Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Thursday, October 6, 2005

The Night The Lights Went Out in Georgia
Mood:

loud
Topic: "No Peanut Left Behind"
Frodo does not trust politicians. Most of them are lawyers. Many of them come from Texas. Occasionally, as opportunistic as they are, some change parties. The Governor of the State of Georgia is a veterinarian from a rural community whose name reminds one of a product used to clean bathrooms, Bon Air. "Sonny" Perdue is the first Republican elected as Governor in over 130 years. "Sonny" was a Democrat until the tides changed.

After Hurricane Rita, and the threat of oil shortages, Governor Perdue announced that he was requesting each school district to close for two days. He reasoned that by taking two "snow days," thereby idling all school buses, the State would save $225,000 each day in diesel fuel costs.

Many parents went ballistic since the announcement came on a Friday, after business hours, and left little opportunity to arrange childcare. President Bush, made aware of the action, applauded the Governor for his "leadership."

It deserves note that SAT scores among public school students in Georgia rank in a tie for dead-last among all States (Only our toothless friends in South Carolina save Georgia from a richly deserved recognition in futility). Additionally, no other State felt compelled to duplicate the aggressive "leadership" of Governor Perdue.

There the story apparently ends. Oh incorrecto, camel breath. Today the Atlanta Journal & Constitution reported that Lobbyists working in behalf of Agricultural interests in rural Georgia participated in conference calls with the Governor and other leaders. As a result of those telephone calls, the decision was made to request the school closings. What the newspaper discovered was that there was a memo of that telephone call. The memo stated that the Agricultural Lobbyists brought up the figure of $225,000 per day of diesel fuel savings, and that it was crucial that potentially scarce diesel fuel should be diverted to farmers about to harvest crops.

The crops, for the unitiated, are peanuts.

Governor Perdue quickly assailed the newspaper as incompetent in their reporting, since the facts are purely coincidental, and that his decision was not to sacrifice the schools for peanuts. The South Georgia farmers do tend to vote Republican however, and it is well known that teacher unions are still composed of ultra-liberal Communists. Interestingly enough, the Agricultural lobbyists, interviewed on local news stated that the idea for the diversion to the peanut farmers was that of the Governor's "people."

As George W. Bush once said about his good friend "Brownie," that is certainly a great job you're doing there Governor. Frodo hopes you haven't forgotten how to remove a splinter from the hoof of a jackass.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:56 PM EDT

Updated: Friday, October 7, 2005 12:01 AM EDT

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Wednesday, October 5, 2005

Maybe the Last Time, I Don't Know
Mood:

d'oh
Topic: "Boy, I Say Boy"
Activists and Traditionalists are often at one another's throat no matter where they come into contact. Activists look upon Traditionalists as "Headstone Polishers," concerned only with the history and maintenance of the status quo. Traditionalists, on the other hand, see Activists as lobbyists for political purposes and objectives. The conflict is present in governments, churches, homeowners' associations, or wherever groups form. Frodo marvels at how like-minded individuals can become so determined that they destroy that which first brought them together.

One of Frodo's Great Grandfathers served in the Confederate Army. By virtue of birth Frodo was therefore qualified to join an organization known as the "Sons of Confederate Veterans." A bit of research had opened Frodo's eyes to some of his Great Grandfathers' experiences, so he was somewhat interested when contacted by the group soliciting him as a potential member. Getting together with like-minded Hobbits is not a bad thing, and could prove to be educational. His attendance at a single meeting signaled the immortal words of Robby the Robot "Error, error, Danger Will Robinson, danger."

The Traditionalists want to discuss history, military strategy, vignettes about people and things, to maintain historical markers, and to keep parkland clean and accessible. The Activists, on the other hand, want to prove that their ancestors were right, to keep Confederate symbols on flags, and to fight any person who would demean the memory of times gone by.

Nearly all of the members of the Sons of Confederate Veterans are white males somewhere over 50, but generally under 75. There are about 32,000 of them all told. Nearly all live east of the Rockies, and somewhere beneath the geographical location of the never-visited Chicago. They are all interested in the events that transpired roughly between 1861 and 1865.

Given the commonalities, the depth of the struggle for control has produced death threats and, most recently, a legal schism. Now Frodo initially thought this was all about a bunch of old guys who don't get it up much anymore, so they just need to let it all hang out. Unfortunately there are much deeper issues at hand in an organization filled with similarities and absent any diversities.

Frodo's Great Grandfather was a farmer. He lived in an area where there were more rocks than dirt. He never had much, and he certainly didn't have the resources to own any people. He rode his own horse when he joined the 7th Virginia Cavalry, and he carried his own gun. He was "Third Corporal," and he served with several of his brothers in an outfit called the "Shenandoah Rangers."

Frodo knows that on the third day of July, 1863, he rode into a little town in Pennsylvania called Gettysburg.

On the same day, another of Frodo's Great Grandfathers, wearing a blue coat, completed the march, by foot, from his hometown in Ohio into the same small town. On that day that Great Grandfather was wounded. He survived his wounds.

It is possible, although clearly not probable, that the one Great Grandfather, the one in gray, shot the other Great Grandfather, the one in blue. They were on the same battlefield, on the same day, on opposite sides.

Frodo wanted to talk about these kinds of things. The Shire is a land that exists because of men like these, and we Hobbits are who we are because of them. It was clear that the Traditionalists and the Activists had other things on their mind.

Frodo is proud of both his Great Grandfathers. Frodo has no idea what motivated either one, and he has no idea what either truly believed. Frodo loves "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" as well he does the haunting memories of where he was born, "early on a frosty morn." Frodo knows only that after that War they both went home, and Frodo would never do anything or join any group that failed to recognize that is what we all, eventually, must do.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:32 PM EDT

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Tuesday, October 4, 2005

To Fight The Unbeatable Foe
Mood:

bright
Topic: "Why Black Folks Cheered"
Ten years ago Frodo heard the news on the radio. Simpson was "Not Guilty" according to a jury of his peers. Perhaps the voiced opinion which came closest to Frodo's opinion at the time was that the "City and County of Los Angeles was so incompetent that they were unable to frame a guilty man." Not unlike many Citizens of Middle Earth, Frodo was most surprised at the cheering, the jubiliant reaction of nearly every black person he knew. It was inexplicable. A man had gotten away with murder, and people cheered. Perhaps more of the world was Republican than Frodo had ever imagined?

This evening, "Frontline" presented a non-invasive, non-celebratory analysis of what transpired and a somewhat historical perspective on what it all means today. Frodo learned many things from the PBS presentation. It further convinced Frodo that Public Television must be preserved.

The presenters made the case that Orenthal James Simpson was a black man readily accepted into the white man's world. Simpson was accepted because he accumulated all the assets of white America, wealth, celebrity, and the rest. As long as he retained those assets, he would continue to be a part of white America.

The presenters allowed black America to state the opinion that that status is what made the case so spectacular. Simpson lost that status in the eyes of white America when he was accused of the heinous murders of Ronald Goldman and Nicole Brown-Simpson. It was no longer a "white-on-white" crime, it was a black man killing a blonde-haired white woman with all the value-added assets of wealth, celebrity, etc. To black America it was the reality of the fact that one is never more than a "nigger in white man's clothes."

Black folks cheered because it was the first time that one of them played the white man by his own rules, and lived to tell about it.

It was clear that very few Citizens of Middle Earth today believe that Simpson was clearly innocent of the crimes. Many, it seems, believe the verdict was due to the strategic failures of the prosecution, and the inclusion of any participation in the trial by the infamous police detective, Mark Fuhrman. Many also believe that the defense was strategically balanced to discredit the method in which evidence was accumulated, and to challenge its' incorruptibility. Many others still believe the jury was stupid.

Frodo was engaged by the fact that the trial is a centerpiece of classroom discussion in Law Schools throughout the country. Now if Law Schools could only find a way to assimilate "ethics" into their curriculum?

Ten years have passed, and John Edwards had to remind us that we are still "Two Americas." Frodo is ashamed that so many never understood what he meant.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:00 PM EDT

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Monday, October 3, 2005

And so on, And so on, And Scooby-Dooby-Dooby-Dooby
Mood:

not sure
Topic: "Another Single Woman?"
Frodo poses a hypothetical question for hypothetical readers on a hypothetical subject, much in the manner of former (and thank heavens for that) Education Secretary William Bennett. Suppose you were introduced to a Hobbit who was born in New York City, raised in New York City, educated in New York City, employed in New York City, and of course lived in New York City? Would you, oh wordly and sensitive reader, sustain any preconceived notions about that Hobbit even before a single word had been spoken?

The latest name submitted for consideration as an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States was born in Dallas, Texas. She was educated at SMU (the initials of an institution which received the "death penalty" for ethical violations in the conduct of its' football program). She was the President of the "Bar" in Dallas, and her residence is (as you have already anticipated) in that city without trees.

Dallas is the town that killed John Kennedy. The professional football stadium resembles a commode with the lid raised. To purchase a mixed drink a visitor must join a "private club," since public drinking is not permitted. No other large city in America has ever had a prime-time television show entitled solely with its' name, as has "Dallas." Residents of the "Metroplex" have to water the foundation of their homes. It is the home of the Southern Baptist Convention (you know, the guys who boycotted "Disneyland"). And true it is that there are no trees, anywhere.

Frodo has a preconceived notion about anyone who has spent the majority of their life in such a terrible place. He feels the same way about a resident of Dallas as he does about Saddam Hussein, or William Bennett.

Frodo understands that Ms. Miers spent all of her time in the public library in Dallas, and that that is where she first met George W. Bush. He was looking at pictures in THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC (which probably explains his fascination with a certain member of his Administration). Frodo is hopeful that Ms. Miers will develop an affinity for the other "single" on the Court, and that Justice Souter will expose her to his etchings.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:06 PM EDT

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Sunday, October 2, 2005

Where Seldom is Heard a Discouraging Word
Mood:

chatty
Topic: "One Act Play"
"Before we begin our regular Cabinet Meeting, I'd like to introduce a special guest. Mr. Frodo is here at the suggestion of the White House Communications Director, Mr. McClellan. You all know Mr. McClellan, don't you?"

All heads nod.

"Well, Mr. McClellan has been following Mr. Frodo's 'blog,' and has found it to be very critical of us. By the way, ya'll do know what a 'blog' is, don't ya?"

All heads nod.

"Well, Mr. Frodo here, and if you would Mr. Frodo please sit up straight. Being as small as you are some of the Cabinet may have trouble seeing you. Have we got some telephone books for Mr. Frodo?"

All faces smile.
A United States Marine brings in the A-L portion of the New York Metro White pages.
"There that's better, kin ya'll see him now?"
All heads nod.

"As I was sayin', Mr. Frodo here is going to ask us to respond to some of the criticisms being made of our Administration, and he has promised to publish our responses in his widely-disseminated 'blog.' Mr. Frodo, according to Mr. McClellan, now ya'll do know who McClellan is, right?"

All heads nod.

"Mr. Frodo, we're told is an honorable and brave Hobbit whose major concern is that the weakest and most vulnerable are fairly represented. We all understand that, since I am the (Trumpet Sounds from off-stage) 'The Compassionate Conservative.'"

All heads nod.

"Mr. Frodo, please ask your first question, and please make use of our precious time?"

"Thank you, Mr. President. I am honored to be here, and I promise that I will be direct, fair, and brief. Mr. President, boxers or briefs? Just kidding."

Silence.

"Mr. Snow, would you respond? The President said during the 2000 campaign that he would simply meet with the OPEC members and negotiate with them to maintain oil prices at the then $25 per barrel in order to keep prices in line during his term as President. Today the price is almost $70 per barrel, and gasoline is more than four times the retail price it was when you, sir, took office."

"Yes, well, the President has met with many members of OPEC and the negotiations are continuing."

All heads nod.

"OK, well let me be a little more specific in my question for Mr. Cheney. Mr. Cheney, you were quoted recently as saying that the Iraqi insurgency is in its' 'last throes.' Yet nearly every military commander on public record has disputed that assertion. Were you misinformed or perhaps, misquoted?"

"By that I mean that based on evidence at my disposal we are witnessing a positive trend to that conclusion."

All heads nod. A Marine entered and delivered a tumbler to the President.

Frodo does not raise his eyes from the paper on the table.

"Mr. Chertoff. With a countless number of helicopters located at Fort Polk, only an hours' flight from New Orleans, why didn't you act to see that they delivered food and water to the people trapped on Interstate 10 in the first several days after Hurricane Katrina struck?"

"Neither the Mayor of New Orleans nor the Governor of Louisiana asked for them."

All heads nod. Chertoff stared daggers. The Marine re-appeared and delivered another tumbler, with ice, to the President.

"Mr. Rumsfeld, sir, does it cause you any personal discomfort that so many of the casualties suffered by US troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have involved inadequate armor on vehicles or the absence of personal body armor?"

Rumsfeld's lower lip touched the tip of his nose, and he said "Our military personnel are sufficient in number and in training. Stuff happens in war, and believe me, stuff does happen."

The Marine removed the first two tumblers from in front of the President, and replaced them with another.

No one else moved.

"Thash a good answer Donnie," said the President. All heads nod.

"Mr Gonzales."

"Lesh make this do as the last question Mishter Frootoe."

"Yes Sir, thank you. Mr. Gonzales, given the indictment of Congressman DeLay, the SEC investigation of Senator Frist, the Special Prosecutor's pending report on the Valerie Plame' disclosure, the replacement of Mr. Brown at FEMA, the legal investigations of Mr. Abramoff and his alleged ties to Mr. DeLay and Ralph Reed and Grover Norquist, shouldn't you, as a member of the Bar, recommend to the President that he retain personal legal counsel?"

No one moved. "Now boy," said the President, "why would Ah need anudder lawyer. I got a million a dem?"

All heads nod.

"Mr. Fruitoes, we've had a real good time, and glad you could join us. You just report back on that 'blog' a yers what we agreed, and have a nice day."

All heads nodded as the Marine scooped up Frodo's papers and ushered him through the doorway. As he pulled the door shut behind him the President was heard to say, "Get me that asshole, whatizname, you know the little bald guy who's alwayus talkin' to reporters. I wanna fire his ass."

Frodo thought about the meeting for a long time after. He wonders to this day who was pulling on all those strings on all those heads. Exit stage left.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:43 PM EDT

Updated: Sunday, October 2, 2005 9:48 PM EDT

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Thursday, September 29, 2005

Ooee Baby, Ooee, Won't You Let me Take You on a Sea Cruise
Mood:

celebratory
Topic: "Kirk Saves Nemo"
Chichijima is an island about 600 miles off the southeastern Japanese coast. In September of 2004, at a depth of 3000 feet, a predator was photographed hundreds of times, struggling to free herself from a baited trap. The struggle for freedom was so intense that the predator severed part of her body as she escaped. The hundreds of pictures and the severed tentacle were recovered and displayed in the current edition of the British journal "Proceedings of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences." They document the first visions of the predator in her natural habitat. The "Giant Squid" of Greek mythology and Jules Verne had eluded scientific documentation all this time.

Frodo is ahead of the game. Frodo went to High School with a "Giant Squid," and his name was Gordon Sayre. "Giant Squid" went on to the United States Military Academy at West Point, and has subsequently disappeared from public scrutiny.

Frodo often thinks about the other "Giant Squid" characters in his life. There was Talbot "Ty" Harper, with whom Frodo shared an unfortunate trek through a pasture inhabited by over 50 less than pleasant bulls. Cindy Duncan was the girl, honestly, wearing pigtails, who first made Frodo's heart flutter. Ben Putman was the rock-ribbed Conservative who guided Frodo on his first days of full-time employment. Randy Dorsey stood for Frodo on his Wedding Day. St. Clair Carr lifted Frodo into the air after he scored a winning basket.

How do we lose people? Are some moments merely photographs, and not meant to be a part of anything but mythology? Frodo tells stories of those who are no longer known in his life, much like a tentacle lost in a desperate struggle. Kirk Douglas' character probably thought the same about the character played by James Mason.

Frodo wishes the Japanese scientists had left well enough alone.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:22 PM EDT

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Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Will You Still Need Me, Will You Still Feed Me
Mood:

suave
"It's Jim Beam or me," said Laura Bush to her husband. The ultimatum, according to the NATIONAL ENQUIRER, has been re-instated since the First Lady caught the President drinking the night the levees broke in New Orleans. The First Lady has subsequently vowed to travel with the President more often so she can keep an eye on him to prevent him from completely "falling off the wagon." Dr. Justin Frank, a Washington D.C. psychiatrist and author of "Bush on the Couch: Inside the Mind of the President," told the NATIONAL ENQUIRER "I do think that Bush is drinking again. Alcoholics who are not in any program, like the President, have a hard time when stress gets to be great. I think it's a concern that Bush disappears during times of stress. He spends so much time on his ranch. It's very frightening." Another source, not identified by the NATIONAL ENQUIRER is quoted as saying "I'm only surprised to hear he hadn't taken a shot sooner. Before Katrina, he was at his wit's end. I've known him for years. He's been a good ol' Texas boy forever. George had a drinking problem for years that most professionals would say needed therapy. He doesn't believe in it, he never got it. . .Everyone's drinking around him." Frodo has averred the continuation of drinking by the President ever since the "heart flutter" which caused him to collapse and darken his eye when he fell against a chair. It was reported at the time that the President had been in a room, all alone, watching football on TV, and eating pretzels when he fell. Frodo has never met anyone who was able to eat pretzels without something to wash them down with. The absence of any beverage being discussed was the giveaway. It should be noted, out of fairness, that the same issue of the NATIONAL ENQUIRER also carried articles entitled "Jen Falls for Brad Clone," "Britney Sells Baby for $6M," and "Kenny Chesney's Not Gay." At least none of the articles implied that Space Aliens had impregnated anyone, at least in this issue. Frodo attempted to contact the White House Press Secretary in order to seek his comment prior to posting, but not very hard. Frodo thinks that guy is a dweeb.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:31 PM EDT

Updated: Wednesday, September 28, 2005 9:47 PM EDT

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Tuesday, September 27, 2005

I Don't Care if it Rains or Freezes
Mood:

crushed out
Topic: "Little Sky"
Joe Montana was known as "Big Sky." Although he was neither Frodo's favorite player, nor even a member of a team he particularly liked, he did beat the Dallas Cowboys a lot, and that made him a good guy to Frodo. "Big Sky" must have been a big hero to a family named Mazurkiewicz.

Montana Mazurkiewicz was born in 1995. 10 years later he was dying with an inoperable brain tumor. "Little Sky" had a wish that was somehow transmitted to Charlie Weis, Head Football Coach at Notre Dame University. Notre Dame, the alma mater of Joe Montana, should let "Little Sky" call the opening play of the game against the University of Washington. Even though Notre Dame's first play began on its' own one-yard line after a fumble recovery, Coach Weis agreed to use the play "pass right" as called by "Little Sky."

The play gained 13 yards.

"Little Sky" passed away the night before the game.

There is a place for guys like Charlie Weis, who smiled noticeably on the sideline. Frodo notes that Notre Dame University has never been a favorite of Southern powerhouse football schools. Notre Dame recruited Southern black athletes while the Southern powerhouses stayed lily-white. Notre Dame regularly kicked their butts.

Frodo always roots for the best academic school. This year, he will "cheer, cheer for old Notre Dame, she'll never stumble, she'll never fall, all her royal sons are marching onward to victory."
It will be interesting to see how often they run the play "pass right."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:54 PM EDT

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Friday, September 23, 2005

Sitting by the Side of the Road in the Middle of Nowhere
Mood:

irritated
Topic: "Six Days on the Road"
9/22. On September 22nd, 2005, along Interstate 45 in the State of Texas, Republic of Mexico (ed. note, Frodo refuses to recognize the Peace Treaty by which Texas allegedly became US property), the biggest traffic jam in world history took place. Stretching approximately 100 miles from the greater Houston area toward the nothingness of Central Texas was the Evacuation Plan of the crack Governor of Texas, Trooper Rick Perry.

With Hurricane Rita approaching as a Category 5 Storm, Texas State officials enacted their natural disaster evacuation plans, and promptly stranded thousands of citizens directly in the path of danger. Given the daytime temperatures in the 100 degree realm, and the absence of gasoline re-fueling capacity, cars overheated, ran out of gas, and traffic was further estopped.

Governor Perry commented that he thought the evacuation was "proceeding successfully." Shortly thereafter a bus overheated, burst into flames, and exploded. 24 elderly passengers in the bus were burned to death.

Frodo notes that subsequent to the 9/11 debacle, the Exalted Grand Poobah of Domestic Reform found reason to create the Office of Homeland Obscurity. By fusing a myriad of independent, and often unrelated, agencies together he created a bureaucracy even greater than the State of Texas (in the Republic of Mexico). Among the agencies lumped together in the fight against terrorism were those charged with prosecuting counterfeiters, those responsible for providing small business loans to businesses victimized in areas of volcanic activity, and those charged with the agricultural inspection of bananas. It is, of course, the Department of Homeland Obscurity which bears responsibility for the Federal Government's planning and implementation of public safety and evacuation procedures during national emergencies.

Frodo is pleased to report that the Office of Homeland Obscurity has prevented the illegal importation of any spoiled bananas into the areas ravaged by Hurricane Katrina.

Employees of the Office of Homeland Obscurity do not have the same rights as all other employees of the Federal Government. The argument was made that these typists and clerks were critical to the safety of our nation, and therefore should not have the right to organize as a union. Lumping so many employees into the cornucopia agency guaranteed the weakening of the labor movement among federal employees.

Frodo asks his readers to take out a piece of paper, number from one to ten, and list all of the positive accomplishments of the Department of Homeland Obscurity which come to mind. You have fifteen minutes.

Give up? Please note that if you have more than five entries on the page you qualify for the "Les Nessman Silver Sow Award." Your trophy will be presented at the White House. Karl Rove will kiss you on the lips.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:41 PM EDT

Updated: Tuesday, September 27, 2005 8:56 PM EDT

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Thursday, September 22, 2005

In a Lonely Shack by a Railroad Track, He Spent His Younger Days
Mood:

sharp
Topic: "Soldier of the King"
Frodo cannot imagine a greater honor than to see yourself portrayed on the silver screen by Sir Laurence Olivier. In the movie "The Boys From Brazil," Gregory Peck played Dr. Josef Mengele, who had escaped post-war justice to South America where he attempted to implement the genetic re-birth of Adolf Hitler. Olivier played a character very much like Simon Wiesenthal who desperately pursued evil around the world, and brought the frightening project to an apparent end. Simon Weisenthal deserved the admiration of free men everywhere. He saw evil and he tried to stop it.

Simon Weisenthal passed from this world this past week. The world he left behind is better than the one he knew, and this world is better for his having been a part of it.

Many believe that Frodo was created to represent that which can be accomplished even by the smallest and the weakest. Simon Wiesenthal was proof.

Dear reader, remember how the movie ends. The struggle against darkness is never finished.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:07 PM EDT

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