I Guess You're Just What I Needed
Topic: "And the Winner Is" (2)
"Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Mr. Frodo, and tonight I will be hosting the 60th Annual Art History Awards. That's right, tonight several truly gifted artists will be recognized for their achievements when they receive the prized 'Felix' to mark their place among their peers. The Awards are voted upon by the members of the Academy, and the results tabulated by abacus before placement in a mayonnaise jar which is maintained on the front porch at Funk & Wagnalls'."
"Yes Mr. Frodo, and welcome to you and to each of our guests visiting us here at the Tower of Cirith Ungol," said Shelob, who eyed Frodo from her web.
"Well, let us not delay, for we have many awards, and the time available should be the property of the award winners. May I have the first envelope please?"
"Mr Frodo, this first envelope recognizes the most outstanding performance by an artist in a free-standing environment," said Shelob. "The nominees include Michelangelo, for the Sistine Chapel. . ."
"50 Cent, for the graffiti on the side of the A-Train in the New York City Subway and. . ."
"Wyland, for the Great Whales on urban buildings across America. . ."
"And the winner is. . .oh, I'm so nervous. . .Michelangelo, for the Sistine Chapel."
"Thank you Shelob, thank you Mr. Frodo. Thank you to all the members of the Academy. Most of all I'd like to thank God and to all the little people who offered me so much support during my time painting on the ceiling."
"Wasn't that thrilling Shelob?"
"Oh yes Mr. Frodo, I'd just love to have that magnificent work all over the chambers of my den."
"Well, what's next?"
"This award Mr. Frodo is for the Most Statuesque Presentation in Stone."
"The nominees are Michelangelo, for the David. . ."
"Rodin, for the Thinker and. . ."
"My Lin, for the Vietnam Veterans Memorial."
"And the winner is. . .Michelangelo. . .for the David. . .all 17 feet of him."
"Thank you, once again, to the Academy and to all of you, including my Mother, who was there for me when no one else was. I owe you everything."
144 commercials, and seven hours later. . .
"Mr. Frodo, how did the 'Felix' get its' name?"
"Shelob, it is only fitting that the Academy recognize one of the truly great combinations of artistic performance by multiple character actors. The 'Felix' is the perfect combination to the 'Oscar.'
"This brings us to the final award for this evening, I believe, doesn't it Mr. Frodo?"
"Indeed it does, Shelob, and this award is for lifetime achievement in the Arts by a multi-functional performer."
"The nominees are Michelangelo. . ."
"Leonardo da Vinci. . ."
"Pablo Picasso. . ."
"Tupac Shakur and. . ."
"And the winner is. . ."
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at 8:39 PM EST