Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Monday, April 4, 2005

I On the Opposite Shore Will Be
Mood:

energetic
Topic: "Shoot 'em, Vern"
The United States Border Patrol is protesting the assistance of the "Minuteman Patrol." The volunteers, many of whom are armed, have been accidentally tripping hidden alarms utilized by the Border Patrol to indicate illegal aliens attempting to cross from Mexico into Arizona. Quixotically named for the Patriots who were ready on a "minutes' notice" during the American Revolution, this motley crew of volunteers resembles Friday night at the "Golden Corral Steakhouse" buffet table. Sadly, few of them have ever missed a single call for chow.

Centered around the Arizona community of Tombstone, once known as the "town too tough to die," the Minutemen are acting to stem the flow of Mexican labor terrorists into the construction sites and poultry processing plants of America. Tucson and Phoenix, the largest cities in Arizona, are the jumping off spots for illegals who make their way into virtually every State in the Union in search of all things, work. Virtually 100% of the illegals are Catholic, born into a society whose dominant religion discourages birth control, and whose government is unable to provide sufficient opportunity to support the burgeoning population.

How appropriate that in Phoenix, home of the Cardinals, they are working diligently to identify a successsor to the recently-departed John Paul, who steadfastly refused to admit that his Church was out-producing the ability of our planet to feed all these little parishoners. Actually, Frodo thinks that the Cardinals are such losers that they ought to turn the election over to the Falcons, or the Packers, or even dare we say, the Patriots.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:27 PM EDT

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Sunday, April 3, 2005

Double Bubble, Toil and Trouble. . .
Mood:

hug me
Topic: "Wedding Bell Blues"
By all indications the Pope will be buried this coming Friday. Unfortunately, the Prince of Wales, Charles, is to be wed for the second time to the Commoner, Camilla Parker-Bowles, on the same day. Now had the old boy merely hung on for another day or so, all of this potential unpleasantness might be avoided. The happy couple could have stopped by for the services on their way to the Riviera. Then again, it was rather cheeky for the Prince to advance his plans so far given the tenuous nature of the Pope's health. Had they merely looked at a point later in the year then all of the awkwardness could have been eliminated entirely.

I dare say that someone needs to represent the Empire. Since the Queen Mum has already announced her unwillingness to attend the nuptials (after all they are being held so I've heard in the same rear seat of the Royal Land Rover where the marriage was first consummated some years ago), it would be unseemly for her to appear at a funeral instead. The same may be said for her husband (oh dear, I have forgotten the blighter's name, again).

This is a royal dilemma for which Frodo has an absolutely divine solution. Diana will attend.

As an angel, Prince Charles' first wife will be in a fitting position to pay homage to the leader of all the worlds' Catholics. Diana would also be in position to request her friend Sir Elton John to compose a third version of his memorial masterpiece "Candle in the Wind," and to devote it to the Pontiff. The profit, of course, would add to the coffers of the charities championed both by Diana and John Paul.

Edward? No. Albert? No. William? No (damn, what is the name of that bloke)?

Should Diana not be able to attend, there appears to be no alternative, but for the couple to either marry early in the morning and catch the red-eye to Rome, or to have somebody perform the ceremony after the funeral.

Henry? No. Arthur? No. Richard? No (oh well, it'll come to Frodo, probably as he saunters through Harrod's, looking for a gift).

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:48 PM EST

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Saturday, April 2, 2005

Dick and Jane
Mood:

flirty
Topic: "A Woman Scorned"
According to Jane Fonda Hayden-Turner, her second ex-husband often confused the words "magnanimous" and "monogamous." That, she explains in her book, is why she caught him exiting a soiree outside his office in the CNN Tower, within a month of their marriage. Of course, she fails to discuss that this was the second husband who was less than inviolate. It causes Frodo to pause, and to consider all those exercise tapes, and to wonder if maybe Jane might be "all show and no go," if you get my drift.

Ms. Fonda Hayden-Turner also goes to some length to justify her new love affair. "I love the Chekhovian nature of the South: a slowness, a love of talk for its own sake, and the friendliness and humor, the jokes, like heirlooms passed back and forth and an acceptance of people's idiosyncracies. . .And where else can you hear expressions like 'frog strangler' and 'lower than a pregnant duck?'"

Now let's just hold our horses here a moment sweetcakes. Frodo has lived most of his life in the South, and this is the first mention ever of Chekhov, outside of a reference or two in old "Star Trek" reruns. And as for the "acceptance of people's idiosyncracies," we all remember the relationships exposed in "Deliverance," and as for Frodo, he hasn't touched a banjo since first he saw that flick.

The real wonder is the phrase Ms. Fonda Hayden-Turner came up with about a "pregnant duck." I have heard of someone being "lower than a gravedigger's boot," or being so "low that he has to look up to tie his shoes," or even "low enough to pick his nose with his toes." Frodo believes that this reference to some sort of overweight duck is a Fig Newton of her imagination.

Now Frodo does not want to paint his hero, Mr. Ted Turner, as entirely blameless in all this. I mean Frodo will make allowances for someone who has pledged to donate $1 Billion to the United Nations. What's more, Brother Turner has amassed, and lost, at least two fortunes, one his father's, and one his own. Additionally, he was overheard to remark to his son, Teddy, who inquired about his personal situation when Turner Enterprises merged with Time-Warner, "You're toast." How can you not like a guy who takes all of life with a grain of salt? What we also know now is that he also takes whatever he can, when he can, and a "nooner" is part of his doctor's prescription, along with a little lithium, when needed.

Completing my circle on this, I've often considered the literary value of some of the first books Frodo ever read. Bear with me, as Frodo changes Mr. Turner's name to "Dick," and let's review, together, some direct quotations from one of those books, and apply them to Brother Turner and Ms. Fonda Hayden-Turner: "See Dick and Jane. See Jane Come. Come Jane, Come. See Dick Come. . ."

Could I go to jail for this?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:57 PM EST

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Friday, April 1, 2005

I Love the Smell of Napalm in the Morning
Mood:

mischievious
Topic: "Preemptive Invasion"
President George W. Bush today declared the War on Drugs as "Mission Accomplished." Standing amidst a field of poppies in Flanders, President Bush acknowledged the unfortunate destruction of nearby villages and towns and the loss of innocent lives. "These places with strange sounding names like Brussels and Ghent have been clearly documented as sources of fields of poppies all the way back to the days before World War I."
The President went on to say "Our nation owes a debt of gratitude to the irrefutable evidence amassed by the Intelligence Agencies and the Department of Defense."

Reacting to criticism by wimpy Judges and misguided Social Security recipients, President Bush noted that the Belgian Government had failed to respond to numerous telephone calls from the newly-selected President of the World Bank. "Mr. Wolfowitz dialed 411 all evening trying to get the name and phone number of the Head of State. He left message after message, and no one chose to respond. The United States had no choice but to protect her National Security by averting the imminent shipment across our national border of Narcotics of Mass Delusion."

UN Secretary General Kofi Annan met in emergency session with US Secretary of State Condeleeza Rice. Secretary Rice provided the Secretary General with a copy of a poem, dated 1918, which, she stated afterwards, convinced the Secretary General that there were fields of poppies growing in Belgium.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair announced his Governments' "complete and thorough" support for the strike against this "rogue state." German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder noted that his Country had attempted similar action twice before, and he applauded the "Coalition" victory. "President Bush, acted" he said "in the tradition of strong leaders bent on making the trains run on time and keeping the homeland secure against inferiors."

It is the First of April, isn't it?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:02 PM EST

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Thursday, March 31, 2005

The Supremes Rock
Mood:

lyrical
Topic: "Souter Rules, Dude"
Grokster, the software maker that allows Internet users to share computer files, got some positive vibes during their showdown with the Hollywood studios and the recording industry before the Supreme Court of the United States.

Check out the following from the mouth of Justice David Souter, the least technically minded of the Justices, who still drafts his opinions by hand on a legal pad.

". . .envision a guy sitting in his garage inventing the iPod. I know perfectly well that I can buy a CD and put it on my iPod, but I also know if I can get (tunes) without buying them, I'm going to do so." Imagine Mr. Spicolli at Ridgemont High giving the "Judge Guy" a "high-five" on that admission! Souter went on to ask "How do we give the developer the confidence to go ahead. . .why isn't a foregone conclusion from the outset that the guy in the garage is going to lose his shirt?"

In briefs as "friends of the court," allies in technology industries and civil liberties organizations have depicted file-sharing as useful, if not vital, means of expanding knowledge by archiving lawful material in the public domain. Grokster is asking the Court to look at all uses of file-sharing, not just the downloading of Snoopy Dogg Doo (or something like that). The Bush Administration (Why am I not surprised?) believes the Court should focus on the actual documented use of the software.

I wonder if Jenna has a thing with Snoopy?

How cool is this picture? There's Souter, leaning back in his big ole chair, with his iPod dangling down inside his robe, checking out Beyonce in all her glory. Don't forget Ruth Bader dude, she'll "Fifty Cent", and keep the change.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:17 PM EST

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Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Saving Private Ryan
Mood:

special
Topic: "Patsy for America"
The 82nd Airborne ships out again.

How many times must the cannonball fly until they are forever banned? How many times Lord have America's Mothers kissed their sons good-bye and turned to you for an answer to this special question?

Frodo stands, silently whispering a prayer, for the safe and swift return of Private Ryan to his family, and especially to his Mother. Let the Gold Star on this post be the only such symbol in either life.

With dignity, and with courageous resolve, another American family faces the uncertainty of war that was never necessary. Damn those responsible for placing them in this maelstrom.

Frodo promises Patsy that he will do what he can to help her destroy the ring. All of us in Middle Earth are with Private Ryan.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:37 PM EST

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Tuesday, March 29, 2005

We Are All The Same, A Story of a Boy's Courage and a Mother's Love
Mood:

a-ok
Topic: "Nkosi"
Jim Wooten, The Penguin Press, 2004

"We are all the same. We are not different from one another. We all belong to one family. We love and we laugh, we hurt and we cry, we live and we die. Care for us and accept us. We are all human beings. We are normal. We have hands. We have feet. We can walk, we can talk--and we have needs just like everyone else. Don't be afraid of us. We are all the same."--Nkosi Johnson, Durban, South Africa.

Today, one in five Africans is Zulu. They are much different from the tribal warrior society chronicled in SHAKA ZULU. After the Colonial Powers assumed power in South Africa, the Zulu were relegated to roles as herdsmen or to subsistence farming. The Colonials built mills and opened mines to take advantage of the natural resources of the tribal lands. The Colonials needed workers, and the Zulu needed work. The problem was location.

Zulu men left their family units to go to where the mines and the mills were located. Long absences broke down the family units. Alcohol and prostitution plagued the men in the company shantytowns that housed them. Women and children grew up in poverty with few providing men around.

The plague that is AIDS infected Nkosi before he was even born. He was sentenced to an early death before he drew his first breath. The ABC News correspondent Jim Wooten got to know this remarkable young man. He has written a journalists' account of this short, but valuable, life. The book carries reviews by Ben Bradlee, David Halberstam, Jim Lehrer, Roger Wilkins, and Bob Woodward.

The story goes beyond Nkosi to include "Mummy Gail." A human being who was touched by the tragedy around her, and who has subordinated her life to doing what governments and arrogance seem to have erased from our collective being.

Frodo learned that his preconceived notions about problems on the other side of his world were dead wrong. Frodo saw that not every ignorant politician is from Texas.

Read this book, Nkosi.

"Nkosi" is Zulu for "Kinsman."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:43 PM EST

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Monday, March 28, 2005

Pass the Biscuits, Mirandy!
Mood:

silly
Topic: "Polish or Polish?"
Does it surprise anyone that there is a new Diet Plan which is all the rage, in Poland? So help me, this dude with overly wavy hair has written a book which prescribes a High Fat Diet. 250 grams of Fat, per day, is the guideline. A four egg omelet, three rashers of bacon, toast, with butter, and a glass of whole cream would comprise about 25% of the minimum Fat content so prescribed daily.

Chicago is the center of activity for the Diet in America. One lady testified to the fact that she had gone from a "size 14" to a "size 4" following the Diet. She was observed with a plateful of pierogies and other assorted yeasty fare one associates with Poles.

The truth is I have never met a Polish person who in anyway resembles a Pole. Frodo has been in many places, and Polish people always seem to be just past middle age, and bulging at the seams. My old buddy, Joe Rakowski from Philly, had been a Marine in his younger days, and was probably the closest to a Polish Adonis in my experience. Even in the Olympics, the only Polish athletes I remember were weightlifters or shotputters. John Paul, the old guy who is the current Pope, looks like most Polish guys I have ever known (just a bit more feeble, however).

There was once, however, a Polish Princess. I imagine even she is now overweight and a serious candidate for the new Diet. Frodo thinks it is terribly unfair that someone should prey on the public without divulging that the 250 grams a day of Fat is actually a 50% reduction from the present intake by the typical Polish participant. It is sort of similar to George Bush telling Frodo to privatize his Social Security account.

Have you ever considered that every other nationality is an adjective, while Polish stands alone as a noun? We have CHINESE food, FRENCH kisses, and ITALIAN marble for example, but we have a jar of shoe POLISH. Or is it polish?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:24 PM EST

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Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Oh, What a Web We Weave
Mood:

on fire
Topic: "Pickled Cabbage?"
www.Petrovka38.ru
Now there is a Web site you don't see everyday! The City of Moscow has initiated an interactive Web site where concerned citizens can file complaints about cops, traffic, and the law. "The police should be thrown out with the morning trash," one motivated contributor wrote. "The forum is being monitored, and the suggestions are being taken into consideration," said Pavel Klimosky a Deputy Police Chief and Coordinator of the Web site.

On March 9th, "Yelena" posted that as she and her husband were leaving the Moscow subway they came across a police officer harassing a group of elderly women selling pickled cabbage (Note that in Atlanta the scene may be much the same except the street vendors would be teenagers marketing T-shirts). "Yelena" wrote that she was shocked to see a policeman yell at the old ladies, then kick their buckets, sending pickled cabbage flying. "The cabbage and pickles doused my husband's pants. . .I demanded to know the officer's name and badge number, but he just told me to (expletive deleted)!," said "Yelena."

Shocked as Frodo may be, he is also aware that a Cop in Houston would probably have emptied his Glock into one of the little old ladies after kicking her bucket.

There might just be something to this interactive crime fighting. The technology brings the whole world closer together, and Frodo can see the day when the local Johnny Cochranski would follow the first ambulance to the scene on behalf of an aggrieved class of individuals whose clothing had been soiled by pickled cabbage. Even worse, of course, would be Jerbaldo Reiverinschev on behalf of CCPTV News giving "fair and balanced" reporting from the scene.

And they said they were going to bury us.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:05 PM EST

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Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Playing Solitaire 'til Dawn With a Deck of 51
Mood:

rushed
Topic: "Many happy returns"
Frodo always does his own income tax return. It is a matter of pride. It is a rite of spring. It is a test of the self-assessment system. It is first-hand experience with bureaucracy. It is something else I do that George W. Bush is not bright enough to do (that brings the cumulative total to 1,329).

In Florida, it is not uncommon to walk into an IRS office, and find the waiting room packed with elderly people. Mind you, there are many questions to be asked, but there is something unique at work. Watching closely, note that once an individual's "number" is called, and they come to the counter with their question, they often return to the waiting area after taking another number. There they wait until called again. This may continue for several hours.

Frodo once asked a gentleman about this puzzle, and learned that when one doesn't have anything else to do, why not challenge your mind with the tax laws of our nation? Besides, you meet nice people, your own age, and if you play your cards right, you might get lucky.

Frodo admires "yankee ingenuity," and hopes that all efforts at tax reform fail miserably. By the way, the gentleman finally left, with a new friend, and she looked hot.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:34 PM EST

Updated: Tuesday, March 22, 2005 8:46 PM EST

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