Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Friday, October 28, 2005

Bells Will Ring, The Sun Will Shine
Mood:

happy
Topic: "One Down, More Comin'"
When Robert Novak reported the name of an individual whom the CIA considered to be a covert employee, and whom he identified as an employee of the CIA, a technical violation of law took place. The CIA identified the problem to the Department of Justice, and requested that they investigate.

The law itself specifies that the disclosure must have occurred within 5 years of overseas service by the covert employee.

Valerie Plame, in 1998, was working in a clandestine setting as an agent of the CIA in Boston, Massachusetts. The disclosure of her identity took place in 2003. Falling within the time-frame specified by law, although not stationed overseas, Ms. Plame was still considered by the CIA to be a covert employee.

Assume, dear reader, for a moment that a covert employee has been overseas for a decade, and has finally come home. For however long might be necessary that employee will be de-briefed relative to information collected. At the same time, the contacts developed by this hypothetical will remain where they are, as confidential sources in a foreign land. Should Robert Novak, in the first week the employee is being de-briefed, for whatever reason, identify the employee, would he not be guilty of disclosure? Would not the safety of the foreign confidential sources be placed in jeopardy? Would not the utility of the covert employee forever be destroyed?

It costs lots of money to train a covert employee. It takes a long time to establish a covert employee. It takes the cooperation of lots of people to make a covert employee effective. All of this is done because it is important and it is necessary.

Frodo has a point to what has been written herein. In most of the world, and for the most of times, Robert Novak would have been placed against a wall and shot. "Scooter" Libby would, as one of the sources of information to Novak, stand against the same wall and suffer the same fate. Novak told the Special Prosecutor that he had more than one source.

Frodo almost gagged when he heard Sauron praise the efforts of "Scooter" Libby during "challenging times." Perhaps he would be well-advised to first ask "Scooter" to write the Citizens of Middle Earth a check for the fiscal cost. Then again, "well-advised" seems to be the whole problem, doesn't it? We all should first be grateful that, to the best of our knowledge, no innocent people died because they helped our country.

It is a bright and sunny day when a man leaves office who has brought dishonor to our flag, our Constitution, and to the men and women who serve us, in whatever capacity. Let us hope that Sauron doesn't want to give him a Medal, too.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:15 PM EDT

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Thursday, October 27, 2005

I Don't Want to Work, I Want to Bang on The Drum All Day
Mood:

rushed
Topic: "Give Us Your Tired. . ."
When Frodo was very small he first heard the term "migrant worker." Over time he learned that people from foreign lands came to the Shire to pick apples. That was just after they picked lettuce to the south, and before they picked cranberries to the north. Through the window from his seat in the rear of the motorcar piloted by his father Frodo saw the buildings, most often empty, where the "migrant worker" lived while they picked apples in the Shire. Frodo never remembers making any contact with them, so Frodo never knew whether they were happy, or sad, or if they even liked apples.

One evening while television was still new, and a projection in various shades of gray, Frodo saw a special report on the "migrant worker," and if memory serves him correctly it was called "Harvest of Shame." Frodo didn't have anything to be ashamed of, but he did recognize that some of the people in the report were from the same strange-sounding places as the people he had seen through the window from the back seat of his father's motorcar.

Now, many years later, Frodo hears different words applied to people from strange-sounding places who seemingly arrive as if by magic in lots of communities to do all kinds of work. These people are pulling the feathers off of chickens, and they are pounding nails into the roofs of homes under construction. These people are cleaning bathrooms in motels, and they are working in furniture factories. Some of them are also picking apples, grapes, oranges, tomatoes, and some of them do something different every day.

Frodo has often wondered if those people he saw through the window from the back seat of his father's motorcar were "illegal aliens?" Frodo always believed that his father would never tolerate anything illegal, so he has always been sure that "illegal aliens" is a relatively recent invention. "Probably," he thought, "the illegal aliens saw the 'migrant worker' come back to their homes in those strange-sounding places with lots of money and wonderful stories of how nice people were in the Shire."

Frodo's friend Boromir is very talented in ways that Frodo cannot imagine. When Boromir finished his work at Mount Doom, he decided to apply those talents to a new living. For a while Boromir would buy old houses, fix them up, and sell them. He could do all of the work involved, but all alone it took him a long time. Frodo is unable to this day to convince a nail to enter into the wood on a straight plane, so he was not of assistance to his friend. Boromir placed ads in newspapers for helpers, but no one applied. Finally, he noticed the "day laborers" who gathered in the city square each day. In desperation he asked if any of them wanted to work with him. No one spoke English. In a mixture of sign language and shouting Boromir was able to strike a deal with one of the "day laborers," to be paid by the hour in cash. That meant that the "day laborers" would not have to account to any government to be taxed on what he earned while working for Boromir.

Boromir had no choice. He needed the help, and he had no one else willing to assist him. Each day, the routine was the same and the "day laborers," generally a different guy each day, would work hard all day, do a good job, and then go his own way.

Boromir sought out his friend Frodo, because he knew that the rules were being broken. He asked Frodo if what he was doing was truly wrong. Frodo knew that the "day laborers" were probably the "illegal immigrants" of which he had heard. He knew now that individually they were the "migrant worker" he had seen out of the window from the back seat of his father's motorcar. Frodo knew that Boromir was torn by virtue and by necessity.

Many believe that Boromir is the problem, and that he should not engage "illegal immigrants" at any juncture. Frodo believes that people who think that way do not have any apples to be picked.

Many believe that Boromir should pay higher wages and thereby more easily find legal workers. Frodo believes that people who think that way do not worry about having enough money to pay what was promised.

Boromir eventually gave up his enterprise. The "day laborers" still gather in the city square, and apples hang from the trees in the Shire. In a strange-sounding place a newborn enters the world, and someone who looks a lot like Frodo peers out of the window from the back seat of his father's motorcar.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:00 PM EDT

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Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Splish, Splash, I Was Taking a Bath
Mood:

cheeky
Topic: "Trojans?"
On the 23rd of November the largest aquarium in the world will open to the general public. The good people of Oregon, a land somewhere beyond Eriador, are sending a great gift to those of us in the Shire to commemorate this event. Oz, a 5-year-old sea otter, will arrive in time for the grand opening.

Sea otters were once found from Baja to Alaska, but unlimited hunting for their luxurious fur reduced the total number to only 13 small colonies by 1911. The fur of the sea otter contains approximately 1 million hairs per square inch, as compared to the 100,000 total number of hairs on the head of a Hobbit (Frodo notes that by definition his personal mane will never again be qualified as "luxurious"). Oz, however, is the very first sea otter to have been conceived, born and raised by its mother in a zoo or aquarium. All those born before him died in infancy.

Each year on his birthday, January 3rd, the community of Portland has held a birthday party for Oz. His name, derived from "Oregon Zoo," signified his importance to this land so very far from the Shire. Frodo naturally assumed that this great gift was extended for a greater purpose, since Oz will share quarters with a female sea otter from the Denver aquarium. Frodo is confused by the truth.

There are no plans to breed Oz and his female habitat mate, and Oz is being given a "form" of birth control.

Excuse me? A "form" of birth control? For the male of the species? Are we talking "Otterectomy," or perhaps some form of behaviorally adjusted rhythm to the method?

Frodo used to enjoy those scenes on "Animal Planet," apparently where the sea otters float on their backs amidst the floating kelp, and pound abalone shells against the stones perched on their bellies. At least that is what Frodo thought was happening. How incredibly ingenious Oz must be to deftly remove the little condom from its' package, and to stretch it out and unroll it over his little Willy all while floating on his back. "Animal Planet" will never seem the same, but Frodo is looking forward to watching Oz perform in or out of captivity.

What else will there be to do when you've finished off your frozen fish for the day?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:43 PM EDT

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Monday, October 24, 2005

From This Valley They Say You Are Going
Mood:

chillin'
Topic: "Help Wanted"
As a public service and in an effort to improve the efficiency of the United States Government, Frodo offers the following WANT ADS, free-of-charge, to the appropriate employer of record.

Chief of Staff, Office of the Vice President, Executive Branch, The White House, Washington D.C.--must be American citizen. Position requires professional compositional experience in fiction. Incumbent must be able to make mountains out of molehills in support of born liar. Incumbent will be expected to discourage journalistic integrity. Prefer individual with sophmoric nickname. No Veterans' preference will be granted to applicants. Position provides transitional opportunity to major government contracting corporate entity. Call 202-212-1112, ask for "Buffalo Bob."

Principal Adviser, Office of the President, Executive Branch, The White House, Washington D.C.--Visa not required. Position requires total absence of personality. Incumbent will be expected to obfuscate the facts regarding any situation. Incumbent will be expected to "stragetize" without regard to morality or other non-essential activities in behalf of American "bidness." Prefer individual who knows all the words to "Melancholy Baby." Position provides frequent travel to rural dude ranch and to staged public speeches in all-white settings. Call 202-212-1111, ask for "Howdy Doody."

Frodo volunteers to compose additional WANT ADS based on the findings of the Special Prosecutor, and the American people, who finally seem to have extricated their collective heads from their butts.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:55 PM EDT

Updated: Tuesday, October 25, 2005 8:44 PM EDT

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Thursday, October 20, 2005

Workin' in a Coal Mine, Goin' Downtown Now
Mood:

hungry
Topic: "The Brotherhood Begins"
Frodo first knew Boromir, Legolas, Gimli, and the other members of the Fellowship before he knew of the Ring or the evil Sauron. In carefree days, when we were soldiers of another kind, there were many reasons to explore the capital of our nation. The best reason was to sample the fare which an active metabolism allows. Best of all these was "Senate Bean Soup."

Gimli was the most stately of the group, with a wit as sharp as a bladeaxe and the willingness to swing for the knees. Leading the group into the bowels beneath the US Capitol to the cafeteria reserved for Members of Congress and their staff, Gimli would strike a pontifical pose. Walking past the guards, as if he truly belonged there, he would engage Boromir in a discussion regarding the merit to "The Gulf of Tonkin Resolution." Legolas would take off on Tax policy as the Fellowship descended on the cafeteria line, plunked down their $1 bills, and watched as the delightful soup was ladled into an "Official" US Senate bowl. The guards were easily fooled.

Frodo learned from his friend to always enter as if he owned the joint, and to strike a shocked pose if challenged. It has served Frodo well.

In those days, before there were Hobbits, Men of Gondor, and Riders of Rohan, Frodo knew this group as Arlin, John, and Mike. Occasionally we would be joined by others, but the Fellowship of the Ring remained united. On one memorable occasion, the founding Director of the FBI, J. Edgar Hoover, had finally died, and the nation was masking its' mirth by laying his body in state in the Capitol Rotunda. It was a festive atmosphere that drew us from our labours at Mount Doom. We decided that the best place to "star gaze" was at the rear of the Capitol where the limousines unloaded.

Standing amidst the throng of tourists, who come to Washington as if they were swallows seeking Capistrano, we were joined by an interloper known as Jerry. We stood silently as the tourists around us stared expectantly at each approaching limousine. The whispering speculation as to the identity of each somber countenance was too much for Frodo to stand. When the first limousine emptied Frodo announced in a loud tone that that was "John Connolly, Secretary of the Treasury." Immediately the whispering grew feverish as cameras flashed and tourists fell over each other trying to get a look at the stumblebum from Texas (Republic of Mexico).

As the second limousine pulled up the crowd grew silent, staring straight ahead, but with ears cocked to Frodo. He announced "That is John Mitchell, Attorney General." The buzzing was akin to a million hornets as tourists addressed each other as if now they were Washington Insiders.

Mike and Jerry could stand it no more, for tolerance to tourists is not something which Washingtonians inherit from their parents. It is an acquired quality, if ever acquired. The two of them walked down to the actual entrance in order to enter the Rortunda, and, of course, that sent the accumulated tourists to gaggle.

Slowly, the entire crowd turned to Frodo to identify the unidentified walking in a most dignified manner. With all his pomposity Frodo boomed, "That is Mike and Jerry." The tourists cocked their heads one to another and the speculation grew rampant until one finally happened upon the names of Mike Mansfield and Jerry Ford. As a group they turned to where Frodo had been, only to notice the space abandoned, and their tourguide in absentia. To this day Frodo knows that some of those tourists have photographs of Mike and Jerry which they proudly share with family and friends as candid photos of the Senate Majority Leader and the House Minority Leader.

Frodo, Boromir, Legolas, and Gimli gathered in the Senate cafeteria, and laughed in the way that only those full of hopes and dreams can laugh. The soup was great, the fellowship was real.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:22 PM EDT

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Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Rubber Ducky, You're The One
Mood:

silly
Topic: "Goose Again"
Frodo is unable to recall the first time that he saw a Canadian Goose. They were virtually unknown in the Shire for many years. Tales of mates lingering for days over the body of the fallen were romantic stories told by children and published in THE READER'S DIGEST. Today, of course, the Canadian Goose has reached epidemic numbers, and since every adult produces approximately one pound of goose poop per day, a bit of a sanitary problem as well. Ah but, the problems of the Shire pale in comparison to those of Ulf Ilback and his son Carl Johan (Ilback) of Sweden.

Mr. Ilback and his son were hunting along a stream in the eastern part of their homeland when Carl Johan fired a shot aloft at a wayward Canadian Goose. Falling from approximately 60 feet in the air, it hit Ulf in the head and knocked him out cold (which goes without saying in Sweden). Two days later, when Ulf awoke, he was heard to say that "It wanted to extract its revenge, I assume. If such is indeed the case, then I shall surely wear a helmet next month when I go Moose hunting."

Frodo truly hopes that Mr. Ilback recovers fully from his injuries. Had this goose occurred in the US of A Frodo fears that the story would have expanded to match the population.

Given America's present leadership, Frodo envisions Wayne LaPierre of the National Rifle Association suggesting protective tax benefits for injured hunters. Charlton Heston, if he had a mind to (and for that comment Frodo truly apologizes), would probably say that no goose would ever pull the rifle from "these cold, dead hands." The Secretary of Homeland Obscurity would declare a "yellow alert," and President Bush would read a speech promoting the drilling of oilwells in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

It just goes to show you, dear reader, that if even a single goose can put you in the hospital, then a handful can put you in deep doo-doo.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:28 PM EDT

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Tuesday, October 18, 2005

I Was Waltzin' With My Darlin'
Mood:

special
Topic: "Queen of Memphis"
Frodo turned the rearview mirror on his motorcar so that he was unable to see behind him. "Why did you do that, Mr. Frodo?," asked Sam. "Because I do not care to ever lay eyes upon that place again," said Frodo as they entered onto the Interstate Highway heading East, away from Memphis.

Robert Hanson was the radio operator on a B-17 that flew 25 combat missions over Germany and Occupied France. He was the last surviving member of the crew that flew a plane known as the "Memphis Belle." At age 85, Mr. Hanson passed away last week from congestive heart failure.

The "Memphis Belle" was hit by flak, cannon shells, and machine gun bullets while she racked up over 148 hours of flight time, and dropped more than 60 tons of bombs. Every major part of the airplane was replaced at least once, and four of her crew members died during combat.

Frodo is ashamed that he cannot immediately recall the name of each of those crew members. Perhaps it is enough that he remembers the "Memphis Belle," and recognizes the one good thing that registers in his mind when he thinks of that mosquito haven on the Mississippi.

Mr. Hanson, according to friends, was very fond of ending telephone conversations in the same manner as his on-air sign off in Morse Code. Instead of something pithy, he would simply say "dit, dit, dit, dah, dit, dah."

To you gallant Sir, "dit, dit, dit, dah, dit, dah," and Thank You.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:55 PM EDT

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Monday, October 17, 2005

Write Me a Letter Soon, And I'll be Homeward Bound
Mood:

amorous
Topic: "Bang the Drum Slowly"
Judith Miller looks like one of those women whose head was shaved for fraternizing with German troops during the occupation of Paris. "Scooter" Libby, dressed in green, looks like someone who has just been called "Herr Wachtmeister" by a White House Intern. Frodo believes that the two of them have been conducting an illicit relationship. Miller has disguised the affair by publishing articles supportive of the Administration. Libby, of course, was the source. Libby disguised his true involvement by reporting back to his boss, the Vice President of the United States, in order to document his efforts to discredit Administration critics.

Judith Miller spent 85 days in jail. Scooter wrote her letters in which he hoped she would soon be free to see the trees in the West that she so truly loved. Frodo notes that Vice President Cheney is from Wyoming, and that there are lots of trees there.

No pictures of Scooter and his immediate family have been presented by print or visual media. In fact, the few pictures that do exist seem to feature Scooter all alone, and none are relatively recent. Frodo notes that it would therefore be much more difficult for hotel employees to recall seeing him with Miller, or anyone else for that matter.

Frodo notes also that the editorial management of the NEW YORK TIMES, which is the employer of record for Ms. Miller, has been noticeably reticent in its' responsibility to control the former winner of a Pulitzer Prize. Acting with a very long leash, if you will, Ms. Miller may also have been spreading a few favors in the direction of one or two of those guys.

Frodo decided that these coincidental facts required true investigative effort. Cloaking himself as he did before entering Mordor, Frodo strolled past the guard gate on Pennsylvania Avenue and entered the West Wing of the White House. He walked past Mary Matalin's office, and saw Dick Cheney picking his nose. Then he was there, directly in front of the strangely silent Libby Alcove. Frodo walked to Libby's desk and opened the lap drawer.

It is there, dear reader, for Frodo saw it with his own eyes. A blue dress.

Frodo took a piece of paper from his pocket and scribbled down a telephone number. He pinned the note to the front of the stained garment. Frodo closed the lap drawer and strolled out of the White House in the same manner as he entered. When out on Pennsylvania Avenue again he removed his cloak and whistled a happy tune as he strolled toward the Washington Monument.

Standing on the Mall, looking first to the Capitol, and then to the Lincoln Memorial, Frodo grinned. "I wonder," he said "what Scooter will say when that telephone is answered by Linda Tripp?"

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:53 PM EDT

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Thursday, October 13, 2005

People Get Ready There's a Train A'Comin'
Mood:

caffeinated
Topic: "Bushenomics"
Some questions are not asked, because they are impolite. Some statements are not made, because they are impertinent. Questions not asked, theories not aired--sounds like a Press Conference at the White House! What follows are hypothetical questions from "Crack White House Analyst" Frodo to "Cracked White House Resident" Bush, and hypothetical responses.

"Mr. President, the cumulative Federal Deficit is at its highest level in American History. The overwhelming majority of that deficit was created during the one term served by your father as President, and during your nearly five years in office as President. Isn't it true that the growth of the deficit has been intentional?"

"Yes, that is correct."

"A follow-up Sir, isn't it true that the intentional swelling of the deficit is a strategic effort to eliminate, or at least emasculate, discretionary spending items from the Federal Budget?"

"Yes, that is correct. It is also an effort to substantially reduce the tax burden on the American people."

"Pardon me for following up again Sir, but can you explain this strategy to the American people?"

"Surely, and thank you for giving me the opportunity. It has long been the desire of those of us with a conservative approach to want to limit the size of government. The only way to defeat the "political" and "pork" decisions which swell the budget is to take away the availability of money. By borrowing so heavily at this time, we recognize that, soon, the debt will have to be repaid. After taking out just enough money to provide for our national security and defense, the remainder of all other government income would go to satisfy the bonds purchased by those who actually lent us the money which created the deficit. In that way, we wean the American people off of relying on the government."

"Please Sir, and thank you, but we need to know what happens to food stamps, to housing assistance, to Medicare, to flood insurance, to student loans, to any of those things which government, at its' discretion, does to help those who are most vulnerable in our society?"

"People must learn to provide for themselves and their families, and they should not expect government to provide for them. In this approach we can substantially reduce taxes once the debt is paid, and we can allow the American people to keep even more of their hard earned money."

"Thank you Mr. President"

"Thank you Mr. Frodo."

"Neanderthal"

"Asshole."

"Herbert Hoover."

"Franklin Roosevelt."

"Yo Mama."

"Pussy."

"Drunk."

"Hippie."

"Reactionary."

"Communist."

"Moron."

"Homo."

"Liar."

"Well, let's give some others a chance. Any other questions?"

"Yes Mr. President, Caspar Milquetoast from Faux News top-rated 'Softball,' and my question is about the Secretary of State. Did she find any bargains on Rodeo Drive when shopping for shoes?"

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:07 PM EDT

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Wednesday, October 12, 2005

If You Think I'm Sexy, Come on Baby, Let Me Know
Mood:

cheeky
Topic: "Sheep and Museums"
Frodo is pleased to announce plans for the opening this coming spring of the $8.3 million "London Academy of Sex and Relationships" adjacent to Piccadilly Circus. The privately funded project has support from sexual health organizations and charities. The sexual "theme park" will be a multimedia attraction whose goal is to teach visitors to become better lovers and to provide information about disease and sexual problems. Developers promise that it will not be a sleazy sex museum.

Rats.

Frodo is, however, proud to carry the ring while others argue. Frodo will gladly offer his services in order to ensure the success of this noble undertaking. In fact, Frodo has compiled a list of interactive exhibits and demonstrations which could prove to be both educational and (ahem) stimulating.

Frodo could demonstrate the one-handed, sightless, behind-the-back manipulation of clasps, while reclining in the seat of a 1960 Rambler Station Wagon.

Frodo could also suggest a number of tried and true pick-up lines, including such time-honored family favorites as "Hi, I understand you've been waiting for me? My name is Mister Right." When working in tandem with a buddy one of the most productive was "Hi, this is my friend Thad, who, in turn, will introduce me." In truth, that which always worked best was "Gee, it's too bad the Lamborghini is in the shop, you'd love the ride out to the yacht."

Would it surprise you, dear reader, to know that Frodo is a Scorpio? So is Sam.

Best of all Frodo could make himself available in any of the potential segments of the park. You know, "Fantasyland,""Adventureland,""Tomorrowland," and quite probably "Yesterdayland." Oh well, what else is there to do in London? The food sucks.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:17 PM EDT

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