Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

When You See The Southern Cross For The First Time
Mood:

lazy
Topic: "Runs in the Family" (3)
Frodo is intimately aware of the fact that certain things, in the American South, "run in the family." There always seems to be a family secret; be it an uncle who had children out-of-wedlock, a niece who liked girls more than boys, a sister who liked the sauce, or some sort of funky disease that made family members disappear for years on end. These happenings were rarely discussed above whispers, and it would take decades for anyone to discern the truth behind the rumor. Occasionally, one of these stories comes to public light, and Frodo can't help but sit in the front row, snickering like a teen-ager.

Russ Pritchard, an appraiser who was a frequent guest on ANTIQUES ROADSHOW, specialized in items from the Era of the American Civil War. In 1995, Pritchard approached the family of George E. Pickett, and offered to purchase some family heirlooms. Pickett, as all Hobbits remember, led a courageous but disastrous assault on the enemy front-lines at Gettysburg on July 3rd, 1863, which wiped out his division, and virtually assured the Southern defeat.

Representing a museum in Pennsylvania, Pritchard offered to pay $87,500 and an all-expenses-paid trip to Costa Rica for the family of George E. Pickett V, the great-great grandson of the infamous Confederate General. Thinking they had gotten a "great deal," the Picketts were somewhat chagrined to learn, two years later, that Pritchard had immediately turned around and sold the heirlooms to the museum for $870,000. Needless to say, the employment of barristers commenced throughout. It was clear from the beginning however, that the Picketts' had simply not done their homework, and had relied on the word of someone they had seen on TV.

There are a couple of finer historical points which bear notice. General George E. Pickett, finished dead last in the West Point Class of 1846. His Great-Great Grandson also attended West Point, but dropped out after 11 weeks on campus. The good General, after the War, sold insurance and died at age 50 in 1875. His Great-Great Grandson is married to a surfing instructor, and his current personal occupation has not been determined.

Frodo notes that these easy-going people are a prime example of "runs in the family." It would be Frodo's suggestion, dear reader, that it would just make good sense to not purchase life insurance sold by anyone named Pickett, or to even consider the "wild, wild surf" with families who would exchange their heirlooms for a trip to Costa Rica.

Frodo is willing to wager that the Great-Great Grandson voted for George W. Bush, twice.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:40 PM EST

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Monday, March 5, 2007

If I Stay Here With You Girl, Things Just Couldn't Be The Same
Mood:

vegas lucky
Topic: "Getting Your Wish" (3)
There is an old adage from Bilbo's work, THERE AND BACK AGAIN, in which it is stated that one should watch what what one wishes for, because it just may come to pass. Frodo was delighted to learn that the United States of America is not the only land to face the unintended consequences of its' actions. What surprised him was who and what.

Switzerland, as a non-member of the European Union, entered into an agreement with the EU in order to open her borders to bankers, academics, and business managers. This decision is part of a series of covenants Switzerland agreed to in order to reduce trade barriers. The results have included an increase in the number of people offering sex for money throughout the country. Zurich now estimates that it contains 11 prostitutes per 1,000 people, a rate comparable to that of Amsterdam, long known for its sex trade.

Most of the new workers come from neighboring Germany and France, and the numbers have been so significant that a resulting "deflation" is taking place. The price of a "quickie" has dropped between $24 to $65 from the normal rate of $122 to $203, or so Frodo has been told. Swiss officials, trying to put a positive spin on the situation, note that these accords have resulted in a 0.5 percent boost in the gross domestic product. Frodo has no intention of commenting thereupon.

Opponents of the government have pointed out that this increase has been accompanied by an influx of unskilled workers in the construction and agricultural sectors. "This really hasn't resulted in an intellectual improvement," said Reto Jaeggi, a spokesman for the opposition Swiss People's Party. Doro Winkler, representing an unpronounceable Women's Rights group, argued however that the open border legislation has reduced the instances of illegal trafficking by human smugglers.

Maximilian Kuenzig, a Zurich resident, claims that entire neighborhoods are being abandoned by residents disturbed by the noise.

The noise?

Makes you wonder how the Bush "Guest Worker Program" might turn out, doesn't it? Frodo thinks Dick Cheney should spearhead that program. He looks like he needs a quickie. Ann Coulter, we are told, is available.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:20 PM EST

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Sunday, March 4, 2007

Oh Dreamweaver, Together I Believe We Can Make It Through The Night
Mood:

special
Topic: "Joshua Generation" (3)

Frodo probably never exactly understood the reference, until today. Some journeys are not to be completed by all those who set out on the path, and the really difficult thing is to achieve objectives even when the leaders change. Martin Luther King was not prescient, he was simply communicating the fact that the goals would cross generational lines. As Senator Barack Obama (D-IL) said in Selma today, Moses was told that he would not live to get to the Promised Land, and he had to tell the Generation Of Joshua, who followed him, that they would realize God's promise without him.

How then, thought Frodo, do I deal with the issue of the Ring? I carry its' burden, and have covered many miles, enduring great danger and overcoming many evils, with the premise that all rests on my shoulders? The Fellowship has accompanied me, but even they knew that the task was mine, alone.

Obama said that he stands on the shoulders of the Moses Generation. Frodo was initially drawn to the words of Obama because he wrote that it was time for the passing to a generation not rooted in the trials of our past. He said that it was time for Frodo to recognize that he may not get to the Promised Land, but that he had to have faith that others would get there because of his struggles. There was no implication that Frodo should cease the climb up Mount Doom, or to shy away from the final struggle with Gollum. Simply put, Frodo had to understand that at some point he would not lead, he would follow.

Frodo is impressed because the issues placed before him are not couched in vengeance or lack of regard for ones' opponents. The challenge is to achieve great goals based on the faith and the nobility of the people who are responsible. All of us are responsible, and none of us are immune.

For so many years, we have chosen "the lesser of two evils." At least, dear reader, that is what everyone says to Frodo about elections. As if, he supposes, that is justification for the acceptance of compromise, ineptitude, and lack of responsibility. Frodo cannot remember when last he actually wondered "What if?" That is, until today.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:19 PM EST

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Saturday, March 3, 2007

Guaranteed To Blow Your Mind, Anytime
Mood:

don't ask
Topic: "HOV or DOA?" (3)
HOV lanes as designed in and applicable to Washington, D.C., are a Godsend. In Atlanta, Georgia, at least six people are dead because of them. Frodo has driven them both in his motorcar, and he is a major, big-time fan of both the principle and the practice in our Nation's Capitol. He believes that the Atlanta format reflects the unsophisticated approach to design and problem-solving which characterizes people who make decisions based on who submitted the lowest bid, or which alternative will have the least impact on their personal taxes.

In Washington, HOV lanes are geared to relieve traffic congestion during peak commuting periods. An automobile with four or more passengers can enter into a single, confined, lane with concrete barriers separating it from the multiple lanes supporting auromobiles with three or fewer passengers. As a result, people line up at intersections and wait for automobiles with fewer than four inside to stop and offer them a free ride to work/home. Frodo is not arrogant enough to say that it solves all problems, but it sure has made things better than they were when Frodo faced the daunting task of commuting into the District of Columbia.

In anticipation of crowds during the 1996 Olympics, Atlanta added considerable effort to alleviate the congestion, and to allow through traffic to proceed normally. HOV lanes were added, by simply painting solid white lines on the left (outermost) lane of Interstates 20, 75, and 85 and restricting access to automobiles with at least two people, twenty-four hours a day. Nobody, as a result, ever lines up anywhere in order to be the second person in someone else's car, and vehicular traffic utilizes the lane predominantly as a high-speed passing lane.

One of the most obvious, and most dangerous, aspects of the Atlanta method is that most exits are on the right hand side of an Interstate. This means that vehicles looking to exit from an HOV lane normally will cross five or six lanes of traffic in order to go where they need to go. One of the solutions was to install several separate exits off the HOV lane itself, generally accessing well-marked and highly-travelled roads which cross over one of the Interstates.

This past Friday, early in the morning, a bus carrying a college baseball team from Ohio on its way to Florida for a tournament was in the HOV lane on Interstate 75 passing through Atlanta (as, indeed, everyone must who is on their way to Hell). The driver was probably matching the speed of the traffic at 10 or 15 miles per hour greater than the posted, and unenforced, speed limit. As he approached where Northside Drive crosses the Interstate about two miles before the convergence of Interstates, known as the Connector, he became confused by the design and he went onto the exit ramp rather than staying in the HOV lane.

Six people died immediately when the bus sped through the stop sign at the Intersection of Northside Drive, struck the fencing on the far side of the bridge and flipped onto the Interstate below. Two more people remain in intensive care.

Frodo has driven that stretch of road hundreds of times in his motorcar. On more than one occasion, he has been confused by the signage and the unrestricted lanes.

Frodo also used to ride a bus full of young men travelling to other places in order to play baseball.

Perhaps these are the factors that make all of this so poignant to Frodo. It may also be the fact that the entire design, nay, the entire concept of HOV lanes in Atlanta Georgia is just plain stupid. Now, it is also deadly.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:28 PM EST

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Friday, March 2, 2007

My Dreams Aren't As Empty As My Conscience Seems To Be
Mood:

on fire
Topic: "Supportin' da Troops"(3)

Frodo sat in stunned silence as he watched the on-the-spot reports follow the first-person stories as they assembled the insignificant life intermingled with the wasted lives, and introduced the general incompetence of the judicial, military, and civilian leaders. The daily detritus was taking liquid form on Frodo's forehead. Finally, when all the words that could be spoken had been, Frodo rose from his chair, turned slowly, and proceeded, step-by-step, toward the humming light fixture on his desk. He called up the box marked "Favorites," and he pushed the key that brought "Google" to the surface. He typed in the words "Walter Reed Base Closing Report," and pushed the key that demanded a response.

"Sam," said Frodo, "Let's suppose that your were the Commandant of the Walter Reed Army Medical Hospital when it was recommended, just a few short months ago, that the facility be closed, in order to save money. Would you be hesitant to spend money to repair the plumbing, paint the walls, or even mow the lawn very often?"

"Hmm, I see where you're going with this. You're making the point that the same geniuses who got us into the Pre-emptive War were the same ones responsible for the ramshackle facilities made available for out-patient care. I guess my question is why it hadn't already been closed, along with most of the other bases recommended for closure in the same report?"

"Sam, I have no doubt that these 'geniuses', as you call them, were just as overwhelmed with the number of amputations, the neurological problems, the debilitating injuries, as they were by the insurgency itself in Iraq, and by the return of the Taliban in Afghanistan. Now, in their defense, I truly believe that they did their best to get the best medical care and treatment possible for the influx of patients. What galls me, however, is that Rupert Murdoch's minions from Faux News were also called in to show the Incomparable Moron pinning purple hearts onto the pillows of the wounded. Time-and-again we would be reminded that the President was there 'all the time' to visit the troops and to thank them for their service."

"If he was there so much, I suppose you're asking, was that one room the only place he went?"

"Sam, I've been thinking about our last trip to Germany."

"Mr. Frodo, I've been thinking the same thing. All the Germans we met assured us that they had no idea what was going on in those camps during World War II."

"Sam, do you know how far it is from Dachau to Munich?"

"How far?"

"About the same distance as it is from the Walter Reed Army Medical Hospital to the White House."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:16 PM EST

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Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Ya Got Mud On Your Face Ya Big Disgrace
Mood:

loud
Topic: "Nixon Agonistes" (3)

Donald Rumsfeld, Richard Cheney, Pat Buchanan, when they were young, all served on the White House Staff of Richard M. Nixon; and Frodo was naive enough to think that the damage that Nixon did to our nation ended with his death. Buchanan subsequently became the only one of the three to seek the highest office in the land. Fortunately, the Convention of the American Independent Party, which nominated him, was only covered by the Comedy Channel. Rumsfeld could easily have been nicknamed "Boomerang" since he spent the rest of his professional life reurning to serve the collection of Republican losers who have followed "Tricky Dick" into the White House. Cheney remains, and periodically rises from the crypt to remind us all that anbody can become Vice President.

The Vice President of the United States has just returned from an important mission on the other side of the world. Accompanied by one of the top spooks at the CIA, he dropped in on the military dictator currently manning the nuclear button in Pakistan. Sitting down, mano-a-mano, the Veep explained, in no uncertain terms, that if the good General wanted to keep on receiving regular support payments from Uncle Sugar, he had better start doing something significant to curtail the "surge" of Taliban and al Qaeda performers passing into Afghanistan. To dispell any claims of disbelief, the current "Tricky Dick" was armed with the Intel.

Unfortunately, as Frodo learned from an unimpeachable source, Mr. Musharraf did not share the Vice President's assessment of the situation. Although Frodo had to rely on a translator, he was able to garner the substance of the Pakistani leader's response to Mr. Cheney.

"Mr Vice President, please place those intelligence reports someplace where the sun does not shine."

"In addition, Mr. Vice President, since there have been multiple attempts on my life by members of my military, my intelligence service, my fellow citizens, as well as by those who share my faith, it is quite possible that your theory about my half-baked attempts to stem the terrorist flood can be equated to the old adage which, I believe, goes like this: 'That dog don't hunt.'"

"Also, Mr. Vice President, your money is no good in Pakistan. In fact, given the rather dismal balance of payments situation under your distinguished leadership, it goes without saying that the Yankee Dollar ain't what it used to be. Perhaps you should consult with someone who has private industry experience with an organization that makes money by means other than sucking the government teat?"

"Finally, Mr. Vice President, I have it on good authority that every world power who has ever attempted to conquer the indigenous peoples of Wazeristan and the other tribal provinces on the Afghani-Pakistan border have had their heads handed back to them, on platters. I suggest that if you think that will be my fate, you are sadly mistaken. I also suggest that if you plan to take action yourself, you might suggest to Mr. Bush that you pack a lunch. It is likely you will be there most all day."

Frodo was on the tarmac as Air Force Two lifted off. He heard that Mr. Cheney told the Faux News reporter "embedded" with him on the mission that the talks had been "productive."

Frodo wonders if the plane touched down at San Clemente.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:20 PM EST

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Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Now My Life Has Changed In Oh So Many Ways
Mood:

celebratory
Topic: "Terrible Two's" (2)
Frodo, Keeper of the Ring, commenced publication on February 28, 2005.

"A very, merry Unbirthday. . ."

"The Italian Stallion" is no more, and Frodo misses his friend with each passing shadow, and every meal that leaves a piece of ham, untouched, on his plate. "Frodo and Jesus" allowed Frodo to grieve at the funeral of Pvt. Jesus Fonseca, while George W. Bush opted not to attend, again. "Chingachgook Lives" took Frodo and Mick, the Wonder Dog, deep into places where good friends go, together. "We Will Rock You" nearly brought about an international incident when the male members of an obscure little English village took umbrage at Frodo's description of their set-to with the BBC. Many other titles conjured up factual events or Frodoian figments of imagination which this self-anointed, latter-day Samuel Clemens impersonator fetched from the cornices of a bizarre creative psyche.

At the end of the first year, Creedence Clearwater Revival took note of Frodo's passage. Here, at the end of the second year, the Beatles appropriately point out that the path before Frodo is obscured by the disappearance of independence in the haze. All of Middle Earth is threatened. The Ring remains under the control of those who have neither appreciation nor understanding of its' awesome power. Frodo's task is not complete.

The wood before us is yellow, and there are divergent paths. May we wisely choose. If we are fortunate enough, dear reader, to meet again on this day, may our hopes and our dreams unite in another song.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:19 PM EST

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Monday, February 26, 2007

I Guess You're Just What I Needed
Mood:

suave
Topic: "And the Winner Is" (2)

"Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Mr. Frodo, and tonight I will be hosting the 60th Annual Art History Awards. That's right, tonight several truly gifted artists will be recognized for their achievements when they receive the prized 'Felix' to mark their place among their peers. The Awards are voted upon by the members of the Academy, and the results tabulated by abacus before placement in a mayonnaise jar which is maintained on the front porch at Funk & Wagnalls'."

"Yes Mr. Frodo, and welcome to you and to each of our guests visiting us here at the Tower of Cirith Ungol," said Shelob, who eyed Frodo from her web.

"Well, let us not delay, for we have many awards, and the time available should be the property of the award winners. May I have the first envelope please?"

"Mr Frodo, this first envelope recognizes the most outstanding performance by an artist in a free-standing environment," said Shelob. "The nominees include Michelangelo, for the Sistine Chapel. . ."

"50 Cent, for the graffiti on the side of the A-Train in the New York City Subway and. . ."

"Wyland, for the Great Whales on urban buildings across America. . ."

"And the winner is. . .oh, I'm so nervous. . .Michelangelo, for the Sistine Chapel."

"Thank you Shelob, thank you Mr. Frodo. Thank you to all the members of the Academy. Most of all I'd like to thank God and to all the little people who offered me so much support during my time painting on the ceiling."

"Wasn't that thrilling Shelob?"

"Oh yes Mr. Frodo, I'd just love to have that magnificent work all over the chambers of my den."

"Well, what's next?"

"This award Mr. Frodo is for the Most Statuesque Presentation in Stone."

"The nominees are Michelangelo, for the David. . ."

"Rodin, for the Thinker and. . ."

"My Lin, for the Vietnam Veterans Memorial."

"And the winner is. . .Michelangelo. . .for the David. . .all 17 feet of him."

"Thank you, once again, to the Academy and to all of you, including my Mother, who was there for me when no one else was. I owe you everything."

144 commercials, and seven hours later. . .

"Mr. Frodo, how did the 'Felix' get its' name?"

"Shelob, it is only fitting that the Academy recognize one of the truly great combinations of artistic performance by multiple character actors. The 'Felix' is the perfect combination to the 'Oscar.'

"This brings us to the final award for this evening, I believe, doesn't it Mr. Frodo?"

"Indeed it does, Shelob, and this award is for lifetime achievement in the Arts by a multi-functional performer."

"The nominees are Michelangelo. . ."

"Leonardo da Vinci. . ."

"Pablo Picasso. . ."

"Tupac Shakur and. . ."

"John Lennon."

"And the winner is. . ."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:39 PM EST

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Sunday, February 25, 2007

You've Got to Walk That Lonesome Valley
Mood:

down
Topic: "Kiss a Girl Goodbye"(2)
Captain Kenneth Hutnick, Company H, 121st Infantry, Georgia Army National Guard, is a business friend of Frodo. This week he kissed each of his three daughters and his wife good-bye as he returned to Iraq for his second tour of duty. Each of these four young ladies has a different perspective on why Ken is leaving them again. Frodo felt it was important to merely reiterate what he was told about each of them.

Katie is 5, she doesn't remember Dad's first deployment, and after hearing Dad's promise that he would be back to walk her to school on her first day, she accepted the fact that he was merely "going to work."

Erin is 2, and proving that there is nothing terrible about being young enough to be oblivious to the comings-and-goings of people who love you so much.

Ashlyn is 27 days old, and Ken has timed his furlough to be here at this time. He holds and holds and holds the little one until he has to turn and go.

Suzanne kissed her husband good-bye on the front porch of their home in Alpharetta. She watched her father-in-law drive her husband to the Subway station, and she turned back to manage the tasks which would be her sole responsibility for months to come.

Ken is a big fan of Major Dick Winters, the true-life hero of Easy Company (101st Airborne) immortalized in "Band of Brothers." He and his father, a two-tour Vietnam Vet, talk military banter on their drive together. When the car stops, Ken steps out and looks back long enough to say "I love you Dad." His father immediately responds, "If you're going to be like Dick Winters, remember that he came home."

Frodo and his friend Ken might disagree a great deal about almost everything associated with this Pre-emptive War, its' management, its' consequences; frankly, Frodo does not know, and it would make no difference to him if he did.

Ken Hutnick is a good man and a good daddy. If anything happens to him, it will be an unfathomable loss to us all. To Frodo, this damn war is not worth that. To Ken, leaving is merely the first step in coming home.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:04 PM EST

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Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Hold On Loosely, But Don't Let Go
Mood:

down
Topic: "Scooter" (2)
Mick, the Wonder Dog, has lost every vestige of patience with Scooter. Despite the innocent appearance and joyful expressions, his constant intrusions upon the peace and serenity of the Shire require a defensive posture. Aggression follows when there is an attempt to mark or otherwise infringe upon that which is the responsibility of the Wonder Dog. Frodo feels exactly the same way.

Scooter was a foster dog who wormed his way into the heart of Frodo's next-door neighbor, and erstwhile write-in candidate for Governor, Mr. Steve. Scooter is entirely peaceful, and maintains the bearing of one who is above the baser instincts of canine behavior. The creatures of the Shire, including Mr. Beau Neau, have taken delight in his presence, and have even found ways to mutually enjoy each others' company. That is, until Scooter decided that unannounced drop-in visits to Frodo's garage were appropriate. Adding to that, the occasional calling card proved to be more than Mick, the Wonder Dog, was prepared to ignore.

About the same time, the trial of "Scooter" Libby commenced in Washington, D.C. Frodo, in his zeal for justice, was often heard to scream something like "Fry the Snotty Bastard!" whenever mention was made of Libby on TV. Association, Frodo supposes, is what caused Mick, the Wonder Dog, to perhaps confuse the mention of the Cheney cloak-and-dagger bagman, with the unannounced presence of their next door neighbor. In any event, relations between the two canines has gone steadily downhill.

Now, Mick, the Wonder Dog, stands guard before his garage doors whenever Scooter strolls down the driveway. A slight snarl from his upper lip reveals a shiny set of canine molars prepared for action. A rumbling from deep in his thorax causes the most mild-mannered to take note of his displeasure. Scooter (the next door neighbor) heads toward another neighbor's yard, seeking relief. Scooter (the snotty bastard) had best be forewarned; enter the Shire at thy own peril. If a Hobbit doesn't kick your butt, then a Wonder Dog has his own methodology for making your memory improve.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:49 PM EST

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