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" Citizen Soldiers" (5)
" Putin' Out" (5)
" Thin Ice"(9)
""I Ain't Got Much" (5)
""Soft Memories" (7)
"$100, Are You Sure?" (5)
"0 Preservative Added"(2)
"105 Minute Workday"(9)
"16 Percent Factor"(3)
"176,000,000 to 1"(8)
"26 Damn Dollars"(6)
"3 Percent Turnout" (2)
"37 Come 11" (5)
"3:10 to Yuma" (7)
"50 Weeks of Reality TV"
"501 (c)(4)"
"54 Pounds" (8)
"8.8 Pounds"(6)
"A Capitol Idea" (6)
"A Code in My Node"
"A Course is a Course"(2)
"A Day At The Beach" (3)
"A Dog Named Bo" (5)
"A Hobbit of an Idea"
"A Man's Army"
"A Patriot Act" (7)
"A Patriotic Act"
"A Perfect World"
"A soldier booed?'(7)
"A Space Odyssey" (4)
"A Taxing Story" (5)
"A Thousand Campfires"(4)
"A Three Hour Tour"(8)
"A Touch of Class"(5)
"A Waisted Day" (5)
"A Woman Scorned"
"A-Train"
"AAARRRGGGHH" (6)
"Aagh,I'll Pay,I'll Pay"
"Abe Wong, of Gondor"(5)
"Act I, Scene I" (8)
"Act I, Scene II" (8)
"Act I, Scene III" (8)
"Adjustable 2nd Card"(3)
"Adjusting Policies"
"Adjusting the Clock"(8)
"Aegean Adventure" (2)
"Ah ah ah Stayin' Alive"
"Airline Highway" (5)
"Alan Scott" (7)
"All Aboard"
"All Bets Are In" (2)
"All Charged Up"
"All Good Things" (4)
"Allah Be Praised" (5)
"Almost Heaven" (2)
"Alpha Dog"(7)
"Alright, Who Did It?"(7)
"Also Sprach Frodo" (4)
"Always Wear Gloves" (3)
"AM Radio Next?"
"America's Toilet" (6)
"American Cemetery"(8)
"An Admission"
"An Apple A Day" (7)
"An Hour A Day" (6)
"An Ugly American"(4)
"Anchorman" (6)
"And the Winner Is" (2)
"Andy Griffith Redux"
"Another Single Woman?"
"Another Three-namer"(5)
"Another Time/Place"(4)
"Anvil Throwin' Time"(8)
"Apocalypse Now?" (3)
"Aragorn" (4)
"Armored Dildos" (3)
"As Far As We Know" (2)
"Ask Ann Landers" (3)
"Assembly LineDancing"(4)
"Astronaughty" (2)
"Atlanta Times Three"
"Augmentation" (2)
"Augustus Agonistes" (5)
"Aurora Borealis" (8)
"Autumnal Observances"(2)
"Avast You Lubbers"(6)
"Baby Doctors (2)"
"Baby Fiona"(7)
"Baby Nathan Yahoo"(10)
"Back Door Basra (2)"
"Back inthe Saddle Again"
"Bad Boys, Bad Boys"
"Bad Time for Bonzo" (3)
"Balance of Nature" (3)
"Balance of Payments"(5)
"Balancing the Budget"
"Ballamer" (4)
"Balls"(10)
"Bang the Drum Slowly"
"Bank Prank" (5)
"Baptists are Pussies"(7)
"Barbed Wire Escape (2)"
"Barbie Banditos" (3)
"Barely Bearble"(7)
"Barely Defensible" (2)
"Barry Me Not (2)"
"Bathroom onna Right"(3)
"Beach Music" (7)
"Because It Is Hard" (4)
"Beechwood 4-5789"(6)
"Belling the Cat" (2)
"Ben McGee" (3)
"Benny and the Jets"(5)
"Berlusconi in Love"(6)
"Best be straight Boy"(5)
"Best Day/Worst Day"(6)
"Best in the South" (5)
"Best in the World?"(5)
"Betray Us" (3)
"Bettah than Etta"(4)
"Better Man" (3)
"Better Than Pong"
"Big Time Sports" (3)
"Big Words,LittleMind"(6)
"Bilbo's Birthday (2)"
"Bilbo's Little Boy"(5)
"Bilbo's Revenge" (5)
"Bill and Hillary (2)"
"Billy World" (2)
"Bimini Babes" (3)
"Bird is the Word" (3)
"Birmingham Jail" (5)
"Birthday Baggins"
"Birthday Buddies" (7)
"Birthday Memory" (4)
"Birthin' No Babies" (3)
"Bishop to King's Castle"
"bitch,bitch,bitch"(6)
"Black Friday" (2)
"Black Gold, Texas Tea"
"Black Hole Blues" (4)
"Black Jack"
"Black Russians" (6)
"Black Widow" (3)
"Blackboard Jungle"
"Blame Game" (3)
"Bleached Bones" (5)
"Blitzkrieg Bellini" (2)
"Blood and Swash" (3)
"Bloopers" (5)
"Blue Christmas" (2)
"Bo's Birthday"(5)
"Bob Sikes' Cut"(9)
"Bob, Bob, Bobbit" (3)
"Bobby, not Ben"(6)
"Bon Air Bellicose" (4)
"Bon Giorno" (6)
"Bona Lisa" (5)
"Bonds-v-Skvara" (3)
"Boo Boo Poo Poo"(9)
"Boromir & Galadriel"(5)
"Bottled in Thyme"(7)
"Bottom Ten"(9)
"Bovine Stem Cells?"
"Boy, I Say Boy"
"Boycott BP"
"Breaker, Breaker" (4)
"Breakin' rules" (7)
"Breaking News" (7)
"Brer Fox (2)"
"Bridge at Andau"(11)
"Bring Back Ross" (2)
"Bring the Bowl"
"Broken News"(10)
"Brother of the Ring"
"Brownback Mountain"
"Brownie Hawkeye"
"Buckwheat Breathes" (2)
"Bumper Sticker"
"Burn Baby, Burn" (3)
"Bush in the Bullrushes"
"Bush Baby, Bush (2)"
"Bush is Chinese?" (2)
"Bush Press Conference"
"Bush-Bashers Be We (2)"
"Bushenomics"
"Busman's Holiday(2)"
"Butt...Butt...Butt" (3)
"Butterflies? Sheesh!"
"Buttermilk Drops" (3)
"Buy a Subaru" (11)
"Buy Stock in America"(6)
"Cabin Fever" (5)
"Cain Not Able" (7)
"Cake in the Rain"
"Cake in the Rain"(3)
"Call Me Ishmael" (3)
"Callista, an Albino?"(7)
"Camp Pleasant" (2)
"Can She Name Them?(2)"
"Can You Hear Me Now?"
"Canaan Conspiracy"(6)
"Candygram" (4)
"Captive Audience"(6)
"Caramel or Carmel?"(3)
"Carolina Cougar(2)"
"Carolina Curmudgeon" (5)
"Cartoon Characters" (3)
"Case of Packy Stann"(3)
"Cash crash crashed?"(5)
"Cat Fight" (5)
"Caterpillar Quandry" (3)
"Causal Relationships"(9)
"Cause It's One, (2)"
"Ceramic s"
"Ch-ch-changin'" (4)
"Change a'comin" (5)
"Change is Good" (5)
"Change?" (3)
"Changin' Channels" (2)
"Chapter 13"
"Chariots of Fire"
"Chariots' a' Comin'"(4)
"Chassahowitzka" (2)
"Chauncey Gardner"(7)
"Checkmate"(5)
"Chemical Alley" (6)
"Cheney of Fools" (2)
"Cherem" (3)
"Chew my Gazebo, Willya?"
"Chief Noc-a-Homa" (3)
"Chingachgook Lives"
"Chipmonkeys Alert (2)"
"Chipper" (6)
"Christian Balls"(10)
"Christian the Lion"(4)
"Christian Valuelessness"
"Christmas Communique"(3)
"Christmas, 1936" (2)
"Chutzpah Hooters" (4)
"Cilled a Bar?" (3)
"Cindy, oh Cindy"(4)
"Citizen Soldiers" (2)
"Clark and Lois (2)"
"Classified Ads are Cool"
"Claymore Gregg" (3)
"Clean Machine" (2)
"Clean up in Aisle 4!"(4)
"Climb It Chains" (8)
"Clinton Cuts" (7)
"Clone Chipper,Please"(4)
"Cockatiel Lounge" (2)
"College of the Shire"(6)
"Colosseum"
"Combat Kelly (2)"
"Come On Baby"(8)
"Come on Down" (3)
"Comin' Clean" (5)
"Comin' Home" (3)
"Commencement (2)"
"Comparables" (6)
"Condi for President" (3)
"Cone of Silence" (4)
"Conflagration" (3)
"Confusion Reigns"(10)
"Congress Goes to War (2)
"Congress' Schmidthead"
"Conspiracy Theory" (4)
"Copy Cat Chinese" (5)
"Country Roads" (7)
"Crawford Convention" (2)
"Crikey" (2)
"Crime and Punishment(2)"
"Crotch Rocket Delite"(4)
"Cult of the Wild"(7)
"Curious, George?"
"Currahee" (5)
"Da Juice Is Back" (3)
"Dad" (5)
"Damages Done (2)"
"Damn Close" (4)
"Damn It To Hell" (5)
"Damn Lies" (7)
"Dandy Dale" (7)
"Danger Will Robinson"(5)
"Danger,Will Robinson"(8)
"Darth Dick" (5)
"Darwin's Company" (4)
"Das Boot"
"Das Ende" (6)
"Date With David" (2)
"Day of Infamy" (4)
"Day-O, Me Wan Go"(7)
"De Tar-Ball Baby" (6)
"Dead Honkey"
"Dearest Bilbo"
"Debits on the Left?" (2)
"Decisions, Decisions"(6)
"Deep and Dark" (5)
"Deep Shiite" (3)
"Degree of Separation"(6)
"Deja 1958 Over Again"
"Deja Who?"(7)
"Delano" (4)
"DevelopmentalStudies"(4)
"Diazinon Ditties (2)"
"Dick Clark Top 10(2)"
"Dimmer Switch" (6)
"Dirty Copter" (4)
"Do They Like Kool Aid?"
"Doctor, Mr. MD"(9)
"Dodged a Bullet"(7)
"Dogmobile" (3)
"Dogs Rule"
"Doing the Right Thing"
"Don't Cut My DSL" (5)
"Don't Feed the Animals"
"Dont Touch That Dial"(6)
"Doofus" (9)
"Doohan's Delight" (3)
"Doris Miller" (6)
"Dorothy Rose" (4)
"Double Deal" (6)
"Doubting Thomases" (3)
"Doug Williams"(4)
"Dover" (4)
"Down Below Back Home"(4)
"Downtown Cardinals"(9)
"Dr. Phil" (5)
"DroughtExitStragedy"(3)
"Dubai-Bye" (3)
"Dueling Banjos" (3)
"Dumb and Dumber" (3)
"Dumb As We Wanna Be"(3)
"Dumber Than Dirt" (3)
"Dumbest Politico (2)"
"Eager Uighurs" (4)
"Early Admission" (8)
"Eight Nine Four" (4)
"Elect Jeff Jackson"(10)
"Elizabeth I" (5)
"Emily Latella Lives"
"Emperor's Clothes" (2)
"End of the Line"
"Ending Sams Patience"(7)
"Engine Uprisin'" (4)
"Ensign Pulver"(5)
"EOTUS" (5)
"Equinox Approaching"(10)
"Equinoxious" (4)
"ERA"
"Escalator Escalatin'"(5)
"ESP" (6)
"Etchings, Anyone?"(5)
"Ethel Merman Lives"
"Eve, It's Oil!"
"Evenin' Govnah" (6)
"Everyday Miracles"
"Evil Thoughts" (3)
"Eye Opener" (3)
"Eyes of a Gorilla"
"Fair is Fare"(7)
"Falcon" (8)
"Fall Ball" (3)
"Fallin' Behind"(11)
"Falling Apart" (9)
"Fargo Felines" (5)
"Fashionable Frodo" (5)
"Father Ed" (3)
"Faux les Bas" (2)
"Female Insurgency (2)"
"Ferengi or Ferangi?" (3)
"Fergit? Hell No!"
"Film at 11"
"Findin' William"(11)"
"Firing US Attorneys" (3)
"First Freeze" (6)
"First Learn to Lose"
"First National Bank" (5)
"First Sentence" (8)
"Five Easy Pieces" (4)
"Float Yer Boat" (4)
"Flower Power (2)"
"Foe Years Old" (4)
"Follow the Money"
"Followin' Ava" (4)
"For More Years" (3)
"Forbidden Fruit"
"Fords and Dads" (2)
"Foreclosure Follies" (7)
"Foreclosure Notice" (6)
"Forest Primeval"(8)
"Form 666" (3)
"Forms For Everything"(6)
"Foundling Fathers"(7)
"Fourteen Years Ago?"(5)
"Fox Views" (3)
"Frack You" (7)
"Frances Died Today"(7)
"Fred's Dead Head" (3)
"Free at Last"
"Free Hidden Telecast"(4)
"Freedom? Hell No" (3)
"Friend by Your Side" (3)
"Friend by your Side" (4)
"Friendly Persuasion" (5)
"Friends of Bill" (7)
"Frist Friends"
"Frodo and Housman" (2)
"Frodo and Jesus"
"Frodo and Revere?"(7)
"Frodo And Truckers (2)"
"Frodo Dissents" (6)
"Frodo Not Foggo (2)"
"Frodo of Arabia(2)"
"Frodo Op" (5)
"Frodo Regrets"
"Frodo Study Group" (2)
"Frodo visits Bilbo"
"Frodo's Almanac"(9)
"Frodo's Bad Day"
"Frodo's Book Club"(5)
"Frodo's Dilemma" (3)
"Frodo's Faux Pas" (3)
"Frodo's Final Four" (3)
"Frodo's Foreign Policy"
"Frodo's Hall of Fame"(4)
"Frodo's Newer Friend"(6)
"Frodo's Retirement"(8)
"Frodo's Revenge"
"Frodo's Revenge"(7)
"Frodo's Solutions" (6)
"Frodo's Xmas Story"(6)
"Frodo, James Frodo" (3)
"Furriners" (4)
"Gainful Employment" (3)
"Galadriel Is No More"(3)
"Gandalf's Challenge (2)"
"Garland Duesenberry" (2)
"Gas Guzzler A-Go-Go"
"Gasp, Wheeze (2)"
"Gay Faux Holes" (5)
"Genarlow de Chariot" (3)
"Genesis Ignored" (3)
"Geneva Accords Redux"
"Geography Lesson" (3)
"George to the Rescue"(3)
"Georgia on my Mind"(3)
"Getting Your Wish" (3)
"Gidget Goes Gondor"(7)
"Gimme Head With Hair"(3)
"Girls Night Out" (6)
"Give 'em Hell, Tom" (5)
"Give Heath a Chance (2)"
"Give Us Your Tired. . ."
"Giving Way to Anger" (2)
"Glenn Frey"(11)
"Glory Days"
"Goin' Home" (3)
"Gondor Goodfellas"(9)
"Gondor Gravitas" (3)
"Good Cop" (7)
"Good Day America" (6)
"Good Friday It Was"(9)
"Good Friday, Maybe"(11)
"Good Ol Mountain Dew"(5)
"Good Son"
"Goodbye Kids (2)"
"Goodbye, Ethan" (2)
"Goodman is Hard to Find"
"Goose Again"
"GOP Convention" (3)
"Gotta Have a Home (2)"
"Grading on a Curve"
"Graffiti Government" (2)
"Great American Hero"
"Great American Hero" (2)
"Greatest Duet Ever"(6)
"Greed is Good"(5)
"Greetings" (8)
"Grissom not Gruesome"(4)
"Groupies for Edwards"(4)
"Guess We Forgot?"(8)
"Guest Workers (2)"
"Guns of August" (7)
"Guts of August" (3)
"Gwinnett Again?" (3)
"Halo, 1,2,3?" (3)
"Ham I Am" (3)
"Handi-Wipes" (3)
"Hang 'em High" (2)
"Hanky Time, Ladies"
"Happens in Threes"(5)
"Happy Anniversary"(9)
"Happy Mardi Gras"(2)
"Harpo Speaks"
"Harry" (2)
"Harry's Bar-Venice" (2)
"Hatfield-vs-McCoy"
"Hawkeye, Redux"(7)
"Haz Mat" (3)
"He Ate the Olive!"(7)
"He is deeply missed (2)"
"He Picks Up Poop?" (5)
"He Took De Bait" (8)
"He's 'Little Ricky'?"(7)
"Healthcare for Frodo"(5)
"Heart Soar Like Hawk"(5)
"Heck of an Engineer"(7)
"Hedge Fund Hippies" (3)
"Heeeerrre's Frodo" (3)
"Heeere's Johnny" (6)
"Heeerrrre's Frodo" (3)
"Hello, Mr. Wilson" (5)
"Hello? Central?" (3)
"Help Wanted"
"Helping Frodo" (4)
"Here Come da Judge" (2)
"Here Come da Judge" (6)
"Here Kitty-Kitty" (4)
"Here Kitty-kitty"(5)
"Here's Help, Now Leave"
"Here's Your Watch" (3)
"Hi Jinx" (5)
"Hide Anythin' Edible"(5)
"High Chair" (2)
"Hobbits And a Truck"(4)
"Hold On Romo" (2)
"Hold the Malaise" (4)
"Homeless"
"Honey Dew List"(9)
"Hopalong Frodo"(9)
"Horn of Africa (2)"
"Horse Latitudes" (6)
"Horsehockey" (3)
"Hosea Can You See" (3)
"Hosea Can You See?" (3)
"Hot Tamale" (3)
"Hotel Plimhimmon"(9)
"HOV or DOA?" (3)
"How Dogs Love Us" (10)
"How Many Delegates?"
"How Many Delegates?" (3)
"How Now Broun Cow"(8)
"Hraka" (4)
"Huckleberry Hound" (3)
"Hund Scheisse CSI" (5)
"Hungarian Answer" (4)
"I Believe in Music (2)"
"I can hope, can't I?"(9)
"I Could Cry" (2)
"I Inspired You?"
"I say it's Spinach. . ."
"I'll Get Back to You"(3)
"I'll Huff and Puff" (4)
"I'll Take a Vowel"
"I'm Baaack" (2)
"I'mSo In LoveWithYou"(7)
"Ides of March Again" (4)
"Ides of Texas" (6)
"IED's in Congress" (2)
"If Frodo Ran The DHS"(5)
"If It Ain't OneThing"(5)
"If the truth be told"(6)
"If You Remember,Then"(6)
"If" (6)
"Imagine,General Newt"(6)
"Imitation of Life" (5)
"Immigration Reform (2)"
"Impregnated"(10)
"In a Galaxy Far Away(2)"
"In a Pig's Eye" (4)
"In Dog We Trust" (10)
"In the Beginning"
"In the Beginning" (3)
"Incomparable Moron" (4)
"Indoor Toilets Rule" (4)
"Intersex Village" (2)
"Interstate Parking (2)"
"Ion Propulsion"(7)
"Iran's Tom Hayden"
"Irish Spring"(3)
"Is it in the Water?"
"Is That in America?" (2)
"Is You da One,Jimmy?"(3)
"Islamic Fundamentals"(8)
"Isn't Amnesty Good?"(3)
"Isn't Change Good?"(6)
"It's A Trap" (6)
"It's Just a Movie"
"It's Just Business"
"Ja, Wir Konnen."
"Jack Crabb" (10)
"Jambo Jumbo" (3)
"Japanese Movie?" (3)
"Je suis Frodo"(10)
"Jefferson Rock" (3)
"Jes' the facts Ma'am"(4)
"Jim Crow" (5)
"Joad Family Reunion?"(6)
"Joad Jobs" (4)
"Joe Soptic" (8)
"Jonestown Redux" (3)
"Jose and Claudia" (4)
"Joshua Generation" (3)
"Just Another Day" (3)
"Just Clearin' Brush"(3)
"Just Desserts (2)"
"Just Desserts" (7)
"Just Say 'Nyet'"(7)
"Just to CU Smile" (5)
"Kandy Kakes 2"
"Ken Meets Jack"
"Key Word Apology" (6)
"Killer's Geraldine" (4)
"Kilowatts Per Mile" (6)
"Kiribati Republic"(6)
"Kirk Saves Nemo"
"Kiss a Girl Goodbye"(2)
"Knew You Not Pompey?"(3)
"Kodak Moment" (2)
"Kool Sailboat" (4)
"Korea, Korea" (2)
"Kudlow's Kreeps"(4)
"Lady of Rohan" (3)
"Land Ho"(8)
"Lean and Hungry " (2)
"Leeward, I Say, Leeward"
"Legs Diamond" (3)
"Legs" (3)
"Leslie" (4)
"Lessons Learned" (2)
"Let Them Eat Cake"
"Let's Bake Cookies" (3)
"Let's Play A Game" (6)
"Letter Home" (6)
"Letter to Lou" (4)
"Liberal Lament" (40)
"Lief, Leaf, or Loaf"(8)
"Life In A Red State"
"Lights of Chicago"
"Like a Barack" (2)
"Limbaugh Hero"(7)
"Lime Bandits" (3)
"Lime is on my side" (6)
"Limestone Cowboys" (3)
"Lip Smackin' Good?"(6)
"Little Big Horn (2)"
"Little Houdini" (5)
"Little Sky"
"Littlest Angel" (2)
"Livin' is Easy?"(7)
"Loans and Deposits" (4)
"Lois, I Never Lie"(8)
"Lonely Avenue" (3)
"Lonesome Frodo" (3)
"Look away Dixieland"(6)
"Look for da Union Label"
"Look Who's Talkin'" (2)
"Lookin' Back, Texas" (3)
"Lost Weekend"(8)
"Low Water, Slow Flow"(3)
"Lox? Or Locks?" (7)
"Lunatic Cattle Call"(8)
"M-G-M Material"
"Ma Bell is Baaack" (3)
"Ma Bell Lives" (7)
"Macaca, Your Macaca" (2)
"Mad Dogs&Englishmen"(6)
"Made You Look" (6)
"Magic Fridge (2)"
"Magic Moments"(7)
"Make Jobs, Not War"(7)
"MaMa's Little Babies"(3)
"Man For All Seasons" (2)
"Man of the Century"
"Man Up, Harry"(6)
"Man's Best Friend?"
"Many happy returns"
"March Forth" (8)
"Marking Time" (3)
"Martyr Magic" (2)
"Marvelous Mac"(8)
"Mary Lee & Genie"(8)
"Master of None" (8)
"MatriculationMadness"(5)
"May Day, Comrade"(7)
"Maynard G. Krebs" (7)
"McCan't"(9)
"Medal of Honor" (6)
"Media is the Message(2)"
"Media Reporting" (6)
"Memories"(10)
"Mental Healthcare" (4)
"Michelle, my Belle"(7)
"Mick's Day"(8)
"Mickey and Me"(6)
"MidSummer Nights Dream"(7)
"Mikileaks" (6)
"Missionary Position" (3)
"Missionary Position" (7)
"Mississipp' Sippin'"(2)
"Mister Roberts" (8)
"Moamar:The Movie"(7)
"Mohair Sam" (5)
"Mon Petit Shoe"(4)
"Monkeys in Mississippi"
"Moody Blue"(7)
"Moody" (7)
"Mooman" (3)
"Moon Over Miami"(4)
"Mooosic" (5)
"Moovin' On Up" (2)
"Mordor or Antarctica?"
"More Than Some" (4)
"Moultrie Poultry" (3)
"Mount Mulch" (2)
"Movin' On Up" (2)
"Mr. Toad's Motorcar (2)"
"Mudbums"(9)
"Mumbai, My Lord" (4)
"Murtha For President(2)"
"N. Leroy" (7)
"Name That Tune"(4)
"Nascaroil" (4)
"Nat King Cole Sucks"(5)
"NCAA---Blech!" (7)
"Nein, nein, nein"(7)
"Never Doubt Bilbo"
"Never heard of him"
"Nevermore"(6)
"New Life, Old Leaves"(4)
"Newest Friend"(8)
"Newman's Own" (4)
"Newt/Mitt '12" (3)
"Next Case" (6)
"Next Door Neighbors" (3)
"NFL Commissioner (2)"
"NFL Trade" (3)
"Nielsen Ratings" (2)
"Nine Months PG" (7)
"Nixon Agonistes" (3)
"Nkosi"
"No Faux News?" (3)
"No Googling Allowed"(4)
"No Humor Today"
"No Peanut Left Behind"
"No Sale" (3)
"No, Not Russian" (4)
"No-No, No" (3)
"Nobody Even Asked"(8)
"Noo Yawk Stateamind"(2)
"Not a Bang,a Whimper"(7)
"Not Funny, Dr Jones"(5)
"Not North Carolina" (6)
"Not Percy Sledge?" (3)
"Not Percy Sledge?"(3)
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Frodo, Keeper of the Ring
Saturday, March 31, 2012
What Will I Be, When I Grow Up To Be a Man
Mood:  accident prone
Topic: "Well, Poop"(8)

"Mr. Frodo."

"Who dat?"

"This is God."

"Yo, Big Guy, Wassup?

"Where were you last night?"

"Whatchu mean?  Where was I?  I lined up my Financial Planner, you know him, Mark, the Pharisee?  Then I started arranging for wire transfers of more than $650M to banks all around the world.  Based on what you'd said, I then. . ."

"Whoa, big fella."

"Don't shush me Dude.  I was making big plans because you implied that I was about to take on some new business in your behalf."

"Then how come you didn't go to Baltimore like I told you?'

"Baltimore?  I thought you said 'Bald No More.'  Weren't you telling me to put bear grease on my skull and then. . ."

"No.  I was telling you to use the primary machine at the convenience store in Baltimore County."

"Hmph.  I guess, what we have here is, 'Failure to communicate.'"

"Well, any way, now we have to figure out how. . ."

"Figure. Schmigure.  You think I didn't hear about the Dude in Kansas who got struck by lightning after buying a couple of lottery tickets that had several winning numbers?  I'm not sure I wanna mess with you at all."

"That was Randolph Terry, the Anti-Choice Fruitcake."

"No kiddin'?"

"It was just my way of letting everyone know that Deism was a bad idea even for Thomas Jefferson."

"So, did you set Tom up with Sally Hemmings?"

"It would be inconsistent for me to first say I was involved in affairs on the small, blue planet, then to deny the possibility."

"Okay, that's fair.  What about Halle Berry?  You know her?"

"Mr. Frodo, can we get back to the lottery, and how to help you move $600M into the hands of the poor and the underprivileged?"

"Oh yeah.  Good point.  But can we talk about Halle Berry a little later?"

 

 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:03 PM EDT
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Friday, March 30, 2012
I Wonder If You Think About It, Once Upon a Time, In Your Wildest Dreams
Mood:  happy
Topic: "176,000,000 to 1"(8)

Okay, here's the deal.  If, dear reader, you post to Frodo, Keeper of the Ring, by Midnight this eve, AND if Frodo or Sam should win the MEGA MILLIONS drawing, then you share in the prize money.  Now keep in mind that the approximately $600M only goes so far, but no matter how one dices it, we will all become members of the top 1%.  In addition, what Frodo will also do is to walk right up to Willard Mitt, with his $600M check in hand, and say "WM, I understand that because of your Father's legacy that your investments paid you a paltry $42M this past year?  You know what Frodo has to say about that?  Well, WM, Frodo says 'Is that all?'"

Frodo would be very pleased to pay his taxes at a rate higher than that of the poverty-stricken Willard Mitt.

Frodo and Sam have been thinking good thoughts for the ASPCA, the people who fight ALS, the homeless, and everyone else who believes that Willard Mitt is truly a dork, or whoever needs a helping hand.  Yes, President Obama will also be well-advised to take Frodo's call, even at 3 A.M.

So, before the Evening News cuts on, say a lfew kind words for the Hobbits, and know that you are in the mix with the Hobbits of the Shire.

Last one in the pool is a rotten egg. 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 4:32 PM EDT
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Tuesday, March 27, 2012
On a Day Like Today
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: "Train Wreck"(8)

Frodo is learning patience, but he is not evolving into a nincompoop.  Two prior disappointments, known as "Bush v. Gore" and "Citizens United," established a precedent for whatever it will be that our current trauma is labelled in our national history.  Despite the addition of a few new members to the SCOTUS, familiar names continue to pluck pubic hairs from the soft drink cans of society.  Frodo is quietly pessimistic.

Jeffrey Toobin, an attorney with the countenance of a leprechaun, utilized the title above in a Tweet/Twitter (whatever) from the inner sanctum of the Supreme Court this very day.  His comment was that the attorney representing the "good guys" was getting reamed by the "Hole in the Wall" gang (dressed in black, no less).  Frodo looked for Greta of the artifically structured nasal passages for clarity.  It was Greta, after all, who impressed Frodo because she first caught the significance of the wording on that terrible night when the Incomparable Moron was issued the national checkbook.  Fortunately, he was unable to devote sufficient resources of time to the effort.  Frodo sees no reason to believe that the eventual outcome will be anything other than bad news for "truth, justice, and the American Way."

Frodo recalls the one occasion when he visited the Land of the Lost.  Knowing that he had no school the next day because of the impending field trip, Frodo and Andy Cleland stayed up late shooting baskets and drinking soft drinks (out of a bottle).  Upon their arrival to the Supreme Court a'morrow, they were both barely awake as they descended upon the wooden pews that offered neither comfort nor cups of coffee.  They noted the presence of the young men in suits all along the walls of the chamber, but paid them no mind.

Frodo felt the hand clasped on his shoulder, shaking him firmly in order to waken him.  As he snorkled back to semi-consciousness, he noted that each of the "suits" was dispatching self amongst his classmates waking up those unable to tolerate the boring, boring, BORING discussion that had something to do with recordings of conversations over the telephone.  

Frodo probably decided at that very moment that there would not be enough wealth or prestige in all the world to be gained by another five minutes in that chamber beneath the Colosseum.  Much less, he avers, by spending any more time on the rantings of seekers of justice who waste what little pleasures they get out of life because they became barristers. 

Frodo still wipes off every coke can before he pops the top.  Clarence Thomas would never understand.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:43 PM EDT
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Sunday, March 25, 2012
I Know You're Out There Somewhere
Mood:  irritated
Topic: "PPSI?"

A measurement of 1500 PPSI is cpnsidered unhealthy.  This past Monday, the Shire experienced an all-time record, and on Tuesday the previous day's record was surpassed by more than 1500 PPSI.  9,369 particles per square inch descended upon every imaginable surface.  For the uninitiated, the subject measurement is of tree pollen.

Every keystroke on Frodo's computer is followed by a tiny miasmic wisp.  His left ocular orb is red enough to halt automotive traffic.  Sam has spent exactly eight and one-half minutes outside over the past four days.  Mick, the Wonder Dog, leaves tiny yellow footprints from the front porch to every marked urinary release for days on end.  At the same time, the gardens of the Shire are stunningly beautiful.  Every flowering plant in the world is abloom.

The fourth mildest winter ever recorded in Middle Earth has just been concluded, and the earliest blooming plants (forsythia, pussywillow, daffodil) are joined by those whose blossoms usually occur long after the passage of Easter (dogwoods, white azaleas, gladiolus).  The biggest culprits, according to scientific sources, are oak and maple trees which incidentally seem to be everywhere.  Frodo cannot tolerate being indoors, even with the NCAA Tournament at full tilt, when there is so much beauty (even with blossoms covered by blowing alien pollen) to behold.

A runny nose and scratchy eyes is small price to pay.  Besides, it provides one more opportunity for the worst-managed metropolis on the small blue planet to chant, "We're Number One." 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:47 AM EDT
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Monday, March 12, 2012
Any Day Now
Mood:  on fire
Topic: "Number, Please"(8)

The story you are about to hear is true.  Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

"Yes Ma'm, you can certainly help me.  My name is Frodo.  I am calling about telephone number 202-555-1212, which was my business telephone number.  Since I retired effective December 31st, I have received one 'Final Bill' and three 'Revised Final Bill'.  I paid the 'Final Bill' timely, and each of the first two 'Revised Final Bill' were satisfied timely also." 

"You're welcome.  My problem seems to be that this latest 'Revised Final Bill' is to satisy costs for Internet Service during the month of March.  Since, the line is inoperative, and the business is closed, it makes me wonder why I'm being charged for service in the first place."

"No Ma'm, this was not my residential number."

"Ma'm, I'm calling the number on the invoice which says "Questions Concerning Internet Charges."

"Well Ma'm, since the invoice is addressed to a corporation, doesn't it seem logical that you all would know that this was a business line?"

"Yes Ma'm, I'm acutely aware of the 'Citizens United' decision."

"Ma'm, I just went through ten minutes on hold, and correctly pushed designated buttons five times in order to ensure that a 'business' customer service person could help me as opposed to a 'residential' customer service person."

"Yes Ma'm, I understand.  Could you first give me the number to which I'm being transferred in case we get cut. . ."

Sam stands over Frodo in order to prevent him from throwing the telephone out of an open window.

"She did that on purpose, and I'll bet she's back there laughing with Ron Paul about the effectiveness of the private sector."

"Okay, I'll try again, but I'll try the number on the invoice that says 'Internet Services' this time."

"Yeah, it sounds logical to me, too."

Twenty-five minutes later.

"I'm sorry, could you repeat what you just said?"

"Sir, are you stationed in a foreign country?"

"No, I mean outside the US of A."

"That's America."

"No, I'm not calling about international service, I'm calling about being charged for internet service and I don't know why, or how to stop it, or anything."

"Please, could you help an old Hobbit and just speak a little slower?"

"That's much better.  Thank you.  Now let me start again.  My number is 202-555-1212. . ."

"No, no.  You're right the number is not in service.  No. no, please don't hang up. . ."

One hour later.

"I'm going to go through the website for AT&T.  I will follow every step as directed, and receive a response within twenty-four hours.  Oh Happy Day!"

One hour and fifteen minutes later.

"Well Sam, methinks I've followed every protocol and have documented the situation as if it were a legal brief for the Supreme Court.  All I have to do now is press ENTER. . .What, where did everything go?  I'll try the 'back' arrow. . ."

"Yes, I'd like to speak with Mr. T?  As in A T & T" you moron.  .  ."

"Hello?"

"Where is the checkbook?"

  


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:02 PM EDT
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Sunday, March 11, 2012
I'm a Road Runner Baby
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: "Frodo's Retirement"(8)

Frodo is approaching the issue of retirement with a sense of resolve.  "Frodo will accomplish something each and every day.  It may not be much, but he will be able to look back and say I did 'X,' or I did 'X+1'.  It may be," he said "something entirely different or totally absent from my 'To Do' list, but something will get done."  Frodo's sense of obligation herein is matched only by that of Barack Obama (President of the USA).

Frodo planned to wash his motorcar this date.  It threatened rain however, so that item was shelved.  The rain, it seems, has now, also, been re-scheduled. 

Frodo has measured and drawn a plan of action to refurbish the gazebo which stands in the gardens of the Shire.  The gazebo has come under periodic assault from the squirrels who serve as resident Taliban insurgents.  Being Sunday however, Frodo felt that the crowds at the Home Depot of the Shire would increase his level of anxiety, so he re-scheduled his task until Monday's planned supply run.

Frodo needs to visit Lake Lovey and repair a few leaks on his pontoon boat.  There is a C-4 explosive lookalike substance which meets the need, but Frodo always fears that a misplaced match may destroy all of East Tennessee.  Besides, it is a healthy drive, and Sam needs to pack provisions with a 'prep time' that exceeds Frodo's whimsical plans.

A neighbor in the Shire has given Frodo a beaucoup number of strawberry plants from her garden.  Frodo has created a potential gold mine of strawberries, and with the able assistance of Mick, the Wonder Dog, who has been assigned the task of pest aversion (mainly squirrels again), routinely patrols the area to ensure the safe maturation of the new breed (dubbed 'Frodo's Beauties').  This assignment is on-going.

As Frodo swept the remnants of yesterday's trim job from the driveway, he noticed something which had not been there yesterday.  Lying on its face was a fully-grown Cooper's Hawk.  Frodo turned the creature face-up and mistakenly took abdominal movements as respiration.  Soon Frodo realized that this beautiful creature had reached a premature end.  There was no blood, no sign of injury, and the body was flexible and warm.  The end had been recent.

All of Frodo's neighbors were gone, so there was none save Sam to share in the ceremony that Frodo conducted.  Mick, the Wonder Dog, paid proper homage and sniffed the remains from head-to-tail, and, as they always do, then he walked away from the smell of death.  Frodo had a million questions, and he thought about taking the remains to the Chattahoochee Nature Center for a potential autopsy.  "Too busy they are," he thought.  "Better it is to return him into the cycle of life-and-death beneath the skies that he had owned. and beneath the ground where he hunted", said the choking Hobbit.

Frodo welcomed him home, amid the reality that what Frodo accomplished this day was important.  He maintained Dominion, as was required.  Some jobs, he thought, are worth doing, and worth doing right.

 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:45 PM EDT
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Saturday, March 10, 2012
Kiss An Angel Good Mornin'
Mood:  amorous
Topic: "Early Admission" (8)

On the day before, Frodo felt that nothing could go wrong.  Less than six weeks into the academic calendar, he found himself accepted as a matriculant to-be at the College of the Shire.  Fewer than twenty-four hours later, the President of the United States was dead.  Frodo recalled those feelings as he looked into the eyes of one who knows history as history, and not as if it had happened just hours ago.

She will attend Spelman College, and she will study biology.  She desires a career in Pediatrics.  Her early admission, as was that of the Hobbit, is filled with hope.  The difference being, perhaps, no more than the fact that her heroes will live as Frodo's died. 

She will however ride with her stepfather each and every day as he manuvers through the hurdles of interstate transportation.  Frodo would never have agreed to such an arrangement.

She will however spend countless hours initiating flow charts and marketing presentations from thin air.  Frodo only remotely comprehends what magic it is that has completely changed the analytical tools at his fingertips.

She will however spend less time in a library during all four of her years than Frodo did in but half of any year.  Everything is on-line, and hard copy is too, well, too.

She will however accumulate more debt in four years than Frodo has in a lifetime.  Paying-as-you-go is a concept that is alien to the twentieth-and-one of centuries.

Her challenges are much, much greater than those encountered by the Hobbit.  She will however handle them better, and she will succeed beyond the wildest dreams of the Hobbit or of this young friend who lives across the street in the Shire.

It is as it should be.  There ain't no free lunch.    

   


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:58 PM EST
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Friday, March 9, 2012
How Does It Feel To Be On Your Own, A Complete Unknown
Mood:  smelly

Perhaps the single piece of advice occurring most frequently in the life of the Hobbit is to "be yourself."  Whether it was Bilbo or a vocational mentor, the message sent was the message received; that a "phoney" stands alone and unwelcome.  Frodo had never really considered that this single piece of purported wisdom was actually something more than good intentions shrouded by poor preparation.  That is, until Willard Mitt came along.

Do you suppose, dear reader, that Willard Mitt's Daddy never told him to "be yourself"?  Why else would a Mormon who has established residences that range from Massachusetts to California begin talking about developing an affinity for Southern people, much less their accents or their dietary preferences?  Listening to this buffoon's bulbous bifurcations in Mississippi would have brought Mark Twain to his knees.  Frodo supposes that Fitzgerald, Morris, Percy, Wolfe, or anyone else associated with Southern literature would have denied the existence of a character so transparently, well, phoney.

True it is that people of all kinds and origin, be they in Michigan or Nevada, have come to the conclusion that this character (for want of a better term) not only fails to interact with people, but he insists on portraying himself as something familiar to them.  Southern people all identify with Gatsby, or Tom Sawyer, or even Skip the dog, because they seem to appreciate something native.  So what does Willard Mitt do?  He wades into the crowd seemingly trying to trade recipes for peach pie.

He might as well have farted on stage.

Perhaps he did.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:10 PM EST
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Sunday, March 4, 2012
He's The Man Who Never Returned
Mood:  suave
Topic: "March Forth" (8)

On the fourth day of March in 1887 a man named Doyle published a piece of fiction entitled "A Study in Scarlet."  Frodo remembers this event on the sesquicentennial anniversary thereof because it also happens to be the only day of the year which, illustrated it is also by the topic shown above, is a command to go forward.  Amusing it may be to acknowledge the first appearance of Sherlock Holmes in this manner, it is also a milestone for Frodo.

The number eight additionally appears in the topical line.  For those who may have wondered, but never asked, slap your forehead when you realize that this is the first entry in the eighth year of Frodo's dialogues.  It also marks the first instance of admiration by Frodo for any Englishman without wondering if the limey isn't a homo.  Appropriate it is that the admiration is directed at a fictional character.

It would seem quite fortuitous to wax philosophical on such a day in Spring.  Frodo feels equivocal on a number of issues however, so it signals a day to work in the Gardens of the Shire.  It is so much simpler to fertilize azaleas, to rake that which was mulch and is now detritus, and to clean bird boxes.  Constructive field labor allows Frodo to erase thoughts of Limbaugh and Santorum, and to concentrate on appropriate exercise for an aging body.  It will be a good day, and better knowing that Mick, the Wonder Dog, sleeps, and snores, nearby.

Frodo could have named him Watson.  That would have been too elementary, don't you think? 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:09 AM EST
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Monday, February 27, 2012
I Had The Time Of My Life
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: "A Patriot Act" (7)

That which is known as "Super Tuesday" will be upon us next week, after the Michigan and Arizona Primaries are held on the morrow.  Frodo sees no need to elucidate.  The media have done an excellent job preparing us for what has turned out to be an examination more thorough than anything not requiring a vaginal probe.  It is significant however that Frodo will, once again, have an opportunity to exhibit his patriotism by, for the fourth time, voting against Newt Gingrich.

Like Michigan, Georgia is an "open Primary," so the decision to be made is for whom one should vote in order to add to the total for the weakest Republicant.  Frodo, in a Presidential Election some years ago actually cast a vote for Pat Buchanan as the most desirable candidate opposing William Jefferson Clinton.  The "open" Primary gives Frodo the opportunity to vote against three morons, and that will certainly include his corpulence.  Frodo was originally planning to vote for the "fake Libertarian" Texas Ron Paul, thereby lumping Santini Santorum and Willard Romney into his unholy trifecta, but he has decided that this guy Santorum deserves to be the candidate most likely to humiliate every member of the GOP for the remainder of this millenium.  So when the returns are reported on Tuesday next, remember that the race has been influenced, however slightly, by the vote of the Hobbit.

Note also, dear reader, that this will be the fourth time, and hopefully the last, that Frodo will cast a vote in opposition to Newt ("Once, twice, three times a Congressman").  Given the results of earlier primaries, this will likely be the "last round-up" for our Porky Pig stand-in.  Never again will we hear how he "worked with Ronald Reagan".

Frodo is proud of what he has done on behalf of his country, voting against this sleazy, hypocrtical, lump of suet four times. 

Frodo can almost hear all the members of the Fellowship as they chant "USA, USA, USA!"

How sweet it is.  


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:08 PM EST
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