Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Ya Gotta Swing Your Hips Now, That's Right, You're Showin' Fine
Mood:

loud
Topic: "Purple Pill Please" (2)

Frodo has publicly announced his intention to separate the head from the torso of the individual who first decided to broadcast television commercials for pharmaceuticals during the dinner hour. In the true spirit of capitalism, Frodo has also promised never to purchase the product "Nexium" (i.e., the "purple pill") even if bile discharge should appear in his own gullet. True revolutionaries have to be prepared for personal sacrifice.

Feminine hygiene products, cat litter, erectile dysfunction assistance, and foot odor eaters are other popular subjects for broadcast at 6:30 EST (4:30 in the Mountain Time Zone). No network, cable affiliate, or independent station has operated free of the gross and disgusting advertising presentations during either the Evening News or the re-broadcast of a re-broadcast of a syndicated comedy re-run (Is that really John Travolta?). Frodo truly thought that things could not get even more tasteless.

Remember, dear reader, the little old lady used in the political commercials, Clara somebody-or-other, who screamed "Where's the Beef?' Now that was funny, regardless of whether or not the advertisement was for or against anyone in particular, it was funny, and it got a point across. Try, dear reader, to match the creative application of humor to today's political landscape, and the truly concerned adult looks directly into the face of political bathroom humor. It will not surprise Frodo at all to soon see a commercial taking note of a political opponent subtly attempting to pass gas. It will be "aired" during Frodo's dinner.

The Republican National Committee, and the sly jokester Ken Mehlman, today pulled the advertisement used to attack Democratic Senatorial Candidate Harold Ford. The suggestive comments of a "white" woman regarding a "black" man got extensive media play for three or four days in a "southern border state." The assumption being that those potential voters who would be offended by this violation of the literally-interpreted prohibitions in the Book of Leviticus had been titillated by this presentation from the "low ground." This may prove to be the most widely-referenced political ad in the future histories of these mid-term elections. Its' one redeeming virtue is noted by the fact that it will not ever again appear on Frodo's TV during the dinner hour. If only the 15,394 equally offensively-repeated presentations could go with it, and never again attempt to anger, titillate, amuse, or (Heaven Forbid) inform anyone ever again. And may their Creators form a single line from the platform of Frodo's personal guillotine, so that Frodo never again will wish that he could suffer another "Nexium" commercial in lieu of one more look at the pudgy countenance of Sonny, the "TooDoo."

For you non-Georgians, don't ask!

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:53 PM EDT

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Tuesday, October 24, 2006

How Long Has This Been Goin' On
Mood:

cheeky
Topic: "A Course is a Course"(2)

President George Walker (Armstrong Custer) Bush has recently initiated a course in remedial elocution for the Citizens of Middle Earth. His theme in the Course has been that what the citizens hear is not what is being communicated. Had the public not been distracted by those who choose to "cut and run," they would have understood that what was being said is not what they heard.

Frodo has offered to help make the point for the President. Frodo suggested that we start with the recently compromised Un-Policy statement, "Stay the Course." Any truly cognizant listener would have quickly surmised that the President actiually meant "Play the Horse." The President was endorsing pari-mutuel betting to help States reduce their dependence on Federal largesse. Sam, who is sometimes a bit too argumentative on matters such as these, pointed out that the President actually said "Slay the Norse," which was a reference to the growing tensions with the socialists of Scandinavia. Boromir phoned in to correct both Frodo and Sam with his interpretation that Bush had called for a "Gray Porsche," perhaps in preparation for his next scheduled backrub for the German Prime Minister. Merry sent in an e-mail from South Carolina and told all that our Leader had specified that listeners should "Belay the Force," in their continuing efforts to overcome evil influences in Mordor.

It was quickly becoming clear that the Un-Policy had been widely interpreted, and thereby required corrective definition by the "Great Communicator" from Crawford. The best example of this need was Pippin's allegation that the real message had been to "Delay the Borscht," which truly makes no sense whatsoever, but adequately reflected the fact that the audience was running out of rhyme.

Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, who serves as the point of coordination for re-phraseology and definitive adjustments, asked only that we all bow our heads and "Pray for the Source."

Amen.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:25 PM EDT

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Monday, October 23, 2006

If You Think This Is Just a Game, I Ain't Playin'
Mood:

chillin'
Topic: "West Wing Redux" (2)

Jimmy Smits as Barack Obama and Alan Alda as John McCain, is that weird or not? "Does this mean," asked Frodo, "that John McCain will end up being Secretary of State?" Actually, that is almost as remote a concept as is the departure of George W. Bush, played by Martin Sheen, as a melancholy scene. Nearly every Citizen of Middle Earth is already planning for the celebration to accompany that stupendous day when the Incomparable Moron returns to the one activity for which he was truly brought to life, and that is clearing brush.

In the movie "Wag the Dog," the beret-wearing groupie pre-dated the actual appearance of Ms. Monica Lewinsky by more than a year. Now it is difficult to ignore the physical similarity between the actor, Smits, and the politician, Obama. Add in the facts that both reflect recent ethnic immigration to this great land, and both exhibit limited experience in the legislative scenario, then the dialogue itself in the "West Wing" begins to echo in memory. Is it possible that the very talented production team simply took a wild-assed gamble, and that it paid off? Or is there a wider conspiracy?

Frodo believes it is all about Hope, and that is no reference to a whistle-stop community in Arkansas. Our realities may indeed reference our fantasies, and our dreams, it logically follows, can come true. Behavioral Scientists will caution us not to put too much faith into the conduct of a single leader, no matter how noble and just he may appear because, above all else, he too is only human (or Halfling). Perhaps that is sage advice, and Frodo agrees that putting too much trust gives too much power. What, though, is life without passion, and the future without dreams of better days ahead?

When he started these dialogues Frodo naturally identified those in the Fellowship, and Sauron was immediately discernible. The Elves and the Dwarves, the Men of Gondor and the Riders of Rohan, yes and even the Orcs were also cast upon his stage. Only Aragorn has stood in the wings, waiting to be cued.

Enter Sir, stage left, Frodo and his friends await.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:48 PM EDT

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Sunday, October 22, 2006

If There's Anything That You Want, If There's Anything I Can Do
Mood:

surprised
Topic: "Like a Barack" (2)
Bilbo sat impatiently next to Frodo, then sprang afoot and burst out with the following:

"All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken:
The crownless again shall be king."

Bilbo again sat next to Frodo and whispered, "I made that up myself, for (Aragorn) a long time ago when he first told me about himself. I almost wish that my adventures were not over, and that I could go with him when his day comes."

Today, Barack Obama opened the door, if only so slightly, to the possibility of his candidacy for the Presidency of the United States. If elected, he would be three years older than was John F. Kennedy when he assumed the Presidency in 1960. Although he has but two years of service in the United States Senate, Frodo is enthused about his lack of experience.

The current leadership of our fair land is dominated by men who have served as Governors, Congressmen, Cabinet Secretaries, Private Industry CEO's, Owners of Baseball Teams, and other equally impressive titles, on paper. Look, dear reader, at the effectiveness of the Bush/Cheney/Rumsfeld triumvirate for all their experience. Obama has written a book, entitled "The Audacity of Hope," and in that book he makes the argument that the experiences of the 1960's have woven the intransigence of our present dilemma. Frodo remembers those days, and sees the wisdom in his words.

Perhaps the word is going out that this is the time, and that this is surely the place. Born in this century, tempered by war, and brought to this land of hope and dreams to receive a torch. Frodo asks what he can do to bring about the brighter day.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:46 PM EDT

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Thursday, October 19, 2006

Every Boy Wants a Girl He Can Trust to The Very End
Mood:

chatty
Topic: "Look Who's Talkin'" (2)

Former Congressman Foley appeared to be taking the coward's way out. Oh no, it couldn't be his fault, it had to be the alcohol! Another politician signs his name to the register under the name of Betty Ford, and that would end his culpability in whatever really took place, or, at least, that is what Frodo thought. For Former Congressman Foley also alleged that he was the victim of sexual abuse by a Priest.

Frodo admits that he has been stymied as to the rationale of Former Congressman Foley's allegation. What is even more confusing is the fact that it appears to be true. Today an intrepid reporter tracked down this goofball Priest on some little dinky island off the coast of Malta, for the love of Mike. Sounding entirely akin to Peter Lorre in "Arsenic and Old Lace," this weirdo admitted to the "touching" and the "fondling" of little Former Congressman Foley 39 years ago. He commented on the fact that they went "skinny-dipping," and took saunas together in the nude. He denied any "penetration" or "rape," however.

As bizarre as it is, Frodo still can't figure why Former Congressman Foley raised the issue? He had already established his argument as a drunk who was not responsible for his actions. Was this a determined effort to strike back at his Church for allowing him to be victimized as a 12 year-old? Could it be that he was intentionally attempting to expose the secretive coziness of secular leadership to the unpublicized criminal behavior of religious leaders? Or could it be that Former Congressman Foley simply wanted to humiliate the leadership of his own Party by allowing this "scandal" to drip on, day-by-day, and never leave the public eye in the electoral season? There seems to be plenty of reason to speculate about the motivations of this sad little man.

Frodo has a theory. Potential Fact 1--Former Congressman Foley has pictures. Potential Fact 2--Former Congressman Foley needs money. Ergo, only those who know that their faces do not appear in the photographs publicly recall exactly when they became aware of Former Congressman Foley's aberrant behavior.

Frodo wonders exactly where Former Congressman Foley has stored the multimedia cards for his digital camera.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:52 PM EDT

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Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Easy Like Sunday Morning
Mood:

bright
Topic: "Camp Pleasant" (2)
Faramir and Frodo feared for the future. This alliteration emanates from the time when the Fellowship first began, and poverty and lack of educational opportunity were clearly delineated amongst Citizens in Middle Earth. Faramir and Frodo found each other while they individually searched for a "relevant" course for their energies in turbulent times. For Frodo, Camp Pleasant started as a summer job, for Faramir it was a life's calling.

The Family & Child Services of Washington, D.C., and THE EVENING STAR, a now defunct afternoon newspaper, sponsored a program called "Send a Kid to Camp." Five two-week sessions of residential summer camp for inner-city kids were conducted in the Prince William Forest Park by the agency, the expenses of which were covered by donations collected by the newspaper. The counselors and team leaders were usually idealistic young Hobbits of college age. They were mostly white. The campers, nominated to attend by social workers, were mostly black, poor, and all of them were no more than 12 years-old. The idea was to give kids a chance to have some fun, and three squares a day.

The fourth session was the one that troubled Frodo and Faramir the most. All of the campers were inmates of a Youth Detention Center known as "Maple Glen." When they got off the bus that first day, they all wore white tee shirts, blue jeans, and combat boots. They marched everywhere, and no one smiled. Frodo and Faramir spent days doing their best to break down the walls, and to make the kids have a good time.

Out beyond the campgrounds, in the middle of the Park, there stood the remains of an old pyrite mine ("Fools' Gold" is a component of several chemical processes). It was a good distance for a day's hike-and-back, and usually the kids had a good time looking for rabbits and picking plums off old trees. The kids from Maple Glen just marched. They marched to the mine, ate their lunch, and they were marching back. Frodo knew that he had to "change the course."

Frodo watched as the boys waded across one of the many creeks along the trail. He waded into a wide pool, cupped his hands, and pulled up a big slug of mud from the stream bed. Without a word he threw the mudball toward the back of Faramir. Faramir turned, with vengeance in his eyes, and waded into the creek. He raised his hands with a similar weapon and discharged it in the direction of the elusive Frodo. The mud ball hit one of the campers right square in the mouth. As Frodo and Faramir looked on in horror, they noticed the teeth grinning through the mud, and they felt the first of the onslaught from all directions. The battle continued until all were exhausted, and covered in mud from head-to-toe (Somehow a picture of John Belushi comes to mind as Frodo recounted the tale).

Finally the weary combatants assembled on the other shore and, young and younger, they walked back to camp, arm-in-arm. The mud, of course, was drying cement-like on each, but that only inspired them to break ranks, and to sing songs together.

"We are the Cherokee, mighty mighty Cherokee,
Everywhere we go-oh, people wanna know-oh,
Who we are, so we tell them,
We are the Cherokee, mighty mighty Cherokee,
Oooh Aaah!"

The entire camp turned out to see the boys from the Cherokee lodges of Camp Pleasant. The Director grinned from ear-to-ear as Frodo and Faramir led the group into the showers. All of the boys were laughing.

The days that followed went far too quickly. When the day came that the buses arrived to take the boys back to Maple Glen, it would've been very hard to determine whose heart broke more. Frodo knows now.

Faramir became a Priest. After many years, he left and has since married. He has a son.

Frodo has not forgotten those who were small and weak. Every once in a while you can find him making mud-balls, and smiling.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:15 PM EDT

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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Don't Sleep in The Subway Darlin', Don't Stand in The Pouring Rain
Mood:

don't ask
Topic: "Silence of the Lambs"(2)
"Bring in the first Prisoner."
"State your name for the record."
"Why am I here?"
"Your name please!"
"Look, I don't know who you are, I don't know why I'm here, and I'm not telling you anything. I demand a lawyer."
"You will answer the questions put before you by this tribunal."
"And if I choose not to do so?"
"You will suffer the consequences."
"No one has informed me of my rights."
"No one is required to inform you of anything."
"Yeah, well according to the MIRANDA decision. . ."
"The reference you make does not apply because you have been deemed to be an 'unlawful enemy combatant'."
"What? Deemed by whom?"
"This tribunal."
"Listen dude, I don't know who you are, and I don't know what this is all about, but somebody has made a big mistake."
"I repeat, state your name for the record."
"I refuse to answer based on my rights under the Fifth Amendment of the US Constitution."
"As I stated previously, you are subject only to the authority granted to the President by the Congress of the United States on this date in American history. The President has thereby directed the creation of this tribunal in order to provide for the public safety by bringing unlawful enemy combatants into the legal system expeditiously. Now, what is your name, boy?"
"I was born in this country. I am a free man. I have rights as a citizen."
"I am telling you to provide this tribunal with your name and I will not ask you again."
"Good. I see I'm finally getting through to you."
"Bailiff, remove this enemy of the people, and let him sit in a cell until he is ready to answer the questions of this tribunal."
"You can't do this. My God, this is America."

What you have just read, dear reader, according to Frodo, is all legal and consistent with the signing into law of that which removes "Habeas Corpus" from the rights of an American citizen. You, an American citizen, can be brought before some who may question your loyalty, and you can be imprisoned without the rights granted to you by the Constitution of the United States.

TS Eliot said that our world would end not with a bang, but with a whimper. While you worried, dear reader, about whether or not the Cardinals could go a game up on the Mets, or if gas prices were going to go back to $3 a gallon, you created the framework for despotism that you once read about in the book "Animal Farm."

Frodo and Sam are picking up the pace to reach the summit of Mount Doom, to destroy the Ring. The Dead must follow Aragorn into battle at Pelennor Fields, for the living who face Sauron are too few.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:24 PM EDT

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Monday, October 16, 2006

Thunder Only Happens When It's Raining
Mood:

special
Topic: "Vote for Steve" (2)
Frodo and Sam will not be around to vote on Election Day. Following all procedural guidelines properly, they received absentee ballots in the mail and today submitted them for tabulation. The early returns are in, and the Republican fears of a Democratic landslide are supported by the evidence.

In a "Red State," there are many uncontested races; simply because inertia dictates that a nameless, faceless incumbent is nearly unbeatable. Frodo seethes at the perennial re-election of State Representative Bobby Franklin, who has never submitted a bill for consideration nor taken any kind of stand on any controversial issue. He does however, send out nice little magnetic calendars for your refrigerator. Representative Franklin, a Republican, naturally, opposes the things you're against, and he is in favor of the things you are for, whoever you may be, and whatever your opinions are when he is around. Politely, Bobby Franklin is pond scum.

Frodo's next door-neighbor in the Shire, recognized by the creatures therein as "Mr. Steve," is a nice man. Mr. Steve has two dogs and a mortgage. He works multiple jobs, and he spends every free hour trying to make his yard into an environmental showplace. Mr. Steve is a fan of "The McLauglin Group" on TV, and "Air America" on radio. Mr. Steve also agrees with Frodo that George W. Bush is a horse's ass.

Frodo likes Mr. Steve. Frodo wrote-in the name of Mr. Steve to oppose Representative Bobby Franklin. Frodo would like to urge any other future voters in the jurisdictions which include the Shire to write-in Mr. Steve for State Representative.

Frodo approves this message.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:28 PM EDT

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Saturday, October 14, 2006

I'm On My Way, I Don't Know Where I'm Going
Mood:

happy
Topic: "Autumnal Observances"(2)
All of a sudden Frodo awakes hoping that the first frost did not strike the Shire; semi-tropical plants drop leaves and die if that happens. Relief turns to purpose and Frodo begins to organize the pots into which the hibiscus and scheffelera, planted outside during the warm seasons, are to be transferred. Above, Frodo clearly observes the older squirrels patching the tree-top nests to off-set the coming winter winds, while the first-year "dumb ones" make a feast of the blazing red seed of the dogwoods. Beau Neau is on patrol all about the grounds as small creatures gather the fall harvest into cavernous shelters. Mick (the Wonder Dog), Fiona, and Georgia are taking advantage of patches of soothing sunlight. There seems to be a sense of urgency encompassing all who share the Shire.

Despite the scientific evidence that all of Middle Earth grows warmer, Frodo knows that we are due for an onslaught of winter weather. A big snow, and gale-like winds from the West have not disappeared from the weather charts for the remainder of the milennium. The absence of tropical storms during the warm seasons portend an increase in the severity of the cold days ahead.

After the great storm of 1993, Frodo bought a snow shovel and hung it in his garage adjacent to his motorcar. The cobwebs that cover it need to be dusted away. A kerosene heater, with fresh kerosene, and a battery-powered TV-radio will receive tune-ups and testing. The battery in the laptop will be replaced. Vulnerable limbs will be trimmed back to prevent ice accumulation over outside wiring.

A little cool weather and Frodo becomes the personification of "the Energizer Bunny." In all likelihood, the Shire will experience another mild winter, and little use will be made of any of Frodo's frenzied preparations. There is, however, this acute sense of foreboding.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:34 AM EDT

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Friday, October 13, 2006

Blinded by The Light
Mood:

crushed out
Topic: "Sauron Psalms" (2)

Frodo has been considering the ecumenical status of political life. He has been researching his memory for a single instance in any of the collected statements of George W. Bush in which the speaker has cited a biblical chapter and verse. "Wouldn't it seem logical," said Frodo, "that this, the President who has most depended on a public display of faith, would fill his speeches with references to the Book of Genesis, or to St. Matthew, or even to Psalms?"

"You raise an interesting point, Mr. Frodo," said Sam. "I cannot recall a single instance where the President has ever mentioned the most rudimentary citation, John 3:16 for example."

"Sam, he's reminded of that citation every time he turns on a sporting event."

"That raises a question Mr. Frodo, what ever happened to that goofy white guy with the rainbow wig that seemed to find his way into every sports arena, in front of every camera, wiith a sign in reference to John 3:16?"

"You know Sam, come to think of it, I can't recall seeing him, at least since before Hurricane Katrina."

"And what about Chicken George?," Sam added. "I haven't seen him in a long time. Hey, what about the San Diego Chicken?"

"Sam, your questions are interesting, but you're getting off my point," cautioned Frodo.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Frodo, it's just that you've made me think about how much things have changed since Sauron took possession of the Ring."

"I understand Sam, and I accept your point that things we took for granted are no longer a part of our everyday lives. It is my belief that the reason that we never hear the President refer to biblical passages is because he doesn't know any."

Sam looked surprised. "You mean that all the 'faith-based this' and faith-based that' is somebody else's idea?"

"Sam, I think it's all a sham, and I don't mean a single reference to 'hair on a bull'."

"That, Mr. Frodo, is a weak joke."

"Sorry Sam, but what I mean is that I've always been suspicious of people who wear their 'faith' on their sleeve, and use it to justify, or even to hide, an ulterior purpose or motive, if you will."

Sam looked puzzled, and gazed toward the horizon. "You think the whole faith thing of George W. Bush is a put-on?"

"Sam, I would bet dollars to donuts that not a single day goes by that George W. Bush does not take the name of the Lord in vain. I believe I could substantiate the fact that he has violated Nine of the Ten Commandments."

Sam paused. "Nine of Ten?"

"That's correct."

"May I be so naive as to inquire as to the one you seem to feel he has honored?"

"Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother."

"I'll buy that. Whose ass has he been coveting? Oh, I forgot about his Secretary of. . ."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:33 PM EDT

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