Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Saturday, December 23, 2006

I Really Wanna Know You, But It Takes So Long My Sweet Lord
Mood:

spacey
Topic: "Billy World" (2)
Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) took his family cross-country in order to visit "Wally World." Imagine, dear reader, someday taking your family to visit a barn with a glass-entry in the shape of a cross, within which you will first be greeted by a talking cow who will lead you through the exhibits to the burial spot of the Reverend Billy Graham and his wife Ruth. Frodo supposes that you will then be able to buy a "Billy Graham Loved Me" Tee Shirt, and a Slurpee for the long ride home.

Franklin Graham, the 54-year-old son of Billy and Ruth, the developer of said project, is in conflict with his brother Ned and his three sisters over the eternal plans for their mother and father. Add in the fact that Ruth is totally against being buried in the theme park, wanting only to be buried next to her husband near their mountain cabin home. Billy, so we are told, is torn between the wishes of his wife and his belief in his son's judgment.

Frodo notes that Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker developed a theme park near Rock Hill, South Carolina, during their heyday. "Billy World" would be located just outside Charlotte, North Carolina, the home of NASCAR and few other tourist attractions. The Carolinas, which provide a buffer between the Atlantic Ocean and the American coastline, are a prime locale for such creations which some might feel make a mockery of the faithful. "Frankly," says Frodo, "given the perspective of global warming, doesn't it make sense that all these yahoos should be congregated in an area that could be destroyed by rising floodwaters?"

Charlton Heston is in pretty bad shape these days, so Franklin Graham may want to carefully consider whom he might call upon to part the floodwaters should the inevitable overtake the eternal. The Messianic leadership circles are badly thinned by sex and deviant sex shenanigans in recent times. In fact, such a task might actually have to be outsourced. It may not sit too well with the faithful if Arnold Schwarzenegger, Wesley Snipes, or Katie Couric were chosen to portray divine guidance.

Frodo is compelled to point out that there is another place on the little blue planet where religious people go to sanctify their faith on the bier of the divine. It is called Mecca; only there they don't sell Slurpees.

The Sioux Indians, who called themselves "the human beings," buried their great Chief Crazy Horse in a secret spot, undiscovered to this day, in the lands that had been their tribal home. Silly Indians, look at all the admission charges they lost.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:57 PM EST

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Thursday, December 21, 2006

I Fooled Around And Fell in Love
Mood:

happy
Topic: "Virgin Birth" (2)
Parthenogenesis is a process of asexual reproduction. Eggs become embryos without male fertilization, and parthenogenesis has been observed in about 70 species. As Christmas approaches, scientific explanations of current events make Frodo pay special attention to the details at hand. Flora, a Komodo Dragon at the Chester Zoo in England, has become pregnant on her own, and is scheduled to deliver seven little Komodren shortly. Parthenogenesis has never before been noted in Komodo Dragons.

At 8 years of age Flora is sexually mature. Having been raised entirely in captivity, she has never been exposed to a male Komodo Dragon. In May, Flora laid 25 eggs, a not uncommon event among many species, but the shocker came when it was determined that several of the eggs were fertile. DNA testing proved that only the genetic presence of the "Mother" existed in the offspring-to-be.

Parthenogenesis is an "either-or" occurrence in all previously observed instances. The Komodo Dragon is the first creature capable of reproducing both sexually and asexually. This survival weapon is not only important in a world where the remaining 4,000 Komodo Dragons include only 1,000 males, but it gives the Komodo a "tool" that separates it from all "higher" forms of life.

Don Imus, the bizarre but entertaining host of "Imus in the Morning," has been, of late, querying each of his male guests about any sexual relationship involving Mary Cheney, the daughter of the Vice President of the United States. Imus is conducting a personal investigation in order to determine the true parentage of the pregnant admitted lesbian.

Frodo notes a certain similarity in the appearance and the demeanor of the Komodo Dragon and the Cheney family. The long winter nights in Wyoming make for very strange bedfellows, supposes Frodo, and it is certainly the most sparsely distributed population in all of the lower 48 states. Imus may want to consider genetic testing.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:43 PM EST

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Wednesday, December 20, 2006

But It's Only Make Believe
Mood:

cheeky
Topic: "You Put Your Eye Out"(2)
"Wanda Hickey's Night of Golden Memories" was Frodo's initial confrontation with a fearless comic chronicler of the Twentieth Century in America. Despite all evidence to the contrary, PLAYBOY magazine was widely-read by those seeking additional information about John Dillinger, why toes curl during sex, and what caused Jimmy Carter to "lust in my heart." Jean Shepherd was introduced to Hobbits and Elves alike beside the glistening likenesses of Barbi Benton and all her sisters-in-air-brush-magic.

Ralphie was Shepherd's character who desperately wanted a Red Ryder BB-Gun for Christmas, and his adventures that winter caught the imagination of an entire generation who were not ashamed to admit that they, too, had stuck their tongue on at least one frozen flagpole. The TV adaptation of Shepherd's short story is a part of television viewing as real as either Jimmy Stewart, Ed Asner, or Natalie Wood. Darren McGavin portrayed the Father of "Everyman" who had failed to recall a single item of desire while seated on Santa's knee. Who among us can ever forget the display of the only thing that Ralphie's Dad had ever won?

It was reported recently that the house, in Cleveland Ohio, which was the backdrop for that marvelous TV production, was sold via E-Bay, over the Internet, for $150,000. The purchaser has converted the house into a museum, charging $5 for the tour, and opened an obligatory gift shop across the street. Amidst the Tee shirts, the bulls-eye targets, and the snowsuits with bunny feet, there is one mail-order item which is making the venture into a real money maker. As of this writing more than $700,000 in orders of "leg lamps" have been shipped to purchasers around the world. These duplicates of McGavin's display in the front window have become a cult classic.

Frodo eventually got his Red Ryder BB-Gun, he beat the hell out of the neighborhood bully after years of misery, and he always thought that the little house on Buchanan Street would make a great museum. He thinks of these things every time he thumbs through an old copy of PLAYBOY.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:44 PM EST

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Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Oh Me, Oh My I'm a Fool For Ya Baby
Mood:

crushed out
Topic: "Sam Shopping" (2)

The Discovery Store at the Towne Center Mall and Mausoleum has always come through for Frodo in the past. On any given workday, prior to lunchtime, he could slip away from Mount Doom long enough to wander aimlessly through the mercantile establishment and find something appropriate, if not interesting, for Sam's Christmas present. The choices available for 2006 however, appear either redundant or juvenile. There is nothing which catches the eye, or the imagination of a Hobbit. Frodo is in big trouble.

In Seasons past, Frodo "discovered" a rotating, blue light caller identification device that is visible from across a room. The device clearly identifies the source number and name which accompanies the intrusive ringing during dinnertime. With this device, Frodo and Sam will never know who tries to keep calling them from Nacogodoches, Texas, and they are much happier as a result. The updated version of this same device was all over the display floor.

Another time Frodo "discovered" a motorized device which trims, buffs, polishes, waxes, and anything else that one may do to the nails and cuticles on their appendages. The practical application of this device is similar to a Swiss Army Knife, in that there are so many options that it may take years for one to master all of the tools at ones' disposal. The only difference between Sam's device and the newer model seems to be that the newer one is a 5-speed automatic, while Sam's is a manual transmission.

The majority of the adult display floor was devoted to a massaging device which is installed into the rear of a luxurious (rich Corinthian) leather chair. Supposedly it vibrates in a manner which results in a complete breakdown of all tension and stress. Frodo did not doubt that at all, for it bears a striking resemblance to the device utilized in many Southern States to execute death penalty recipients.

What really concerned Frodo is that all of the "adult" devices which have served him well in prior visits have suffered loss of floor presence to "juvenile" items. Although Frodo finds the "virtual volcano" fascinating, he is not sure that there is any kind of practical application for the Shire. The same may be said for nearly any of the portable updated "transistor radios" which Frodo scorns as camouflauge from the real sounds of the world around him.

The challenge, dear reader, is formidable. Frodo has already considered, and rejected, clothing, jewelry, aromatics, food items, live animals, exercise machinery, furniture, and reading material. All of these items could be interpreted as critical of the present state of bliss that is associated with the relationship of the two Hobbits. An exercise bike, for example, may be interpreted as a signal that one has partaken of too much fudge during the holiday season.

Alas, only George W. Bush is as void of creativity to problem-solving as is the Hobbit. Suggestions, anyone?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:27 PM EST

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Monday, December 18, 2006

It Would Sure Do Me Good To Do You Good, Let Me Help
Mood:

loud
Topic: "Vandals at the Gates"(2)
One of the greatest Icons, not to be confused with Neocons, in the American South was the legendary football coach at the University of Alabama, Paul "Bear" Bryant. Frodo's favorite story about Bryant has to do with the two banquets held to honor the collegiate careers of quarterbacks Joe Willie Namath and Kenny Stabler. For the uninitiated, Namath was the Alabama quarterback for four years, and Stabler took over the helm afterwards.

At the banquet held to honor Namath after his final game at Alabama, Bryant said that Namath was the greatest quarterback in the history of the University of Alabama. The following year, after Stabler had amassed statistical accomplishments which dwarfed the performances of the now-sainted Namath, Bryant acknowledged Stabler as the "greatest quarterback in the last five years" at the University of Alabama.

Frodo recalls that story because of the testimonial offered by the Vice President of the United States, Richard Cheney (appropriately known as "Dick"), in behalf of out-going Defense Secretary Don Rumsfeld. Cheney referred to Rumsfeld as the "greatest Secretary of Defense in the history of the United States." This morning, Cheney was there to administer the oath of office to, presumably, the "best Secretary of Defense during this Administration," Robert Gates.

Frodo watched Tom Friedman on "Meet the Press" this past Sunday and, as the story goes, actually kissed the TV when Friedman spoke his mind. Friedman said that if all that were true, then "George W. Bush is a fool, or Dick Cheney is a liar." Friedman noted that Bush had fired Rumsfeld at one of the most intense periods in our national history. If, indeed, he was the best SOD ever, then Bush must be a fool. On the other hand, if he weren't the best ever, then Cheney lied.

Tom, push both buttons. These are not mutually exclusive states of being. Frodo wants to carry the current parlance even further by asserting that not only is this the "worst Presidential Administration" in our national experience, it is, in Frodo's opinion, the worst administered government produced in the Western World since the dawn of the Industrial Revolution.

Good luck Mr. Gates, and don't take any wooden nickels.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:18 PM EST

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Wednesday, December 13, 2006

If You Don't Know Me By Now You Will Never, Never Know Me
Mood:

down
"Professor Frodo, don't you think that tax cuts benefit the economy?," asked the youthful questioner of the visiting scholar from the Shire.

"Yes, and sometimes No," responded the pipe-smoking visiting scholar from the Shire.

"Well my Father says that extending tax cuts allows business to invest in their employees, create efficiencies, and improves productivity. That, he says, benefits American business, and that is all of us. What do you say to that?'" smirked the weasel-lipped legacy student from Texas.

"Well, your Father is certainly correct, sometimes," theorized the visiting scholar from the Shire.

"Jorge," said Frodo, "let me give you a little hard data from Bloomberg.com which you can extrapolate for yourself. In fact, I'll give you the data, and a brief interpretative statement, and your assignment will be to analyze it and to propose a proper course of action by the Executive Branch. We'll pretend that you are the President of the United States."

Snickers and uproarious laughter from the fellow membership of Skull and Bones fills the lecture hall. One unattributed comment is heard from the rear, "Right, Jorge will be President and gets a DUI while on his way to the Inaugural." More laughter, louder.

Professor Frodo frowns and the snickers die down.

"Jorge, the first two charts I'm putting on the blackboard reflect the percentage of total income earned by the "Top 20%" and the "Bottom 60%" income earners of the American populations in 1985 and in 2005."

Top 20%       Bottom 60%
1985 45.6     29.9

2005 50.4     26.6

"Now, add in the following for the ratio of CEO annual earnings as compared to the annual earnings of the average American worker in the years 1976, 1993, and in 2005."

CEO Earnings Compared to Average Worker

1976 36 times greater

1993 131 times greater

2005 369 times greater

"Jorge, Bloomberg.com utilizes these statistics to support the hypothesis that there is a growing gap between rich and poor in America. In fact, the actual quote from this financial news source is 'serious national concern.'"

"Now, do you still feel that extending tax cuts, which predominantly benefit the "Top 20%", is without danger to the stability of the country? Could it not be argued that the rich are getting richer, and that the poor are getting poorer? What would you do if you were President of the United States?"

Every head in the lecture hall turned to the seat occupied by the young man from Texas.

He snored softly.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:36 PM EST

Updated: Tuesday, December 19, 2006 8:29 PM EST

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Tuesday, December 12, 2006

If You've Got Soul Then Everybody Knows That It's Alright
Mood:

hug me
Topic: "Belling the Cat" (2)
Frodo and Gimli rang the bells, in harmony, for the soldiers of the Salvation Army again this past Saturday. Armed with the knowledge of eye contact, and preying upon the flashing smiles of toddlers, the Hobbit and the Dwarf brought forth echoes of clappers from the halls of the retail stores they surrounded. Offering the bell to a toddler to ring always produces a toothy grin and a parents' grudging need to offer coins for the kettle. Smiles and "Merry Christmas Y'All" make families skip into the parking lots with imaginary snowflakes blowing across their dreams of Christmas Day to come.

Frodo was interested in the "take," at first, but then he began to remember just how much fun it is to sing a little song, dance a little dance, and make little Hobbits laugh. More than anything else though, Frodo was humbled by the actions of one little boy, his Mom, and his Dad. The little boy was carrying a coffee can that he and his parents had been using as a collection point for extra pennies and nickels, all year long. Santa's little helper poured the entire contents into the kettle that the Hobbit and the Dwarf conveniently placed on the ground for easy access.

Santa's little helper may not know, today, that people displaced by Hurricane Katrina will benefit because of his coffee can. He may never have a chance to see hot meals being served to hungry people with no place to live. It is very unlikely that he will ever have someone walk up to him and remember him as Santa's little helper. What he will have is a memory, at Christmastime, that makes families, and days such as these so much a part of the Citizens of Middle Earth.

Frodo notes that Sam has a coffee can that is almost empty. Lessons learned dear reader, lessons learned.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:00 PM EST

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Sunday, December 10, 2006

Give Me Just a Little More Time
Mood:

sharp
Topic: "Frodo Study Group" (2)
Saddam Hussein has been sentenced to death and, sooner or later, somebody is planning to hang the old boy. Can you imagine, dear reader, what Iraq will be like, given the present circumstances, on that day?

The lock-step analyses of the Bush Administration and the Baker-Hamilton Study Group have, or will have soon, concluded that the major role for US Forces must move from combat to training. This, of course, assumes that both combat and training will be continuing endeavors between the present and the eventual "draw down" dates. Wouldn't it make more sense, dear reader, to minimize the combat role during the training phase?

Negotiating with ones' adversaries is not an uncommon event, and negotiations have produced documents as notable as the Magna Carta, for example. The United States spent many long hours in negotiations with the North Koreans in order to cease the fighting on the border of that member of the "Evil Axis." Negotiating with leverage, i.e. holding a trump card behind your back, and knowing that you have it, is as successful in Poker as it is in Nuclear Brinksmanship.

Given these observations, Frodo provides the following suggestions to Sauron as input to the "recommendations" he is analyzing, along with the ISG input, from his Generals "in the field" and from "his staff."

Set a date for the removal of all "Coalition" troops from Iraq. The date will precede the scheduled execution date of Saddam Hussein. Inform the Maliki Government that all in-country US troops will immediately be made available, embedded in Iraqi forces if so desired, to train and supply their Iraqi counterparts as their principal role and responsibility. The Governments of Syria and Iran will be informed of the final date of total troop drawdown, and offered the opportunity to participate in the schedule for implementation.

Frodo's plan defines who is doing what and when, and for the first time, why. Iran is a nation-state which is predominantly Persian Shiite. Syria is a nation-state which is predominantly Sunni. Since Iraq is a predominant conglomeration of Non-Persian (Arabic) Shiites, and Sunnis, the theoretical outside sponsors of insurgency (Iran and Syria) will be faced with the prospect of their present allegiance being torn asunder by their non-sectarian interests within Iraqi borders. Imagine Syria, for example, trying to defend the life of Saddam Hussein in order to appease their brothers in Iraq. Iran, on the other hand, will find itself dealing with many of the same Shiite Militia who currently exist, because the Persian and Arabic distinctions are as deep as are those of Sunni and Shi'ia. Didn't know that did you, dear reader? The bad news is neither does George W. Bush.

Setting a definite date, according to the Neo-Cons, would only mean that the insurgents will wait until the US is gone and then waltz into Baghdad. Well, not if the US Forces take advantage of the "lull" in fighting that is assumed and devote their maximum effort to training and supply. Then, the US will have done everything possible to help prepare the Maliki Government to take responsibility. Most importantly, they will know the date of the "final exam."

Frodo suggests November 11th, 2007. At the eleventh hour. Bagpipes would be nice.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:27 PM EST

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Saturday, December 9, 2006

Did You Ever See a Robin Weep
Mood:

quizzical
Topic: "I Could Cry" (2)
A cold day in the Shire is a very lonely day. The smallest of birds flit from tree-to-tree, and an occasional squirrel hangs upside down from a bird feeder stuffed with sunflower seeds. Beyond that the endless blue skies are silent, and nothing moves against the icy backdrop of shriveled vines and drooping plants.

Nothing, however, deters Fiona and Mick, the Wonder Dog, from their romp in pursuit of tennis balls and alien sniffs in the Shire. They tire quickly this morning and do not complain when Frodo turns and heads back to the warmth of the morning hearth. On the trail there is a pile of feathers, and Frodo is drawn to the point of recognition. One of the many songbirds which populate the Shire has met its' end, either from a feral feline or from the predatory avian skies. The coloration of the feathers tells Frodo that a towhee ended its days on this spot. There is no blood, nor any bone, simply feathers scattered in a circle almost as large as a basketball. There is nothing by which the perpetrator could be identified. There is only silence.

Frodo scans the skies for movement, but there is none. Although Frodo will miss the thrashing among the leaves which characterizes the towhee's search for food, and the characteristic "the tea" call, hawks and other predatory birds are part of the natural balance. On the other hand, feral cats are the result of the utter stupidity of human beings, and Frodo has little tolerance for the presence of either. If the assault on the towhee did emanate from this source, then Frodo has a right to grieve.

The balance, as Frodo calls it, is amazing. There seem to be fewer feral cats these days, so notes Frodo, in the areas around the Shire. Frodo suspects that it does not relate to the intellectual growth of mankind, but to his assault on the environment. As houses replace wooded lands, there are fewer natural habitats. Displaced are deer, bear, raccoons, among others and, most certainly, coyotes. Coyotes, once totally invisible, seem to be everywhere in the darkness, and small mammals, like cats, are easy picking. Nature it seems, has a new tool at her disposal to reduce the number of former human pets loosed on her preserve.

The towhee fell, opines Frodo, to meet the need. Either the predator who balances the natural order did as was intended, or the towhee attracted the aberrant who will be the discovery of the displaced predator.

It is a cold, and quiet, morning in the Shire. Every day is a lesson. Frodo has feeders to fill, dear reader. There is a hungry towhee somewhere near who can find space available amongst the fallen leaves of the Shire.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:58 AM EST

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Thursday, December 7, 2006

The Road Goes On Forever And The Party Never Ends
Mood:

special

The Pre-Emptive War of George W. Bush was most recently preceded by the Pre-Emptive War of the Empire of Japan. In the most recent instance the United States of America took the aggressor's step, as it similarly received the step of the aggressor 65 years ago this date, in infamy. Frodo recalls his presence just a few short years ago when Sam accompanied him to the Memorial just offshore from Ford Island. There was nothing superlative in Frodo's experience which overcame that which dwarfs the universal humility experienced by all who visit this platform over the USS ARIZONA. The loss of life, nay the loss of innocence, are felt by all who come here, regardless of their point of departure.

Frodo was concentrating on the slowly rising bubblets of oil. People about him had their own thoughts, and Frodo was not about to intrude. There was a gentleman with a camera, standing by himself, and glancing toward the USS MISSOURI, now tethered just behind the bier which is the monument to those resting below. His furtive eye contact with Frodo was both timid and hopeful. He lifted his camera in one hand toward Frodo, silently asking if Frodo would take his picture. Perhaps because Frodo stood alone, or maybe he thought Frodo younger than many of those who shared their time on that platform, but his eyes were translating words that separated him from all the rest of those at that place, at that time.

Frodo smiled and took the camera. With his back to the USS MISSOURI, the traveler from Japan stood solemnly and waited for the camera to click. When the photo was taken Frodo stepped forward and handed the camera back to the gentleman, and as the traveler bowed from the waist, so did Frodo. Frodo (pardon the phonetics here) said "Kaneechewah, " and the surprised Japanese traveler smiled and offered Frodo his hand. He said "Thank You." They boarded the tender together which carried them back across the harbor, and avoided eye contact the entire time. In a few hours the two travelers would board airplanes, heading in different directions.

Frodo wonders, to this day, if those few seconds are recalled as significantly, this day, as they were that day, on different sides of the small blue planet. Somehow, Frodo feels that he is mentioned, if not described, to many people, many times, half a world away.

Perhaps the treachery of War is something that non-participants, more than half a century later, can put to rest with their fathers. We had better hope that such will be the case 65 years from now.

"Day is done, Gone the Sun, From the Hills, From the Sky, All is Well, Safely Rest, God is 'Nigh."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:37 PM EST

Updated: Friday, December 8, 2006 10:18 PM EST

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