Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Wednesday, June 8, 2005

Look Down Upon Me Jesus, Ya Gotta Help Me Make a Stand
Mood:

cheeky
Topic: "Eve, It's Oil!"
Two months ago, Zion Oil & Gas Company, began drilling a deep oil well near Kibbutz Maanit in Israel. Frodo has learned that this country, which is just about the same size as New Jersey, produces only about 80 barrels of oil per day. Why, then, would anyone invest millions of dollars into a venture hoping to strike oil in the one area of the Middle East that doesn't seem to have much, if any, oil at all? Reason, dear reader, is that the investors and the oil-driller believe in the Word of God.

According to Mr. John Brown, the book of Genesis quotes Jacob as saying that God will give "blessings of the deep that couches beneath," and that the blessings will be on "the head of Joseph." That is sufficient for Mr. Brown to have raised millions of dollars from American evangelicals to drill his oil well in the spot 25 miles from downtown Tel Aviv. Brown believes his effort will uncover a reservoir of black gold which will help him fulfill his "destiny to help the people of Israel become energy independent."

Skeptical industry analysts have admitted that Brown could strike oil, but he would never find enough to even satisfy Israel's immediate needs.
Frodo has puzzled over the fact that it was an evangelical preacher who influenced Brown, at age 65, on this interpretation of Genesis. Frodo looked at the same words, crawled onto the floor of his living room, peered under the couch, and found almost $3 in small change. Frodo then called his friend Pippin, in New Jersey, and asked him to check the racing charts, and see if there was a horse named something like "Joseph" listed in any of the races at near by tracks. If so, please place a $2 bet on the horse to win.

Frodo and Pippin split a purse of $47.60 on "Joe's Pride" in the third at Aqueduct.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:03 PM EDT

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Monday, June 6, 2005

Time, Time, Time Is On My Side, Yes It Is
Mood:

rushed
Topic: "Untimely Events"
Lewis Carroll taught Frodo that an "Unbirthday" was a celebratory event, far beyond the more conventional "Birthday." Frodo tries to mark every "Unbirthday" with the best product of the Miller Brewing Company, or with something that makes him recall the few Russian words that rhyme with "Stolichnaya." Those few minutes of time are for Frodo, and in consideration of his daily trek to Mount Doom.

A recent spell of very warm weather on the shores of the Thames brought about a very strange event. Big Ben, the landmark London clock renowned for both its' chimes and its' accuracy, stopped ticking for 90 minutes. The 147 year-old clock, for no explainable reason decided that the warmest day in London since 1953 should be marked by a halt in the passage of time.

The conspiracy theorist in Frodo questions the 90 minutes unmarked by history. Perhaps an alien intelligence suspended the mind of man in order to mask some devious plan to assimilate the Citizens of Middle Earth. Is it possible that the Government implemented some new and underhanded effort to "plant" weapons of mass destruction in an Iraqi sewage treatment facility, and they put us all to sleep while they did so?

All we know for sure is that there were 90 minutes for which Londoners have no record. Frodo's belief is that Ann Coulter must have been in London that day. That is, indeed, a face that can stop a clock.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:12 PM EDT

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Sunday, June 5, 2005

Out of the Sun, We'll Be Having Some Fun
Mood:

hug me
Topic: "Sheep in Mindanao?"
In 1945 Yoshio Yamakawa and Tsuzuki Nakauchi were soldiers in the 30th Division of the Imperial Japanese Army, along with 16,000 of their comrades on the Filipino Island of Mindanao. In 2005, the two gentlemen, aged 87 and 85 respectively, are still active in the same division on Mindanao. They have been in hiding, and have never surrendered.

Evidently, several soldiers were separated from their division in 1945, and stayed on for fear that they would be court-martialed if they returned to Japan. A Japanese national, now in the lumber business on Mindanao, reported that he talked with four such individuals last February. They evidently are aware that the War is over, but have been reluctant to go anywhere near the large groups of people waiting to catch a glimpse of them. A representative of Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi is leading a delegation attempting to convince the soldiers that it is time to go home, in peace.

Frodo is unable to resist the obvious. 60 years, without a date? Hmmm? Maybe the surrender will go something like this:

"This is Frodo Baggins-San reporting on behalf of Fashion News Network. The crowd is simply aghast with anticipation here in Mindanao. It is even rumored that Imelda Marcos is somewhere in the throng of celebrities gathered for this first viewing of the happy couple. It should be just any minute that they are escorted into the lobby of the world famous Hilton Luzon for their first public appearance in almost exactly 60 years."

"Wait, here they are now, and look at that, will you? That's Yoshio, isn't it? Oh look, Yoshio is dressed in a form-fitting sarong decorated with magnolias, lotus blossoms, and birds of paradise. The sarong itself is aquamarine with each of the flowers tinted with fuchsia in the calyx area. The shoes, oh they must be gifts from Imelda, are shocking pink patent leather and open-toed."

"Yoshio has maintained a lovely figure, and the thinly braided gray hair has been colored to match those divine brown eyes."

"Oh look, Yoshio is turning to welcome Tsuzuki onto the stage. Oh how wicked, Tsuzuki is wearing a plain leather breechcloth that is airy, to say the least, and I do mean least."

"Tsuzuki has a matching leather head-dress which emphasizes the deep tan which colors his entire body. How absolutely brutish he appears!"

"Let's see if we can hear their first words as translated by my associate here, the former Mayor of Spokane."

"Oh how divine. Thank you, thank you. Well, guess what they said? They want to go to Disney World."

Frodo notes that only 3,000 of their comrades returned home. No matter what the real circumstances may be, Frodo says "Welcome Home, Soldier."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:44 PM EDT

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Saturday, June 4, 2005

Why Don't They Leave Me Alone? This is The Worst Trip I've Ever Been On
Mood:

loud
Topic: "Smokin' Pesticide Dope"
Teflon is not usually in the kit bag of an exterminator, and would probably be useful only to fend off questions should the termites return. Frodo believes that inexperience with Teflon is why House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-Where Else but Texas?) got exorcised over a recent episode of "Law and Order: Criminal Intent."

Frodo reminds the reader of the Terry Schiavo situation, and the resultant comments, inappropriate to be sure, by DeLay. "The time will come for the men responsible for this to answer for their behavior," he said only hours after Ms. Schiavo's body joined her mind. A week later, DeLay apologized for his "inartful" comments.

In the television drama episode, which it should be noted is Sam's favorite show, one of the police officers said, "Maybe we should put out an APB for somebody in a Tom DeLay T-shirt?" Since the episode involved the shooting death of a federal judge, Mr. DeLay evidently felt that the comment was also "inartful." However, in his letter to the head dude at NBC Universal Television, DeLay felt that the comment was actually more of a "slur."

Frodo has been very disappointed with the role taken by television journalism. As Ted Turner has said, they seem more concerned with the "pervert of the day," than that which imperils Middle Earth. Frodo was encouraged by these drama guys at NBC, their top Entertainment guy, Kevin Reilly, defended the show and said that "It's not unusual. . .to mention real names in fictional stories. . ." Creator Dick Wolf added, "I congratulate Congressman DeLay for switching the spotlight from his own problems to an episode of a television show."

Frodo's stomach still quivers when he remembers Archer, Armey, and DeLay sitting side-by-side in the House of Representatives. Larry, Moe, and Curley were never better typecast for posterity. Archer re-wrote the tax laws so that his kids would not have to share his estate with the Citizens of Middle Earth. Armey was a walking, talking advertisement for corporate campaign contributions. DeLay, another "reformed" alcoholic, must have inhaled deeply around some of those pesticides, or else he is too dumb to properly apply Teflon to his political butt.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:53 PM EDT

Updated: Saturday, June 4, 2005 9:58 PM EDT

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Thursday, June 2, 2005

Playin' Since They Babies, Nashville Cats
Mood:

party time!
Topic: "Workin' on Night Moves"
"It's a bunch of bull, I tried to do something special for my son. It didn't harm him. You only turn 16 once," so said Mrs. Anette Pharris, 34, of suburban Nashville at her indictment by a grand jury on charges of contributing to the delinquency of a minor and involving a minor in obscene acts. It seems Mrs. Pharris had arranged a special surprise for little Landon Pharris at his birthday party last September.

About 30 people attended the party, and at least 10 of them were under the age of 18. The group was entertained by the presence of Ms. Cassandra Joyce Park (aka "Sassy"), 29, who danced for several hours before "the guys" took up a collection of $150 to compensate her for her performance in the nude. Sassy also did a special lap dance for the birthday boy.

Frodo notes that the indictments were handed down in this matter approximately nine months after young Landon's rite of passage. It happened that the family took almost three rolls of film in their documentation of this history-making day, but seemingly took their sweet time in dropping the film off at the local CVS to be developed. An alert photographic development assistant at the drug store was "shocked" at what he saw and notified the local gendarmes.

Frodo envisions the following:
"Sheriff, this is Willie Frist over at the CVS."
"Yeah, how're you?"
"Oh they're fine. We're all jes fine."
"Sheriff, I think you better come over here and take a look at what I have here."
"Well, I have some obscenity, right here in River City."

"Well, that sure didn't take ya long to get over here."
"Well Sir, Ms. Pharris brought these here rolls of film over to be developed, and they just filled full of pictures of Sassy Park in the all together."
"Ya see this one here, take a look in the background. Recognize those two?"
"That there's Sassy's husband, and right next to him is her Daddy."
"No I don't suppose you had noticed any of the background in them photos."

Frodo missed very few formative experiences as a teenager, and he is grateful for all the input to his Hobbithood. However, his 16th birthday party was at "Chucky Cheese," and he no longer feels obligated to keep the souvenir balloon.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:01 PM EDT

Updated: Thursday, June 2, 2005 9:04 PM EDT

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Wednesday, June 1, 2005

You Make My Heart Sing, You Make Everything, Groovy
Mood:

d'oh
Topic: "Monkeys in Mississippi"
After nine years, Donald Wildmon, the Pseudo-Reverend who attaches his name to the "American Family Association" (ergo "The White Citizens Council"), has announced the end of the boycott against the Walt Disney Company. Surprisingly, this action corresponds to the departure of Disney CEO Michael Eisner, who just happens to be Jewish. Frodo is sure that there is no relationship between these random events.

The Pseudo-Reverend stated that "Boycotts have been a last resort for us at AFA, and the Disney boycott was started to address. . .the promotion of the homosexual agenda in the culture and media."

"We feel we have made our point. . .so we have decided to focus our resources on more pivotal issues related to the same concerns we had with Disney," was the justification used for declaring that Mickey Mouse is no longer gay.

Concomitantly, the Pseudo-Reverend announced a boycott against Ford Motor Company saying that the automaker has given thousands of dollars to gay rights groups, offers benefits to same-sex couples, and actively recruits gay employees. Ford responded that they provide the same benefits as DaimlerChrysler and General Motors, and that they donated $77.9 Million to a wide variety of charities. $39.6 Million to education alone, and a much smaller portion to community groups.

"Oh yeah," said T. Beauford Lott of Yazoo City, "well we don't plan to buy none of them Tauruses or Fairlanes down heah while they give money to them Saddamites," (Frodo believes he was referring to Sodom, rather than to Saddam). Frodo inquired of Master Lott as to exactly what his plan of action would entail. Master Lott informed Frodo that he would hold a press conference immediately upon his family's return from their summer vacation.

They're going to Disney World. . .in a Jaguar (now a Ford product).

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:46 PM EDT

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Tuesday, May 31, 2005

What a Tale My Thoughts Could Tell, Just Like a Paperback Novel
Mood:

surprised
Topic: "What Mark Felt"
Frodo has been plagued by two questions which he feared would not be resolved even during the extended life of the Hobbit. Is there intelligent life in our Universe? Obviously, we are aware of many places where that is not the case. The Moon and Texas are ready reference points. The other question, the identity of "Deep Throat," has tonight been resolved and confirmed.

Recapturing the spirit of the Watergate scandals, the subsequent cover-up, and the investigation itself is beyond the ability of the scribe. Frodo remembers the televised hearings, and how the entire nation sat entranced evening after evening as the intensity of the testimony, and the seemingly endless disclosures mixed pleasure with tragedy. Frodo remembers John J. Sirica, Sam Ervin, Fred Thompson, Howard Baker, Howell Heflin, and Martha Mitchell, among many others.

Martha Mitchell is the one that Frodo always wanted to meet. When it appeared that her husband, the former Attorney General, and Chairman of the Committee to Re-Elect the President (CREEP), was chosen to fall on his sword to take the blame, she fought back the only way she knew. She attacked those in charge, vehemently, and she defended her husband with emotion. An emotion so charged that everybody just assumed she had gone off the deep end. He was a lucky man to be so loved.

Frodo listened to the tapes again tonight, and he heard Nixon and Haldeman discussing their belief that Mark Felt was the source of Woodward's information. Nixon asked if he were a Catholic, and Frodo was reminded of the venom when Nixon was told that Felt was Jewish.

Frodo made a promise a long time ago, that, someday, he would urinate on that tombstone in Orange County, California. Which means, dear reader, that if you follow the news close enough you will someday see Frodo on the Evening News. May that answer one of your questions.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:37 PM EDT

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Thursday, May 26, 2005

It's a Wild World, It's Hard to Get By Just Upon a Smile
Mood:

bright
Topic: "Who Dat Say Who Dat?"
"Hear Ye, Hear Ye, All those with business before this Court please rise. Judge Frodo Baggins presiding."
"Call the first case Bailiff."
"Yes, your Honour, in the matter of Mr. Vince Neil v. National Broadcasting Company, all involved parties please come forward."
"WHO is representing the plaintiff in this matter?"
"No your Honour, MOTLEY CRUE is representing themselves in this matter."
"I beg your pardon?"
"MOTLEY CRUE, your Honour."
"Young man, I only care WHO?"
"Not WHO, your Honour, MOTLEY CRUE."
"Appearances, young man, have absolutely nothing to do with my judgement about this matter. You are representing yourselves?"
"Yes your Honour."
"WHO?"
"No, MOTLEY CRUE."
"As a part of this MOTLEY CRUE, you are WHO?"
"No your Honour."
"No WHO?"
"That's correct."
"WHO's correct?"
"No, MOTLEY CRUE."
"WHO are you?"
"MOTLEY CRUE."
"Separating yourself from the group of plaintiffs, what is your name?"
"Vince Neil your Honour."
"And the rest of your group is WHO?"
"No sir, your Honour."
"WHO are these young men?"
"MOTLEY CRUE, your Honour. None of them have ever been associated with WHO."
"WHO?"
"Not a one."
"Mr. Neil, this MOTLEY CRUE as you call them, standing before me with you as plaintiffs in this matter, are representing themselves, am I correct?"
"Yes your Honour."
"Mr. Neil could you summarize the nature of the lawsuit filed by this MOTLEY CRUE against NBC?"
"Yes, your honour, we allege that NBC discriminated against us by banning us from any future appearances on their network. It is true that a profane word was used during a live broadcast of "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno," but NBC retaliated against MOTLEY CRUE in a manner inconsistent with similar utterances in the past."
"I see, by WHO?"
"No your Honour."
"No? WHO?"
"Not WHO, BONO."
"BONO? WHO is BONO?"
"No your Honour."
"BONO is not WHO?"
"That is correct."
"WHO is correct?"
"You are, your Honour."
"OK, WHO said the profane word?"
"BONO."
"No, WHO in this MOTLEY CRUE?"
"No your Honour, WHO is not a part of this MOTLEY CRUE."
"Mr. Neil, did you say the profane word?"
"Yes your Honour."
"You and WHO?"
"No your Honour, Me and BONO."
"So, you of this MOTLEY CRUE, and BONO were punished on different levels by the defendant, NBC? Is that correct?"
"It is your Honour."

"Excellent. Now WHO represents the Defendants in this matter?"
"No your Honour. I represent National Broadcasting Company in this matter."
"And you are WHO?"
"No your Honour."
"I assume that you, sir, are not with either MOTLEY CRUE or with BONO? You are representing the Defendant, the National Broadcasting Network?"
"I am."
"You are associated with a law firm?"
"Yes, your Honour."
"May I ask WHO?"
"I'm not familiar with that firm your Honour."
"WHO?"
"I never heard of them."

Frodo will take a brief recess until after the Memorial Day Observance.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:24 PM EDT

Updated: Thursday, May 26, 2005 10:35 PM EDT

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Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Seems the Troubles Are Always Theirs, Doesn't Anybody Know My Name?
Mood:

caffeinated
Topic: "I Inspired You?"
Frodo saw the lady every time. She was older than Frodo, and she looked as if she had recently had a stroke. He respected her privacy and simply proceeded with his business and never said a word to her. As he circled the indoor track, she kept to the inside rail and plodded on step-by-step.

Time after time he passed her as he worked through his exercise regimen. He noticed that she would drift to the right about every third step, and that she would have to compensate with a leftward step to maintain her position. She plodded on, determined, trying to get the body to respond to the plan she had set for it. Frodo passed her, and passed her, and passed her.

Frodo was always pleased to see her when he walked onto the track. Her effort was inspirational. Frodo would be reaching the end of his endurance and he would see her in front of him, drifting right, correcting, plodding on, and Frodo thought, "I can do one more. I can do one more."

One day they were there all alone, and when Frodo reached his stopping point, she was nearby. She looked at Frodo and she said, "You are so beautiful. You run so effortlessly. You are my inspiration. I watch you go by, and I try harder. You help me get better." Frodo is not often without words, but he was that day. He told of the lump in his throat as he realized that these two Hobbits, unknown to each other, were inspiring someone else to do more, to do better, to get well.

Soon thereafter, she comes no more. Frodo looks for her every time, hoping. He never knew her name. Frodo will remember, and not make such a mistake again.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:40 PM EDT

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Monday, May 23, 2005

Bloom and Grow, Forever.
Mood:

lazy
Topic: "This, Too, Shall Pass"
English Plaintain pollen is in the air all around the Shire. This plant, weed, if you will, is like an old movie actor you've seen a hundred times, but never knew his name. Remember Dub Taylor? Johnny Carson had him on the "Tonight" Show many times, simply because everybody remembered seeing him, but nobody had a clue as to he was.

English Plaintain has oval shaped leaves at the base, which parallel the surface of your front lawn. In the middle are one or two upright stalks about three inches tall with fuzzy stuff on the end. It is entirely green. Sound familiar? Frodo can walk around the Shire this very instant and find many examples.

Well, "Forsooth," saith thou, "so what?". Ah anxious ones, be not so concerned about the Witch Doctor and the "nuclear option," for the entrance of pollen from the English Plaintain is the official beginning of the end of the hayfever and allergy season in the Shire. Those nightly readings of particles per million begin to drop from the thousands into the hundreds. There to stay, until Fall.

So let there be rejoicing amongst all the Peoples of Middle Earth. Open your windows, breath in the aromas of Spring, and forget that you even have sinus cavities. There are some things which are, indeed, priceless. English Plaintain, bless my Homeland Forever!

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:54 PM EDT

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