
"What, Me Worry?" (3)
"Where Sun Doan Shine"(8)
"Where's Frodo?" (5)
"Where's my puppy?"(4)
"Where's the Beef?"
"Where's the Fire?"(5)
"Whither Frodo?"
"Whitman's Sampler"(6)
"Who Dat Say Who Dat?"
"Who dat?" (2)
"Who did it?" (2)
"Who Torted?"
"Who Was That Guy?" (5)
"Who's In Line?"(6)
"Who's We, White Boy?"(3)
"Why are you here"?(3)
"Why are you here?" (3)
"Why Black Folks Cheered"
"Wiccan I do for you?"(2)
"Wicked Pickett"
"Wide Stance" (4)
"Will better be?"(7)
"Willard" (7)
"Willie B had heart" (5)
"Winchester Women (2)"
"Wink at the Moon"
"Winter Solstice"
"Wishin' and Hopin'"
"Wither Channels" (5)
"Wither Weather"(9)
"Wither Weather?"(4)
"WMD in the Shire"(6)
"Words To Live By"(7)
"Workin' on Night Moves"
"Worst Candidate Ever"(8)
"Worth Waiting For?"(5)
"Write a Letter" (7)
"Writer's Block" (2)
"Wrong Again, Frodo"(3)
"Wyomin' Gloamin'" (2)
"Xmas in Shreveport"(6)
"Yahoo" (4)
"Yankee Humor" (5)
"Yankee Ingenuity"
"Yella Rose a Taxes"(4)
"Yellow Peril" (3)
"Yes, No, Who Knows?" (2)
"You Betcha" (6)
"You Put Your Eye Out"(2)
"You Snake in the Grass"
"You Take the High Road"
"Zimmerman Noted"(6)
"Zinni in Bloom (2)"
"Zounds, Sounds!" (5)
"Zounds, you varlet"(4)
Southern Pine Beetles"(4)
The H Word" (6)
Citizens of Middle Earth
The Fellowship of the Ring
The Return of the King
Frodo, Keeper of the Ring
Sunday, May 8, 2005
You Left Me, Just When I Needed You Most
Mood:  happy
Topic: "Eyes of a Gorilla"
In December, a group of eight rare mountain gorillas disappeared from an Ugandan Nature Reserve. Rumors sparked that the primates had been abducted by neighboring Rwanda in order to boost tourism in their National Parks. It has long been debated in Wildlife circles whether Uganda or Rwanda offers more favorable viewing of creatures in the wild. Frodo has always been partial to Panama City, Florida.

Last week the missing gorillas returned to their home in Uganda, accompanied by a new baby and another adult gorilla. Frodo was struck by the analogy to polite human society when a neighbors' daughter got "knocked up." The unfortunate young lady would depart for a "home" in a neighboring state, and return some time later with a perfectly plausible, although unbelievable, story about why she had this infant in her possession. Considering the events of the Jennifer Wilbanks non-story on all the TV networks, Frodo feels there is synergy here.

All eight gorillas boarded a Greyhound bus at the terminal in Duluth, Georgia, bound for Las Vegas. Once there, they headed south to Albuquerque, simply because it was spelled in as bizarre a manner as any word in their native tongue, and when repeated three times in rapid succession, sounds exactly like the mating call of some sort of jungle bird. Does, doesn't it?

One of the gorillas, a wide-eyed charmer, gave birth in Albuquerque. The father, she alleged, was an Hispanic male whose promise had been to elope, but whose intent had proved to be less than honorable. At this point, the gorillas called home, seeking assistance. The Ugandan Special Army (USA, for short) provided assistance back to their mountain home for all of the native gorillas and for their medical/spiritual adviser the Majority Leader of the United States Senate, Bill Frist. Dr. Frist, when asked to comment on the events that had taken place, responded by singing "OOO EEE OOO AH AH WING WANG WALLA WALLA BING BANG."

The commercial media back in Uganda feigned outrage at the investigative and transportation costs borne by taxpayers. Frodo feels quite confident that the entrance fee to Uganda's Nature Reserves will be increased to absorb the additional cost. This obviously mature solution far surpassed the activities of the monkeys in Gwinnett County. It does indeed prove that there, the animals are running the zoo.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:11 PM EDT
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Thursday, May 5, 2005
Miles and Miles and Miles of Heart
Mood:  irritated
Topic: "Chew my Gazebo, Willya?"
The Havahart Company of Lititz, Pennsylvania, given its' location near the towns of Blue Ball, Intercourse, and Bird in Hand, is an Amish Company. The company manufactures live traps, and their primary distributor is Home Depot. Frodo learned all of this from his friend Pippin, who had amassed the grand sum of 38 trapped squirrels in his backyard in Northern Virginia. Pippin further instructed Frodo in the theory that trapped squirrels must be released at least three miles from the point of capture, or they will return.

One might reasonably assume that Frodo has, or has had, a continuing problem with the very cute, but very destructive extra-terrestrials. One would assume correctly. Given that fact, Frodo visited the Orange megalith and purchased a Havahart trap. Only after, however, his first effort, a slingshot, proved more destructive to the windows in the rear of Sam's house than to the derrieres of the tree rats.

The first night passed slowly for both Frodo and for Mick, the Wonder Dog. Mick, mostly Australian Shepherd, responds well to the things that excite his play buddy. Mick shot through the dog door that first morning to be first upon the scene where he was greeted by more teeth than he had ever seen in one location at one moment in his entire lifetime. Ophelia Opossum was thoroughly pissed. To this day, Mick will not go anywhwere near the trap, regardless of its contents.

Baiting the trap with peanut butter and a few sunflower seeds eventually draws in one of the intended targets. Frodo then has to place the trap in the trunk of his "motor car" and drive at least three miles to a suitable location to reposition his adversary. There are many options in the Shire. The local Catholic Church sits high on a wooded hill, and if it is an off-time for prayer, it is a suitable location to subtly deposit a new parishoner. A poorly located subdivision, where the residents tend to drive too fast, and whose children are particularly obnoxious is another favorite, particularly around the picnic area. Squirrels seem to like potato salad.

Ah, but the best is the local high school, directly under the bleachers of the football stadium. Frodo has provided the halftime entertainment for almost every game in the history of the school. The little buggers evidently get irritated at the bands marching around on their field, and try their best to drive the marchers into the sea. Perhaps you have seen our handiwork on Animal Channel?

There is a science to all of this, since the squirrels give birth in February in the Shire, and not until May or June do the little dumb ones become big enough to survive on their own. Dear reader, we are approaching prime time, and Frodo's bird feeders are overrun. This day we applied a little oil to the trap, baited it up, and set it conveniently close to the 546 nests located in Frodo's backyard. Let the games begin, and we who are about to be relocated salute you. Hail Frodo!

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:15 PM EDT
Updated: Thursday, May 5, 2005 10:20 PM EDT
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Wednesday, May 4, 2005
Odds Are He Won't Live to See Tomorrow
Mood:  sharp
Topic: "Dearest Bilbo"
"Mr. Frodo, please write that High School English Teacher and thank her, for both of us."

"Dear Mrs. Ames, enclosed is a "Blue Book" assignment that I wrote in a Freshman English course. My Professor wrote something at the end which I thought you might like to see. I consider it a very great compliment, and I wanted to share it with you."
" I enjoy college life very much, and much of the credit for it goes to you, and to Mr. Maranian, and to so many others who actually got my attention from time-to-time. I will always cherish the books, not least of which is 'The Grapes of Wrath.' I try every day to remember Robert Penn Warren and the definition of "greatness." These are gifts you gave to me, and to all of us lucky enough to be in your class. Thank you."

"My Dear Mr. Frodo, your very wonderful letter arrived on a dreary day, and instantaneously the clouds were replaced by sunshine. You may never know much I appreciate the words of your Professor. Follow him, keep listening, and never, ever lose that which makes you so special. Thank you, my dear Frodo."

Rachel Ames was a graduate of the University of Wisconsin. She was married, and had two children, Allison and Ashford. Frodo met both of her children, in passing, but he never met her husband. Years later, VANITY FAIR published an article which detailed much of the adult life of her family. The husband, it seems, was an employee of the Central Intelligence Agency, and he was an alcoholic.

About the time that Frodo's one and only letter to this magnificent woman was written Allison Ames, only a few years older than Frodo, died from breast cancer. Not long after that the anonymous Mr. Ames passed away, probably with no recollection of where he was at the time. Frodo supposes that the timing of his letter was as good as it ever could have been.

Rachel died in her son's apartment from a heart attack a few years later. Frodo did not know that until he read it in one of the books written about her son. Ashford Ames had followed his father into the CIA where he rose to a position of prominence in that part of the Intelligence community that dealt with the Soviet Union. Unfortunately, he also inherited his father's tastes.

After Rachel died, Ashford Ames married a very attractive Latin American woman, and he went to great expense to keep her happy. To establish and maintain the requisite lifestyle, he needed money. He got it by selling out his country. He got it by selling classified information to the Soviet Union. He got it by providing information which resulted in the death of more than a dozen people in different parts of the world. It cost him his freedom.

Frodo reflects often on the best teacher, Rachel Ames. For all the gifts she gave to Frodo, he remains most grateful that she did not live one more day. She endured the death of her daughter, and the torment of her husband, and her end came without ever knowing of her son's treachery.

Dear Mom, as Mother's Day nears Frodo just wanted to take a few minutes and let you know how grateful I am . . .

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:28 PM EDT
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Tuesday, May 3, 2005
Sugar in the Morning, Sugar in the Evenin'
Mood:  hungry
Topic: "Sweet Georgia Brown"
Delbert Bland, the State of Georgia's largest grower of Sweet Vidalia Onions, commenced shipping on April 28th. Mr. Bland reported that he shipped 100,000 50-pound bags--100 truck loads--on the first day of the 2005 season. For Onion afficionados, like Frodo, the season delayed by cool spring temperatures has heightened the culinary imagination. Cookbooks receive much more than passing interest this time of year in the Shire.

For the uninitiated, the simple fact of what a Vidalia happens to be is explained by a brief lesson in geography. Life in the coastal counties of Georgia requires every homeowner to have a water filtration pump which removes sulfur from drinking water. The sulfur content of the water is so high that it smells like rotten eggs. Now, go inland 75 or so miles and the earth in the counties where Vidalias grow is virtually devoid of sulfur. The absence of sulfur is what gives the Onion its' sweet taste. The sulfur, of course, is leached from the soil and washes downstream in the water. The "shelf life" of the Vidalia is retained by the household consumer carefully wrapping each onion into a knotted section of an old pair of pantyhose. No salad should be served absent a Vidalia.

Martha Stewart, an alumni of "Camp Cupcake," is a fan of ramps. Ramps, or leeks as they are known by New Jerseyites and other Visigoths, are recommended by the "Ankle Bracelet Queen" in many of her recipes to brighten up the otherwise tasteless fare served in parts of Mordor. Ramps will put hair on your chest, or the soles of your feet, and mosquitoes will not enter into your sphere of influence. It is said that Eric Rudolph, the "Olympic Park Bomber," lived off of ramps as a major part of his diet in the five years he remained as a fugitive.

Ramps, again for the uninitiated, grow wild in the mountains of the Southern Appalachians. Many rural communities hold "Ramp Festivals" in the Springtime. It should be noted that these festivals are generally attended only by those equipped with appropriate hazard attire.

Ramps have become cult items. So much so, in fact, that the National Park Service is issuing guidelines to restrict the harvest of the native grown plant. This, Frodo assumes, can all be laid at the feet of the publicity awarded the ramp by readers of the "Dungeon Diva."

Frodo is very pleased that so much attention is given to ramps. Frodo hopes that equal thought is given to brussel sprouts, cranberries, cooked carrots, and haggis. Vidalias are for the good guys.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:27 PM EDT
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Sunday, May 1, 2005
Who Are You? Who? Who?
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: "Frist Friends"
Given the mystical incantations of Frodo's favorite Witch Doctor, Frist the Magnificent, it was not surprising to learn that the State of Tennessee has lifted the Medical License of Dr. Charles Harlan, the former State Medical Examiner. Now think about this, they lifted the Medical License of a guy who only works on dead bodies. Frodo was aghast thinking about what he must have been doing on those slabs in Nashville.

In truth, Harlan was charged with tampering with evidence, incompetence, and bizarre personal behavior (so far, it sounds a lot like George W. Bush to Frodo). Let's examine a few of these charges before rigor mortis sets in or before CSI comes on.

In 1999, Harlan responded to a request for a confirmation of death notice for a local bank by faxing a piece of paper with the message "M. L. is dead." When a follow-up request for additional data was received, the little kidder responded "M. L. is dead. She is green and has maggots crawling on her." From Frodo's perspective, the information is concise, albeit a bit graphic.

Again in 1999, James Suttle spent a night at the residence of his cousin Steve Hobbs. During the night, Hobbs staggered and fell backward onto a glass-top coffee table. Upon his dispatch to the scene, and before any autopsy, Harlan pronounced Mr Hobbs' death a homicide due to a "stab wound in the back." After five months in jail, Mr. Suttle was found Not Guilty because the defense was able to prove that a rib Hobbs broke in a fight about a week before his death had punctured a lung, causing internal bleeding and a subsequent seizure. Hey, we can't all be perfect, let's be friends, after all, just be glad the case didn't happen in Texas. Former Governor Bush would've fried that sucker.

Harlan's lawyer has argued that forensic pathologists as a group are "different" because they work odd hours and deal with human tragedy on a daily basis. From Frodo's recollection, such a grouping might also include firemen, social workers, grave diggers, bodyguards, dog catchers, actors, and the Senate Majority Leader, to name a few.

Harlan's lawyer also added that "These are not the kind of physicians who become family practitioners or millionaire specialists." It should be noted that there has been a marked increase in the numbers of people studying to become Medical Examiners. Frodo thought that that was because the CSI series of hit TV shows had glorified the job. Perhaps Mr. Harlan's lawyer is on to something after all. Tort reform, remember, means that punitive damages can not exceed $350,000 for a non-working spouse who dies because of negligence or incompetence. Frodo wonders if becoming a Medical Examiner under these circumstances may just be the most non-litigous liable profession in all of Middle Earth.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:08 PM EDT
Updated: Tuesday, May 10, 2005 8:09 PM EDT
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Saturday, April 30, 2005
I'm Gonna Walk You Home
Mood:  spacey
Topic: "Run Forrest, Run"
Frodo has long admired the sheer innocence of the character Forrest Gump. It takes a special person to remain oblivious, and therefore innocent, in all the world. It also takes a certain determination to reach a goal, then to start back and repeat the accomplishment. Innocent determination is what the Australians call, according to Crocodile Dundee, "walkabout."

Jennifer Wilbanks, a resident of Gwinnett County, Georgia has recently experienced "walkabout." Gwinnett County it must be understood is the homeland of reactionary American life. It is the locale where Larry Flynt, the porno publisher, was shot and paralyzed by a still unidentified critic. It is one of the fastest growing counties in America, drawing predominantly Northeasterners tired of high taxes, liberal politics, and "those people." Gwinnett County has also been the largest political unit in America without public transportation. After all, without "those people," nobody needs to ride a bus anyway. Gwinnett County has the longest commute time of any suburban American community, and it is more than 85% Republican.

Frodo passed through Gwinnett County once, but he did not stop.

Anyway, back to Jennifer, a young bride-to-be currently in residence with the young man she was scheduled to marry this very day. It was reported several days ago that Jennifer had not returned from a morning jog. Since more than 600 guests had been invited to the wedding, containing we're told 14 bridesmaids, the disappearance of the bride-to-be did seem noticeable.

The media onslaught began, complete with prayerful on-camera moments by anxious friends and relatives, and picture after picture of the wide-eyed bride-to-be. Dear reader, please note use of the term "wide-eyed." Frodo means to tell you that this lady has eyes the size of golf balls. She stares back from a picture as if she has recently consumed three kilos of crack and a pound of sugar.
Soon the story caught the national press, and people everywhere began to think "Laci Peterson."

Frodo, however, smelled a Forrest Gump. This wide-eyed little representative of the Future Junior Leaguers of Gwinnett County did not have the moral courage to face up to the challenges before her, so she went "walkabout." She caught a bus to Las Vegas, and then thought better of that and high-tailed it to Albuquerque, New Mexico. Somehow she found a telephone (she'd evidently left her cell in the SUV) outside a convenience store, and she called home.

Then, to cover her little heinie, this miscreant alleged that she had been kidnapped. Error,error, error, danger Will Robinson (as Robby the Robot would say), for that now brought the FBI into the picture. Within four hours she admitted to the Special Agents, who had failed to provide George W. Bush with sufficient intelligence (as if anybody could),that she had told a little fib. Now she is heading home to be reunited with her friends, family, and fiancee as the County Sheriff announces that charges will not be filed.

Whoa, big fella! What if little Jennie had been one of "those people" and she had cashed a Social Security check for which she was not entitled? Frodo knows that the good people of Gwinnett County would be making an example of someone who breaks the law and causes the unlawful and unnecessary expenditure of public funds. Jennifer? Oh no, she's a Christian, we'll just forget about the hours and hours of investigative work. She might miss her Sunday School Class.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:05 PM EDT
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Friday, April 29, 2005
Maybe We're Ragged and Funny
Mood:  vegas lucky
Topic: "Brother of the Ring"
Boromir and Frodo have known each other for more than 30 years. On the first day they called each other "Brother." Boromir was raised on a farm in Iowa, and it was always his dream to someday live that life again. His beef cattle farm lies just beyond the Shire in Rivendell. Not all his dreams have been achieved however, for the Viking Horde has never been more than Pretender for the Throne of Super Bowl.

Boromir has always shared Frodo's belief in Fellowship, and many hours have been spent reflecting on the price paid by those who sought to keep the Ring from Sauran. Some years ago, Boromir and the fair Galadriel journeyed to Eriador to holiday among the galleries and to walk the river known as Seine. Boromir enjoyed the Louvre for sure, but the train that ran to the Coast was too tempting for a Man of Gondor.

Frodo's friend entered the American Cemetery at Normandy, which stands above the beaches that hosted the massive invasion. "I walked among the stones in all their simple elegance, and the first one that caught my eye was a boy from Iowa," so said Frodo's friend. How striking that Frodo and Boromir would speak of one the age of our fathers as a "boy." How metaphysical a thought that that life had ended in youth as perhaps he were a son. How humbling the concept that in a prior existence, Frodo and Boromir may have fallen on that very plain.

A few days after the fighting ceased on those beaches, a correspondent from Indiana named Ernie Pyle wrote a dispatch about what he had seen. He wrote that amongst the refuse that cluttered his path he found a small Bible, and inside there was the name of an American soldier. Pyle carried the Bible with him as he walked for a half-mile or so. Then he stopped and laid the Bible back down in the sand. He wrote these words, "I don't know why I picked it up, and I don't know why I put it down."

Frodo has yet to walk that beach, in this life, but he shall. He will find the stone of that boy from Iowa. Frodo doesn't know why he feels that placing a small Bible at that spot is so important, but it is.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:58 PM EDT
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Thursday, April 28, 2005
Bird, Bird, Bird is the Word
Mood:  lucky
Topic: "Black Gold, Texas Tea"
The last documented sighting of an Ivory-Billed Woodpecker took place before Frodo was born (it also occurred before the end of his Mother's first trimester, but that is a subject for another time). Last year, after a reported sighting, a team of scientists took off for the Atchafalaya River Basin in Louisiana to verify the existence of a creature believed to be extinct. That unsuccessful expedition has been supplemented by the documented sighting last month in the Cache River Wilderness in Eastern Arkansas.

Frodo has often thought about hiding places. When he was in school, roads leading away from the Shire were designated as "emergency escape routes" in the event of an atomic bomb threat. Today, those same roads are parking lots from one end to the other, and the solutions of fifty years ago now fall to the new, improved Department of Homeland Security. The collective future is quite bleak, even with duct tape and cellophane. If Frodo were an Ivory-Billed Woodpecker, he could fly to some remote location in search of refuge, but where?

The Atchafalaya Basin of Louisiana was a logical choice, until Huey Long built elevated roadways, allowing Texans to escape their little bit of living Hell. They brought their guns, their gas-guzzlers, and their children without necks to every available spit of dry land. No Ivory-Billed Woodpecker in his right mind would tarry in that vicinity.

Eastern Arkansas was a logical choice, basically because nobody ever heard of the place until some "red state partisan" started complaining about skullduggery at something called "Whitewater." Soon the area slipped back into anonymity, and that allowed the Ivory-Billed Woodpecker to set up housekeeping and commencing a search for ants, caterpillars, and other Ivory-Billed Woodpeckers who would not offend the sanctity of Marriage.

There remains a concern, however, and it involves those morons from Texas. It seems we've developed a shortage of fossil fuels, and we haven't felt sufficient priority to develop replaceable alternatives. Nearly every Wildlife refuge within spitting distance apparently sits atop a geologically undisturbed quart of crude oil. Our gallant leader, who just happens to hail from Texas, doesn't seem worried about the threat to a bird of any kind.

"Bird? Boy, we got birds all over Texas. There's Lady Bird, and there's Lynda Bird, and all sorts of birds, and we've drilled all over the place, and they don't seem at all bothered by the oil rigs."

Sigh, life would've been so much better today if the Alamo had been in Vancouver. Bush would be President of Canada.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:52 PM EDT
Updated: Thursday, April 28, 2005 9:03 PM EDT
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Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Devil With a Blue Dress On
Mood:  suave
Topic: "QVC and Dorothy"
Not until Ted Turner colorized movies produced in black-and-white did Frodo have any concern about picture tint prior to Cinemascope. It would not take a rocket scientist to correctly assume that yellow was the dominant hue in the "yellow brick road" of THE WIZARD OF OZ. Frodo never really wondered about the color of Dorothy's hair, her dress, or even her eyes. Some things were simply subordinate to the story itself.

Judy Garland wore a plain "jumper" over a blouse, with socks and at least two pairs of shoes throughout the classic film. Ted Turner divulged the secret that the Depression-era dress was an off shade of blue, nearly gray. Frodo thought it was an inappropriate fashion statement, simply because the starkness of black-and-white better portrayed the bleak Kansas landscape.

Today the actual dress was put up for auction at Christie's. For all his wisdom and insight into humanity, it is quite clear that when it comes to fashion, Frodo don't know squat. Dear reader, take a guess at how much the winning bid was for this simple dress?


George W. Bush is the first American President to receive an annual salary greater than the sales price of Dorothy's dress. In Frodo's humble opinion, the dress is a better buy.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:27 PM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, April 27, 2005 8:31 PM EDT
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Tuesday, April 26, 2005
The World is Full of Wondrous Things It's True
Mood:  cool
Topic: "A Code in My Node"
Sam is losing a battle in sinus cavities. Despite the deployment of sufficient chemical weaponry to have truly justified the Iraqi incursion, noble Sam is a Spartan at the Bridge of Thermopylae. The malaise which accompanies this plague gives Sam the appearance of Jimmy Carter, wrapped in a sweater in front of a fireplace, trying to reason with the unreasonable. There is no solution, seven percent or otherwise.

If George W. Bush really wanted to do something to establish his legacy, he would not be wasting his time trying to convince people that he has a better idea for Social Security. By the same token, he would scotch all discussion of another manned trip to some heavenly body. If he really had a clue, he would summon all his medical practitioners, including the magical Dr. Frist, and instruct them to cure the common cold.

Could you imagine the benefit to mankind, and to the restoration of American standing around the world? People might honestly forget about the incompetence, the negligence, the deception, the lawlessness, the arrogance, the stupidity, the malice, the mismanagement, the bigotry, the pain if he simply had the good sense to do something for everyone, not just for his own ego.

There are Hobbits who believe that the pharmaceutical companies have conspired with the Administration to prevent the implementation of this medical geophysical effort. The loss of income to these corporate entities would mean a significant reduction in their financial support as contributors. If that is true, then Sam may be in a terminal situation.

Imagine, if you will, that someday a social paleontoligist comes across documentary evidence in some forgotten floppy disks in the belly of the Archives, that every analgesic product developed after 1970 was structured to maintain nausea rather than end it. All of these decongestants and antihistamines were designed to continue suffering, not shorten it. Just imagine.

Wonder if anybody ever developed a hangover remedy in Crawford?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:44 PM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, April 27, 2005 8:03 PM EDT
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