Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Won't Come Back From Deadman's Curve
Mood:

d'oh
Topic: "Small Victories"
Late on a Sunday afternoon in the Shire, and Frodo sits in the Gazebo, surrounded by screening to ward off the carriers of the West Nile. Outside Fiona and Mick, the Wonder Dog, keep watch for squirrels from picket posts dug deep beneath forsythia. Birds hover to feeders in search of their favorite seed. Butterflies flit from passion flower to butterfly bush in search of their favorite nectar. The Sports, Metro, and Living sections of the paper lie at Frodo's feet.

At the hummingbird feeder hanging protectively from the shingled roof of the Gazebo, rivals contest for the rights to the sugary liquid which will soon power them onward. Sometimes arriving from the opposite direction, they occasionally appear confused by the screening and have difficulty figuring out how to get to the feeder.

Suddenly, an emergency. A hummingbird tries to penetrate the screening and hits it with sufficient force that his long proboscis is stuck in the mesh. Frodo is not prepared for this kind of event. All he knows is that the little creature is greatly distressed, and is in real danger of hurting himself. Frodo stands quickly and the ruby throat glistens in the sunlight. Frodo knows better than to touch anything, for the best of intentions could produce a broken beak, and subsequent starvation.

Frodo thinks he can see into the eyes of the hummingbird, and seems to hear a mixture of fear and pleading. Frodo takes a step forward directly toward the prisoner, and the hummingbird instinctively pulls straight back and is free.

He hovers for just a moment, probably just getting his bearings. How arrogant of Frodo to think that the pause was for any other reason.

Tomorrow we'll find a new location for the feeder. Close by, where Frodo can keep watch, but with less potential danger for innocent friends. Wisdom that would befit a President.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:34 PM EDT

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Thursday, August 25, 2005

I Went Down to The Audubon Zoo, And They All Asked For You
Mood:

hug me
Topic: "Sticker Shock"
"The existing and long-standing use of the word 'evolution' in our state's textbooks has not adversely affected Georgians' belief in the omnipotence of God as creator of the Universe. There can be no incompatibility between Christian faith and proven facts concerning geology, biology, and astronomy. There is no need to teach that stars can fall out of the sky and land on a flat earth in order to defend religious faith. . ."--James E. Carter, January 2005.

The State Superintendent of Schools, Republican Kathy Cox, was ordered to remove from all High School Biology textbooks a "sticker" which noted that "evolution" was a theory and that it should be considered consistent with other theories. This "sticker" is, of course, consistent with the ordered opinion of the current President of the United States, George "Wiliiam Jennings Bryan" Bushman.

Frodo was struck by the Bushman's reference to "Intelligent Design," subsequent to the Georgia ruling. Frodo smelled another attempt to paint "activist judges" as incompatible with the reasoned opinions of God-fearing American citizens. Frodo decided therefore to conduct a survey in order to determine whether former President Carter's opinion, or that of the Bushman actually mirrored public opinion in The Shire. Note dear reader that the survey was based on the responses of 100% of those to whom questions were addressed.

100% of the male feline contingent of the Shire felt that the Bushman proved himself to be an alcoholic, a junkie, a coward, and a moron, but not necessarily in that order.

100% of the female canine contingent of the Shire felt that the Bushman was entirely consistent in his behavior, noting that he has never told the truth about anything.

100% of the male avian contingent of the Shire expressed the opinion that the Bushman never did learn how to fly, to talk, or otherwise perform on his own.

100% of the male canine contingent expressed the belief that the Bushman served a purpose as a substitute fireplug.

100% of the Hobbits in the Shire are convinced that the Bushman is living proof that evolution is not without flaws.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:56 PM EDT

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Wednesday, August 24, 2005

What Ever Happened to Randolph Scott?
Mood:

cheeky
Topic: "RSVP"
Washington--Mr. Robert Novak and Mr. Karl Rove today announced that they have filed for "civil union status" in the District of Columbia. Acknowledging a "long time on-going secret affair," the happy couple proclaimed their love for each other in a public display which gagged nearly every maggot on K Street.

Responding to a question from a group of reporters, Novak labeled as "patently offensive" any insinuation that the ceremony provided "spousal immunity" for either, or both, who may be charged with Treason as a result of the investigation into the disclosure of Special Agent Valerie Plames' identity as an undercover operative of the CIA. Novak stated that he was not going to tolerate any more such abuse, and promptly walked away from the podium.

Rove was dressed in a double-breasted suit recently worn by the late Walter Brennan. Rove carried a bouquet composed of tumbleweed and skunk cabbage which was freshly picked from the farm fields in Crawford, Texas. Guests at the civil ceremony included Ahmed Chahabi, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Linda Tripp. The Reverend Pat Robertson attended, and blessed the couple with a reading from "My Pet Goat."

As the couple departed the "D.C Building," they passed through a tunnel of sabres held by members of the "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth." They were whisked away to a secret location in a convoy of SUV's with Texas license plates and Secret Service protection. They did have to stop for gas.

Neither Secretary of State Rice nor her "husb" were in attendance. Vice President Cheney was unable to attend because he remains in an undisclosed location. Novak will continue his regular column in "My Weekly Reader" when he returns, and Rove will announce his new assignment as roving reporter for The National Enquirer.

The White House acknowledged the happy event and announced that Rafael Palmiero would replace Rove as Deputy Chief of Staff.

"Live, from the South Lawn, Frodo reporting. Now back to 'Hardball'."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:49 PM EDT

Updated: Wednesday, August 24, 2005 8:50 PM EDT

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Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Think What The Future Would be With a Poor Boy Like Me
Mood:

incredulous
Topic: "Pat bin Laden"
"Frodo."
"Yes Master"
"I would like you to build an Ark."
"Right. What's an Ark?"
"An Ark is a great ship into which you will place a mated pair of all my creations."
"Right. Does the definition of 'mated pair' include civil unions?"
"I will cause a great flood to destroy all the Earth, and only those aboard the Ark will survive."
"Right. How big is this Ark supposed to be?"
"It will be 200 cubits by 100 cubits in length and width, and will stand more than 50 cubits in heigth."
"Right. What's a cubit?"

"Master?"
"Yes Frodo?"
"Why are you doing this?"
"Frodo, of all my creations, Man has been my greatest disappointment. I fear that he has used my Word to serve Mammon, and that nothing I do can bring him back to the Path of Righteousness."
"But Master there are many who serve you with devotion and honour."
"I know that Frodo, but those who act in my Name to spread destruction upon this Earth will leave it barren and lifeless."
"Master, how can I choose amongst all thy creations but two of each? How will I know that I have picked correctly?"
"Frodo, beware of he who says he acts in my Name."

"Hi there, my name's Pat Robertson, and that's a mighty pretty Ark you got goin' there."
"Right."
"Why I'll bet it's at least 200 yards long. I know a lot about bettin' since I own my own racehorse."
"Right."
"Mr. Frodo you sure there's plenty of room for me and my racehorse on that there Ark? You know, I was out there talkin' to the Master out there about that Evil Mr. Chavez down there in Venezuela, and he told me that there is a place for all those who say they act in his Name."
"Right."

And so it came to pass that the Earth was struck by a Flood of greater proportions than ever before known. After 40 days and 40 nights, the Great Ark came to rest on Iraq. Frodo and his friends looked upon the land that had been, and all that remained was a great sign. The sign read "Mission Accomplished."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:09 PM EDT

Updated: Tuesday, August 23, 2005 8:28 PM EDT

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Thursday, August 18, 2005

I'm on Top of The World Looking Down at Creation
Mood:

vegas lucky
Topic: "Gas Guzzler A-Go-Go"
Have you ever wondered how they take attendance at a NASCAR event? Frodo has always believed that they count the number of teeth and divide by four.

Frodo resents the presence of NASCAR and any reference to "Awesome Bill from Dawsonville" in his Sports pages in the newspaper. Sports is about sports, things that cause the participants to sweat. Sports is not about the absence of physical dexterity, strength, endurance, or hand-eye coordination. Frodo has never read a single article about NASCAR or Women's Basketball (Women's Basketball is another subject for another time, and may be headlined under "alternate lifestyles").

The Shire is in competition with several other major cities for the creation of a NASCAR Hall of Fame. Charlotte, Daytona Beach, Kansas City, and Richmond have also proffered substantial financial incentives in order to enhance the opportunity to attract this major "tourist attraction."

Are these people all crazy? Doesn't anybody remember "Freaknik," when every over-sexed black college student in America showed up in The Shire each spring in order to parade nude in public and tie-up traffic? Imagine, dear reader, thousands of "Recreational Vehicles" piloted by individuals at least 50% above the recommended body weight, waving Confederate Flags and crying over the departure of somebody named Dale. Imagine all of these vehicles holding a giant "tailgate party" hosted by that debonair Governor of Georgia "Sonny" (aka "Curly") Perdue.

The Guvnah screams at the podium "Boys, y'all start yer injuns." Frodo is overcome by the thrust of 100,000,000 psi's of carbon monoxide added to the ozone haze swallowing his homeland.

Frodo is on his knees, in all humility, with the hope that Kansas City (which seems to be the greatest distance from The Shire of all the contesting cities) emerges victorious in this endeavour. It should be noted that there is neither a reason nor a likelihood that Frodo will ever have a need to be anywhere in the vicinity of Kansas City.

Good luck to all you Kansans (or Missourians?)!

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:32 PM EDT

Updated: Thursday, August 18, 2005 9:37 PM EDT

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Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Did You Ever Have to Finally Decide, to Say Yes to One And Let The Other One Slide?
Mood:

crushed out
Topic: "Persons of the Year"
"I just think people should have a right to protest without being harassed and I'm against the war. I don't think it's a war we need to be in."--Fred Mattlage.

For the first time in recorded history Frodo has noted a quotation by a resident of the State of Texas that is neither imbecilic, misguided, nor totally incorrect. Mr. Mattlage, a resident of Crawford, Texas, is the gentleman who made an acre of his private land available for the protestors outside the Bush Compound. All other comments aside, simply put, Frodo says "Thank You." Frodo can't help but wonder where Mattlage is actually from, surely he wasn't born there in Losersville?

Joining the Sheehan Crusade this evening is a lady named Colleen Rowley. If that name sounds vaguely familiar dear reader, try this memory hint. FBI Agent stationed in Phoenix, Arizona, who submitted a report noting that several aliens were taking commercial flying lessons at private locations across the country? Another hint? Well, the subjects included a guy named Zacarias Moussaoui, and all of the classes were taken during the months preceding September 11th, 2001. That's right, that Colleen Rowley!

Colleen Rowley has retired from the FBI, and is an announced candidate for a Congressional Seat in Minnesota, where she is running as a Democrat. Ms. Rowley was one of the TIME Magazine "Persons of the Year 2002."

A Texas farmer and a retired FBI Agent. One might wonder what brings two such diverse people together one summer's night in Texas? Frodo thinks it is the light from a single candle.

"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine;
This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. . ." Sing the song children!

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:50 PM EDT

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Monday, August 15, 2005

You Can Tell by the Way I Walk, I'm a Woman's Man
Mood:

cheeky
Topic: "Mordor or Antarctica?"
Frodo did a bad thing. To mark a rather significant milestone in their relationship, Frodo offered Sam "the world." Frodo told Sam to pick one place in the entire world, someplace that Sam had always wanted to visit, and Frodo would take Sam to visit that place. The only limitations being that it must be someplace Sam wanted, and that it could not be anyplace in the State of Texas.

Sam is almost catatonic. Sam has been visiting internet websites, reading travel brochures, and seeking counsel from travel wizards throughout the land. Frodo never suspected that the decision would be this difficult, but has come to appreciate the dilemma of too many choices.

At first, Frodo was convinced that a cruise around Australia, New Zealand, and Tasmania would be the hands down winner. That trip would encompass 27 days, a long time to be away from Rocky, the Wonder Cat (still 22 years and holding). Scotland, Wales, and the Normandy Coast looked good, but probably a bit cooler than we would prefer. Spain, Portugal, and Morocco would open a new continent to our travels and still allow Sam the pleasure of plastic plants in the evening. Sam fears that would place Frodo too close to Monte Carlo ("Bond, James Bond.")

Another cruise through the Greek Isles, including Dubrovnik (Frodo likes saying that word, ala Yul Brynner, "Dewbrovenick"), sounded too good to be true and apparently is, because Sam dropped the subject entirely. Visiting Belize and Costa Rica would give sun, sand, jungle and birds, but always seem to be packaged with places already seen. Sorrento, Florence, and Venice likewise include too much time in a motorcar (or some oversized facsimilie). The Orient is too far to travel by plane, and why go somewhere that contains more people than a New York City subway?

Violence in the world puts many locations off limits to residents of the Shire. Visiting the Pyramids, Singapore, Baghdad, the Great Rift Valley, or the Plains of Troy is beyond the realm of caution and sanity. Thanks George!

Sam grows increasingly tense. If the energy level is high, then the spirit of adventure fills the air about the dinner hour. If the energy level is low, places closer to the Shire are mentioned from time-to-time.

Frodo has a list of places to go that Sam barely mentions. The Galapagos Islands, Rio and Sao Paulo, the Amazon, Machu Picchu, St. Petersburg, Johannesburg, Kodiak Island, and, of course, Monte Carlo. Alas, Frodo will not intervene, because this trip is one that Sam has earned. Consider the quandary, dear reader, and pray tell where that one choice would take you?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:27 PM EDT

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Saturday, August 13, 2005

I Get a Peaceful Easy Feeling, I Know You Won't Let Me Down
Mood:

chatty
Topic: "Op-Ed"
Merry is a Hobbit with ink in her veins. Frodo learned that she spent most of her professional career in the newspaper business, and it was clear that she had been very good at what she did. Merry shared in a Pulitzer Prize won by her employer at the time, the Jackson Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Mississippi. Frodo got to touch the Pulitzer. George W. Bush would think that he was talking about a juke box.

Merry has inherited retinitis pigmentosa, and she is losing her vision. The same thing happened to her father, and it is now happening to her son. It caused her to retire very early, and to apply for Social Security Disability.

Frodo met Merry on the Internet, at the Forum of MoveOn.org, and he was verily impressed by the structure of what she wrote, as well as the passion in her words. Since they shared upbringing in the same part of Middle Earth their interests and stories were familiar. Frodo told Sam about what he had learned and, since Merry did not live too far from the Shire, Sam suggested that he ask Merry if they could come and visit. It was a good day. Frodo and Sam visited a community they had not seen before, and they shared barbeque and sweet tea with their new friend. They talked about Faulkner and football, they discussed Emmett Till and the Highlander Center, and they jointly passed judgment on the failures of George W. Bush.

Merry's vision has worsened. Apparently the strain from a computer screen was exacerbating the problem, so Merry had to disconnect herself from her new-found friends on the Internet. She asked all of her correspondents not to forget her, and to write her letters whenever possible. Some do, some others call from time-to-time, but, she confides, that isn't as much fun as a letter. Some others just have a lot of other things to do, and that is, indeed, understandable.

If you're reading Frodo now, and you have a few extra minutes, and you recognize the name of B.J Trotter in this chronicle, do us both a favor and drop her a line. As the folks at MoveOn are fond of saying, "Thank you, for all that you do."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:16 PM EDT

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Friday, August 12, 2005

Four Lonely Days in a Brown LA Haze
Mood:

loud
Topic: "Walkin' the Walk"
It is no secret that Frodo has always admired the ladies except, that is, for the racetrack. Some of his best money documents the foolhardy confidence given to a well-turned ankle or rounded butt as it comes off the far turn. Be that as it may, Frodo finds himself admiring the fortitude shown by those he was once deemed to protect. Cindy Sheehan is a case in point.

A Cretin named Johnny W. Hall from Douglasville, Georgia, wrote an "Op-Ed" column in a recent edition of the Atlanta Journal & Constitution. Per the picture which accompanied his submission, Hall looks somewhat like Karl Rove, with stubble at various locations about his head and shoulders. Hall wrote that Ms. Sheehan "evidently thinks little of her deceased son," because of her vigil outside the Bush enclave in Lower Crawford. In typical paleolithic prose he proceeded to attack her patriotism and condemn her for giving aid and comfort to those who killed her son.

The newspaper reported the next morning that all of the first fifty letters they received the next morning condemned the Hall litany, and that none supported his comments. Remember now, this is Georgia, the reddest of the red states, from which Zell Miller launched his insane support of the Incomparable Moron. This is Georgia, the State in which there are actually people who would support Ralph Reed in his bid for Lt. Governor.

In the words of the song, "Something's happenin' here, what it is ain't exactly clear. . .," and it has to do with a Gold Star Mother on a vigil in the name of her son, a victim of the Bush War. Frodo wants to stand up and cheer, for it may have taken a lady with fortitude to launch a full frontal assault on an evil and misguided policy. The "Swift Boat Veterans" have no credibility in this argument, and as Bill Maher has said, Ms. Sheehan may have put Bush "between Iraq and a hard place."

There is no place so forlorn as West Texas. It must be very hard for her, even as more and more supporters arrive every day, to suffer in that horrible place. Frodo watches this brave lady charge around the first turn, and suddenly no opponent is kicking mud in her face. The crowd senses a strong charge down the backstretch, and Frodo is very proud that his bet is on the filly.
Godspeed.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:33 PM EDT

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Thursday, August 11, 2005

Some People Say There's a Woman to Blame, But I Know It's My Own Damn Fault
Mood:

a-ok
Topic: "W is for Wuss""
Frodo salutes US Air Force Reserve Lt. Colonel Alexis Fecteau, Director of Operations for Reserve Forces at the National Security Space Institute, Colorado Springs, Colorado. Fecteau was arrested at the Denver International Airport for allegedly vandalizing automobiles bearing Pro-Bush bumper stickers. Police allege that a camera planted in a vehicle to catch a "serial vandal," identified Fecteau.

Frodo is pretty sick of those "W" stickers on all those cheap cars and SUV's. It is as if these sickos have to remind us that there is a President, and that they have something to say even if their kid is not an honor student. Frodo is taking it one step further, and has decided not to support the Washington Nationals Baseball Team, simply because they all wear a "W" on their caps.

Frodo has resisted the urge to spill pig's blood on all those Chevy Novas and Ford Explorers, but he has admiration for a military officer with courage and independence. Besides, how could you vandalize a Chevy Nova? Anything you do would make it more attractive.

Frodo wonders if he has a "W" sticker on his chainsaw? In fact, it is likely that he is using "W" stickers for all of his valuables, imagine "ex libris of 'W'" on a copy of "My Pet Goat."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:03 PM EDT

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