Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Nowhere Man, The World is at Your Command
Mood:

lazy
Topic: "Vacation Brouhaha" (3)

Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert, respective stars of "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report," will both be returning from two weeks of re-runs next Monday, and are they going to be miffed. Not only did the White House arrange for Alberto to resign while they were on vacation, but Senator Larry Craig, the publication of "Dead Certain," and a half-dozen Iraq progress reports (Frodo asks forgiveness for using the words "Iraq" and "progress" in the same sentence) reached the public eye. Frodo, often tempted by conspiracy theories, senses that this particular spate of bizarre events were accumulated for release while the premier satirists of political America were out-of-town. The good news is that Frodo has full faith and confidence in their ability to make up for lost time.

While thinking about clowns, Frodo was reminded that Fred Thompson will announce his candidacy for the GOP nomination before Stewart and Colbert return to the air waves on Monday next. The single best piece of news, outside of a rare victory by Frodo's "gallant Braves" this afternoon, is the fact that Jack will take over for Fred as District Attorney on "Law and Order." Sam Waterston is an accomplished actor, who made Frodo believe that he fell into a pile of skeletal material in Cambodia. He also left Frodo with an ache in his heart when Jill died in an automobile accident, and Lenny Briscoe joined him in the bar. Some actors have that gift.

Fred Thompson lobbied for abortion rights. Didn't know that, did you, dear reader? Before he won the Senate seat of James Sasser (D-TN), Thompson got paid a lot of money to exert influence on politicians for a number of issues which will appear problematical when brought forth during a political campaign. Frodo knows this because he listened to the slimy weasel Dick Morris, who worked on Thompson's first Senate run, disclose these facts to Bill O'Reilly on Faux News (Frodo listens to some of this crap and passes the information on to the Stewart and Colbert). Should Thompson eliminate the rest of the lightweights contending for the GOP nod, his "trophy wife" will have to hire a Nicaraguan Death Squad to eliminate all the groupies who sullied their blue dresses in pursuit of her hubby. The Christian Ecumenical Community is about to experience a spiritual hernia, and Frodo is sure that many will soon be asking themselves "WWJD?"

What would Jerry do? (And there's another topic for conspiracy theorists, who whacked Falwell?).

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:00 PM EDT

Updated: Wednesday, September 5, 2007 9:38 PM EDT

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Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Love Is All Around
Mood:

crushed out
Topic: "GOP Convention" (3)

Minneapolis is as close to sterile as urban life in America can ever hope to become. It is hard to imagine that there is any minority group larger than that of those born in Canada. Diversity is something that comes into the discussion when one considers visiting the "twin city" of St. Paul. So why should anyone be surprised that the world's greatest collection of overweight, predominantly male, lily-white, mostly retired, sexual deviants choose Minneapolis for the site of the Republican National Convention?

Frodo has been listening to the speculation regarding Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho) (who just happens to be overweight, male, white, almost retired, and of questionable sexual appetite) with some modicum of attention. Wouldn't it be "amusing" for Senator Craig to attend the Convention, flying in we suspect from Boise, and to be caught on camera passing through the airport in Minneapolis, and find it necessary to use the Men's room?

Minneapolis was also the scene of the tragic bridge collapse which ended the lives of 13 people just a few short days ago. Perhaps our suddenly fiscally-concerned President will comment on the state of domestic spending for the relatives of those who died on a public thoroughfare? Frodo is not sure that such a speech will "fill the coffers" of those responsible for funding the gala affairs of Republicans in Minnesota.

Frodo now understands why Republicans look back at Ronald Reagan with such reverence. When he screwed up, it wasn't on purpose.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:20 PM EDT

Updated: Tuesday, September 4, 2007 10:54 PM EDT

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Saturday, September 1, 2007

And The Little Congregation Prayed For Guidance From Above
Mood:

incredulous
Topic: "Reverend LeRoy" (3)

Occasionally, Frodo will see something in a newspaper which immediately makes him think of you, dear reader. All it seemingly takes is one sentence for him to recognize, as if he were Lou Costello, that he has been handed a straight line by Bud Abbott, and that a comic wisecrack immediately follows. As you glance over the details of the news event that follows, see if you, dear reader, can't come up with the pregnant line.

Thomas W. Weeks of Atlanta, 40, Pastor of the Global Destiny Church in Duluth, Georgia, was arrested last week and subsequently indicted for assault and battery on his estranged wife, Juanita Bynum, a national evangelist. It should be noted that Duluth is in Gwinnett County, home of both the "Runaway Bride" and "the Bank Robbery Bimbos." Weeks, it seems, had recently been served with court papers indicating that his church was $50,355 in arrears on back rent. At the same time, Weeks owed more than $48,000 to an advertising firm for failing to maintain payments on a billboard purchased to advertise his ministry. This past June, Weeks was evicted from his multi-million dollar home, and his Bentley motorcar has not been seen in the area for several weeks.

The ATLANTA JOURNAL-CONSTITUTION reports "money problems may have been what sparked the alleged attack." Well, duh; no Pulitizer for journalistic insight this year fellas!

In any event, after meeting with Bynum to discuss the "personal business," Weeks allegedly, in the parking lot in front of a downtown hotel, "beat, choked, and stomped Bynum into the ground" and threatened to kill her.

Although he pleaded not guilty to the charges, this past Sunday, Weeks stood before his congregation and issued a public apology for his conduct. Now dear reader, here comes your big chance. What do you think he said? (Scroll down after a short pause)

Correctamundo. "The Devil Made Me Do It."

Oh Flip, how Frodo misses you and "Killer."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:35 AM EDT

Updated: Saturday, September 1, 2007 12:05 PM EDT

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Thursday, August 30, 2007

I Been Waiting For This All My Life
Mood:

d'oh
Topic: "Adjustable 2nd Card"(3)

Frodo once knew a man who purchased a home in the suburbs, and encumbered himself with a 30-year fixed-rate mortgage on $18,000. The same man never possessed a credit card; paying cash or writing a check for every single transaction in his life. Frodo has several credit cards, although he pays the entire balance due each and every month. Frodo has also financed and re-financed his home in the Shire in order to take advantage of dropping interest rates. It should be added that he has borrowed against the value of the house on two occasions in order to satisfy very sizable expenses, but paid off the resultant second mortgages shortly thereafter. The man mentioned in the first sentence of this paragraph thought Frodo was a spendthrift and that he ran risks far too reminiscent of those who neglected margin calls in 1929. By that time in his life, he was an old man.

Frodo stood in front of a subdivision near the Shire noting the advertising sign out front. The sign reads, "Priced in the $900's." Frodo has tried, on several occasions to compute the monthly payment on a traditional 30-year fixed-rate mortgage, with 10% down, at current rates for such a piece of property. Small beads of sweat form all along his declining hairline.

Adjustable rate mortgages were the avenue that allowed Frodo to purchase his first piece of real property, so he comprehends the transition to mortgage products which offer opportunity to the first-time buyer. Reflecting his upbringing, Frodo converted that loan to a fixed-rate at a lower rate some years into that transaction. The problem, and what has given Frodo night sweats for some time, are the "products" which have given buyers access who never purchase equity, but only pay interest on the loan amount. There are many buyers who gamble that the value of the property would continue to grow, and that this inflation in value would allow them to someday sell the property at a price far above the loan amount. That is sort of like the guys who didn't expect their margins to be called in October of 1929, or so it seems to Frodo.

The number of foreclosed properties is skyrocketing all across Middle Earth. The mortgages on those properties were almost always sold to another company in a "package" with many other loans that carried a combined face value in the tens of millions, and beyond. When the values of the properties no longer increased, and the borrower was unable to keep up the payments, then the purchaser of the loans lost some really big money. These purchasers needed cash to meet their obligations, and to prevent them from dumping these packages at any cost. Really big investors were then circling over the carcasses and could infuse cash by "investing" in the company holding the packages.

Frodo thinks often of a book he once read called "The Octopus," written by Sinclair Lewis.

Frodo is very much an advocate of free enterprise, of investment in good and growing companies, and in the ideas of those who are searching for new and better ways of doing everything. He is, however, not stupid. Like the old man who thought him a spendthrift, Frodo learned that the process rarely works for those blinded by greed and an unwillingness to start with a two-bedroom, one bath "starter" in a settled neighborhood.

That piece of property mentioned in the first paragraph, which was originally a two-bedroom starter, mortgaged by Frodo's father in 1953 and sold in 1969, recently sold again for $7 Million. Had he not already passed, Frodo's father would have had a heart attack.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:34 PM EDT

Updated: Thursday, August 30, 2007 9:27 PM EDT

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Monday, August 27, 2007

The World is Full of Wondrous Things It's True
Mood:

cool
Topic: "NFL Trade" (3)

Commissioner Rice approached the microphone, cleared her throat, and stated thusly, "The Atlanta Falcons have announced a trade with the Justice Department of the United States. Michael Vick will be the new Attorney General and Alberto Gonzales (also known as 'Da Judge') will quarterback the Falcons in their Pre-Season Game this evening against the Cincinnati Bengals." Congressmen Phillip Gingrey (R-GA) and Thomas Price (R-GA) stood behind the Commissioner holding the respective sleeves of a Falcons Jersey with the Number "7" and the name "Gonzales" prominently displayed for all to see (Gingrey, it should be noted, was standing on Price's foot as he attempted to wrest possession of the jersey from the dimunitive Price).

At the same time, Interim Acting White House Special Assistant for Legislative Affairs John McCain was announcing that Vick was selected for this critical assignment because he is the only person assured to remain in position for the next 12 to 18 months. In addition, Vick also announced today that he had "found Jesus," thereby qualifying him for executive responsibilities (It was later noted that "Jesus" coincidentally was the moniker given to a pit bull who had escaped from the "BadNewz" Kennels several months ago).

The Owner of the Falcons, Arthur Blank, chose to purchase the Atlanta Falcons when he and his partner, Bernie Marcus, sold their joint venture, Home Depot (Marcus spent his money building the world's largest mausoleum for dead and dying rare fish, known as 'The Georgia Aquarium'). Blank had provided Vick with the largest contract ever awarded to a professional football player. When questioned by reporters, Blank stated only that Gonzales would be offered a contract significantly less than that which Vick had signed. When asked his opinion, Gonzales stated that he could not recall any discussion of that nature. Blank looked wistfully at the Aquarium building, perhaps wishing that he and Bernie had reversed roles.

As might be expected, on the first play from scrimmage, Gonzales forgot what play had been called, and fumbled.

Vick announced that all US Attorneys in Virginia were being fired

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:43 PM EDT

Updated: Monday, August 27, 2007 10:15 PM EDT

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Sunday, August 26, 2007

I'm So Tired of Bein' Alone
Mood:

silly
Topic: "Ben McGee" (3)

Frodo is a story tellin' fool, and occasionally he comes upon one that simply tickles his fancy which, if he don't put it down, he will forget, and that would be a shame. In that regard, and with recognition of the source of this story having appeared to Frodo in the book "In Search of Willie Morris," by Larry L. King, Frodo recounts the edited tale of Ben McGee.

Ben McGee was a black man from Texas who died and was met at the Gates of Heaven by the Lord. Reading from the Book of Good Deeds the Lord was truly impressed by the works of this gentle man, and he asked to Ben to return to the earth to continue a bit longer.

"Oh Lord," said Ben McGee, "please don't send me back there. You've never been to Texas. You don't know what it's like!"

"Well Ben," the Lord said, perhaps a bit sternly, "I think you should go back and continue your good work among your people. I would hate to put that in the form of an order, but I need someone in Texas with a good heart."

Ben McGee sighed and said, "Well Lord, if I agree to go back to Texas, will you go with me?"

Ben stood there, silent, while the Lord paused and considered the options. "Well. . . . .," said the Lord, " I'll go as far as Shreveport."

With apologies to all the good people of Mississippi, and gratitude to Merry for making Frodo laugh. LOL, isn't that right?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:43 PM EDT

Updated: Sunday, August 26, 2007 9:03 PM EDT

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Saturday, August 25, 2007

The Evil Woman, Hey, Hey, Hey
Mood:

on fire
Topic: "Space Poop" (3)

On the 29th of October, 1978, in Frostbite, Florida, a Space Alien, full of Space Junk Food, defecated on the planet Earth. From those droppings sprung young Travis Henry.

Twenty-eight years later, Travis "Space Poop" Henry is a running back for the Denver Broncos with a $25 Million contract (which computes to a base MONTHLY salary of $50,000). After supposedly attending class at the University of Tennessee (sometimes referred to as "The Kindergarten of the South") where he "majored" in SOCIOLOGY, "Space Poop" was drafted by the Buffalo Bills, and subsequently traded to first the Tennessee Titans and now the Denver Broncos. Along the way "Space Poop" found time to father 9 children by 9 different women in North Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, and other states, too numerous to mention. Various judges have ordered "Space Poop" to pay child support in 7 different cases so far.

In an extremely unique ruling, DeKalb Superior Court Judge Clarence Seeliger has noted an inability of "Space Poop" to keep current on mandated child support, and therefore required that he establish a $250,000 trust fund in the name of his now three-year old son. "Space Poop," who is unmarried, "has some concerns and is weighing his options" according to his barrister (Frodo prefers the use of this word as opposed to the more conventional "attorney," simply because it sounds more like "bastard"), Shiel Edlin (Frodo kids you not). His barrister reports that, although he received a $1 Million bonus to sign with Denver earlier this year, "He doesn't have any money. The guy has significant financial issues." The barrister slaving on behalf of the mother of the three-year-old reports that after taxes were subtracted from the bonus, "Space Poop" spent the remainder on a new Mercedes and gold jewelry.

If these facts, dear reader, aren't enough to make you agree with Frodo's depiction of MISTER Henry as "Space Poop," then get this. Under court-mandated custody arrangements, in order to save time, "Space Poop" proposed gathering all 9 children TOGETHER and letting them attend training camp for two weeks with dear, old Dad. Now that would be a families reunion, wouldn't it? Barrister Edlin, acting in support of his client said, "I know these are a lot of kids, and there might be some questions about it, but he's a really committed father."

Dear reader, Frodo does not know Judge Seeliger, but he thinks the establishment of a trust fund, requiring the payment of child support up front, is the solution to a very big problem. If you have a mind, why not contact your State Representative and suggest something similar where you live? Maybe there will be something good to be found in "Space Poop" after all.

In the meantime, Frodo sincerely hopes the Denver Broncos, and the University of Tennessee, go winless in the upcoming season. Not unlike Michael Vick, there is a lot of "reprehensible" behavior out there, and nothing will change until we make them pull up their pants.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 12:54 PM EDT

Updated: Saturday, August 25, 2007 1:29 PM EDT

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Friday, August 24, 2007

How Much Does It Cost? I'll Buy It
Mood:

silly
Topic: "Bird is the Word" (3)

Lynn Oberkrom and his family were not doing anything particularly unusual last Monday evening. Gathered together in their Stockbridge, Georgia, backyard, they were grilling hamburgers and hot dogs for dinner. Lynn then noticed a severed human finger lying under a table.

Acting entirely appropriately, he did what Frodo would have done; he called the police. He should have known better.

When investigators from the Rockdale County (home turf of reactionary Congressman Lynn Westmoreland) Sheriff's office showed up, they began to collect forensic evidence. Pictures were taken of the finger and a complete search of the Oberkrom household was performed. The finger was taken and delivered to the DeKalb County (Representative Westmoreland has not seen fit to push for a facility of this nature in his conservative district) Medical Examiner's office for tests. Deputies concurrently used dogs and a Georgia State Patrol helicopter (need it be noted that Representative Westmoreland doesn't see the necessity of such a vehicle in his district) to search the nearby woods for approximately three hours.

The finger arrived in Medical Examiner Woody Hall's laboratory in a sealed plastic bag. Outwardly the finger appeared normal, although it was caked with dirt, leading one officer to speculate that it may have been brought into the backyard by the family dog. No statement had been taken from "Baker," the family schnauzer. When Hall removed the finger from the bag and cleaned it, in order to take a fingerprint, he noted something odd. The finger was made of rubber.

A telephone call brought the dogs back in from the search, and the helicopter returned to its pad at State Patrol headquarters.

It was a middle finger.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:39 PM EDT

Updated: Friday, August 24, 2007 8:59 PM EDT

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Wednesday, August 22, 2007

If You Got a Nickel, Won't You Lay Your Money Down
Mood:

chatty
Topic: "Hello? Central?" (3)

To imply that Frodo's mind wanders from time-to-time is not an epiphany. He readily admits that the most innocent of observances will instantly recall an event or time which helped to shape his Hobbithood. The consideration of Mother Nature is similarly what must have struck the fancy of Charles Darwin, the imagination of Samuel Clemens, and certainly the curiosity of Benjamin Franklin. Why, pray tell, can't Frodo then be afforded the luxury of social commentary based on the considerations of life in the Shire?

While proceeding at a snail's pace in his motorcar to and from Mount Doom, Frodo has had plenty of time to notice those who steer the consumers of fossil fuel. He has noted that the physical characteristics of some pilots are extremely similar depending on the size and style of the motorcar. Although not universally true, it is indeed highly probable that a "mini-van" of any make or model, of any color whatsoever, with a noticeably wide rear end, is directed by a past puberty female, probably also past that of her offspring, who is talking on a cell phone. Frodo has noted this in 22 of the last 25 such motorcars to block his path this past day.

Carl Reiner and Alan Arkin starred in one of the truly great comedic films of all time, "The Russians are Coming, The Russians are Coming." For memory sake, remember dear reader that the Soviet submarine ran aground off the coast of "Glockester," where Reiner and his family were vacationing. In their attempt to avoid detection and escape without causing an international incident, the Soviet sailors had to paralyze communications on the island. In this case, at that time, there were no cell phones, and the sailors were able to bind and gag the local telephone company operative, in a chair hanging from the wall on a hook. When the islanders discovered the presence of the perceived invaders, their inability to communicate led first to the proverbial "Keystone Kops" chase scenes, and then to the poignant conclusion which left a lump in the throat of every one who has ever loved a movie.

Frodo's point is that none of the events at "Glockester" can ever again occur as a believable framework in truth or ficition because of the little piece of technology that seems to occupy the ear of every inattentive driver on America's highways. Every teen-ager on the island would've had a cell phone to call in the Marines, the Air Force, and anybody else that would've acted to blow that submarine right out of the water. In addition to the fact that there is no more Soviet Union, there is a whole generation out there that will never understand why Frodo's eyes sparkle when he hears "One-ringy-dingy; two ringy-dingy; Hello, is this the party to whom I'm speaking."

Ernestine, please come home.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:08 PM EDT

Updated: Wednesday, August 22, 2007 10:44 PM EDT

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Monday, August 20, 2007

I've Seen a Lot About What The World Can Do, And It's Breaking My Heart in Two
Mood:

sad
Topic: "Genesis Ignored" (3)

Frodo is in one of the funks of depression. It is not serious, but a reflection of disturbing news upon disturbing news. Watching "Nature" on the black-and-white last evening, Frodo observed the courage and the selfless determination of so many people working on behalf of the creatures stranded by Hurricane Katrina. Tears on his cheeks, glistening in the reflected light, praying that "Thunder" and others somehow survived. Frodo wanted to kiss the hand of a veterinarianess from Boston who forsook home and family to do what she must. Then he heard the numbers; 250,000 pets had been left behind, and 15,000 had been rescued. Save yourself a little mental exercise dear reader, that is 6%.

Michael Vick will plead guilty in a Federal Court on Monday next. He will admit and take responsibility for the interstate transit of dogs for the purposes of gambling and fighting. This plea, after initially denying any involvement whatsoever, will result in a felony conviction and time in a penitentiary. The gifted athlete will likely never play professional football again. He is evidently going to admit that he "executed" dogs who did not exhibit sufficient ardor in the ring.

Frodo once incensed a roomful of fellow graduate students when he argued that the Holocaust was not an "inhuman" aberration, rather it evidenced "humanity." Frodo said that there are so many recorded instances of terror and cruelty in the History of Man that it cannot therefore be argued that such behavior is irregular. "It is," he stated, "clear that Man accepts violence and torture as normal conduct, not insanity." Frodo gets depressed because this argument is evidenced factually, time and again. Whether it be "water boarding" or "dog fighting," there are too many arguments in support of such conduct to look upon these acts as anything other than routine.

The Space Shuttle will be passing overhead in a few minutes, since the threat of Hurrican Dean requires an earlier return. The Space Station may also be observable as a result. Frodo feels a need to peer into the heavens tonight. Maybe everybody does.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:40 PM EDT

Updated: Monday, August 20, 2007 9:16 PM EDT

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