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" Citizen Soldiers" (5)
" Putin' Out" (5)
" Thin Ice"(9)
""I Ain't Got Much" (5)
""Soft Memories" (7)
"$100, Are You Sure?" (5)
"0 Preservative Added"(2)
"105 Minute Workday"(9)
"16 Percent Factor"(3)
"176,000,000 to 1"(8)
"26 Damn Dollars"(6)
"3 Percent Turnout" (2)
"37 Come 11" (5)
"3:10 to Yuma" (7)
"50 Weeks of Reality TV"
"501 (c)(4)"
"54 Pounds" (8)
"8.8 Pounds"(6)
"A Capitol Idea" (6)
"A Code in My Node"
"A Course is a Course"(2)
"A Day At The Beach" (3)
"A Dog Named Bo" (5)
"A Hobbit of an Idea"
"A Man's Army"
"A Patriot Act" (7)
"A Patriotic Act"
"A Perfect World"
"A soldier booed?'(7)
"A Space Odyssey" (4)
"A Taxing Story" (5)
"A Thousand Campfires"(4)
"A Three Hour Tour"(8)
"A Touch of Class"(5)
"A Waisted Day" (5)
"A Woman Scorned"
"A-Train"
"AAARRRGGGHH" (6)
"Aagh,I'll Pay,I'll Pay"
"Abe Wong, of Gondor"(5)
"Act I, Scene I" (8)
"Act I, Scene II" (8)
"Act I, Scene III" (8)
"Adjustable 2nd Card"(3)
"Adjusting Policies"
"Adjusting the Clock"(8)
"Aegean Adventure" (2)
"Ah ah ah Stayin' Alive"
"Airline Highway" (5)
"Alan Scott" (7)
"All Aboard"
"All Bets Are In" (2)
"All Charged Up"
"All Good Things" (4)
"Allah Be Praised" (5)
"Almost Heaven" (2)
"Alpha Dog"(7)
"Alright, Who Did It?"(7)
"Also Sprach Frodo" (4)
"Always Wear Gloves" (3)
"AM Radio Next?"
"America's Toilet" (6)
"American Cemetery"(8)
"An Admission"
"An Apple A Day" (7)
"An Hour A Day" (6)
"An Ugly American"(4)
"Anchorman" (6)
"And the Winner Is" (2)
"Andy Griffith Redux"
"Another Single Woman?"
"Another Three-namer"(5)
"Another Time/Place"(4)
"Anvil Throwin' Time"(8)
"Apocalypse Now?" (3)
"Aragorn" (4)
"Armored Dildos" (3)
"As Far As We Know" (2)
"Ask Ann Landers" (3)
"Assembly LineDancing"(4)
"Astronaughty" (2)
"Atlanta Times Three"
"Augmentation" (2)
"Augustus Agonistes" (5)
"Aurora Borealis" (8)
"Autumnal Observances"(2)
"Avast You Lubbers"(6)
"Baby Doctors (2)"
"Baby Fiona"(7)
"Baby Nathan Yahoo"(10)
"Back Door Basra (2)"
"Back inthe Saddle Again"
"Bad Boys, Bad Boys"
"Bad Time for Bonzo" (3)
"Balance of Nature" (3)
"Balance of Payments"(5)
"Balancing the Budget"
"Ballamer" (4)
"Balls"(10)
"Bang the Drum Slowly"
"Bank Prank" (5)
"Baptists are Pussies"(7)
"Barbed Wire Escape (2)"
"Barbie Banditos" (3)
"Barely Bearble"(7)
"Barely Defensible" (2)
"Barry Me Not (2)"
"Bathroom onna Right"(3)
"Beach Music" (7)
"Because It Is Hard" (4)
"Beechwood 4-5789"(6)
"Belling the Cat" (2)
"Ben McGee" (3)
"Benny and the Jets"(5)
"Berlusconi in Love"(6)
"Best be straight Boy"(5)
"Best Day/Worst Day"(6)
"Best in the South" (5)
"Best in the World?"(5)
"Betray Us" (3)
"Bettah than Etta"(4)
"Better Man" (3)
"Better Than Pong"
"Big Time Sports" (3)
"Big Words,LittleMind"(6)
"Bilbo's Birthday (2)"
"Bilbo's Little Boy"(5)
"Bilbo's Revenge" (5)
"Bill and Hillary (2)"
"Billy World" (2)
"Bimini Babes" (3)
"Bird is the Word" (3)
"Birmingham Jail" (5)
"Birthday Baggins"
"Birthday Buddies" (7)
"Birthday Memory" (4)
"Birthin' No Babies" (3)
"Bishop to King's Castle"
"bitch,bitch,bitch"(6)
"Black Friday" (2)
"Black Gold, Texas Tea"
"Black Hole Blues" (4)
"Black Jack"
"Black Russians" (6)
"Black Widow" (3)
"Blackboard Jungle"
"Blame Game" (3)
"Bleached Bones" (5)
"Blitzkrieg Bellini" (2)
"Blood and Swash" (3)
"Bloopers" (5)
"Blue Christmas" (2)
"Bo's Birthday"(5)
"Bob Sikes' Cut"(9)
"Bob, Bob, Bobbit" (3)
"Bobby, not Ben"(6)
"Bon Air Bellicose" (4)
"Bon Giorno" (6)
"Bona Lisa" (5)
"Bonds-v-Skvara" (3)
"Boo Boo Poo Poo"(9)
"Boromir & Galadriel"(5)
"Bottled in Thyme"(7)
"Bottom Ten"(9)
"Bovine Stem Cells?"
"Boy, I Say Boy"
"Boycott BP"
"Breaker, Breaker" (4)
"Breakin' rules" (7)
"Breaking News" (7)
"Brer Fox (2)"
"Bridge at Andau"(11)
"Bring Back Ross" (2)
"Bring the Bowl"
"Broken News"(10)
"Brother of the Ring"
"Brownback Mountain"
"Brownie Hawkeye"
"Buckwheat Breathes" (2)
"Bumper Sticker"
"Burn Baby, Burn" (3)
"Bush in the Bullrushes"
"Bush Baby, Bush (2)"
"Bush is Chinese?" (2)
"Bush Press Conference"
"Bush-Bashers Be We (2)"
"Bushenomics"
"Busman's Holiday(2)"
"Butt...Butt...Butt" (3)
"Butterflies? Sheesh!"
"Buttermilk Drops" (3)
"Buy a Subaru" (11)
"Buy Stock in America"(6)
"Cabin Fever" (5)
"Cain Not Able" (7)
"Cake in the Rain"
"Cake in the Rain"(3)
"Call Me Ishmael" (3)
"Callista, an Albino?"(7)
"Camp Pleasant" (2)
"Can She Name Them?(2)"
"Can You Hear Me Now?"
"Canaan Conspiracy"(6)
"Candygram" (4)
"Captive Audience"(6)
"Caramel or Carmel?"(3)
"Carolina Cougar(2)"
"Carolina Curmudgeon" (5)
"Cartoon Characters" (3)
"Case of Packy Stann"(3)
"Cash crash crashed?"(5)
"Cat Fight" (5)
"Caterpillar Quandry" (3)
"Causal Relationships"(9)
"Cause It's One, (2)"
"Ceramic s"
"Ch-ch-changin'" (4)
"Change a'comin" (5)
"Change is Good" (5)
"Change?" (3)
"Changin' Channels" (2)
"Chapter 13"
"Chariots of Fire"
"Chariots' a' Comin'"(4)
"Chassahowitzka" (2)
"Chauncey Gardner"(7)
"Checkmate"(5)
"Chemical Alley" (6)
"Cheney of Fools" (2)
"Cherem" (3)
"Chew my Gazebo, Willya?"
"Chief Noc-a-Homa" (3)
"Chingachgook Lives"
"Chipmonkeys Alert (2)"
"Chipper" (6)
"Christian Balls"(10)
"Christian the Lion"(4)
"Christian Valuelessness"
"Christmas Communique"(3)
"Christmas, 1936" (2)
"Chutzpah Hooters" (4)
"Cilled a Bar?" (3)
"Cindy, oh Cindy"(4)
"Citizen Soldiers" (2)
"Clark and Lois (2)"
"Classified Ads are Cool"
"Claymore Gregg" (3)
"Clean Machine" (2)
"Clean up in Aisle 4!"(4)
"Climb It Chains" (8)
"Clinton Cuts" (7)
"Clone Chipper,Please"(4)
"Cockatiel Lounge" (2)
"College of the Shire"(6)
"Colosseum"
"Combat Kelly (2)"
"Come On Baby"(8)
"Come on Down" (3)
"Comin' Clean" (5)
"Comin' Home" (3)
"Commencement (2)"
"Comparables" (6)
"Condi for President" (3)
"Cone of Silence" (4)
"Conflagration" (3)
"Confusion Reigns"(10)
"Congress Goes to War (2)
"Congress' Schmidthead"
"Conspiracy Theory" (4)
"Copy Cat Chinese" (5)
"Country Roads" (7)
"Crawford Convention" (2)
"Crikey" (2)
"Crime and Punishment(2)"
"Crotch Rocket Delite"(4)
"Cult of the Wild"(7)
"Curious, George?"
"Currahee" (5)
"Da Juice Is Back" (3)
"Dad" (5)
"Damages Done (2)"
"Damn Close" (4)
"Damn It To Hell" (5)
"Damn Lies" (7)
"Dandy Dale" (7)
"Danger Will Robinson"(5)
"Danger,Will Robinson"(8)
"Darth Dick" (5)
"Darwin's Company" (4)
"Das Boot"
"Das Ende" (6)
"Date With David" (2)
"Day of Infamy" (4)
"Day-O, Me Wan Go"(7)
"De Tar-Ball Baby" (6)
"Dead Honkey"
"Dearest Bilbo"
"Debits on the Left?" (2)
"Decisions, Decisions"(6)
"Deep and Dark" (5)
"Deep Shiite" (3)
"Degree of Separation"(6)
"Deja 1958 Over Again"
"Deja Who?"(7)
"Delano" (4)
"DevelopmentalStudies"(4)
"Diazinon Ditties (2)"
"Dick Clark Top 10(2)"
"Dimmer Switch" (6)
"Dirty Copter" (4)
"Do They Like Kool Aid?"
"Doctor, Mr. MD"(9)
"Dodged a Bullet"(7)
"Dogmobile" (3)
"Dogs Rule"
"Doing the Right Thing"
"Don't Cut My DSL" (5)
"Don't Feed the Animals"
"Dont Touch That Dial"(6)
"Doofus" (9)
"Doohan's Delight" (3)
"Doris Miller" (6)
"Dorothy Rose" (4)
"Double Deal" (6)
"Doubting Thomases" (3)
"Doug Williams"(4)
"Dover" (4)
"Down Below Back Home"(4)
"Downtown Cardinals"(9)
"Dr. Phil" (5)
"DroughtExitStragedy"(3)
"Dubai-Bye" (3)
"Dueling Banjos" (3)
"Dumb and Dumber" (3)
"Dumb As We Wanna Be"(3)
"Dumber Than Dirt" (3)
"Dumbest Politico (2)"
"Eager Uighurs" (4)
"Early Admission" (8)
"Eight Nine Four" (4)
"Elect Jeff Jackson"(10)
"Elizabeth I" (5)
"Emily Latella Lives"
"Emperor's Clothes" (2)
"End of the Line"
"Ending Sams Patience"(7)
"Engine Uprisin'" (4)
"Ensign Pulver"(5)
"EOTUS" (5)
"Equinox Approaching"(10)
"Equinoxious" (4)
"ERA"
"Escalator Escalatin'"(5)
"ESP" (6)
"Etchings, Anyone?"(5)
"Ethel Merman Lives"
"Eve, It's Oil!"
"Evenin' Govnah" (6)
"Everyday Miracles"
"Evil Thoughts" (3)
"Eye Opener" (3)
"Eyes of a Gorilla"
"Fair is Fare"(7)
"Falcon" (8)
"Fall Ball" (3)
"Fallin' Behind"(11)
"Falling Apart" (9)
"Fargo Felines" (5)
"Fashionable Frodo" (5)
"Father Ed" (3)
"Faux les Bas" (2)
"Female Insurgency (2)"
"Ferengi or Ferangi?" (3)
"Fergit? Hell No!"
"Film at 11"
"Findin' William"(11)"
"Firing US Attorneys" (3)
"First Freeze" (6)
"First Learn to Lose"
"First National Bank" (5)
"First Sentence" (8)
"Five Easy Pieces" (4)
"Float Yer Boat" (4)
"Flower Power (2)"
"Foe Years Old" (4)
"Follow the Money"
"Followin' Ava" (4)
"For More Years" (3)
"Forbidden Fruit"
"Fords and Dads" (2)
"Foreclosure Follies" (7)
"Foreclosure Notice" (6)
"Forest Primeval"(8)
"Form 666" (3)
"Forms For Everything"(6)
"Foundling Fathers"(7)
"Fourteen Years Ago?"(5)
"Fox Views" (3)
"Frack You" (7)
"Frances Died Today"(7)
"Fred's Dead Head" (3)
"Free at Last"
"Free Hidden Telecast"(4)
"Freedom? Hell No" (3)
"Friend by Your Side" (3)
"Friend by your Side" (4)
"Friendly Persuasion" (5)
"Friends of Bill" (7)
"Frist Friends"
"Frodo and Housman" (2)
"Frodo and Jesus"
"Frodo and Revere?"(7)
"Frodo And Truckers (2)"
"Frodo Dissents" (6)
"Frodo Not Foggo (2)"
"Frodo of Arabia(2)"
"Frodo Op" (5)
"Frodo Regrets"
"Frodo Study Group" (2)
"Frodo visits Bilbo"
"Frodo's Almanac"(9)
"Frodo's Bad Day"
"Frodo's Book Club"(5)
"Frodo's Dilemma" (3)
"Frodo's Faux Pas" (3)
"Frodo's Final Four" (3)
"Frodo's Foreign Policy"
"Frodo's Hall of Fame"(4)
"Frodo's Newer Friend"(6)
"Frodo's Retirement"(8)
"Frodo's Revenge"
"Frodo's Revenge"(7)
"Frodo's Solutions" (6)
"Frodo's Xmas Story"(6)
"Frodo, James Frodo" (3)
"Furriners" (4)
"Gainful Employment" (3)
"Galadriel Is No More"(3)
"Gandalf's Challenge (2)"
"Garland Duesenberry" (2)
"Gas Guzzler A-Go-Go"
"Gasp, Wheeze (2)"
"Gay Faux Holes" (5)
"Genarlow de Chariot" (3)
"Genesis Ignored" (3)
"Geneva Accords Redux"
"Geography Lesson" (3)
"George to the Rescue"(3)
"Georgia on my Mind"(3)
"Getting Your Wish" (3)
"Gidget Goes Gondor"(7)
"Gimme Head With Hair"(3)
"Girls Night Out" (6)
"Give 'em Hell, Tom" (5)
"Give Heath a Chance (2)"
"Give Us Your Tired. . ."
"Giving Way to Anger" (2)
"Glenn Frey"(11)
"Glory Days"
"Goin' Home" (3)
"Gondor Goodfellas"(9)
"Gondor Gravitas" (3)
"Good Cop" (7)
"Good Day America" (6)
"Good Friday It Was"(9)
"Good Friday, Maybe"(11)
"Good Ol Mountain Dew"(5)
"Good Son"
"Goodbye Kids (2)"
"Goodbye, Ethan" (2)
"Goodman is Hard to Find"
"Goose Again"
"GOP Convention" (3)
"Gotta Have a Home (2)"
"Grading on a Curve"
"Graffiti Government" (2)
"Great American Hero"
"Great American Hero" (2)
"Greatest Duet Ever"(6)
"Greed is Good"(5)
"Greetings" (8)
"Grissom not Gruesome"(4)
"Groupies for Edwards"(4)
"Guess We Forgot?"(8)
"Guest Workers (2)"
"Guns of August" (7)
"Guts of August" (3)
"Gwinnett Again?" (3)
"Halo, 1,2,3?" (3)
"Ham I Am" (3)
"Handi-Wipes" (3)
"Hang 'em High" (2)
"Hanky Time, Ladies"
"Happens in Threes"(5)
"Happy Anniversary"(9)
"Happy Mardi Gras"(2)
"Harpo Speaks"
"Harry" (2)
"Harry's Bar-Venice" (2)
"Hatfield-vs-McCoy"
"Hawkeye, Redux"(7)
"Haz Mat" (3)
"He Ate the Olive!"(7)
"He is deeply missed (2)"
"He Picks Up Poop?" (5)
"He Took De Bait" (8)
"He's 'Little Ricky'?"(7)
"Healthcare for Frodo"(5)
"Heart Soar Like Hawk"(5)
"Heck of an Engineer"(7)
"Hedge Fund Hippies" (3)
"Heeeerrre's Frodo" (3)
"Heeere's Johnny" (6)
"Heeerrrre's Frodo" (3)
"Hello, Mr. Wilson" (5)
"Hello? Central?" (3)
"Help Wanted"
"Helping Frodo" (4)
"Here Come da Judge" (2)
"Here Come da Judge" (6)
"Here Kitty-Kitty" (4)
"Here Kitty-kitty"(5)
"Here's Help, Now Leave"
"Here's Your Watch" (3)
"Hi Jinx" (5)
"Hide Anythin' Edible"(5)
"High Chair" (2)
"Hobbits And a Truck"(4)
"Hold On Romo" (2)
"Hold the Malaise" (4)
"Homeless"
"Honey Dew List"(9)
"Hopalong Frodo"(9)
"Horn of Africa (2)"
"Horse Latitudes" (6)
"Horsehockey" (3)
"Hosea Can You See" (3)
"Hosea Can You See?" (3)
"Hot Tamale" (3)
"Hotel Plimhimmon"(9)
"HOV or DOA?" (3)
"How Dogs Love Us" (10)
"How Many Delegates?"
"How Many Delegates?" (3)
"How Now Broun Cow"(8)
"Hraka" (4)
"Huckleberry Hound" (3)
"Hund Scheisse CSI" (5)
"Hungarian Answer" (4)
"I Believe in Music (2)"
"I can hope, can't I?"(9)
"I Could Cry" (2)
"I Inspired You?"
"I say it's Spinach. . ."
"I'll Get Back to You"(3)
"I'll Huff and Puff" (4)
"I'll Take a Vowel"
"I'm Baaack" (2)
"I'mSo In LoveWithYou"(7)
"Ides of March Again" (4)
"Ides of Texas" (6)
"IED's in Congress" (2)
"If Frodo Ran The DHS"(5)
"If It Ain't OneThing"(5)
"If the truth be told"(6)
"If You Remember,Then"(6)
"If" (6)
"Imagine,General Newt"(6)
"Imitation of Life" (5)
"Immigration Reform (2)"
"Impregnated"(10)
"In a Galaxy Far Away(2)"
"In a Pig's Eye" (4)
"In Dog We Trust" (10)
"In the Beginning"
"In the Beginning" (3)
"Incomparable Moron" (4)
"Indoor Toilets Rule" (4)
"Intersex Village" (2)
"Interstate Parking (2)"
"Ion Propulsion"(7)
"Iran's Tom Hayden"
"Irish Spring"(3)
"Is it in the Water?"
"Is That in America?" (2)
"Is You da One,Jimmy?"(3)
"Islamic Fundamentals"(8)
"Isn't Amnesty Good?"(3)
"Isn't Change Good?"(6)
"It's A Trap" (6)
"It's Just a Movie"
"It's Just Business"
"Ja, Wir Konnen."
"Jack Crabb" (10)
"Jambo Jumbo" (3)
"Japanese Movie?" (3)
"Je suis Frodo"(10)
"Jefferson Rock" (3)
"Jes' the facts Ma'am"(4)
"Jim Crow" (5)
"Joad Family Reunion?"(6)
"Joad Jobs" (4)
"Joe Soptic" (8)
"Jonestown Redux" (3)
"Jose and Claudia" (4)
"Joshua Generation" (3)
"Just Another Day" (3)
"Just Clearin' Brush"(3)
"Just Desserts (2)"
"Just Desserts" (7)
"Just Say 'Nyet'"(7)
"Just to CU Smile" (5)
"Kandy Kakes 2"
"Ken Meets Jack"
"Key Word Apology" (6)
"Killer's Geraldine" (4)
"Kilowatts Per Mile" (6)
"Kiribati Republic"(6)
"Kirk Saves Nemo"
"Kiss a Girl Goodbye"(2)
"Knew You Not Pompey?"(3)
"Kodak Moment" (2)
"Kool Sailboat" (4)
"Korea, Korea" (2)
"Kudlow's Kreeps"(4)
"Lady of Rohan" (3)
"Land Ho"(8)
"Lean and Hungry " (2)
"Leeward, I Say, Leeward"
"Legs Diamond" (3)
"Legs" (3)
"Leslie" (4)
"Lessons Learned" (2)
"Let Them Eat Cake"
"Let's Bake Cookies" (3)
"Let's Play A Game" (6)
"Letter Home" (6)
"Letter to Lou" (4)
"Liberal Lament" (40)
"Lief, Leaf, or Loaf"(8)
"Life In A Red State"
"Lights of Chicago"
"Like a Barack" (2)
"Limbaugh Hero"(7)
"Lime Bandits" (3)
"Lime is on my side" (6)
"Limestone Cowboys" (3)
"Lip Smackin' Good?"(6)
"Little Big Horn (2)"
"Little Houdini" (5)
"Little Sky"
"Littlest Angel" (2)
"Livin' is Easy?"(7)
"Loans and Deposits" (4)
"Lois, I Never Lie"(8)
"Lonely Avenue" (3)
"Lonesome Frodo" (3)
"Look away Dixieland"(6)
"Look for da Union Label"
"Look Who's Talkin'" (2)
"Lookin' Back, Texas" (3)
"Lost Weekend"(8)
"Low Water, Slow Flow"(3)
"Lox? Or Locks?" (7)
"Lunatic Cattle Call"(8)
"M-G-M Material"
"Ma Bell is Baaack" (3)
"Ma Bell Lives" (7)
"Macaca, Your Macaca" (2)
"Mad Dogs&Englishmen"(6)
"Made You Look" (6)
"Magic Fridge (2)"
"Magic Moments"(7)
"Make Jobs, Not War"(7)
"MaMa's Little Babies"(3)
"Man For All Seasons" (2)
"Man of the Century"
"Man Up, Harry"(6)
"Man's Best Friend?"
"Many happy returns"
"March Forth" (8)
"Marking Time" (3)
"Martyr Magic" (2)
"Marvelous Mac"(8)
"Mary Lee & Genie"(8)
"Master of None" (8)
"MatriculationMadness"(5)
"May Day, Comrade"(7)
"Maynard G. Krebs" (7)
"McCan't"(9)
"Medal of Honor" (6)
"Media is the Message(2)"
"Media Reporting" (6)
"Memories"(10)
"Mental Healthcare" (4)
"Michelle, my Belle"(7)
"Mick's Day"(8)
"Mickey and Me"(6)
"MidSummer Nights Dream"(7)
"Mikileaks" (6)
"Missionary Position" (3)
"Missionary Position" (7)
"Mississipp' Sippin'"(2)
"Mister Roberts" (8)
"Moamar:The Movie"(7)
"Mohair Sam" (5)
"Mon Petit Shoe"(4)
"Monkeys in Mississippi"
"Moody Blue"(7)
"Moody" (7)
"Mooman" (3)
"Moon Over Miami"(4)
"Mooosic" (5)
"Moovin' On Up" (2)
"Mordor or Antarctica?"
"More Than Some" (4)
"Moultrie Poultry" (3)
"Mount Mulch" (2)
"Movin' On Up" (2)
"Mr. Toad's Motorcar (2)"
"Mudbums"(9)
"Mumbai, My Lord" (4)
"Murtha For President(2)"
"N. Leroy" (7)
"Name That Tune"(4)
"Nascaroil" (4)
"Nat King Cole Sucks"(5)
"NCAA---Blech!" (7)
"Nein, nein, nein"(7)
"Never Doubt Bilbo"
"Never heard of him"
"Nevermore"(6)
"New Life, Old Leaves"(4)
"Newest Friend"(8)
"Newman's Own" (4)
"Newt/Mitt '12" (3)
"Next Case" (6)
"Next Door Neighbors" (3)
"NFL Commissioner (2)"
"NFL Trade" (3)
"Nielsen Ratings" (2)
"Nine Months PG" (7)
"Nixon Agonistes" (3)
"Nkosi"
"No Faux News?" (3)
"No Googling Allowed"(4)
"No Humor Today"
"No Peanut Left Behind"
"No Sale" (3)
"No, Not Russian" (4)
"No-No, No" (3)
"Nobody Even Asked"(8)
"Noo Yawk Stateamind"(2)
"Not a Bang,a Whimper"(7)
"Not Funny, Dr Jones"(5)
"Not North Carolina" (6)
"Not Percy Sledge?" (3)
"Not Percy Sledge?"(3)
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Southern Pine Beetles"(4)
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Frodo, Keeper of the Ring
Sunday, January 13, 2008
My Future Lies Beyond The Yellow Brick Road
Mood:  d'oh
Topic: "Truckin' for Isaiah" (3)

The Brotherhood of the Ring was formed to defeat Sauron's quest for possession of the Ring itself.  Destroying the Ring, by casting it into the fires at Mount Doom, was the task taken by Frodo and his friends when no one else seemed willing to step forward.  Overcoming the fears of all the Citizens of Middle Earth, the Brotherhood helped to unite all of Man in a struggle against great evil.  It is not to be taken lightly therefore when Frodo takes umbrage with the sanity of some of those who share our small, blue planet.  The following however is a reflection of people whose clocks are wound far too tightly.

In the Old Testament, the Book of Isaiah, Chapter 35, there is a reference in the text to "God's holy highway."  A group of parishoners in Texas (surprise, surprise, surprise) have determined that this reference happens to correspond in logic to Interstate 35 (I-35, as in Isaiah 35), which runs north-and-south from Texas up to Minnesota.  They righteously believe that the Interstate should be legislatively addressed as the "Holiness Highway," in much the same manner that certain aspects of the Interstate Highway System are dubbed for persons, events, or other significant references.  The source of this belief is that 7000 years ago God, obviously, was instructing the righteous as to what they needed to do once Texas had joined the Colonies after obtaining its freedom from Mexico.  It should be noted however, that God would've been very unhappy had this occurred while Texas was in an insurgent state before the end of the Civil War. 

Frodo knows about all of this because he watches CNN.  Frodo believes CNN is actually the "Christian News Network," and that everything he hears there is actually the word of God.  People who complain about CNN are therefore not righteous, and they will be required to spend all of eternity watching re-runs of the New Hampshire Primary.

Frodo has never followed a single lane of the sacred trail to Canada.  Somehow he always looked at that direction as being God forsaken.    


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:56 PM EST
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Saturday, January 12, 2008
Slow Down, You're Movin' Too Fast
Mood:  lucky
Topic: "Dogmobile" (3)

Frodo and Sam, both of whom are certified motorcar drivers, happen to possess three such transportation vehicles.  One of the motorcars serves as Frodo's transportation to-and-from Mount Doom.  Sam's motorcar, is that which was purchased to ensure Sam's safety back-and-forth on the roads which led to the gallant Howard during the last of his days.  That motorcar replaced the motorcar which, predominantly used by Sam, has been used to complete tasks in the Shire, and it is co-piloted by Fiona, and Mick, the Wonder Dog.   Frodo admits that it was his assumption that vehicle number two was to replace vehicle number three.

The problem seems to be that Mick, the Wonder Dog, seeks to maintain possession of vehicle number three.  Most days, while Frodo slaves at Mount Doom and while Sam is otherwise occupied, Mick, the Wonder Dog, engages his agile mind by taking his place in the middle of the back seat of the said "third" vehicle.  The motorcar storage facility is dark and quiet, perhaps allowing Mick, the Wonder Dog, to imagine himself as a canine version of Dale Earnhardt and daydream his way through visions of Daytona and Indianapolis.  Sam recently reported that, on one fine day, Mick, the Wonder Dog, spent five consecutive hours in "his" motorcar.

Frodo's reason tells him that Mick, the Wonder Dog, merely maintains a position which ensures that he will not be left behind should the opportunity for a (shhh, this word must be spelled, for Mick, the Wonder Dog, comprehends the pronunciation of R-I-D-E) arise.  Frodo has thought about it however, and has decided that he might as well apply for a driver's certification on behalf of Mick, the Wonder Dog.  After all, if Mick, the Wonder Dog, has the capability to engage transportation on his own, it may free Sam for more important assignments on behalf of Frodo.  Actually, considering that the certification would come from the State of Georgia, it is not unlikely that Mick, the Wonder Dog, would pass the written exam with a higher score than most.  Imagine if he lived in either Alabama or Texas; he might actually score high enough to be a chauffeur.

The continuing drought has meant that Frodo has been unable to routinely wash the motorcars.  Mick's motorcar, the Wonder Car, is especially unkempt, and inside, the presence of cast-off canine plumage is in sufficient quantity to perhaps weave another dog, if so desired.  There is also an odiferous recognition of continuing doggie presence which strikes even the casual passerby.  This morning Frodo noted a sharp-shinned hawk perched atop the motorcar; perhaps fooled into thinking that the vehicle contained some other edible life form.  It matters not to Mick, the Wonder Dog.  Today he, once again, got to go for a R-I-D-E in his motorcar to the local Publix, where everybody knows his name.

Perhaps Frodo should have named him "Norm."

One thing is for sure, that for as long as he occupies it, and perhaps for a long time thereafter, he is welcome to stay.  Look, dear reader, for a big black dog in an old Volvo Station Wagon, and yell out "Hello Mick, Going for a R-I-D-E?" 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 5:20 PM EST
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Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Said To My Shock, You're On The Wrong Block
Mood:  down
Topic: "Dumb and Dumber" (3)

Bill Schneider, a Pooh Bear masquerading as a political commentator on CNN, was being grilled by Lou Dobbs a few days ago.  Frodo generally watches just enough of Lou Dobbs to hear him refer to the Bush Administration as "incompetent," thereby obtaining his daily fix, and then heads on to some other activity.  He heard something however that caught his attention, and his professorial analytical buttons all started to ignite.  Dobbs, whose "War on the Middle Class" and "Immigration" discussions inspire channel changers all over Middle Earth, queried Schneider as to why "Immigration" was not identified by New Hampshire voters as among their "Top 5" concerns.  "Because," said Schneider, "they weren't asked."

Dobbs was speechless, since he consistently refers to "Immigration" as one off the most discussed concerns by nearly everyone with whom he associates.  Schneider went on to explain that, in New Hampshire, a consortium of polling organizations had "honed down" the topics identified.  The pollsters had unilaterally decided that "Immigration" was probably not that big an issue, and therefore did not include it in the list made available to respondees.  Dobbs was ready to shoot somebody, and Frodo just stood there, shaking his head.

Dear reader, the scientist with whom most of us have the most frequent contact is the medical practitioner.  The "doctor" examines us when we don't feel good, and he, or she, does so by asking us questions and examining suspected sources for our discomfort.  Imagine, if you will, what might be the consequence if the "doctor" left out one of the "tests" which a conscientious diagnostician would automatically include in a routine examination.  Something, indeed, might be overlooked, if only to a single patient.  Why, then, would a professional pollster leave out something, and thereby risk a misjudgment of fact?

Frodo's analysis of the results of the New Hampshire Primary does not reflect anything beyond the numbers.  Projections for a close-to double digit percentage victory by Barack Obama were levelled by a single-digit victory by Hillary Clinton.  Given the fact that nearly every other aspect of prediction was "on the button," it is logical to concentrate entirely on the variance between these two candidates.  The "swing" between the "projection" and the "result" was approximately 20,000 total votes.  20,000 voters, in other words, did something other than what the pollsters predicted.  That represents about 4% of the total votes cast.

Frodo leaves the pundits as this point.  20,000 voters does not represent a lot of people telling somebody they would vote for a black guy, then doing something else.  20,000 voters does not represent total feminine outrage against an unfair process.  20,000 voters does not represent a significant presence, or absence, by any group of potential voters.  20,000 voters, to Frodo, represent the emotional swing that falls one way or another on any given day in any given election involving a half-million voters or so.  Could a "sob story" have produced enough empathy to have influenced 20,000 voters?  Would it not have been wise for the pollsters to have asked?

If those voters were black, or female, or Jewish, or Latino, among others, and they identified themselves with the discomfort of the candidate, the answer is "Undoubtedly."  Frodo adds, that in a multi-candidate environment, such as a Primary, the probability is increased by the potential lack of committment to any single candidate.  What may be true in New Hampshire, may not be the case when an election is "Mano-a-Mano" (with all due apologies to Non-Manos).

Tell me Frodo ain't the cat's pajamas when it comes to post-election analysis?  Tim Russert can eat his shorts.

 

     


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:55 PM EST
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Monday, January 7, 2008
I Think I Could Stay With You For a While, Maybe Longer
Mood:  smelly
Topic: "Handi-Wipes" (3)

Frodo has been thinking about what life would be like in the Shire once the Ring is destroyed.  These were the kind of thoughts he knew as a young Hobbit, when the future was the only thing in his pocket.  Crippling responsibilities and horizons which are no longer limitless require that he couch every such contemporary dream with the possibility of disappointment.  The enthusiasm he once offered for every morning ray of sunshine is now the satisfaction of a completed evening's voyage.  Such it is that requires he ask of each and every reader to purchase some "Handi-wipes" for future application.  A Great Day is at hand.

On that day to come, a colossal number of "Handi-wipes" will be required in order to erase every fingerprint, every footfall, and indeed every shadow from the house known as White.  "Cleanliness," it is said, "is next to Godliness."  No matter who assumes the role of Aragorn on that Great Day, it will be a monumental task to once again emulate Camelot.  The Maker will expect all of the Citizens of Middle Earth to participate in the douche of anything left behind by the Incomparable Moron.

Those who vote, whether or not in behalf of winner or loser, should wait until the final piece of furniture is loaded onto the last moving van, and then, in alphabetical order, commence to cleanse the floors, the rafters, the baseboards, and the toilets.  All of the bed linens should be soaked in bleach.  Every mirror should be examined to insure that no one can stand on the other side, unobserved.  Telephones and electrical switches should all be cleansed of any variety of "bug."

The Great Day cannot come soon enough.  Frodo hopes that his suggestion will also add to the stock value of the maker of "Handi-wipes."  The boys on Wall Street need all the help we can give them.     


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:09 PM EST
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Saturday, January 5, 2008
Whenever Two or More of You Are Gathered in His Name
Mood:  mischievious
Topic: "Armored Dildos" (3)

The mountainous Hindu State of Himachal Pradesh, previously referenced by Frodo, is under siege, by monkeys.  Tens of thousands of monkeys live in and around the cities, protected by Hindu beliefs, and the consequences have included serious deaths and injury, to human beings.  The Deputy Mayor of New Delhi was killed recently when he fell off a balcony during an attack by 25 wild rhesus macaques (those are monkeys, for any reader from Texas or Alabama).  In a spate of bureaucratic ingenuity, a proposal has been put forth to deal not only with this problem, but with the more traditional problem in the area; that being chronic unemployment.

The State's Chief Minister has proposed that unemployed youths and retirees be put to work sterilizing monkeys.  Persons currently receiving government benefits, i.e. unemployment or a pension, would be trained in the capture and sterilization (utilizing "laser technology") by experts.  Despite protests from conservation groups and political opponents, who respectfully argue that sterilization might actually make some of the monkeys even more aggressive (or certainly a bit disappointed in the conduct of their human friends), Frodo has to admit that he sees some merit in the potential application to similar problems in America.

Throughout the American Southwest and Southeast, the casual traveler will observe a multitude of armadillo corpses alongside the road.  These gentle little marsupials are rather slow and clumsy as they spread throughout the region, and are frequently accidentally slain by motorcars.  Blending the concepts of putting the unemployed to work, and limiting the suffering by these cute little creatures, it certainly seems that there would be utility in training America's unemployed and retirees in capture and sterilization methods for armadillos.  Frodo proposes, therefore that, commencing 381 days from now, all American citizens qualified to receive either unemployment benefits, or a federal pension, be trained to capture and sterilize armadillos before receiving any benefits.

381 days, long enough for us to find something at which he might actually be proficient.  Maybe Arturo Gonzales can hold them down while he practices "shock and awe."

Frodo is actually going to miss not having the Incomparable Moron to kick around anymore (Not).

 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 12:27 PM EST
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Friday, January 4, 2008
If You Can't Be With The One You Want Honey, Love The One You're With
Mood:  cool
Topic: "Irish Spring"(3)

Frodo's grandfather lived to be 96 years old; as if anybody needed confirmation that "the good die young."  A life-long carpenter, he left his wife and eight children for reasons unknown to Frodo.  Frodo's father, then in the seventh-grade, left school in order to find work and to help support the family.  Frodo's father never had the opportunity to return to school, and it was certainly one of the great regrets of his life.  The Depression, the War, and then Frodo, following in sequence, dictated his priorities for the rest of his life.

Frodo's grandfather lived all alone in a small home in Virginia.  The living room and bedroom were the same, and the toilet was outside.  Despite all that had transpired, Frodo's father regularly visited, and Frodo very often went along.  At that time, Frodo never understood much about the situation, but he did have conversations with his grandfather.  In fact, when Frodo first met Sam, he took Sam along to meet his grandfather, and in their only meeting, Frodo's grandfather pulled out a banjo and proceeded to serenade Sam with the song "A Girl From Sunny Tennessee."  No one in the family knew that he could play-and-sing, much less that he even owned a banjo.

All of this is relevant today because Frodo's grandfather was an avowed racist.  Frodo remembers asking his grandfather why he hated black people so much, and he heard him say "Because they smell bad.  They don't bathe."  Frodo quickly assumed that a working man was most often around other working people, all of whom sweat, and that smell is accentuated in close quarters.  Perhaps, thought Frodo, that was the reason for his grandfather's misunderstanding of the facts, and why he felt the way he did.

One day, while Frodo's father and grandfather walked through the apple orchard in his yard, Frodo sat on his grandfather's bed watching the Washington Senators play the Baltimore Orioles on the black-and-white.  As they returned to the house, a commercial came on for "Irish Spring" soap, and the video featured a black man taking a shower in the rich lather of the sponsor.  Frodo, in his exuberance, pointed to the TV screen and said something to the effect that grandpa was the one who was "all wet," because right there was a black man taking a shower.  The look that his grandfather gave to him was, and is, indelibly etched in the mind of Frodo.  The face of hatred is something probably seen by all at some point, but the face of racial hatred is something experienced in a way like no other.  Frodo never brought up any discussions with his grandfather about such issues ever again.  Frodo attended his grandfather's funeral, and could not help but hope that what he represented to Frodo would also die and be buried with him.

Last night, Frodo watched something very important happen.  Above all else however, Frodo was struck by the most seemingly innocuous.  Chris Matthews, on the pre-election coverage, asked his panel of Pat Buchanan, Eugene Robinson, Howard Fineman, and the alluring young lady from "Air America" (whose name Frodo cannot recall at this moment), after all the hoopla and the predictions about the Iowa Caucuses had been completed, who each thought would win in a hypothetical presidential head-to-head contest vis-a-vis other contenders.  When posed with the question of "McCain-vs-Obama", each hesitated before stating "McCain."  It was if each was finding it hard to accept that the "feel-good" was real.

Hours later there is indeed something in the air.  Frodo likes to think it is the green aroma of Irish Spring. 

 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:16 AM EST
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Thursday, January 3, 2008
I've Seen It Raining Fire in The Sky
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: "Case of Packy Stann"(3)

"Good Evening Mrs. Hudson, is Mr. Frodo available?"

"Of course Inspector LeStrade. I can hear him playing the violin, and I know that Dr. Sam is with him.  You can go right up to his room at the top of the stairs, with a "B" on the door."

"Inspector LeStrade, how are you?  And to what do we owe the pleasure of your visit this fine evening?"

"Good Evening Mr. Frodo, Dr. Sam, I appreciate you seeing me without having called for an appointment, but it is a matter of utmost urgency."

"Well, what can I do for Scotland Yard's premier Chief of Detectives?"

"Mr. Frodo, Scotland Yard has been asked to assist in the investigation of the assassination of Ms. Benazir Bhutto in Pakistan.  As you may know, the current government leader, Pervez Musharraf, was scheduled to run in opposition to Ms. Bhutto, and has been heavily criticized for inadequate protection for her, thereby resulting in her death.  The result being that elections have been postponed, and the influence of radical ideological elements poses a grave threat to the security of a nation with nuclear weaponry."

"Yes, I understand all of that.  Surely the greatest police investigative force in the World is up to such a challenge."

"Well, I'm not so sure Mr. Frodo.  It seems, and few people realize, that in 1951 a similar assassintion occurred in almost exactly the same spot, and despite the efforts of my predecessors, that case was never solved."

"I see.  You suspect a serial assassin?  Or perhaps someone merely copying the 'success' of a murder occurring 57 years ago?"

"I have no idea Frodo, that is why I came to see you.  I foresee great obstacles to be thrown in the path of the investigation, and felt that. . ."

"Perhaps I could operate out of the public eye and discover the true facts?"

"Exactly."

"See here Frodo."

"Yes Sam?"

"Don't you think Scotland Yard is perfectly capable of mucking this up on its' own?  Why should you imperil your reputation when this whole 'investigation' is merely a set-up to fail?"

"Your point is well-taken Sam, but as Englishmen we owe our service to the Queen, and right now she needs our assistance."

"Thank you Mr. Frodo."

"Not at all Inspector.  Come Sam, let us allow Inspector LeStrade to go back to his duties, and we'll make preparations for our train ride to Islamabad."

Some time passes.  Scene shifts from 221B Baker Street, to the Dining Car of the Darjeeling Express.

"I say Frodo, do you think we will ever get to Pakistan?"

"No Sam. I truly do not.  You see, I expect that those responsible for the assassination of Bhutto will never allow us to get into Pakistan and, assuming my deductions are correct, will try to do so on this train."

"You do?  Frodo, why haven't you shared this with me?  Do you have any suspects?"

"Patience old boy, I did not seek to alarm you and perhaps thereby alert the culprits to our awareness of their dastardly plan."

"I see.  Well Frodo, what do you suggest we do?"

"Finish your dinner, dear Sam.  Don't miss the curried shrimp; they are divine."

END OF PART ONE, TO BE CONTINUED

Gives you something, other than the results of the deliberations by one-sixth of one percent of the American electorate, to look forward to when next you visit.    

 

 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:04 AM EST
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Monday, December 31, 2007
Don't Tell Me I Don't Know
Mood:  lyrical
Topic: "Weepy Seepy Peepee"(3)

Selma Alabama is the daughter of one-song-singer Lee Roy Festus.  She is the performing idol of every pre-teen-age white girl with a fear of zits, and is commencing a World Tour, dubbed by Frodo as "Madonna in a Training Bra."  Parents everywhere are suffering considerable effort, if not expense, in order to obtain tickets to nearby concerts in behalf of their offspring.  Frodo, who has attended a concert or two in his time, although he cannot recall a single instance in which admission was paid by someone other than himself, does remember skipping meals in order to finance admission to see The Rolling Stones.  Perhaps this is why he examines the phenomenon of "Charity Auctions" and other such extreme measures to provide gift tickets.  Has the concept of lemonade stands disappeared from the American lexicon?

Apparently, much more than hard work has changed in recent days.  It seems that one enterprising Mother, frustrated by her inability to obtain tickets for her pre-teenager to attend a Selma Alabama performance in her hometown, entered a contest in order to win tickets to said concert.  The contest was to select the best essay to support "Why I Should Win Selma Alabama Concert tickets."  Writing on behalf of her daughter, the Mothers' essay began, "My Dad was killed in Iraq. . ."  Needless to say, the winning entry was an easy selection, except for the fact that it was not true.

Imagine the chagrin, and perhaps the lesson learned, of the young girl, when it was announced that her Mother's bald-faced lie meant that the tickets were canceled.   Imagine further the message conveyed by the very defensive response of the Mother who stated publicly that "Extreme measures are often called for under emergency circumstances." 

Just like 9-11, Frodo supposes.  Perhaps Plato was correct, after all.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:36 AM EST
Updated: Monday, December 31, 2007 12:07 PM EST
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Sunday, December 30, 2007
I Kicked The Blankets On The Floor
Mood:  not sure
Topic: "Potty Training" (3)

Frodo has just returned from what developed to be a second trip to Bilbo's bedside.  The first trip was in response to a case of pneumonia and requisite hospitalization, followed by the need for Frodo and Sam to arrange in-home healthcare for Bilbo's return.  Despite the travails resulting from the poorly-marked trail to wellness, Frodo and Sam were able to safely return to the Shire for a dose of normalcy.  Having previously planned for an excursion to observe the cetacean masters of the universe, Frodo and Sam were able to swing through and visit Bilbo on the way home to the Shire.  What they had not planned was for Bilbo to again require hospitalization.

Colitis is similar to an auto-immune disease in that it often develops simply because the body is fighting what it perceives to be an alien presence.  The colon becomes the battleground where white blood cells, in this case, confronted the vast amouint of antibiotics pumped to the forefront of Bilbo's struggle against respiratory difficulty.  On Christmas Eve, Bilbo was struck by excruciating pain which required the assistance of the proud public servants of emergency treatment, and hospitalization. 

Hospitals are not fun places to begin with, but Christmas Eve in rooms waiting for test results is punishment.  When finally the diagnosis was made, Bilbo was admitted to the hospital, and remains there to this moment.  Frodo however, has more than one battle to fight at a time, so his presence was also required back at the Shire.  Arrangements had to be made within his family for others to sally forth and be there to help Bilbo through the treatment phase, and to re-establish Bilbo's homecoming.  Before he left, Frodo received the bill for the first of Bilbo's hospitalizations.

For basically one week of service, Bilbo's insurance was billed for more than $40,000.  10% of the charges were for "Other Services."

After Frodo's heart started again, he was pleased to note that insurance covered all but $500.  This figure would not require the sale of Bilbo's residence, but Frodo did not merely breathe deep and express gratitude for what was a "close call."  Rather, he began to get just a little angry that a figure of more than $4,000 could be treated as "other," and not be identified item-by-item.  Frodo also noted that $40,000 was more than Frodo's father had ever made in any single year.  Without careful and gratuitous planning, Bilbo would not only be facing physical worries, but the finances would make recovery almost beyond the realm of reason.  

Frodo once joked to Bilbo, upon the purchase of a personal computer and teaching Bilbo how to use it only to discover that Bilbo had never learned to type, that going over the same things with Bilbo again-and-again was payback for the potty training that Bilbo performed on behalf of Frodo.  The reality, as opposed to the humor, is that Frodo also has to deal with financial concerns in the same manner as did Bilbo when the unknown expenses of education and maturation lay before young Frodo.  Money, Frodo supposes, is something that none ever completely escape as a concern.

This morning, Frodo listened to several political candidates talk, at length.  He paid close attention to any comments reflecting upon his increasing personal familiarity with the realities of healthcare.  Mixing the reality of need with the votes of the electorate has foiled many capable political leaders during Frodo's lifetime.  The fiscal problems increase over time, and the potential for personal tragedy grows as more and more follow in the footsteps of Frodo.

Bilbo could return home today.  Bilbo will not be able to continue that lifestyle indefinitely.  That, however, is another problem.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 12:47 PM EST
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Friday, December 28, 2007
It's Enough to Make Kings and Vagabonds Believe the Very Best
Mood:  sad
Topic: "Wrong Again, Frodo"(3)

Every once in a while, Frodo learned, it is important to admit an error.  Despite the reasonable assumption that Benazir Bhutto was nothing more than Ahmed Chalabi in a swirl of skirts and scarves, the truth is that she was, indeed, much more than what Frodo declared.  Her assassination left a gaping hole in the political landscape of what is truly a tinder box among nations.  Despite all her weaknesses and foibles, Ms. Bhutto was a symbol of non-totalitarianism in a part of the world where people are evidently simply trying to live lives as they see fit.  Frodo overlooked that fact, and for that, he is truly embarrassed.

John Fitzgerald Kennedy, in purely historical terms, was a philanderer who made monumental mistakes.  He accomplished very little, and he openly consorted with organized crime figures while serving as President.  Despite all that, he inspired a generation to devote their energies in service to their country.  His death championed an unparalleled surge in domestic legislation which the oldest democracy on Earth had failed to implement.  He was, it seems, not much different from Benazir Bhutto; easily subject to criticism in practice, but inspirational in theory.

Frodo is ashamed of his cynicism.  Perhaps the madness of the Incomparable Moron, and the incompetence of the puppetry in Iraq clouded his jaded eyes.  In any event, Frodo laments the death, nay, the passing, of a courageous and inspirational leader.  Pakistan, and all the world, is poorer tonight.   Frodo hopes that from the loss there springs a consequence of greater value to the community of Man.  


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:51 PM EST
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