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" Citizen Soldiers" (5)
" Putin' Out" (5)
" Thin Ice"(9)
""I Ain't Got Much" (5)
""Soft Memories" (7)
"$100, Are You Sure?" (5)
"0 Preservative Added"(2)
"105 Minute Workday"(9)
"16 Percent Factor"(3)
"176,000,000 to 1"(8)
"26 Damn Dollars"(6)
"3 Percent Turnout" (2)
"37 Come 11" (5)
"3:10 to Yuma" (7)
"50 Weeks of Reality TV"
"501 (c)(4)"
"54 Pounds" (8)
"8.8 Pounds"(6)
"A Capitol Idea" (6)
"A Code in My Node"
"A Course is a Course"(2)
"A Day At The Beach" (3)
"A Dog Named Bo" (5)
"A Hobbit of an Idea"
"A Man's Army"
"A Patriot Act" (7)
"A Patriotic Act"
"A Perfect World"
"A soldier booed?'(7)
"A Space Odyssey" (4)
"A Taxing Story" (5)
"A Thousand Campfires"(4)
"A Three Hour Tour"(8)
"A Touch of Class"(5)
"A Waisted Day" (5)
"A Woman Scorned"
"A-Train"
"AAARRRGGGHH" (6)
"Aagh,I'll Pay,I'll Pay"
"Abe Wong, of Gondor"(5)
"Act I, Scene I" (8)
"Act I, Scene II" (8)
"Act I, Scene III" (8)
"Adjustable 2nd Card"(3)
"Adjusting Policies"
"Adjusting the Clock"(8)
"Aegean Adventure" (2)
"Ah ah ah Stayin' Alive"
"Airline Highway" (5)
"Alan Scott" (7)
"All Aboard"
"All Bets Are In" (2)
"All Charged Up"
"All Good Things" (4)
"Allah Be Praised" (5)
"Almost Heaven" (2)
"Alpha Dog"(7)
"Alright, Who Did It?"(7)
"Also Sprach Frodo" (4)
"Always Wear Gloves" (3)
"AM Radio Next?"
"America's Toilet" (6)
"American Cemetery"(8)
"An Admission"
"An Apple A Day" (7)
"An Hour A Day" (6)
"An Ugly American"(4)
"Anchorman" (6)
"And the Winner Is" (2)
"Andy Griffith Redux"
"Another Single Woman?"
"Another Three-namer"(5)
"Another Time/Place"(4)
"Anvil Throwin' Time"(8)
"Apocalypse Now?" (3)
"Aragorn" (4)
"Armored Dildos" (3)
"As Far As We Know" (2)
"Ask Ann Landers" (3)
"Assembly LineDancing"(4)
"Astronaughty" (2)
"Atlanta Times Three"
"Augmentation" (2)
"Augustus Agonistes" (5)
"Aurora Borealis" (8)
"Autumnal Observances"(2)
"Avast You Lubbers"(6)
"Baby Doctors (2)"
"Baby Fiona"(7)
"Baby Nathan Yahoo"(10)
"Back Door Basra (2)"
"Back inthe Saddle Again"
"Bad Boys, Bad Boys"
"Bad Time for Bonzo" (3)
"Balance of Nature" (3)
"Balance of Payments"(5)
"Balancing the Budget"
"Ballamer" (4)
"Balls"(10)
"Bang the Drum Slowly"
"Bank Prank" (5)
"Baptists are Pussies"(7)
"Barbed Wire Escape (2)"
"Barbie Banditos" (3)
"Barely Bearble"(7)
"Barely Defensible" (2)
"Barry Me Not (2)"
"Bathroom onna Right"(3)
"Beach Music" (7)
"Because It Is Hard" (4)
"Beechwood 4-5789"(6)
"Belling the Cat" (2)
"Ben McGee" (3)
"Benny and the Jets"(5)
"Berlusconi in Love"(6)
"Best be straight Boy"(5)
"Best Day/Worst Day"(6)
"Best in the South" (5)
"Best in the World?"(5)
"Betray Us" (3)
"Bettah than Etta"(4)
"Better Man" (3)
"Better Than Pong"
"Big Time Sports" (3)
"Big Words,LittleMind"(6)
"Bilbo's Birthday (2)"
"Bilbo's Little Boy"(5)
"Bilbo's Revenge" (5)
"Bill and Hillary (2)"
"Billy World" (2)
"Bimini Babes" (3)
"Bird is the Word" (3)
"Birmingham Jail" (5)
"Birthday Baggins"
"Birthday Buddies" (7)
"Birthday Memory" (4)
"Birthin' No Babies" (3)
"Bishop to King's Castle"
"bitch,bitch,bitch"(6)
"Black Friday" (2)
"Black Gold, Texas Tea"
"Black Hole Blues" (4)
"Black Jack"
"Black Russians" (6)
"Black Widow" (3)
"Blackboard Jungle"
"Blame Game" (3)
"Bleached Bones" (5)
"Blitzkrieg Bellini" (2)
"Blood and Swash" (3)
"Bloopers" (5)
"Blue Christmas" (2)
"Bo's Birthday"(5)
"Bob Sikes' Cut"(9)
"Bob, Bob, Bobbit" (3)
"Bobby, not Ben"(6)
"Bon Air Bellicose" (4)
"Bon Giorno" (6)
"Bona Lisa" (5)
"Bonds-v-Skvara" (3)
"Boo Boo Poo Poo"(9)
"Boromir & Galadriel"(5)
"Bottled in Thyme"(7)
"Bottom Ten"(9)
"Bovine Stem Cells?"
"Boy, I Say Boy"
"Boycott BP"
"Breaker, Breaker" (4)
"Breakin' rules" (7)
"Breaking News" (7)
"Brer Fox (2)"
"Bridge at Andau"(11)
"Bring Back Ross" (2)
"Bring the Bowl"
"Broken News"(10)
"Brother of the Ring"
"Brownback Mountain"
"Brownie Hawkeye"
"Buckwheat Breathes" (2)
"Bumper Sticker"
"Burn Baby, Burn" (3)
"Bush in the Bullrushes"
"Bush Baby, Bush (2)"
"Bush is Chinese?" (2)
"Bush Press Conference"
"Bush-Bashers Be We (2)"
"Bushenomics"
"Busman's Holiday(2)"
"Butt...Butt...Butt" (3)
"Butterflies? Sheesh!"
"Buttermilk Drops" (3)
"Buy a Subaru" (11)
"Buy Stock in America"(6)
"Cabin Fever" (5)
"Cain Not Able" (7)
"Cake in the Rain"
"Cake in the Rain"(3)
"Call Me Ishmael" (3)
"Callista, an Albino?"(7)
"Camp Pleasant" (2)
"Can She Name Them?(2)"
"Can You Hear Me Now?"
"Canaan Conspiracy"(6)
"Candygram" (4)
"Captive Audience"(6)
"Caramel or Carmel?"(3)
"Carolina Cougar(2)"
"Carolina Curmudgeon" (5)
"Cartoon Characters" (3)
"Case of Packy Stann"(3)
"Cash crash crashed?"(5)
"Cat Fight" (5)
"Caterpillar Quandry" (3)
"Causal Relationships"(9)
"Cause It's One, (2)"
"Ceramic s"
"Ch-ch-changin'" (4)
"Change a'comin" (5)
"Change is Good" (5)
"Change?" (3)
"Changin' Channels" (2)
"Chapter 13"
"Chariots of Fire"
"Chariots' a' Comin'"(4)
"Chassahowitzka" (2)
"Chauncey Gardner"(7)
"Checkmate"(5)
"Chemical Alley" (6)
"Cheney of Fools" (2)
"Cherem" (3)
"Chew my Gazebo, Willya?"
"Chief Noc-a-Homa" (3)
"Chingachgook Lives"
"Chipmonkeys Alert (2)"
"Chipper" (6)
"Christian Balls"(10)
"Christian the Lion"(4)
"Christian Valuelessness"
"Christmas Communique"(3)
"Christmas, 1936" (2)
"Chutzpah Hooters" (4)
"Cilled a Bar?" (3)
"Cindy, oh Cindy"(4)
"Citizen Soldiers" (2)
"Clark and Lois (2)"
"Classified Ads are Cool"
"Claymore Gregg" (3)
"Clean Machine" (2)
"Clean up in Aisle 4!"(4)
"Climb It Chains" (8)
"Clinton Cuts" (7)
"Clone Chipper,Please"(4)
"Cockatiel Lounge" (2)
"College of the Shire"(6)
"Colosseum"
"Combat Kelly (2)"
"Come On Baby"(8)
"Come on Down" (3)
"Comin' Clean" (5)
"Comin' Home" (3)
"Commencement (2)"
"Comparables" (6)
"Condi for President" (3)
"Cone of Silence" (4)
"Conflagration" (3)
"Confusion Reigns"(10)
"Congress Goes to War (2)
"Congress' Schmidthead"
"Conspiracy Theory" (4)
"Copy Cat Chinese" (5)
"Country Roads" (7)
"Crawford Convention" (2)
"Crikey" (2)
"Crime and Punishment(2)"
"Crotch Rocket Delite"(4)
"Cult of the Wild"(7)
"Curious, George?"
"Currahee" (5)
"Da Juice Is Back" (3)
"Dad" (5)
"Damages Done (2)"
"Damn Close" (4)
"Damn It To Hell" (5)
"Damn Lies" (7)
"Dandy Dale" (7)
"Danger Will Robinson"(5)
"Danger,Will Robinson"(8)
"Darth Dick" (5)
"Darwin's Company" (4)
"Das Boot"
"Das Ende" (6)
"Date With David" (2)
"Day of Infamy" (4)
"Day-O, Me Wan Go"(7)
"De Tar-Ball Baby" (6)
"Dead Honkey"
"Dearest Bilbo"
"Debits on the Left?" (2)
"Decisions, Decisions"(6)
"Deep and Dark" (5)
"Deep Shiite" (3)
"Degree of Separation"(6)
"Deja 1958 Over Again"
"Deja Who?"(7)
"Delano" (4)
"DevelopmentalStudies"(4)
"Diazinon Ditties (2)"
"Dick Clark Top 10(2)"
"Dimmer Switch" (6)
"Dirty Copter" (4)
"Do They Like Kool Aid?"
"Doctor, Mr. MD"(9)
"Dodged a Bullet"(7)
"Dogmobile" (3)
"Dogs Rule"
"Doing the Right Thing"
"Don't Cut My DSL" (5)
"Don't Feed the Animals"
"Dont Touch That Dial"(6)
"Doofus" (9)
"Doohan's Delight" (3)
"Doris Miller" (6)
"Dorothy Rose" (4)
"Double Deal" (6)
"Doubting Thomases" (3)
"Doug Williams"(4)
"Dover" (4)
"Down Below Back Home"(4)
"Downtown Cardinals"(9)
"Dr. Phil" (5)
"DroughtExitStragedy"(3)
"Dubai-Bye" (3)
"Dueling Banjos" (3)
"Dumb and Dumber" (3)
"Dumb As We Wanna Be"(3)
"Dumber Than Dirt" (3)
"Dumbest Politico (2)"
"Eager Uighurs" (4)
"Early Admission" (8)
"Eight Nine Four" (4)
"Elect Jeff Jackson"(10)
"Elizabeth I" (5)
"Emily Latella Lives"
"Emperor's Clothes" (2)
"End of the Line"
"Ending Sams Patience"(7)
"Engine Uprisin'" (4)
"Ensign Pulver"(5)
"EOTUS" (5)
"Equinox Approaching"(10)
"Equinoxious" (4)
"ERA"
"Escalator Escalatin'"(5)
"ESP" (6)
"Etchings, Anyone?"(5)
"Ethel Merman Lives"
"Eve, It's Oil!"
"Evenin' Govnah" (6)
"Everyday Miracles"
"Evil Thoughts" (3)
"Eye Opener" (3)
"Eyes of a Gorilla"
"Fair is Fare"(7)
"Falcon" (8)
"Fall Ball" (3)
"Fallin' Behind"(11)
"Falling Apart" (9)
"Fargo Felines" (5)
"Fashionable Frodo" (5)
"Father Ed" (3)
"Faux les Bas" (2)
"Female Insurgency (2)"
"Ferengi or Ferangi?" (3)
"Fergit? Hell No!"
"Film at 11"
"Findin' William"(11)"
"Firing US Attorneys" (3)
"First Freeze" (6)
"First Learn to Lose"
"First National Bank" (5)
"First Sentence" (8)
"Five Easy Pieces" (4)
"Float Yer Boat" (4)
"Flower Power (2)"
"Foe Years Old" (4)
"Follow the Money"
"Followin' Ava" (4)
"For More Years" (3)
"Forbidden Fruit"
"Fords and Dads" (2)
"Foreclosure Follies" (7)
"Foreclosure Notice" (6)
"Forest Primeval"(8)
"Form 666" (3)
"Forms For Everything"(6)
"Foundling Fathers"(7)
"Fourteen Years Ago?"(5)
"Fox Views" (3)
"Frack You" (7)
"Frances Died Today"(7)
"Fred's Dead Head" (3)
"Free at Last"
"Free Hidden Telecast"(4)
"Freedom? Hell No" (3)
"Friend by Your Side" (3)
"Friend by your Side" (4)
"Friendly Persuasion" (5)
"Friends of Bill" (7)
"Frist Friends"
"Frodo and Housman" (2)
"Frodo and Jesus"
"Frodo and Revere?"(7)
"Frodo And Truckers (2)"
"Frodo Dissents" (6)
"Frodo Not Foggo (2)"
"Frodo of Arabia(2)"
"Frodo Op" (5)
"Frodo Regrets"
"Frodo Study Group" (2)
"Frodo visits Bilbo"
"Frodo's Almanac"(9)
"Frodo's Bad Day"
"Frodo's Book Club"(5)
"Frodo's Dilemma" (3)
"Frodo's Faux Pas" (3)
"Frodo's Final Four" (3)
"Frodo's Foreign Policy"
"Frodo's Hall of Fame"(4)
"Frodo's Newer Friend"(6)
"Frodo's Retirement"(8)
"Frodo's Revenge"
"Frodo's Revenge"(7)
"Frodo's Solutions" (6)
"Frodo's Xmas Story"(6)
"Frodo, James Frodo" (3)
"Furriners" (4)
"Gainful Employment" (3)
"Galadriel Is No More"(3)
"Gandalf's Challenge (2)"
"Garland Duesenberry" (2)
"Gas Guzzler A-Go-Go"
"Gasp, Wheeze (2)"
"Gay Faux Holes" (5)
"Genarlow de Chariot" (3)
"Genesis Ignored" (3)
"Geneva Accords Redux"
"Geography Lesson" (3)
"George to the Rescue"(3)
"Georgia on my Mind"(3)
"Getting Your Wish" (3)
"Gidget Goes Gondor"(7)
"Gimme Head With Hair"(3)
"Girls Night Out" (6)
"Give 'em Hell, Tom" (5)
"Give Heath a Chance (2)"
"Give Us Your Tired. . ."
"Giving Way to Anger" (2)
"Glenn Frey"(11)
"Glory Days"
"Goin' Home" (3)
"Gondor Goodfellas"(9)
"Gondor Gravitas" (3)
"Good Cop" (7)
"Good Day America" (6)
"Good Friday It Was"(9)
"Good Friday, Maybe"(11)
"Good Ol Mountain Dew"(5)
"Good Son"
"Goodbye Kids (2)"
"Goodbye, Ethan" (2)
"Goodman is Hard to Find"
"Goose Again"
"GOP Convention" (3)
"Gotta Have a Home (2)"
"Grading on a Curve"
"Graffiti Government" (2)
"Great American Hero"
"Great American Hero" (2)
"Greatest Duet Ever"(6)
"Greed is Good"(5)
"Greetings" (8)
"Grissom not Gruesome"(4)
"Groupies for Edwards"(4)
"Guess We Forgot?"(8)
"Guest Workers (2)"
"Guns of August" (7)
"Guts of August" (3)
"Gwinnett Again?" (3)
"Halo, 1,2,3?" (3)
"Ham I Am" (3)
"Handi-Wipes" (3)
"Hang 'em High" (2)
"Hanky Time, Ladies"
"Happens in Threes"(5)
"Happy Anniversary"(9)
"Happy Mardi Gras"(2)
"Harpo Speaks"
"Harry" (2)
"Harry's Bar-Venice" (2)
"Hatfield-vs-McCoy"
"Hawkeye, Redux"(7)
"Haz Mat" (3)
"He Ate the Olive!"(7)
"He is deeply missed (2)"
"He Picks Up Poop?" (5)
"He Took De Bait" (8)
"He's 'Little Ricky'?"(7)
"Healthcare for Frodo"(5)
"Heart Soar Like Hawk"(5)
"Heck of an Engineer"(7)
"Hedge Fund Hippies" (3)
"Heeeerrre's Frodo" (3)
"Heeere's Johnny" (6)
"Heeerrrre's Frodo" (3)
"Hello, Mr. Wilson" (5)
"Hello? Central?" (3)
"Help Wanted"
"Helping Frodo" (4)
"Here Come da Judge" (2)
"Here Come da Judge" (6)
"Here Kitty-Kitty" (4)
"Here Kitty-kitty"(5)
"Here's Help, Now Leave"
"Here's Your Watch" (3)
"Hi Jinx" (5)
"Hide Anythin' Edible"(5)
"High Chair" (2)
"Hobbits And a Truck"(4)
"Hold On Romo" (2)
"Hold the Malaise" (4)
"Homeless"
"Honey Dew List"(9)
"Hopalong Frodo"(9)
"Horn of Africa (2)"
"Horse Latitudes" (6)
"Horsehockey" (3)
"Hosea Can You See" (3)
"Hosea Can You See?" (3)
"Hot Tamale" (3)
"Hotel Plimhimmon"(9)
"HOV or DOA?" (3)
"How Dogs Love Us" (10)
"How Many Delegates?"
"How Many Delegates?" (3)
"How Now Broun Cow"(8)
"Hraka" (4)
"Huckleberry Hound" (3)
"Hund Scheisse CSI" (5)
"Hungarian Answer" (4)
"I Believe in Music (2)"
"I can hope, can't I?"(9)
"I Could Cry" (2)
"I Inspired You?"
"I say it's Spinach. . ."
"I'll Get Back to You"(3)
"I'll Huff and Puff" (4)
"I'll Take a Vowel"
"I'm Baaack" (2)
"I'mSo In LoveWithYou"(7)
"Ides of March Again" (4)
"Ides of Texas" (6)
"IED's in Congress" (2)
"If Frodo Ran The DHS"(5)
"If It Ain't OneThing"(5)
"If the truth be told"(6)
"If You Remember,Then"(6)
"If" (6)
"Imagine,General Newt"(6)
"Imitation of Life" (5)
"Immigration Reform (2)"
"Impregnated"(10)
"In a Galaxy Far Away(2)"
"In a Pig's Eye" (4)
"In Dog We Trust" (10)
"In the Beginning"
"In the Beginning" (3)
"Incomparable Moron" (4)
"Indoor Toilets Rule" (4)
"Intersex Village" (2)
"Interstate Parking (2)"
"Ion Propulsion"(7)
"Iran's Tom Hayden"
"Irish Spring"(3)
"Is it in the Water?"
"Is That in America?" (2)
"Is You da One,Jimmy?"(3)
"Islamic Fundamentals"(8)
"Isn't Amnesty Good?"(3)
"Isn't Change Good?"(6)
"It's A Trap" (6)
"It's Just a Movie"
"It's Just Business"
"Ja, Wir Konnen."
"Jack Crabb" (10)
"Jambo Jumbo" (3)
"Japanese Movie?" (3)
"Je suis Frodo"(10)
"Jefferson Rock" (3)
"Jes' the facts Ma'am"(4)
"Jim Crow" (5)
"Joad Family Reunion?"(6)
"Joad Jobs" (4)
"Joe Soptic" (8)
"Jonestown Redux" (3)
"Jose and Claudia" (4)
"Joshua Generation" (3)
"Just Another Day" (3)
"Just Clearin' Brush"(3)
"Just Desserts (2)"
"Just Desserts" (7)
"Just Say 'Nyet'"(7)
"Just to CU Smile" (5)
"Kandy Kakes 2"
"Ken Meets Jack"
"Key Word Apology" (6)
"Killer's Geraldine" (4)
"Kilowatts Per Mile" (6)
"Kiribati Republic"(6)
"Kirk Saves Nemo"
"Kiss a Girl Goodbye"(2)
"Knew You Not Pompey?"(3)
"Kodak Moment" (2)
"Kool Sailboat" (4)
"Korea, Korea" (2)
"Kudlow's Kreeps"(4)
"Lady of Rohan" (3)
"Land Ho"(8)
"Lean and Hungry " (2)
"Leeward, I Say, Leeward"
"Legs Diamond" (3)
"Legs" (3)
"Leslie" (4)
"Lessons Learned" (2)
"Let Them Eat Cake"
"Let's Bake Cookies" (3)
"Let's Play A Game" (6)
"Letter Home" (6)
"Letter to Lou" (4)
"Liberal Lament" (40)
"Lief, Leaf, or Loaf"(8)
"Life In A Red State"
"Lights of Chicago"
"Like a Barack" (2)
"Limbaugh Hero"(7)
"Lime Bandits" (3)
"Lime is on my side" (6)
"Limestone Cowboys" (3)
"Lip Smackin' Good?"(6)
"Little Big Horn (2)"
"Little Houdini" (5)
"Little Sky"
"Littlest Angel" (2)
"Livin' is Easy?"(7)
"Loans and Deposits" (4)
"Lois, I Never Lie"(8)
"Lonely Avenue" (3)
"Lonesome Frodo" (3)
"Look away Dixieland"(6)
"Look for da Union Label"
"Look Who's Talkin'" (2)
"Lookin' Back, Texas" (3)
"Lost Weekend"(8)
"Low Water, Slow Flow"(3)
"Lox? Or Locks?" (7)
"Lunatic Cattle Call"(8)
"M-G-M Material"
"Ma Bell is Baaack" (3)
"Ma Bell Lives" (7)
"Macaca, Your Macaca" (2)
"Mad Dogs&Englishmen"(6)
"Made You Look" (6)
"Magic Fridge (2)"
"Magic Moments"(7)
"Make Jobs, Not War"(7)
"MaMa's Little Babies"(3)
"Man For All Seasons" (2)
"Man of the Century"
"Man Up, Harry"(6)
"Man's Best Friend?"
"Many happy returns"
"March Forth" (8)
"Marking Time" (3)
"Martyr Magic" (2)
"Marvelous Mac"(8)
"Mary Lee & Genie"(8)
"Master of None" (8)
"MatriculationMadness"(5)
"May Day, Comrade"(7)
"Maynard G. Krebs" (7)
"McCan't"(9)
"Medal of Honor" (6)
"Media is the Message(2)"
"Media Reporting" (6)
"Memories"(10)
"Mental Healthcare" (4)
"Michelle, my Belle"(7)
"Mick's Day"(8)
"Mickey and Me"(6)
"MidSummer Nights Dream"(7)
"Mikileaks" (6)
"Missionary Position" (3)
"Missionary Position" (7)
"Mississipp' Sippin'"(2)
"Mister Roberts" (8)
"Moamar:The Movie"(7)
"Mohair Sam" (5)
"Mon Petit Shoe"(4)
"Monkeys in Mississippi"
"Moody Blue"(7)
"Moody" (7)
"Mooman" (3)
"Moon Over Miami"(4)
"Mooosic" (5)
"Moovin' On Up" (2)
"Mordor or Antarctica?"
"More Than Some" (4)
"Moultrie Poultry" (3)
"Mount Mulch" (2)
"Movin' On Up" (2)
"Mr. Toad's Motorcar (2)"
"Mudbums"(9)
"Mumbai, My Lord" (4)
"Murtha For President(2)"
"N. Leroy" (7)
"Name That Tune"(4)
"Nascaroil" (4)
"Nat King Cole Sucks"(5)
"NCAA---Blech!" (7)
"Nein, nein, nein"(7)
"Never Doubt Bilbo"
"Never heard of him"
"Nevermore"(6)
"New Life, Old Leaves"(4)
"Newest Friend"(8)
"Newman's Own" (4)
"Newt/Mitt '12" (3)
"Next Case" (6)
"Next Door Neighbors" (3)
"NFL Commissioner (2)"
"NFL Trade" (3)
"Nielsen Ratings" (2)
"Nine Months PG" (7)
"Nixon Agonistes" (3)
"Nkosi"
"No Faux News?" (3)
"No Googling Allowed"(4)
"No Humor Today"
"No Peanut Left Behind"
"No Sale" (3)
"No, Not Russian" (4)
"No-No, No" (3)
"Nobody Even Asked"(8)
"Noo Yawk Stateamind"(2)
"Not a Bang,a Whimper"(7)
"Not Funny, Dr Jones"(5)
"Not North Carolina" (6)
"Not Percy Sledge?" (3)
"Not Percy Sledge?"(3)
"Number One" (3)
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Southern Pine Beetles"(4)
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Frodo, Keeper of the Ring
Saturday, September 10, 2005
We All Live in a Yellow Submarine
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: "A Hobbit of an Idea"
Merry has taped four vidotape cassettes of news coverage relating to the tragedy on the Gulf Coast. Merry felt that, over time, the Orcs would distort facts in order to support their political leanings. Frodo laments the fact that we of Middle Earth are so suspicious of one another, but grudingly admits that half-truths are prevalent. During the compilation process Merry used her mind as well as her technological skill, and she asked herself, "What can we do to deal with the next catastrophe that would lessen the pain for all concerned"? A noble inquiry, to be sure.

Orcs, and those who pay attention to their ranting, regularly profess that we who are their opponents only criticize, and never offer solutions. Merry's idea is a fitting response to that assertion.

Merry has proposed "Camp Survival." A centralized location for all emergency response efforts; a clearinghouse for preparation, as well as logistical coordination during, and after. Quite simply, by way of example, a recently closed military facility would provide storage and temporary quarters necessary for dealing with a disaster comparable to Hurricane Katrina. Think how much better, dear reader, things would have gone, had there been emergency vehicles immediately dispatched to New Orleans to transport Military personnel to the affected areas. Think, also, how much better it would have been to move "refugees" to a single location, at which they could be be housed, healthcare provided, and survivor information centralized and processed.

Think, most importantly, what could happen should there develop some sort of communicable disease which strikes those who have been exposed to the toxic elements which permeate that environment. There are refugees scattered all over our land, and the possibility of a nationwide epidemic would presently be unstoppable. A point for temporary quarantine just makes sense.

"Camp Survival" may never be needed again, that is true. It may be needed for those who fall prey to Hurricane Ophelia presently adrift off the coast of South Carolina, that also is a possibility.

What is clear is that a single Hobbit has come forth with a better idea than anything proposed by anyone ever involved with the International Arabian Horse Association. It makes Frodo wonder just how much safer we are today, than we were before George W. Bush became anything more than a footnote in the annals of AA?


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:02 PM EDT
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Tuesday, September 6, 2005
Nobody Does it Better
Mood:  on fire
Topic: "Satire-Apology to Mick"
Frodo is extremely upset that discord has come to the Shire. Somebody pooped on Sam's carpet.

The dog door is usually always open, and there is no excuse for any resident of the Shire to seek relief indoors. Inclement weather can, however, cause aberrant behavior, and that is a potential factor in the breakdown of order in the Shire. Additionally, the presence of Beau (aka "Beau No") means that the dog door must be closed at night until the newest resident becomes totally oriented to the outside world. Hard evidence indicates that Beau was not a factor in this instance.

What is clear is that a toxic element sat undisturbed in the midst of the Shire. Despite all the disaster planning possible, not a single resident of the Shire was willing to admit any involvement in the crime. Both Frodo and Sam were vocal enough to cause genuine anxiety among their friends and fellow residents.

Mick, the Wonder Dog, stepped out from the crowd, and proposed that he lead an investigation into the successes, and the failures, of disaster planning in the Shire. Mick stated that, "it is important to understand the relationship between officials at local, state, and federal levels," so that proper planning and management can take place in the future.

Fiona, also under purview, suggested that Mick take a look at himself in the mirror. She added, succinctly, that the proposal was "dogshit," and she said "to hell with it."

Funny how life imitates art, isn't it?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:57 PM EDT
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Friday, September 2, 2005
Do You Know What It Means to Miss New Orleans?
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: "Let Them Eat Cake"
Frodo once stood at the end of an old concrete pier at a place called "Rainbow Beach" on a lake called Pontchartrain. Prissy and Gumbo, companions at the time laid by his side as he fished for the mysteries of salt water. "Rainbow Beach" was largely deserted then, because during the days of segregation it had been the area designated for "Coloreds Only." It was run-down and deserted, not atypical of most things in the City of Orleans, eventually. Frodo enjoyed the solitude for his fishing, and it allowed him to think about those who once frequented the place, and to weave their experiences into that of a Hobbit.

Gumbo began to bark, and Prissy sallied forth to greet interlopers spilling onto the beach behind Frodo. Several dozen Vietnamese men, women, and children-in-arms, waved to Frodo as they chattered away in their native tongue. Frodo waved back, and joined his canine companions as they intently observed the activity. The refugees from a violent world unfurled a long and heavy net, and began to form a human chain as they dragged it into the surf. Soon they were a crescent of human beings jointly moving toward the shore, and as they emerged one-by-one from the water Frodo was amazed at the catch in the net. Frodo and friends walked back along the pier in order to observe the catch.

The halflings smiled as Frodo approached, and they began to hold up fish to Frodo, offering him gifts from their catch. They evidently assumed that Frodo had been luckless in his fishing, and that they were willing to share with one of those who now shared their new home in Middle Earth. Frodo graciously declined, but he made a point of smiling and shaking hands with his new neighbors, willing to share all that they had.

Today Frodo watches the City of Orleans in despair. He listens to those who speak in anger, and his heart breaks for those who have lost all of what they have known. Frodo seethes as people with whom he has walked are shuttled like cattle from place-to-place, and line-to-line, yet they remain thirsty, hungry, worried. Orcs abound with weaponry seized from a "downtown" Wal-Mart. Men of Gondor or Riders of Rohan are under siege, and badly outnumbered. Promises, promises, promises are made, and still the innocent suffer.

In the end it will be another human chain which forms and provides bounty enough to sustain. Frodo will not be surprised to find Vietnamese fishermen bringing their catch to help those whose land they now share. The bond between those with little to give crosses all boundaries. How sad that the rest of us have learned so little.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:27 AM EDT
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Wednesday, August 31, 2005
It Takes a Lot of Water to Wash Away New Orleans
Mood:  blue
Topic: "Poor People"
America, meet the poor people. Refugees housed in the Louisiana Superdome are relocated to Houston to be stored and exhibited in the edifice formerly known as the Astrodome. For those people who did heed the warnings and got out of New Orleans before Katrina, and who have now ended up in Houston, with no money, and limited prospects, there is, however, no room at the Inn. The Mayor of Houston is concerned about "control."

George W. Bush knocked two days off his five-week vacation, and announced his intentions to visit the devastated areas on Friday. Wanna bet that none of the people on that Interstate Bridge in New Orleans will chant "U-S-A, U-S-A"?

A plethora of seemingly obese black people have been featured players on all of the news channels as they carry stolen goods from stores all over the area. It is reported that former Senator Trent Lott's home in Pascagoula was looted. Frodo wonders if maybe some of Strom Thurmond's offspring may have been involved in that one?

It would have taken approximately $14 Billion to restore the eroded land at the mouth of the Mississippi River. The loss of soil, caused by the construction of levees by the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, has been steady and significant for several years. Had a mere 10 feet of that eroded land been restored along the Louisiana coast the storm surge which accompanied Katrina would have been reduced an equivalent 10 feet. The levees would have held, the misery avoided, and the more than $26 Billion in estimated insured losses avoided.

Instead, the "poorest of the poor" may have suffered casualties in the thousands. A way of life may have ended these past few days, but most importantly America has met her poor people, and boy are they ever pissed. Frodo is certain that the cost of a gallon of gasoline is the most trivial point of all that has happened. America has suddenly noted that all of the economic indicators are not pointing in the same direction.

Nothing will ever be the same again. Just ask the people who didn't get out of those attics.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:52 PM EDT
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Sunday, August 28, 2005
Won't Come Back From Deadman's Curve
Mood:  d'oh
Topic: "Small Victories"
Late on a Sunday afternoon in the Shire, and Frodo sits in the Gazebo, surrounded by screening to ward off the carriers of the West Nile. Outside Fiona and Mick, the Wonder Dog, keep watch for squirrels from picket posts dug deep beneath forsythia. Birds hover to feeders in search of their favorite seed. Butterflies flit from passion flower to butterfly bush in search of their favorite nectar. The Sports, Metro, and Living sections of the paper lie at Frodo's feet.

At the hummingbird feeder hanging protectively from the shingled roof of the Gazebo, rivals contest for the rights to the sugary liquid which will soon power them onward. Sometimes arriving from the opposite direction, they occasionally appear confused by the screening and have difficulty figuring out how to get to the feeder.

Suddenly, an emergency. A hummingbird tries to penetrate the screening and hits it with sufficient force that his long proboscis is stuck in the mesh. Frodo is not prepared for this kind of event. All he knows is that the little creature is greatly distressed, and is in real danger of hurting himself. Frodo stands quickly and the ruby throat glistens in the sunlight. Frodo knows better than to touch anything, for the best of intentions could produce a broken beak, and subsequent starvation.

Frodo thinks he can see into the eyes of the hummingbird, and seems to hear a mixture of fear and pleading. Frodo takes a step forward directly toward the prisoner, and the hummingbird instinctively pulls straight back and is free.

He hovers for just a moment, probably just getting his bearings. How arrogant of Frodo to think that the pause was for any other reason.

Tomorrow we'll find a new location for the feeder. Close by, where Frodo can keep watch, but with less potential danger for innocent friends. Wisdom that would befit a President.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:34 PM EDT
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Thursday, August 25, 2005
I Went Down to The Audubon Zoo, And They All Asked For You
Mood:  hug me
Topic: "Sticker Shock"
"The existing and long-standing use of the word 'evolution' in our state's textbooks has not adversely affected Georgians' belief in the omnipotence of God as creator of the Universe. There can be no incompatibility between Christian faith and proven facts concerning geology, biology, and astronomy. There is no need to teach that stars can fall out of the sky and land on a flat earth in order to defend religious faith. . ."--James E. Carter, January 2005.

The State Superintendent of Schools, Republican Kathy Cox, was ordered to remove from all High School Biology textbooks a "sticker" which noted that "evolution" was a theory and that it should be considered consistent with other theories. This "sticker" is, of course, consistent with the ordered opinion of the current President of the United States, George "Wiliiam Jennings Bryan" Bushman.

Frodo was struck by the Bushman's reference to "Intelligent Design," subsequent to the Georgia ruling. Frodo smelled another attempt to paint "activist judges" as incompatible with the reasoned opinions of God-fearing American citizens. Frodo decided therefore to conduct a survey in order to determine whether former President Carter's opinion, or that of the Bushman actually mirrored public opinion in The Shire. Note dear reader that the survey was based on the responses of 100% of those to whom questions were addressed.

100% of the male feline contingent of the Shire felt that the Bushman proved himself to be an alcoholic, a junkie, a coward, and a moron, but not necessarily in that order.

100% of the female canine contingent of the Shire felt that the Bushman was entirely consistent in his behavior, noting that he has never told the truth about anything.

100% of the male avian contingent of the Shire expressed the opinion that the Bushman never did learn how to fly, to talk, or otherwise perform on his own.

100% of the male canine contingent expressed the belief that the Bushman served a purpose as a substitute fireplug.

100% of the Hobbits in the Shire are convinced that the Bushman is living proof that evolution is not without flaws.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:56 PM EDT
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Wednesday, August 24, 2005
What Ever Happened to Randolph Scott?
Mood:  cheeky
Topic: "RSVP"
Washington--Mr. Robert Novak and Mr. Karl Rove today announced that they have filed for "civil union status" in the District of Columbia. Acknowledging a "long time on-going secret affair," the happy couple proclaimed their love for each other in a public display which gagged nearly every maggot on K Street.

Responding to a question from a group of reporters, Novak labeled as "patently offensive" any insinuation that the ceremony provided "spousal immunity" for either, or both, who may be charged with Treason as a result of the investigation into the disclosure of Special Agent Valerie Plames' identity as an undercover operative of the CIA. Novak stated that he was not going to tolerate any more such abuse, and promptly walked away from the podium.

Rove was dressed in a double-breasted suit recently worn by the late Walter Brennan. Rove carried a bouquet composed of tumbleweed and skunk cabbage which was freshly picked from the farm fields in Crawford, Texas. Guests at the civil ceremony included Ahmed Chahabi, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Linda Tripp. The Reverend Pat Robertson attended, and blessed the couple with a reading from "My Pet Goat."

As the couple departed the "D.C Building," they passed through a tunnel of sabres held by members of the "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth." They were whisked away to a secret location in a convoy of SUV's with Texas license plates and Secret Service protection. They did have to stop for gas.

Neither Secretary of State Rice nor her "husb" were in attendance. Vice President Cheney was unable to attend because he remains in an undisclosed location. Novak will continue his regular column in "My Weekly Reader" when he returns, and Rove will announce his new assignment as roving reporter for The National Enquirer.

The White House acknowledged the happy event and announced that Rafael Palmiero would replace Rove as Deputy Chief of Staff.

"Live, from the South Lawn, Frodo reporting. Now back to 'Hardball'."






Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:49 PM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, August 24, 2005 8:50 PM EDT
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Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Think What The Future Would be With a Poor Boy Like Me
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: "Pat bin Laden"
"Frodo."
"Yes Master"
"I would like you to build an Ark."
"Right. What's an Ark?"
"An Ark is a great ship into which you will place a mated pair of all my creations."
"Right. Does the definition of 'mated pair' include civil unions?"
"I will cause a great flood to destroy all the Earth, and only those aboard the Ark will survive."
"Right. How big is this Ark supposed to be?"
"It will be 200 cubits by 100 cubits in length and width, and will stand more than 50 cubits in heigth."
"Right. What's a cubit?"

"Master?"
"Yes Frodo?"
"Why are you doing this?"
"Frodo, of all my creations, Man has been my greatest disappointment. I fear that he has used my Word to serve Mammon, and that nothing I do can bring him back to the Path of Righteousness."
"But Master there are many who serve you with devotion and honour."
"I know that Frodo, but those who act in my Name to spread destruction upon this Earth will leave it barren and lifeless."
"Master, how can I choose amongst all thy creations but two of each? How will I know that I have picked correctly?"
"Frodo, beware of he who says he acts in my Name."

"Hi there, my name's Pat Robertson, and that's a mighty pretty Ark you got goin' there."
"Right."
"Why I'll bet it's at least 200 yards long. I know a lot about bettin' since I own my own racehorse."
"Right."
"Mr. Frodo you sure there's plenty of room for me and my racehorse on that there Ark? You know, I was out there talkin' to the Master out there about that Evil Mr. Chavez down there in Venezuela, and he told me that there is a place for all those who say they act in his Name."
"Right."

And so it came to pass that the Earth was struck by a Flood of greater proportions than ever before known. After 40 days and 40 nights, the Great Ark came to rest on Iraq. Frodo and his friends looked upon the land that had been, and all that remained was a great sign. The sign read "Mission Accomplished."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:09 PM EDT
Updated: Tuesday, August 23, 2005 8:28 PM EDT
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Thursday, August 18, 2005
I'm on Top of The World Looking Down at Creation
Mood:  vegas lucky
Topic: "Gas Guzzler A-Go-Go"
Have you ever wondered how they take attendance at a NASCAR event? Frodo has always believed that they count the number of teeth and divide by four.

Frodo resents the presence of NASCAR and any reference to "Awesome Bill from Dawsonville" in his Sports pages in the newspaper. Sports is about sports, things that cause the participants to sweat. Sports is not about the absence of physical dexterity, strength, endurance, or hand-eye coordination. Frodo has never read a single article about NASCAR or Women's Basketball (Women's Basketball is another subject for another time, and may be headlined under "alternate lifestyles").

The Shire is in competition with several other major cities for the creation of a NASCAR Hall of Fame. Charlotte, Daytona Beach, Kansas City, and Richmond have also proffered substantial financial incentives in order to enhance the opportunity to attract this major "tourist attraction."

Are these people all crazy? Doesn't anybody remember "Freaknik," when every over-sexed black college student in America showed up in The Shire each spring in order to parade nude in public and tie-up traffic? Imagine, dear reader, thousands of "Recreational Vehicles" piloted by individuals at least 50% above the recommended body weight, waving Confederate Flags and crying over the departure of somebody named Dale. Imagine all of these vehicles holding a giant "tailgate party" hosted by that debonair Governor of Georgia "Sonny" (aka "Curly") Perdue.

The Guvnah screams at the podium "Boys, y'all start yer injuns." Frodo is overcome by the thrust of 100,000,000 psi's of carbon monoxide added to the ozone haze swallowing his homeland.

Frodo is on his knees, in all humility, with the hope that Kansas City (which seems to be the greatest distance from The Shire of all the contesting cities) emerges victorious in this endeavour. It should be noted that there is neither a reason nor a likelihood that Frodo will ever have a need to be anywhere in the vicinity of Kansas City.

Good luck to all you Kansans (or Missourians?)!


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:32 PM EDT
Updated: Thursday, August 18, 2005 9:37 PM EDT
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Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Did You Ever Have to Finally Decide, to Say Yes to One And Let The Other One Slide?
Mood:  crushed out
Topic: "Persons of the Year"
"I just think people should have a right to protest without being harassed and I'm against the war. I don't think it's a war we need to be in."--Fred Mattlage.

For the first time in recorded history Frodo has noted a quotation by a resident of the State of Texas that is neither imbecilic, misguided, nor totally incorrect. Mr. Mattlage, a resident of Crawford, Texas, is the gentleman who made an acre of his private land available for the protestors outside the Bush Compound. All other comments aside, simply put, Frodo says "Thank You." Frodo can't help but wonder where Mattlage is actually from, surely he wasn't born there in Losersville?

Joining the Sheehan Crusade this evening is a lady named Colleen Rowley. If that name sounds vaguely familiar dear reader, try this memory hint. FBI Agent stationed in Phoenix, Arizona, who submitted a report noting that several aliens were taking commercial flying lessons at private locations across the country? Another hint? Well, the subjects included a guy named Zacarias Moussaoui, and all of the classes were taken during the months preceding September 11th, 2001. That's right, that Colleen Rowley!

Colleen Rowley has retired from the FBI, and is an announced candidate for a Congressional Seat in Minnesota, where she is running as a Democrat. Ms. Rowley was one of the TIME Magazine "Persons of the Year 2002."

A Texas farmer and a retired FBI Agent. One might wonder what brings two such diverse people together one summer's night in Texas? Frodo thinks it is the light from a single candle.

"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine;
This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. . ." Sing the song children!

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:50 PM EDT
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