Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

His Fast Gun for Hire, He's The Calling Wind
Mood:

cheeky
Topic: "Weather Channel Follies"
"Thank you Bob, this is Frodo reporting from the Heartland of America as Hurricane Rita moves inland from the Texas Coast. Whoa, that gust of wind almost got me, and it would have had it not been for this Humvee to my left."
"What's that, Bob? The howling wind sounds like a dozen freight trains, or is that the fleet of Huey Helicopters circling overhead? I can't see very well because of the Amphibious Vehicles lined up alongside the road to my right."
"Yes Bob, as far as we can determine all the residents of Crawford have already been evacuated and are being temporarily housed at the Ritz-Carlton on Maui."
"It appears that the damage could be quite extensive in this part of Texas. We tested it by spitting up into the air, and that booger blew clear up to Arkansas before it hit anything."
"Yes, that is true, the President did order the evacuation, with the agreement of his good friend and successor as Governor, Rick Perry. The President also recalled the 482nd from Iraq, mobilized the 82nd Airborne, and deployed the entire Third Army right outside the Rangers Ballpark in Arlington."
"The Director of FEMA, the Secretary of Homeland Security, Jerry Jones of the Dallas Cowboys, and the CEO of Home Depot, Bob Nardelli, are here wiping the noses of every cow that has gotten wet from the rain."
"It is clear to this reporter that the President is conscious of how important it is for him to appear strong and in command during this natural disaster. Here is what he said during his Address to the Nation just before we came on the air."

"My fellow Americans, I come before you with a heavy heart. Your President is not a crook. Our long national nightmare is over. There is a malaise in America. Tear down that wall. Read my lips. I did not have sex with that woman. That is hard work."

"You have another question Bob? Yes, there were a number of minorities air-lifted out. Why I'm sure that nearly everyone of the domestics and the farmhands at the President's ranch were evacuated, and all of them were either African-American or Hispanic. In fact, I saw the Secretary of State holding an umbrella for Mrs. Bush as she boarded Air Force One."
"That's all from here, Frodo reporting for the Weather Channel in Crawford, Texas."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:23 PM EDT

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Monday, September 19, 2005

Fee, Fie, Foe, Fana, Me, My, Moe, Manna
Mood:

chatty
Topic: "Philadelphia Bunnyface?"
Frodo has always been sensitive to the names of young children. Brandi is a great name for a cocker spaniel or a small child to his way of thinking, but the prospect of referring to his great-grandmother as "Grandma Brandi" is, at best, a daunting proposition. The problem is that this is not a recent occurrence, nor does it reflect, as some would argue, upon certain ethnic groups.

The Cornwall County Record Office in Britain has recently compiled a list of more than 1,000 unusual names dating back to the 16th century. Rene Jackaman, Archive Assistant, included "Boadicea Basher," "Edward Evil," "Charity Chilly," and "Obedience Ginger" alongside the titular name of "Philadelphia Bunnyface." Frodo Baggins is strange enough, he admits, however the surname "Bunnyface" has eluded Frodo throughout his extended existence.

Married couples identified by Ms/Mr Jackaman included "Nicholas Bone and Priscilla Skin," "Charles Swine and Jane Ham," and "Richard Dinner and Mary Cook."

Frodo decided to conduct his own "Name Game," and with profound apologies to individuals who may actually bear a moniker or two identified herein, the list begins. How about Amanda Holder, Rose Bush, Tawana Peace, or even Ivana Bellone? Males named Dick Hertz and Sauer Ball are put to shame by any young boy named Bader, whose surname is preceeded by the formal title "Master." Frodo notes that he once knew, and felt very sorry for, Ricky Bader, who went his entire life with the nickname "Master."

There really isn't much point to making fun of the names of otherwise upright citizens. However, it should be noted that Frodo no longer purchases any product labelled "Busch" or "Bush." They are in the wrong league.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:06 PM EDT

Updated: Monday, September 19, 2005 9:08 PM EDT

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Sunday, September 18, 2005

Who Ya Gonna Call?
Mood:

spacey
Topic: "Do They Like Kool Aid?"
Christopher Chung of Orlando, Florida (governed by Jeb Bush), is a Jehovah's Witness. Mr. Chung's religious beliefs require him "to avoid encountering or having association with spirits or demons." This doctrine presented Mr. Chung with a problem only when subcontractors at work on the restaurant he was having renovated reported seeing ghosts. Mr. Chung expressed his reluctance to move into the haunted leased space, and the landlords subsequently filed suit for $2.6 Million.

To their credit, the landlords first sought to remedy the situation. They asked first if these were bad ghosts, or if they were good ghosts? Frodo was impressed by the philosophical nature of the inquiry (he was alone in this assessment however, since Mr. Chung did not see the relevance of the query). The landlords then offered to sponsor an exorcism to eliminate the issue entirely. Mr. Chung noted that such a rite is Roman Catholic and is not accepted by his faith.

The landlords felt they had no further option to the filing of a lawsuit. In the suit they asked a judge to decide whether the building is haunted and, if so, whether the ghosts would interfere with the restaurant's business.

Frodo is fascinated by the possibilities this offers for judicial activism. Imagine, dear reader, if you were a patron of Mr. Chung's restaurant, and your waiter was headless (not quite what we've grown accustomed to at "Hooters," eh what?). Frodo would love to be an attorney for one day, for this case. How appropriate, this might be the first case to reach the level of appeal before the "John Roberts Court." Frodo salivates over the opinion of Justice Thomas in matters of this nature (not that he's never before reminded Frodo of anyone named "Lightnin'" or "Rochester) .

No matter what, we know that Governor Jeb Bush will step into the issue as a "friend of the court." His public comments regarding the late Terry Schiavo made it abundantly clear that he would be unsurprised at her appearance at the grand opening of Mr. Chung's restaurant.

Life would certainly be a lot less amusing if Mr. Chung simply joined the Church of England.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:55 PM EDT

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Sunday, September 11, 2005

Don't Go 'Round Tonight, It's Bound to Take Your Life
Mood:

smelly
Daniel Fletcher, Professor of Poultry Science at the University of Georgia, has found a way to transform dark-meat chicken into white. The "other white meat," according to Dr. Fletcher, isn't meant to compete, rather it can be used as a "filler" to add protein and amino acids to dishes such as "chicken nuggets."

"Surimi! This is chicken surimi. . .yuck!," said Marion Nestle, a Food Studies Professor at New York University. For the food challenged, "surimi" is imitation crab meat made from minced fish.

Dr. Fletcher said that Nestle's response was typical, and emphasized that there are a lot of good eating experiences which one might miss if they paid too much attention to the label. "It actually tastes like something you would use with Hamburger Helper. It's a very neutral flavor, and in some ways is very much like tofu."

Frodo hates to interject into the middle of a scholarly debate, but he couldn't help but ask himself, "Why would anyone be interested in fake white meat?"

Entering at this point is Bill Roenigk, SVP of the National Chicken Council, who stated that "Most dark meat produced in the United States is exported to Russia and the Middle East." It turns out that dark meat gets it color from myoglobin, a protein that transports oxygen. It is found in the muscles that animals use most often, and, in the case of chickens, that happens to be the legs and the thighs. "At the end of the day, it is going to be the consumer who says that this is a good idea or not."

Frodo had not known that there was a Department of Poultry Science at the University of Georgia. He supposes that some day he will be watching an NCAA Football Game and hear that a Middle Linebacker from Cordele is a Junior, majoring in Poultry Science. Should he fail to advance into Professional Football after his eligibility ends, he can always go to work for the National Chicken Council. How 'bout dem Dawgs!

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:29 PM EDT

Updated: Sunday, September 11, 2005 8:40 PM EDT

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Saturday, September 10, 2005

We All Live in a Yellow Submarine
Mood:

a-ok
Topic: "A Hobbit of an Idea"
Merry has taped four vidotape cassettes of news coverage relating to the tragedy on the Gulf Coast. Merry felt that, over time, the Orcs would distort facts in order to support their political leanings. Frodo laments the fact that we of Middle Earth are so suspicious of one another, but grudingly admits that half-truths are prevalent. During the compilation process Merry used her mind as well as her technological skill, and she asked herself, "What can we do to deal with the next catastrophe that would lessen the pain for all concerned"? A noble inquiry, to be sure.

Orcs, and those who pay attention to their ranting, regularly profess that we who are their opponents only criticize, and never offer solutions. Merry's idea is a fitting response to that assertion.

Merry has proposed "Camp Survival." A centralized location for all emergency response efforts; a clearinghouse for preparation, as well as logistical coordination during, and after. Quite simply, by way of example, a recently closed military facility would provide storage and temporary quarters necessary for dealing with a disaster comparable to Hurricane Katrina. Think how much better, dear reader, things would have gone, had there been emergency vehicles immediately dispatched to New Orleans to transport Military personnel to the affected areas. Think, also, how much better it would have been to move "refugees" to a single location, at which they could be be housed, healthcare provided, and survivor information centralized and processed.

Think, most importantly, what could happen should there develop some sort of communicable disease which strikes those who have been exposed to the toxic elements which permeate that environment. There are refugees scattered all over our land, and the possibility of a nationwide epidemic would presently be unstoppable. A point for temporary quarantine just makes sense.

"Camp Survival" may never be needed again, that is true. It may be needed for those who fall prey to Hurricane Ophelia presently adrift off the coast of South Carolina, that also is a possibility.

What is clear is that a single Hobbit has come forth with a better idea than anything proposed by anyone ever involved with the International Arabian Horse Association. It makes Frodo wonder just how much safer we are today, than we were before George W. Bush became anything more than a footnote in the annals of AA?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:02 PM EDT

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Tuesday, September 6, 2005

Nobody Does it Better
Mood:

on fire
Topic: "Satire-Apology to Mick"
Frodo is extremely upset that discord has come to the Shire. Somebody pooped on Sam's carpet.

The dog door is usually always open, and there is no excuse for any resident of the Shire to seek relief indoors. Inclement weather can, however, cause aberrant behavior, and that is a potential factor in the breakdown of order in the Shire. Additionally, the presence of Beau (aka "Beau No") means that the dog door must be closed at night until the newest resident becomes totally oriented to the outside world. Hard evidence indicates that Beau was not a factor in this instance.

What is clear is that a toxic element sat undisturbed in the midst of the Shire. Despite all the disaster planning possible, not a single resident of the Shire was willing to admit any involvement in the crime. Both Frodo and Sam were vocal enough to cause genuine anxiety among their friends and fellow residents.

Mick, the Wonder Dog, stepped out from the crowd, and proposed that he lead an investigation into the successes, and the failures, of disaster planning in the Shire. Mick stated that, "it is important to understand the relationship between officials at local, state, and federal levels," so that proper planning and management can take place in the future.

Fiona, also under purview, suggested that Mick take a look at himself in the mirror. She added, succinctly, that the proposal was "dogshit," and she said "to hell with it."

Funny how life imitates art, isn't it?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:57 PM EDT

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Friday, September 2, 2005

Do You Know What It Means to Miss New Orleans?
Mood:

don't ask
Topic: "Let Them Eat Cake"
Frodo once stood at the end of an old concrete pier at a place called "Rainbow Beach" on a lake called Pontchartrain. Prissy and Gumbo, companions at the time laid by his side as he fished for the mysteries of salt water. "Rainbow Beach" was largely deserted then, because during the days of segregation it had been the area designated for "Coloreds Only." It was run-down and deserted, not atypical of most things in the City of Orleans, eventually. Frodo enjoyed the solitude for his fishing, and it allowed him to think about those who once frequented the place, and to weave their experiences into that of a Hobbit.

Gumbo began to bark, and Prissy sallied forth to greet interlopers spilling onto the beach behind Frodo. Several dozen Vietnamese men, women, and children-in-arms, waved to Frodo as they chattered away in their native tongue. Frodo waved back, and joined his canine companions as they intently observed the activity. The refugees from a violent world unfurled a long and heavy net, and began to form a human chain as they dragged it into the surf. Soon they were a crescent of human beings jointly moving toward the shore, and as they emerged one-by-one from the water Frodo was amazed at the catch in the net. Frodo and friends walked back along the pier in order to observe the catch.

The halflings smiled as Frodo approached, and they began to hold up fish to Frodo, offering him gifts from their catch. They evidently assumed that Frodo had been luckless in his fishing, and that they were willing to share with one of those who now shared their new home in Middle Earth. Frodo graciously declined, but he made a point of smiling and shaking hands with his new neighbors, willing to share all that they had.

Today Frodo watches the City of Orleans in despair. He listens to those who speak in anger, and his heart breaks for those who have lost all of what they have known. Frodo seethes as people with whom he has walked are shuttled like cattle from place-to-place, and line-to-line, yet they remain thirsty, hungry, worried. Orcs abound with weaponry seized from a "downtown" Wal-Mart. Men of Gondor or Riders of Rohan are under siege, and badly outnumbered. Promises, promises, promises are made, and still the innocent suffer.

In the end it will be another human chain which forms and provides bounty enough to sustain. Frodo will not be surprised to find Vietnamese fishermen bringing their catch to help those whose land they now share. The bond between those with little to give crosses all boundaries. How sad that the rest of us have learned so little.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:27 AM EDT

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Wednesday, August 31, 2005

It Takes a Lot of Water to Wash Away New Orleans
Mood:

blue
Topic: "Poor People"
America, meet the poor people. Refugees housed in the Louisiana Superdome are relocated to Houston to be stored and exhibited in the edifice formerly known as the Astrodome. For those people who did heed the warnings and got out of New Orleans before Katrina, and who have now ended up in Houston, with no money, and limited prospects, there is, however, no room at the Inn. The Mayor of Houston is concerned about "control."

George W. Bush knocked two days off his five-week vacation, and announced his intentions to visit the devastated areas on Friday. Wanna bet that none of the people on that Interstate Bridge in New Orleans will chant "U-S-A, U-S-A"?

A plethora of seemingly obese black people have been featured players on all of the news channels as they carry stolen goods from stores all over the area. It is reported that former Senator Trent Lott's home in Pascagoula was looted. Frodo wonders if maybe some of Strom Thurmond's offspring may have been involved in that one?

It would have taken approximately $14 Billion to restore the eroded land at the mouth of the Mississippi River. The loss of soil, caused by the construction of levees by the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, has been steady and significant for several years. Had a mere 10 feet of that eroded land been restored along the Louisiana coast the storm surge which accompanied Katrina would have been reduced an equivalent 10 feet. The levees would have held, the misery avoided, and the more than $26 Billion in estimated insured losses avoided.

Instead, the "poorest of the poor" may have suffered casualties in the thousands. A way of life may have ended these past few days, but most importantly America has met her poor people, and boy are they ever pissed. Frodo is certain that the cost of a gallon of gasoline is the most trivial point of all that has happened. America has suddenly noted that all of the economic indicators are not pointing in the same direction.

Nothing will ever be the same again. Just ask the people who didn't get out of those attics.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:52 PM EDT

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Sunday, August 28, 2005

Won't Come Back From Deadman's Curve
Mood:

d'oh
Topic: "Small Victories"
Late on a Sunday afternoon in the Shire, and Frodo sits in the Gazebo, surrounded by screening to ward off the carriers of the West Nile. Outside Fiona and Mick, the Wonder Dog, keep watch for squirrels from picket posts dug deep beneath forsythia. Birds hover to feeders in search of their favorite seed. Butterflies flit from passion flower to butterfly bush in search of their favorite nectar. The Sports, Metro, and Living sections of the paper lie at Frodo's feet.

At the hummingbird feeder hanging protectively from the shingled roof of the Gazebo, rivals contest for the rights to the sugary liquid which will soon power them onward. Sometimes arriving from the opposite direction, they occasionally appear confused by the screening and have difficulty figuring out how to get to the feeder.

Suddenly, an emergency. A hummingbird tries to penetrate the screening and hits it with sufficient force that his long proboscis is stuck in the mesh. Frodo is not prepared for this kind of event. All he knows is that the little creature is greatly distressed, and is in real danger of hurting himself. Frodo stands quickly and the ruby throat glistens in the sunlight. Frodo knows better than to touch anything, for the best of intentions could produce a broken beak, and subsequent starvation.

Frodo thinks he can see into the eyes of the hummingbird, and seems to hear a mixture of fear and pleading. Frodo takes a step forward directly toward the prisoner, and the hummingbird instinctively pulls straight back and is free.

He hovers for just a moment, probably just getting his bearings. How arrogant of Frodo to think that the pause was for any other reason.

Tomorrow we'll find a new location for the feeder. Close by, where Frodo can keep watch, but with less potential danger for innocent friends. Wisdom that would befit a President.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:34 PM EDT

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Thursday, August 25, 2005

I Went Down to The Audubon Zoo, And They All Asked For You
Mood:

hug me
Topic: "Sticker Shock"
"The existing and long-standing use of the word 'evolution' in our state's textbooks has not adversely affected Georgians' belief in the omnipotence of God as creator of the Universe. There can be no incompatibility between Christian faith and proven facts concerning geology, biology, and astronomy. There is no need to teach that stars can fall out of the sky and land on a flat earth in order to defend religious faith. . ."--James E. Carter, January 2005.

The State Superintendent of Schools, Republican Kathy Cox, was ordered to remove from all High School Biology textbooks a "sticker" which noted that "evolution" was a theory and that it should be considered consistent with other theories. This "sticker" is, of course, consistent with the ordered opinion of the current President of the United States, George "Wiliiam Jennings Bryan" Bushman.

Frodo was struck by the Bushman's reference to "Intelligent Design," subsequent to the Georgia ruling. Frodo smelled another attempt to paint "activist judges" as incompatible with the reasoned opinions of God-fearing American citizens. Frodo decided therefore to conduct a survey in order to determine whether former President Carter's opinion, or that of the Bushman actually mirrored public opinion in The Shire. Note dear reader that the survey was based on the responses of 100% of those to whom questions were addressed.

100% of the male feline contingent of the Shire felt that the Bushman proved himself to be an alcoholic, a junkie, a coward, and a moron, but not necessarily in that order.

100% of the female canine contingent of the Shire felt that the Bushman was entirely consistent in his behavior, noting that he has never told the truth about anything.

100% of the male avian contingent of the Shire expressed the opinion that the Bushman never did learn how to fly, to talk, or otherwise perform on his own.

100% of the male canine contingent expressed the belief that the Bushman served a purpose as a substitute fireplug.

100% of the Hobbits in the Shire are convinced that the Bushman is living proof that evolution is not without flaws.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:56 PM EDT

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