Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Wednesday, June 1, 2005

You Make My Heart Sing, You Make Everything, Groovy
Mood:

d'oh
Topic: "Monkeys in Mississippi"
After nine years, Donald Wildmon, the Pseudo-Reverend who attaches his name to the "American Family Association" (ergo "The White Citizens Council"), has announced the end of the boycott against the Walt Disney Company. Surprisingly, this action corresponds to the departure of Disney CEO Michael Eisner, who just happens to be Jewish. Frodo is sure that there is no relationship between these random events.

The Pseudo-Reverend stated that "Boycotts have been a last resort for us at AFA, and the Disney boycott was started to address. . .the promotion of the homosexual agenda in the culture and media."

"We feel we have made our point. . .so we have decided to focus our resources on more pivotal issues related to the same concerns we had with Disney," was the justification used for declaring that Mickey Mouse is no longer gay.

Concomitantly, the Pseudo-Reverend announced a boycott against Ford Motor Company saying that the automaker has given thousands of dollars to gay rights groups, offers benefits to same-sex couples, and actively recruits gay employees. Ford responded that they provide the same benefits as DaimlerChrysler and General Motors, and that they donated $77.9 Million to a wide variety of charities. $39.6 Million to education alone, and a much smaller portion to community groups.

"Oh yeah," said T. Beauford Lott of Yazoo City, "well we don't plan to buy none of them Tauruses or Fairlanes down heah while they give money to them Saddamites," (Frodo believes he was referring to Sodom, rather than to Saddam). Frodo inquired of Master Lott as to exactly what his plan of action would entail. Master Lott informed Frodo that he would hold a press conference immediately upon his family's return from their summer vacation.

They're going to Disney World. . .in a Jaguar (now a Ford product).

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:46 PM EDT

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Tuesday, May 31, 2005

What a Tale My Thoughts Could Tell, Just Like a Paperback Novel
Mood:

surprised
Topic: "What Mark Felt"
Frodo has been plagued by two questions which he feared would not be resolved even during the extended life of the Hobbit. Is there intelligent life in our Universe? Obviously, we are aware of many places where that is not the case. The Moon and Texas are ready reference points. The other question, the identity of "Deep Throat," has tonight been resolved and confirmed.

Recapturing the spirit of the Watergate scandals, the subsequent cover-up, and the investigation itself is beyond the ability of the scribe. Frodo remembers the televised hearings, and how the entire nation sat entranced evening after evening as the intensity of the testimony, and the seemingly endless disclosures mixed pleasure with tragedy. Frodo remembers John J. Sirica, Sam Ervin, Fred Thompson, Howard Baker, Howell Heflin, and Martha Mitchell, among many others.

Martha Mitchell is the one that Frodo always wanted to meet. When it appeared that her husband, the former Attorney General, and Chairman of the Committee to Re-Elect the President (CREEP), was chosen to fall on his sword to take the blame, she fought back the only way she knew. She attacked those in charge, vehemently, and she defended her husband with emotion. An emotion so charged that everybody just assumed she had gone off the deep end. He was a lucky man to be so loved.

Frodo listened to the tapes again tonight, and he heard Nixon and Haldeman discussing their belief that Mark Felt was the source of Woodward's information. Nixon asked if he were a Catholic, and Frodo was reminded of the venom when Nixon was told that Felt was Jewish.

Frodo made a promise a long time ago, that, someday, he would urinate on that tombstone in Orange County, California. Which means, dear reader, that if you follow the news close enough you will someday see Frodo on the Evening News. May that answer one of your questions.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:37 PM EDT

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Thursday, May 26, 2005

It's a Wild World, It's Hard to Get By Just Upon a Smile
Mood:

bright
Topic: "Who Dat Say Who Dat?"
"Hear Ye, Hear Ye, All those with business before this Court please rise. Judge Frodo Baggins presiding."
"Call the first case Bailiff."
"Yes, your Honour, in the matter of Mr. Vince Neil v. National Broadcasting Company, all involved parties please come forward."
"WHO is representing the plaintiff in this matter?"
"No your Honour, MOTLEY CRUE is representing themselves in this matter."
"I beg your pardon?"
"MOTLEY CRUE, your Honour."
"Young man, I only care WHO?"
"Not WHO, your Honour, MOTLEY CRUE."
"Appearances, young man, have absolutely nothing to do with my judgement about this matter. You are representing yourselves?"
"Yes your Honour."
"WHO?"
"No, MOTLEY CRUE."
"As a part of this MOTLEY CRUE, you are WHO?"
"No your Honour."
"No WHO?"
"That's correct."
"WHO's correct?"
"No, MOTLEY CRUE."
"WHO are you?"
"MOTLEY CRUE."
"Separating yourself from the group of plaintiffs, what is your name?"
"Vince Neil your Honour."
"And the rest of your group is WHO?"
"No sir, your Honour."
"WHO are these young men?"
"MOTLEY CRUE, your Honour. None of them have ever been associated with WHO."
"WHO?"
"Not a one."
"Mr. Neil, this MOTLEY CRUE as you call them, standing before me with you as plaintiffs in this matter, are representing themselves, am I correct?"
"Yes your Honour."
"Mr. Neil could you summarize the nature of the lawsuit filed by this MOTLEY CRUE against NBC?"
"Yes, your honour, we allege that NBC discriminated against us by banning us from any future appearances on their network. It is true that a profane word was used during a live broadcast of "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno," but NBC retaliated against MOTLEY CRUE in a manner inconsistent with similar utterances in the past."
"I see, by WHO?"
"No your Honour."
"No? WHO?"
"Not WHO, BONO."
"BONO? WHO is BONO?"
"No your Honour."
"BONO is not WHO?"
"That is correct."
"WHO is correct?"
"You are, your Honour."
"OK, WHO said the profane word?"
"BONO."
"No, WHO in this MOTLEY CRUE?"
"No your Honour, WHO is not a part of this MOTLEY CRUE."
"Mr. Neil, did you say the profane word?"
"Yes your Honour."
"You and WHO?"
"No your Honour, Me and BONO."
"So, you of this MOTLEY CRUE, and BONO were punished on different levels by the defendant, NBC? Is that correct?"
"It is your Honour."

"Excellent. Now WHO represents the Defendants in this matter?"
"No your Honour. I represent National Broadcasting Company in this matter."
"And you are WHO?"
"No your Honour."
"I assume that you, sir, are not with either MOTLEY CRUE or with BONO? You are representing the Defendant, the National Broadcasting Network?"
"I am."
"You are associated with a law firm?"
"Yes, your Honour."
"May I ask WHO?"
"I'm not familiar with that firm your Honour."
"WHO?"
"I never heard of them."

Frodo will take a brief recess until after the Memorial Day Observance.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:24 PM EDT

Updated: Thursday, May 26, 2005 10:35 PM EDT

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Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Seems the Troubles Are Always Theirs, Doesn't Anybody Know My Name?
Mood:

caffeinated
Topic: "I Inspired You?"
Frodo saw the lady every time. She was older than Frodo, and she looked as if she had recently had a stroke. He respected her privacy and simply proceeded with his business and never said a word to her. As he circled the indoor track, she kept to the inside rail and plodded on step-by-step.

Time after time he passed her as he worked through his exercise regimen. He noticed that she would drift to the right about every third step, and that she would have to compensate with a leftward step to maintain her position. She plodded on, determined, trying to get the body to respond to the plan she had set for it. Frodo passed her, and passed her, and passed her.

Frodo was always pleased to see her when he walked onto the track. Her effort was inspirational. Frodo would be reaching the end of his endurance and he would see her in front of him, drifting right, correcting, plodding on, and Frodo thought, "I can do one more. I can do one more."

One day they were there all alone, and when Frodo reached his stopping point, she was nearby. She looked at Frodo and she said, "You are so beautiful. You run so effortlessly. You are my inspiration. I watch you go by, and I try harder. You help me get better." Frodo is not often without words, but he was that day. He told of the lump in his throat as he realized that these two Hobbits, unknown to each other, were inspiring someone else to do more, to do better, to get well.

Soon thereafter, she comes no more. Frodo looks for her every time, hoping. He never knew her name. Frodo will remember, and not make such a mistake again.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:40 PM EDT

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Monday, May 23, 2005

Bloom and Grow, Forever.
Mood:

lazy
Topic: "This, Too, Shall Pass"
English Plaintain pollen is in the air all around the Shire. This plant, weed, if you will, is like an old movie actor you've seen a hundred times, but never knew his name. Remember Dub Taylor? Johnny Carson had him on the "Tonight" Show many times, simply because everybody remembered seeing him, but nobody had a clue as to he was.

English Plaintain has oval shaped leaves at the base, which parallel the surface of your front lawn. In the middle are one or two upright stalks about three inches tall with fuzzy stuff on the end. It is entirely green. Sound familiar? Frodo can walk around the Shire this very instant and find many examples.

Well, "Forsooth," saith thou, "so what?". Ah anxious ones, be not so concerned about the Witch Doctor and the "nuclear option," for the entrance of pollen from the English Plaintain is the official beginning of the end of the hayfever and allergy season in the Shire. Those nightly readings of particles per million begin to drop from the thousands into the hundreds. There to stay, until Fall.

So let there be rejoicing amongst all the Peoples of Middle Earth. Open your windows, breath in the aromas of Spring, and forget that you even have sinus cavities. There are some things which are, indeed, priceless. English Plaintain, bless my Homeland Forever!

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:54 PM EDT

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Sunday, May 22, 2005

Ahab the Arab, Sheik of the Burning Sand
Mood:

crushed out
Topic: "Classified Ads are Cool"
Imagine that you are a young Southern woman from someplace called Louisville Alabama; that you find yourself at the end of a failed marriage, out of work, and hanging out in Jacksonville, Florida. Add in the fact that you have very long blonde hair, and that your dimensions are somewhat akin to Dolly Parton. What would you do if you read a classified ad for a position in your field in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, and the year was 1978? Honey, in six weeks you have a visa, and you are doing Medical Transcription in the Royal Hospital.

Frodo has just described Jean Sasson, author of "Princess: A True Story of Life Behind the Veil in Saudi Arabia," and "Mayada, Daughter of Iraq."

Frodo has read the first of the books cited above, and has his autographed copy of the second beside him as he writes. The very dynamic author chronicles what life has been like for an extremely assertive American woman living and working in a feudalistic male-dominated society. Seriously, imagine Dolly Parton living in Saudi society for more than a dozen years, and you can imagine what Ms. Sasson experienced.

There were gifts of floral arrangements with diamonds as the calyx of the flower. If she would merely agree to have tea with some dude who already had a wife or two, the diamonds were hers.

There were men who threatened to take their lives because they found themselves dreaming about a woman, presumably the knee-length blonde hair was more than the Koran would allow.

But the stories are not all about the men who seem so alien and barbaric to those of us, including George W. Bush, who have no clue about that society. The women, the married ones, are sex machines for their husbands, doing anything to curry favor, and to retain their position as the ONLY wife. The women are usually aghast at the status of American women, who are not protected their whole lives, and who have to "prostitute" themselves to get a husband, or to obtain power in society.

Frodo listened to the words of First Lady Laura Bush this past weekend as she toured three countries in the Middle East. It was clear that she had not read any of Jean Sasson's books. They were probably still waiting to be classified under the Dewey Decimal System in Crawford.

Jean Sasson writes about women, not about policy. Frodo was pleased to have made her acquaintance, and the lengthy discussion we had. It is two-and-one-half hours from Louisville to Monroeville, Alabama. Given the writers from those two little towns, there must be something in the water.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:46 PM EDT

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Friday, May 20, 2005

What Kind of Fool, Do You, Think I Am?
Mood:

smelly
Topic: "Pants on Fire"
The little weenie, Ralph Reed, now states that the money did come from the CHOCTAWS, however, through his spokesperson, he states it did not come from their casino gambling revenues. And how, pray tell, does he know? Because they told him so.

Now, let's point out that these are the people, whom his business associate, Mr. Abramoff referred to as "morons" and "troglodytes." Let's also recognize that the CHOCTAWS compete with the TIGUAS for the sale of little rubber tomahawks to tourists. We all know that there is big money in little rubber tomahawks. Frodo is doubtful, unlike Sadie Fields of the Christian Coalition in Georgia, who said, "As far as I know. . .I have no reason to doubt him." Sadie, you have just proved that you are unable to distinguish the difference between a pothole and your butt.

Reverend Tom Grey, Executive Director of the National Coalition Against Legalized Gambling stated "No one in the anti-gambling fight would accept that there's a distinction." Grey's group received $300,000 from the CHOCTAWS through Grover Norquist in 1999, and then paid $271,000 of it to Reeds's consulting firm.

Why does Frodo keep hearing the words, "I did not have sex with that woman, Miss Lewinsky?"

Appropriate officials should convene a Grand Jury now. If this is serious enough for this little buzzard to be caught in a direct lie by his own clients, then there are more than character issues at stake.

Frodo looks forward to the day when one of Rupert Murdock's newspapers publishes pictures of Ralph Reed in his underwear washing his socks.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:08 PM EDT

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Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Lord I Can't Go Back There
Mood:

on fire
Topic: "Follow the Money"
Frodo will tonight attempt the greatest feat of magic ever presented in writing. In a few short paragraphs he will attempt to hold your attention while clearly and succinctly describing how a prominent political figure laundered money. Listen my children, and you shall read of the chicanery of Ralph Reed.

Between 1999 and 2002, Ralph Reed (through his business) was paid $4.2 Million to encourage the closure of the TIGUA Tribal Casino in El Paso, Texas. The Casino closed in 2002. In 2002, the attorneys who brought Reed into the deal approached the TIGUA tribe to reopen their closed casino, and their proposed fee was $4 Million.

The $4.2 Million deal included $1.15 Million which was paid to Reed for the specific purpose of helping to defeat the Lottery proposed for the State of Alabama in 1999. The $1.15 Million was originally received from an organization called the Americans for Tax Reform (Grover Norquist, in other words). Norquist received the money as a contribution from the CHOCTAW Tribal Casino of Mississippi. Norquist contributed the money directly to the Alabama Anti-Lottery Organization. The Alabama Anti-Lottery Organization turned right around and sent the money to their consultant, Ralph Reed.

Very briefly, Ralph Reed received money from one group of Indians, the CHOCTAWS, in order to help put their competition, the TIGUAS, out of business.

Reed has denied knowing that any money came from "gaming interests." In fact, he assured his client, the Alabama Anti-Lottery Organization, that no money from other gambling interests was involved.
The result is that there is no Lottery in Alabama, the Texas Casino was closed, and the CHOCTAWS control almost all of the gambling in a huge geographical portion of America.

The attorney who arranged all of this has been Reed's friend, business partner, and contributor for more than 20 years. His name is Jack Abramoff.

Does anyone feel like a shower?

Ralph Reed has announced his candidacy for the position of Lieutenant Governor, State of Georgia, as a Republican.

Does anyone else wish that Elliot Ness was still around?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:23 PM EDT

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Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Exchanging Glances, Things Turned Out All Right
Mood:

chatty
Topic: "I'll Take a Vowel"
Frodo and Sam found Prissy in the North Farthing Animal Shelter. She was on "death row," and sat apart from all the other dogs, as if she had become resigned to her fate. Part dachshund, and part beagle, she was relatively small, short-haired, and certainly no threat to any of the neighbors in the treehouse complex. After she was spayed, the name followed quickly for the character in GONE WITH THE WIND whose most famous line was "I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies, Miss Scarlett."

Oprah Winfrey appeared on local TV as a newscaster, and Pat Sajak was the weatherman on the NBC affiliate. In fact, Pat Sajak lived in the same treehouse complex as Frodo and Sam, and therein lies our tale for this evening, or should that be tail?

Prissy was perfectly adapted for treehouse living, but when Frodo returned from his daily trek to Mount Doom, it was time to cut loose in the parking lot for a countless number of unrestrained figure eights, and a game or two of chase the pet into the woods and out again. It was generally about this time of day that the TV weatherman would emerge from his limb of the treehouse, in preparation for his sojourn to Mount Doom. Prissy soon found an open door an open invitation to visit this heretofore unknown Hobbit.

Frodo's neighbor got to know Prissy on a first name basis. This gentle Hobbit knew where she lived, had learned to recognize Frodo on sight, but the Hobbits never even exchanged names.

When Frodo and Sam found their way to the Shire, Prissy had reached the stage where figure eights and chase the pet into the woods and out again had become historical events. Her favorite activity was visiting Katie and Jenny next door to see if she could sneak inside and eat the platefuls of food left for Charley, the feline philanderer.
One afternoon, Frodo, returning once again from Mount Doom, was summoned next door to retrieve the ancient one from Katie and Jenny's living room. There the three of them sat, side-by-side watching WHEEL OF FORTUNE, which unbeknownst to Frodo was Katie and Jenny's favorite show. Prissy, it seemed, was watching the screen intently, as if she were trying to guess the unidentified, partially-spelled word. At least, that is the way it appeared.

Frodo told Katie and Jenny about Prissy's acquaintance with the star of their favorite show, and they were duly impressed. For many days thereafter the three friends would gather together, when their Mothers were not paying attention, to expand their vocabularies as Vanna spun the wheel, and Pat played Host.

When finally Frodo and Sam had to prepare a final and permanent home in the Shire for Prissy, Katie and Jenny must have been watching from a window in their house next door. When the Service was completed, Frodo completed a tasteful monument to mark the days of her life, and he retreated to a lost evening.

The return from Mount Doom that next day was particularly ominous. To visit a monument to such a gallant heart hardly seemed fitting activity at that time of day. As Frodo neared the monument, Sam in hand, he noticed the hand-drawn and colored cards. They read, "Good Bye Prissy. We Miss You and We Love You. Katie and Jenny P.S. We Will Think of You Every Time They Spin the Wheel."

Frodo thinks every card should have a P.S.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:30 PM EDT

Updated: Tuesday, May 17, 2005 9:35 PM EDT

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Monday, May 16, 2005

You Probably Think This Song is About You
Mood:

smelly
Topic: "AM Radio Next?"
CNBC has announced, albeit very quietly, the cancellation of the "Dennis Miller Show." From its' peak viewership of approximately 168,000 close friends and relatives, the current figure of approximately 114,000 was too much for even little-watched CNBC to tolerate. For scope purposes, there are soccer matches which have greater physical attendance than the sum total of all viewers that Mr. Miller was able to obtain.

Frodo has taken note of the backward career of the former "Saturday Night Live" replacement for Chevy Chase on "Weekend Update." After Mr. Miller took over, the segment soon disappeared. From there Mr. Miller made his first foray into Pay-TV when he began to appear on HBO with "Dennis Miller Live." This high point in his career actually proved that Miller had a pulse. Given that assurance, he was able to convince the right-wing nutbag Al Michaels that he would be an addition to "Monday Night Football."

Dennis Miller was a bumbling, stumbling, mumbling incomprehensible drone. His attempts at humor were hidden behind a facade of shots of "the guys in the booth," that made even die-hard Cowboy fans retch. Rather than watch the end of Professional Football on TV, Miller was soon relegated to his own prime-time program which was billed as a mixture of comedy, interviews, and Miller's own conservative political opinion. Given notice of the pending cancellation, Miller asked that he "leave the show immediately."

Frodo believes that even right-wing conservative radio blowhards have some sense for business. Who in their right mind would hire a guy who has been replaced by reruns of "Mad Money With Jim Cramer?"
Dennis Miller will probably hold a press conference to announce that he is organizing a committee to support his candidacy for the former Senate seat of Zell Miller. He probably thinks that no one will notice a change. It will be the first thing he's gotten right.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:46 PM EDT

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