Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Some People Say There's a Woman to Blame, But I Know It's My Own Damn Fault
Mood:

a-ok
Topic: "W is for Wuss""
Frodo salutes US Air Force Reserve Lt. Colonel Alexis Fecteau, Director of Operations for Reserve Forces at the National Security Space Institute, Colorado Springs, Colorado. Fecteau was arrested at the Denver International Airport for allegedly vandalizing automobiles bearing Pro-Bush bumper stickers. Police allege that a camera planted in a vehicle to catch a "serial vandal," identified Fecteau.

Frodo is pretty sick of those "W" stickers on all those cheap cars and SUV's. It is as if these sickos have to remind us that there is a President, and that they have something to say even if their kid is not an honor student. Frodo is taking it one step further, and has decided not to support the Washington Nationals Baseball Team, simply because they all wear a "W" on their caps.

Frodo has resisted the urge to spill pig's blood on all those Chevy Novas and Ford Explorers, but he has admiration for a military officer with courage and independence. Besides, how could you vandalize a Chevy Nova? Anything you do would make it more attractive.

Frodo wonders if he has a "W" sticker on his chainsaw? In fact, it is likely that he is using "W" stickers for all of his valuables, imagine "ex libris of 'W'" on a copy of "My Pet Goat."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:03 PM EDT

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Monday, August 8, 2005

There Doesn't Seem to be Enough Time to do The Things You Want to do Once You Find Them
Mood:

not sure
Topic: "End of the Line"
Once upon a time Frodo was having lunch with a man from a distant land, and they were talking business. Frodo noticed a very distinguished man, accompanied by several acquaintances, enter the restaurant and seat themselves at a nearby booth. Frodo identified the gentleman immediately, and could not resist pointing him out to his own luncheon guest. "That is Walter Cronkite," said Frodo in his best impression of a cavalier star-gazer. His guest turned to observe, and said to Frodo, "Who is Walter Cronkite?"

He might as well have asked Frodo to explain the rules of baseball. Where would one start to define the role of the "most trusted man in America," "Uncle Walter," the man who told us what time JFK died, or who gave us the weekly number of North Vietnamese killed by Westmoreland's warriors? Frodo's guest had never watched the CBS Evening News, so he had no clue and Frodo found himself adrift in metaphor.

Brian Williams is no Tom Brokaw, and that speaks volumes about the nature of Network TV News. These days Frodo watches Bob Schieffer long enough to see the face and hear the story of the daily "Fallen Heroes." Frodo has no stomach for what follows, that which Ted Turner referred to as "the pervert of the day." Frodo misses having somebody report the news, for simply reading fails to conjure any imagination in the mind's eye.

Dan Rather never got it right. There is no need for the Network Anchor to be confrontational. Peter Jennings could wordlessly stare back into the camera at a poignant moment, and the whole world seemed locked together for one silent moment. Frodo will miss those moments with Peter Jennings.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:21 PM EDT

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Sunday, August 7, 2005

Each Night Before You go to Bed My Baby, Whisper a Little Prayer For Me
Mood:

don't ask
Topic: "Ah ah ah Stayin' Alive"
It begins in a place called Camp Anaconda, in a country once known as Iraq. This is the most frequently attacked military installation in the war zone. The chief nurse and those who work there every day call it "Mortaritaville." From here wounded soldiers start the long trek to recovery. The road eventually will take them to Germany, and then to the United States.

Frodo has learned that at least as many US troops have been injured during the Iraq War as in either the Revolutionary War, the War of 1812, or the first five years of Vietnam (1961-1965). 13,769 troops have been wounded, and survive. Another 1,823 represent the official death count. This translates to a rather interesting statistic, in that approximately 10% of those wounded have died. This compares to a figure of 24% for both the "Gulf War" and for Vietnam.

"MASH," and "China Beach" were two television shows that captured the pathos of war through the eyes of medical personnel. Frodo can almost cite dialogue from memory. No matter what those actors will or have done with the rest of their lives, Frodo will always be grateful for the message that they brought into our home.

Which brings us to the point of what needs to be said. Frodo extends his personal gratitude to the men and women who work at Camp Anaconda, and at the Landstuhl Regional Medical Center, and at Walter Reed. For all the enmity in Frodo's heart for those who initiated this waste of our most precious resource, he is very proud to be able to look up to those who work to save and to rebuild.

None of them are taking the month of August off.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:48 PM EDT

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Tuesday, August 2, 2005

Don't Know Much About The French I Took
Mood:

incredulous
Topic: "Sex or Gender?"
There are times when Frodo thinks he has heard everything. Then, all of a sudden, Frodo simply stops in his tracks, shuffles his feet, rotates his head from side-to-side, and wonders if anyone is even listening. Dear Reader, did you hear what that lunatic said today about the freedoms inherent in the still-being formulated Iraqi Constitution? It was stated that the Iraqi Constitution must guarantee equality for all citizens regardless of "sex, ethnicity, or gender."

No? Read it again. "Sex"(Probably referring either to men or women), "ethnicity"(Methinks we got that down pretty good), or "gender"(Does this have something to do with the nominative or the possessive?).

Every time Frodo picks up a newspaper he reads someone commenting on what the American Constitution "says," as opposed to what it "means." Frodo wonders if the authors of that document were also concerned about the difference between "sex" and "gender?" That is probably why the French susequently decided to zero in on "liberty," "equality," and "fraternity." The French apparently know that "sex" and "gender" are issues which mean more to the Christian Coalition than to those who risked their "sacred life, honour, and fortune" in pursuit of human rights.

For many years the SETI project has been beaming radio waves into the far reaches of the universe in search of intelligent life on other planets. Frodo believes that somewhere out there they have been getting our messages for a long, long time. They've probably been shuffling their feet, rotating their heads from side-to-side, and are very glad that we haven't made it out that far.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:43 PM EDT

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Monday, August 1, 2005

We Made Love in My Chevy Van and That's All Right by Me
Mood:

surprised
Topic: "All Charged Up"
Dr. Bob Harbort actually worked at the Princeton University Anomalies Research (don't ask how they come up with the acronym PEAR) facility setting a research agenda for consciousness studies. He reports that a combination of skin PH and static electricity will occasionally produce a confluence of factors which make the human body a storeplace for electromagnetic energy. The result being that wristwatches stop whenever the individual touches a computer keyboard. By the same token, some individuals seem to emit "negative energy," and exhibit no response whatsoever to even an electric shock.

Frodo has long accepted the fact that some people just turn him "off" or "on." George W. Bush gives off total negative energy to Frodo. Mysteriously, whenever the Incomparable Moron appears on a television set anywhere near Frodo, it automatically turns itself off. Ann Coulter makes every clock in the vicinity come to a dead stop whenever her face appears in print or on video. Frodo also reports the build-up of gases in his gastro-intestinal areas when the very name of Paul Wolfowitz is mentioned.

There once was a young man with Down's Syndrome who worked at a fast-food restaurant in the Shire. Frodo and his canine companion of the time, Lovey, a border collie, often stopped at that location. The young man would immediately recognize Lovey, and he would rush toward her for an affectionate purpose. Lovey seemed to instinctively react to the young man, and would oh so gently greet him with dog kisses. Lovey seemed to know that the young man meant no harm, and she would be epecially respectful and loving. There was an awareness on her part, and who is to say that it wasn't electromagnetic in nature?

Frodo once owned a Rambler Station Wagon, with reclining seats. Bilbo used to say that she would love for that old car to talk and to tell her about Frodo's exploits in that motorcar. The electricity generated when the ignition was off and the radio played the sweet sounds of Johnny Mathis or the Fleetwoods was, so Frodo recalls, purely animal magnetism. Those were glory days.

Frodo wonders if anybody might have listed a vintage Rambler Station Wagon on Ebay?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:06 PM EDT

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Sunday, July 31, 2005

Wise Men Say Only Fools Rush In
Mood:

bright
Topic: "Chingachgook Lives"
Frodo, Legolas and Mick, the Wonder Dog, have safely returned to the Shire. This past Saturday they walked the Bald River Gorge in the Land of the Orangemen. Leaving their motorcar at the Bald River Falls in the Park of the Cherokee, they hiked from the falls upriver many miles, hoping to meet another trail which would lead them back to their starting place. Floods in the springtime however washed away a critical bridge, and the funds for repair are not as critical a need as the attempt to uncover weapons of mass destruction. The hikers returned via the same route as they used to enter the Gorge.

Filmed nearby was "The Last of the Mohicans," starring Daniel-Day Lewis. Frodo could not help but think of himself as the Deerslayer, accompanied by Uncas and Chingachgook, pursued by the evil Magua. Behind every waterfall or cascade Frodo looked for a cave wide enough to hide should Magua and his warriors suddenly emerge from the shrouded mountain laurel and rhododendron.

Mick was hesitant at first, unfamiliar as he is with a lead role on an unfamiliar trail. He held to Frodo's right, as if to keep himself between Frodo and the precipice of the trail falling steeply into the gorge. On the return trip he held firmly to the lead and stopped only to look and make sure that those who were his responsibility were accounted for. Several times, when Legolas lagged far behind, Mick would not go on until Legolas caught up and Mick could sniff his crotch to assure himself that he was as he appeared.

Legolas was deliberate, taking in both the diversity of the plant life, the incredible beauty of the river itself, and the occasional frog or salamander who wandered into view.

At one point, as the travelers tired from their all day march, Mick caught the sound of a roaring cascade, and the refreshment that whizzed by in its' course. Dimples, as big as a bathtub, had been carved into the rockfall, and many were filled with water. Mick found one to his liking, crawled in, promptly sat down, and proceeded to drink his fill. Legolas took off his shirt, dipped it in a similar pool, and squeezed the pure water down over his head. Frodo removed his shoes and socks, and dangled his feet in a cooling eddy. The water could not have been more than 50 degrees, and each of the travelers concluded it was as close to heaven as any had yet come.

It was a great day. One that humbles Hobbit and Elf, and that cements a relationship with a dog that will mark those days when there are no more outings together. Frodo is grateful for every such day.

It could have been a very bad day. Had the travelers continued on the second trail and attempted, tired as they were, to cross the roaring river at the spot where the bridge had been, tragedy would have been a likely end.

The Forest Service does what it can with what it gets. Frodo will not be surprised when he reads about the travelers who followed, and their unsuccessful crossing. Frodo guesses it is more important to extend that Halliburton contract in Rep. DeLay's Congressional District, than it is to re-build a footbridge. Who knows, the next kid that drowns there might be a Mohican?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:48 PM EDT

Updated: Saturday, August 13, 2005 9:46 PM EDT

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Thursday, July 28, 2005

You Can't Always Get What You Want
Mood:

silly
Topic: "Look for da Union Label"
Previously Frodo described the health condition of his long-time friend Rocky (see "The Italian Stallion"). Rocky continues his magnificent rebound and has actually gained a little weight. He has, however become an African-American. His fur is matted into corn rows, and he is unwilling to tolerate efforts to brush him. He has developed some memory problems, and can't seem to remember when, if, or how much he has eaten. He discusses it at great length with himself in a shrill manner at all hours of the early morning.

Sam's Father has reached an advanced age and, after Sam's Stepmother fell prey to Alzheimer's, required Assisted Living. The couple had a cat whom they never really named. Fearful that the 3 year-old white male might become disoriented in the Assisted Living facility, the decision was made that "Beau" would come to the Shire.

Rocky has seen creatures come and go over his 22 years. Under normal circumstances one more addition to the menagerie would be of minimal concern and/or interest. Sydney, the cockatiel, who often flies down to sleep with Rocky, will require some re-programming. Mick, Fiona, and Georgia will sniff his butt and ignore him. The concern for Frodo is how the real Lord and Master will handle the intruder.

Yesterday, when Frodo returned from Mount Doom, and after he had greeted the larger members of the pack, he saw the "dog door" swing free and heard the incessant yammering of his first feline companion. It was if he were issuing a report on what had transpired in Frodo's absence. Following is a translation of the conversation.

"Do you know what Sam has done? Sam brought another cat into this house, and it stinks! Sam must plan to replace me with this illegal alien. I demand to speak to my Union Representative!"
"Whoa big fella, you da man. Nobody can replace you."
"Yeah, well, our contract requires that you consult with me before personnel actions are taken here in the Shire."
"Honestly, Sam has been talking about this with you for months, and trying to get you used to the idea."
"Who pays attention to that kind of talk, I just assumed that Sam was just engaging in a little verbal foreplay in order to get me to eat that stuff in the blue can that I don't like."
"Come on in, let's take a look at the new guy, and see if we can't establish some groundrules."
"You go establish groundrules, I am going to file a grievance against both of you, and I know two Hobbits who better test their tennis shoes before putting them on 'cause I feel a need to spray my markers around this place."

With that the conversation ended. Beau is on one floor, Rocky commands all others. Frodo is glad that Sam's Father never got into reptiles, hamsters, or cattle.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:06 PM EDT

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Monday, July 25, 2005

Make it Easy on Yourself, 'Cause Breakin' Up is so Very Hard to do
Mood:

blue
Topic: "Lights of Chicago"
The transition from "The Big Band Sound" to "Rock and Roll" arguably denotes a seismic progression in music which may never be fully defined. It was racial, it was sexual, it was a generation coming of age in a world defined by the Nuclear. Matriculation to adulthood in these times meant that music was a defining part of the id. Frodo, in tribute, offers a musical line to title each entry in this chronicle.

One of Frodo's favorite favorites goes something like this, "Ooooh Girl, I'll be in trouble if you leave me now, Ooooh Girl. . ." "Oh Girl" was sung by the Chi-Lites, and it rocketed to Number One on the "charts" in 1972. It was followed soon thereafter by the mellifluous "Have You Seen Her?, Tell Me Have You Seen Her. . .?" The vocals actually emote yearning with streamlined arrangements and an occasionally pensive narrative, seemingly wrapped in velvet. These "soul sounds" still bring unrestrained movements to hips and pelvis now less fluid than when there was meaning to the sway.

The Chi-Lites named themselves after the lights of their hometown. Their leader, Eugene Record, age 64, died this past week. Frodo has observed and admired many "Jazz Funerals" in the City of Orleans, and he wishes that he, too, could dance and twirl an umbrella in tribute to a man whose creations will always be a part of Frodo.

"Ooooh Girl. . ."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:08 PM EDT

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Sunday, July 24, 2005

Sometimes All I Want is the Air That I Breathe
Mood:

accident prone
Topic: "Butterflies? Sheesh!"
Frodo is very proud of his garden in the Shire. Native plants, perennials, wildflowers, bulbs, and unidentified woody structures seem to keep a year-round bloom. Birds, squirrels (unfortunately), and butterflies abound, but today Frodo learned something that may change some of his focus.

Ruud Kleinpaste hosts a new show on Animal Planet called "Buggin' With Ruud." This gig ups the ante with physical stunts and acts of entomological derring-do in the vein of "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin. Kleinpaste will pull almost any stunt to spread his love for bugs. Last week he completed his eighth episode filmed entirely in the Okenfenokee Swamp, one of the creepiest, crawliest places on our planet, as well as a site for several visits by Frodo, Sam, and on one occasion, Legolas.

Saving bugs may sound like the quest of a true tree-hugger, and Kleinpaste does have a Master's in Forestry, but his mission has true scientific value. Cockroaches, ants, and maggots are nature's trash compactors, and mosquitoes are a primary food source for birds, fish, and many other animals. Increasing awareness of their value in nature's balance is a worthwhile endeavor.

Frodo believes however that Kleinpaste may have crossed the line, and his actions have produced negative consequences. In his most recent taping, Kleinpaste points to a dark mass alongside a murky pond in the Okefenokee, atop which are six swallowtail butterflies. The yellow and black aviators also abound amongst the butterfly bushes in Frodo's garden. Kleinpaste then reveals that the brown mass is the result of his own call from nature. He had relieved himself as a demonstration of the attraction that butterflies have for human waste.

Shoo, butterfly, shoo. You know that one over there looks remarkably like Paul Wolfowitz.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:13 PM EDT

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Saturday, July 23, 2005

He Can't Run His Own Life, I'll be Damned if He'll Run Mine
Mood:

on fire
Topic: "Frodo Regrets"
Once upon a time, the Republican National Committee got Frodo's name as a businessman, and they started sending him unsolicited material. These geniuses assumed that all businesspeople are Republicans, and that they naturally would want to contribute to the effort to cut personal taxes, and be damned with the impact on our country and its' people. They made a boo-boo!

One of the solicitations included a pre-addressed, postage paid, envelope. Frodo went into the outbuilding housing his motorcar and found a sturdy box. Inside the box Frodo stacked the bricks he had been accumulating for just such an event. When the box was filled, Frodo neatly taped the box and pasted the pre-addressed, postage paid, envelope on the outside of the box. He then drove to the Postal Office nearby and hand-delivered the package to the appropriate officials in blue.

Strangely enough Frodo did not receive any additional solicitations from the Republican National Committee for many years. That is until George W. Bush sent him a Christmas Card.

Frodo has been laying for the Incomparable Moron, knowing that he will again have an opportunity to heap a little dung on the head of what is truly the worst Presidency in American History. This week, an opportunity passed by Frodo, and he chose not to act.

George W. Bush came to The Shire, and he was the guest of the Metro Atlanta Chamber of Commerce, of which Frodo is a member. As a Member, Frodo was offered two tickets to sit in the "whites only" section of applauding neo-cons who sit behind the President and applaud even when he says something totally stupid. You know, dear reader, the kind of event which is strictly controlled so that "the rabble" are not allowed to protest the incompetence, and he ends up speaking only to a choir of like-minded simpletons.

Here was Frodo's opportunity to exhibit public protest, and to probably even get some air time on MSNBC if he were to "moon" George W. Bush. Frodo chose, instead, to write a polite letter to the President of the Metro Atlanta Chamber of Commerce, thanking him for the invitation and declining to attend "due to the fact that there is not enough money on the face of our planet to coax me into sharing a podium with the only President who has ever truly hurt our country."

There is a time when Frodo would have "mooned" the Incomparable Moron. If Boromir and Legolas had been with him, they would have shared the same cell with him for at least 48 hours.

Something more appropriate will come our way, because our opponent is bound to do something stupid again, soon.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 3:59 PM EDT

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