Topic: "Run Forrest, Run"
Frodo has long admired the sheer innocence of the character Forrest Gump. It takes a special person to remain oblivious, and therefore innocent, in all the world. It also takes a certain determination to reach a goal, then to start back and repeat the accomplishment. Innocent determination is what the Australians call, according to Crocodile Dundee, "walkabout."
Jennifer Wilbanks, a resident of Gwinnett County, Georgia has recently experienced "walkabout." Gwinnett County it must be understood is the homeland of reactionary American life. It is the locale where Larry Flynt, the porno publisher, was shot and paralyzed by a still unidentified critic. It is one of the fastest growing counties in America, drawing predominantly Northeasterners tired of high taxes, liberal politics, and "those people." Gwinnett County has also been the largest political unit in America without public transportation. After all, without "those people," nobody needs to ride a bus anyway. Gwinnett County has the longest commute time of any suburban American community, and it is more than 85% Republican.
Frodo passed through Gwinnett County once, but he did not stop.
Anyway, back to Jennifer, a young bride-to-be currently in residence with the young man she was scheduled to marry this very day. It was reported several days ago that Jennifer had not returned from a morning jog. Since more than 600 guests had been invited to the wedding, containing we're told 14 bridesmaids, the disappearance of the bride-to-be did seem noticeable.
The media onslaught began, complete with prayerful on-camera moments by anxious friends and relatives, and picture after picture of the wide-eyed bride-to-be. Dear reader, please note use of the term "wide-eyed." Frodo means to tell you that this lady has eyes the size of golf balls. She stares back from a picture as if she has recently consumed three kilos of crack and a pound of sugar.
Soon the story caught the national press, and people everywhere began to think "Laci Peterson."
Frodo, however, smelled a Forrest Gump. This wide-eyed little representative of the Future Junior Leaguers of Gwinnett County did not have the moral courage to face up to the challenges before her, so she went "walkabout." She caught a bus to Las Vegas, and then thought better of that and high-tailed it to Albuquerque, New Mexico. Somehow she found a telephone (she'd evidently left her cell in the SUV) outside a convenience store, and she called home.
Then, to cover her little heinie, this miscreant alleged that she had been kidnapped. Error,error, error, danger Will Robinson (as Robby the Robot would say), for that now brought the FBI into the picture. Within four hours she admitted to the Special Agents, who had failed to provide George W. Bush with sufficient intelligence (as if anybody could),that she had told a little fib. Now she is heading home to be reunited with her friends, family, and fiancee as the County Sheriff announces that charges will not be filed.
Whoa, big fella! What if little Jennie had been one of "those people" and she had cashed a Social Security check for which she was not entitled? Frodo knows that the good people of Gwinnett County would be making an example of someone who breaks the law and causes the unlawful and unnecessary expenditure of public funds. Jennifer? Oh no, she's a Christian, we'll just forget about the hours and hours of investigative work. She might miss her Sunday School Class.