Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Wednesday, March 1, 2006

So Much Fun to Put in Your Tummy
Mood:

hungry
Topic: "Kandy Kakes 2"
"Tastykake products are made to taste great. If not satisfied, full refund guaranteed with proof of purchase, code, and reason for dissatisfaction."---The Tastykake Guarantee (www.tastykake.com)

Frodo has many faults, not least of which is an insatiable appreciation for something that really tastes good. How, then, could he not have an affinity for a company that guarantees great taste to Frodo? Having sampled literally everything manufactured by this Philadelphia-based company, scientifically of course, Frodo's absolute favorite is the PEANUT BUTTER KANDY KAKES. They are described as "Milk Chocolate Coated Cakes with Peanut Butter Filling," but that is insufficient definition when it comes to something that should be served at any of the finest dining establishments.

Sam has known of Frodo's penchant for Kandy Kakes these many years. Whenever Sam notices Frodo's challenges weighing him down, a box with 24 of these precious creations magically appears within the confines of the Shire. Savoring the taste of fluffy cake smothered with chocolate and peanut butter, each nibble is allowed to slowly slosh its' way over the tongue and gently caress the palate. Frodo believes that if there are no Kandy Kakes in Heaven, then he ain't goin'.

Imagine, dear reader, if the Republican Party had issued something like the Tastykake Guarantee?

George W. Bush would be in Crawford pulling on his chainsaw. Dick Cheney would be in Wyoming shooting attorneys. Condi Rice would be a groupie outside the locker room of the San Francisco 49'ers. Karl Rove would be spamming e-mails on behalf of some uncle of an ousted general in Nigeria. Donald Rumsfeld would be beating the hell out of his grandchildren.

America needs more Tastykakes, and so does Frodo.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:36 PM EST

Updated: Wednesday, March 1, 2006 8:41 PM EST

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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Just About a Year Ago I Set Out on The Road
Mood:

celebratory
Topic: "Happy Mardi Gras"(2)
Today is Fat Tuesday. Today is also the first publication anniversary for "Frodo, Keeper of the Ring." Frodo is very proud of the 215 entries which adorn the left-hand column in alphabetical order, and he is very grateful that some very good, and forever unseen friends encouraged him to begin this journey. It is, indeed, appropriate that a vagabond should embark on a journey without a destination in sight.

Frodo has received many comments, and some came from other parts of our small blue planet. People laughed about the study of sexual organs on male fish, and many cried as they stood with Frodo at the funeral of Pvt. Jesus Fonseca. The administrator of a small English town attacked his parody of the male populace who were forsaken by their spouses for a week to satisy a BBC reality TV show. Some readers told Frodo that they were as frightened when he recounted the van almost sliding off the mountain into the jungle on Dominica. One special person told Frodo that his hike in the land of the Cherokee reminded her of how much she missed those mountains. Many feigned disbelief reading about the rabbit in Bilbo's car.

Several special friends have told Frodo not to let up on the needs of the people of Orleans. In a place where the full brunt of creative effort goes into the celebrations of life and death, there is a continuing need to rekindle the human spirit. Frodo has promised that when he does return that he and Sam will "mainline" with the Wild Tchoupitoulas and DeJuan's Marchers in tribute to those lost to the flood.

Throughout, Frodo hammers at the incompetence and the residual evil of Sauron. With only the administration of Herbert Hoover for comparison, the Presidency of George W. Bush has done even greater harm to our nation. Frodo, with or without support, will continue to do everything in his power to wrest the ring from the control of this Incomparable Moron.

There is a professor who sometimes reads these lines, and Frodo writes for him. This man from a foreign land taught Frodo what it meant to live in the Shire. Frodo will never forget Gandalf.

There is a lady who fights a continual battle against a killer disease, and whose courage and grace inspire Frodo every single day. Frodo writes for Galadriel.

There is a journalist who shares Frodo's love for his homeland, who now hears what she cannot see. She will receive a signed copy of today's words to place next to her Pulitzer. Frodo writes for Merry.

There are all those who share in the Fellowship, who are a part of the stories which Frodo leaves behind. Boromir, Legolas, Tom Bombadil, Pippin, and Bilbo are very much a part of Frodo.

There are special places and moments and creatures that share our small blue planet, which we sometimes forget about. Frodo tries to use his words in their stead.

All our topics will now bear the number (2), and our titles will continue with words from the art form that above all others chronicles these years.

Sam and Frodo continue their journey, and greatly enjoy the company.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:01 PM EST

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Monday, February 27, 2006

Come On And Sing A-Long, All Night Long
Mood:

smelly
Topic: "Teflon Causes Cancer"
Frodo has been watching polling data for several days. There is something very unusual and noteworthy in survey after survey reporting consistent figures. In this instance, opposition to the contractual management of US ports by a government-owned entity from the UAE has not dropped below 70%, and has been measured as high as 89%. It makes Frodo remember his days as a Lou Harris pollster.

Frodo was in graduate school, and was the recipient of a fellowship designed to increase public knowledge about the electoral process in the Shire. Prior to the Presidential Election in that year, the Lou Harris people approached the University (made out of ticky-tacky) and asked them if Frodo could be used as a Lou Harris pollster. Frodo agreed to the request, was issued an official Lou Harris identification card, and given a brief instruction on how the survey was to be conducted.

On two different days Frodo was dispatched to two different communities within the Shire. In the first community Frodo was instructed to find two willing respondents from any residence within a three-block grid. It took Frodo an entire day to find two willing participants, since the survey took over two hours to complete. The survey consisted of cards, numbered on the back, with statements about one of the Presidential candidates on the front. The respondent would silently read the statement and place it face down on a board with boxes ranging from "Agree Strongly" to "Disagree Strongly." Frodo would record the number on the back of each card in each box.

In the second community, which was very different from the first, Frodo was instructed to survey a household located on a corner lot, and a household in which at least one person was gainfully employed. In both instances the cards had conflicting statements. One might say, for example, "George W. Bush is a crook," and another might read "George W. Bush is not a crook" (it should be noted at this point that no one says that all of the statements are correct). The depth of sincerity by the participant would be reflected by the consistency of the responses.

Frodo always enjoyed being able to respond to people who railed against polls in subsequent times. Seeing the downcast look of someone who said "Nobody I know has ever been polled" in Frodo's presence was worth an admission price. Hearing Frodo explain how the respondents were chosen, and the detailing of the depth of the interview spiced up many a cocktail gathering.

The consistency of response, as mentioned above, is what has caught Frodo's attention in the current Bush SNAFU. The Citizens of Middle Earth have heard about the threats. The Citizens of Middle Earth have heard about the obvious flaws in security. The Citizens of Middle Earth have voted to support candidates who emphasized security above all else. The Citizens of Middle Earth have put all their cards in the same box, and it reads "Disagree Strongly."

The Teflon has worn thin on George W. Bush, and it may have exposed his fatal flaw. His inattentiveness to the issue, the haste of his response, and the misguided belief in his ability to persuade, may finally have caught up to Sauron.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:36 PM EST

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Saturday, February 25, 2006

I Didn't Know Too Much
Mood:

irritated
Topic: "Man of the Century"
TIME Magazine named Franklin Delano Roosevelt as the most important person in the 20th Century. Frodo considered that possibility before the announcement, and he has contemplated it ever since. Elvis Presley, Adolf Hitler, Jonas Salk, Albert Einstein, Martin Luther King, Mao Tse-Tung, Neil Armstrong, Ernest Hemingway, Henry Ford, Wilbur/Orville Wright, Christian Barnaard, Winston Churchill, Nikolai Lenin, Luciano Pavarotti, Laurence Olivier, J.R.R. Tolkien and countless others addressed the challenges before them and became dominant in the minds of other men, and one Hobbit. Singling out any one individual would certainly seem to be a value judgment, and enough to start a fight in almost any bar.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt may, however, be a standard beyond comparison for that honor. Serving longer in office as President of one of the most powerful countries on Earth (at that time) than any who came before, he guided the world through a cataclysmic world war, and the deepest economic depression in modern times. He was an accomplished and forceful speaker, an able politician, and he was paralyzed by polio. Bilbo lived through these times and has often told Frodo that without the support that "FDR" mustered for those hit hardest by the depression, many would have died, including Bilbo. He was obviously an extraordinary human being.

Frodo has journeyed on several occasions to "The Little White House" in the community of Warm Springs, Georgia. Roosevelt came to this small retreat several times during his Presidency. The bubbling spa was especially soothing to a body wracked by his painful affliction. To walk the grounds is to understand why any one under such pain and stress would welcome the respite of such a town. To visit Warm Springs is to know the Shire.

This discussion is timely because of recent events in the Georgia State Legislature. Rather benignly, a State Representative, a Democrat from the Warm Springs area, entered a bill to create an "FDR Appreciation Day" in the State of Georgia. It did not seek the status of an official holiday, but it did seek to document the fact that so great a leader did spend a good deal of time in the State, and that the people he visited took note of his affection. Strangely enough, however, that did not sit well with another State Representative, a Republican from the community of Canton, some 100 miles to the north of Warm Springs. This gentleman objected to the bill, thence stopping its' enactment under rules of the Georgia House. It seems that the gentleman felt it was inappropriate for the State to so recognize an individual who had conducted an extra-marital affair. It was common knowledge, he asserted, that Roosevelt had had sex with his wife's personal secretary.

In subsequent days there have been many pieces of correspondence and commentary in support of the denial of "FDR Appreciation Day." One writer argued that FDR had taken the nation to the brink of socialism, and was therefore a greater threat to freedom than to its' maintenance. Another felt that if it was such a worthwhile suggestion, then why didn't the proposal come forth while the Democrats ran the State.

Frodo is rather pleased that this matter has gotten so little attention in other parts of the world. This is the kind of thing that he would expect to hear from the State Legislature in South Dakota. Better that the world consider them to be Neanderthals. Given what we now know, the world would be correct.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:35 PM EST

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Thursday, February 23, 2006

It's Only Words, And Words
Mood:

d'oh
Topic: "Bring the Bowl"
Somewhere in the depths of the White House a meeting was held today, and the subject was words. Two words to be specific; those words are "Civil" and "War." It has been determined that those words should not be used in any form of communication describing the situation as it exists in the geographical boundaries drawn and presented as "Iraq." It remains the official position of the US of A that an Iraqi national government will emerge from the "process," and that the violence will become subordinated to the cause of freedom.

Frodo learned a lesson a long time ago. That lesson came in response to a test given to all the Hobbits of the Shire on the first day of class. The essay question was, simply, "Is There an American Civilization?" Frodo remembers the shocked look on the faces of his fellow Hobbits as they all struggled with the idea of a test on the first day of class. The shock gave way to panic because there was no point of reference in which to respond to such an open-ended question.

The weeks that followed in those classes were all geared to answering that question, and it was made clear that the same question would be asked on the test given at the end of the term. Frodo learned that every "Civilization" is composed of "institutions," which distinguish it from all other "Civilizations." The "institutions" can be military, they can be religious, they can be cultural, and so on, and they reflect how people band together in order to co-exist.

The military was a dominant "institution" in the Soviet Union. When the military failed to maintain the orderly process of government, Communism as a political system fell. The political "institution" was not strong enough to stand, especially without a religious "institution" to support it. The Communists had sown the seeds of their own demise by suppressing religion as an integral part of Soviet society.

The flaw in the planning of the Neo-Cons and Sauron was that they ignored the above lessons. They felt that by destroying the political "institution" of Saddam Hussein, and by the subsequent dismemberment of the "military" institution, that a desire for freedom would take hold and grow. They underestimated the strength of the religious "institution," which, especially now, dominates the divisions between peoples, and fills the vacuum created by the elimination of political processes.

Frodo imagines being a "fly on the wall," when a group of befuddled social neophytes decide that if we don't call it a "War," then it won't be. Today may not be the beginning of the collapse of order in that part of Mesopotamia, but it is damn close. All those people dead, all that wealth wasted on guns and bullets, and the result is something we can't even call a "Civil" "War."

Frodo understands how Pontius Pilate must have felt.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:37 PM EST

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Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Do a Little Dance, Make a Little Love, Get Down Tonight
Mood:

loud
Topic: "Poll Results Just In"
Frodo always considered himself to be an observer. In recent days however, it seems as if he has almost become prescient. Frodo knew that, at some point, poll results would reflect an approval rating for the performance of George W. Bush as President which would be lower than the number of fingers and toes on his hands and feet. In fact, it may be that on the issue of foreign ownership in the management of US ports-of-entry that George W. Bush may not have any support at all.

"Mrs. Bush," said Frodo, "I would like to express my appreciation to you for granting me this interview. You are aware that I am one of the greatest threats to your husband's throne, and that I am sworn to destroy the ring before he establishes the Kingdom of Mordor throughout all of Middle Earth."

"No, and frankly, I've never heard of you. I thought this was an interview supporting the President's 'No Child Left Behind.'"

"Well, actually, what we said on the telephone is that we would like to kick the President's behind."

"No matter, the President and I are very aware of the need to hear the opinions of those who disagree with the wishes of the American people."

"Mrs. Bush, the odd thing here is that you and the President appear to be the only people who think it is a good idea for a government-controlled company from the United Arab Emirates to manage the major ports of the East and Gulf Coasts?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"What I mean is is that virtually everybody, except maybe the slow-witted Senator McCain, has denounced the approval by the Government Foreign Investment Board of the proposed transaction. Your husband's threat to veto Congressional nullification might be over-ridden in minutes."

"Well, I never. . ."

"Of course you have, when he nominated Harriet Miers, or when he decided he was going to rape Social Security, even his own supporters stood up and told him 'No.'"

"No, what you don't understand is that. . ."

"Mrs. Bush, no one admires your steadfast support for your husband more than Frodo, but you have to be the only person in America who would even entertain his plea of 'Trust Me' this time around."

"I refuse to believe that anyone would believe that."

"Mrs. Bush, is your husband drinking again? Have you had to tell him, again, that it is 'Jim Beam or Me'?"

"Mr. Frito, or whatever your name is, would you hold off one minute and let me just say that I, too, feel this is the dumbest damn thing the President has done since he talked about returning to the Moon, or exploring Mars, or whatever. . ."

"Then, if you'll pardon my surprise, just who is it that is advising him that this is a righteous course of action if even you are opposed to the idea?," queried Frodo.

"Well, I can't say for sure, but I did see Ahmed Chalabi on his way into the Oval Office."

"Chalabi! Good heavens, just the two of them?"

"Actually, there were several others there, too. I saw George Tenet, Paul Wolfowitz, the Commissioner of Major League Baseball, the Prime Minister of Denmark, Congresswoman Schmidthead from Ohio, Iranian President Ahmadinejad, Ralph Reed, and Bruce Willis."

"So these were the people who advised the President to approve this deal?"

"As I said earlier, Mr. Frito, the President listens to the American people."

"Mrs. Bush, thank you for your patience with me. Is there something I can do for you?"

"Yes, Mr. Frito, would you hand me that copy of 'My Pet Goat'? It is time for the President's nap."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:47 PM EST

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Sunday, February 19, 2006

They Said to My Shock, You're on The Wrong Block
Mood:

chillin'
Topic: "It's Just a Movie"
In the time before the assaults of September 11th, 2001, Frodo, as he does now, read a lot of books. Some of the subject matter merits his time and some are merely "beach books." Frodo justifies everything from Robin Cook to John Grisham as part of his appreciation for creativity. Frodo has thought often about a nameless paperback he read which encompassed a military assault on Washington, DC, and the eerie feeling he has had about the similarities of that story to the plane which struck the Pentagon on that tumultuous day.

On a cold and overcast day, Frodo spent part of his afternoon tuned into the History Channel. A movie entitled "The Siege," produced in 1998, starring Denzel Washington, Annette Benning, Tony Shaloub, and the disgusting Bruce Willis, was on the schedule. Frodo recalled having seen about 15 minutes of the movie at some point in time, but was fascinated by its' presentation on the History Channel.

The movie refers to the bombing in Oklahoma City, and the background in New York City prominently displayed the "Twin Towers." The setting and the time-frame make the resultant references to suicide bombings (including "One Federal Plaza" in NYC), torture of a Muslim Imam by the CIA and Military Intelligence, the detention of multitudes of Arabic-appearing individuals without charge, and the suspension of civil liberties almost, well, bizarre.

During commercial breaks the very poor replacement for Sander Vanocur questioned some Professor from Purdue, of all places, about the movie, and its' relationship to what actually followed. His comments added to Frodo's fascination by pointing out how well the CIA and the FBI worked together in this fantasy, and how there were actually no villains in the film. Even the Terrorists, who were Palestinian (since even Hollywood had no idea who al Qaeda was in our recent past), were portrayed as victims, as opposed to mindless murderers.

Perhaps, even in spite of the sensationalism of recent history, the world did change. There was a time when Hobbits believed that the FBI, and Denzel Washington, would protect us. It was true that the President would act only in the national interest, and that partisan or political considerations were beneath the office of the most powerful man in the world. No one doubted that the end of the Cold War heralded the beginning of the end for the nuclear threat.

The world did change Frodo supposes, for, not unlike the song, the silhouettes proved only that we had been looking in the wrong windows. Frodo agrees that what was apparently only to be a cheap thriller film, "The Siege" will go on to be a movie of immense importance.

The Bruce Willis role would've been better served by a professional actor. Then again, a real President might've helped reality, too.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:22 PM EST

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Thursday, February 16, 2006

Let Your Love Fly Like a Bird on a Wing
Mood:

cool
Topic: "Shire Sunset"
A warm mid-winter day is reason enough to stand out in the Shire and watch the Sun set, spectacularly embodied by purple and orange. Frodo is not alone. The usual suspects are sniffing around the backyard, and Mr. Beau Neau is hunting whatever mole may have been foolish enough to tunnel underneath his defined territory. In the bare-leaved deciduous tree to his left Frodo spies the Red-Tailed Hawk on silent sentry.

This time of year in the Shire, the Red-Tails and their predatory relatives have constructed aeries, consummated their relationships in swirling acrobatics high aloft, and are warming the shells which encase the fledglings. The silent sentry is ahunt. This fact is not unnoticed by the small birds, squirrels, and ground creatures who inhabit the Shire. It is eerily quiet as Frodo enjoys the Sunset.

Frodo does not have many opportunities to withstand winter's chills, even in the Shire, and simply watch. Frodo's days are longer than the available sunlight. That fact makes these moments special. The sentry has duties to perform, and he is accomplishing little by simply watching the Sun set on the Shire. He wings his way to a distant and, perhaps, more productive perch, while Frodo considers the cyclical nature of the Hindu faith. The sentry may be a true old friend, dropping in to remind Frodo of days past, and time shared together.

"Good hunting, old friend," says Frodo. "There are squirrels beneath the pecan trees near Ernie's old place," and the sentry swoops purposefully in that direction.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:35 PM EST

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Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Joy to The Fishes in The Deep Blue Sea
Mood:

happy
Topic: "Bumper Sticker"
One of Sam's favorite authors is Patricia Cornwell. Cornwell writes about crime, and earlier this week she donated $500,000 to help solve a "crime."

Almost exactly 142 years ago today, the eight-man, hand-cranked, CS Hunley became the first submarine to sink an enemy warship. Before it could return to shore however, the Hunley mysteriously sank to the bottom of Charleston Harbor and her intrepid crew perished. The submarine was discovered and raised to the surface again in 2000. It remains in a conservation laboratory and is being scientifically examined to determine exactly what happened.

Cornwell visited the laboratory and worked with Dr. Jamie Downs, the Georgia Coastal Regional medical examiner. She stated in an interview that she considered the Hunley to be a crime scene, and that a "autopsy" was necessary.

Frodo is a great fan of Inspector Grissom with the Las Vegas Crime Scene Investigation Unit, appearing regularly on CBS and in syndication on every conceivable cable channel. Perhaps Ms. Cornwell's benevolence will inspire the "CSI" writers to absorb the Hunley autopsy into a future show. Frodo admits that it would be difficult to explain how the Hunley got 3,000 miles inland from Charleston Harbor. Additionally, since Inspector Grissom specializes in entymology, it may be awkward examining bugs underwater.

Frodo found this entire subject of interest because of a little known piece of political trivia associated with the recovery of the Hunley. It seems that as the submarine was lifted out of the water that scientists observed what was undoubtedly the very first "bumper sticker" pasted on her stern. The submarine bore a 136 year-old codicil which read "Re-Elect Strom Thurmond."

Inspector Grissom will assign the dude with the kinky hair to examine for DNA before he sends it to "Trace."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:15 PM EST

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Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Every Time I Tried to Tell Ya, The Words Just Came Out Wrong
Mood:

accident prone
Topic: "Quayle Hunting"
Frodo never really believed that he would truly miss Dan Quayle. Frodo believed that Quayle was a nincompoop, who looked good, and that he was the kind of politician that could be controlled by stronger people with lots of money. He became Vice-President under George H.W. Bush in order to ease him into the Presidency in 2004, upon the conclusion of the second term. Along the way however, it became frightfully clear to everyone that he could not spell "potato."

That is no excuse however for Dick Cheney to go out hunting for Quayle, particularly in the wrong State. Quayle now lives in Prescott, Arizona, so there was little likelihood that Cheney could have "peppered" him with a 28 gauge shotgun from a location near the Armstrong Ranch outside Corpus Christi, Texas.

Frodo believes that Cheney has been associating with America's number one alcoholic far too often over the past five years. Why else, asks Frodo, would he not report the shooting to the local police? The old boy must have had a few too many "longnecks," or he had been sipping from one of the Bush "Jim Beam" leftovers.

"Look," said Frodo, "Cheney is a multi-millionaire, with residual income coming in from the Pre-Emptive War. He is a heart patient himself, so he is likely to be kicking up daisies in just a few years, and he has absolutely no need to have further political interests. He is the antithesis to Dan Quayle. He just doesn't care what anybody thinks."

"Mr. Frodo, what do you think is going to happen?'

"Look son, Cheney will never finish the second term. He'll get canned, or he'll have a heart flutter, or something, and Sauron will appoint somebody to take his place."

"You think, Mr. Frodo, that it'll be a political set-up for the Republican Presidential Standard-Bearer in 2008?"

"Well duh!," said Frodo.

"Who then?"

Frodo just smiled. "That's why Cheney tried to shoot Quayle. They want to make sure he doesn't appear as the most experienced Republican."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:39 PM EST

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