Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Monday, August 15, 2005

You Can Tell by the Way I Walk, I'm a Woman's Man
Mood:

cheeky
Topic: "Mordor or Antarctica?"
Frodo did a bad thing. To mark a rather significant milestone in their relationship, Frodo offered Sam "the world." Frodo told Sam to pick one place in the entire world, someplace that Sam had always wanted to visit, and Frodo would take Sam to visit that place. The only limitations being that it must be someplace Sam wanted, and that it could not be anyplace in the State of Texas.

Sam is almost catatonic. Sam has been visiting internet websites, reading travel brochures, and seeking counsel from travel wizards throughout the land. Frodo never suspected that the decision would be this difficult, but has come to appreciate the dilemma of too many choices.

At first, Frodo was convinced that a cruise around Australia, New Zealand, and Tasmania would be the hands down winner. That trip would encompass 27 days, a long time to be away from Rocky, the Wonder Cat (still 22 years and holding). Scotland, Wales, and the Normandy Coast looked good, but probably a bit cooler than we would prefer. Spain, Portugal, and Morocco would open a new continent to our travels and still allow Sam the pleasure of plastic plants in the evening. Sam fears that would place Frodo too close to Monte Carlo ("Bond, James Bond.")

Another cruise through the Greek Isles, including Dubrovnik (Frodo likes saying that word, ala Yul Brynner, "Dewbrovenick"), sounded too good to be true and apparently is, because Sam dropped the subject entirely. Visiting Belize and Costa Rica would give sun, sand, jungle and birds, but always seem to be packaged with places already seen. Sorrento, Florence, and Venice likewise include too much time in a motorcar (or some oversized facsimilie). The Orient is too far to travel by plane, and why go somewhere that contains more people than a New York City subway?

Violence in the world puts many locations off limits to residents of the Shire. Visiting the Pyramids, Singapore, Baghdad, the Great Rift Valley, or the Plains of Troy is beyond the realm of caution and sanity. Thanks George!

Sam grows increasingly tense. If the energy level is high, then the spirit of adventure fills the air about the dinner hour. If the energy level is low, places closer to the Shire are mentioned from time-to-time.

Frodo has a list of places to go that Sam barely mentions. The Galapagos Islands, Rio and Sao Paulo, the Amazon, Machu Picchu, St. Petersburg, Johannesburg, Kodiak Island, and, of course, Monte Carlo. Alas, Frodo will not intervene, because this trip is one that Sam has earned. Consider the quandary, dear reader, and pray tell where that one choice would take you?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:27 PM EDT

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Saturday, August 13, 2005

I Get a Peaceful Easy Feeling, I Know You Won't Let Me Down
Mood:

chatty
Topic: "Op-Ed"
Merry is a Hobbit with ink in her veins. Frodo learned that she spent most of her professional career in the newspaper business, and it was clear that she had been very good at what she did. Merry shared in a Pulitzer Prize won by her employer at the time, the Jackson Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Mississippi. Frodo got to touch the Pulitzer. George W. Bush would think that he was talking about a juke box.

Merry has inherited retinitis pigmentosa, and she is losing her vision. The same thing happened to her father, and it is now happening to her son. It caused her to retire very early, and to apply for Social Security Disability.

Frodo met Merry on the Internet, at the Forum of MoveOn.org, and he was verily impressed by the structure of what she wrote, as well as the passion in her words. Since they shared upbringing in the same part of Middle Earth their interests and stories were familiar. Frodo told Sam about what he had learned and, since Merry did not live too far from the Shire, Sam suggested that he ask Merry if they could come and visit. It was a good day. Frodo and Sam visited a community they had not seen before, and they shared barbeque and sweet tea with their new friend. They talked about Faulkner and football, they discussed Emmett Till and the Highlander Center, and they jointly passed judgment on the failures of George W. Bush.

Merry's vision has worsened. Apparently the strain from a computer screen was exacerbating the problem, so Merry had to disconnect herself from her new-found friends on the Internet. She asked all of her correspondents not to forget her, and to write her letters whenever possible. Some do, some others call from time-to-time, but, she confides, that isn't as much fun as a letter. Some others just have a lot of other things to do, and that is, indeed, understandable.

If you're reading Frodo now, and you have a few extra minutes, and you recognize the name of B.J Trotter in this chronicle, do us both a favor and drop her a line. As the folks at MoveOn are fond of saying, "Thank you, for all that you do."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:16 PM EDT

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Friday, August 12, 2005

Four Lonely Days in a Brown LA Haze
Mood:

loud
Topic: "Walkin' the Walk"
It is no secret that Frodo has always admired the ladies except, that is, for the racetrack. Some of his best money documents the foolhardy confidence given to a well-turned ankle or rounded butt as it comes off the far turn. Be that as it may, Frodo finds himself admiring the fortitude shown by those he was once deemed to protect. Cindy Sheehan is a case in point.

A Cretin named Johnny W. Hall from Douglasville, Georgia, wrote an "Op-Ed" column in a recent edition of the Atlanta Journal & Constitution. Per the picture which accompanied his submission, Hall looks somewhat like Karl Rove, with stubble at various locations about his head and shoulders. Hall wrote that Ms. Sheehan "evidently thinks little of her deceased son," because of her vigil outside the Bush enclave in Lower Crawford. In typical paleolithic prose he proceeded to attack her patriotism and condemn her for giving aid and comfort to those who killed her son.

The newspaper reported the next morning that all of the first fifty letters they received the next morning condemned the Hall litany, and that none supported his comments. Remember now, this is Georgia, the reddest of the red states, from which Zell Miller launched his insane support of the Incomparable Moron. This is Georgia, the State in which there are actually people who would support Ralph Reed in his bid for Lt. Governor.

In the words of the song, "Something's happenin' here, what it is ain't exactly clear. . .," and it has to do with a Gold Star Mother on a vigil in the name of her son, a victim of the Bush War. Frodo wants to stand up and cheer, for it may have taken a lady with fortitude to launch a full frontal assault on an evil and misguided policy. The "Swift Boat Veterans" have no credibility in this argument, and as Bill Maher has said, Ms. Sheehan may have put Bush "between Iraq and a hard place."

There is no place so forlorn as West Texas. It must be very hard for her, even as more and more supporters arrive every day, to suffer in that horrible place. Frodo watches this brave lady charge around the first turn, and suddenly no opponent is kicking mud in her face. The crowd senses a strong charge down the backstretch, and Frodo is very proud that his bet is on the filly.
Godspeed.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:33 PM EDT

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Thursday, August 11, 2005

Some People Say There's a Woman to Blame, But I Know It's My Own Damn Fault
Mood:

a-ok
Topic: "W is for Wuss""
Frodo salutes US Air Force Reserve Lt. Colonel Alexis Fecteau, Director of Operations for Reserve Forces at the National Security Space Institute, Colorado Springs, Colorado. Fecteau was arrested at the Denver International Airport for allegedly vandalizing automobiles bearing Pro-Bush bumper stickers. Police allege that a camera planted in a vehicle to catch a "serial vandal," identified Fecteau.

Frodo is pretty sick of those "W" stickers on all those cheap cars and SUV's. It is as if these sickos have to remind us that there is a President, and that they have something to say even if their kid is not an honor student. Frodo is taking it one step further, and has decided not to support the Washington Nationals Baseball Team, simply because they all wear a "W" on their caps.

Frodo has resisted the urge to spill pig's blood on all those Chevy Novas and Ford Explorers, but he has admiration for a military officer with courage and independence. Besides, how could you vandalize a Chevy Nova? Anything you do would make it more attractive.

Frodo wonders if he has a "W" sticker on his chainsaw? In fact, it is likely that he is using "W" stickers for all of his valuables, imagine "ex libris of 'W'" on a copy of "My Pet Goat."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:03 PM EDT

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Monday, August 8, 2005

There Doesn't Seem to be Enough Time to do The Things You Want to do Once You Find Them
Mood:

not sure
Topic: "End of the Line"
Once upon a time Frodo was having lunch with a man from a distant land, and they were talking business. Frodo noticed a very distinguished man, accompanied by several acquaintances, enter the restaurant and seat themselves at a nearby booth. Frodo identified the gentleman immediately, and could not resist pointing him out to his own luncheon guest. "That is Walter Cronkite," said Frodo in his best impression of a cavalier star-gazer. His guest turned to observe, and said to Frodo, "Who is Walter Cronkite?"

He might as well have asked Frodo to explain the rules of baseball. Where would one start to define the role of the "most trusted man in America," "Uncle Walter," the man who told us what time JFK died, or who gave us the weekly number of North Vietnamese killed by Westmoreland's warriors? Frodo's guest had never watched the CBS Evening News, so he had no clue and Frodo found himself adrift in metaphor.

Brian Williams is no Tom Brokaw, and that speaks volumes about the nature of Network TV News. These days Frodo watches Bob Schieffer long enough to see the face and hear the story of the daily "Fallen Heroes." Frodo has no stomach for what follows, that which Ted Turner referred to as "the pervert of the day." Frodo misses having somebody report the news, for simply reading fails to conjure any imagination in the mind's eye.

Dan Rather never got it right. There is no need for the Network Anchor to be confrontational. Peter Jennings could wordlessly stare back into the camera at a poignant moment, and the whole world seemed locked together for one silent moment. Frodo will miss those moments with Peter Jennings.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:21 PM EDT

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Sunday, August 7, 2005

Each Night Before You go to Bed My Baby, Whisper a Little Prayer For Me
Mood:

don't ask
Topic: "Ah ah ah Stayin' Alive"
It begins in a place called Camp Anaconda, in a country once known as Iraq. This is the most frequently attacked military installation in the war zone. The chief nurse and those who work there every day call it "Mortaritaville." From here wounded soldiers start the long trek to recovery. The road eventually will take them to Germany, and then to the United States.

Frodo has learned that at least as many US troops have been injured during the Iraq War as in either the Revolutionary War, the War of 1812, or the first five years of Vietnam (1961-1965). 13,769 troops have been wounded, and survive. Another 1,823 represent the official death count. This translates to a rather interesting statistic, in that approximately 10% of those wounded have died. This compares to a figure of 24% for both the "Gulf War" and for Vietnam.

"MASH," and "China Beach" were two television shows that captured the pathos of war through the eyes of medical personnel. Frodo can almost cite dialogue from memory. No matter what those actors will or have done with the rest of their lives, Frodo will always be grateful for the message that they brought into our home.

Which brings us to the point of what needs to be said. Frodo extends his personal gratitude to the men and women who work at Camp Anaconda, and at the Landstuhl Regional Medical Center, and at Walter Reed. For all the enmity in Frodo's heart for those who initiated this waste of our most precious resource, he is very proud to be able to look up to those who work to save and to rebuild.

None of them are taking the month of August off.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:48 PM EDT

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Tuesday, August 2, 2005

Don't Know Much About The French I Took
Mood:

incredulous
Topic: "Sex or Gender?"
There are times when Frodo thinks he has heard everything. Then, all of a sudden, Frodo simply stops in his tracks, shuffles his feet, rotates his head from side-to-side, and wonders if anyone is even listening. Dear Reader, did you hear what that lunatic said today about the freedoms inherent in the still-being formulated Iraqi Constitution? It was stated that the Iraqi Constitution must guarantee equality for all citizens regardless of "sex, ethnicity, or gender."

No? Read it again. "Sex"(Probably referring either to men or women), "ethnicity"(Methinks we got that down pretty good), or "gender"(Does this have something to do with the nominative or the possessive?).

Every time Frodo picks up a newspaper he reads someone commenting on what the American Constitution "says," as opposed to what it "means." Frodo wonders if the authors of that document were also concerned about the difference between "sex" and "gender?" That is probably why the French susequently decided to zero in on "liberty," "equality," and "fraternity." The French apparently know that "sex" and "gender" are issues which mean more to the Christian Coalition than to those who risked their "sacred life, honour, and fortune" in pursuit of human rights.

For many years the SETI project has been beaming radio waves into the far reaches of the universe in search of intelligent life on other planets. Frodo believes that somewhere out there they have been getting our messages for a long, long time. They've probably been shuffling their feet, rotating their heads from side-to-side, and are very glad that we haven't made it out that far.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:43 PM EDT

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Monday, August 1, 2005

We Made Love in My Chevy Van and That's All Right by Me
Mood:

surprised
Topic: "All Charged Up"
Dr. Bob Harbort actually worked at the Princeton University Anomalies Research (don't ask how they come up with the acronym PEAR) facility setting a research agenda for consciousness studies. He reports that a combination of skin PH and static electricity will occasionally produce a confluence of factors which make the human body a storeplace for electromagnetic energy. The result being that wristwatches stop whenever the individual touches a computer keyboard. By the same token, some individuals seem to emit "negative energy," and exhibit no response whatsoever to even an electric shock.

Frodo has long accepted the fact that some people just turn him "off" or "on." George W. Bush gives off total negative energy to Frodo. Mysteriously, whenever the Incomparable Moron appears on a television set anywhere near Frodo, it automatically turns itself off. Ann Coulter makes every clock in the vicinity come to a dead stop whenever her face appears in print or on video. Frodo also reports the build-up of gases in his gastro-intestinal areas when the very name of Paul Wolfowitz is mentioned.

There once was a young man with Down's Syndrome who worked at a fast-food restaurant in the Shire. Frodo and his canine companion of the time, Lovey, a border collie, often stopped at that location. The young man would immediately recognize Lovey, and he would rush toward her for an affectionate purpose. Lovey seemed to instinctively react to the young man, and would oh so gently greet him with dog kisses. Lovey seemed to know that the young man meant no harm, and she would be epecially respectful and loving. There was an awareness on her part, and who is to say that it wasn't electromagnetic in nature?

Frodo once owned a Rambler Station Wagon, with reclining seats. Bilbo used to say that she would love for that old car to talk and to tell her about Frodo's exploits in that motorcar. The electricity generated when the ignition was off and the radio played the sweet sounds of Johnny Mathis or the Fleetwoods was, so Frodo recalls, purely animal magnetism. Those were glory days.

Frodo wonders if anybody might have listed a vintage Rambler Station Wagon on Ebay?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:06 PM EDT

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Sunday, July 31, 2005

Wise Men Say Only Fools Rush In
Mood:

bright
Topic: "Chingachgook Lives"
Frodo, Legolas and Mick, the Wonder Dog, have safely returned to the Shire. This past Saturday they walked the Bald River Gorge in the Land of the Orangemen. Leaving their motorcar at the Bald River Falls in the Park of the Cherokee, they hiked from the falls upriver many miles, hoping to meet another trail which would lead them back to their starting place. Floods in the springtime however washed away a critical bridge, and the funds for repair are not as critical a need as the attempt to uncover weapons of mass destruction. The hikers returned via the same route as they used to enter the Gorge.

Filmed nearby was "The Last of the Mohicans," starring Daniel-Day Lewis. Frodo could not help but think of himself as the Deerslayer, accompanied by Uncas and Chingachgook, pursued by the evil Magua. Behind every waterfall or cascade Frodo looked for a cave wide enough to hide should Magua and his warriors suddenly emerge from the shrouded mountain laurel and rhododendron.

Mick was hesitant at first, unfamiliar as he is with a lead role on an unfamiliar trail. He held to Frodo's right, as if to keep himself between Frodo and the precipice of the trail falling steeply into the gorge. On the return trip he held firmly to the lead and stopped only to look and make sure that those who were his responsibility were accounted for. Several times, when Legolas lagged far behind, Mick would not go on until Legolas caught up and Mick could sniff his crotch to assure himself that he was as he appeared.

Legolas was deliberate, taking in both the diversity of the plant life, the incredible beauty of the river itself, and the occasional frog or salamander who wandered into view.

At one point, as the travelers tired from their all day march, Mick caught the sound of a roaring cascade, and the refreshment that whizzed by in its' course. Dimples, as big as a bathtub, had been carved into the rockfall, and many were filled with water. Mick found one to his liking, crawled in, promptly sat down, and proceeded to drink his fill. Legolas took off his shirt, dipped it in a similar pool, and squeezed the pure water down over his head. Frodo removed his shoes and socks, and dangled his feet in a cooling eddy. The water could not have been more than 50 degrees, and each of the travelers concluded it was as close to heaven as any had yet come.

It was a great day. One that humbles Hobbit and Elf, and that cements a relationship with a dog that will mark those days when there are no more outings together. Frodo is grateful for every such day.

It could have been a very bad day. Had the travelers continued on the second trail and attempted, tired as they were, to cross the roaring river at the spot where the bridge had been, tragedy would have been a likely end.

The Forest Service does what it can with what it gets. Frodo will not be surprised when he reads about the travelers who followed, and their unsuccessful crossing. Frodo guesses it is more important to extend that Halliburton contract in Rep. DeLay's Congressional District, than it is to re-build a footbridge. Who knows, the next kid that drowns there might be a Mohican?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:48 PM EDT

Updated: Saturday, August 13, 2005 9:46 PM EDT

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Thursday, July 28, 2005

You Can't Always Get What You Want
Mood:

silly
Topic: "Look for da Union Label"
Previously Frodo described the health condition of his long-time friend Rocky (see "The Italian Stallion"). Rocky continues his magnificent rebound and has actually gained a little weight. He has, however become an African-American. His fur is matted into corn rows, and he is unwilling to tolerate efforts to brush him. He has developed some memory problems, and can't seem to remember when, if, or how much he has eaten. He discusses it at great length with himself in a shrill manner at all hours of the early morning.

Sam's Father has reached an advanced age and, after Sam's Stepmother fell prey to Alzheimer's, required Assisted Living. The couple had a cat whom they never really named. Fearful that the 3 year-old white male might become disoriented in the Assisted Living facility, the decision was made that "Beau" would come to the Shire.

Rocky has seen creatures come and go over his 22 years. Under normal circumstances one more addition to the menagerie would be of minimal concern and/or interest. Sydney, the cockatiel, who often flies down to sleep with Rocky, will require some re-programming. Mick, Fiona, and Georgia will sniff his butt and ignore him. The concern for Frodo is how the real Lord and Master will handle the intruder.

Yesterday, when Frodo returned from Mount Doom, and after he had greeted the larger members of the pack, he saw the "dog door" swing free and heard the incessant yammering of his first feline companion. It was if he were issuing a report on what had transpired in Frodo's absence. Following is a translation of the conversation.

"Do you know what Sam has done? Sam brought another cat into this house, and it stinks! Sam must plan to replace me with this illegal alien. I demand to speak to my Union Representative!"
"Whoa big fella, you da man. Nobody can replace you."
"Yeah, well, our contract requires that you consult with me before personnel actions are taken here in the Shire."
"Honestly, Sam has been talking about this with you for months, and trying to get you used to the idea."
"Who pays attention to that kind of talk, I just assumed that Sam was just engaging in a little verbal foreplay in order to get me to eat that stuff in the blue can that I don't like."
"Come on in, let's take a look at the new guy, and see if we can't establish some groundrules."
"You go establish groundrules, I am going to file a grievance against both of you, and I know two Hobbits who better test their tennis shoes before putting them on 'cause I feel a need to spray my markers around this place."

With that the conversation ended. Beau is on one floor, Rocky commands all others. Frodo is glad that Sam's Father never got into reptiles, hamsters, or cattle.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:06 PM EDT

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