Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Wednesday, August 2, 2006

Come on People Now, Smile on Your Brother
Mood:

sad
Topic: "As Far As We Know" (2)

Marine Corporal Phillip E. Baucus, 28, was killed in the line of duty in Iraq this past Saturday. His uncle, United States Senator Max Baucus (D-Montana), made the announcement on Tuesday.

"As far as we know," said Frodo to Sam, "Corporal Baucus is the only family member of any Member of Congress, any Justice of the Supreme Court, or of any elected or appointed official in the Adminstration itself, who has been a casualty of the Pre-Emptive War."

"As far as we know," said Sam, "his nephew was very dear to him."

"As far as we know, he will be interred in Arlington," said Frodo.

"As far as we know, the President of the United States will be on vacation at his ranch in Crawford, where he goes every August," added Sam.

"As far as we know, George W. Armstrong Custer Bush will go down in history as one of only two Presidents who failed to attend a single military funeral during his term of office," offered Frodo. Sam had a quizzical look for Frodo.

"Bill Clinton?"

"Clinton attended services for the young men killed in Somalia."

"George Washington?"

"As far as we know, Washington attended services for several military officers who had served under him during the Revolution."

"Who, then?"

"John Tyler."

"Well, as far as we know," said Sam, "Bush feels that his presence would be a 'distraction' for the family of the decedent. What was Tyler's reasoning?"

"At his Inauguration Tyler suffered exposure to the severe winter weather, caught pneumonia, and died within thirty days."

"Mister Frodo?"

"Yes Sam?"

"Do you think we could stand together for just a few moments in honor of Corporal Baucus?"

"As far as we know Sam, we will not stand alone."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:47 PM EDT

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Tuesday, August 1, 2006

Bird Bird Bird, Bird is The Word
Mood:

lucky

"Mister Frodo, what is that bird doing there by your foot?," asked Sam. Frodo was totally oblivious to the inquiry, but glanced to his left to see a yellow hook-beaked bird looking up at him, expecting some sort of attention. Frodo slowly extended his arm and index finger toward the feet of the bird, and it promptly roosted on his finger. Thus began the odyssey of a new species residing in the Shire.

"Peeper" was later identified as a Lutino cockatiel which, according to the Vet, was worth about $80. The Pet Shop increased the capital investment exponentially, since cages, toys, food, treats, vitamins, and medicines for avian residents were not part of the pet arsenal. The lovely lady spoke her name most distinctly, and was quickly accepted by all residents. Rocky and Punkin', the feline contingent at the time, thought she was interesting, but of little consequence to the monarchy. Everyone else just admired her graceful swoops throughout the kitchen area, and watched as she taught Frodo how to play the "Peepie Game" (during which she would open her mouth in a yawn, then wait for Frodo to respond in similar fashion, before her beak was agape again, again, and again).

Distress built around the eggs, however. Peeper would lay two or three eggs, and then act every bit the expectant mother over the infertile progeny. Time and time again, until both Frodo and Sam realized that she required companionship more than popcorn. The Pet Shop owner identified Frodo on sight and immediately began computing the cumulative numbers now required for the purchase of a top-of-the-line Cadillac. Although Peeper was probably four or five years old at this point, the Pet Shop only carried younger birds. The predominantly grey cockatiel to be known as "Sydney," (reflective of his native land) was only six-months old.

There are probably laws which apply to the sexual exploitation of juvenile birds, then again Peeper was only training Sydney to develop the necessary skills of parenthood. At least that could be a valid argument. What was truly unique about the relationship that developed was that Peeper would never again talk to Frodo, or to Sam. Peeper and Sydney, although they would never raise a family together, became inseparable mates in the cage. They would groom each other for hours on end, and over the years it became obvious that Sydney had discovered a purpose for all his tools.

The inevitable occurred one morning when Peeper was found at the bottom of the cage. Frodo and Sam had worried about this moment, and were sure that Sydney would begin to grieve uncontrollably. After the ceremony in the Garden of the Shire, Sydney commenced his daily routine. It was almost as if nothing had changed. That is, until Sam noticed Sydney bowing his head alongside the yellow feeder in the cage, waiting for it to begin grooming him. He squawked in frustration. Whenever he felt the need, he would bow his head alongside the yellow feeder.

Over time, Sydney realized that he could perch on the shoulders of Sam or Frodo, and eventually one of the dullards would begin to groom him with a finger tip. He also discovered that Rocky, the aging and harmless remaining feline in the Shire, was a warm pillow next to the water dish on the floor. The historical enemies became a source of comfort to each other. Fiona and Mick, the Wonder Dog, began to realize that when Sydney landed on a table that meant he had spotted something edible. He, to this day, will pick up whatever it may be, and carry it to the edge of the table and drop it to the floor below for the enjoyment of his flightless friends.

The loss of Rocky, and the entry of Mr. Beau Neau as his replacement has changed the rules somewhat. The cat does not know what to make of the fearless aviator who seems intent on sharing his bowl. Frodo and Sam are very wary. The biggest change has been the loneliness. Sydney, when suddenly he realizes that he is all alone, will begin to scream until someone, anyone, comes to pay him homage or to cover the cage promptly at 6:15 regardless of the time of year. The subsequent discomfort for Sam, who is home while Frodo toils at Mount Doom, is too much to bear. A declaration has been issued that there will be no further avian additions to the Shire.

The exception to the rule would be in the event that a baby mourning dove should fall from a nest. That, dear reader, requires an explanation for another time.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:55 PM EDT

Updated: Tuesday, August 1, 2006 9:59 PM EDT

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Sunday, July 30, 2006

Her Lips Are Like a Volcano When It's Hot
Mood:

on fire
Topic: "Rice on Hot Tin Roof(2)"
There are nights when Frodo has dreamed about the languor of magnolia and its' aromatic presence on a hot summer evening. Sometimes the wild mimosa enjoins its' presence, and coupled with a sprig of mint that touches the nose as the head is tilted back, the beads of sweat and the buzzing tiger mosquitos are overlooked by memory. That is unless one is actually experiencing all of that, rather than dreaming about it. At that point one might actually begin to wonder what the gardens of the Shire would be like dressed in a gown of snow.

Frodo is a Southern Hobbit. The smells and tastes of the Shire affect Frodo as did those of Mississippi for William Faulkner and Willie Morris, Alabama for Harper Lee and Truman Capote, and the Georgia of Ferrol Sams and Flannery O'Connor. Condi Rice is of the neighborhood too, and seemingly driven in her ambition by the same experiences. Her mercurial rise to the highest position ever attained by a black female in any Presidential administration is a source of pride to all who have experienced the same smells and the same tastes.

Southern writers have been sexual deviants, alcoholics, social misfits, and journalists. Perhaps descriptions of life on a riverbank, or sex on sheets wetted against the heat, require an attention to detail that comes from experience. Similarly, for one involved in sensitive negotiations between warring factions, it may be that the naivete bred by success after success in life sets one up for colossal failure. The detail required is absent when one has not experienced the vagaries of treacherous relationships with friends or enemies.

Today, Condi Rice was filmed playing "kissy face" with the Israeli Defense Minister, a full eight hours after the Israelis had bombed the City of Qana in Lebanon. Rice was not aware when she went to the meeting, nor was she informed by her Israeli hosts, that many innocents had been killed, including dozens of children. The Arab world is outraged, all of the "allies" of the United States have issued condemnations of the Israeli action, and the United Nations is standing on the high ground looking down on the United States. The Prime Minister of Lebanon has refused, for now, to meet with Rice.

Frodo likens what happened to the Secretary of State to a case of rectal rape. The Israelis realized that the bombing was a mistake, but they could not risk losing the apparent blessing of the Bush Administration. Recognizing the history of Rice, and her "husb," in being unprepared, they held their scheduled meeting with Rice as if nothing had happened. While she stood there, shaking hands and smiling, with the Israeli Defense Minister, CNN and Faux News were with all the rest of the media who were broadcasting the bodies wrapped in plastic.

Now that she knows that she has been taken advantage of, she is thinking about coming home. Maybe she ought to take the bus. She could open a window and maybe she'd start smelling the coffee. Until then, she's just one more loose lug nut on a vehicle careening out of control, heading toward a very deep ditch.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:44 PM EDT

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Thursday, July 27, 2006

Every Time I Try to Tell You, The Words Just Come Out Wrong
Mood:

lazy
Topic: "Vacation Comin'" (2)
"Well Laura," he drawled, "here it is, almost August again, and time for our month-long vacation on the ranch. Ummm Ummm, I can almost taste the hot dogs and freedom fries."

"George W. Armstrong Custer Bush, do you think we really ought to spend so much time away from your job?"

"Darlin', you know that the Congress shuts down and them boys go out to get money and to play kissy-face back home. The newsboys go on vacations, re-runs are on the tube. Shoot, even the Supremes disappear until October, so why shouldn't we go and catch up on some of the important stuff we have to do around the ranch?"

"Well, you remember what happened last time? There we were flyin' back home after that awful Hurricane, and all those reporters were there taking your picture looking down on the floodwaters in New Orleans."

"I know, but Brownie's not around to screw up anything like that this time, and Snow-Job has replaced the little bald guy. Say what was his name, anyway? Snow-Job will put all the newsboys in a separate plane and pipe in the Faux News Channel to them all day. They'll sleep like babies, no matter what happens."

"I swear George, you ought to remember all that happened in August of 2001 while we were on vacation. That nasty bunch on the 9/11 Commission almost got you to admit that you weren't paying attention to the threats while you were on vacation for an entire month."

"Yeah we were kinda lucky that they allowed me and Dick to testify together, in secret, 'bout all that stuff. But you gotta admit Laura, that was probably the best thing for all of us, it got us re-elected."

"George, why don't we do something different this August? Just the two of us! We'll go somewhere exotic and . . ."

"Exotic? What are you tryin' to do, look like Monica Lavvinsky or somethin'?"

"I meant someplace exciting, not something dirty. You know, like maybe to Australia, or to Scotland?"

"You mean where the men wear them little dresses?"

"Kilts, George."

"Kilts, Schmilts. I'm jes' lookin' forward to cuttin' some brush, ridin' my mountain bike, and maybe tippin' a few for old times sake."

"Same old story, eh? You tip a few for three weeks, and then you have to spend a week de-toxifying."

"Now darlin', you know I've been under a lot of pressure, and the American people want their President to relax and have some time to ponder the great issues of our time."

"And what do you propose that I do while you're having the exact same vacation again?"

"Well what did you do last year?"

"You mean you don't remember?"

"Oh sure, I remember, I remember. I remember everything. You think that crazy old hippie Mother will be camped out front again?"

"George, what are you going to do if this stuff in the Middle East blows up big time?"

"Now Laura, Dick and Condi can handle all that. Condi will go anywhere, any time, whenever I need her, as long as they sell women's shoes in the town. And Dick, Dick has promised me he won't even drink a beer while I'm gone, and his buddy Novack will be on vacation, so he won't have anybody to even talk to."

"Well, it's no use arguing, since you've got your mind made up, as usual. I guess I'll call the girls and see if they can't come and spend a few days with us."

"Girls? What girls?"

"Your daughters damn you, or have you forgotten them, too?"

"Oh no, I remember, I remember. Wasn't one of them kinda sensitive about me givin' her a neck rub a week or so ago?"

"That was the Prime Minister of Germany."

"Gerhard?"

Frodo interrupts this episode of "As the White House Turns," for it is time for the President's nap, and Mrs. Bush has to see to the packing. Join us next time when Laura finds the bottles of Jim Beam in the doomsday briefcase.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:24 PM EDT

Updated: Thursday, July 27, 2006 9:41 PM EDT

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Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Some People Call Me The Gangster of Love
Mood:

suave
Topic: "Lean and Hungry " (2)

Within an hour Johnny Babb would lie dead on the floor, slain by the hand of Frodo. Not that Babb was such a terrible fellow, rather the scene had been scripted long before either of the young Hobbits had trod the stage of Middle Earth. For this was the tenth year of learning, in which words were enacted in much the same manner as when, in the fourth year, they had been taught to multiply. Babb was a very regal Julius Caesar and Frodo his noble Brutus.

The remainder of the cast were undistinguished since they remain anonymous for purposes of recall. They all sat in their seats and followed along with those in front who read their assigned roles. The reading of Shakespeare's "Julius Caesar" in Tenth Grade English was a routine followed annually in the Shire, and Frodo rose to the occasion with high enthusiasm. The ancient words seemed to come alive for Frodo, and he glided through as if the dialogue had been drawn for him. Babb was a formidable assistant Even the teacher was caught up in how well the class involved itself in the classical text. Frodo remembered the smile of Janet Perry who watched him from her desk in the front row.

Shortly after Caesar spake of Cassius as "having a lean and hungry look," the conspirators struck, one-by-one, and Caesar slumped toward the floor and raised his weakening eyes to meet the intensity of Frodo, preparing to strike the final blow. Babb, unfamiliar as he was with Latin, blew the lines when he stated "Eat Two, Brute."

The class erupted in laughter, and Babb's pale complexion reddened to match his full head of hair. Frodo paused while all around him tried to regain their composure. When, at last, all was silent, Frodo proceeded and brought the life on stage of Johnny Babb to a well-deserved conclusion.

In the days to come Frodo started, on his own, to read many more of those plays. As time passed, he learned that others in his class had done likewise. When the end of the school year arrived, and the ritual of autographing each other's Annuals took place, he noted that Janet Perry had written something special, just for him. She remarked that he had been "a darn good Brutus."

The next year, Frodo took little Janet Perry to the Junior-Senior Prom. A year later they would part, and go in entirely different directions. Such, Frodo supposes, is why art and life are mirrors upon each other.

Little Janet Perry is now a grandmother.

Yikes.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:56 PM EDT

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Tuesday, July 25, 2006

I'd Change Those Sad Rags Into Glad Rags If I Could
Mood:

sharp
Topic: "Yes, No, Who Knows?" (2)
There is one very incontrovertible fact about the national political scene today, and that is that the Republicans are in charge. The President, George W. Armstrong Custer Bush, is a Republican. Both the Senate and the House of Representatives hold Republican majorities. The Supreme Court, also, has more Justices appointed by Republicans than those appointed by a Democratic President. Frodo believes that it would logically follow that there would be a singleness of purpose, unanimity if you will, on an agenda if not on indiviudal pieces of legislation.

As Johnny Carson might have said, "Incorrecto, Camel's Breath."

A few days ago, Frodo was reminded of the miasma of partisan politics by elected representatives with conflicting "special interests." The Senate Finance Committee approved a bill directing the IRS to make electronic tax filing through its' Web site. This would allow individuals, within the next three years, to file tax returns by computer without buying commercial software or paying a professional tax preparer to do so in their behalf. In and of itself, a very noble-sounding effort to make tax filing both easier and less costly for the consumer.

The problem is that the foregoing action is the exact opposite direction taken by the House of Representatives earlier this year when they voted to PROHIBIT the IRS from developing or providing free electronic tax preparation or filing services for individuals.

As Joan Rivers might have said on The Johnny Carson Show, "Can We Talk?"

Frodo offers the following as a taxing mental exercise dear reader, see if you can guess where certain organizations may have directed campaign contributions in the past year?

The makers of the software program "Turbo Tax."

The tax preparation firm "H&R Block."

What about The United States Postal Service?

For whom do these characters work, and why do we tolerate them?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:21 PM EDT

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Monday, July 24, 2006

I Am So Close To You
Mood:

smelly
Topic: "Bush Baby, Bush (2)"
Orcs are not the only creatures disdained by Frodo. Evil wizards and their followers are the creators of the Orcs, so Frodo watches them very closely. Robert Mugabe, President of Zimbabwe, is listed by nearly every imaginable source as among the greatest despots who has ever lived. Frodo has referred to him previously for his refusal to even acknowledge the existence of the AIDS virus in the nation he rules. The suffering for which he is responsible makes Saddam Hussein look like a poster child for the March of Dimes. Frodo asks, dear reader, that one consider the motivational source for the latest of Mugabe's travesties.

Zimbabwe's Parliament will debate proposals in August to empower the "secret police" to eavesdrop on mail, e-mail, and phones without the approval of any court whatsoever. Mugabe denies any sinister intent, saying simply that "it is putting anti-terrorism legislation in line with international practice." Frodo is having a hard time identifying Zimbabwe's participation on the front lines of the War on Terror. It is very clear however, from whom Mr. Mugabe is copying his defense of potential criticism. Perhaps Karl Rove is advising Mr. Mugabe when he's not sharing secrets with Robert Novak?

Times are very hard for the people of Zimbabwe, and in most of Equitorial Africa. The United States of America has severely reduced the amount of humanitarian aid to this part of our small blue planet, get this, in the last four years. How ironic is it that a despot uses the shining "Lady of Liberty" as his model in order to restrict the freedom of his people? Doesn't really say much for the theory of spreading democracy around the world, does it? How very tragic that so much suffering falls back on the fact that George W. Armstrong Custer Bush doesn't have a clue.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:36 PM EDT

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Thursday, July 20, 2006

The Face of Change, Ch- Ch- Ch- Changes Everyone
Mood:

incredulous

"Mister Frodo, can you expand upon your thesis which, if I'm reading it correctly, seems to be entitled in a rather banal manner as "Bush, and Other Bullshit?"

Frodo was nervous. The oral exams are the culmination of the years of study leading to a doctorate. Gandalf would show him no favoritism, and defending positions before an intentionally hostile panel of wizards is a daunting task, even for Harry Potter.

"Yes, Professor, it is banal, but so is the damage inflicted upon Middle Earth by what I subjectively refer to as the most insidious of the American Presidencies."

"You must be capable of documenting a value judgment such as that, Mister Frodo."

"Professor, let me answer your concern by repeating three phrases from the times in which we have lived, and to use them to demonstrate my point."

"Proceed, but I am skeptical of the less than scholarly approach suggested."

Frodo was sweating, perhaps as much as if he were inside the Cave at Mount Doom. "Professors, please recall the following 'You Can't Legislate Morality,' 'We Aren't the World's Policeman,' and 'The World Knows That America Will Never Start a War.'" Frodo leaned over the podium standing on his tip-toes, so that he could look into the eyes of the panel seated before him. "The Presidency of George W. Bush has taken time-honored national values, summarized in these three phrases, and cast each of them from the American vocabulary. The result being that instead of a 'Pax Americana' in which the peoples of the world share in and grow prosperous because of noble ideals, suffering and violence are the rule, rather than the exception."

Gandalf stared directly at Frodo, not the slightest hint of emotion on his face, and he was certainly more emotional than were any of the other panelists.

"Gentlemen, the President has exercised his Constitutional Veto on but one occasion in more than five-and-a-half years. He vetoed the expenditure of federal funds to sponsor stem-cell research. There was no reference to any article or section of the Constitution in his denial of the majority-approved legislation. He did so simply because his personal values were in conflict with the legislation. The President, de facto, determined legislation on the basis of his own sense of morality. He did what we, as a people, have accepted, as a matter of routine, that we would not do."

"You may proceed, Mr. Frodo."

"In the second instance Professors, let us recall that it was Washington himself who warned the new nation against foreign entanglements and alliances. Washington feared that European powers would drag the Continentals into their squabbles, thereby frittering away the wealth and the strength of the Americas. Washington was not trying to isolate the new nation, he was trying to direct her to develop her own institutions for all the world to admire. In stark contrast, George W. Bush has proceeded in exactly the opposite direction. Foolishly, he has attempted to install similar institutions in foreign lands, and then to protect them against change from within. He would not allow institutions to develop over time, rather he destroyed what was there, and set up systems which were unsupported by the committment of the populace."

"The result being?" asked Gandalf.

"The result being that our troops are policing the systems, all with the hope that institutions will evolve and police thenselves. The evidence of failure is the existence of militias and the spread of sectarian violence in both Iraq and Afghanistan. The effect is that our troops are the policemen of the world."

There were no questions of Frodo. He took the silence as an authority to proceed to the final point.

"John Kennedy was quoted as saying that all the world knew that the United States was slow to anger, and that War was a last resort in the American psyche. Admiral Yamamoto, in fact, referred to the Americans of December 8th, 1941, as a "Sleeping Giant," awakened by treachery and the fact that all other avenues before war had been exhausted. By giving Congress the authority to declare War, the Founding Fathers acted to ensure that no President would exercise powers that could endanger the principles of democracy. George W. Bush, whether by deliberate act, or by simple incompetence, took this nation into a war that was premature at least, and unnecessary at worst. It is certainly conceivable that the subsequent death and destruction are the result of personal pique at Saddam Hussein."

"Can you support that assertion."

"No Sir, and it is not a statement of fact, it is a statement of perception for the student of this period in American, if not World, History. No matter what else is said or implied, the President of the United States took our country to war, and he did so by obfuscation of fact and by force of personality. He may, or he may not, have done so deceitfully. The effect is, if I may anticipate Sir, is that the perception of the World, and even our own peoples, has changed. We are no longer a shining light in the world."

"Thank you Mr. Frodo. Since we don't seem to have any further questions, the panel dismisses you and we will inform you of our decision in the near future."

Frodo wiped a tear from his eye as he exited the lecture hall. He wished that everything he had said had been wrong. Gandalf and the panel felt the same way.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:09 PM EDT

Updated: Thursday, July 20, 2006 9:42 PM EDT

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Tuesday, July 18, 2006

That Old Sweet Song Keeps Georgia on My Mind
Mood:

a-ok
Topic: "Out Damned Spot (2)"
Frodo has had many occasions to look at the lands around the Shire, and to be ashamed. It is not a felony, for example, to commit cruelty against an animal in the State of Georgia. Despite the biblical directive in Genesis (St. James Version) to maintain "dominion" over the creatures of the Earth, in Georgia that terminology has been deemed to define unquestioned mastery over the animal kingdom. In another instance, former Senator Max Cleland, a triple amputee of the Vietnam War, was cited in political advertisements as being in league with Osama bin Laden in "The War Against Terror." His defeat by Saxby Chambliss was a very low point in the political history of the United States.

Masterminding the divisive campaign has been both the vocation and the avocation of Ralph Reed. His Consulting Firm has been involved in money laundering, influence peddling, political dirty tricks, and perjury. Although not indicted, as yet, Reed has unquestionably documented his chicanery by e-mail messages, and in verbal statements. His 20-year association with Jack Abramoff convinced right-thinking people around the world that he was, indeed, a bad guy.

Tonight, Ralph Reed ate the big one. The "Red State" of Georgia rose to the moment and slapped him down within the confines of a Primary Election within his own Party. Within three hours of the closing of the polls statewide, Reed conceded defeat to a political lightweight of no consequence. Even the bigots, the religious zealots, and the politically uninformed were not numerous enough to join with the "True Believers" and carry this weasel to victory.

Frodo salutes the wisdom of his Republican friends, who acted in the best interest of our Nation by sending this slimeball to the trash bin of American History. To fail in an election for a ceremonial position within your own Party, within your Home State, is the death knell for this representative of the Dark Side.

It deserves note that this was an "Open Primary," meaning that any registered voter could vote in either the Democratic or the Republican Primary. Frodo very proudly took a Republican ballot, and pushed but one block on the touchscreen of the Diebold voting machine. Frodo and the Georgia Republicans hung Ralph Reed from a sour apple tree.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:58 PM EDT

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Monday, July 17, 2006

Stuck in The Middle With You
Mood:

loud
Topic: "Little Big Horn (2)"
If Frodo were to paraphrase Caesar's "Commentaries," he would begin by saying that "All of the Middle East is divided into three parts. . ." Truth is, he would not be far from correct. Today, especially, the setting in this Hornet's Nest revolves around the border conflict separating Israel from Lebanon, the Iran-through-Syria Road to the Mediterranean, and the continuing insurgency in Iraq. What is most troubling to Frodo in this scenario is the fact that 135,000 American troops are right smack dab in the middle of the instability.

Iran may not have a nuclear weapon, yet, but they do have "fissile material." Iran is predominantly Shiite Muslim, as are both Syria and Iraq. The greatest population center in Iraq is the predominantly Sunni area in and around Baghdad. It is also the location of the greatest concentration of American troops. Frodo cannot help but worry about a Shiite suicide bomber, with fissile material, setting his (or her) sights on this concentration of infidels, in the mind of the Shi'ia. There is no greater argument for bringing the American troops home, now. The enemy is crazy, and they have no fear.

Had Frodo walked the Montana Territory in 1876, he probably would have called General George Armstrong Custer something like "George W." They both underestimated their enemy. They never caught sight of the grand scale of their predicament. Good boys died, and nothing good came of it.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:10 PM EDT

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