George Santayana wrote "Those who cannot remember the past are, like, stupid." Frodo has selected the following seven vignettes from the year soon to be history to properly chronicle life on a small planet dumb enough to re-elect George W. Bush. Forgetting that one piece of tragedy for a moment, Frodo swears that each of the following actually took place in 2005.
1. NEW SCIENTIST magazine reported that the Pentagon has considered developing an aphrodisiac chemical weapon that could be sprayed on enemy troops. The chemical would provoke homosexual longing, and would provide a "distasteful, but completely nonlethal blow to morale." Frodo supposes the Department of Homeland Obscurity would declare a "pink" level of threat should the wind change.
2. After winning $1 Million on the TV show "Survivor," watched by millions of viewers, Mr. Richard Hatch neglected to include the income on his Federal Income Tax Return. "Judge Judy" is not likely to hear the indictment, but Harriet Miers may.
3. Two young British fans of "Star Wars" decided to create their own light sabres and suffered very serious burns. It seems they filled two fluorescent light tubes with gasoline and dishwashing liquid and lit them. After the explosion, police were able to re-create what happened because the Jedi wannabes videotaped it all. Now Frodo knows the derivation of the name "Luke Skywalker." Frodo bets they will long remember the power of the Force.
4. Frodo laments the passing of Mr. Thomas Rogers, age 87, of Virginia. Mr. Rogers is best remembered as the adman who created the character, "Charlie the Tuna." Mr. Rogers succumbed while swimming. Frodo will carefully examine the next several cans of Star-Kist packed in water.
5. The widow of Mr. Huey Newton, along with several surviving members of the Black Panther Party, have applied for a trademark on the phrase "Burn Baby, Burn." It seems they intend to market a newly-developed hot sauce. Frodo wonders how it goes with tuna?
6. Two Michigan parents have brought suit against a Christian Summer Camp that had advertised itself as "a Bible-centered program used to develop camper spirituality." The suit alleges that their 11-year-old son was kicked in the privates, dunked headfirst into a toilet, and tied to a tetherball pole. Frodo is sure that this was merely a rite of full-immersion baptism performed by graduates of "The" Ohio State University.
7. Memphis police have arrested an 18-year-old woman for attempting to hire a "hit man" to kill four men. It seems she had been visiting the men's residence and noticed a huge block of pure cocaine. She devised a plan to steal the cocaine once the rightful owners were eliminated. The undercover officer who posed as a "hit man" testified at her trial that the cocaine actually turned out to be a chunk of white cheese. Frodo has this vision of thousands of junkies pasting cheese on Ritz Crackers. You have to admit, it would be pretty tough to snort.
Frodo notes that some people actually did vote for George W. Bush, twice.