Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Saturday, June 4, 2005

Why Don't They Leave Me Alone? This is The Worst Trip I've Ever Been On
Mood:

loud
Topic: "Smokin' Pesticide Dope"
Teflon is not usually in the kit bag of an exterminator, and would probably be useful only to fend off questions should the termites return. Frodo believes that inexperience with Teflon is why House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-Where Else but Texas?) got exorcised over a recent episode of "Law and Order: Criminal Intent."

Frodo reminds the reader of the Terry Schiavo situation, and the resultant comments, inappropriate to be sure, by DeLay. "The time will come for the men responsible for this to answer for their behavior," he said only hours after Ms. Schiavo's body joined her mind. A week later, DeLay apologized for his "inartful" comments.

In the television drama episode, which it should be noted is Sam's favorite show, one of the police officers said, "Maybe we should put out an APB for somebody in a Tom DeLay T-shirt?" Since the episode involved the shooting death of a federal judge, Mr. DeLay evidently felt that the comment was also "inartful." However, in his letter to the head dude at NBC Universal Television, DeLay felt that the comment was actually more of a "slur."

Frodo has been very disappointed with the role taken by television journalism. As Ted Turner has said, they seem more concerned with the "pervert of the day," than that which imperils Middle Earth. Frodo was encouraged by these drama guys at NBC, their top Entertainment guy, Kevin Reilly, defended the show and said that "It's not unusual. . .to mention real names in fictional stories. . ." Creator Dick Wolf added, "I congratulate Congressman DeLay for switching the spotlight from his own problems to an episode of a television show."

Frodo's stomach still quivers when he remembers Archer, Armey, and DeLay sitting side-by-side in the House of Representatives. Larry, Moe, and Curley were never better typecast for posterity. Archer re-wrote the tax laws so that his kids would not have to share his estate with the Citizens of Middle Earth. Armey was a walking, talking advertisement for corporate campaign contributions. DeLay, another "reformed" alcoholic, must have inhaled deeply around some of those pesticides, or else he is too dumb to properly apply Teflon to his political butt.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:53 PM EDT

Updated: Saturday, June 4, 2005 9:58 PM EDT

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Thursday, June 2, 2005

Playin' Since They Babies, Nashville Cats
Mood:

party time!
Topic: "Workin' on Night Moves"
"It's a bunch of bull, I tried to do something special for my son. It didn't harm him. You only turn 16 once," so said Mrs. Anette Pharris, 34, of suburban Nashville at her indictment by a grand jury on charges of contributing to the delinquency of a minor and involving a minor in obscene acts. It seems Mrs. Pharris had arranged a special surprise for little Landon Pharris at his birthday party last September.

About 30 people attended the party, and at least 10 of them were under the age of 18. The group was entertained by the presence of Ms. Cassandra Joyce Park (aka "Sassy"), 29, who danced for several hours before "the guys" took up a collection of $150 to compensate her for her performance in the nude. Sassy also did a special lap dance for the birthday boy.

Frodo notes that the indictments were handed down in this matter approximately nine months after young Landon's rite of passage. It happened that the family took almost three rolls of film in their documentation of this history-making day, but seemingly took their sweet time in dropping the film off at the local CVS to be developed. An alert photographic development assistant at the drug store was "shocked" at what he saw and notified the local gendarmes.

Frodo envisions the following:
"Sheriff, this is Willie Frist over at the CVS."
"Yeah, how're you?"
"Oh they're fine. We're all jes fine."
"Sheriff, I think you better come over here and take a look at what I have here."
"Well, I have some obscenity, right here in River City."

"Well, that sure didn't take ya long to get over here."
"Well Sir, Ms. Pharris brought these here rolls of film over to be developed, and they just filled full of pictures of Sassy Park in the all together."
"Ya see this one here, take a look in the background. Recognize those two?"
"That there's Sassy's husband, and right next to him is her Daddy."
"No I don't suppose you had noticed any of the background in them photos."

Frodo missed very few formative experiences as a teenager, and he is grateful for all the input to his Hobbithood. However, his 16th birthday party was at "Chucky Cheese," and he no longer feels obligated to keep the souvenir balloon.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:01 PM EDT

Updated: Thursday, June 2, 2005 9:04 PM EDT

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Wednesday, June 1, 2005

You Make My Heart Sing, You Make Everything, Groovy
Mood:

d'oh
Topic: "Monkeys in Mississippi"
After nine years, Donald Wildmon, the Pseudo-Reverend who attaches his name to the "American Family Association" (ergo "The White Citizens Council"), has announced the end of the boycott against the Walt Disney Company. Surprisingly, this action corresponds to the departure of Disney CEO Michael Eisner, who just happens to be Jewish. Frodo is sure that there is no relationship between these random events.

The Pseudo-Reverend stated that "Boycotts have been a last resort for us at AFA, and the Disney boycott was started to address. . .the promotion of the homosexual agenda in the culture and media."

"We feel we have made our point. . .so we have decided to focus our resources on more pivotal issues related to the same concerns we had with Disney," was the justification used for declaring that Mickey Mouse is no longer gay.

Concomitantly, the Pseudo-Reverend announced a boycott against Ford Motor Company saying that the automaker has given thousands of dollars to gay rights groups, offers benefits to same-sex couples, and actively recruits gay employees. Ford responded that they provide the same benefits as DaimlerChrysler and General Motors, and that they donated $77.9 Million to a wide variety of charities. $39.6 Million to education alone, and a much smaller portion to community groups.

"Oh yeah," said T. Beauford Lott of Yazoo City, "well we don't plan to buy none of them Tauruses or Fairlanes down heah while they give money to them Saddamites," (Frodo believes he was referring to Sodom, rather than to Saddam). Frodo inquired of Master Lott as to exactly what his plan of action would entail. Master Lott informed Frodo that he would hold a press conference immediately upon his family's return from their summer vacation.

They're going to Disney World. . .in a Jaguar (now a Ford product).

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:46 PM EDT

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Tuesday, May 31, 2005

What a Tale My Thoughts Could Tell, Just Like a Paperback Novel
Mood:

surprised
Topic: "What Mark Felt"
Frodo has been plagued by two questions which he feared would not be resolved even during the extended life of the Hobbit. Is there intelligent life in our Universe? Obviously, we are aware of many places where that is not the case. The Moon and Texas are ready reference points. The other question, the identity of "Deep Throat," has tonight been resolved and confirmed.

Recapturing the spirit of the Watergate scandals, the subsequent cover-up, and the investigation itself is beyond the ability of the scribe. Frodo remembers the televised hearings, and how the entire nation sat entranced evening after evening as the intensity of the testimony, and the seemingly endless disclosures mixed pleasure with tragedy. Frodo remembers John J. Sirica, Sam Ervin, Fred Thompson, Howard Baker, Howell Heflin, and Martha Mitchell, among many others.

Martha Mitchell is the one that Frodo always wanted to meet. When it appeared that her husband, the former Attorney General, and Chairman of the Committee to Re-Elect the President (CREEP), was chosen to fall on his sword to take the blame, she fought back the only way she knew. She attacked those in charge, vehemently, and she defended her husband with emotion. An emotion so charged that everybody just assumed she had gone off the deep end. He was a lucky man to be so loved.

Frodo listened to the tapes again tonight, and he heard Nixon and Haldeman discussing their belief that Mark Felt was the source of Woodward's information. Nixon asked if he were a Catholic, and Frodo was reminded of the venom when Nixon was told that Felt was Jewish.

Frodo made a promise a long time ago, that, someday, he would urinate on that tombstone in Orange County, California. Which means, dear reader, that if you follow the news close enough you will someday see Frodo on the Evening News. May that answer one of your questions.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:37 PM EDT

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Thursday, May 26, 2005

It's a Wild World, It's Hard to Get By Just Upon a Smile
Mood:

bright
Topic: "Who Dat Say Who Dat?"
"Hear Ye, Hear Ye, All those with business before this Court please rise. Judge Frodo Baggins presiding."
"Call the first case Bailiff."
"Yes, your Honour, in the matter of Mr. Vince Neil v. National Broadcasting Company, all involved parties please come forward."
"WHO is representing the plaintiff in this matter?"
"No your Honour, MOTLEY CRUE is representing themselves in this matter."
"I beg your pardon?"
"MOTLEY CRUE, your Honour."
"Young man, I only care WHO?"
"Not WHO, your Honour, MOTLEY CRUE."
"Appearances, young man, have absolutely nothing to do with my judgement about this matter. You are representing yourselves?"
"Yes your Honour."
"WHO?"
"No, MOTLEY CRUE."
"As a part of this MOTLEY CRUE, you are WHO?"
"No your Honour."
"No WHO?"
"That's correct."
"WHO's correct?"
"No, MOTLEY CRUE."
"WHO are you?"
"MOTLEY CRUE."
"Separating yourself from the group of plaintiffs, what is your name?"
"Vince Neil your Honour."
"And the rest of your group is WHO?"
"No sir, your Honour."
"WHO are these young men?"
"MOTLEY CRUE, your Honour. None of them have ever been associated with WHO."
"WHO?"
"Not a one."
"Mr. Neil, this MOTLEY CRUE as you call them, standing before me with you as plaintiffs in this matter, are representing themselves, am I correct?"
"Yes your Honour."
"Mr. Neil could you summarize the nature of the lawsuit filed by this MOTLEY CRUE against NBC?"
"Yes, your honour, we allege that NBC discriminated against us by banning us from any future appearances on their network. It is true that a profane word was used during a live broadcast of "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno," but NBC retaliated against MOTLEY CRUE in a manner inconsistent with similar utterances in the past."
"I see, by WHO?"
"No your Honour."
"No? WHO?"
"Not WHO, BONO."
"BONO? WHO is BONO?"
"No your Honour."
"BONO is not WHO?"
"That is correct."
"WHO is correct?"
"You are, your Honour."
"OK, WHO said the profane word?"
"BONO."
"No, WHO in this MOTLEY CRUE?"
"No your Honour, WHO is not a part of this MOTLEY CRUE."
"Mr. Neil, did you say the profane word?"
"Yes your Honour."
"You and WHO?"
"No your Honour, Me and BONO."
"So, you of this MOTLEY CRUE, and BONO were punished on different levels by the defendant, NBC? Is that correct?"
"It is your Honour."

"Excellent. Now WHO represents the Defendants in this matter?"
"No your Honour. I represent National Broadcasting Company in this matter."
"And you are WHO?"
"No your Honour."
"I assume that you, sir, are not with either MOTLEY CRUE or with BONO? You are representing the Defendant, the National Broadcasting Network?"
"I am."
"You are associated with a law firm?"
"Yes, your Honour."
"May I ask WHO?"
"I'm not familiar with that firm your Honour."
"WHO?"
"I never heard of them."

Frodo will take a brief recess until after the Memorial Day Observance.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:24 PM EDT

Updated: Thursday, May 26, 2005 10:35 PM EDT

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Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Seems the Troubles Are Always Theirs, Doesn't Anybody Know My Name?
Mood:

caffeinated
Topic: "I Inspired You?"
Frodo saw the lady every time. She was older than Frodo, and she looked as if she had recently had a stroke. He respected her privacy and simply proceeded with his business and never said a word to her. As he circled the indoor track, she kept to the inside rail and plodded on step-by-step.

Time after time he passed her as he worked through his exercise regimen. He noticed that she would drift to the right about every third step, and that she would have to compensate with a leftward step to maintain her position. She plodded on, determined, trying to get the body to respond to the plan she had set for it. Frodo passed her, and passed her, and passed her.

Frodo was always pleased to see her when he walked onto the track. Her effort was inspirational. Frodo would be reaching the end of his endurance and he would see her in front of him, drifting right, correcting, plodding on, and Frodo thought, "I can do one more. I can do one more."

One day they were there all alone, and when Frodo reached his stopping point, she was nearby. She looked at Frodo and she said, "You are so beautiful. You run so effortlessly. You are my inspiration. I watch you go by, and I try harder. You help me get better." Frodo is not often without words, but he was that day. He told of the lump in his throat as he realized that these two Hobbits, unknown to each other, were inspiring someone else to do more, to do better, to get well.

Soon thereafter, she comes no more. Frodo looks for her every time, hoping. He never knew her name. Frodo will remember, and not make such a mistake again.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:40 PM EDT

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Monday, May 23, 2005

Bloom and Grow, Forever.
Mood:

lazy
Topic: "This, Too, Shall Pass"
English Plaintain pollen is in the air all around the Shire. This plant, weed, if you will, is like an old movie actor you've seen a hundred times, but never knew his name. Remember Dub Taylor? Johnny Carson had him on the "Tonight" Show many times, simply because everybody remembered seeing him, but nobody had a clue as to he was.

English Plaintain has oval shaped leaves at the base, which parallel the surface of your front lawn. In the middle are one or two upright stalks about three inches tall with fuzzy stuff on the end. It is entirely green. Sound familiar? Frodo can walk around the Shire this very instant and find many examples.

Well, "Forsooth," saith thou, "so what?". Ah anxious ones, be not so concerned about the Witch Doctor and the "nuclear option," for the entrance of pollen from the English Plaintain is the official beginning of the end of the hayfever and allergy season in the Shire. Those nightly readings of particles per million begin to drop from the thousands into the hundreds. There to stay, until Fall.

So let there be rejoicing amongst all the Peoples of Middle Earth. Open your windows, breath in the aromas of Spring, and forget that you even have sinus cavities. There are some things which are, indeed, priceless. English Plaintain, bless my Homeland Forever!

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:54 PM EDT

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Sunday, May 22, 2005

Ahab the Arab, Sheik of the Burning Sand
Mood:

crushed out
Topic: "Classified Ads are Cool"
Imagine that you are a young Southern woman from someplace called Louisville Alabama; that you find yourself at the end of a failed marriage, out of work, and hanging out in Jacksonville, Florida. Add in the fact that you have very long blonde hair, and that your dimensions are somewhat akin to Dolly Parton. What would you do if you read a classified ad for a position in your field in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, and the year was 1978? Honey, in six weeks you have a visa, and you are doing Medical Transcription in the Royal Hospital.

Frodo has just described Jean Sasson, author of "Princess: A True Story of Life Behind the Veil in Saudi Arabia," and "Mayada, Daughter of Iraq."

Frodo has read the first of the books cited above, and has his autographed copy of the second beside him as he writes. The very dynamic author chronicles what life has been like for an extremely assertive American woman living and working in a feudalistic male-dominated society. Seriously, imagine Dolly Parton living in Saudi society for more than a dozen years, and you can imagine what Ms. Sasson experienced.

There were gifts of floral arrangements with diamonds as the calyx of the flower. If she would merely agree to have tea with some dude who already had a wife or two, the diamonds were hers.

There were men who threatened to take their lives because they found themselves dreaming about a woman, presumably the knee-length blonde hair was more than the Koran would allow.

But the stories are not all about the men who seem so alien and barbaric to those of us, including George W. Bush, who have no clue about that society. The women, the married ones, are sex machines for their husbands, doing anything to curry favor, and to retain their position as the ONLY wife. The women are usually aghast at the status of American women, who are not protected their whole lives, and who have to "prostitute" themselves to get a husband, or to obtain power in society.

Frodo listened to the words of First Lady Laura Bush this past weekend as she toured three countries in the Middle East. It was clear that she had not read any of Jean Sasson's books. They were probably still waiting to be classified under the Dewey Decimal System in Crawford.

Jean Sasson writes about women, not about policy. Frodo was pleased to have made her acquaintance, and the lengthy discussion we had. It is two-and-one-half hours from Louisville to Monroeville, Alabama. Given the writers from those two little towns, there must be something in the water.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:46 PM EDT

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Friday, May 20, 2005

What Kind of Fool, Do You, Think I Am?
Mood:

smelly
Topic: "Pants on Fire"
The little weenie, Ralph Reed, now states that the money did come from the CHOCTAWS, however, through his spokesperson, he states it did not come from their casino gambling revenues. And how, pray tell, does he know? Because they told him so.

Now, let's point out that these are the people, whom his business associate, Mr. Abramoff referred to as "morons" and "troglodytes." Let's also recognize that the CHOCTAWS compete with the TIGUAS for the sale of little rubber tomahawks to tourists. We all know that there is big money in little rubber tomahawks. Frodo is doubtful, unlike Sadie Fields of the Christian Coalition in Georgia, who said, "As far as I know. . .I have no reason to doubt him." Sadie, you have just proved that you are unable to distinguish the difference between a pothole and your butt.

Reverend Tom Grey, Executive Director of the National Coalition Against Legalized Gambling stated "No one in the anti-gambling fight would accept that there's a distinction." Grey's group received $300,000 from the CHOCTAWS through Grover Norquist in 1999, and then paid $271,000 of it to Reeds's consulting firm.

Why does Frodo keep hearing the words, "I did not have sex with that woman, Miss Lewinsky?"

Appropriate officials should convene a Grand Jury now. If this is serious enough for this little buzzard to be caught in a direct lie by his own clients, then there are more than character issues at stake.

Frodo looks forward to the day when one of Rupert Murdock's newspapers publishes pictures of Ralph Reed in his underwear washing his socks.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:08 PM EDT

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Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Lord I Can't Go Back There
Mood:

on fire
Topic: "Follow the Money"
Frodo will tonight attempt the greatest feat of magic ever presented in writing. In a few short paragraphs he will attempt to hold your attention while clearly and succinctly describing how a prominent political figure laundered money. Listen my children, and you shall read of the chicanery of Ralph Reed.

Between 1999 and 2002, Ralph Reed (through his business) was paid $4.2 Million to encourage the closure of the TIGUA Tribal Casino in El Paso, Texas. The Casino closed in 2002. In 2002, the attorneys who brought Reed into the deal approached the TIGUA tribe to reopen their closed casino, and their proposed fee was $4 Million.

The $4.2 Million deal included $1.15 Million which was paid to Reed for the specific purpose of helping to defeat the Lottery proposed for the State of Alabama in 1999. The $1.15 Million was originally received from an organization called the Americans for Tax Reform (Grover Norquist, in other words). Norquist received the money as a contribution from the CHOCTAW Tribal Casino of Mississippi. Norquist contributed the money directly to the Alabama Anti-Lottery Organization. The Alabama Anti-Lottery Organization turned right around and sent the money to their consultant, Ralph Reed.

Very briefly, Ralph Reed received money from one group of Indians, the CHOCTAWS, in order to help put their competition, the TIGUAS, out of business.

Reed has denied knowing that any money came from "gaming interests." In fact, he assured his client, the Alabama Anti-Lottery Organization, that no money from other gambling interests was involved.
The result is that there is no Lottery in Alabama, the Texas Casino was closed, and the CHOCTAWS control almost all of the gambling in a huge geographical portion of America.

The attorney who arranged all of this has been Reed's friend, business partner, and contributor for more than 20 years. His name is Jack Abramoff.

Does anyone feel like a shower?

Ralph Reed has announced his candidacy for the position of Lieutenant Governor, State of Georgia, as a Republican.

Does anyone else wish that Elliot Ness was still around?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:23 PM EDT

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