Where Seldom is Heard a Discouraging Word
Mood:
chatty
Topic: "One Act Play"
"Before we begin our regular Cabinet Meeting, I'd like to introduce a special guest. Mr. Frodo is here at the suggestion of the White House Communications Director, Mr. McClellan. You all know Mr. McClellan, don't you?"
All heads nod.
"Well, Mr. McClellan has been following Mr. Frodo's 'blog,' and has found it to be very critical of us. By the way, ya'll do know what a 'blog' is, don't ya?"
All heads nod.
"Well, Mr. Frodo here, and if you would Mr. Frodo please sit up straight. Being as small as you are some of the Cabinet may have trouble seeing you. Have we got some telephone books for Mr. Frodo?"
All faces smile.
A United States Marine brings in the A-L portion of the New York Metro White pages.
"There that's better, kin ya'll see him now?"
All heads nod.
"As I was sayin', Mr. Frodo here is going to ask us to respond to some of the criticisms being made of our Administration, and he has promised to publish our responses in his widely-disseminated 'blog.' Mr. Frodo, according to Mr. McClellan, now ya'll do know who McClellan is, right?"
All heads nod.
"Mr. Frodo, we're told is an honorable and brave Hobbit whose major concern is that the weakest and most vulnerable are fairly represented. We all understand that, since I am the (Trumpet Sounds from off-stage) 'The Compassionate Conservative.'"
All heads nod.
"Mr. Frodo, please ask your first question, and please make use of our precious time?"
"Thank you, Mr. President. I am honored to be here, and I promise that I will be direct, fair, and brief. Mr. President, boxers or briefs? Just kidding."
Silence.
"Mr. Snow, would you respond? The President said during the 2000 campaign that he would simply meet with the OPEC members and negotiate with them to maintain oil prices at the then $25 per barrel in order to keep prices in line during his term as President. Today the price is almost $70 per barrel, and gasoline is more than four times the retail price it was when you, sir, took office."
"Yes, well, the President has met with many members of OPEC and the negotiations are continuing."
All heads nod.
"OK, well let me be a little more specific in my question for Mr. Cheney. Mr. Cheney, you were quoted recently as saying that the Iraqi insurgency is in its' 'last throes.' Yet nearly every military commander on public record has disputed that assertion. Were you misinformed or perhaps, misquoted?"
"By that I mean that based on evidence at my disposal we are witnessing a positive trend to that conclusion."
All heads nod. A Marine entered and delivered a tumbler to the President.
Frodo does not raise his eyes from the paper on the table.
"Mr. Chertoff. With a countless number of helicopters located at Fort Polk, only an hours' flight from New Orleans, why didn't you act to see that they delivered food and water to the people trapped on Interstate 10 in the first several days after Hurricane Katrina struck?"
"Neither the Mayor of New Orleans nor the Governor of Louisiana asked for them."
All heads nod. Chertoff stared daggers. The Marine re-appeared and delivered another tumbler, with ice, to the President.
"Mr. Rumsfeld, sir, does it cause you any personal discomfort that so many of the casualties suffered by US troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have involved inadequate armor on vehicles or the absence of personal body armor?"
Rumsfeld's lower lip touched the tip of his nose, and he said "Our military personnel are sufficient in number and in training. Stuff happens in war, and believe me, stuff does happen."
The Marine removed the first two tumblers from in front of the President, and replaced them with another.
No one else moved.
"Thash a good answer Donnie," said the President. All heads nod.
"Mr Gonzales."
"Lesh make this do as the last question Mishter Frootoe."
"Yes Sir, thank you. Mr. Gonzales, given the indictment of Congressman DeLay, the SEC investigation of Senator Frist, the Special Prosecutor's pending report on the Valerie Plame' disclosure, the replacement of Mr. Brown at FEMA, the legal investigations of Mr. Abramoff and his alleged ties to Mr. DeLay and Ralph Reed and Grover Norquist, shouldn't you, as a member of the Bar, recommend to the President that he retain personal legal counsel?"
No one moved. "Now boy," said the President, "why would Ah need anudder lawyer. I got a million a dem?"
All heads nod.
"Mr. Fruitoes, we've had a real good time, and glad you could join us. You just report back on that 'blog' a yers what we agreed, and have a nice day."
All heads nodded as the Marine scooped up Frodo's papers and ushered him through the doorway. As he pulled the door shut behind him the President was heard to say, "Get me that asshole, whatizname, you know the little bald guy who's alwayus talkin' to reporters. I wanna fire his ass."
Frodo thought about the meeting for a long time after. He wonders to this day who was pulling on all those strings on all those heads. Exit stage left.
Posted by loveysdaddyga
at 9:43 PM EDT
Updated: Sunday, October 2, 2005 9:48 PM EDT
cheeky
don't ask
blue
loud
d'oh
bright
not sure
celebratory
suave