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" Citizen Soldiers" (5)
" Putin' Out" (5)
" Thin Ice"(9)
""I Ain't Got Much" (5)
""Soft Memories" (7)
"$100, Are You Sure?" (5)
"0 Preservative Added"(2)
"105 Minute Workday"(9)
"16 Percent Factor"(3)
"176,000,000 to 1"(8)
"26 Damn Dollars"(6)
"3 Percent Turnout" (2)
"37 Come 11" (5)
"3:10 to Yuma" (7)
"50 Weeks of Reality TV"
"501 (c)(4)"
"54 Pounds" (8)
"8.8 Pounds"(6)
"A Capitol Idea" (6)
"A Code in My Node"
"A Course is a Course"(2)
"A Day At The Beach" (3)
"A Dog Named Bo" (5)
"A Hobbit of an Idea"
"A Man's Army"
"A Patriot Act" (7)
"A Patriotic Act"
"A Perfect World"
"A soldier booed?'(7)
"A Space Odyssey" (4)
"A Taxing Story" (5)
"A Thousand Campfires"(4)
"A Three Hour Tour"(8)
"A Touch of Class"(5)
"A Waisted Day" (5)
"A Woman Scorned"
"A-Train"
"AAARRRGGGHH" (6)
"Aagh,I'll Pay,I'll Pay"
"Abe Wong, of Gondor"(5)
"Act I, Scene I" (8)
"Act I, Scene II" (8)
"Act I, Scene III" (8)
"Adjustable 2nd Card"(3)
"Adjusting Policies"
"Adjusting the Clock"(8)
"Aegean Adventure" (2)
"Ah ah ah Stayin' Alive"
"Airline Highway" (5)
"Alan Scott" (7)
"All Aboard"
"All Bets Are In" (2)
"All Charged Up"
"All Good Things" (4)
"Allah Be Praised" (5)
"Almost Heaven" (2)
"Alpha Dog"(7)
"Alright, Who Did It?"(7)
"Also Sprach Frodo" (4)
"Always Wear Gloves" (3)
"AM Radio Next?"
"America's Toilet" (6)
"American Cemetery"(8)
"An Admission"
"An Apple A Day" (7)
"An Hour A Day" (6)
"An Ugly American"(4)
"Anchorman" (6)
"And the Winner Is" (2)
"Andy Griffith Redux"
"Another Single Woman?"
"Another Three-namer"(5)
"Another Time/Place"(4)
"Anvil Throwin' Time"(8)
"Apocalypse Now?" (3)
"Aragorn" (4)
"Armored Dildos" (3)
"As Far As We Know" (2)
"Ask Ann Landers" (3)
"Assembly LineDancing"(4)
"Astronaughty" (2)
"Atlanta Times Three"
"Augmentation" (2)
"Augustus Agonistes" (5)
"Aurora Borealis" (8)
"Autumnal Observances"(2)
"Avast You Lubbers"(6)
"Baby Doctors (2)"
"Baby Fiona"(7)
"Baby Nathan Yahoo"(10)
"Back Door Basra (2)"
"Back inthe Saddle Again"
"Bad Boys, Bad Boys"
"Bad Time for Bonzo" (3)
"Balance of Nature" (3)
"Balance of Payments"(5)
"Balancing the Budget"
"Ballamer" (4)
"Balls"(10)
"Bang the Drum Slowly"
"Bank Prank" (5)
"Baptists are Pussies"(7)
"Barbed Wire Escape (2)"
"Barbie Banditos" (3)
"Barely Bearble"(7)
"Barely Defensible" (2)
"Barry Me Not (2)"
"Bathroom onna Right"(3)
"Beach Music" (7)
"Because It Is Hard" (4)
"Beechwood 4-5789"(6)
"Belling the Cat" (2)
"Ben McGee" (3)
"Benny and the Jets"(5)
"Berlusconi in Love"(6)
"Best be straight Boy"(5)
"Best Day/Worst Day"(6)
"Best in the South" (5)
"Best in the World?"(5)
"Betray Us" (3)
"Bettah than Etta"(4)
"Better Man" (3)
"Better Than Pong"
"Big Time Sports" (3)
"Big Words,LittleMind"(6)
"Bilbo's Birthday (2)"
"Bilbo's Little Boy"(5)
"Bilbo's Revenge" (5)
"Bill and Hillary (2)"
"Billy World" (2)
"Bimini Babes" (3)
"Bird is the Word" (3)
"Birmingham Jail" (5)
"Birthday Baggins"
"Birthday Buddies" (7)
"Birthday Memory" (4)
"Birthin' No Babies" (3)
"Bishop to King's Castle"
"bitch,bitch,bitch"(6)
"Black Friday" (2)
"Black Gold, Texas Tea"
"Black Hole Blues" (4)
"Black Jack"
"Black Russians" (6)
"Black Widow" (3)
"Blackboard Jungle"
"Blame Game" (3)
"Bleached Bones" (5)
"Blitzkrieg Bellini" (2)
"Blood and Swash" (3)
"Bloopers" (5)
"Blue Christmas" (2)
"Bo's Birthday"(5)
"Bob Sikes' Cut"(9)
"Bob, Bob, Bobbit" (3)
"Bobby, not Ben"(6)
"Bon Air Bellicose" (4)
"Bon Giorno" (6)
"Bona Lisa" (5)
"Bonds-v-Skvara" (3)
"Boo Boo Poo Poo"(9)
"Boromir & Galadriel"(5)
"Bottled in Thyme"(7)
"Bottom Ten"(9)
"Bovine Stem Cells?"
"Boy, I Say Boy"
"Boycott BP"
"Breaker, Breaker" (4)
"Breakin' rules" (7)
"Breaking News" (7)
"Brer Fox (2)"
"Bridge at Andau"(11)
"Bring Back Ross" (2)
"Bring the Bowl"
"Broken News"(10)
"Brother of the Ring"
"Brownback Mountain"
"Brownie Hawkeye"
"Buckwheat Breathes" (2)
"Bumper Sticker"
"Burn Baby, Burn" (3)
"Bush in the Bullrushes"
"Bush Baby, Bush (2)"
"Bush is Chinese?" (2)
"Bush Press Conference"
"Bush-Bashers Be We (2)"
"Bushenomics"
"Busman's Holiday(2)"
"Butt...Butt...Butt" (3)
"Butterflies? Sheesh!"
"Buttermilk Drops" (3)
"Buy a Subaru" (11)
"Buy Stock in America"(6)
"Cabin Fever" (5)
"Cain Not Able" (7)
"Cake in the Rain"
"Cake in the Rain"(3)
"Call Me Ishmael" (3)
"Callista, an Albino?"(7)
"Camp Pleasant" (2)
"Can She Name Them?(2)"
"Can You Hear Me Now?"
"Canaan Conspiracy"(6)
"Candygram" (4)
"Captive Audience"(6)
"Caramel or Carmel?"(3)
"Carolina Cougar(2)"
"Carolina Curmudgeon" (5)
"Cartoon Characters" (3)
"Case of Packy Stann"(3)
"Cash crash crashed?"(5)
"Cat Fight" (5)
"Caterpillar Quandry" (3)
"Causal Relationships"(9)
"Cause It's One, (2)"
"Ceramic s"
"Ch-ch-changin'" (4)
"Change a'comin" (5)
"Change is Good" (5)
"Change?" (3)
"Changin' Channels" (2)
"Chapter 13"
"Chariots of Fire"
"Chariots' a' Comin'"(4)
"Chassahowitzka" (2)
"Chauncey Gardner"(7)
"Checkmate"(5)
"Chemical Alley" (6)
"Cheney of Fools" (2)
"Cherem" (3)
"Chew my Gazebo, Willya?"
"Chief Noc-a-Homa" (3)
"Chingachgook Lives"
"Chipmonkeys Alert (2)"
"Chipper" (6)
"Christian Balls"(10)
"Christian the Lion"(4)
"Christian Valuelessness"
"Christmas Communique"(3)
"Christmas, 1936" (2)
"Chutzpah Hooters" (4)
"Cilled a Bar?" (3)
"Cindy, oh Cindy"(4)
"Citizen Soldiers" (2)
"Clark and Lois (2)"
"Classified Ads are Cool"
"Claymore Gregg" (3)
"Clean Machine" (2)
"Clean up in Aisle 4!"(4)
"Climb It Chains" (8)
"Clinton Cuts" (7)
"Clone Chipper,Please"(4)
"Cockatiel Lounge" (2)
"College of the Shire"(6)
"Colosseum"
"Combat Kelly (2)"
"Come On Baby"(8)
"Come on Down" (3)
"Comin' Clean" (5)
"Comin' Home" (3)
"Commencement (2)"
"Comparables" (6)
"Condi for President" (3)
"Cone of Silence" (4)
"Conflagration" (3)
"Confusion Reigns"(10)
"Congress Goes to War (2)
"Congress' Schmidthead"
"Conspiracy Theory" (4)
"Copy Cat Chinese" (5)
"Country Roads" (7)
"Crawford Convention" (2)
"Crikey" (2)
"Crime and Punishment(2)"
"Crotch Rocket Delite"(4)
"Cult of the Wild"(7)
"Curious, George?"
"Currahee" (5)
"Da Juice Is Back" (3)
"Dad" (5)
"Damages Done (2)"
"Damn Close" (4)
"Damn It To Hell" (5)
"Damn Lies" (7)
"Dandy Dale" (7)
"Danger Will Robinson"(5)
"Danger,Will Robinson"(8)
"Darth Dick" (5)
"Darwin's Company" (4)
"Das Boot"
"Das Ende" (6)
"Date With David" (2)
"Day of Infamy" (4)
"Day-O, Me Wan Go"(7)
"De Tar-Ball Baby" (6)
"Dead Honkey"
"Dearest Bilbo"
"Debits on the Left?" (2)
"Decisions, Decisions"(6)
"Deep and Dark" (5)
"Deep Shiite" (3)
"Degree of Separation"(6)
"Deja 1958 Over Again"
"Deja Who?"(7)
"Delano" (4)
"DevelopmentalStudies"(4)
"Diazinon Ditties (2)"
"Dick Clark Top 10(2)"
"Dimmer Switch" (6)
"Dirty Copter" (4)
"Do They Like Kool Aid?"
"Doctor, Mr. MD"(9)
"Dodged a Bullet"(7)
"Dogmobile" (3)
"Dogs Rule"
"Doing the Right Thing"
"Don't Cut My DSL" (5)
"Don't Feed the Animals"
"Dont Touch That Dial"(6)
"Doofus" (9)
"Doohan's Delight" (3)
"Doris Miller" (6)
"Dorothy Rose" (4)
"Double Deal" (6)
"Doubting Thomases" (3)
"Doug Williams"(4)
"Dover" (4)
"Down Below Back Home"(4)
"Downtown Cardinals"(9)
"Dr. Phil" (5)
"DroughtExitStragedy"(3)
"Dubai-Bye" (3)
"Dueling Banjos" (3)
"Dumb and Dumber" (3)
"Dumb As We Wanna Be"(3)
"Dumber Than Dirt" (3)
"Dumbest Politico (2)"
"Eager Uighurs" (4)
"Early Admission" (8)
"Eight Nine Four" (4)
"Elect Jeff Jackson"(10)
"Elizabeth I" (5)
"Emily Latella Lives"
"Emperor's Clothes" (2)
"End of the Line"
"Ending Sams Patience"(7)
"Engine Uprisin'" (4)
"Ensign Pulver"(5)
"EOTUS" (5)
"Equinox Approaching"(10)
"Equinoxious" (4)
"ERA"
"Escalator Escalatin'"(5)
"ESP" (6)
"Etchings, Anyone?"(5)
"Ethel Merman Lives"
"Eve, It's Oil!"
"Evenin' Govnah" (6)
"Everyday Miracles"
"Evil Thoughts" (3)
"Eye Opener" (3)
"Eyes of a Gorilla"
"Fair is Fare"(7)
"Falcon" (8)
"Fall Ball" (3)
"Fallin' Behind"(11)
"Falling Apart" (9)
"Fargo Felines" (5)
"Fashionable Frodo" (5)
"Father Ed" (3)
"Faux les Bas" (2)
"Female Insurgency (2)"
"Ferengi or Ferangi?" (3)
"Fergit? Hell No!"
"Film at 11"
"Findin' William"(11)"
"Firing US Attorneys" (3)
"First Freeze" (6)
"First Learn to Lose"
"First National Bank" (5)
"First Sentence" (8)
"Five Easy Pieces" (4)
"Float Yer Boat" (4)
"Flower Power (2)"
"Foe Years Old" (4)
"Follow the Money"
"Followin' Ava" (4)
"For More Years" (3)
"Forbidden Fruit"
"Fords and Dads" (2)
"Foreclosure Follies" (7)
"Foreclosure Notice" (6)
"Forest Primeval"(8)
"Form 666" (3)
"Forms For Everything"(6)
"Foundling Fathers"(7)
"Fourteen Years Ago?"(5)
"Fox Views" (3)
"Frack You" (7)
"Frances Died Today"(7)
"Fred's Dead Head" (3)
"Free at Last"
"Free Hidden Telecast"(4)
"Freedom? Hell No" (3)
"Friend by Your Side" (3)
"Friend by your Side" (4)
"Friendly Persuasion" (5)
"Friends of Bill" (7)
"Frist Friends"
"Frodo and Housman" (2)
"Frodo and Jesus"
"Frodo and Revere?"(7)
"Frodo And Truckers (2)"
"Frodo Dissents" (6)
"Frodo Not Foggo (2)"
"Frodo of Arabia(2)"
"Frodo Op" (5)
"Frodo Regrets"
"Frodo Study Group" (2)
"Frodo visits Bilbo"
"Frodo's Almanac"(9)
"Frodo's Bad Day"
"Frodo's Book Club"(5)
"Frodo's Dilemma" (3)
"Frodo's Faux Pas" (3)
"Frodo's Final Four" (3)
"Frodo's Foreign Policy"
"Frodo's Hall of Fame"(4)
"Frodo's Newer Friend"(6)
"Frodo's Retirement"(8)
"Frodo's Revenge"
"Frodo's Revenge"(7)
"Frodo's Solutions" (6)
"Frodo's Xmas Story"(6)
"Frodo, James Frodo" (3)
"Furriners" (4)
"Gainful Employment" (3)
"Galadriel Is No More"(3)
"Gandalf's Challenge (2)"
"Garland Duesenberry" (2)
"Gas Guzzler A-Go-Go"
"Gasp, Wheeze (2)"
"Gay Faux Holes" (5)
"Genarlow de Chariot" (3)
"Genesis Ignored" (3)
"Geneva Accords Redux"
"Geography Lesson" (3)
"George to the Rescue"(3)
"Georgia on my Mind"(3)
"Getting Your Wish" (3)
"Gidget Goes Gondor"(7)
"Gimme Head With Hair"(3)
"Girls Night Out" (6)
"Give 'em Hell, Tom" (5)
"Give Heath a Chance (2)"
"Give Us Your Tired. . ."
"Giving Way to Anger" (2)
"Glenn Frey"(11)
"Glory Days"
"Goin' Home" (3)
"Gondor Goodfellas"(9)
"Gondor Gravitas" (3)
"Good Cop" (7)
"Good Day America" (6)
"Good Friday It Was"(9)
"Good Friday, Maybe"(11)
"Good Ol Mountain Dew"(5)
"Good Son"
"Goodbye Kids (2)"
"Goodbye, Ethan" (2)
"Goodman is Hard to Find"
"Goose Again"
"GOP Convention" (3)
"Gotta Have a Home (2)"
"Grading on a Curve"
"Graffiti Government" (2)
"Great American Hero"
"Great American Hero" (2)
"Greatest Duet Ever"(6)
"Greed is Good"(5)
"Greetings" (8)
"Grissom not Gruesome"(4)
"Groupies for Edwards"(4)
"Guess We Forgot?"(8)
"Guest Workers (2)"
"Guns of August" (7)
"Guts of August" (3)
"Gwinnett Again?" (3)
"Halo, 1,2,3?" (3)
"Ham I Am" (3)
"Handi-Wipes" (3)
"Hang 'em High" (2)
"Hanky Time, Ladies"
"Happens in Threes"(5)
"Happy Anniversary"(9)
"Happy Mardi Gras"(2)
"Harpo Speaks"
"Harry" (2)
"Harry's Bar-Venice" (2)
"Hatfield-vs-McCoy"
"Hawkeye, Redux"(7)
"Haz Mat" (3)
"He Ate the Olive!"(7)
"He is deeply missed (2)"
"He Picks Up Poop?" (5)
"He Took De Bait" (8)
"He's 'Little Ricky'?"(7)
"Healthcare for Frodo"(5)
"Heart Soar Like Hawk"(5)
"Heck of an Engineer"(7)
"Hedge Fund Hippies" (3)
"Heeeerrre's Frodo" (3)
"Heeere's Johnny" (6)
"Heeerrrre's Frodo" (3)
"Hello, Mr. Wilson" (5)
"Hello? Central?" (3)
"Help Wanted"
"Helping Frodo" (4)
"Here Come da Judge" (2)
"Here Come da Judge" (6)
"Here Kitty-Kitty" (4)
"Here Kitty-kitty"(5)
"Here's Help, Now Leave"
"Here's Your Watch" (3)
"Hi Jinx" (5)
"Hide Anythin' Edible"(5)
"High Chair" (2)
"Hobbits And a Truck"(4)
"Hold On Romo" (2)
"Hold the Malaise" (4)
"Homeless"
"Honey Dew List"(9)
"Hopalong Frodo"(9)
"Horn of Africa (2)"
"Horse Latitudes" (6)
"Horsehockey" (3)
"Hosea Can You See" (3)
"Hosea Can You See?" (3)
"Hot Tamale" (3)
"Hotel Plimhimmon"(9)
"HOV or DOA?" (3)
"How Dogs Love Us" (10)
"How Many Delegates?"
"How Many Delegates?" (3)
"How Now Broun Cow"(8)
"Hraka" (4)
"Huckleberry Hound" (3)
"Hund Scheisse CSI" (5)
"Hungarian Answer" (4)
"I Believe in Music (2)"
"I can hope, can't I?"(9)
"I Could Cry" (2)
"I Inspired You?"
"I say it's Spinach. . ."
"I'll Get Back to You"(3)
"I'll Huff and Puff" (4)
"I'll Take a Vowel"
"I'm Baaack" (2)
"I'mSo In LoveWithYou"(7)
"Ides of March Again" (4)
"Ides of Texas" (6)
"IED's in Congress" (2)
"If Frodo Ran The DHS"(5)
"If It Ain't OneThing"(5)
"If the truth be told"(6)
"If You Remember,Then"(6)
"If" (6)
"Imagine,General Newt"(6)
"Imitation of Life" (5)
"Immigration Reform (2)"
"Impregnated"(10)
"In a Galaxy Far Away(2)"
"In a Pig's Eye" (4)
"In Dog We Trust" (10)
"In the Beginning"
"In the Beginning" (3)
"Incomparable Moron" (4)
"Indoor Toilets Rule" (4)
"Intersex Village" (2)
"Interstate Parking (2)"
"Ion Propulsion"(7)
"Iran's Tom Hayden"
"Irish Spring"(3)
"Is it in the Water?"
"Is That in America?" (2)
"Is You da One,Jimmy?"(3)
"Islamic Fundamentals"(8)
"Isn't Amnesty Good?"(3)
"Isn't Change Good?"(6)
"It's A Trap" (6)
"It's Just a Movie"
"It's Just Business"
"Ja, Wir Konnen."
"Jack Crabb" (10)
"Jambo Jumbo" (3)
"Japanese Movie?" (3)
"Je suis Frodo"(10)
"Jefferson Rock" (3)
"Jes' the facts Ma'am"(4)
"Jim Crow" (5)
"Joad Family Reunion?"(6)
"Joad Jobs" (4)
"Joe Soptic" (8)
"Jonestown Redux" (3)
"Jose and Claudia" (4)
"Joshua Generation" (3)
"Just Another Day" (3)
"Just Clearin' Brush"(3)
"Just Desserts (2)"
"Just Desserts" (7)
"Just Say 'Nyet'"(7)
"Just to CU Smile" (5)
"Kandy Kakes 2"
"Ken Meets Jack"
"Key Word Apology" (6)
"Killer's Geraldine" (4)
"Kilowatts Per Mile" (6)
"Kiribati Republic"(6)
"Kirk Saves Nemo"
"Kiss a Girl Goodbye"(2)
"Knew You Not Pompey?"(3)
"Kodak Moment" (2)
"Kool Sailboat" (4)
"Korea, Korea" (2)
"Kudlow's Kreeps"(4)
"Lady of Rohan" (3)
"Land Ho"(8)
"Lean and Hungry " (2)
"Leeward, I Say, Leeward"
"Legs Diamond" (3)
"Legs" (3)
"Leslie" (4)
"Lessons Learned" (2)
"Let Them Eat Cake"
"Let's Bake Cookies" (3)
"Let's Play A Game" (6)
"Letter Home" (6)
"Letter to Lou" (4)
"Liberal Lament" (40)
"Lief, Leaf, or Loaf"(8)
"Life In A Red State"
"Lights of Chicago"
"Like a Barack" (2)
"Limbaugh Hero"(7)
"Lime Bandits" (3)
"Lime is on my side" (6)
"Limestone Cowboys" (3)
"Lip Smackin' Good?"(6)
"Little Big Horn (2)"
"Little Houdini" (5)
"Little Sky"
"Littlest Angel" (2)
"Livin' is Easy?"(7)
"Loans and Deposits" (4)
"Lois, I Never Lie"(8)
"Lonely Avenue" (3)
"Lonesome Frodo" (3)
"Look away Dixieland"(6)
"Look for da Union Label"
"Look Who's Talkin'" (2)
"Lookin' Back, Texas" (3)
"Lost Weekend"(8)
"Low Water, Slow Flow"(3)
"Lox? Or Locks?" (7)
"Lunatic Cattle Call"(8)
"M-G-M Material"
"Ma Bell is Baaack" (3)
"Ma Bell Lives" (7)
"Macaca, Your Macaca" (2)
"Mad Dogs&Englishmen"(6)
"Made You Look" (6)
"Magic Fridge (2)"
"Magic Moments"(7)
"Make Jobs, Not War"(7)
"MaMa's Little Babies"(3)
"Man For All Seasons" (2)
"Man of the Century"
"Man Up, Harry"(6)
"Man's Best Friend?"
"Many happy returns"
"March Forth" (8)
"Marking Time" (3)
"Martyr Magic" (2)
"Marvelous Mac"(8)
"Mary Lee & Genie"(8)
"Master of None" (8)
"MatriculationMadness"(5)
"May Day, Comrade"(7)
"Maynard G. Krebs" (7)
"McCan't"(9)
"Medal of Honor" (6)
"Media is the Message(2)"
"Media Reporting" (6)
"Memories"(10)
"Mental Healthcare" (4)
"Michelle, my Belle"(7)
"Mick's Day"(8)
"Mickey and Me"(6)
"MidSummer Nights Dream"(7)
"Mikileaks" (6)
"Missionary Position" (3)
"Missionary Position" (7)
"Mississipp' Sippin'"(2)
"Mister Roberts" (8)
"Moamar:The Movie"(7)
"Mohair Sam" (5)
"Mon Petit Shoe"(4)
"Monkeys in Mississippi"
"Moody Blue"(7)
"Moody" (7)
"Mooman" (3)
"Moon Over Miami"(4)
"Mooosic" (5)
"Moovin' On Up" (2)
"Mordor or Antarctica?"
"More Than Some" (4)
"Moultrie Poultry" (3)
"Mount Mulch" (2)
"Movin' On Up" (2)
"Mr. Toad's Motorcar (2)"
"Mudbums"(9)
"Mumbai, My Lord" (4)
"Murtha For President(2)"
"N. Leroy" (7)
"Name That Tune"(4)
"Nascaroil" (4)
"Nat King Cole Sucks"(5)
"NCAA---Blech!" (7)
"Nein, nein, nein"(7)
"Never Doubt Bilbo"
"Never heard of him"
"Nevermore"(6)
"New Life, Old Leaves"(4)
"Newest Friend"(8)
"Newman's Own" (4)
"Newt/Mitt '12" (3)
"Next Case" (6)
"Next Door Neighbors" (3)
"NFL Commissioner (2)"
"NFL Trade" (3)
"Nielsen Ratings" (2)
"Nine Months PG" (7)
"Nixon Agonistes" (3)
"Nkosi"
"No Faux News?" (3)
"No Googling Allowed"(4)
"No Humor Today"
"No Peanut Left Behind"
"No Sale" (3)
"No, Not Russian" (4)
"No-No, No" (3)
"Nobody Even Asked"(8)
"Noo Yawk Stateamind"(2)
"Not a Bang,a Whimper"(7)
"Not Funny, Dr Jones"(5)
"Not North Carolina" (6)
"Not Percy Sledge?" (3)
"Not Percy Sledge?"(3)
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Southern Pine Beetles"(4)
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Frodo, Keeper of the Ring
Monday, June 20, 2005
Coming to America, Today!
Mood:  rushed
Topic: "50 Weeks of Reality TV"
When September came to the Shire, Frodo knew that he wanted to be the next Bert Parks. The fantasies of a young Hobbit were not wasted on one who sacrificed lust for ethics. Frodo could imagine what the decision-making process was truly like, but only when the Vanessa Williams controversy came to light was Frodo convinced that his fantasies touched upon reality. There was hanky-panky going on somewhere between the swimsuits and the talent portion of the show.

Frodo was distressed to learn that, with less than three months to go, no television network has picked up the broadcast rights for "The Miss America Pageant." Since the television contracts provide $5.8 million of the $6.9 million total revenue for the pageant, it is clear that the whole shebang (pun intended) is severely threatened.

Truth be told, the whole concept has gotten pretty dull, and that is why no network wants to cough up the cash to put on a show that not even Hobbits watch. What is interesting is that Mr. Art McMaster, CEO of the pageant, is promising to rework the entire framework of Miss America in order to adjust to the tastes of the viewing audience. Instead of a once-a-year special, McMaster is proposing several shows, akin to (gag) "American Idol."

Frodo imagines that such an initiative would require a panel of judges, capable of asessing the beauty, grace, talent, and sincerity of each candidate. Much like Paula Abdul apparently does as a judge on "American Idol." Given his willingness to serve when others hesitate, it seems only right that Frodo step forward to volunteer his services. 50 straight weeks is a daunting figure, but Frodo is up for it. Bert Parks, eat your heart out!

With all due respect to the intuition of friend Merry, it is true that Sam is once again, out of town.



Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:54 PM EDT
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Sunday, June 19, 2005
Willie, Mickey and the Duke
Mood:  energetic
Topic: "Glory Days"
"Tinker-to-Frodo-to-Chance" would be how history would have to re-write itself to accomodate the dreams of a Hobbit. Only the position fielded by the second baseman could serve the physical attributes of the smallest and the weakest. Perhaps that is why Frodo has always loved baseball, because it is the game that didn't exclude him.

In the Shire there is much invested in baseball. From the youngest years, fathers wait in interminable lines to register their sons in the best leagues in the choicest locations. Leagues and tournaments require travel to lands far beyond the Shire for children not yet in their teens.

There are no ballfields standing empty for a quick game between 8 or 9 good friends with one bat, and pieces of cardboard for bases. A horse-and-buggy is a more likely occurrence in the Shire than the kind of pick-up game that Frodo once knew. It is no longer a game, it is a development plan for professionals, and the stakes are enormous.

The Gallant Braves of the Shire are the social center of Summer in the South, and this year is unique among so many others. The Gallant Braves are riddled with injury, necessitating massive line-up changes just to field a team. Many of the players called up to play for the Gallant Braves are barely old enough to drink, much less vote. It has been a painful experience for the Gallant Braves to lose games because of inexperience.

Something is different, though, as the players have gotten used to each other. They are playing much better, and they are laughing. They are acting like they are supposed to be here, and they are enjoying it. Several of these young men are from the area around the Shire, and they are playing for the professional team in their home-town.

It is as if Frodo is watching the sons of some of those guys who used cardboard for bases, and only had one bat. Much has changed, but the smiles are the same.

Frodo may talk Sam into a night at the ballpark, and, in truth, there will not be a major objection. Sam noted on the first visit to Turner Field (built when Jane was in residence with Ted) that there were a more than adequate number of restrooms and stalls. Frodo, in order to avoid the "gender inequity in restroom availability legislation" which Sam has threatened to have introduced in the House of Representatives, does not propose outings without first determining the scope of facilities.

Sam will probably think the new guys are cute. Alas.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:24 PM EDT
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Thursday, June 16, 2005
There's A Place For Us, Somewhere
Mood:  amorous
Topic: "Hanky Time, Ladies"
Frodo sadly announces the passing of Mr. Percy Arrowsmith. Mr. Arrowsmith was a British subject for 105 years. Surpassing the significance of such a long and fruitful life however, was the fact that on June 1, 2005, the late Mr. Arrowsmith and his wife Florence celebrated their 80th wedding anniversary.

Thus ended the longest marriage between a living couple in the entire world. The cumulative 205 years of age between them represents the oldest married couple in recorded history.

They met in Hereford England, and she became a June Bride in 1925. The couple held hands at least once daily for more than 80 years. They leave three children, and additional offspring still being formally tabulated.

Frodo recalled something someone told him soon after his honeymoon, and with all due respect to the Arrowsmith union, he cannot help but wonder if after that first year Percy ever removed all of the beans from the jar.

Godspeed Sir.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:47 PM EDT
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Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Doctor, Doctor, Mister MD, Can You Tell Me What's Ailin' Me?
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: "Terminal? Great!"
The Senate Majority Witch Doctor has made the funny papers again. Bill Frist (R-Volunteer State)is proving to all the world that the ability to dissect a bowel, or to cauterize an artery does not carry the burden of common sense outside the operating room. For some inexplicable reason Frist refused requests for a roll call vote apologizing for past failures to pass anti-lynching laws. Then through a spokesperson he alleged that his actions were at the request of the sponsors of the bill. Both sponsors denied the allegation, and documented the fact that they requested a roll call vote.

When confronted by the denials of both Senator George Allen (R-Virginia) and Senator Mary Landrieu (D-Louisiana), things got kind of quiet in the waiting room.

Frodo notes that only 15 Senators did not go on record to sponsor the anti-lynching resolution. 14 of the 15 are Republicans, one of whom is Frist's fellow Senator from Tennessee, the very white Lamar Alexander. Also in the august group are both Senators from Mississippi, including Frist's predecessor as Senate Majority Leader (until he expressed his admiration for Strom Thurmond's Presidential credentials), Trent Lott.

Frodo asks all Americans to review the facts of the past several months regarding the performance of the non-surgical Witch Doctor. Senator Frist reviewed a four year-old edited videotape of the late Terry Schiavo, and bowed to the political wishes of his political backers, and basically proclaimed a prognosis which flew directly in contrast to all of the scientific evidence. The results of the autopsy reported today verify the impropriety of Frist's statements.

The Witch Doctor also saw fit to attempt to upend the procedural effectiveness of the United States Senate with his "nuclear option" relative to the filibuster rules. Frist's inability to manage internal affairs of the Senate was made public by an independent non-partisan group of Senators who came up with their own solution to the crisis.

This is also the financial genius who saw his own pool of campaign funds wither away due to his bad investment decisions. The same guy who wants to support the lame-brained "privatization" of Social Security funds so that others can, also, lose money.

Frodo does not have anything personal against the Witch Doctor. Frodo admires his work in "Doctors Without Borders." Frodo notes, however, that Frist has announced that he will not seek re-election to the Senate in 2006. Instead, he plans to run for the Presidency in 2008.

The only event which would strike greater fear into Frodo's heart would be for the Witch Doctor to tell Frodo that he shouldn't worry about that pain in his chest.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:03 PM EDT
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Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Blue Moon, You Saw Me Standing Alone
Mood:  happy
Topic: "The Garden of Good"
There is a long ribbon of highway that leads to the sea. It is a drive that offers little in the way of distraction or interest. Frodo's neighbor in the Shire was making that trek some years ago when he noticed movement near the fence which guards the highway. With little else to occupy his mind, he pulled to the side of the road to investigate. She was, for want of a better word, a mess.

It appeared as if one or more of her legs had been broken at some point in her life, and never directed to proper healing. She was infested with fleas and ticks, filthy dirty, but obviously pleased that someone, anyone, had taken an interest in her travail.

It was the road to the sea, to Savannah, and the perfect name for a weary traveler.

Once cleaned up and introduced to her foundling friends in the Shire, Savannah's life had seemed to take an upward turn. Unfortunately her time in the wild had attracted mosquitos, and heartworms were the next challenge for this beagle dachshund mix. The treatment is very similar to chemotherapy for people, and it takes some real resolve to overcome the side effects. Savannah's wagging tail, and ever-present smile did not fade from the Shire, regardless of the treatments.

One day, Savannah began to drag her hind quarters, and soon she lost all movement in her back legs. Frodo's neighbor, Sancho Proudfoot, was disconsolate, for he knew no way to overcome paralysis in a creature so full of life. Sam knew of a man who practiced acupuncture on creatures, and had heard of much success in the treatment of similar cases. Sancho decided to give it a try, since he had become quite attached to the quick brown dog.

The treatments were somewhat successful, but as her movement returned, it came to muscles which had atrophied during the paralysis. Sancho and Savannah were determined however, and soon a magical cart was outfitted to her hind quarters and Savannah learned to do "wheelies" and to crash through the underbrush in her own "Humvee." The cart worked out well for Sancho Proudfoot, for it seems that it became the ultimate "babe magnet" for young ladies to approach the determined Savannah, and for Sancho to accumulate names, phone numbers, and measurements.

One afternoon Sancho and Frodo were admiring the memorials to Prissy, Gumbo, Punkin, Peeper, and Lovey, while Mick (the Wonder Dog), Fiona, and Savannah were playing "pee on top of everybody else's pee." Sancho said to Frodo, "You know, you will have to help me when the time comes for Savannah." Frodo looked at the misty eyes of his neighbor and told him that digging the final resting place is a cathartic act. "You make it perfect, you do it with every inch of your strength, you tire yourself in her honour."

Savannah still plays "pee on top of everybody else's pee" with Mick and Fiona, although Mick does not come close (Frodo believes the cart may have bumped into a particularly sensitive part of his anatomy by accident). Savannah ages gracefully, but the gray is all about, and she sleeps a little longer each and every day. Fiona peeks in the open windows to encourage her friend to get up and come out and join in the search for squirrels. Savannah joins the entourage about once a week these hot summer days.

Soon that service will be held, and Frodo will be there for his friend Sancho. They will stand at attention, and honor this gallant life. It is sad only in that we will show a level of respect to Savannah that the President of the United States has not given to a single victim of the military actions which he has commanded. Frodo and Sancho, Hobbits though they be, are better men than he.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:38 PM EDT
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Monday, June 13, 2005
He Sends His Pure Sweet Love, On The Wings of a Dove
Mood:  silly
Topic: "Free at Last"
Frodo counted each of the doves, there were 10 of them. One, he supposes, for each of the counts on which Mr. Jackson was found innocent. The lady released one as each verdict on each count was announced. Frodo has always wondered what happens to all those birds.

Doves are fat and slow, sort of like prosecuting attorneys in California must feel. Doves are prime targets for hawks, cats, and hunters using shotguns. Prosecuting attorneys in California are particularly susceptible to anything covered by Court TV, Rush Limbaugh, or any network who puts attorneys on split-screen so that they can shake their head while the other is screaming. If it hadn't been for that nutcase Peterson, one would have to go back to the Gold Rush to find a case where anyone had been successfully prosecuted in California.

Frodo has never heard of "homing doves," so it is unlikely that any of the birds will ever again venture anywhere near the Neverland Ranch. Whether or not another prosecuting attorney comes into the vicinity remains to be seen?

Frodo has decided that the American legal system requires a bit of fine tuning. It is Frodo's suggestion that we appeal the Michael Jackson decision to the Supreme Court of the United States. Imagine, dear reader, Michael Jackson and Clarence Thomas together in the same room. Two former black guys, trying to decide which one is whiter. Is it the paleface or the one who walks like he has a stick up his butt?

There is the very real possibility that somebody might just pop Thomas across the head with an umbrella. Then again, the potential would exist that Mr. Jackson might actually spend a night in jail, with a roommate not of his choosing, bringing a diabolical smile to Frodo's countenance. It is hard for Frodo to accept the fact that Dr. King would have had these two in mind when he marched out of that church in Montgomery toward his rendezvous in Memphis.

Those doves are probably pigeons, painted white.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:54 PM EDT
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Sunday, June 12, 2005
You Can't Start a Fire Without a Spark, This Gun's For Hire
Mood:  chillin'
Topic: "Deja 1958 Over Again"
Frodo walked from the parking area all the way down to the little creek that dissected the field that was Andersonville. He had been there before. Maybe it was just because he had read Bruce Catton's great book when he was only 12 years old, and it had imprinted on his Hobbithood. He doesn't think so. Frodo could not recall any events or faces, he just felt like he had seen the sun rise in that spot, and felt himself cough.

It is much the same this day, but it is in this lifetime that he has seen the cycle of error repeated. Frodo knows that he has been this way before.

Richard Starnes would write that "we should take a brigade of US Marines and straighten out that situation," and Frodo was just young enough to believe that that was all it would take. The President of the United States would demand a response to the "threat" which a gunboat incident somewhere near the South China Sea would provoke. The demands on the economy were such that the unprecedented growth would suddenly became subordinate to the costs of defense. Ambition had soared so high that it could be masked in the paranoia fostered by an unseen but omnipotent enemy. And through it all, middle age had overtaken one generation, "tempered by war," and youth was handing the next generation their signature moment.

There is no light at the end, there is only dancing in the dark. Bruce Springsteen wails to Frodo, same lines, different actors.

"I'm a cool rocking daddy in the USA."


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:00 PM EDT
Updated: Monday, June 13, 2005 8:56 PM EDT
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Thursday, June 9, 2005
We Fired Our Guns and the British Kept A'Comin'
Mood:  accident prone
Topic: "Fergit? Hell No!"
Major Robert Rogers (portrayed by Spencer Tracy in "Northwest Passage")has become the subject of a statue erected on Rogers Island in the Hudson River, 40 miles north of Albany. The site was the base camp for "Rogers' Rangers" in the late 1750's when the British and French fought for control of North America. In 1759 the Rangers conducted a raid on an Indian village in Quebec, which inspired James Fenimore Cooper to write the first American novel, "The Last of the Mohicans."
Rogers, himself, subsequently penned a manual on guerilla warfare which is still used as a blueprint for Army Ranger fighting tactics.

Surely, thought Frodo, there could be no objection to Spencer Tracy. How could anyone object to the inspiration for Daniel Day-Lewis as "Hawkeye?" Well little pardners, it just goes to show you, as Roseanne Roseannadanna was fond of saying, "If it ain't one thing, it's another."

Some Veterans groups objected because they felt that unveiling the monument on Memorial Day was insensitive since Rogers remained loyal to England during the Revolutionary War. Bob Bearor, a veteran of the 101st Airborne, stated "I think it is a travesty that we would think about honoring. . .someone who fought against us on that day."

Frodo has considered bearing arms against the British on more than one occasion. His failure to do so he always considered to be an "adult" response, as opposed to the role of a provocateur. Therefore, to appease Mr. Bearor, and his associates, Frodo is today declaring a state of preemptive aggression between the Shire and the British Empire. Prime Minister Blair should be forewarned that he is no longer a desired guest at afternoon tea.

The Shire is announcing an economic boycott of all things British. That includes, well, tea, and uh, well, anything else that comes to mind that the Imperialists export into the Shire. Understand that these sanctions do not extend to teas emanating from any other source and which are used in the preparation of the true Southern delight, "sweet tea."

Frodo believes that Major Rogers would approve of his actions in this matter. Frodo has instructed all of the Hobbits under his control to follow Rule No. 1 of Rogers' manual, which is "Don't forget nothing." It is obvious that Mr. Bearor and his associates also follow the same rule.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:38 PM EDT
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Wednesday, June 8, 2005
Look Down Upon Me Jesus, Ya Gotta Help Me Make a Stand
Mood:  cheeky
Topic: "Eve, It's Oil!"
Two months ago, Zion Oil & Gas Company, began drilling a deep oil well near Kibbutz Maanit in Israel. Frodo has learned that this country, which is just about the same size as New Jersey, produces only about 80 barrels of oil per day. Why, then, would anyone invest millions of dollars into a venture hoping to strike oil in the one area of the Middle East that doesn't seem to have much, if any, oil at all? Reason, dear reader, is that the investors and the oil-driller believe in the Word of God.

According to Mr. John Brown, the book of Genesis quotes Jacob as saying that God will give "blessings of the deep that couches beneath," and that the blessings will be on "the head of Joseph." That is sufficient for Mr. Brown to have raised millions of dollars from American evangelicals to drill his oil well in the spot 25 miles from downtown Tel Aviv. Brown believes his effort will uncover a reservoir of black gold which will help him fulfill his "destiny to help the people of Israel become energy independent."

Skeptical industry analysts have admitted that Brown could strike oil, but he would never find enough to even satisfy Israel's immediate needs.
Frodo has puzzled over the fact that it was an evangelical preacher who influenced Brown, at age 65, on this interpretation of Genesis. Frodo looked at the same words, crawled onto the floor of his living room, peered under the couch, and found almost $3 in small change. Frodo then called his friend Pippin, in New Jersey, and asked him to check the racing charts, and see if there was a horse named something like "Joseph" listed in any of the races at near by tracks. If so, please place a $2 bet on the horse to win.

Frodo and Pippin split a purse of $47.60 on "Joe's Pride" in the third at Aqueduct.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.






Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:03 PM EDT
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Monday, June 6, 2005
Time, Time, Time Is On My Side, Yes It Is
Mood:  rushed
Topic: "Untimely Events"
Lewis Carroll taught Frodo that an "Unbirthday" was a celebratory event, far beyond the more conventional "Birthday." Frodo tries to mark every "Unbirthday" with the best product of the Miller Brewing Company, or with something that makes him recall the few Russian words that rhyme with "Stolichnaya." Those few minutes of time are for Frodo, and in consideration of his daily trek to Mount Doom.

A recent spell of very warm weather on the shores of the Thames brought about a very strange event. Big Ben, the landmark London clock renowned for both its' chimes and its' accuracy, stopped ticking for 90 minutes. The 147 year-old clock, for no explainable reason decided that the warmest day in London since 1953 should be marked by a halt in the passage of time.

The conspiracy theorist in Frodo questions the 90 minutes unmarked by history. Perhaps an alien intelligence suspended the mind of man in order to mask some devious plan to assimilate the Citizens of Middle Earth. Is it possible that the Government implemented some new and underhanded effort to "plant" weapons of mass destruction in an Iraqi sewage treatment facility, and they put us all to sleep while they did so?

All we know for sure is that there were 90 minutes for which Londoners have no record. Frodo's belief is that Ann Coulter must have been in London that day. That is, indeed, a face that can stop a clock.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:12 PM EDT
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