Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Monday, June 4, 2007

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues
Mood:

d'oh
Topic: "Jambo Jumbo" (3)
Traffic in the Shire gets worse every single day. Frodo long ago learned that travel on an Interstate Highway anywhere near an urban center must take place only between the hours of ten and three on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, or Thursdays. To fall outside these parameters means that the motorcar will be parked between idling semis in the middle lane of an expressway for an inordinate time span. As bad as that kind of experience is, it does not rival what is happening in the Indian State of Orissa as you, dear reader, pore over these lines.

Motorists there are complaining about a wild elephant who has learned to block traffic on a roadway, and who refuses to move until the motorist offers the elephant an appropriate homage, namely food. So far the pachyderm has not harmed anyone, but the animal insists that the driver roll down a window and offer the vehicle up for inspection by a wandering trunk. According to one resident, "If you are carrying vegetables and banana inside your motorcar, then it will gulp them down, and then allow you to pass."

Forestry officials in India insist that the elephant is old, and is merely looking for an easy meal. "We are telling commuters regularly not to tease the elephant, because the old elephant may choose to retaliate," said Forest Ranger Sirish Mohanty. Frodo adds that if the elephant is eating large amounts of vegetables and fruit, and if the digestive system of an elephant in any way resembles that of a Hobbit, then the motorists of Orissa may have more to worry about than inconvenience.

Frodo hopes that Mr. Chertoff and his associates at the Department of Homeland Insecurity take special note of the prowess of the pachyderm as a custodian of the borders. Placing an elephant or two along our national borders would certainly slow down the penetrations of illegal immigrants. Imagine, dear reader if the TB-carrying Mr. Speaker had been confronted by our traffic-stopping friend. Without any vegetables or fruit in his rented motorcar, he would still be sitting on the Canadian side of the border.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:39 PM EDT

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Saturday, June 2, 2007

Rock And Roll is Here to Stay, It Will Never Die
Mood:

suave
Topic: "Lime Bandits" (3)

Frodo speaks at length about many of the epicurean delights in his life, in much the same manner as the locally-cherished Gourmet columnist in the NEW ORLEANS TIMES-PICAYUNE defines favorite dishes as "platonic." Frodo is also known to imbibe, and his many friends quickly recall his fondness for the mixture of lime and vodka that, when properly measured "on the rocks," is dubbed Gimlet. Never having really thought about it before, it recently became evident to him that the cognomen could actually be a character "nom de plume" from the writings of Lord Tolkien. Imagine, Sir Gimlet, leading the Men of Gondor in a counter-attack during the battle of the Pelennor Fields (actually, dear reader, Frodo is sipping a cup of coffe laced with hot milk at the moment).

Recently, Frodo stumbled upon a new commercial application to Sir Gimlet. A well-advertised franchise fast-food chain called SONIC has become omnipresent throughout the lands of Middle Earth, and Frodo, by sheer coincidence, stumbled into one when he discovered that the ordering process was completed by a young lady on roller-skates. Utilizing the old-time drive-in procedure, the order is delivered to Frodo in his motorcar by someone far too young, and far too cheery, to leave Frodo's presence without an overly generous gratuity.

Frodo learned that the traditional fare of sandwiches and congealed animal fats on the menu is supplemented by desserts and fruity drinks. Frodo noted the presence of a "Lime Slush" for $1.85 + tax. Not noted for his shyness, and pleasantly quizzical, Frodo placed his order, and was immediately impressed with the possibilities. In this particular instance Frodo returned to his hotel room, and re-filled the slushy cup to its' delivered-level with three shots of vodka.

After proper stirring, as Jackie Gleason used to say, "Wow."

Frodo has now charted SONIC locations all about the lands traversed in and near the Shire. Whenever the opportunity avails itself, Frodo will order two, and place one in the refrigerator. This edition of Sir Gimlet, held in reserve, will suffer a few big gulps when removed from the refrigerator and placed in the freezer for 10 or so minutes. Then, lovingly removed from the deep freeze, Sir Gimlet is fortified with the requisite support, and maintains Frodo's allegiance throughout the evening.

The first of the two, called immediately into combat once Frodo is clear from his motorcar, is registered with all appropriate rating agencies, and is labeled, as "platonic."

NOTE: Frodo is in no way indebted to or participant in any venture with SONIC or any of its' franchisees. He looks upon this as merely his "good deed for the day." Enjoy.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:34 PM EDT

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Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Pack Up The Babies And Grab The Old Ladies
Mood:

cheeky
Topic: "Cherem" (3)

Some months ago the righteous comedian Steven Colbert found himself across the interview table from an individual whom Frodo considers to be a buffoon. US Representative Lynn Westmoreland (R-GA) has proudly proclaimed that he has not sponsored a single piece of legislation, and that he has no intention of so doing, simply because "we already have too many laws on the books." Westmoreland has however, supported the efforts to display the "Ten Commandments" on public property. Given this as an opening, Colbert asked the Congressman how many of the Commandments he could list, since they were so obviously important to him. The rest is history; Westmoreland was unable to identify a single commandment correctly. Hypocrisy is a very strong word, since Westmoreland may indeed have simply been stricken with "stage fright." The greater likelihood is that Westmoreland talks without listening.

The topic Frodo has chosen for this evening is a word with which you are probably not familiar, dear reader. The word refers to what is known as "the doctrine of the remnant." The philosophical quandary which it raises has haunted Frodo for many years. God told the Children of Israel that when they entered into a war, that they should leave no remnant. Every opponent, including family members, should be destroyed so that the enemy could not rise again against the Chosen People.

Frodo, when first he was introduced to this concept, at the College of the Shire, was aghast. He raised his hand and queried the Professor of Religion about the apparent conflict between "the doctrine of the remnant," and that of the "Ten Commandments," which says that "Thou Shalt Not Kill," at least according to the King James version? The Professor looked down his needle-sharp nose. He told Frodo that the Commandment actually stated that "Thou Shalt Not Kill Others of Thy Own Kind."

Frodo responded, "You can't be serious, you mean to say that doing unto others and other such reference is tribal, and not universal?"

The Professor said, "Mr. Frodo, those who question are those without faith."

Some years later Frodo watched the great TV serial "Shaka Zulu." The 19th century Warrior-King of the Zulu was a ruthless follower of the annihilation of his foe, likening his enemies to wounded leopards who may rise behind and attack without warning. Frodo was struck by the parallel to the "doctrine of the remnant," and how two diverse religious groups could practice similar instruction.

Frodo's philosophical quandary is war and humanity. He still can't seem to weigh the balance, and he's not so sure anyone else has either. Orcs are ever-present as a threat to the Shire, and eliminating the threat is not subject to debate. The question becomes how far does one go, and what is allowed to remain. Something so very basic would seem to be at the very core in the definition of victory? Perhaps that is why we fight a war with no end.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:02 PM EDT

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Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Here We Are In Heaven
Mood:

incredulous
Topic: "Claymore Gregg" (3)
Hope Lange and Edwin Mulhare played the "Ghost and Mrs. Muir" on TV. Frodo had not yet been introduced to the incomparable Rex Harrison movie. So the entry into "Gull Cottage" by the newly-widowed Mrs. Muir, and the role of the impish real estate agent, Claymore Gregg, delighted Frodo no end when the owner of the "Monkey-Puzzle Tree" tried to stake claim on his possessions even after the Sea had reclaimed her Captain. Charles Nelson Reilly, portraying Claymore Gregg, who passed away this week, made Frodo laugh.

Stan Laurel, Richard Pryor, Gilda Radner, Jack Benny, Flip Wilson, Jackie Gleason, and so many others always had the capacity to send Frodo to spasms of uncontrolled hilarity. Frodo likes to laugh, and humor is greatly appreciated, but Charles Nelson Reilly offered comic relief to an honest-to-goodness love story that Frodo wishes that he had authored. The TV character would not have been appropriate for the book, but he caught the attention of the Halfling and drew him into the story.

Frodo will never forget the first time he watched the movie. He would never again see the highly-talented George Sanders in the same light; no more would he be "The Saint" in Frodo's eye. He would be the conniver who came between the time-crossed lovers to finality. It would probably be the last movie viewed in black-and-white which Frodo would appreciate for that medium. The addition of color would demean the artistry. Ansel Adams could not communicate in comparison.

"The Ghost and Mrs. Muir" is a part of Frodo, and it was the comic relief of Charles Nelson Reilly that drew him to this marvelous addition to the Shire. Thank you Sir, good job!

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:43 PM EDT

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Monday, May 28, 2007

Wonderin' What Dress to Wear Now
Mood:

lyrical
Topic: "Place of Good Abode" (3)

Beale Street was just a name for liquor stores, pawnshops, and preconceived notions when Frodo lived in Memphis. Having recently achieved Hobbithood, Frodo was susceptible to rumor and often avoided real life experiences as a result. That was all true until he read about Furry Lewis and his guitar.

PLAYBOY magazine was truly, at one time, more than just pictures. Sometimes there were answers to questions that seemingly had no source for authoritative response (Frodo has been conscious of his toes at certain times ever since). Sometimes great "urban myths" were dealt with scientifically and honestly (and what brings John Dillinger to your mind?). Sometimes there were interviews which truly changed public perception (Frodo has never again been ashamed of 'lust in his heart').

What Frodo remembers, even more than Barbi Benton, was the stories; the real as well as the fictional. It was in PLAYBOY that Frodo first met Jean Shepherd, who introduced him to Wanda Hickey and thus to Ralphie and his Red Ryder Christmas. On the real side, Frodo learned of the guitar that set, once again, in a pawnshop on Beale Street waiting, again, for Furry Lewis.

Frodo went down to Beale Street and looked in the pawnshop window to see the instrument that first carried the tune of "Stagger Lee." It was actually a very ordinary looking instrument, but it was just as important as the lyre strummed by Solomon, or the flute blown by Pan. Frodo thought about paying for the guitar, and returning it to the man who made it magical. At the time Frodo decided that was condescending, and probably something that had already happened a dozen times or more.

Beale Street today is a lot of trendy bars and shops. Frodo imagines that you could probably even find a pretty good guitar to buy if you looked hard enough. Problem is, the songs would sound tame, untried, innocent. Very different from Furry Lewis, or Frodo.

". . .Billy, poor lad, he threw eight. . ."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:41 PM EDT

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Sunday, May 27, 2007

Over Hill And Dusty Trail
Mood:

lazy
Topic: "Low Water, Slow Flow"(3)

Frodo and Sam are spending the Memorial Day weekend at Lake Lovey. Frodo has just completed his third "beach book," has hiked around the lake with Fiona and Mick, the Wonder Dog, each day, and frustrated himself in the attempt to catch a few wily largemouth bass. Sam is re-re-decorating. The weather has been beautiful, until this morning, when the smoky haze from the fires in South Georgia settled upon the mountains of East Tennessee. Seeking to escape anything and everything from the known world, a special march into the forbidden forest therefore beckoned those willing to brave the height of "tick season."

Wildflowers blossom in different locations at different times, hence their great meaning to Frodo. Ladies Tresses and Indian Pink abound in patches of sunlight in the deep deciduous forest these days, and Frodo tarryed to fully admire the color and the structure of these artistic creations. Fiona and Mick, the Wonder Dog, are Frodo's willing assistants who find undefined poop alongside the trail much more enticing than wildflowers. Their lack of attentiveness prevented them from observing a very large black snake or the water snake that skimmed the surface of Fiona's favorite creek. Frodo supposes that his able assistants probably think he was foolish for passing on the aromatic excellence which captured their attention.

Lake Lovey is down almost three feet from normal levels, and there is no overflow into the creek beds in the forest. The forest will change because it is dry, as it changes when the rains come unseasonably strong. Those who monitor the lake level screwed up and let too much escape during the Winter, assuming that rainfallwould be near normal this Spring. Lake Lovey's "bass beds" sit high and dry, meaning that there will be fewer of Frodo's prizes in months to come.

Living with the changes inherent in Mother Nature's world is something that Frodo has learned to accept, but it sure irritates him when he notes the hand of ignorance in the air, the water, and the forest. Did he mention that developers are planning "mini-horse farms" where wildflowers now grow?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:10 PM EDT

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Tuesday, May 22, 2007

We Are Siamese If You Please
Mood:

not sure
Topic: "Isn't Amnesty Good?"(3)
A very old Hobbit once told Frodo that he solved his worst problems by merely turning his rear-view mirror downward so that he would never see the problem again. Frodo notes merit in this approach, simply because some problems become so consuming, and opinions set so deeply, that reasoned discussion becomes little more than a shouting match. Frodo hesitates to wade into an issue that is so volatile that he finds himself straddling both sides, because he agrees with both of them. The result being that everyone thinks Frodo has a screw loose. Recognizing that as a possibility, Frodo therefore steps off into deep water.

Illegal immigration is Mexico's problem.

Frodo asks, dear reader, how one country can afford to lose millions of hard-working people and not suffer the consequences? How does a government retain power when it is unable to provide sustainable opportunity for its' citizens? How wide will the breach between very rich and very poor have to become before a re-distribution is thrust upon society? What kind of religious institution is it that fosters procreation knowing that starvation is the inevitable result? All of these are the problems of Mexico, and they are not being handled. The problems, if that's what you want to call human beings, simply disappear across the Rio Grande, and those left behind somehow seem to get along day-to-day.

There is nuance to the problem. Children borne in the US of A are, by stautory law, American citizens, and that is something which should not be changed, simply to deal with the problems Mexico is trying to toss into the American breadbasket. How then does the US of A deal with those who are illegal, who are the providers for American citizens?

There is complexity in the solution. It is unthinkable to separate families, as has happened in Africa (see Frodo's posting "Nkosi"). It is simplistic to suggest the deportation of millions of human beings without fomenting the collapse of civil behavior. It is a repeat of the Iraqi disaster for this nation, the "Citadel of Freedom," to even suggest imposing its' own values upon another sovereign state.

From the very beginning, Frodo suggests that this is Mexico's problem, and that, not unlike the "new Iraqi government," there must be consequences for inaction.

Were we to now depart from rational thought, Frodo could suggest that the United States effectively deal with the problems of border security and Mexican inaction by simply releasing 1 current resident of the Guantanamo facility into the province of Quintana Roo for every 100 Mexican citizens captured without proper documentation in the United States.

Frodo will however, leave the ridiculous to those making the decisions in Washington. They are making a big enough mistake by trying, once again, to solve somebody else's problems for them.

What happened to politicians who argued that we were not the world's policemen?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:42 PM EDT

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Monday, May 21, 2007

I've Got Dreams to Remember
Mood:

crushed out
Topic: "The Silver Sow Award"(3)
Recently the very last "oldies" radio station in Greater Atlanta converted to Hispanic broadcasting. Frodo is quite upset, and it has absolutely nothing to do with Immigration Bills, illegal aliens, or Lou Dobbs. Frodo is upset because Venus Flytrap, Dr. Johnny Fever, Kasey Kasem, Dick Clark, Joey Reynolds, John R, Gary McKee, and the others are no more. There are not enough listeners to combat the talk radios, and the revitalized "Hambone" of the would-be gangsters who have stolen summer nights and the back seats of Chevy convertibles.

When Frodo was a halfling, he received a crystal radio set which he rigged up under his bed, so that he could crawl under the covers and listen to "Folk Music" being broadcast by WLS in Chicago. The name of Pete Seeger and flowers gone to graveyards every one became a part of what Frodo was to become.

A transistor radio followed and Frodo learned to move and do like this with Elvis and the incomparable Buddy Holly. Frodo could shuffle his feet and dance with anyone who passed him on the street, and how all kinds of people laughed, and danced with Frodo.

Frodo and the Fellowship would cram into motor cars, old and new, and sing love songs to girls who never knew that they existed. The Fleetwoods would call him Mr. Blue, but the Beach Boys gave him hope of beaches and waves. They would drive downtown, and look for some place that never closed.

Frodo had many long-range nights alone in his motor car, when only the magic of Nashville or New Orleans would guide him through the darkened landscape of Mississippi or Tennessee. WKBW, WLAC, WSB, WOWO, were sowewhere on the dial as he slipped from one 50,000 WATT'er to another while dreaming of one who waited on the other end of that voyage.

The demise of "WKRP in Cincinnati" on TV signaled the beginning of the end. Soon the morning shows on radio converted to easy listening, or country, or blather. Saturday nights were the last remaining outpost for the "Top 40" from the Summer of 1967, but now even they have fallen prey to the download to something vaguely resembling a tape recorder.

Johnny Fever said it best of all; "Booger."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:00 PM EDT

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Sunday, May 20, 2007

There's An Old Man Sitting Next To Me Making Love To His Tonic And Gin
Mood:

bright
Topic: "Knew You Not Pompey?"(3)

A couple of thousand years ago, a bunch of guys, some political, and some merely transient on life's stage, decided that the Man who would be King had to be stopped. So they concocted to slay him. They were convinced that the society was threatened by a constant state of war, and that their mighty armies were too thinly spread to meet the growing threat from the frontiers of civilization. Always they talked of their admiration for Pompey, the great General who had brought true conquest and glory to Rome.

General Petraeus was not known to Frodo last year at this time. Within the past year, he has become the point of reference for the revised "strategy" which emerged subsequent to the Iraq War Study Group. Although a chagrined and chastened George W. Bush, flushed with electoral defeat, paid lip service to the bi-partisan recommendations, he has remained stubbornly steadfast with William Kristol, Richard Perle, and the remainder of the Academic Conspirators who refuse to admit their intellectual failure. Petraeus, with the prominence of Pompey, has been thrust by the conspirators into the role of Brutus, the honorable one who will strike the fatal blow.

Cassius, Casca, Trebonius and Cinna are still present, and they delight in the appointment of a "Czar," who will coordinate "strategy" for Caesar. In public they speak of "victory," while in private they blame Caesar for failing to implement the wisdom of the Senate. Knowing that Caesar will turn to the "Czar" when all is lost, and seek to place the fault therein, they have sharpened their ambitious knives in preparation for the inevitable. Afterwards, they will gather to bury Caesar, not to praise him. They will point to Petraeus as the progenitor of Caesar's demise, and they will rally quickly to support Marc Antony. Petraeus will retreat and soon, will be heard from no more.

The report is to come in September. Frodo, dear reader, looks to the Ides of March, with concern, and a truly heavy heart.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:49 PM EDT

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Thursday, May 17, 2007

Beginnin' To Think That I'm Wastin' Time
Mood:

surprised
Topic: "Bad Time for Bonzo" (3)

It was the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Pierce, who made it all the way through the Reagan Administrations; every other Cabinet Member fell by the wayside for one reason, or another. Frodo has been considering the survivors through one-and-a-half terms of George W. Bush, and (soliciting help here dear reader) all he can come up with is Elaine Chao, Secretary of Labor (and, coincidentally, the spouse of the Senate Minority Leader). Every other Cabinet player in the interminably long Administrations of George W. Bush with his finger on the nuclear button has turned over for one reason, or another. This comes to mind for Frodo, of course, because of the apparent positional execution about to take place in the new (and improved) Justice Department.

The Attorney General of the United States, who just happens to be Hispanic, has been potential toast since at least Cinco de Mayo. With the announced resignation of Paul Wolfowitz from his joke-filled tenure at the World Bank, the bookies in Las Vegas have been paying off on the 3-5 odds they were laying that "Bonzo Gonzo" would walk the plank first. With no apparent haste to eliminate any other member of the Cabinet, the movie "Dead Man Walking" seems to have been produced to document the closing days of "Bonzogate." Noted at this point is the fact that absent Brother Gates and Sister Rice (and, of course, Mrs. Mitchell), Frodo is unable to even identify any other Cabinet-level performer presently suited for action. The lone exception would be that clown Nichoilson at the VA, or whatever they renamed it while re-arranging the deck chairs.

Frodo has long resented the "reverse discrimination" of legacy appointments to America's largest universities. Despite all the racially-charged epithets about black people and "affirmative action," there never seems to be any complaints from the closet racists who think it is their cash-endowed obligation to see the George W. Bushes of the world take up classroom space that should've gone to some poor kid from Clarksdale, Mississippi. For that reason, Frodo is sorry that the one Hispanic in the Bush Cabinet has turned out to be even more incompetent in the performance of his duties than even the norm established for this the most incompetent of incompetents assembled for staff meetings and briefings at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. It was probably a set-up.

Even Barney doesn't stand too close to Gonzales. He's afraid that Cheney might be polishing his shotgun.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:15 PM EDT

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