Mood:  on fire

On the 29th of October, 1978, in Frostbite, Florida, a Space Alien, full of Space Junk Food, defecated on the planet Earth.  From those droppings sprung young Travis Henry.

Twenty-eight years later, Travis "Space Poop" Henry is a running back for the Denver Broncos with a $25 Million contract (which computes to a base MONTHLY salary of $50,000).  After supposedly attending class at the University of Tennessee (sometimes referred to as "The Kindergarten of the South") where he "majored" in SOCIOLOGY, "Space Poop" was drafted by the Buffalo Bills, and subsequently traded to first the Tennessee Titans and now the Denver Broncos.  Along the way "Space Poop" found time to father 9 children by 9 different women in North Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, and other states, too numerous to mention.  Various judges have ordered "Space Poop" to pay child support in 7 different cases so far.

In an extremely unique ruling, DeKalb Superior Court Judge Clarence Seeliger has noted an inability of "Space Poop" to keep current on mandated child support, and therefore required that he establish a $250,000 trust fund in the name of his now three-year old son.  "Space Poop," who is unmarried, "has some concerns and is weighing his options" according to his barrister (Frodo prefers the use of this word as opposed to the more conventional "attorney," simply because it sounds more like "bastard"), Shiel Edlin (Frodo kids you not).  His barrister reports that, although he received a $1 Million bonus to sign with Denver earlier this year, "He doesn't have any money.  The guy has significant financial issues."  The barrister slaving on behalf of the mother of the three-year-old reports that after taxes were subtracted from the bonus, "Space Poop" spent the remainder on a new Mercedes and gold jewelry.

If these facts, dear reader, aren't enough to make you agree with Frodo's depiction of MISTER Henry as "Space Poop," then get this.  Under court-mandated custody arrangements, in order to save time, "Space Poop" proposed gathering all 9 children TOGETHER and letting them attend training camp for two weeks with dear, old Dad.  Now that would be a families reunion, wouldn't it?  Barrister Edlin, acting in support of his client said, "I know these are a lot of kids, and there might be some questions about it, but he's a really committed father."

Dear reader, Frodo does not know Judge Seeliger, but he thinks the establishment of a trust fund, requiring the payment of child support up front, is the solution to a very big problem.  If you have a mind, why not contact your State Representative and suggest something similar where you live?  Maybe there will be something good to be found in "Space Poop" after all.

In the meantime, Frodo sincerely hopes the Denver Broncos, and the University of Tennessee, go winless in the upcoming season.  Not unlike Michael Vick, there is a lot of "reprehensible" behavior out there, and nothing will change until we make them pull up their pants.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 12:54 PM EDT

Updated: Saturday, August 25, 2007 1:29 PM EDT

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Mood:  silly

Lynn Oberkrom and his family were not doing anything particularly unusual last Monday evening.  Gathered together in their Stockbridge, Georgia, backyard, they were grilling hamburgers and hot dogs for dinner.  Lynn then noticed a severed human finger lying under a table. 

Acting entirely appropriately, he did what Frodo would have done; he called the police.  He should have known better.

When investigators from the Rockdale County (home turf of reactionary Congressman Lynn Westmoreland) Sheriff's office showed up, they began to collect forensic evidence.  Pictures were taken of the finger and a complete search of the Oberkrom household was performed.  The finger was taken and delivered to the DeKalb County (Representative Westmoreland has not seen fit to push for a facility of this nature in his conservative district) Medical Examiner's office for tests.  Deputies concurrently used dogs and a Georgia State Patrol helicopter (need it be noted that Representative Westmoreland doesn't see the necessity of such a vehicle in his district) to search the nearby woods for approximately three hours.

The finger arrived in Medical Examiner Woody Hall's laboratory in a sealed plastic bag.  Outwardly the finger appeared normal, although it was caked with dirt, leading one officer to speculate that it may have been brought into the backyard by the family dog.  No statement had been taken from "Baker," the family schnauzer.  When Hall removed the finger from the bag and cleaned it, in order to take a fingerprint, he noted something odd.  The finger was made of rubber.

A telephone call brought the dogs back in from the search, and the helicopter returned to its pad at State Patrol headquarters.

It was a middle finger. 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:39 PM EDT

Updated: Friday, August 24, 2007 8:59 PM EDT

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Mood:  chatty

To imply that Frodo's mind wanders from time-to-time is not an epiphany.  He readily admits that the most innocent of observances will instantly recall an event or time which helped to shape his Hobbithood.  The consideration of Mother Nature is similarly what must have struck the fancy of Charles Darwin, the imagination of Samuel Clemens, and certainly the curiosity of Benjamin Franklin.  Why, pray tell, can't Frodo then be afforded the luxury of social commentary based on the considerations of life in the Shire?

While proceeding at a snail's pace in his motorcar to and from Mount Doom, Frodo has had plenty of time to notice those who steer the consumers of fossil fuel.  He has noted that the physical characteristics of some pilots are extremely similar depending on the size and style of the motorcar.  Although not universally true, it is indeed highly probable that a "mini-van" of any make or model, of any color whatsoever, with a noticeably wide rear end, is directed by a past puberty female, probably also past that of her offspring, who is talking on a cell phone.  Frodo has noted this in 22 of the last 25 such motorcars to block his path this past day.

Carl Reiner and Alan Arkin starred in one of the truly great comedic films of all time, "The Russians are Coming, The Russians are Coming."  For memory sake, remember dear reader that the Soviet submarine ran aground off the coast of "Glockester," where Reiner and his family were vacationing.  In their attempt to avoid detection and escape without causing an international incident, the Soviet sailors had to paralyze communications on the island.  In this case, at that time, there were no cell phones, and the sailors were able to bind and gag the local telephone company operative, in a chair hanging from the wall on a hook.  When the islanders discovered the presence of the perceived invaders, their inability to communicate led first to the proverbial "Keystone Kops" chase scenes, and then to the poignant conclusion which left a lump in the throat of every one who has ever loved a movie.

Frodo's point is that none of the events at "Glockester" can ever again occur as a believable framework in truth or ficition because of the little piece of technology that seems to occupy the ear of every inattentive driver on America's highways.  Every teen-ager on the island would've had a cell phone to call in the Marines, the Air Force, and anybody else that would've acted to blow that submarine right out of the water.  In addition to the fact that there is no more Soviet Union, there is a whole generation out there that will never understand why Frodo's eyes sparkle when he hears "One-ringy-dingy; two ringy-dingy; Hello, is this the party to whom I'm speaking."

Ernestine, please come home.  

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:08 PM EDT

Updated: Wednesday, August 22, 2007 10:44 PM EDT

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Mood:  sad

Frodo is in one of the funks of depression.  It is not serious, but a reflection of disturbing news upon disturbing news.  Watching "Nature" on the black-and-white last evening, Frodo observed the courage and the selfless determination of so many people working on behalf of the creatures stranded by Hurricane Katrina.  Tears on his cheeks, glistening in the reflected light, praying that "Thunder" and others somehow survived.  Frodo wanted to kiss the hand of a veterinarianess from Boston who forsook home and family to do what she must.  Then he heard the numbers; 250,000 pets had been left behind, and 15,000 had been rescued.  Save yourself a little mental exercise dear reader, that is 6%.

Michael Vick will plead guilty in a Federal Court on Monday next.  He will admit and take responsibility for the interstate transit of dogs for the purposes of gambling and fighting.  This plea, after initially denying any involvement whatsoever, will result in a felony conviction and time in a penitentiary.  The gifted athlete will likely never play professional football again.   He is evidently going to admit that he "executed" dogs who did not exhibit sufficient ardor in the ring.

Frodo once incensed a roomful of fellow graduate students when he argued that the Holocaust was not an "inhuman" aberration, rather it evidenced "humanity."  Frodo said that there are so many recorded instances of terror and cruelty in the History of Man that it cannot therefore be argued that such behavior is irregular.  "It is," he stated, "clear that Man accepts violence and torture as normal conduct, not insanity."  Frodo gets depressed because this argument is evidenced factually, time and again.  Whether it be "water boarding" or "dog fighting," there are too many arguments in support of such conduct to look upon these acts as anything other than routine.  

The Space Shuttle will be passing overhead in a few minutes, since the threat of Hurrican Dean requires an earlier return.  The Space Station may also be observable as a result.  Frodo feels a need to peer into the heavens tonight.  Maybe everybody does. 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:40 PM EDT

Updated: Monday, August 20, 2007 9:16 PM EDT

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Mood:  hug me

Prissy entered Frodo's life in the home town of country music.  Strangely enough, she seemed to look the other way whenever Frodo warbled the words of Hank Williams or Johnny Cash.  It was as if she had heard all the country music she could stand, and there had to be something more appealing.  It was about that time that first she noticed people wearing hats.

Driving along on any downtown street, small town or big city, Prissy seemed to notice black people with floppy hats.  In those days floppy hats were the fashion to go along with the defining notes of disco, and Prissy took exception to the dictates of the moment.  Sitting alongside Frodo in his motorcar, she would rise up and raise holy havoc with any passer-by who fit her definition of fashionably egregious.  Frodo suffered many stares of anger from innocents startled by a combination dachshund and beagle under his titular control.  Frodo learned to accelerate from stoplights at a rate which would bring envy to anyone name Earnhardt or Waltrip.

Despite her concern with appearances, Prissy seemed to enjoy the soft and melodic tones of soul music.  She would sit upright far back in the passenger-side seat of Frodo's motorcar, and grin ear-to-ear whenever Johnny Mathis or Marvin Gaye told her that they dreamed of her at night.  The country girl had found something close to her roots, but different enough to open doors she'd never before considered.  Prissy was a lot like America after Elvis came along.

One night Frodo and Sam found Prissy on her side breathing each breath as if it would be the last.  Although she was well up in her teens, she'd been in for her physical but a week before, and was pronounced in good shape.  Driving his motorcar as if every second counted, Frodo carried Prissy into the emergency facilities of his veterinarian, whom Frodo long ago dubbed "Dr. Two Porsches."  The doctor fitst checked her blood and turned to Frodo with an astonished look, saying "Mr. Frodo, your dog is diabetic."

Reminded that her blood had been checked but a week before, and was found normal,  the two-leggers merely stared at one another.  Then Prissy began to gag.  In a matter of seconds she began to throw up the most beautiful purple mixture all over the tile floor of "Dr. Two Porsches."  As Sam cuddled the now spent canine, Frodo and the doctor looked at the product on the floor.  "Blueberries," he said, "she devoured a ton of blueberries."  Sam and Frodo both recalled the disposition of a baked product they had ben unable to finish.  The little beggar had made her way into the garbage and devoured the entire pie.

As the relieved family headed home, it was Fats Domino on the radio, and they all joined him in the chorus.  Frodo thinks of that little dog to this day, and he remembers how he found that thrill.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:15 PM EDT

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Mood:  energetic

Frodo has been considering the similarities between sports and politics.  This came to mind when he realized that, for the first time, a political candidate is a walking advertisement for a major college sports presence.  If all other factors were equal, given the predisposition to college football in the American South, it would seem quite likely that all of the popular vote in and around Tuscaloosa, Alabama, would go to Senator O'Bama!  Of course, there would also probably be a great deal of resistance to his candidacy in and around the plains of Auburn.

Mitt Romney had to have been a cheerleader.  Frodo delights in making mockery of Romney's multitudinous positions on the same issues, depending only to whom he is speaking.  Frodo's best impersonation of Mitt is when he stands, hands on hips, and begins to chant "Lean to the left, Lean to the right, stand up, sit down, fight, fight, fight!"  

The "cuts" are already beginning from the try-outs for the Presidency.  Tommy Thompson has acknowledged a lack of traction in his campaign, as have Duncan Hunter and Ron Paul on the Republican side of the ledger.  Democrat Mike Gravel is increasingly less visible; which means that he is almost invisible.  For these players there is no "Junior Varsity" to snap them up and develop them for the next political season.

Football coaches spend countless hours examining video of practices, previous games by their opponents, and reviews of their own just concluded games.  This allows the development of "stragedy," and a "game plan" so that "victory" is assured.  That does sound a little bit like a speech by a football coach who hasn't won a single game, or a failed President, doesn't it?  Frodo has developed an acronym for the political party which constantly seems to foster this approach to the future.  He calls them the "GIP."

The "Good Ideas Party (GIP)" gave you the "domino theory," when they told you that if you didn't confront Communism in one country, then you were bound to observe all their neighbors falling like dominos.  The GIP advocates tell you that single-payer universal healthcare is "socialized medicine," and that you should put your faith in private insurance, although that has never even been tried anywhere ever before.  Hey, it's a "good idea," isn't it?  And what about bringing "freedom" to the Middle East, hasn't that been really been another GIP?

What concerns Frodo the most about all of this is that our team is now facing a very severe challenge from an undisciplined, small cadre of dedicated athletes.  They have no money, few places to practice, and none of the equipment we have, but they are beating us up and down the field.   They win because they have better coaching.     

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:12 AM EDT

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Mood:  vegas lucky

One thing that we all share, dear reader, are seminal moments in time.  There is a point where each of us realizes that we have reached a new plateau, and that the time remaining will be different from the time past.  Frodo remembers a night, 30 years ago this month, when his youth was no more, and he was rudely delivered to the next level of his life.  One of the truly creative masterpieces in the American art form was no more, and suddenly, Frodo was much older.

One of Frodo's fellow Hobbits had a spouse attending Middle Tennessee State University in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, and when it was announced that Elvis Presley would be performing in concert, she asked Frodo and Sam if they would like tickets.  Frodo would have taken out a second mortgage on his house, had he one at the time, because the opportunity to see "The King" in person was an opportunity both rare and spectacular.  To this day, both Frodo and Sam attest that it was the single best "show" "concert" "exhibition" that either have seen, and that is not faint praise.

It opened with "Also Sprach Zarathustra," familiar to those who knew the movie "2001:  A Space Odyssey," and continued all the way to the "Elvis has left the building," announcement once he exited the stage.  He must have received 50 bouquets of roses from dauntless female admirers, and handed out at least a dozen kerchiefs from around his neck to those who risked life and limb to rush the stage.  He performed almost every song Frodo could sing with him, and he entranced an auditorium of those who were already convinced that they were in the presence of something truly unique, and yes, dear reader, truly great.

In tribute this evening, imagine yourself in a motorcar, Frodo (looking a great deal like Anthony) is driving, and you are one of the "Designing Women" driven home from Memphis to Atlanta late at night, and the radio is playing, just for you. 

For any male readers, kiss off, you'd never understand.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 7:44 PM EDT

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Mood:  accident prone

Frodo proposed doing something a little bit different this evening.  It was Frodo's suggestion to offer a brief commentary which, because of the format, would be even more nonsensical than most of his creations, then to simply quote the information which is the subject of this missive.  There is very little left to say once these facts are presented.  Frodo, however, has an impish quality which is enhanced by the mind-numbing stupidity of the most intelligent creatures to ever walk our small blue planet.  Apologies beforehand Merry and Eowyn, and others girded for battle, humor is required when  minds such as these are at hand.  Pretend that it is merely James Thurber proffering his battle plan in the wars of his writings.

"The Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary (Nashville) offers coursework in Greek and Hebrew, in archaeology, in the philosophy of religion, and--starting this fall--in how to cook and sew.  One of the nation's largest Southern Baptist seminaries, the school is introducing a new, WOMEN ONLY (capitalization added without charge) academic program in homemaking--a 23-hour concentration that counts toward a bachelor of arts degree in humanities.  The program is aimed at helping establish what Southwestern's president (anybody wanna wager on which side of the battle of sexes is represented by the institutional leadership?) calls biblical family and gender roles (Oh Merry, while you're up would you cut Frodo a slice of rhubarb pie?).  Coursework will include seven hours of nutrition and meal preparation (farewell to 'Hamburger Helper'), seven hours of textile design and 'clothing construction', three hours of general homemaking (Eowyn, Frodo seems to have tracked some dog poop into the living room, can you clean it up?), three hours on the 'value of a child, and three hours on the 'biblical model for the home and family.'"

Even impish Frodo could not make fiction stranger than truth when neolithic hodads offer him so much material for pure satire, with just a dash of disgust.  Frodo would make a contribution to her campaign effort if Hillary Clinton would enrol.  Bill could take in the Grand Ole Opry while the former First Lady pulled the underwear of President Paige Patterson up over his head and tied the waist band into a knot up above his head.  It would take a miracle for him to ever walk upright.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:52 PM EDT

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Mood:  irritated

Getting angry doesn't do anyone any good; as Satchel Paige once said, "it agitates the blood."  Frodo is tempted by the Ring from time-to-time however, and he can't help but wish evil thoughts, even on the hopelessly vexed.  Former Governor of Massachusetts (or someplace that harbors a college that matriculates idiots known as "legacies") Mitt Romney has gone public with something that makes Frodo's blood stream a bit agitated.  It has to do with Romney's five sons, and their service to our country.

Romney said today that his five sons are serving our country by working for his election, in contrast to those who choose to serve our country by joining the military, and putting their sacred life, honor, and fortune on the firing line.  Romney had the unmitigated gall, and impudent judgment to compare sacrifices such as PFC Jesus Fonseca, whose funeral Frodo attended, to the children he protects from harm's way.

How does a character like Romney look Senator James Webb (D-Va) in the eye?  Romney, even if he is a decent man, will obviously say whatever it takes to get himself nominated.  Frodo truly hopes that he does get the Republican nomination for the Presidency.  Frodo truly believes that he would not only fail to carry Massachusetts, but he would even lose in Utah.  Mike Gravel, for the love of Pete, would even defeat Mitt Romney.

Frodo stops for a moment, and looks away from Mount Doom toward the Black Gate, where so many in arms are gathered.  Frodo knows they depend on him and Sam.  It gives Frodo the strength to turn upward again, knowing that so many lives depend on the destruction of the Ring.  Mitt Romney, because he has no values at all, is an unwitting assistant in the struggle against his fellow Orcs.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:46 PM EDT

Updated: Thursday, August 9, 2007 9:12 PM EDT

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Mood:  special

"This is not sports."-- Jonathan Alter, NEWSWEEK, speaking to his two teenaged sons while watching the Democratic Debate in Chicago last evening; just after Steve Skvara uttered the following, "What's wrong with America, and what will you do to change it?"

"I congratulate Barry Bonds, and his family, on this historical event."--Henry Aaron, ATLANTA BRAVES, speaking on video to the throng in San Francisco who had just watched the 756th career home run  hit by the Giants outfielder.

Two moments in history, dear reader.  One will be chronicled as long as interest remains, and the other will be no more than a footnote.  Frodo has been contemplating the hypothetical this evening, wondering if he would rather be Barry Bonds or Steve Skvara.  If he were Bonds, he would have wealth beyond comprehension, and he would have an open door into any place he'd ever dreamed of being.  If he were Steve Skvara, he would sit across a kitchen table looking at the woman who had shared his life, thinking that now, when she needed him the most, he would be unable to provide basic care for her well-being.

A foolish question you say, dear reader?

Baseball has always been a part of Frodo, but right now he could care less.  He watched a good man last night, whose career ended in disability brought on by an accident in a motorcar.  The good man who had been promised a pension, and affordable health care for his service, watched his former employer collapse into bankruptcy.  All of the promises made dissolved, leaving him unable to either work or to provide for the good woman who had been with him all along.  With courage and emotion he turned his lonely eyes to those on the podium and asked them if they were Joe DiMaggio?

Frodo stood and cheered.  Steve Skvara hit a home run, and it went further and meant more than all of the tape measures wrought by the actions of Barry Bonds.   Jonathan Alter got it right, and his sons are fortunate to have a father so wise. 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:55 PM EDT

Updated: Wednesday, August 8, 2007 11:19 PM EDT

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