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" Citizen Soldiers" (5)
" Putin' Out" (5)
" Thin Ice"(9)
""I Ain't Got Much" (5)
""Soft Memories" (7)
"$100, Are You Sure?" (5)
"0 Preservative Added"(2)
"105 Minute Workday"(9)
"16 Percent Factor"(3)
"176,000,000 to 1"(8)
"26 Damn Dollars"(6)
"3 Percent Turnout" (2)
"37 Come 11" (5)
"3:10 to Yuma" (7)
"50 Weeks of Reality TV"
"501 (c)(4)"
"54 Pounds" (8)
"8.8 Pounds"(6)
"A Capitol Idea" (6)
"A Code in My Node"
"A Course is a Course"(2)
"A Day At The Beach" (3)
"A Dog Named Bo" (5)
"A Hobbit of an Idea"
"A Man's Army"
"A Patriot Act" (7)
"A Patriotic Act"
"A Perfect World"
"A soldier booed?'(7)
"A Space Odyssey" (4)
"A Taxing Story" (5)
"A Thousand Campfires"(4)
"A Three Hour Tour"(8)
"A Touch of Class"(5)
"A Waisted Day" (5)
"A Woman Scorned"
"A-Train"
"AAARRRGGGHH" (6)
"Aagh,I'll Pay,I'll Pay"
"Abe Wong, of Gondor"(5)
"Act I, Scene I" (8)
"Act I, Scene II" (8)
"Act I, Scene III" (8)
"Adjustable 2nd Card"(3)
"Adjusting Policies"
"Adjusting the Clock"(8)
"Aegean Adventure" (2)
"Ah ah ah Stayin' Alive"
"Airline Highway" (5)
"Alan Scott" (7)
"All Aboard"
"All Bets Are In" (2)
"All Charged Up"
"All Good Things" (4)
"Allah Be Praised" (5)
"Almost Heaven" (2)
"Alpha Dog"(7)
"Alright, Who Did It?"(7)
"Also Sprach Frodo" (4)
"Always Wear Gloves" (3)
"AM Radio Next?"
"America's Toilet" (6)
"American Cemetery"(8)
"An Admission"
"An Apple A Day" (7)
"An Hour A Day" (6)
"An Ugly American"(4)
"Anchorman" (6)
"And the Winner Is" (2)
"Andy Griffith Redux"
"Another Single Woman?"
"Another Three-namer"(5)
"Another Time/Place"(4)
"Anvil Throwin' Time"(8)
"Apocalypse Now?" (3)
"Aragorn" (4)
"Armored Dildos" (3)
"As Far As We Know" (2)
"Ask Ann Landers" (3)
"Assembly LineDancing"(4)
"Astronaughty" (2)
"Atlanta Times Three"
"Augmentation" (2)
"Augustus Agonistes" (5)
"Aurora Borealis" (8)
"Autumnal Observances"(2)
"Avast You Lubbers"(6)
"Baby Doctors (2)"
"Baby Fiona"(7)
"Baby Nathan Yahoo"(10)
"Back Door Basra (2)"
"Back inthe Saddle Again"
"Bad Boys, Bad Boys"
"Bad Time for Bonzo" (3)
"Balance of Nature" (3)
"Balance of Payments"(5)
"Balancing the Budget"
"Ballamer" (4)
"Balls"(10)
"Bang the Drum Slowly"
"Bank Prank" (5)
"Baptists are Pussies"(7)
"Barbed Wire Escape (2)"
"Barbie Banditos" (3)
"Barely Bearble"(7)
"Barely Defensible" (2)
"Barry Me Not (2)"
"Bathroom onna Right"(3)
"Beach Music" (7)
"Because It Is Hard" (4)
"Beechwood 4-5789"(6)
"Belling the Cat" (2)
"Ben McGee" (3)
"Benny and the Jets"(5)
"Berlusconi in Love"(6)
"Best be straight Boy"(5)
"Best Day/Worst Day"(6)
"Best in the South" (5)
"Best in the World?"(5)
"Betray Us" (3)
"Bettah than Etta"(4)
"Better Man" (3)
"Better Than Pong"
"Big Time Sports" (3)
"Big Words,LittleMind"(6)
"Bilbo's Birthday (2)"
"Bilbo's Little Boy"(5)
"Bilbo's Revenge" (5)
"Bill and Hillary (2)"
"Billy World" (2)
"Bimini Babes" (3)
"Bird is the Word" (3)
"Birmingham Jail" (5)
"Birthday Baggins"
"Birthday Buddies" (7)
"Birthday Memory" (4)
"Birthin' No Babies" (3)
"Bishop to King's Castle"
"bitch,bitch,bitch"(6)
"Black Friday" (2)
"Black Gold, Texas Tea"
"Black Hole Blues" (4)
"Black Jack"
"Black Russians" (6)
"Black Widow" (3)
"Blackboard Jungle"
"Blame Game" (3)
"Bleached Bones" (5)
"Blitzkrieg Bellini" (2)
"Blood and Swash" (3)
"Bloopers" (5)
"Blue Christmas" (2)
"Bo's Birthday"(5)
"Bob Sikes' Cut"(9)
"Bob, Bob, Bobbit" (3)
"Bobby, not Ben"(6)
"Bon Air Bellicose" (4)
"Bon Giorno" (6)
"Bona Lisa" (5)
"Bonds-v-Skvara" (3)
"Boo Boo Poo Poo"(9)
"Boromir & Galadriel"(5)
"Bottled in Thyme"(7)
"Bottom Ten"(9)
"Bovine Stem Cells?"
"Boy, I Say Boy"
"Boycott BP"
"Breaker, Breaker" (4)
"Breakin' rules" (7)
"Breaking News" (7)
"Brer Fox (2)"
"Bridge at Andau"(11)
"Bring Back Ross" (2)
"Bring the Bowl"
"Broken News"(10)
"Brother of the Ring"
"Brownback Mountain"
"Brownie Hawkeye"
"Buckwheat Breathes" (2)
"Bumper Sticker"
"Burn Baby, Burn" (3)
"Bush in the Bullrushes"
"Bush Baby, Bush (2)"
"Bush is Chinese?" (2)
"Bush Press Conference"
"Bush-Bashers Be We (2)"
"Bushenomics"
"Busman's Holiday(2)"
"Butt...Butt...Butt" (3)
"Butterflies? Sheesh!"
"Buttermilk Drops" (3)
"Buy a Subaru" (11)
"Buy Stock in America"(6)
"Cabin Fever" (5)
"Cain Not Able" (7)
"Cake in the Rain"
"Cake in the Rain"(3)
"Call Me Ishmael" (3)
"Callista, an Albino?"(7)
"Camp Pleasant" (2)
"Can She Name Them?(2)"
"Can You Hear Me Now?"
"Canaan Conspiracy"(6)
"Candygram" (4)
"Captive Audience"(6)
"Caramel or Carmel?"(3)
"Carolina Cougar(2)"
"Carolina Curmudgeon" (5)
"Cartoon Characters" (3)
"Case of Packy Stann"(3)
"Cash crash crashed?"(5)
"Cat Fight" (5)
"Caterpillar Quandry" (3)
"Causal Relationships"(9)
"Cause It's One, (2)"
"Ceramic s"
"Ch-ch-changin'" (4)
"Change a'comin" (5)
"Change is Good" (5)
"Change?" (3)
"Changin' Channels" (2)
"Chapter 13"
"Chariots of Fire"
"Chariots' a' Comin'"(4)
"Chassahowitzka" (2)
"Chauncey Gardner"(7)
"Checkmate"(5)
"Chemical Alley" (6)
"Cheney of Fools" (2)
"Cherem" (3)
"Chew my Gazebo, Willya?"
"Chief Noc-a-Homa" (3)
"Chingachgook Lives"
"Chipmonkeys Alert (2)"
"Chipper" (6)
"Christian Balls"(10)
"Christian the Lion"(4)
"Christian Valuelessness"
"Christmas Communique"(3)
"Christmas, 1936" (2)
"Chutzpah Hooters" (4)
"Cilled a Bar?" (3)
"Cindy, oh Cindy"(4)
"Citizen Soldiers" (2)
"Clark and Lois (2)"
"Classified Ads are Cool"
"Claymore Gregg" (3)
"Clean Machine" (2)
"Clean up in Aisle 4!"(4)
"Climb It Chains" (8)
"Clinton Cuts" (7)
"Clone Chipper,Please"(4)
"Cockatiel Lounge" (2)
"College of the Shire"(6)
"Colosseum"
"Combat Kelly (2)"
"Come On Baby"(8)
"Come on Down" (3)
"Comin' Clean" (5)
"Comin' Home" (3)
"Commencement (2)"
"Comparables" (6)
"Condi for President" (3)
"Cone of Silence" (4)
"Conflagration" (3)
"Confusion Reigns"(10)
"Congress Goes to War (2)
"Congress' Schmidthead"
"Conspiracy Theory" (4)
"Copy Cat Chinese" (5)
"Country Roads" (7)
"Crawford Convention" (2)
"Crikey" (2)
"Crime and Punishment(2)"
"Crotch Rocket Delite"(4)
"Cult of the Wild"(7)
"Curious, George?"
"Currahee" (5)
"Da Juice Is Back" (3)
"Dad" (5)
"Damages Done (2)"
"Damn Close" (4)
"Damn It To Hell" (5)
"Damn Lies" (7)
"Dandy Dale" (7)
"Danger Will Robinson"(5)
"Danger,Will Robinson"(8)
"Darth Dick" (5)
"Darwin's Company" (4)
"Das Boot"
"Das Ende" (6)
"Date With David" (2)
"Day of Infamy" (4)
"Day-O, Me Wan Go"(7)
"De Tar-Ball Baby" (6)
"Dead Honkey"
"Dearest Bilbo"
"Debits on the Left?" (2)
"Decisions, Decisions"(6)
"Deep and Dark" (5)
"Deep Shiite" (3)
"Degree of Separation"(6)
"Deja 1958 Over Again"
"Deja Who?"(7)
"Delano" (4)
"DevelopmentalStudies"(4)
"Diazinon Ditties (2)"
"Dick Clark Top 10(2)"
"Dimmer Switch" (6)
"Dirty Copter" (4)
"Do They Like Kool Aid?"
"Doctor, Mr. MD"(9)
"Dodged a Bullet"(7)
"Dogmobile" (3)
"Dogs Rule"
"Doing the Right Thing"
"Don't Cut My DSL" (5)
"Don't Feed the Animals"
"Dont Touch That Dial"(6)
"Doofus" (9)
"Doohan's Delight" (3)
"Doris Miller" (6)
"Dorothy Rose" (4)
"Double Deal" (6)
"Doubting Thomases" (3)
"Doug Williams"(4)
"Dover" (4)
"Down Below Back Home"(4)
"Downtown Cardinals"(9)
"Dr. Phil" (5)
"DroughtExitStragedy"(3)
"Dubai-Bye" (3)
"Dueling Banjos" (3)
"Dumb and Dumber" (3)
"Dumb As We Wanna Be"(3)
"Dumber Than Dirt" (3)
"Dumbest Politico (2)"
"Eager Uighurs" (4)
"Early Admission" (8)
"Eight Nine Four" (4)
"Elect Jeff Jackson"(10)
"Elizabeth I" (5)
"Emily Latella Lives"
"Emperor's Clothes" (2)
"End of the Line"
"Ending Sams Patience"(7)
"Engine Uprisin'" (4)
"Ensign Pulver"(5)
"EOTUS" (5)
"Equinox Approaching"(10)
"Equinoxious" (4)
"ERA"
"Escalator Escalatin'"(5)
"ESP" (6)
"Etchings, Anyone?"(5)
"Ethel Merman Lives"
"Eve, It's Oil!"
"Evenin' Govnah" (6)
"Everyday Miracles"
"Evil Thoughts" (3)
"Eye Opener" (3)
"Eyes of a Gorilla"
"Fair is Fare"(7)
"Falcon" (8)
"Fall Ball" (3)
"Fallin' Behind"(11)
"Falling Apart" (9)
"Fargo Felines" (5)
"Fashionable Frodo" (5)
"Father Ed" (3)
"Faux les Bas" (2)
"Female Insurgency (2)"
"Ferengi or Ferangi?" (3)
"Fergit? Hell No!"
"Film at 11"
"Findin' William"(11)"
"Firing US Attorneys" (3)
"First Freeze" (6)
"First Learn to Lose"
"First National Bank" (5)
"First Sentence" (8)
"Five Easy Pieces" (4)
"Float Yer Boat" (4)
"Flower Power (2)"
"Foe Years Old" (4)
"Follow the Money"
"Followin' Ava" (4)
"For More Years" (3)
"Forbidden Fruit"
"Fords and Dads" (2)
"Foreclosure Follies" (7)
"Foreclosure Notice" (6)
"Forest Primeval"(8)
"Form 666" (3)
"Forms For Everything"(6)
"Foundling Fathers"(7)
"Fourteen Years Ago?"(5)
"Fox Views" (3)
"Frack You" (7)
"Frances Died Today"(7)
"Fred's Dead Head" (3)
"Free at Last"
"Free Hidden Telecast"(4)
"Freedom? Hell No" (3)
"Friend by Your Side" (3)
"Friend by your Side" (4)
"Friendly Persuasion" (5)
"Friends of Bill" (7)
"Frist Friends"
"Frodo and Housman" (2)
"Frodo and Jesus"
"Frodo and Revere?"(7)
"Frodo And Truckers (2)"
"Frodo Dissents" (6)
"Frodo Not Foggo (2)"
"Frodo of Arabia(2)"
"Frodo Op" (5)
"Frodo Regrets"
"Frodo Study Group" (2)
"Frodo visits Bilbo"
"Frodo's Almanac"(9)
"Frodo's Bad Day"
"Frodo's Book Club"(5)
"Frodo's Dilemma" (3)
"Frodo's Faux Pas" (3)
"Frodo's Final Four" (3)
"Frodo's Foreign Policy"
"Frodo's Hall of Fame"(4)
"Frodo's Newer Friend"(6)
"Frodo's Retirement"(8)
"Frodo's Revenge"
"Frodo's Revenge"(7)
"Frodo's Solutions" (6)
"Frodo's Xmas Story"(6)
"Frodo, James Frodo" (3)
"Furriners" (4)
"Gainful Employment" (3)
"Galadriel Is No More"(3)
"Gandalf's Challenge (2)"
"Garland Duesenberry" (2)
"Gas Guzzler A-Go-Go"
"Gasp, Wheeze (2)"
"Gay Faux Holes" (5)
"Genarlow de Chariot" (3)
"Genesis Ignored" (3)
"Geneva Accords Redux"
"Geography Lesson" (3)
"George to the Rescue"(3)
"Georgia on my Mind"(3)
"Getting Your Wish" (3)
"Gidget Goes Gondor"(7)
"Gimme Head With Hair"(3)
"Girls Night Out" (6)
"Give 'em Hell, Tom" (5)
"Give Heath a Chance (2)"
"Give Us Your Tired. . ."
"Giving Way to Anger" (2)
"Glenn Frey"(11)
"Glory Days"
"Goin' Home" (3)
"Gondor Goodfellas"(9)
"Gondor Gravitas" (3)
"Good Cop" (7)
"Good Day America" (6)
"Good Friday It Was"(9)
"Good Friday, Maybe"(11)
"Good Ol Mountain Dew"(5)
"Good Son"
"Goodbye Kids (2)"
"Goodbye, Ethan" (2)
"Goodman is Hard to Find"
"Goose Again"
"GOP Convention" (3)
"Gotta Have a Home (2)"
"Grading on a Curve"
"Graffiti Government" (2)
"Great American Hero"
"Great American Hero" (2)
"Greatest Duet Ever"(6)
"Greed is Good"(5)
"Greetings" (8)
"Grissom not Gruesome"(4)
"Groupies for Edwards"(4)
"Guess We Forgot?"(8)
"Guest Workers (2)"
"Guns of August" (7)
"Guts of August" (3)
"Gwinnett Again?" (3)
"Halo, 1,2,3?" (3)
"Ham I Am" (3)
"Handi-Wipes" (3)
"Hang 'em High" (2)
"Hanky Time, Ladies"
"Happens in Threes"(5)
"Happy Anniversary"(9)
"Happy Mardi Gras"(2)
"Harpo Speaks"
"Harry" (2)
"Harry's Bar-Venice" (2)
"Hatfield-vs-McCoy"
"Hawkeye, Redux"(7)
"Haz Mat" (3)
"He Ate the Olive!"(7)
"He is deeply missed (2)"
"He Picks Up Poop?" (5)
"He Took De Bait" (8)
"He's 'Little Ricky'?"(7)
"Healthcare for Frodo"(5)
"Heart Soar Like Hawk"(5)
"Heck of an Engineer"(7)
"Hedge Fund Hippies" (3)
"Heeeerrre's Frodo" (3)
"Heeere's Johnny" (6)
"Heeerrrre's Frodo" (3)
"Hello, Mr. Wilson" (5)
"Hello? Central?" (3)
"Help Wanted"
"Helping Frodo" (4)
"Here Come da Judge" (2)
"Here Come da Judge" (6)
"Here Kitty-Kitty" (4)
"Here Kitty-kitty"(5)
"Here's Help, Now Leave"
"Here's Your Watch" (3)
"Hi Jinx" (5)
"Hide Anythin' Edible"(5)
"High Chair" (2)
"Hobbits And a Truck"(4)
"Hold On Romo" (2)
"Hold the Malaise" (4)
"Homeless"
"Honey Dew List"(9)
"Hopalong Frodo"(9)
"Horn of Africa (2)"
"Horse Latitudes" (6)
"Horsehockey" (3)
"Hosea Can You See" (3)
"Hosea Can You See?" (3)
"Hot Tamale" (3)
"Hotel Plimhimmon"(9)
"HOV or DOA?" (3)
"How Dogs Love Us" (10)
"How Many Delegates?"
"How Many Delegates?" (3)
"How Now Broun Cow"(8)
"Hraka" (4)
"Huckleberry Hound" (3)
"Hund Scheisse CSI" (5)
"Hungarian Answer" (4)
"I Believe in Music (2)"
"I can hope, can't I?"(9)
"I Could Cry" (2)
"I Inspired You?"
"I say it's Spinach. . ."
"I'll Get Back to You"(3)
"I'll Huff and Puff" (4)
"I'll Take a Vowel"
"I'm Baaack" (2)
"I'mSo In LoveWithYou"(7)
"Ides of March Again" (4)
"Ides of Texas" (6)
"IED's in Congress" (2)
"If Frodo Ran The DHS"(5)
"If It Ain't OneThing"(5)
"If the truth be told"(6)
"If You Remember,Then"(6)
"If" (6)
"Imagine,General Newt"(6)
"Imitation of Life" (5)
"Immigration Reform (2)"
"Impregnated"(10)
"In a Galaxy Far Away(2)"
"In a Pig's Eye" (4)
"In Dog We Trust" (10)
"In the Beginning"
"In the Beginning" (3)
"Incomparable Moron" (4)
"Indoor Toilets Rule" (4)
"Intersex Village" (2)
"Interstate Parking (2)"
"Ion Propulsion"(7)
"Iran's Tom Hayden"
"Irish Spring"(3)
"Is it in the Water?"
"Is That in America?" (2)
"Is You da One,Jimmy?"(3)
"Islamic Fundamentals"(8)
"Isn't Amnesty Good?"(3)
"Isn't Change Good?"(6)
"It's A Trap" (6)
"It's Just a Movie"
"It's Just Business"
"Ja, Wir Konnen."
"Jack Crabb" (10)
"Jambo Jumbo" (3)
"Japanese Movie?" (3)
"Je suis Frodo"(10)
"Jefferson Rock" (3)
"Jes' the facts Ma'am"(4)
"Jim Crow" (5)
"Joad Family Reunion?"(6)
"Joad Jobs" (4)
"Joe Soptic" (8)
"Jonestown Redux" (3)
"Jose and Claudia" (4)
"Joshua Generation" (3)
"Just Another Day" (3)
"Just Clearin' Brush"(3)
"Just Desserts (2)"
"Just Desserts" (7)
"Just Say 'Nyet'"(7)
"Just to CU Smile" (5)
"Kandy Kakes 2"
"Ken Meets Jack"
"Key Word Apology" (6)
"Killer's Geraldine" (4)
"Kilowatts Per Mile" (6)
"Kiribati Republic"(6)
"Kirk Saves Nemo"
"Kiss a Girl Goodbye"(2)
"Knew You Not Pompey?"(3)
"Kodak Moment" (2)
"Kool Sailboat" (4)
"Korea, Korea" (2)
"Kudlow's Kreeps"(4)
"Lady of Rohan" (3)
"Land Ho"(8)
"Lean and Hungry " (2)
"Leeward, I Say, Leeward"
"Legs Diamond" (3)
"Legs" (3)
"Leslie" (4)
"Lessons Learned" (2)
"Let Them Eat Cake"
"Let's Bake Cookies" (3)
"Let's Play A Game" (6)
"Letter Home" (6)
"Letter to Lou" (4)
"Liberal Lament" (40)
"Lief, Leaf, or Loaf"(8)
"Life In A Red State"
"Lights of Chicago"
"Like a Barack" (2)
"Limbaugh Hero"(7)
"Lime Bandits" (3)
"Lime is on my side" (6)
"Limestone Cowboys" (3)
"Lip Smackin' Good?"(6)
"Little Big Horn (2)"
"Little Houdini" (5)
"Little Sky"
"Littlest Angel" (2)
"Livin' is Easy?"(7)
"Loans and Deposits" (4)
"Lois, I Never Lie"(8)
"Lonely Avenue" (3)
"Lonesome Frodo" (3)
"Look away Dixieland"(6)
"Look for da Union Label"
"Look Who's Talkin'" (2)
"Lookin' Back, Texas" (3)
"Lost Weekend"(8)
"Low Water, Slow Flow"(3)
"Lox? Or Locks?" (7)
"Lunatic Cattle Call"(8)
"M-G-M Material"
"Ma Bell is Baaack" (3)
"Ma Bell Lives" (7)
"Macaca, Your Macaca" (2)
"Mad Dogs&Englishmen"(6)
"Made You Look" (6)
"Magic Fridge (2)"
"Magic Moments"(7)
"Make Jobs, Not War"(7)
"MaMa's Little Babies"(3)
"Man For All Seasons" (2)
"Man of the Century"
"Man Up, Harry"(6)
"Man's Best Friend?"
"Many happy returns"
"March Forth" (8)
"Marking Time" (3)
"Martyr Magic" (2)
"Marvelous Mac"(8)
"Mary Lee & Genie"(8)
"Master of None" (8)
"MatriculationMadness"(5)
"May Day, Comrade"(7)
"Maynard G. Krebs" (7)
"McCan't"(9)
"Medal of Honor" (6)
"Media is the Message(2)"
"Media Reporting" (6)
"Memories"(10)
"Mental Healthcare" (4)
"Michelle, my Belle"(7)
"Mick's Day"(8)
"Mickey and Me"(6)
"MidSummer Nights Dream"(7)
"Mikileaks" (6)
"Missionary Position" (3)
"Missionary Position" (7)
"Mississipp' Sippin'"(2)
"Mister Roberts" (8)
"Moamar:The Movie"(7)
"Mohair Sam" (5)
"Mon Petit Shoe"(4)
"Monkeys in Mississippi"
"Moody Blue"(7)
"Moody" (7)
"Mooman" (3)
"Moon Over Miami"(4)
"Mooosic" (5)
"Moovin' On Up" (2)
"Mordor or Antarctica?"
"More Than Some" (4)
"Moultrie Poultry" (3)
"Mount Mulch" (2)
"Movin' On Up" (2)
"Mr. Toad's Motorcar (2)"
"Mudbums"(9)
"Mumbai, My Lord" (4)
"Murtha For President(2)"
"N. Leroy" (7)
"Name That Tune"(4)
"Nascaroil" (4)
"Nat King Cole Sucks"(5)
"NCAA---Blech!" (7)
"Nein, nein, nein"(7)
"Never Doubt Bilbo"
"Never heard of him"
"Nevermore"(6)
"New Life, Old Leaves"(4)
"Newest Friend"(8)
"Newman's Own" (4)
"Newt/Mitt '12" (3)
"Next Case" (6)
"Next Door Neighbors" (3)
"NFL Commissioner (2)"
"NFL Trade" (3)
"Nielsen Ratings" (2)
"Nine Months PG" (7)
"Nixon Agonistes" (3)
"Nkosi"
"No Faux News?" (3)
"No Googling Allowed"(4)
"No Humor Today"
"No Peanut Left Behind"
"No Sale" (3)
"No, Not Russian" (4)
"No-No, No" (3)
"Nobody Even Asked"(8)
"Noo Yawk Stateamind"(2)
"Not a Bang,a Whimper"(7)
"Not Funny, Dr Jones"(5)
"Not North Carolina" (6)
"Not Percy Sledge?" (3)
"Not Percy Sledge?"(3)
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Southern Pine Beetles"(4)
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Frodo, Keeper of the Ring
Thursday, January 3, 2008
I've Seen It Raining Fire in The Sky
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: "Case of Packy Stann"(3)

"Good Evening Mrs. Hudson, is Mr. Frodo available?"

"Of course Inspector LeStrade. I can hear him playing the violin, and I know that Dr. Sam is with him.  You can go right up to his room at the top of the stairs, with a "B" on the door."

"Inspector LeStrade, how are you?  And to what do we owe the pleasure of your visit this fine evening?"

"Good Evening Mr. Frodo, Dr. Sam, I appreciate you seeing me without having called for an appointment, but it is a matter of utmost urgency."

"Well, what can I do for Scotland Yard's premier Chief of Detectives?"

"Mr. Frodo, Scotland Yard has been asked to assist in the investigation of the assassination of Ms. Benazir Bhutto in Pakistan.  As you may know, the current government leader, Pervez Musharraf, was scheduled to run in opposition to Ms. Bhutto, and has been heavily criticized for inadequate protection for her, thereby resulting in her death.  The result being that elections have been postponed, and the influence of radical ideological elements poses a grave threat to the security of a nation with nuclear weaponry."

"Yes, I understand all of that.  Surely the greatest police investigative force in the World is up to such a challenge."

"Well, I'm not so sure Mr. Frodo.  It seems, and few people realize, that in 1951 a similar assassintion occurred in almost exactly the same spot, and despite the efforts of my predecessors, that case was never solved."

"I see.  You suspect a serial assassin?  Or perhaps someone merely copying the 'success' of a murder occurring 57 years ago?"

"I have no idea Frodo, that is why I came to see you.  I foresee great obstacles to be thrown in the path of the investigation, and felt that. . ."

"Perhaps I could operate out of the public eye and discover the true facts?"

"Exactly."

"See here Frodo."

"Yes Sam?"

"Don't you think Scotland Yard is perfectly capable of mucking this up on its' own?  Why should you imperil your reputation when this whole 'investigation' is merely a set-up to fail?"

"Your point is well-taken Sam, but as Englishmen we owe our service to the Queen, and right now she needs our assistance."

"Thank you Mr. Frodo."

"Not at all Inspector.  Come Sam, let us allow Inspector LeStrade to go back to his duties, and we'll make preparations for our train ride to Islamabad."

Some time passes.  Scene shifts from 221B Baker Street, to the Dining Car of the Darjeeling Express.

"I say Frodo, do you think we will ever get to Pakistan?"

"No Sam. I truly do not.  You see, I expect that those responsible for the assassination of Bhutto will never allow us to get into Pakistan and, assuming my deductions are correct, will try to do so on this train."

"You do?  Frodo, why haven't you shared this with me?  Do you have any suspects?"

"Patience old boy, I did not seek to alarm you and perhaps thereby alert the culprits to our awareness of their dastardly plan."

"I see.  Well Frodo, what do you suggest we do?"

"Finish your dinner, dear Sam.  Don't miss the curried shrimp; they are divine."

END OF PART ONE, TO BE CONTINUED

Gives you something, other than the results of the deliberations by one-sixth of one percent of the American electorate, to look forward to when next you visit.    

 

 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:04 AM EST
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Monday, December 31, 2007
Don't Tell Me I Don't Know
Mood:  lyrical
Topic: "Weepy Seepy Peepee"(3)

Selma Alabama is the daughter of one-song-singer Lee Roy Festus.  She is the performing idol of every pre-teen-age white girl with a fear of zits, and is commencing a World Tour, dubbed by Frodo as "Madonna in a Training Bra."  Parents everywhere are suffering considerable effort, if not expense, in order to obtain tickets to nearby concerts in behalf of their offspring.  Frodo, who has attended a concert or two in his time, although he cannot recall a single instance in which admission was paid by someone other than himself, does remember skipping meals in order to finance admission to see The Rolling Stones.  Perhaps this is why he examines the phenomenon of "Charity Auctions" and other such extreme measures to provide gift tickets.  Has the concept of lemonade stands disappeared from the American lexicon?

Apparently, much more than hard work has changed in recent days.  It seems that one enterprising Mother, frustrated by her inability to obtain tickets for her pre-teenager to attend a Selma Alabama performance in her hometown, entered a contest in order to win tickets to said concert.  The contest was to select the best essay to support "Why I Should Win Selma Alabama Concert tickets."  Writing on behalf of her daughter, the Mothers' essay began, "My Dad was killed in Iraq. . ."  Needless to say, the winning entry was an easy selection, except for the fact that it was not true.

Imagine the chagrin, and perhaps the lesson learned, of the young girl, when it was announced that her Mother's bald-faced lie meant that the tickets were canceled.   Imagine further the message conveyed by the very defensive response of the Mother who stated publicly that "Extreme measures are often called for under emergency circumstances." 

Just like 9-11, Frodo supposes.  Perhaps Plato was correct, after all.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:36 AM EST
Updated: Monday, December 31, 2007 12:07 PM EST
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Sunday, December 30, 2007
I Kicked The Blankets On The Floor
Mood:  not sure
Topic: "Potty Training" (3)

Frodo has just returned from what developed to be a second trip to Bilbo's bedside.  The first trip was in response to a case of pneumonia and requisite hospitalization, followed by the need for Frodo and Sam to arrange in-home healthcare for Bilbo's return.  Despite the travails resulting from the poorly-marked trail to wellness, Frodo and Sam were able to safely return to the Shire for a dose of normalcy.  Having previously planned for an excursion to observe the cetacean masters of the universe, Frodo and Sam were able to swing through and visit Bilbo on the way home to the Shire.  What they had not planned was for Bilbo to again require hospitalization.

Colitis is similar to an auto-immune disease in that it often develops simply because the body is fighting what it perceives to be an alien presence.  The colon becomes the battleground where white blood cells, in this case, confronted the vast amouint of antibiotics pumped to the forefront of Bilbo's struggle against respiratory difficulty.  On Christmas Eve, Bilbo was struck by excruciating pain which required the assistance of the proud public servants of emergency treatment, and hospitalization. 

Hospitals are not fun places to begin with, but Christmas Eve in rooms waiting for test results is punishment.  When finally the diagnosis was made, Bilbo was admitted to the hospital, and remains there to this moment.  Frodo however, has more than one battle to fight at a time, so his presence was also required back at the Shire.  Arrangements had to be made within his family for others to sally forth and be there to help Bilbo through the treatment phase, and to re-establish Bilbo's homecoming.  Before he left, Frodo received the bill for the first of Bilbo's hospitalizations.

For basically one week of service, Bilbo's insurance was billed for more than $40,000.  10% of the charges were for "Other Services."

After Frodo's heart started again, he was pleased to note that insurance covered all but $500.  This figure would not require the sale of Bilbo's residence, but Frodo did not merely breathe deep and express gratitude for what was a "close call."  Rather, he began to get just a little angry that a figure of more than $4,000 could be treated as "other," and not be identified item-by-item.  Frodo also noted that $40,000 was more than Frodo's father had ever made in any single year.  Without careful and gratuitous planning, Bilbo would not only be facing physical worries, but the finances would make recovery almost beyond the realm of reason.  

Frodo once joked to Bilbo, upon the purchase of a personal computer and teaching Bilbo how to use it only to discover that Bilbo had never learned to type, that going over the same things with Bilbo again-and-again was payback for the potty training that Bilbo performed on behalf of Frodo.  The reality, as opposed to the humor, is that Frodo also has to deal with financial concerns in the same manner as did Bilbo when the unknown expenses of education and maturation lay before young Frodo.  Money, Frodo supposes, is something that none ever completely escape as a concern.

This morning, Frodo listened to several political candidates talk, at length.  He paid close attention to any comments reflecting upon his increasing personal familiarity with the realities of healthcare.  Mixing the reality of need with the votes of the electorate has foiled many capable political leaders during Frodo's lifetime.  The fiscal problems increase over time, and the potential for personal tragedy grows as more and more follow in the footsteps of Frodo.

Bilbo could return home today.  Bilbo will not be able to continue that lifestyle indefinitely.  That, however, is another problem.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 12:47 PM EST
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Friday, December 28, 2007
It's Enough to Make Kings and Vagabonds Believe the Very Best
Mood:  sad
Topic: "Wrong Again, Frodo"(3)

Every once in a while, Frodo learned, it is important to admit an error.  Despite the reasonable assumption that Benazir Bhutto was nothing more than Ahmed Chalabi in a swirl of skirts and scarves, the truth is that she was, indeed, much more than what Frodo declared.  Her assassination left a gaping hole in the political landscape of what is truly a tinder box among nations.  Despite all her weaknesses and foibles, Ms. Bhutto was a symbol of non-totalitarianism in a part of the world where people are evidently simply trying to live lives as they see fit.  Frodo overlooked that fact, and for that, he is truly embarrassed.

John Fitzgerald Kennedy, in purely historical terms, was a philanderer who made monumental mistakes.  He accomplished very little, and he openly consorted with organized crime figures while serving as President.  Despite all that, he inspired a generation to devote their energies in service to their country.  His death championed an unparalleled surge in domestic legislation which the oldest democracy on Earth had failed to implement.  He was, it seems, not much different from Benazir Bhutto; easily subject to criticism in practice, but inspirational in theory.

Frodo is ashamed of his cynicism.  Perhaps the madness of the Incomparable Moron, and the incompetence of the puppetry in Iraq clouded his jaded eyes.  In any event, Frodo laments the death, nay, the passing, of a courageous and inspirational leader.  Pakistan, and all the world, is poorer tonight.   Frodo hopes that from the loss there springs a consequence of greater value to the community of Man.  


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:51 PM EST
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Thursday, December 27, 2007
For You And Me, For Liberty
Mood:  special
Topic: "Is You da One,Jimmy?"(3)

Frodo took a position to port, assured that the grays and humpbacks would rise to either side during his catamaran voyage off Puero Vallarta.  Holding his CANON digital as if he were a modern-day Ishmael, straining against the Sea of Cortez, he saw them rise and spout a fine spray on the starboard side.  With so many other Citizens of Middle Earth aboard, he kept his post, waiting for the unobstructed view sure to occur and thereby document this, his searched-for moment.  The tail of one rose high into the air, again on the starboard side, and he learned that a dive would follow which meant that this whale would be deep underwater for many minutes.  Still Frodo remained patient.

Then, it was there, the grayish-green fin followed by the twisting torso, as this, the largest of all creatures, raced alongside and close enough for Frodo to get a trophy.  Frodo paused, curious that it was much smaller than he anticipated, and his personal observation was much more important than an unexplainable photograph.  Astern he heard the shouts of those aboard the speedboats manned by the wildlife officers of the Mexican government.  As their boats paralleled Frodo's course, the Captain of the catamaran slowed, and turned to starboard.  The announcement came from the Captain that Frodo's sighting was that of a baby whale and, that for the safety of one still learning how to swim and breathe on his own, we were pulling away and that the Wildlife officers were going to escort the young one until his Mother pulled close once again.  Frodo's picture was lost for this day.

Frodo was not disappointed.  He did however, learn the Spanish word for "bathroom."

The next day, on the beach at Mazatlan, Frodo met some men who had rescued a cache of sea turtle eggs from a marauding mammalian.  With several of his newly-discovered friends, Frodo learned that there were 175 hatchlings, and that they were about to be released into the sea.  Frodo and his friends, it was offered, could each take one hatchling and launch them side-by-side in a race to the sea from a common point.  Frodo was among the first to select and to spend some quality time with his entrant.  As Frodo examined his prize it was learned that, statistically speaking, only one of the racers would likely survive to adulthood.  Suddenly, the idea of a race was not so important.  Pelicans began to gather and lift off into flight in our direction.  Frodo, and the lady standing next to him, who Frodo believes was from California, both walked to the water's edge, waiting for no man, and each hurried a little sea turtle into the surf.

They stood in silence for several moments.  

"I named him 'Fernando,'" she said to Frodo.

"I hope he makes it, too," said Frodo.  "I named mine Barack."

She smiled at Frodo, and said, "Because he's catching up from behind?"

"No," said Frodo, "because he's the one."      

  


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 12:12 AM EST
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Friday, December 14, 2007
I Must Be Going, My Heart Is Showing, I'd Better Hurry Away
Mood:  lucky
Topic: "Oh Ye White Whale" (3)

Gregory Peck was Atticus Finch.  Gregory Peck will always be Atticus Finch.  For anyone else to portray Atticus Finch would be borderline sacrilege.

Gregory Peck was Captain Ahab.  Gregory Peck will always be Captain Ahab.  For anyone else to portray Captain Ahab, it could only be Frodo.

On the morrow, Frodo and Sam travel afar to the lands beyond Rohan, and then to set sail beyond Don Diego's California for the waters where the largest creatures on our small blue planet annually gather to mate.  Although the season begins in January for the Humpback Whale, Frodo is a prisoner of time, and so he hopes that there are mammals other than himself seeking to strike fast, and often.  Frodo has never seen a whale, so this is an opportunity to unite the largest, and the smallest; the strongest, and the weakest; and for at least one of the two to recall Melville's greatest of opening lines.  Although there are no harpoons in Frodo's dream, he will watch closely for anyone who calls himself QueQueeg.  Many hours ahead of himself, he can taste the salt spray on his tongue and winces while imagining its sting in his eyes.

"Oh Ye White Whale."

Once ashore, Frodo and Sam will spend Christmas with Bilbo.  The gifts exchanged will be as portrayed in the commercial; priceless.  Then Frodo and Sam will return to the Shire, rested, but full of guilt.  Fiona and Mick, the Wonder Dog, will have spent Christmas in "Jail."  So soon after the recent flight to Bilbo's side necessitated a prior sentence, the eyes of the faithful companions were downcast and full of holiday gloom.  Frodo noted after the conclusion of the most recent sentence that the muzzle of Mick, the Wonder Dog, was much grayer, and that he slept an unusually long spell afterwards.  It took him several days to return to his regimen.  Sam noticed it, too.

Life, Frodo supposes, is best defined as freedom and captivity, if not as joy and sadness.  Aye, but the wind will blow, and Ahab will steer a course in pursuit of the White Whale, and just maybe, he'll sing along with Bing Crosby and hold Bilbo's hand.

May your Christmas, dear reader, be as full.  Until Frodo returns, refreshed, and full of hope. 

 

  


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:28 PM EST
Updated: Friday, December 14, 2007 9:07 PM EST
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Thursday, December 13, 2007
You Say You Want a Revolution
Mood:  hungry
Topic: "Butt...Butt...Butt" (3)

Georgia State Senator Mitch Seabaugh (R-Sharpsburg) has submitted Senate Bill 336 for consideration and possible enactment into law.  The legislation prohibits public schools from membership in an association that sets seating requirements for high-school football playoffs.  At first blush, thought Frodo, this rather benign proposal merely seeks to ensure that adequate seating is provided for all who seek to support their communities in the annual rites of autumn in the South.  After a few seconds however, Frodo went back to re-read the proposal, and he realized that exactly the opposite was being put forth, and, to his delight, he disccovered that the issue dealt not with the stadium capacity, but the width of each individual seat.

The Georgia High School Association (GHSA), the organization that has administrative responsibility for the conduct of the statewide play-off system, had ruled that a measurement of 24 inches was required to determine a single seat.  This increase from the old measure, 18 inches, was apparently, to Frodo, a recognition of the fact that there is an obesity issue.  What Frodo learned however, was that Senator Seabaugh happened to represent a community served by a school whose total seating capacity, under the new measurement, would be too small for it to serve as the host for any such play-off game.

As Frodo contemplated the complexity of this issue, he wondered about the potential impact upon the Shire.  For obvious reasons, Frodo surreptitiously gathered the measuring tape from the desk drawer and wandered into the room where Sam was watching the black-and-white.  Avoiding suspicion, he determined that Sam had absolutely nothing to worry about in meeting either classification standard.  He could not help but note the "cackle" while he moved afront the mirror in the attempt to judiciously, and objectively, determine his own rating.  His conclusion was that he would not be overly crowded should he attend any such event.

(Frodo Note:  the use of the term "cackle" benotes the outburst from Senator Clinton in todays Iowa Debate, prior to Senator Obama welcoming her to provide his coming administration with appropriate advisory counsel, at which point one would have thought that she had missed a tackle on the goal line).

Frodo finds high-school football in the American South to be an irritant.  Particularly in the early part of the season, when contests between "Tri-Cities" and "Dacula" crowd the airwaves that otherwise carry the exploits of his gallant Braves.  Truly important issues, such as Chipper's batting average with runners in scoring position after two are out in the ninth inning must be monitored as they occur.  At moments like this, Frodo agrees with Senator Seabaugh that the people who plan these football games are, indeed, big asses.  Literally.

What more proof do we need that government actually does work for the people, and that it deals with our biggest issues?


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:31 PM EST
Updated: Thursday, December 13, 2007 9:39 PM EST
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Monday, December 10, 2007
You're The One That I Want, Uooh, Uooh, Uooh
Mood:  cheeky
Topic: "I'll Get Back to You"(3)

"Good morning, Class."

"Good morning, Mr. Frodo."

"Please pass these bluebooks around, one to each student Miss Dana Something-or-other."

"Yes Sir."

"Alright Class, your Mid-term Exam in Modern American History will be but a single essay question which I will now write on the board.  You will have one hour, and your comments are limited to one bluebook.  Should you finish early, you may turn in your bluebook to me and report to the Study Hall in Room 214.   You will remain there until the bell sounds ending this period.  Any questions?  Okay, I'll write the question for you now.  Good luck."

Mr. Frodo wrote the following on the green chalkboard:  "Using the 'Cuban Missile Crisis' as a backdrop, discuss the decision-making in the  'Cold War' and the role played by the threat of nuclear warfare."

Mr. Frodo sat with his back to the chalkboard, resting his elbows on the faux pine desk, and began thumbing through a collection of poems by e.e. cummings.  He did not look up, rather he merely listened to the shuffling and under-breath expletives. 

"Mr. Frodo," came the plaintive query from the aisle nearest the windows.

"Yes, Miss Dana Some-thing-or-other," he responded to the perky little blonde tugging at her skirt as she crossed her legs, provocatively.

"Mr. Frodo, like I don't know anything at all about y'know the 'Cuban Missile Crisis'"

"I'm not sure I'd want to admit that were I you."

"Well, like it, y'know, doesn't seem fair, y'know, that half your grade y'know for the whole y'know term is based on something you could just like copy off of WIKIPEDIA."

"So what's your point?"

"Like what's so important about y'know this little island near where Natalie Holloway disappeared.  History is a drag.  How will this help me get a job and pay off my y'know student loans?"

"That's why you answer the question, so you will understand the significance of what took place there."

Silence.

Frodo didn't even want to look at the little moron.  Her cow-eyed stare made him uncomfortable, and he began to wonder, for the millionteenth time why he had ever gotten into teaching.  "To learn from history, so that mistakes are never repeated," he spoke to himself as he recalled the visions of a young and troubled President stumbling against a crafty Soviet Premier.

Slowly, one-by-one, the students shuffled by his desk and placed their bluebooks one atop another.  Dana Something-or-other, sure to someday be a news anchor on a local TV station, connected to her cell phone as she exited his classroom.  Frodo opened her bluebook and thumbed through the drawings and the graffiti.  On the final page she had written "I'll get back to you." 

When he raised his head he could see her looking through the window in the class room door. 

She hadn't aged a day standing there on the podium, laughing, feigning any awareness whatsoever of the events surrounding the Bay of Pigs.  He turned off the TV and began to re-read "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock."  He never thought he would miss Ari Fleisher.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:13 PM EST
Updated: Monday, December 10, 2007 11:12 PM EST
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Sunday, December 9, 2007
My Gift Is My Song And This One Is For You
Mood:  chatty
Topic: "In the Beginning" (3)

Many days ago, Merry told Frodo that he would have to devote a solid hour every single day in order to give proper service to the words assembled on this very screen.  Merry seriously underestimated the need.  Frodo now finds himself looking for subject matter, as opposed to his assumed sourcing from multiple decades of experience, in order to give some perspective to the imitation in life of the art that surrounds him.  There is a tendency, now, to repeat, not because of a memory loss, but because the point was made so long ago that no one, including Frodo, has the time or the impetus to review it all.  One of the Men of Gondor has suggested a "Best of Frodo," which, presumably, would serve the needs of those who look for laughter, alone.  Or perhaps those who are predominantly political, or even those who zero in on that which is purely poignant.  Frodo disagrees.

Dear reader, it was Forrest Gump, the purest of the pure, who best explained life.  When you visit Frodo, expecting him to have made mincemeat of the Incomparable Moron, and find him wandering through the Shire in search of buttercups, or reflecting upon the bizarre circumstances which change unknown lives forever, you experience a cherry covered with chocolate.  

There was a time when someone such as Andy Warhol would have painted a picture of a chocolate-covered cherry with the countenance of Marilyn Monroe, or perhaps Frodo, inside, and museums would be awash with reproductions of this that surely would be art.  In these days, someone such as Lionel Richie will combine other senses to emulate the tastes of chocolate and cherry.  One need merely close one's eyes, and dance to the music.

Art, however, is subject to the whims of those who finance it, or who happen to have the power to limit its' application.  Thus are there parables; stories which bear a message assembled with thought and perspective.  Parables, when scored to music, can become great films, just as they can become psalms of heavenly praise.  Films, music, books, as well as sparsely documented tales, say much, much more about the values of we citizens in Middle Earth as do any of those who profess to speak in our behalf.  Sad it is that we keep forgetting that. 

Thus Frodo begins each tale with a song.  Treat it, dear reader, as if it were a chocolate-covered cherry, and laugh, or cry, think, or not.  He who is smallest and weakest seeks only to bring down that which takes the music from us.  On the morrow will he ask you to, once again, march with him to destroy the Ring.

    


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 7:38 PM EST
Updated: Sunday, December 9, 2007 8:36 PM EST
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Friday, December 7, 2007
Me, I Want a Hula Hoop
Mood:  silly
Topic: "Christmas Communique"(3)

Frodo and Sam have friends who are retired college professors.  She is now an author of romance novels, and any reader who has ever felt her own mounds aquiver would recognize the cognomen.  He, on the other hand, takes care of the house, cooks, and composes the annual Christmas Communique.  Despite your anxiety about these generally boring and mundane inclusions in the cards you receive from any of your acquaintances with more than two children, Frodo urges you to sit back and read what follows (but, only after going to the bathroom, and doing a "number one"--remember, you were warned).  Note also that this posting is done entirely without the permission of the original author because Frodo will attempt to claim credit for its' creation.

"Well, the inevitable finally caught up with Panther, our 24-year-old black tomcat.  He died last Feb.  I was very fond of him, but I can't say that I wasn't relieved to no longer be chief geriatric caregiver.  Free at last, free at last!  For about three months.  Then Shirl started up.  "I want babies."  I reminded her that it was a bit late in life for that.  But she refined her chant.  "I want cat babies."  I reminded her that it had been a quarter of a century since we had had kittens, and it was a bit late in life for that.  In May, we adopted two two-month old kittens from the Humane Society.

They are purebreds.  One is a Hun, the other is a Mongol.  The black one is named Attila, and the silver-blue gray one Genghis.  Actually, exercising the imagination for which she is renowned in writing circles, Shirl named them Inky and Pewter.  She calls them her "precious treasures."  Jesu! (You may vomit at will).  They are neither "precious" nor "treasures."

Here is a partial recap of about six months of their "treasurely" antics.  One afternoon, I was home alone and had just gotten out of the shower.  The back wing of the house seemed stuffy, so I turned up the thermostat.  Nothing.  I turned the blower fan to "manual on."  Nothing.  I turned the thermostat up to "heat."  Nothing.  I raced down to the laundry room buck-naked.  After an anxious search, I discovered that a plug far back on the side of the furnace was dangling loose.  I bent over to put it back in place and I was apparently "dangling."  I felt a sudden WHAP where no man ever wants to feel a WHAP.  Pewter had been helping me trouble-shoot the problem but then decided to play.  Thank god, it was Pewter.  When he plays with humans, he does not put out his claws.  Had it been Inky doing the swatting, I would now number among the "famous" tenors. . .sopranos even.  But the damned furnace/air conditioning was still dead.  So I traced the wire from the plug to find that, after they had knocked out the plug, they had used it as a swing and had torn loose the connection in the laundry room ceiling.  I reconnected.  Success!  A couple of months later, the furnace again died.  I checked it out (fully dressed), and this time, I discovered that one of the "treasures" had reached through an air vent in the top of the furnace and disconnected the vacuum valve that starts the furnace blower, destroying part of it.  The HVAC man had to fix that.  A week ago the furnace wouldn't start; and after a check of the old problems, I was relieved to discover that this time they had simply thrown the furnace switch off.  I live in fear that they will learn to use a screwdriver.

Next, they burrowed through the wall board behind the furnace and broke into the small wine cellar under the rear stair case and started pulling bottles from the racks in preparation for a four in the morning wine tasting.  I can't figure out how they did it, but they got the wine alcove's door open from the inside and decided to come up to us for an early morning visit with lots of purring and "kissing," probably looking for a corkscrew.  They busted out twice more that night before we discovered the escape tunnel and sealed it. . .at 5:30 AM.

Finally, came the "fashionista" episode, when they discovered that they looked good in jewelry, Shirl's jewelry.  One afternoon, I heard her shriek from the master bedroom: "You wretched little creatures.  Give that back or I'll spank your butts."  The "treasures" had knocked her jewelry case off the dresser and pulled open the drawers.  Spread across the rug was a trove of earrings, rings, bracelets, broaches, necklaces, doubloons, pieces of eight or nine, etc.  Pewter was headed down to the laundry room with a dangling earring in his mouth.  Inky was waging a tug-of-war with "mommy" over a gold necklace he was trying to drag under the bed.  They are the wildest beasts we have ever owned.  Yes, they are also lovely little devils, but they won't live long and prosper.

We don't speak to each other anymore. . .we shout.  Yeah, you have a nice holiday, too."

Frodo always looks forward to this card.  He can't imagine what Christmas Eve must be like in their household--nor will he ever inquire.      


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:56 PM EST
Updated: Friday, December 7, 2007 9:49 PM EST
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