Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Bird, Bird, Bird is the Word
Mood:

lucky
Topic: "Black Gold, Texas Tea"
The last documented sighting of an Ivory-Billed Woodpecker took place before Frodo was born (it also occurred before the end of his Mother's first trimester, but that is a subject for another time). Last year, after a reported sighting, a team of scientists took off for the Atchafalaya River Basin in Louisiana to verify the existence of a creature believed to be extinct. That unsuccessful expedition has been supplemented by the documented sighting last month in the Cache River Wilderness in Eastern Arkansas.

Frodo has often thought about hiding places. When he was in school, roads leading away from the Shire were designated as "emergency escape routes" in the event of an atomic bomb threat. Today, those same roads are parking lots from one end to the other, and the solutions of fifty years ago now fall to the new, improved Department of Homeland Security. The collective future is quite bleak, even with duct tape and cellophane. If Frodo were an Ivory-Billed Woodpecker, he could fly to some remote location in search of refuge, but where?

The Atchafalaya Basin of Louisiana was a logical choice, until Huey Long built elevated roadways, allowing Texans to escape their little bit of living Hell. They brought their guns, their gas-guzzlers, and their children without necks to every available spit of dry land. No Ivory-Billed Woodpecker in his right mind would tarry in that vicinity.

Eastern Arkansas was a logical choice, basically because nobody ever heard of the place until some "red state partisan" started complaining about skullduggery at something called "Whitewater." Soon the area slipped back into anonymity, and that allowed the Ivory-Billed Woodpecker to set up housekeeping and commencing a search for ants, caterpillars, and other Ivory-Billed Woodpeckers who would not offend the sanctity of Marriage.

There remains a concern, however, and it involves those morons from Texas. It seems we've developed a shortage of fossil fuels, and we haven't felt sufficient priority to develop replaceable alternatives. Nearly every Wildlife refuge within spitting distance apparently sits atop a geologically undisturbed quart of crude oil. Our gallant leader, who just happens to hail from Texas, doesn't seem worried about the threat to a bird of any kind.

"Bird? Boy, we got birds all over Texas. There's Lady Bird, and there's Lynda Bird, and all sorts of birds, and we've drilled all over the place, and they don't seem at all bothered by the oil rigs."

Sigh, life would've been so much better today if the Alamo had been in Vancouver. Bush would be President of Canada.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:52 PM EDT

Updated: Thursday, April 28, 2005 9:03 PM EDT

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Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Devil With a Blue Dress On
Mood:

suave
Topic: "QVC and Dorothy"
Not until Ted Turner colorized movies produced in black-and-white did Frodo have any concern about picture tint prior to Cinemascope. It would not take a rocket scientist to correctly assume that yellow was the dominant hue in the "yellow brick road" of THE WIZARD OF OZ. Frodo never really wondered about the color of Dorothy's hair, her dress, or even her eyes. Some things were simply subordinate to the story itself.

Judy Garland wore a plain "jumper" over a blouse, with socks and at least two pairs of shoes throughout the classic film. Ted Turner divulged the secret that the Depression-era dress was an off shade of blue, nearly gray. Frodo thought it was an inappropriate fashion statement, simply because the starkness of black-and-white better portrayed the bleak Kansas landscape.

Today the actual dress was put up for auction at Christie's. For all his wisdom and insight into humanity, it is quite clear that when it comes to fashion, Frodo don't know squat. Dear reader, take a guess at how much the winning bid was for this simple dress?

$252,000.

George W. Bush is the first American President to receive an annual salary greater than the sales price of Dorothy's dress. In Frodo's humble opinion, the dress is a better buy.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:27 PM EDT

Updated: Wednesday, April 27, 2005 8:31 PM EDT

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Tuesday, April 26, 2005

The World is Full of Wondrous Things It's True
Mood:

cool
Topic: "A Code in My Node"
Sam is losing a battle in sinus cavities. Despite the deployment of sufficient chemical weaponry to have truly justified the Iraqi incursion, noble Sam is a Spartan at the Bridge of Thermopylae. The malaise which accompanies this plague gives Sam the appearance of Jimmy Carter, wrapped in a sweater in front of a fireplace, trying to reason with the unreasonable. There is no solution, seven percent or otherwise.

If George W. Bush really wanted to do something to establish his legacy, he would not be wasting his time trying to convince people that he has a better idea for Social Security. By the same token, he would scotch all discussion of another manned trip to some heavenly body. If he really had a clue, he would summon all his medical practitioners, including the magical Dr. Frist, and instruct them to cure the common cold.

Could you imagine the benefit to mankind, and to the restoration of American standing around the world? People might honestly forget about the incompetence, the negligence, the deception, the lawlessness, the arrogance, the stupidity, the malice, the mismanagement, the bigotry, the pain if he simply had the good sense to do something for everyone, not just for his own ego.

There are Hobbits who believe that the pharmaceutical companies have conspired with the Administration to prevent the implementation of this medical geophysical effort. The loss of income to these corporate entities would mean a significant reduction in their financial support as contributors. If that is true, then Sam may be in a terminal situation.

Imagine, if you will, that someday a social paleontoligist comes across documentary evidence in some forgotten floppy disks in the belly of the Archives, that every analgesic product developed after 1970 was structured to maintain nausea rather than end it. All of these decongestants and antihistamines were designed to continue suffering, not shorten it. Just imagine.

Wonder if anybody ever developed a hangover remedy in Crawford?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:44 PM EDT

Updated: Wednesday, April 27, 2005 8:03 PM EDT

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Sunday, April 24, 2005

The Green, Green Grass of Home
Mood:

loud
Topic: "Bush Press Conference"
While Frodo nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, and he heard the President ask, "Mr. Frodo, do you have a question?" There Frodo stood, with the Presidential seal directly in front of him, and a smirking monkey leering over the podium. On Frodo's chest there was a laminated picture ID that read, albeit upside down, "White House Press Corps." There were lights everywhere, and Frodo blinked wordlessly.

"Are we keeping you up Mr. Frodo?," wisecracked the humorless midget. With laughter behind and in front of him, Frodo set his jaw and asked, "Thank you Mr. President, I do have a question, and that question is just what part of 'Illegal Alien' is it that you do not seem to understand?"

He had not used that glare since the first debate with Al Gore. The room was silent as he stumbled for words. A hum arose from the area behind his neck where the radio receiver was attached. The strings attached to his hands and feet began to wiggle. Beads of sweat formed on his upper lip in a Nixonesque salute. Slowly he turned, step-by-step, until he confronted Frodo nose to nose, and said "Would you repeat the question?"

"Yes sir, I will be glad to. Just what part of the phrase 'Illegal Alien' do you not understand? For your benefit sir, let me just add that we are a nation of immigrants, and nearly all of our forefathers came to this country under the procedures of the time. They followed the law. Now, you sir, seem positioned to justify the existence of immigrants who failed to follow the procedures that currently exist. Isn't it your Constitutional obligation to ensure the domestic tranquility by enforcing the law? Isn't it your responsibility to recognize that that which is obtained illegally cannot be recognized as legal? Just what is it that makes you think that an 'Illegal Alien' is anything other than a subject for deportation?"

"Mr. President, let me follow up that question by stating that an effort to ease human suffering, and to provide opportunity to all the world's people is a great goal worthy of any 'Compassionate Conservative,' but how can you not enforce the law? Who died and made you Pope?"

Suddenly a raven landed on the microphone atop the podium with the Presidential Seal. He looked around the room, and in his best gullah accent said, "De Tar Baby, He say nuttin'."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 5:47 PM EDT

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Saturday, April 23, 2005

Busted Flat in Baton Rouge
Mood:

not sure
Topic: "You Take the High Road"
Frodo loves picking the NCAA Final Four almost as much as he enjoys charting the NFL Draft. Particularly on Draft Day, comparing his analysis of the gains made by teams he likes, and the mistakes made by those whom he abhors is a purely subjective use of hypocrisy. It doesn't hurt anyone, and it gives him the opportunity to communicate with brave Boromir, ever loyal to his Viking horde.

The first selectee this day was 20 years old. He is instantly endowed with assets that will exceed all that Frodo will earn in a lifetime. This young man may never accomplish anything, but he will never face financial hardship. In all likelihood, if not already (since he attended Utah), he will be a Republican. He will seek to minimize his tax liability, and he will have little experience with the struggles of life in modern-day America.

Nearly all of the selectees are black. Listening to the post-selection interviews, Frodo heard one young man use the phrase "y,know" more than twenty times in simply describing how he feels. There is a mindful parallel to the supporting cast of characters in "The Gladiator," starring Russell Crowe. Adored for their feats of skill, ridiculed for their social skills, the selectees this day differ from gladiators only in the specifics of objective. The gladiator fought to live, the selectees play football to make lots of money.

Frodo remembers a name from one such day as this a long time ago. Joe Romig was an offensive lineman at the University of Colorado, and he was, by all accounts, far superior in ability to anyone else in that genre. He was the second overall player drafted that particular year. Joe Romig never played a day of professional football, in fact he never signed a contract. Joe Romig, remembers Frodo, wanted, more than anything, to be a doctor. Joe Romig turned down the riches of the NFL to go to Medical School.

Frodo supposes that it would not be too terribly difficult to find out what has since happened to Joe Romig. However, it is an anonymity that Frodo feels deserves respect, for a lot of reasons.

Of one thing, dear reader, you can be sure, should Frodo someday cross paths with Dr. Romig, Frodo would stand and cheer.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:50 PM EDT

Updated: Friday, April 29, 2005 8:27 PM EDT

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Thursday, April 21, 2005

These Are the Good Old Days
Mood:

hug me
Topic: "Frodo visits Bilbo"
An event like the Birthday of Bilbo draws Hobbits from around the Shire, and Frodo and Sam were in attendance. Merry was not able to attend, but asked Frodo to spend some time with Bilbo to talk about times past. "Note Mr. Frodo that Bilbo was born sometime before, but almost exactly on the day that Franklin Roosevelt died. Enquire, if you will, of what Bilbo remembers of that day?"

Expecting a tearful epiphany, Frodo was struck by the way memories are recalled. "Ah yes Frodo, Bilbo remembers that day very well," and a smile crept across the face of Bilbo. "Remember that we did not have TV, and that the radio was always on so that we could keep up with all that was happening in the War. I was in the kitchen helping to prepare the evening meal in the house where I stayed with relatives. Your uncle, your aunt, and the dwarf Gimli were out in the garden, and I rushed to the door to tell them the terrible news of the death of the President. Just then your uncle snatched up the dwarf, and proceeded to spank him for misbehaving (Frodo believes that cousin Gimli was eating that which he had been instructed to pick)."

Aware of Frodo's expression, Bilbo smiled and said that "Gimli was always reminded of the fact that he cried harder and longer than anyone on the day that Roosevelt died."

Bilbo turned to Frodo and proceeded to talk about the day that John Kennedy was shot. Frodo sensed that the horror of that day was worse than that which was news on the radio. It was seen, and it came into the living room and it stayed there.

Frodo enjoyed the visit with Bilbo, but he is happiest to report that Rocky greeted us at the front door, and he was hungry.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:02 PM EDT

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Wednesday, April 13, 2005

I Wouldn't Have Missed It For the World
Mood:

down
Topic: "The Italian Stallion"
There is something about new construction that attracts Frodo. It was a spring day, 21 years ago, when Frodo and his faithful canine companions, Prissy and Gumbo, went walking through a subdivision being built near the Shire. While watching workmen install a roof, we saw out of the corners of our collective eye a kitten rise over a dirt mound in stalk of we interlopers. While Prissy and Gumbo alerted the world to the threat, Frodo alerted the workmen to the precarious position of their cat. "He ain't ours Mister, he's been hanging around here for days, and we been feedin' him french fries." It should here be noted that Sam was out of town on business.

Prissy was clearly offended that Frodo would be carrying this mortal enemy and interrupting her walk. She liked it even less that Frodo then dared bring this creature into her house. Gumbo, on the other hand, thought this was kind of cool, at least, she must have thought, "I am no longer the smallest and the weakest."

The next morning, before Frodo traveled to Mount Doom, he constructed a makeshift litter box, au natural from the garden, and placed it and the kitten in a bathroom, with the door shut. Knowing that Sam would return before he would, he taped a message, "Open Door Slowly," on the door as he left for his daily tasks.

Frodo expected the telephone call. After explaining what exactly in the hell this was, he noted that Gumbo seemed to like the kitten. "I know," said Sam,"they are taking turns chasing each other from one end of the house to the other." After the long discourse about never having a cat, and not knowing how to take care of one, there was silence on the telephone. And so Rocky came to be a member of the pack and a resident of the Shire.

How strange that over the years, Rocky and Prissy became so close. The grief that struck him upon her death was both visible and moving. So very strange.

Now, more than two decades later, after outliving three dogs, one other cat, a cockatiel, and about $50 worth of freshwater fish, time is taking its' toll. A couple of months ago, Frodo spent two nights with Rocky when he drifted into an apparent lethargic end. Miraculously, Rocky raised himself off the canvas, and deemed the need to once again tangle with Apollo Creed.

Frodo and Sam must now travel to the far end of the Shire. Mick, Fiona, and Georgia are at Camp Kennel, where they salute the flag every morning, drink "bug juice," and add to Frodo's indebtedness. Sydney, the cockatiel and Rocky will be visited by "Miss Ellyn," every day. This time, "Miss Ellyn" has special instructions about what to do if the time comes and Frodo is not there. It would give Frodo great pain not to be in the eye of his friend when the light goes out.

One evening not long ago, Rocky crawled up onto Sam's lap, and that long and distinctive purr was heard around the Shire. Sam picked him up, and Sam looked into those magical eyes, and began to sing, "I wouldn't have missed it for the World. . ."

So very strange.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:34 PM EDT

Updated: Saturday, April 23, 2005 10:58 PM EDT

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Tuesday, April 12, 2005

The Hoot Owl She Hollered, and the Turtle Dove Moaned
Mood:

mischievious
Topic: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys"
Spring has always caused the sap to rise, and Frodo is not immune. One spring many years ago Frodo and Sam took their mid-day meal in a small park in our Nation's Capital. Pippen, always requiring more energy than Frodo, had purchased a jar of peanuts and was energizing himself for the afternoon's assault on Mount Doom (otherwise known as "the office"). Without much hesitation, Frodo and Pippen were soon joined by the world's most populous freeloaders who were not registered Republicans. Pigeons began to gather at our feet.

The assemblage of aviators grew incredibly large, and the peanuts were now the center of conflict. Pippen was amazed, then amused, when Frodo took a handful of the peanuts, rose from the bench, and began an imitation of the Pied Piper of Hamelin. Pigeons, if not in the thousands, certainly in the hundreds, ambled and hovered in his wake as he motored toward "K" Street.

Pippen now joined with Frodo as we waited at the crosswalk before crossing the street, entourage following. The crossing was not without casualties from traffic, but, for the most part, nearly all the participants were in tow as we approached the front door of Mount Doom.

Through the doors, and into the lobby, the following had lessened to a hardy half-hundred or so. Pippen pushed the elevator button, the doors opened, and all the remaining peanuts were scattered into the empty elevator car. When the dozen or so had settled, the doors closed and the "Up" button was pushed.

Legend has it that the Office of Saruman was the eventual nesting spot for the weary travelers. Old ones who were there for the destruction of Mount Doom swear that pigeon eggs and nests were scattered on the ground many years thereafter.

As for Frodo and Pippen, they still tape pictures of Newt Gingrich on the bumpers of each others' car.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:32 PM EDT

Updated: Tuesday, May 10, 2005 8:14 PM EDT

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Monday, April 11, 2005

Ring, Ring Goes the Bell
Mood:

chillin'
Topic: "Blackboard Jungle"
Frodo has learned that Model High School (believe me, even Frodo couldn't have made up that name) in cosmopolitan Rome, Georgia is looking for a few good confidential informants (or CI's as they say on "Law and Order"). Using revenue from the candy and soda machines which populate the school (and, Frodo adds, which impact on the decay and obesity so prevalent in cosmopolitan Rome), the school plans to pay up to $100 for information about thefts, drugs, guns, or other "serious felonies" on campus.

First question, please identify all "non-serious felonies?"

If a student provides information about a theft on campus, in which he or she was not involved, then the student will receive $10. Information about drug possession can yield either $25 or $50. $100 is the yield for information regarding gun possession on campus.

Second question, does Charlton Heston know about the value of guns versus drugs in cosmopolitan Rome?

There is no similar system at nearby, and rival, Rome High School, because students there "have a rapport with the school resources officer and already are comfortable providing information," says Superintendent Gayland Cooper.

Third question, Gayland? Aw come on dude, you're jivin'.

"We feel the reward is the kids knowing they have a safe school," quoth Superintendent Cooper, referring to Rome High. It should be noted that as of this writing, no Model High students have received any rewards. Senior James Parris said that most students already would tell faculty about any such threats against student safety.

Now, here's the hypothetical, let's assume Student A at Model High is a drug dealer. He squeals about Student B who is a computer geek, and says he saw him selling dope to Student C. Student C is in cahoots with Student A. Student C pleads "nolo contendre," and throws himself on the mercy of the Superintendent, stating that his purchase was merely to relieve the pain of the fatal illness which has befallen his grandmother.

I don't know about you, but Frodo lost 17 grandmothers while in high school.

Student A, back to the hypothetical, has now made $100, with which he can, ta da, you got it, buy more drugs. If he has half a brain, he will sell these drugs at Rome High. Let us hope that Student B, when he returns from his time in detention, does not decide to wreak revenge by stealing drugs from Student A with his father's shotgun. Especially if he happens to be named Corleone.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:03 PM EDT

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Sunday, April 10, 2005

Don't You Know Me? I'm Your Native Son
Mood:

lucky
Topic: "Good Son"
Some years ago, Frodo purchased a computer for his Mother for her birthday. With planning aforethought he traveled to Lothlorien to install the instrument where it was to be utilized. He unpackaged it, connected all the cords, plugged it in, turned it on, and lit up the wonders of the Internet to she who was excited by the technological genius of her Son. There was a minor problem, Mom never learned to type.

It was a very long week, lo those five years ago. It seemed that each rising Sun brought Frodo the challenge of re-teaching the prior days' lesson. Given that e-mail was the prime directive, all effort was geared to the magic of Spellcheck and responding directly back to the responder, but to avoid opening attachments. For years after, Frodo has delighted barroom crowds with his spinning yarn which ended with this quotation to his Mother; "Mom, I know that potty-training me must have been hell, but after this sweetheart, we are even."

There is nuance. As Frodo was preparing another visit for another birthday, he was informed that both the monitor and the modem on the original instrument had passed on to that "Silicon Valley in the Sky." Replacing the parts is not cost-effective, so Frodo has ordered another unit, much better than the previous, and much less in cost than the original. Who says that history does not repeat itself?

I'll bet, however, that once the potty-training was completed, that Mom never had to worry about repeating it.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:27 PM EDT

Updated: Sunday, April 10, 2005 9:31 PM EDT

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