Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Tonight I Celebrate My Love For You
Mood:

hug me

The litter of puppies had been reduced to two; one of whom was predominantly some black on white, and the other predominantly some white on black. Frodo was undecided about his choices until he felt something perched on his foot. He knew that he had been selected, and that the selector was rather determined not to be left in that garage, all alone with his mother. Naming an Australian Shepherd/Border Collie mix would not be difficult since Frodo was unacquainted with anyone from that continent, except for the character Paul Hogan played in "Crocodile Dundee." A single syllable is most appropriate for a working dog, thus the predominantly black wonder dog became "Mick." He became the Wonder Dog when "Baby" came along.

Ten years later, Mick, the Wonder Dog, is all male canine. He is gentle and shy, except when another dog invades his space, then he becomes extremely possessive of anything and everything. He learned a great deal in the "dog school" conducted by his surrogate mother "Lovey," and he is extremely accomplished in service to the Hobbit as his teacher required of her successor. His best friend in the whole world is his adopted sister "Fiona," and they share everything from supper dishes to the rear seat in Frodo's motorcar. When the much smaller Fiona calls for his assistance, he drops everything to ensure her safety, that is, except for the Baby.

Baby was originally a furry, light-colored, squeaky toy. After several years of service as a substitute teat, the Baby became matted, dirty, and generally disgusting. None of those factors impacted on the affection shared when Mick, the Wonder Dog, required some quiet time. Eventually a tear developed, and much of the Baby's stuffing disappeared. Frodo conducted replacement surgery with a similarly constructed artificial, and the implant held perfectly. Now however, Baby is a floppy concoction that could have been used as some sort of alien life form in the early episodes of "Star Trek."

Frodo and Mick, the Wonder Dog, share many words in common. "Squirrel," "ball," "pee," "Vitaman" (a tasty treat mispronounced in honor of Lucille Ball), and as one might expect, "Baby." Mick, the Wonder Dog, frantically recalls where last he left his Baby whenever Frodo calls for a game of "Boob-Boom," so that he can mouth the Baby while his Hobbit scratches his back vigorously. The Baby shares moments of physical pleasure as well as the silent solace of dog and the now-silent squeaky toy.

Frodo watches his friend with both curiosity and amusement. Maybe Baby is a cigarette, or a glass of beer. Maybe Baby is the feeling of being up against his real mother when she cleaned him while he fed from her breast. Maybe Baby is just something that is his alone. Frodo imagines that many of the same thoughts have been in the air since that wonderful night, epochs ago when first the canine came close to the fire. It was a wonder then, and it is a wonder now.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:19 PM EDT

Updated: Wednesday, June 13, 2007 9:23 PM EDT

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Saturday, June 9, 2007

I Think of Childhood Friends And The Dreams We Had
Mood:

special
Topic: "Watch Mr. Wizard" (3)

Christmas morning for Frodo and Sam concluded with the opening of the presents. Outside, they noticed the grandparents, the parents, and the twin newly-turned-three-year olds, Korey and Kody, in their brand new electric motorcars. The tiny Hobbits were doing their absolute best to evade their elders and proceed at their own break-neck speed into the Shire. From that moment, they won Frodo's heart.

In the years that followed, Frodo noted that the halflings would magically appear whenever he had tasks to perform in his garage. Seeking to "help," especially when it involved hammering and nails, Frodo learned to keep a list of small projects which would involve such participation. It brought to his mind the early years of television when Don Herbert starred in "Watch Mr. Wizard," as the kindly gentleman next door who always seemed to have time to explain the wonders of electricity or magnets to curious midget onlookers. Frodo knew that, in their minds, he was typecast.

One day, stressing their independence, the vagabonds evaded Frodo, Fiona, and Mick, the Wonder Dog, and announced their intention to construct a tree house in the woods behind their home. Frodo listened for many minutes while the struggles were met with but limited success. When finally the junior engineers sought his assistance, Frodo made time to help direct, and construct, a stable platform from which little Hobbits could observe the Shire, from new heights.

Marriages sometimes suffer when fathers work long and episodic hours, and young mothers grow stressed and bored. Eventually the boys' father was displaced by another, who soon found more suitable surrounding for the halflings. Frodo was pained much more than he could ever admit. Not unlike a dragon, he knew that his friends would come no more, and he could only slip into his cave, in this case a garage, and wipe up green scales.

Many times Frodo and Sam have wondered about the boys, reccognizing the "at risk" nature of the circumstances into which they had fallen. Many times Frodo has listened for the sounds of hammering and doodling in the woods behind the Shire, without success.

On Saturday evening, while Frodo was watching the gallant Braves come back against the interlopers from Chicago, there came a tapping, tapping on the front door. Fiona, and Mick, the Wonder Dog, awoke from their slumbers and nearly killed themselves racing Frodo to answer. On the front porch, amidst wagging tails and licks of rememberance, stood Korey and Kody. Now 17 years old, they both weigh 120 pounds, and are rising high-school seniors. They wrestle, and both have GPA's of 3.4 or better. Korey is aiming for college, and Kody has decided to become a police officer.

Frodo walked with his young friends back to the garage, where they talked about projects undone, and memories precious to all. They looked at the proud, old pine tree and the scrap pieces of lumber still hammered into its' branches. They each hugged Mr. Frodo, and promised to come back soon. Frodo made a promise to come and see them compete in wrestling, just as he had done when they first played what is called "T-ball."

When they had driven away, Frodo gathered his canine contingent together for their final nightly assignation in the gardens of the Shire, and stood silently at the base of that old, pine tree. The silence of a late spring evening was broken only by the unmistakable smile of the Hobbit.

Thank you.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:12 PM EDT

Updated: Sunday, June 10, 2007 11:23 AM EDT

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Any Day Now, Love Will Let Me Down
Mood:

accident prone

Trying Again. Frodo is having (shudder) computer problems. He is attempting, once again, to comment on the demise of the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Peter Pace.

Amid the "Breaking News" caption the head of Defense Secretary Robert Gates appeared. He announced the terminus of the shortest reign in history for a Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, and then came the switch to LA. Peter Pace couldn't catch a break on any of the Networks, the cables, Faux News, or even the Spanish-language stations, for suddenly all the news was about a nymphomaniac with addiction problems, named after some town in Europe, who was handcuffed and crying for her Mom as she was being returned to the pokey. Barcelona, or whatever her name is, had become more important than the end of a distinguished career for a dedicated soldier who will forever be haunted by the ghosts of Iraq.

The Incomparable Moron happened to be in Germany, hugging a toilet bowl, or so it was reported, too ill to appear publicly where he might be asked something that would reflect on his responsibility. Frodo believes he was actually engaging in a game of "Pontius Pilate," with his buddy, Vladimir.

Frodo was meeting with the Men of Gondor, and one happened to comment that he believed that "Scooter" Liddy should receive a Presidential Pardon. Frodo was unable to let this one pass. After amending the name of the miscreant for the attestor, Frodo pointed out that the "substantive" legal offense of Mr. William, Jefferson Clinton had absolutely nothing to do with the "Whitewater" investigation of Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr. Clinton had lied to a Federal Grand Jury about having his donkey drained by a groupie. Libby had lied to Federal Investigators, and was so convicted by a jury of his peers. Libby's lies obstructed justice against anyone willfully disclosing the identity of a clandestine operative of the United States. Frodo hoped that Libby would get to share a cell with Ted Kacynski.

The attestor simply glared at Frodo. An empirical discussion of the facts is anathema to zealots, no matter their persuasion.

Just then it was announced that Moscow (give Frodo a break here, he has no intention of paying undue homage to anyone with more than 10 pairs of shoes) was being returned to the LA City Jail, and that she would be serving her complete sentence. Frodo wondered if the attestor wanted her to get a Presidential Pardon, too.

Another Friday was coming to an end. Fridays you know, dear reader, are the days when unfavorable news and announcements are released by the political realm. In the business arena, Fridays are the days when "good, old Joe" gets a "pink slip." Nobody is around for a couple of days and the fervor cools down.

Peter Pace, a good guy, got canned on a Friday. The Incomparable Moron, once again like "de Tar Baby," he say nuttin'.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 1:06 PM EDT

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Thursday, June 7, 2007

Don't Come Around Here No More
Mood:

down
Topic: "Burn Baby, Burn" (3)
One of Frodo's favorite movies was the Dustin Hoffman film, "Little Big Man." In that movie, Chief Dan George introduced the Cheyenne saying "Today is a good day to die," to American audiences. Frodo was reminded of that phrase today when he took note of the passing of an individual who leaves Middle Earth a better place because he is no longer present on its' surface. Today was, indeed, a good day, as would any day have been, for former Sheriff Jim Clark to die.

In March of 1965 Dallas County Sheriff Clark and his deputies savagely attacked marchers on the Edmund Pettus Bridge, just outside Montgomery, Alabama. One of Frodo's true heroes, Congressman John Lewis (D-GA) was among those ravaged by the hatemongers, and Congressman Lewis barely survived the beating he received. The Non-Violent protestors won the attention and the sympathy of rational human beings around the world. Sheriff Clark later claimed that the marchers weren't beaten that "Bloody Sunday," "They fell down all at once in one big swoop," he said.

Jim Clark, 84, wore a "Never" button on his sheriff's uniform to show his opposition to black voter registration. He was voted out of office in 1966. After he lost his re-election bid, he sold mobile homes until 1978 when he went to federal prison for conspiring to import marijuana. He served nine months.

Please note, dear reader, that Frodo never used the title "Mister" in reference to Jim Clark. In those days, and in many places like it, calling a black man "Mister" would get a Hobbit's butt kicked.

Turnabout is fair play. It will be a good day not to die tomorrow, knowing that one more piece of crap burns in Hell.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:30 PM EDT

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Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Okay Let's Give It To Them, Right Now
Mood:

incredulous
Topic: "Putin Tang" (3)
Conservatives like to mark the end of the Cold War with the words of Ronald Reagan, "Mr. Gorbachev, Tear Down That Wall." Frodo has always believed that crazy, old Lyndon Johnson had just as much to do with the collapse of the Soviet Union, as did Reagan, simply because the Soviets never knew what a Texan was going to do, so they prepared for the worst. It is only fitting however, that Conservatives begin to take note that another Texan, this time one of theirs, is out there starting another Cold War, and the Russians are getting ready to kick his derriere.

Back in 2000, when there really was a President, Putin remarked that the Russians would consider establishing and maintaining a missile defense system for Europe. Analytically, this would give the Russians an active role in world affairs, and would be a morale boost for the Russian people, while concomitantly shouldering some of the defense cost burden. George W. Armstrong Custer however, and his merry band of historical illiterates ignored everything that was said before they came into office, and subsequently announced their own plans for a missile defense system for Europe. This system, to defend against Iran and North Korea, would be built within the confines of the Eastern European countries which were once dominated by the old Soviet Union.

The Russians think this is a crock. They have basically shot Condi Rice "the bird," and they have rattled a few sabers at the man who shot a hole into the "soul" of Putin. The Russians maintain that neither the Iranians nor the North Koreans have anywhere near the missile capacity on even a single rocket to reach into Europe, much less America. They see the American plans as a slap in the face at the very least, and continuing evidence of the untrustworthiness of a Texan waving missiles and bibles at the Kremlin. In fact, many of their "conservatives" may argue, it is evidence of US plans to extend its' empire over the Russian people.

So what happens? This lame-brained ignoramus gives a speech where he says "I call him Vladimir," and he outlines his plans to take Putin up to Maine, fill him full of Jim Beam, and talk about how much better American chainsaws are "for clearing brush."

The oil-rich Russians sense a very great opportunity to extend their influence in those areas of the world where the United States is viewed as a nation full of complete morons. As America spends more and more of its resources for "defense," and the requisite natural resources to support it, just like the Soviet Union did, the Russians know that they can compete for business and influence.

Who would have ever believed that in virtually a term-and-a-half, one incompetent boob and his associates could re-ignite the Cold War? Actually, Frodo never doubted that George W. Bush was fully capable. This is America, and anything can happen. Even a moron can become President.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:24 PM EDT

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Monday, June 4, 2007

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues
Mood:

d'oh
Topic: "Jambo Jumbo" (3)
Traffic in the Shire gets worse every single day. Frodo long ago learned that travel on an Interstate Highway anywhere near an urban center must take place only between the hours of ten and three on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, or Thursdays. To fall outside these parameters means that the motorcar will be parked between idling semis in the middle lane of an expressway for an inordinate time span. As bad as that kind of experience is, it does not rival what is happening in the Indian State of Orissa as you, dear reader, pore over these lines.

Motorists there are complaining about a wild elephant who has learned to block traffic on a roadway, and who refuses to move until the motorist offers the elephant an appropriate homage, namely food. So far the pachyderm has not harmed anyone, but the animal insists that the driver roll down a window and offer the vehicle up for inspection by a wandering trunk. According to one resident, "If you are carrying vegetables and banana inside your motorcar, then it will gulp them down, and then allow you to pass."

Forestry officials in India insist that the elephant is old, and is merely looking for an easy meal. "We are telling commuters regularly not to tease the elephant, because the old elephant may choose to retaliate," said Forest Ranger Sirish Mohanty. Frodo adds that if the elephant is eating large amounts of vegetables and fruit, and if the digestive system of an elephant in any way resembles that of a Hobbit, then the motorists of Orissa may have more to worry about than inconvenience.

Frodo hopes that Mr. Chertoff and his associates at the Department of Homeland Insecurity take special note of the prowess of the pachyderm as a custodian of the borders. Placing an elephant or two along our national borders would certainly slow down the penetrations of illegal immigrants. Imagine, dear reader if the TB-carrying Mr. Speaker had been confronted by our traffic-stopping friend. Without any vegetables or fruit in his rented motorcar, he would still be sitting on the Canadian side of the border.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:39 PM EDT

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Saturday, June 2, 2007

Rock And Roll is Here to Stay, It Will Never Die
Mood:

suave
Topic: "Lime Bandits" (3)

Frodo speaks at length about many of the epicurean delights in his life, in much the same manner as the locally-cherished Gourmet columnist in the NEW ORLEANS TIMES-PICAYUNE defines favorite dishes as "platonic." Frodo is also known to imbibe, and his many friends quickly recall his fondness for the mixture of lime and vodka that, when properly measured "on the rocks," is dubbed Gimlet. Never having really thought about it before, it recently became evident to him that the cognomen could actually be a character "nom de plume" from the writings of Lord Tolkien. Imagine, Sir Gimlet, leading the Men of Gondor in a counter-attack during the battle of the Pelennor Fields (actually, dear reader, Frodo is sipping a cup of coffe laced with hot milk at the moment).

Recently, Frodo stumbled upon a new commercial application to Sir Gimlet. A well-advertised franchise fast-food chain called SONIC has become omnipresent throughout the lands of Middle Earth, and Frodo, by sheer coincidence, stumbled into one when he discovered that the ordering process was completed by a young lady on roller-skates. Utilizing the old-time drive-in procedure, the order is delivered to Frodo in his motorcar by someone far too young, and far too cheery, to leave Frodo's presence without an overly generous gratuity.

Frodo learned that the traditional fare of sandwiches and congealed animal fats on the menu is supplemented by desserts and fruity drinks. Frodo noted the presence of a "Lime Slush" for $1.85 + tax. Not noted for his shyness, and pleasantly quizzical, Frodo placed his order, and was immediately impressed with the possibilities. In this particular instance Frodo returned to his hotel room, and re-filled the slushy cup to its' delivered-level with three shots of vodka.

After proper stirring, as Jackie Gleason used to say, "Wow."

Frodo has now charted SONIC locations all about the lands traversed in and near the Shire. Whenever the opportunity avails itself, Frodo will order two, and place one in the refrigerator. This edition of Sir Gimlet, held in reserve, will suffer a few big gulps when removed from the refrigerator and placed in the freezer for 10 or so minutes. Then, lovingly removed from the deep freeze, Sir Gimlet is fortified with the requisite support, and maintains Frodo's allegiance throughout the evening.

The first of the two, called immediately into combat once Frodo is clear from his motorcar, is registered with all appropriate rating agencies, and is labeled, as "platonic."

NOTE: Frodo is in no way indebted to or participant in any venture with SONIC or any of its' franchisees. He looks upon this as merely his "good deed for the day." Enjoy.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:34 PM EDT

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Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Pack Up The Babies And Grab The Old Ladies
Mood:

cheeky
Topic: "Cherem" (3)

Some months ago the righteous comedian Steven Colbert found himself across the interview table from an individual whom Frodo considers to be a buffoon. US Representative Lynn Westmoreland (R-GA) has proudly proclaimed that he has not sponsored a single piece of legislation, and that he has no intention of so doing, simply because "we already have too many laws on the books." Westmoreland has however, supported the efforts to display the "Ten Commandments" on public property. Given this as an opening, Colbert asked the Congressman how many of the Commandments he could list, since they were so obviously important to him. The rest is history; Westmoreland was unable to identify a single commandment correctly. Hypocrisy is a very strong word, since Westmoreland may indeed have simply been stricken with "stage fright." The greater likelihood is that Westmoreland talks without listening.

The topic Frodo has chosen for this evening is a word with which you are probably not familiar, dear reader. The word refers to what is known as "the doctrine of the remnant." The philosophical quandary which it raises has haunted Frodo for many years. God told the Children of Israel that when they entered into a war, that they should leave no remnant. Every opponent, including family members, should be destroyed so that the enemy could not rise again against the Chosen People.

Frodo, when first he was introduced to this concept, at the College of the Shire, was aghast. He raised his hand and queried the Professor of Religion about the apparent conflict between "the doctrine of the remnant," and that of the "Ten Commandments," which says that "Thou Shalt Not Kill," at least according to the King James version? The Professor looked down his needle-sharp nose. He told Frodo that the Commandment actually stated that "Thou Shalt Not Kill Others of Thy Own Kind."

Frodo responded, "You can't be serious, you mean to say that doing unto others and other such reference is tribal, and not universal?"

The Professor said, "Mr. Frodo, those who question are those without faith."

Some years later Frodo watched the great TV serial "Shaka Zulu." The 19th century Warrior-King of the Zulu was a ruthless follower of the annihilation of his foe, likening his enemies to wounded leopards who may rise behind and attack without warning. Frodo was struck by the parallel to the "doctrine of the remnant," and how two diverse religious groups could practice similar instruction.

Frodo's philosophical quandary is war and humanity. He still can't seem to weigh the balance, and he's not so sure anyone else has either. Orcs are ever-present as a threat to the Shire, and eliminating the threat is not subject to debate. The question becomes how far does one go, and what is allowed to remain. Something so very basic would seem to be at the very core in the definition of victory? Perhaps that is why we fight a war with no end.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:02 PM EDT

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Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Here We Are In Heaven
Mood:

incredulous
Topic: "Claymore Gregg" (3)
Hope Lange and Edwin Mulhare played the "Ghost and Mrs. Muir" on TV. Frodo had not yet been introduced to the incomparable Rex Harrison movie. So the entry into "Gull Cottage" by the newly-widowed Mrs. Muir, and the role of the impish real estate agent, Claymore Gregg, delighted Frodo no end when the owner of the "Monkey-Puzzle Tree" tried to stake claim on his possessions even after the Sea had reclaimed her Captain. Charles Nelson Reilly, portraying Claymore Gregg, who passed away this week, made Frodo laugh.

Stan Laurel, Richard Pryor, Gilda Radner, Jack Benny, Flip Wilson, Jackie Gleason, and so many others always had the capacity to send Frodo to spasms of uncontrolled hilarity. Frodo likes to laugh, and humor is greatly appreciated, but Charles Nelson Reilly offered comic relief to an honest-to-goodness love story that Frodo wishes that he had authored. The TV character would not have been appropriate for the book, but he caught the attention of the Halfling and drew him into the story.

Frodo will never forget the first time he watched the movie. He would never again see the highly-talented George Sanders in the same light; no more would he be "The Saint" in Frodo's eye. He would be the conniver who came between the time-crossed lovers to finality. It would probably be the last movie viewed in black-and-white which Frodo would appreciate for that medium. The addition of color would demean the artistry. Ansel Adams could not communicate in comparison.

"The Ghost and Mrs. Muir" is a part of Frodo, and it was the comic relief of Charles Nelson Reilly that drew him to this marvelous addition to the Shire. Thank you Sir, good job!

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:43 PM EDT

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Monday, May 28, 2007

Wonderin' What Dress to Wear Now
Mood:

lyrical
Topic: "Place of Good Abode" (3)

Beale Street was just a name for liquor stores, pawnshops, and preconceived notions when Frodo lived in Memphis. Having recently achieved Hobbithood, Frodo was susceptible to rumor and often avoided real life experiences as a result. That was all true until he read about Furry Lewis and his guitar.

PLAYBOY magazine was truly, at one time, more than just pictures. Sometimes there were answers to questions that seemingly had no source for authoritative response (Frodo has been conscious of his toes at certain times ever since). Sometimes great "urban myths" were dealt with scientifically and honestly (and what brings John Dillinger to your mind?). Sometimes there were interviews which truly changed public perception (Frodo has never again been ashamed of 'lust in his heart').

What Frodo remembers, even more than Barbi Benton, was the stories; the real as well as the fictional. It was in PLAYBOY that Frodo first met Jean Shepherd, who introduced him to Wanda Hickey and thus to Ralphie and his Red Ryder Christmas. On the real side, Frodo learned of the guitar that set, once again, in a pawnshop on Beale Street waiting, again, for Furry Lewis.

Frodo went down to Beale Street and looked in the pawnshop window to see the instrument that first carried the tune of "Stagger Lee." It was actually a very ordinary looking instrument, but it was just as important as the lyre strummed by Solomon, or the flute blown by Pan. Frodo thought about paying for the guitar, and returning it to the man who made it magical. At the time Frodo decided that was condescending, and probably something that had already happened a dozen times or more.

Beale Street today is a lot of trendy bars and shops. Frodo imagines that you could probably even find a pretty good guitar to buy if you looked hard enough. Problem is, the songs would sound tame, untried, innocent. Very different from Furry Lewis, or Frodo.

". . .Billy, poor lad, he threw eight. . ."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:41 PM EDT

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