Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

I'll Be Your Love Until The End of Time
Mood:

lucky
Topic: "Buckwheat Breathes" (2)

A 36 year-old graduate student at the University of California, Berkeley, conceptually, causes apoplectic fits for some people. "Professional student" Michael Park was doing research on Mount Diablo, a 3900 foot peak just east of San Francisco, last year when he found a plant no one had observed since it had been declared extinct in 1936. The Mount Diablo buckwheat was discovered in the same park where conservation groups brought the peregrine falcon back from near-extinction in 1989. In fact, 12 of the 650 plants which occur in the park are found nowhere else on our small blue planet.

Frodo was rather taken by the ecological significance of Mount Diablo and the state park of the same name. It seems that the park squats at the nexus of two small mountain ranges and the San Francisco Bay. The park has an unusual "blend" of rocks, soils, and growing conditions according to local scientists. Frodo was immediately sensitive to the words "blend" and "San Francisco" used to describe these environmental conditions. Perhaps Frodo exhibited a little too much of his natural cynicism.

The Mount Diablo buckwheat has been successfully grown both in the laboratory by artificial means and by natural propagation in the little patch where it was discovered. Seed has been collected and can be kept in storage for as long as 100 years. A preventative is thereby created to offset the danger of a natural, i.e. earthquake, disaster or a man-made screw-up like an errant campfire. All the bases have been covered to ensure that the Mount Diablo buckwheat only goes to extinct status one time.

Frodo has never seen Mount Diablo, but he is very familiar with much of the Southern Appalachians, home to the most diverse grouping of plants anywhere. There are probably 650 different plants in Frodo's front yard at Lake Lovey, dwarfing the entire botanical population of the Mount Diablo park. The difference may be that the University of California, Berkeley, sits next to Mount Diablo and it seems to produce students of nature and mankind. The University of Tennessee, Knoxville, sits near Lake Lovey, and they hope to go to the Peach Bowl this year, and to sing "Rocky Top" until they turn orange.

Funny how some people define "values," isn't it, dear reader?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:42 PM EDT

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Sunday, August 20, 2006

What a Difference a Day Makes, 24 Little Hours
Mood:

d'oh
Topic: "Who did it?" (2)
Sam is at the bedside of the gallant Howard. His operating systems are signing off one-by-one, and if the analogy were carried to the extreme, he would be an undisturbed blue screen. Preparations for this moment have ensured that no one will attempt to salvage the hard drive.

Frodo remains at the Shire, coordinating activities there and doing his utmost to maintain the strength of the American economy. The creatures of the Shire all miss Sam, as does Frodo. Frodo wishes for Sam that this last cycle of life will be a peaceful moment for the gallant Howard, and not revert to the nuance of a Dylan Thomas poem ("Rage, Rage, Against the Light; Do Not Go Gently Into That Good Night.").

Once, after the gallant Howard first stood all alone, he came to the Shire to spend time with Sam and Frodo. He loved the Shire because of its' devotion to native plants and restless little natives. Not unlike Frodo, for whom he always had great affection, the gallant Howard knew far more about the out-of-doors than he did the in-of-doors. So when the occasion arised that Sam was not present, and dishes needed washing, the operation of an automatic device was unfamiliar to them both. Being relatively intelligent Hobbits, they figured that the mysteries of such a device were not unsurmountable. That proved to be correct, however the solution to perform the actual cleansing selected by the two miscreants proved faulty.

Remember the movie, "Mister Roberts?" Henry Fonda played the lead and Jack Lemmon played Ensign Pulver, Laundry & Morale Officer, in this adaptation of a great Broadway play. In the movie Pulver finally blew up the Laundry and doused the entire ship in soap suds, remember that scene?

Frodo and the gallant Howard were confronted by a similar scene when the soap suds started pouring out of the automatic dishwasher from every conceivable crevice at an alarming rate. It took several minutes for the two of them to finally figure out how to halt the unwanted production of the glorious bubbles. By that time however, all of Sam's kitchen was covered in at least three feet of bubbles. It should be noted that the creatures of the Shire had all mysteriously vacated the in-of-doors and had been out-of-doors as soon as they had become aware of the joint efforts of Frodo and the gallant Howard in the first place.

Finally, the kitchen was devoid of bubbles, and, in fact, the kitchen to Frodo's eye, looked cleaner than at any moment prior. The two cavaliers decided amongst themselves that they would simply omit the afternoons' events from their discussions with Sam. It was as it is in the common parlance, "No harm, no foul."

Frodo was betrayed by the grinning gallant Howard, who announced to Sam and all the world that "your boy" (referring to Frodo) had quite a time while Sam was in absentia.

Sam received flowers and several expensive gifts. Frodo glared at Howard of the big mouth. Then he started to laugh.

Today, with tears in his eyes, Frodo laughs again about a moment in time that will always symbolize the friendship of Frodo and the gallant Howard. Turning on the dishwasher will never have quite the romance it did on that day, not so long ago.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:52 PM EDT

Updated: Monday, August 21, 2006 9:51 PM EDT

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Tuesday, August 15, 2006

You're No Good, Baby, You're No Good
Mood:

sharp
Topic: "Macaca, Your Macaca" (2)
In the movie "Groundhog Day," Bill Murray keeps awakening to a repeat of the day before. After almost six years of George W. Armstrong Custer Bush and his moronic gaffes in both his choice of words and his actions, George Allen is almost more than anyone could imagine. Could there be some sort of divine plan to punish mankind by repeating the past eight years with eight more years of imbecilic cowboy boots and insensitive perceptions of the outside world? Frodo is considering another cup of coffee, this one laced with something pronounced.

Here are two goons, children of privilege, both of whom found ways to avoid basic military service as well as any prosecution for their youthful peccadillos. The first goon is now 1,202 days into his proclamation that the foray into Iraq is "Mission Accomplished." It should be noted for historical reference that more than 62% of respondents now feel(remember, 1,202 days after everything was successfully concluded)that the entire effort was ill-advised. The second goon, before an all-white crowd of supporters deep in the mountains of Appalachia, singled out the only dark-skinned attendee (a travelling cameraman for his Senate rival)as a "Macaca." He subsequently apologized, stating that even though he called the young man one, he had no idea what it was.

Bullshit.

There are times when Frodo feels that the most banal can be applied without being obscene. The Mission is not accomplished Mr. President. The young man is not a North African Negroid Senator. Your joint apologies, re-statements, and clarifications are just plain bullshit.

Perhaps the wasteland of the media is now simply so huge that it is impossible for any politician to avoid the human slips and errors reflected in poorly-conceived policies or attempts at humor. If so, then the literal skill of John Kennedy, or Franklin Roosevelt, or even Abraham Lincoln might also be tarnished if each had been subject to the same scrutiny. Frodo chooses to believe otherwise. Guys like Bush and Allen are just so full of misinformation that it spills out all around both of them. Smells bad, too.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:07 PM EDT

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Monday, August 14, 2006

Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair
Mood:

silly
Topic: "Clean Machine" (2)
Frodo knows what it is like to be accused of something he did not do. There are situations however, in which blame is supplanted by credit for acts not done. Tempting it is to stand in silence and receive accolades, for in some situations if Frodo doesn't get the applause, then hands are never clapped.

Debbie Phillips, President of the Putnam County, West (By God) Virginia, School Board, returned home one evening recently to find her house cleaned, top-to-bottom. Her husband denied any responsibility, as did her next-door neighbor. In fact, Ms. Phillips was unable to find anyone who professed any knowledge of the phantom housecleaning. Given the fact that her house had been locked, and the key remained in its' secret hiding place, she did the only reasonable thing. She called the police.

The following is a transcript of how the telephone call to the City's 911 System may have actually happened:

"Hullo Mrs. Phillips, Sgt. Pyle here, what can I do for you this evening?"
"I see, uh huh. So you had someone break-in to the house while you were at work, is that right? Well, is anything missing?"
"Was there any damage done then?"
"Any sign of forced entry?"
"Well, if nothing is missing, and there is no sign of any damage, what makes you think somebody broke in?"
"I beg your pardon? Could you repeat that?"
"The house has been cleaned?"
"The beds have been made, the kitchen floor mopped, the toilets scoured, the windows washed, the living room vacuumed, and a thorough dusting throughout the house."
"Mrs. Phillips, you're telling me that neither your husband nor any of your friends admit to the cleaning, and the reason you're calling 911 is to go on record that somebody must have entered the house using your hidden key, and cleaned your house without permission. Then, they evidently returned the key to its' hiding place, and didn't even leave you a note?"
"Mrs. Phillips, have you had to confiscate any marijuana or anything from any students so far this school year?"
"No Ma'am, I'm just asking questions so that my Captain doesn't ask me that question?"
"Yes ma'am. Thank you for calling, and we'll keep an eye out for anyone cleaning without permission."

Several weeks later Mrs. Phillips was interrupted at work by a telephone call from her son who was home alone. It seems that a cleaning lady had parked her car out front, removed the key from its' secret hiding place, and entered through the front door. She then proceeded to mop the kitchen floor.

The facts determined by the Police Department were that the cleaning service had been hired by a neighbor one street over, with the same house number, who, conveniently it seems, chose exactly the same location for hiding a key at their house as did Mrs. Phillips at her house. Mrs. Phillips chose not to prosecute under auspices of the Patriot Act, or to challenge the legal status of any of the cleaning crew.

Frodo, had he been Mrs. Phillips husband, would have taken credit for the phantom cleaning, and later placed a $10 bill under the rock where the key was kept as a token of his gratitude to the perpetrator.

Frodo knows that some gifts, once given, cannot be taken back.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:33 PM EDT

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Sunday, August 13, 2006

I Ran All The Way Home
Mood:

down
Topic: "Changin' Channels" (2)
Mike Wallace, as previously indicated, has interviewed everybody. Frodo never felt that Mr. Wallace was intimidated or overtly personal in the attempt to provide information about a celebrity or political figure. He was simply very direct in his questioning. One of his most famous interviews was with the Ayatollah Khomeini, in which he quoted to Khomeini former Egyptian President Anwar Sadat as saying that Khomeini was "crazy." Perhaps that is why the current Iranian Head of State agreed to meet with Wallace for tonight's episode of "60 Minutes."

He was ready for Wallace. Calm and collected, always smiling, he made the kind of points that Civil Engineers (of which he is one, and all of whom, no matter the nationality, seem to be markedly conservative) would appreciate. He left Wallace with the argument that Israel as a presence in the Middle East is improperly placed. The Jewish State, he argued should be in Germany, or in America, but that there is no valid reason for the country to exist in that part of the world. Wallace, missed the opportunity because he was irritated that the little greaser had avoided one of his earlier questions.

Later on he obtained a "carte blanche" from Wallace to address the failure of the Bush Administration to even respond to his letter to the President of the United States. He sucked Wallace in to feeding him the point that he was merely trying to tell the President of the United States that his "behavior" was not in the best interests of world peace.

He never referred to Wallace's Faith, and Wallace was unable to draw him into some sort of remark which all the world would interpret as Anti-Semitic or threatening. Although Wallace recovered to avoid an early termination to the interview by flattering his subject, he was unable to crack the "force field" with which his subject had surrounded himself. Mike never got off the defensive.

Frodo supposes, as he indicated in his discussion about Joe Lieberman, that he should add journalists to his list of people who sometimes don't know when their best days are now distant memories. Staying too long can be embarrassing, and tonight's show proved that conclusively. Besides, the Redskins are playing their first exhibition game on another channel, and Frodo needs a bit of an escape from one more egg on the face of CBS News. And Katie ain't even on yet!

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:41 PM EDT

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Thursday, August 10, 2006

Have You Ever Been Lonely, Have You Ever Been Blue?
Mood:

energetic
Topic: "Say It Ain't So,Joe" (2)
One of the great loves in Frodo's life is the inexplicable game of baseball. It was very hard for Frodo when he realized that there would be no more games to play. For the rest of his life he would be a spectator, a commentator, a "fan." No more desperate dashes with his back-to-the plate in the only plot of ground Frodo ever felt was his, center field. There are still times when Frodo would like one more afternoon, the way it used to be.

Politicians are a lot like athletes. They love the game, the thrill is never gone, and the "backroom" is like the "locker room." It is hard to let go of something so consuming. Just ask Joe Lieberman.

Lieberman professed that he was a great sports fan, and from that he had learned that the game is not over at half-time. Therefore, he reasoned, it was incumbent upon him to file as an Independent Candidate for re-election to a fourth term in the Senate of the United States. Unfortunately Joe has not yet realized that his best days as a politician are all behind him, and that he ran the risk of being the athlete who held on too long, and never acknowledged the dimunition of his effectiveness. He allowed his ego to supercede the needs of his teammates.

Recently, two old friends visited Frodo and Sam. One had been the pitcher and the other the left-fielder in the last game that Frodo played in center field. They reminded him of that last game, and how empty the fields are now without Frodo's chatter and winged feet in the alleys between right and left. They all laughed together when Frodo described his second-to-last at bat, when he took a high and tight pitch to deep center field which rolled far beyond the grasp of any fielder on the opposing team. Rounding third toward home, Frodo slipped and fell flat on his face only a few feet from home plate. As the startled opponents rallied and desperately tried to return the ball to the infield, Frodo crawled, on all fours, and miraculously slipped his hand onto home plate ahead of the catchers' tag. The stands, the players on both sides, and Frodo, erupted in laughter, and Frodo smiled with a grateful tear for what may have been his last hurrah.

Two innings later, the final inning, Frodo came to bat again, with his team trailing by a run. Everyone seemed to know that there was no more magic in that old bat he swung, and, silently, most were simply hoping that Frodo not make the last out. Frodo felt likewise. Frodo topped a ball into the ground into the hole between short and third, and he burst from the batter's box in one last sprint to first base. The shortstop fielded the ball cleanly, but lost his grip on the ball momentarily, and his throw to first was slightly off target. Frodo reached first on the shortstop's error. His friends and teammates applauded.

Moments like that are difficult to accept. Saying good-bye to a big part of Hobbit life is remembered first among all memories. Frodo feels for Joe Lieberman that he hasn't learned how to accept the applause, and to realize that even John Wayne knew when the last shot had been fired. It's never fair, but it is.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:33 PM EDT

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Wednesday, August 9, 2006

I Get The Blues Most Every Night, Since I Fell For You
Mood:

accident prone
Topic: "Mount Mulch" (2)
Frodo has professed to be the smallest and the weakest, he has never offered himself as free of misjudgement. In his continuing effort to improve the Gardens of the Shire, Frodo is an advocate of the theory that "Change is Good." Subsequent to his failed attempt, not unique amongst the universe of attempts, to achieve perfection by spreading straw of the pine all about, Frodo decided to remove the last vestiges of the yellow pine forest which predated Frodo's presence in the Shire. Six 50-year-old trees encumbered the front half of the Garden, aka "The Eastern 40."

This past Saturday, in the searing heat, two regular workers and two undocumented aliens arrived as agreed in the Shire to cut down and dispose of the unwanted arboreal nuisance. Frodo did not properly assess the situation when asked if he wanted to retain the mulch. Frodo was more interested in practicing his fractured Spanish on the refugees from Guadalajara. Frodo evidently told the tree-cutters that he wanted to keep all of the mulch. Frodo should have been alerted to the potential problem when told that he was the first customer that the tree-cutters had ever had who wanted all of the mulch.

At the bottom of Frodo's driveway is the 20-foot-tall mound of pine remnants. It is as if Mother Nature is taking a bit of revenge upon poor Frodo for ordering the destruction of her creation. For four days, off-and-on, in searing heat, one wheelbarrow load at a time, Frodo has been shoveling and hauling pine mulch. The estimate is that there are still four trees in the mound.

The flower beds in the "Western 40" are mulchenized. A new walkway through the deciduous forest outside the fence has been fully mulchimated. Every perennial plant and shrub is now mulchatomic. Only the spacious wasteland of the "Eastern 40" remains to be mulchagraphed. Frodo estimates that at least one-and-a-half trees will remain in "Mount Mulch."

Sam has been rather silent throughout Frodo's ordeal. The suggestion that a sign spelling out "Free Mulch" would be seen as a righteous move has actually been met by the silence of the neighborhood. It is as if they are the White House Press Corps, shaking in their boots and afraid to critically question the judgment of the Incomparable Moron.

Frodo has never felt more like the President of the United States. He should have been paying attention.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:59 PM EDT

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Monday, August 7, 2006

You Can Go Your Own Way, Don't Go Away
Mood:

incredulous
Topic: "Martyr Magic" (2)
Frodo is barely able to imagine exactly how difficult life must have been in the Shire in the Year of Our Lord, 1597. Given the fact that much of the geography is reclaimed swamp and wetland, and that mosquitos are everywhere today, the absence of repellants in that atmosphere must have been, if one will pardon the expression, ungodly. The news that five Spanish missionaries killed by Indians on the Georgia coast in 1597 are now recognized as martyrs, and potentially saints, caught the attention of Frodo. His admiration however, was short-lived.

Pedro de Corpa, Francisco de Verascola, and three of their Franciscan associates were living among the Guale Indians near the present coastal community of Brunswick. De Corpa made his feelings known to the Guale Chief that his son, named Juanillo, should discontinue the Guale tradition of bigamy. De Corpa told the chief that "the Church" would not condone such behavior.

Frodo thought of George W. Armstrong Custer Bush and his "Crusade" to bring democracy to the heathens of the Middle East.

The Guale were not terribly enthused about the opinions of De Corpa and his associates. The next morning, while the Franciscans were at prayer, the Guale attacked and beat them to death. They subsequently beheaded de Corpa, and placed his head on a pike.

Frodo thought about what the "Iraqi people" might do to Bush if they could get their hands on him.

The archeologist involved in the analysis of the human remains is hoping that enough information about de Corpa and his associates is uncovered to justify their beatification. This would, of course, require proof of at least one "miracle" in their names.

Frodo does not believe that a miracle took place in 1597. It would have been a miracle if the Spaniards had left the Guale well enough alone in their own land. The striking parallel is that 409 years have passed, and the quality of leadership has not changed much at all. The invention of mosquito repellant has not improved the judgment of self-righteous ideologues who eventually even piss off those they try to help.

Besides, Saint George is already taken.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:25 PM EDT

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Saturday, August 5, 2006

I Wonder, Wonder Who
Mood:

d'oh
Topic: "Graffiti Government" (2)

Should someone ask, Frodo has been considering how he would resolve the mess that has been made of Middle Earth. It started, he believes, with the single most memorable phrase in any of the collected speeches mouthed by George W. Armstrong Custer Bush. The "Axis of Evil" was, in all honesty, not really that outrageous a concept when defined as the most visible threats to peace and stability. The allegation that Iraq, Iran, and North Korea were somehow linked as part of a global network of anything other than stupidity was a dumb idea then, and it is a dumb idea now. What is even more bizarre is the approach taken to deal with each of the points of conflagration.

Much has been written and broadcast of late about the differences between the "Iraqi Nation" and Iran. So let Frodo voice his ideas using North Korea, wrapped in its' own enigma, to serve as his point of demonstration.

North Korea is an entity that thrives on its' isolation. Very few know anything at all about the people there, much less what they think, or how they live. The government, which truly is a less than benevolent oligarchical dictatorship, maintains its' power because it insulates the citizenry from the outside world. The only information they get is that whatever lies outside their borders is a large and festering threat to the immediate health and safety of those protected by the great leader. All North Koreans fear the outside world because they believe that the outside world wants to steal their cache of rotting cabbage.

The current philosophical approach taken in order to deal with North Korea is, ta da, that's right, isolation. Every time North Korea does something to piss somebody off, the first, and only, suggestion, is to embargo, blockade, or otherwise punish the government. Would it not, argues Frodo, make more sense to merely pack up all the excess grain, corn, and other agricultural products which are maintained by the world's largest food producer and deliver them to the Chinese-North Korean border? At that point set up a sound system, and begin broadcasting into North Korea that people can come and get all the free food they want. Eventually, even the North Korean Army would find itself bereft of troops willing to prevent starving people, including themselves, from this largesse by the "demons" from the outside. In time, and at very little cost to the outside world, the North Korean government would have to change its' proverbial tune, or the people would change it for them.

North Korea would be confronted, in this suggestion, as a single entity, and not as part of some cabal of faceless sub-human creatures. It is evidently quite difficult for the authors of the "Axis of Evil" to recognize that these are human beings, and not Orcs.

That, dear reader, is Frodo's suggestion. In order to deal with the human problems that confront all of Middle Earth, we must first set our own minds to deal with other people and to recognize that their needs are not really that different from our own. Lamentable it is that the present course was set in motion by those who were similarly isolated within their own borders.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 5:14 AM EDT

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Wednesday, August 2, 2006

Come on People Now, Smile on Your Brother
Mood:

sad
Topic: "As Far As We Know" (2)

Marine Corporal Phillip E. Baucus, 28, was killed in the line of duty in Iraq this past Saturday. His uncle, United States Senator Max Baucus (D-Montana), made the announcement on Tuesday.

"As far as we know," said Frodo to Sam, "Corporal Baucus is the only family member of any Member of Congress, any Justice of the Supreme Court, or of any elected or appointed official in the Adminstration itself, who has been a casualty of the Pre-Emptive War."

"As far as we know," said Sam, "his nephew was very dear to him."

"As far as we know, he will be interred in Arlington," said Frodo.

"As far as we know, the President of the United States will be on vacation at his ranch in Crawford, where he goes every August," added Sam.

"As far as we know, George W. Armstrong Custer Bush will go down in history as one of only two Presidents who failed to attend a single military funeral during his term of office," offered Frodo. Sam had a quizzical look for Frodo.

"Bill Clinton?"

"Clinton attended services for the young men killed in Somalia."

"George Washington?"

"As far as we know, Washington attended services for several military officers who had served under him during the Revolution."

"Who, then?"

"John Tyler."

"Well, as far as we know," said Sam, "Bush feels that his presence would be a 'distraction' for the family of the decedent. What was Tyler's reasoning?"

"At his Inauguration Tyler suffered exposure to the severe winter weather, caught pneumonia, and died within thirty days."

"Mister Frodo?"

"Yes Sam?"

"Do you think we could stand together for just a few moments in honor of Corporal Baucus?"

"As far as we know Sam, we will not stand alone."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:47 PM EDT

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