Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

I'm About to Lose Control And I Think I Like It
Mood:

silly
George Santayana wrote "Those who cannot remember the past are, like, stupid." Frodo has selected the following seven vignettes from the year soon to be history to properly chronicle life on a small planet dumb enough to re-elect George W. Bush. Forgetting that one piece of tragedy for a moment, Frodo swears that each of the following actually took place in 2005.

1. NEW SCIENTIST magazine reported that the Pentagon has considered developing an aphrodisiac chemical weapon that could be sprayed on enemy troops. The chemical would provoke homosexual longing, and would provide a "distasteful, but completely nonlethal blow to morale." Frodo supposes the Department of Homeland Obscurity would declare a "pink" level of threat should the wind change.
2. After winning $1 Million on the TV show "Survivor," watched by millions of viewers, Mr. Richard Hatch neglected to include the income on his Federal Income Tax Return. "Judge Judy" is not likely to hear the indictment, but Harriet Miers may.
3. Two young British fans of "Star Wars" decided to create their own light sabres and suffered very serious burns. It seems they filled two fluorescent light tubes with gasoline and dishwashing liquid and lit them. After the explosion, police were able to re-create what happened because the Jedi wannabes videotaped it all. Now Frodo knows the derivation of the name "Luke Skywalker." Frodo bets they will long remember the power of the Force.
4. Frodo laments the passing of Mr. Thomas Rogers, age 87, of Virginia. Mr. Rogers is best remembered as the adman who created the character, "Charlie the Tuna." Mr. Rogers succumbed while swimming. Frodo will carefully examine the next several cans of Star-Kist packed in water.
5. The widow of Mr. Huey Newton, along with several surviving members of the Black Panther Party, have applied for a trademark on the phrase "Burn Baby, Burn." It seems they intend to market a newly-developed hot sauce. Frodo wonders how it goes with tuna?
6. Two Michigan parents have brought suit against a Christian Summer Camp that had advertised itself as "a Bible-centered program used to develop camper spirituality." The suit alleges that their 11-year-old son was kicked in the privates, dunked headfirst into a toilet, and tied to a tetherball pole. Frodo is sure that this was merely a rite of full-immersion baptism performed by graduates of "The" Ohio State University.
7. Memphis police have arrested an 18-year-old woman for attempting to hire a "hit man" to kill four men. It seems she had been visiting the men's residence and noticed a huge block of pure cocaine. She devised a plan to steal the cocaine once the rightful owners were eliminated. The undercover officer who posed as a "hit man" testified at her trial that the cocaine actually turned out to be a chunk of white cheese. Frodo has this vision of thousands of junkies pasting cheese on Ritz Crackers. You have to admit, it would be pretty tough to snort.

Frodo notes that some people actually did vote for George W. Bush, twice.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 7:35 PM EST

Updated: Wednesday, December 28, 2005 8:22 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

You May Say That I'm a Dreamer, But I'm Not The Only One
Mood:

bright
Topic: "A-Train"
In July of 1944, Lt. Col Charles W. Dryden was court martialed and dismissed from the United States Air Force. The dismissal of a trained and experienced pilot from active duty during wartime had to reflect some pretty serious offense, wouldn't you think? In truth, Frodo learned, Lt. Col. Dryden had led a flight of his fellow pilots on a low-level "buzz" of the military base at Walterboro, South Carolina, in May of that year.

"Say what?," Frodo asked, "You were court martialed for buzzing the base? Was somebody injured or was there property damage because of what you did?"
"No, none at all," said Lt. Col. Charles W. Dryden, Retired.

"Well I have to ask, were you drunk, or just stupid for doing something serious enough in somebody's mind to get yourself court martialed?," said Frodo. "No Mr. Frodo, I knew exactly what I was doing, and I deserved punishment, although the punishment was considerably more severe at that moment than I had anticipated," added Frodo's luncheon guest.

"Mr. Frodo, when I volunteered to serve my country and to fly against the enemy, I was told that people like me were not capable of such responsibility. Even today, Mr. Frodo," as tears welled in his eyes, "it hurts so very much," and he began to cry. Frodo put his hand on the gentleman's shoulder and told him what he already knew.

"Chuck" Dryden was one of those group of men now known as the "Tuskegee Airmen." Among his peers he was dubbed with the moniker "A Train," for his fondness for a certain song of the time. In later years Denzel Washington would play the part of "A Train" in the movie about the first Americans who happened to be black that were trained to fly in defense of the Shire.

He suffered a stroke some time ago and this 89 year-old doesn't get much use out of his right arm anymore. He laughed with Frodo when Frodo told him that his eldest son and Frodo shared the same birth date, and that it might be possible that they were switched in the delivery room.

"I owe you an answer to your question Mr. Frodo," he said. "I can tell you that I organized my squadron to buzz the field in protest of the fact that as black men we were required to sit in the balcony, separate from all those with white skin, at the camp movie theatre. Mr. Frodo, that included the German Prisoners."

Frodo was aghast, "You mean to tell me that the Nazi prisoners were given preferred seating over American officers, who happened to be black?"

Frodo has thought often of the man he met that day, and how he smiled when he heard Frodo say, "Sir, I don't even know where Walterboro South Carolina is, but I am sure that it isn't too far removed from the Shire. It is likely that some day Frodo will pass through that community. When that happens, I trust you will not be surprised to hear about a middle-aged Hobbit who stopped his motorcar alongside the roadsign welcoming travelers to that community, who unzipped his zipper and unceremoniously pissed all over that roadsign. It will be as close as I can come to buzzing that airfield with you."

Inside his copy of Lt. Col. Dryden's autobiography the following is handwritten, "To my friend Mr. Frodo, God Bless America, Always."

Lt. Col. Dryden was pardoned on appeal, and continued to fly in defense of his native land. Used mostly as escorts for bombers flying over European targets, the "Tuskegee Airmen" did not lose a single bomber to enemy fire.

Walterboro, South Carolina, is near Hilton Head, and there is a moistness to the welcome sign on the road just outside town.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:08 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Thursday, December 22, 2005

I'll Be So Blue Just Thinkin' About You
Mood:

blue
Topic: "Wall of Libertad"
In 1966 Frodo stood before the Berlin Wall. His eyes raced from the pieces of glass in cement atop the blocks of stone and the rolling barbed wire to the splattered letters "KZ" painted as graffiti at various points alongside the Wall. He was gazing at Mount Doom for the very first time. What he did that day is another story, for another time.

Frodo took a tour of the Eastern Sector on a bus with an official guide. Frodo's youthful rage built as he listened to the guide extol the virtues of life "behind the Wall." Frodo grew indignant when the guide responded to his question by saying that people risked their lives to cross the Wall for money. The guide told Frodo that people got the benefit of a superior education in the East, then crossed the Wall in order to get higher-paying jobs in the West. Frodo was unable to comprehend that anything other than a desire to "breathe free" would be the motivation for the risk of life in such an endeavour. Those on the "front" side of the Wall refused to accept any inference that the East offered anything other than tyranny.

Frodo has thought of those days and those feelings more often of late. Frodo has learned to accept the fact that people do cross borders, swim rivers, and crawl through barbed wire in order to get better jobs. Frodo sees it happening every day alongside the southern border of the Shire. The guide was not totally full of it, and Frodo apologizes for what he said in righteous indignation so many years ago.

Those who escaped from the East in 1966 did so in violation of the law of the land in which they lived. Those who enter the North in 2005 do so in violation of the law in the land into which they enter. In both cases the only solution that government, and mankind, could devise was to build a Wall.

This past week, a Congresswoman referred to the creation of a Wall between the United States and Mexico as the creation of the "world's largest gated community." Frodo smiled and nodded his head. At the same time he imagines himself looking at the great statue in the great harbor, for the first time, and imagines how he, too, might have seen Mount Doom from another angle. Instead of hope, Frodo may have been looking into the face of ignorance and fear. Money does funny things. Not unlike the ring itself, those who possess it want to keep it, and those who don't have it go to great lengths to acquire it. Lord Tolkien was a wise man, indeed.

Frodo has decided that he disagrees first and foremost with the location of the Wall that separates North and South. Frodo feels that the Wall should take a turn to the North near El Paso and proceed nearly to Kansas before veering South to Houston and the Gulf Coast. The entire land now known as Texas should stand "behind" the Wall. In fact, a National movement for this purpose could be dubbed as "Return the Alamo."

The benefit of the return of Texas to its' rightful ownership in the Republic of Mexico would be immense to the harmony of the Shire. No winner of a Nobel Peace Prize or any person of true significance has ever been produced by the ill-gotten territory. Perhaps the Mexicans will have better luck. Giving the South more land into which it can grow will lessen the need for their citizens to seek illegal entry into the Shire. The Wall, thusly drawn, could work on behalf of every Citizen in Middle Earth who exhibits an intelligence quotient greater than that of a bedbug. It would be an "intelligent design."

Frodo and Sam are leaving tomorrow in order to visit the gallant Howard. It is bittersweet to realize that this will likely be the last Season of Joy spent together. Frodo will not have anything further to say until Tuesday of next week. For you, dear reader, Frodo wishes life and love and laughter. For all of us may there be peace, soon.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:21 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Away in a Manger, No Crib For a Bed
Mood:

irritated
Topic: "Where's the Beef?"
"When the federal government fails to meet such an obligation, I, as President, am responsible for the problem, and for the solution."--George W. Bush, September 15, 2005, from Jackson Square, New Orleans, Louisiana.

Frodo believes in follow-up. Without follow-up, words fail to achieve the status of action.

200,000 housing units that existed before Hurricane Katrina struck the Gulf Coast are no more, with 400,000 people displaced as a result. 150,000 evacuees remain in hotel rooms, makeshift trailers, and private residences on this date. George W. Bush said, in the same speech, "Our first commitment is to meet the immediate needs of those who had to flee their homes and leave all their possessions behind."

More than 90 days after the disaster, only 63.6% of those displaced are no longer in emergency shelter. Our "first commitment" seems to be a bit behind schedule, doesn't it?

President Bush also said "All of us saw on television, there's also some deep, persistent poverty in this region, as well. That poverty has roots in a history of racial discrimination, which cut off generations from the opportunity of America. We have a duty to confront this poverty with bold action." Today, $40 Billion in spending cuts were enacted which impacted greatly on both Medicare and Medicaid benefits for the less affluent members of our society. The President, of course, continues to support the continuance of tax cuts including the revision of the Alternative Minimum Tax and lower rates for Capital Gains. The action with which he confronts poverty, if not bold, is certainly presumptuous.

A House Republican Panel is investigating lapses by FEMA and other agencies. The Chair of the Committee has subpoenaed Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and other officials in order to obtain documents which track the decision-making process. The Pentagon has been reluctant to release any such document. President Bush, again from the same speech said "I also want to know about the government response to Hurricane Katrina. . .It is now clear that a challenge on this scale requires greater federal authority and a broader role for the armed forces. . ." Frodo, patiently, is trying to understand why a President, a Defense Secretary, and a Committee Chairman all from the same political party, have to issue subpoenas to each other in order to obtain basic information? Politics aside, all of the parties involved, including the victims, all happen to be Citizens of Middle Earth.

Frodo could go on with this treatise, but the point, hopefully, is clear. Words, without adequate action, are just hot air. Frodo wonders if the President will fly over the Gulf Coast and look out the window on his holiday vacation trip to the ranch in Crawford?

Somehow, the words of Marie Antoinette keep coming to mind.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:10 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Hark ,The Herald Angels Sing
Mood:

chatty
Topic: "Play It Again, Sam"
Hidden amongst all the diatribe about the treatment of prisoners is a true indication of just how bad things have gotten. Frodo took note of a single entry in a long article describing the interrogation methods used by representatives of "the coalition." Did you, dear reader, know that incessantly repeated music is played for the captives? Frodo would like to discuss the methodology before he discloses who the artists happen to be that are so utilized.

Imagine if music were used by everyone in order to influence the behavior of individuals held against their will. The late "Tookie" Williams, terminated by the State of California, would probably have been forced to listen all the way up to the end to The Captain & Tenille, or at least to Donny & Marie Osmond. "Scooter" Libby would deservedly sit through the countless musings of Rod McKuen ("Listen to the Warm"). Ken Lay would sit through hours of Joel Grey & Liza Minnelli singing "Money Makes The World Go 'Round." Certainly former California Congressman "Duke" Cunningham would become cooperative after memorizing all the words to Elvis' classic "Jailhouse Rock."

Ah, but the larger question does beg. What music has been used to drum information from the minds of these former soldiers of the Taliban; these former Baathist supporters of Saddam; these al Qaeda mutants; these unidentified combatants?

"Eminem" and "Dr. Dre" are the exclusive artists for this less than appreciative audience. Something like the following might emanate from either of this dynamic duo:

"Oh his name is Osama,
He play a funky game.
He bopped on da Bushman,
His hut went up in flame."

The International Red Cross is investigating, and well they should. Frodo can't help but wonder if the Department of Defense is paying royalties?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:24 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Monday, December 19, 2005

On That Tragic And Fateful Day
Mood:

accident prone
Topic: "We Sank a Truck"
Frodo was reminded of one hilarious scene in the old movie "Operation Petticoat," (starring Cary Grant) where a buxom nurse bumped into the torpedo firing mechanism on a submarine, causing it to discharge a torpedo prematurely. The torpedo missed the Japanese freighter for which it had been intended, ran up onto a nearby beach, and struck a parked truck. Frodo was so reminded by the untimely death of a sparrow in Amsterdam.

Last month the employees of television company Endemol NV were attempting to enter the Guinness Book of World Records by setting up more than 4 million dominoes in order to break the record for falling dominoes during a live on-air broadcast. Unfortunately, a sparrow flew through an open window and knocked over 23,000 of the dominoes by accident. The event was saved only by a series of built-in gaps which prevented the bird from knocking over all of the dominoes.

In a fit of rage, the hapless sparrow was shot by an exterminator with an air rifle.

The story does not end here. It seems there is a Dutch animal protection agency, somewhat akin to PETA, and they have demanded that the enraged exterminator be prosecuted. In an attempt to mollify their audience the company has proposed an on-air memorial for the sparrow during the telecast.

Frodo has been asked to say a few words.

"Friends, we are gathered here today, not in sorrow but in celebration of the all too short life of our avian companion. Struck down amidst the confusion of a bustling alien world this simple creature made an almost indelible mark on the lives of the people with whom he came into contact. He fell to the technology which allows us to master the creatures over whom we hold dominion."

Frodo raised his hands from the podium as he completed his remarks. "Let us pledge ourselves to not forget this simple life and to remember the power that is ours. All of life in this Shire is in our hands, and when we strike, whether from fear or ignorance, we act in the name of our Creator. It is an awesome responsibility, and its' results should never be used to justify its' use. The end of life, no matter how small, is something each of us must consider when we act to hasten the moment for any of the others who inhabit Middle Earth."

Whether or not all of the dominoes fell at one time seemed a little less important as Frodo walked from the stage.

"Speak, Ubu, speak."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:52 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Sunday, December 18, 2005

He's Gonna Get Caught, Just You Wait And See
Mood:

incredulous
Topic: "Was Miers His Attorney?"
Frodo truly doesn't know what to believe. Is Bush really that stupid, or does he see himself as above the law? Maybe this was the same question wrestled with by Sheriff Pat Garrett when he pursued William Bonney (aka "Billy the Kid"). Perhaps it was what Elliot Ness asked himself as he built his case against Alfonse Capone. Assuredly, it must have been in the mind of Judge Sirica as he examined the evidence implicating the White House in the Watergate break-in. No matter what, George W. Bush probably needs to find himself a whole new group of legal advisors.

Perhaps the spectre of 9/11 is something that Bush must really feel defines his calling. Maybe he really feels that he has had "carte blanche" to interrogate, to eavesdrop, to imprison, with total impunity. If so, it certainly gives credence to the adage that power corrupts, absolutely. To his loyal remnant he wears a crown of thorns and carries a heavy burden.

Setting aside the specifics of the legal authority to conduct domestic surveillance, Frodo recognizes, and has no problem with, emergency action to ensure public safety on a short-term basis. Certainly within 60-90 days of 9/11 such a situation existed. But two years later? What could possibly prevent timely dialogue with the appropriate courts to seek warrants?

Bush says he had legal advice. Bush says that the Congressional leadership was apprised as required. Frodo says "So What?"

Mr. President, the law said you were to do something else, and you did not do it.

You may argue that you were exercising your authority under the Constitution. Frodo says "So What?"

Mr. President the law said you were to petition the Courts for warrants.

Frodo's question is not answered. The President was either stupid or arrogant. Frodo has no option but to inform the President of his rights.

"George W. Bush, you are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be made available to you without cost. . ."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:27 PM EST

Updated: Tuesday, December 20, 2005 9:27 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Blue on Blue, Now That We Are Through
Mood:

flirty
Topic: "You Snake in the Grass"
One of the inhabitants of the Atlanta Zoo is having a problem which, Frodo must admit, is not exactly something he ever imagined to be a problem outside the world of Hobbithood. According to Brad Lock, the assistant curator of herpetology at Zoo Atlanta, Blu, an Eastern Indigo Snake, which is a threatened species, has a low sperm count.

"Dr. Lock, are you telling me that Blu can't get it up?," queried Frodo.
"Well Frodo, Blu was born here in Zoo Atlanta in 1988, and we have learned that he has about 650,000 sperm per milliliter with a motility of about 60 percent. A healthy count for both Hobbits and snakes is for a reading of about 1 and 3 million sperm per milliliter with 90 percent motility," replied Dr. Lock.
"Does that mean that not only is Blu a little short on ammunition, but that it doesn't do much even if it lands in the right place?," asked our inquisitve amateur herpetologist.
"Well, that's pretty much the case," said Dr. Lock. "So once we understood the problem, Dr. Mark Mitchell an LSU assistant professor of zoological medicine joined Zoo Atlanta veterinarian Mark Rivera and I in performing artificial insemination on a female Eastern Indigo currently on loan to Zoo Atlanta, using Blu's sperm."
"Is this a common procedure?," asked Frodo.
"No Frodo," said Dr. Lock, "as far as we know, it has never been tried before, that is using an endoscope."
"An endoscope?"
"Yes, we inserted a lubricated lighted tubelike device into her cloacal opening, which contains her reproductive tract after sedating her, of course." answered Dr. Lock.
"Oh, of course, but isn't there a more banal term for 'cloacal opening' in reptiles?," mused Frodo.
Without acknowledging, Dr. Lock went on to explain that he was able to check the progress of the endoscope on a television monitor and confirm the arrival of sperm in the snake's ovaducts.
"So is that it, we just witnessed an Eastern Indigo getting 'knocked up'?, said Frodo.
"Well Frodo, we won't really know for about two months, and then it will be even longer before she lays about a half dozen eggs or so," smiled Dr. Lock.
"Hmm," mouthed Frodo, "was any of this pleasurable to the participants?"
Dr. Lock stared at Frodo, and with a total dead-pan replied, "I'm not sure, but she wanted a cigarette when it was all over."

Frodo has missed his calling. He should've been a wise ass vet.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:12 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Friday, December 16, 2005

Come Along And Be My Party Doll
Mood:

mischievious
Topic: "One For the Good Guys"
Today Frodo received a tiny fishing rod and a ticket to the new Georgia Aquarium as a gift. The presentation of the gift was ensconced with the implication that Frodo's piscine achievements would be limited to quarry who are thusly confined. "Ha, Ha," said Frodo. Frodo also noted that the free pass to the Aquarium had expired. "Ha, Ha," said Frodo's nemesis, Joe the Vagabond and funny gift-giver.

The occasion of the gift-giving was the annual soiree of the group known as the Gazebo. Discussed earlier, the Gazebo are the aging males who gather together to do "guy things." Most recently the guys had rung bells for the Salvation Army. Today they ate and exchanged gag gifts.

It should be noted that about half of the group happen to be politically conservative, and that the luncheon was held in an area that cast over 80% of its' votes to George W. Bush. Frodo will pass through the area in his motorcar from time-to-time, but is generally wise enough not to stop.

One of the attractions of the Gazebo is that the members are so different. There is no "preaching to the choir," and in these times it means that the conservatives actually receive input not programmed by Karl Rove and disseminated by Faux News.

Frodo was prepared for his special gift this day, and he had something appropriate prepared for Joe the Vagabond. Frodo offered up a gasoline can which he had dutifully covered in masking tape and properly labeled for public consumption. The front side read "Bush-O-Line, Four Times Better than Gasoline ever Cost." The rear side read "Bush-O-Line Prevents Global Cooling." On one side it read, "And It Tastes Even Better Than JIM BEAM, I Know--G.W.Bush." On the other side it read "50% of the Cost Goes to Oil Company Executive Retirement Plans." On the bottom Frodo inscribed "A Product of Ahmed Chalabi Enterprises, LLC."

"Garumph" stated Joe the Vagabond. "Titter, titter" snickered the other conservatives. "That was great Frodo," and out loud "Ha,Ha" emanated from the enlightened members of the Gazebo.

On the way home Frodo heard that George W. Bush had authorized the National Security Agency to spy on American citizens, and had not sought court orders in order to do so. Next year Frodo will give Joe the Vagabond an old tape recorder, a pair of binoculars, and a copy of the Constitution. It's just a shame that he can't give George W. Bush the boot.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:16 PM EST

Updated: Friday, December 16, 2005 9:20 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

These Things I Do 'Cause I'm So In Love With You
Mood:

special
Topic: "The Important Stuff"
Sam is very worried about the gallant Howard. Sam knows the signs that things are breaking down, because Sam has seen it happen many times before. Sam bodes dread whenever the telephone rings with news from afar. Sam has been a hospice volunteer for many years.

Frodo may take on great burdens in his efforts to destroy the ring, but in Sam's presence he is merely a high private.

Frodo recognizes that there are times when Sam wants to talk and there are times when Sam wishes to sit in silence. Frodo does his best to recognize each. What amazes Frodo are the roles played by Mick, the Wonder Dog, and Princess Fiona ("the most beautiful girl in the whole world", from "Shrek," in case you hadn't noticed). They recognize the difference immediately, and they react accordingly. When Sam pulls a blanket up on the couch and reads while the TV, in silence, flashes sale items from Home Shopping Network and the tea cup sits on the cluttered table, that must be their sign to cuddle with Sam. They are loving, affectionate, and their eyes seem to mirror the concerns in the soul of Sam.

When Sam stirs and starts to think of other things Mick and Fiona immediately swing into action. They debate the ownership of a stuffed animal, or they imitate the political howlings of Bill Frist and Dennis Hastert. Sam is guaranteed to laugh at the outrageousness of the play, and tails wag in delighted unison.

Frodo is usually the center of attention because he drops crumbs, or he is more likely to step outside to seek adventure. At these times however, Mick and Fiona have a greater calling, and they do not stray too far from Sam's presence. Should Frodo mindlessly turn on a news program and begin to rail at the folly of the "clown of the day," he is the victim of silent stares in the doorway. It is as if he is being asked to explain what exactly he has on his mind for such thoughtless behavior. Being silently chastized by dogs is a lesson that Frodo takes to heart.

Everybody in the Shire has a job. Some do theirs very, very well.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:50 PM EST

Updated: Monday, December 19, 2005 8:53 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Newer | Latest | Older

«	December 2005					»

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
				1	2	3
4	5	6	7	8	9	10
11	12	13	14	15	16	17
18	19	20	21	22	23	24
25	26	27	28	29	30	31