Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Looking For a Home, Gotta Have a Home
Mood:

spacey
Topic: "Bishop to King's Castle"
The Supreme Court of the United States of America today ruled that a man's home may be his castle, but he is only a leaseholder. There is an anomaly to the fervor of those who are, well, fervent, in their disfavor with the 5-4 decision. The voting majority, it seems, were the progressive (i.e, generally sane) and the minority was Rehnquist, Scalia, Thomas, and O'Connor. The people most upset are those with the most extreme postures of both the right and the left in the general population. Those in the middle seem to think the Court ruled correctly.

Frodo is in a pickle. It is beyond his cognitive scale to recall the last time he agreed with Sandra Day O'Connor on almost anything. Frodo doesn't even like the way she does her hair. If any woman has ever met the definition of "frump," it is with the bobbed-do of an Arizona broad-rumped golfer in the mind's eye. Regardless, Frodo thought that she actually went beyond the greed of one protecting their own assets to actually make a valid point about the definition of freedom.

The home used to be protected from "unreasonable search and seizure," that is until the Patriot Act came along, and all of a sudden there were exceptions.

Today the home could fall to the concept of "eminent domain," because of the efforts of individuals which would yield "higher and better" use of the land, thereby benefiting the community as a whole.

Frodo is not a speculator when it comes to the direction of the law. In the Shire it is said that "the law follows the will of Hobbits by 25 years." Frodo notes that today one can "purchase" a home with no money down, and pay only interest for several years. The "ownership" of that home does not stand in the hands of the occupant. It belongs to the bank.

Wasn't there a problem in the 1930's with people owing a lot of money to banks, and the loss of farms in Oklahoma and places like that? Frodo remembers a book that told of the movement of the homeless to California. It was called "The Grapes of Wrath."

Frodo always admired Tom Joad. He just never thought he'd run into him on the road to America's future.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:08 PM EDT

Updated: Thursday, June 23, 2005 9:15 PM EDT

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Tuesday, June 21, 2005

It Ain't Me, It Ain't Me, I'm No Rich Man's Son
Mood:

on fire
Topic: "Plaque 42W, Line 12"
George W. Bush announced today that he will be going to Vietnam in 2006. Thirty-seven years too late, Frodo adds.

Will he wear his flight suit? Will he take a tour of the Cambodian border in a Swift Boat? Will he visit the "Hanoi Hilton"? Will he look for human remains near the wreckage of a downed fighter plane? Will he take a mountain bike ride on the Ho Chi Minh Trail? Will he stand on the airstrip at Khe Sanh and look for the spot where Max Cleland lost three of his limbs? Will he visit a Vietnamese Military Cemetery?

Frodo listened to George W. Bush announce that the Vietnamese Government was acting to ensure greater religious freedom. Frodo remembers that it was Buddhist Monks setting themselves on fire to protest the actions of the heavily Catholic South Vietnamese that exacerbated the enmity between North and South. Religious freedom, any freedom, doesn't usually come without a price. As George W. Bush would say, "It is hard work."

George W. Bush wants John Bolton to "reform" the United Nations. Frodo remembers that it was the United States which failed to endorse the Geneva Accords of 1954. The Accords called for free and open elections in Vietnam. The United States objected because it was feared that the Communists would win the election. The United States of America stood against the right to vote. The United States lost almost 60,000 soldiers because we fought against freedom of religion and the right to vote.

Frodo believes that it is appropriate that George W. Bush go to Vietnam. Frodo hopes he apologizes for being just a little late.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:23 PM EDT

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Monday, June 20, 2005

Coming to America, Today!
Mood:

rushed
Topic: "50 Weeks of Reality TV"
When September came to the Shire, Frodo knew that he wanted to be the next Bert Parks. The fantasies of a young Hobbit were not wasted on one who sacrificed lust for ethics. Frodo could imagine what the decision-making process was truly like, but only when the Vanessa Williams controversy came to light was Frodo convinced that his fantasies touched upon reality. There was hanky-panky going on somewhere between the swimsuits and the talent portion of the show.

Frodo was distressed to learn that, with less than three months to go, no television network has picked up the broadcast rights for "The Miss America Pageant." Since the television contracts provide $5.8 million of the $6.9 million total revenue for the pageant, it is clear that the whole shebang (pun intended) is severely threatened.

Truth be told, the whole concept has gotten pretty dull, and that is why no network wants to cough up the cash to put on a show that not even Hobbits watch. What is interesting is that Mr. Art McMaster, CEO of the pageant, is promising to rework the entire framework of Miss America in order to adjust to the tastes of the viewing audience. Instead of a once-a-year special, McMaster is proposing several shows, akin to (gag) "American Idol."

Frodo imagines that such an initiative would require a panel of judges, capable of asessing the beauty, grace, talent, and sincerity of each candidate. Much like Paula Abdul apparently does as a judge on "American Idol." Given his willingness to serve when others hesitate, it seems only right that Frodo step forward to volunteer his services. 50 straight weeks is a daunting figure, but Frodo is up for it. Bert Parks, eat your heart out!

With all due respect to the intuition of friend Merry, it is true that Sam is once again, out of town.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:54 PM EDT

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Sunday, June 19, 2005

Willie, Mickey and the Duke
Mood:

energetic
Topic: "Glory Days"
"Tinker-to-Frodo-to-Chance" would be how history would have to re-write itself to accomodate the dreams of a Hobbit. Only the position fielded by the second baseman could serve the physical attributes of the smallest and the weakest. Perhaps that is why Frodo has always loved baseball, because it is the game that didn't exclude him.

In the Shire there is much invested in baseball. From the youngest years, fathers wait in interminable lines to register their sons in the best leagues in the choicest locations. Leagues and tournaments require travel to lands far beyond the Shire for children not yet in their teens.

There are no ballfields standing empty for a quick game between 8 or 9 good friends with one bat, and pieces of cardboard for bases. A horse-and-buggy is a more likely occurrence in the Shire than the kind of pick-up game that Frodo once knew. It is no longer a game, it is a development plan for professionals, and the stakes are enormous.

The Gallant Braves of the Shire are the social center of Summer in the South, and this year is unique among so many others. The Gallant Braves are riddled with injury, necessitating massive line-up changes just to field a team. Many of the players called up to play for the Gallant Braves are barely old enough to drink, much less vote. It has been a painful experience for the Gallant Braves to lose games because of inexperience.

Something is different, though, as the players have gotten used to each other. They are playing much better, and they are laughing. They are acting like they are supposed to be here, and they are enjoying it. Several of these young men are from the area around the Shire, and they are playing for the professional team in their home-town.

It is as if Frodo is watching the sons of some of those guys who used cardboard for bases, and only had one bat. Much has changed, but the smiles are the same.

Frodo may talk Sam into a night at the ballpark, and, in truth, there will not be a major objection. Sam noted on the first visit to Turner Field (built when Jane was in residence with Ted) that there were a more than adequate number of restrooms and stalls. Frodo, in order to avoid the "gender inequity in restroom availability legislation" which Sam has threatened to have introduced in the House of Representatives, does not propose outings without first determining the scope of facilities.

Sam will probably think the new guys are cute. Alas.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:24 PM EDT

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Thursday, June 16, 2005

There's A Place For Us, Somewhere
Mood:

amorous
Topic: "Hanky Time, Ladies"
Frodo sadly announces the passing of Mr. Percy Arrowsmith. Mr. Arrowsmith was a British subject for 105 years. Surpassing the significance of such a long and fruitful life however, was the fact that on June 1, 2005, the late Mr. Arrowsmith and his wife Florence celebrated their 80th wedding anniversary.

Thus ended the longest marriage between a living couple in the entire world. The cumulative 205 years of age between them represents the oldest married couple in recorded history.

They met in Hereford England, and she became a June Bride in 1925. The couple held hands at least once daily for more than 80 years. They leave three children, and additional offspring still being formally tabulated.

Frodo recalled something someone told him soon after his honeymoon, and with all due respect to the Arrowsmith union, he cannot help but wonder if after that first year Percy ever removed all of the beans from the jar.

Godspeed Sir.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:47 PM EDT

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Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Doctor, Doctor, Mister MD, Can You Tell Me What's Ailin' Me?
Mood:

don't ask
Topic: "Terminal? Great!"
The Senate Majority Witch Doctor has made the funny papers again. Bill Frist (R-Volunteer State)is proving to all the world that the ability to dissect a bowel, or to cauterize an artery does not carry the burden of common sense outside the operating room. For some inexplicable reason Frist refused requests for a roll call vote apologizing for past failures to pass anti-lynching laws. Then through a spokesperson he alleged that his actions were at the request of the sponsors of the bill. Both sponsors denied the allegation, and documented the fact that they requested a roll call vote.

When confronted by the denials of both Senator George Allen (R-Virginia) and Senator Mary Landrieu (D-Louisiana), things got kind of quiet in the waiting room.

Frodo notes that only 15 Senators did not go on record to sponsor the anti-lynching resolution. 14 of the 15 are Republicans, one of whom is Frist's fellow Senator from Tennessee, the very white Lamar Alexander. Also in the august group are both Senators from Mississippi, including Frist's predecessor as Senate Majority Leader (until he expressed his admiration for Strom Thurmond's Presidential credentials), Trent Lott.

Frodo asks all Americans to review the facts of the past several months regarding the performance of the non-surgical Witch Doctor. Senator Frist reviewed a four year-old edited videotape of the late Terry Schiavo, and bowed to the political wishes of his political backers, and basically proclaimed a prognosis which flew directly in contrast to all of the scientific evidence. The results of the autopsy reported today verify the impropriety of Frist's statements.

The Witch Doctor also saw fit to attempt to upend the procedural effectiveness of the United States Senate with his "nuclear option" relative to the filibuster rules. Frist's inability to manage internal affairs of the Senate was made public by an independent non-partisan group of Senators who came up with their own solution to the crisis.

This is also the financial genius who saw his own pool of campaign funds wither away due to his bad investment decisions. The same guy who wants to support the lame-brained "privatization" of Social Security funds so that others can, also, lose money.

Frodo does not have anything personal against the Witch Doctor. Frodo admires his work in "Doctors Without Borders." Frodo notes, however, that Frist has announced that he will not seek re-election to the Senate in 2006. Instead, he plans to run for the Presidency in 2008.

The only event which would strike greater fear into Frodo's heart would be for the Witch Doctor to tell Frodo that he shouldn't worry about that pain in his chest.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:03 PM EDT

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Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Blue Moon, You Saw Me Standing Alone
Mood:

happy
Topic: "The Garden of Good"
There is a long ribbon of highway that leads to the sea. It is a drive that offers little in the way of distraction or interest. Frodo's neighbor in the Shire was making that trek some years ago when he noticed movement near the fence which guards the highway. With little else to occupy his mind, he pulled to the side of the road to investigate. She was, for want of a better word, a mess.

It appeared as if one or more of her legs had been broken at some point in her life, and never directed to proper healing. She was infested with fleas and ticks, filthy dirty, but obviously pleased that someone, anyone, had taken an interest in her travail.

It was the road to the sea, to Savannah, and the perfect name for a weary traveler.

Once cleaned up and introduced to her foundling friends in the Shire, Savannah's life had seemed to take an upward turn. Unfortunately her time in the wild had attracted mosquitos, and heartworms were the next challenge for this beagle dachshund mix. The treatment is very similar to chemotherapy for people, and it takes some real resolve to overcome the side effects. Savannah's wagging tail, and ever-present smile did not fade from the Shire, regardless of the treatments.

One day, Savannah began to drag her hind quarters, and soon she lost all movement in her back legs. Frodo's neighbor, Sancho Proudfoot, was disconsolate, for he knew no way to overcome paralysis in a creature so full of life. Sam knew of a man who practiced acupuncture on creatures, and had heard of much success in the treatment of similar cases. Sancho decided to give it a try, since he had become quite attached to the quick brown dog.

The treatments were somewhat successful, but as her movement returned, it came to muscles which had atrophied during the paralysis. Sancho and Savannah were determined however, and soon a magical cart was outfitted to her hind quarters and Savannah learned to do "wheelies" and to crash through the underbrush in her own "Humvee." The cart worked out well for Sancho Proudfoot, for it seems that it became the ultimate "babe magnet" for young ladies to approach the determined Savannah, and for Sancho to accumulate names, phone numbers, and measurements.

One afternoon Sancho and Frodo were admiring the memorials to Prissy, Gumbo, Punkin, Peeper, and Lovey, while Mick (the Wonder Dog), Fiona, and Savannah were playing "pee on top of everybody else's pee." Sancho said to Frodo, "You know, you will have to help me when the time comes for Savannah." Frodo looked at the misty eyes of his neighbor and told him that digging the final resting place is a cathartic act. "You make it perfect, you do it with every inch of your strength, you tire yourself in her honour."

Savannah still plays "pee on top of everybody else's pee" with Mick and Fiona, although Mick does not come close (Frodo believes the cart may have bumped into a particularly sensitive part of his anatomy by accident). Savannah ages gracefully, but the gray is all about, and she sleeps a little longer each and every day. Fiona peeks in the open windows to encourage her friend to get up and come out and join in the search for squirrels. Savannah joins the entourage about once a week these hot summer days.

Soon that service will be held, and Frodo will be there for his friend Sancho. They will stand at attention, and honor this gallant life. It is sad only in that we will show a level of respect to Savannah that the President of the United States has not given to a single victim of the military actions which he has commanded. Frodo and Sancho, Hobbits though they be, are better men than he.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:38 PM EDT

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Monday, June 13, 2005

He Sends His Pure Sweet Love, On The Wings of a Dove
Mood:

silly
Topic: "Free at Last"
Frodo counted each of the doves, there were 10 of them. One, he supposes, for each of the counts on which Mr. Jackson was found innocent. The lady released one as each verdict on each count was announced. Frodo has always wondered what happens to all those birds.

Doves are fat and slow, sort of like prosecuting attorneys in California must feel. Doves are prime targets for hawks, cats, and hunters using shotguns. Prosecuting attorneys in California are particularly susceptible to anything covered by Court TV, Rush Limbaugh, or any network who puts attorneys on split-screen so that they can shake their head while the other is screaming. If it hadn't been for that nutcase Peterson, one would have to go back to the Gold Rush to find a case where anyone had been successfully prosecuted in California.

Frodo has never heard of "homing doves," so it is unlikely that any of the birds will ever again venture anywhere near the Neverland Ranch. Whether or not another prosecuting attorney comes into the vicinity remains to be seen?

Frodo has decided that the American legal system requires a bit of fine tuning. It is Frodo's suggestion that we appeal the Michael Jackson decision to the Supreme Court of the United States. Imagine, dear reader, Michael Jackson and Clarence Thomas together in the same room. Two former black guys, trying to decide which one is whiter. Is it the paleface or the one who walks like he has a stick up his butt?

There is the very real possibility that somebody might just pop Thomas across the head with an umbrella. Then again, the potential would exist that Mr. Jackson might actually spend a night in jail, with a roommate not of his choosing, bringing a diabolical smile to Frodo's countenance. It is hard for Frodo to accept the fact that Dr. King would have had these two in mind when he marched out of that church in Montgomery toward his rendezvous in Memphis.

Those doves are probably pigeons, painted white.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:54 PM EDT

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Sunday, June 12, 2005

You Can't Start a Fire Without a Spark, This Gun's For Hire
Mood:

chillin'
Topic: "Deja 1958 Over Again"
Frodo walked from the parking area all the way down to the little creek that dissected the field that was Andersonville. He had been there before. Maybe it was just because he had read Bruce Catton's great book when he was only 12 years old, and it had imprinted on his Hobbithood. He doesn't think so. Frodo could not recall any events or faces, he just felt like he had seen the sun rise in that spot, and felt himself cough.

It is much the same this day, but it is in this lifetime that he has seen the cycle of error repeated. Frodo knows that he has been this way before.

Richard Starnes would write that "we should take a brigade of US Marines and straighten out that situation," and Frodo was just young enough to believe that that was all it would take. The President of the United States would demand a response to the "threat" which a gunboat incident somewhere near the South China Sea would provoke. The demands on the economy were such that the unprecedented growth would suddenly became subordinate to the costs of defense. Ambition had soared so high that it could be masked in the paranoia fostered by an unseen but omnipotent enemy. And through it all, middle age had overtaken one generation, "tempered by war," and youth was handing the next generation their signature moment.

There is no light at the end, there is only dancing in the dark. Bruce Springsteen wails to Frodo, same lines, different actors.

"I'm a cool rocking daddy in the USA."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:00 PM EDT

Updated: Monday, June 13, 2005 8:56 PM EDT

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Thursday, June 9, 2005

We Fired Our Guns and the British Kept A'Comin'
Mood:

accident prone
Topic: "Fergit? Hell No!"
Major Robert Rogers (portrayed by Spencer Tracy in "Northwest Passage")has become the subject of a statue erected on Rogers Island in the Hudson River, 40 miles north of Albany. The site was the base camp for "Rogers' Rangers" in the late 1750's when the British and French fought for control of North America. In 1759 the Rangers conducted a raid on an Indian village in Quebec, which inspired James Fenimore Cooper to write the first American novel, "The Last of the Mohicans."
Rogers, himself, subsequently penned a manual on guerilla warfare which is still used as a blueprint for Army Ranger fighting tactics.

Surely, thought Frodo, there could be no objection to Spencer Tracy. How could anyone object to the inspiration for Daniel Day-Lewis as "Hawkeye?" Well little pardners, it just goes to show you, as Roseanne Roseannadanna was fond of saying, "If it ain't one thing, it's another."

Some Veterans groups objected because they felt that unveiling the monument on Memorial Day was insensitive since Rogers remained loyal to England during the Revolutionary War. Bob Bearor, a veteran of the 101st Airborne, stated "I think it is a travesty that we would think about honoring. . .someone who fought against us on that day."

Frodo has considered bearing arms against the British on more than one occasion. His failure to do so he always considered to be an "adult" response, as opposed to the role of a provocateur. Therefore, to appease Mr. Bearor, and his associates, Frodo is today declaring a state of preemptive aggression between the Shire and the British Empire. Prime Minister Blair should be forewarned that he is no longer a desired guest at afternoon tea.

The Shire is announcing an economic boycott of all things British. That includes, well, tea, and uh, well, anything else that comes to mind that the Imperialists export into the Shire. Understand that these sanctions do not extend to teas emanating from any other source and which are used in the preparation of the true Southern delight, "sweet tea."

Frodo believes that Major Rogers would approve of his actions in this matter. Frodo has instructed all of the Hobbits under his control to follow Rule No. 1 of Rogers' manual, which is "Don't forget nothing." It is obvious that Mr. Bearor and his associates also follow the same rule.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:38 PM EDT

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