Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Song As Old As Time, Beauty And The Beast
Mood:

amorous
Topic: "Carolina Cougar(2)"
When Sam's father and step-mother could no longer maintain their own residence, and they were unable to care for the one creature that shared their every day existence, another waif found his way into the Shire. Mr. Beau Neau, re-named of course, is the largest domestic cat on record, and he is all white. He entered the Shire as Rocky, the Italian Stallion, was preparing for his last encounter with Apollo Creed. Mr. Beau Neau has assumed the mantle of House Champion, and he has adapted his territorial concerns from an all-interior existence to include the entire fenced backyard of the Shire.

The population of ground and underground creatures has been adversely affected by this territorial imperative. Given the size of the feline it is actually a good thing that there are no Thompson's Gazelles or Water Buffalo wandering into the Shire.

Most interesting is the avian contingent. There has been no indication of interest in the winged visitors to the Shire. Sydney, the cockatiel, who was a companion of Rocky, senses that Mr. Beau Neau is not worthy of his trust however, and keeps his distance beyond the vertical capacity of the feline passing through his flight patterns. Perhaps the visibility of the all-white cat is a factor in the judgment of the birds, and in the concomitant concerns of the cat himself. Why fight it if your adversaries know where you are at all times?

Mick, the Wonder Dog, is Master of all he surveys, but he is totally subject to the influence of a new and entertaining game with Frodo. After dinner, and once all light has departed the Shire, Frodo catches the eye of Mick, the Wonder Dog, and he utters the phrase "Let's Go Get the Kitty." Paws and toenails flash upon the slippery surface as the dog-door is thrown open to allow the exit of the intrepid hunter. The white cat is a visible target despite the darkness, and only the evasive maneuvering envied by fighter pilots around the world allows Mr. Beau Neau to choose a route back through the dog-door which leaves him free from the slobbering of a guided canine missile.

Mick, the Wonder Dog, ends the game with the contented laugh and smile which graces the countenance of a world-class athlete savoring victory.

There is a tolerance between ageless combatants who each recognize that the Shire is their home, and that it is to be shared. Frodo is reminded of the poem "The Creation," which found its' way into every public-speaking exercise ever presented by pre-matriculates. How many times, he thought, does God say "That's Good"? One would think that Frodo would have counted the phrase in at least one such competition. Counting blessings is an activity that quiet nights and venerable companions bring to mind in the Shire.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:31 PM EST

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Monday, March 13, 2006

When I Think About All The Crap I Learned in High School
Mood:

quizzical
Frodo takes special note of the overseas exploits of a hardy band of Congressional Minutemen who stood up to defend American business interests. Senators Johnny Isakson and Saxby Chambliss were joined by Congressmen John Linder and Phil Gingrey, all Republicans from Georgia, to swoop en masse into Dubai, United Arab Emirates. This august group of freedom-fighters was determined to exhibit the true colors of the American button-downers.

Briefly, Frodo examines the record of these advocates for "truth, justice, and the American Way."

Senator Saxby "Rubber Stamp" Chambliss was denied the opportunity to serve his country by the "bad knee" which prevented his Vietnam-Era Service as a fighting man. He unseated Veteran triple amputee Senator Max Cleland by depicting him as being in cahoots with Osama bin Laden. Since then he has done everything but give George W. Bush ten minutes to draw a crowd before he kisses both cheeks of his butt. His hometown is something called Moultrie.

Congressman Phil Gingrey is an surgeon who also has no record of Overseas service in behalf of his country. Gingrey publicly supported the preservation of the Cross of St. Andrew on the Georgia State Flag. Recognizing that the Confederate Battle Flag emblem was hurtful to both the ability of the State to attract business, and to those of his fellow citizens who felt the symbolism to be offensive, was offset by "this is what my constituents want." Frodo is glad that his constituents did not want to eat their young, because "Whichever Way the Wind Blows" Gingrey would've been all for it.

Congressman John Linder is one of the richest men in the House of Representatives. He made his money as a loan shark, while his peers were marching through jungles in Southeast Asia. Linder is the author, along with "Nutcase Neil" Boortz, on the "Fair Tax" best-seller which would lessen both their Federal Tax liabilities significantly while increasing the burden on the poor and unwashed. Had Linder been borne two thousand years earlier, he would've been one of those whom Jesus cast from the Temple.

John Isakson was selling real estate when the My Lai massacre took place in Vietnam. Frodo thinks that Isakson does try hard to do a good job, but in order to win, he has had to give homage to the most offensive aspects of the Republican Party. Isakson said that "this issue that came up was a firestorm more out of the ignorance of all the facts than anything else." Frodo points out that Senator Isakson must think that more than 70% of the American people share that ignorance. Isakson should eat some of the dirt he's been selling, says Frodo.

One of the "leading English-language" newspapers in Dubai editorialized that the United States was guilty of both racism and the use of double standards in its' business dealings with Arab nations. The deal, as we all know, is now dead. Perhaps that is why George W. decided that these four clowns from Georgia would best represent the level of thought put into the issue in the first place. They were proud to serve, just as long as nobody was shooting at them.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:00 PM EST

Updated: Monday, March 13, 2006 9:01 PM EST

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Thursday, March 9, 2006

Lean On Me When Times Are Bad
Mood:

down
Topic: "Veto Shmetoe (2)"
"Harumph, Fellow Senators," began the politico with the pompadour, "It is my distinct privilege to announce that our grand ally the United Arab Emirates is renouncing any further involvement in transactions to protect America's ports." So stated, John Warner has pulled George Bush's nuts out of the fire.

Frodo has always found the military megalith from Virginia to be worth a stereotype or two. In the parlance of young people, he is basically a "Valley Girl." Frodo's favorite story about John Warner of the Senate goes back to a tiny community on the south-side of Virginia. It seems that a local attorney, a Republican no less, had been nominated to be the new US Attorney for the Western District of Virginia. John Warner, at the time, was either the eleventh or the twelfth husband of formerly svelte actress Elizabeth Taylor.

Warner was designated to go to this rural community and to "swear in" the new US Attorney. When Warner arrived in the VFW Hall, or the High School Gym, or the Methodist Church, or wherever the ceremony was to be held, he was staggered by the turnout. Literally the entire town, and the neighboring three counties, were all in attendance.

Warner was almost moved to tears. Speaking with ceremonial respect for the local boy made good, he went on at great length about the level of respect the community must have for this dedicated attorney.

Dear reader, one can only imagine the dribble. After twenty minutes or so, the mechanics, and the farmers, the factory workers, the nurses, and the teachers who crowded the space were getting edgy. Finally, one man could stand it no longer and he rose from his chair, pointed at Warner, and yelled, "Whar's Liz?"

When Liz was found not to be in attendance, everyone began to file quietly out of the building.

Liz divorced Warner about six weeks later.

Smart lady.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 7:55 PM EST

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Tuesday, March 7, 2006

Maybe We'll be Lovers When The Music Ends
Mood:

crushed out
Topic: "Clark and Lois (2)"
There is a scene where Christopher Reeve lands on the balcony belonging to Margot Kidder, and after a bit of foreplay, he takes her for a ride. They swoop and soar over the lights of Metropolis and out into the night sky high above the ocean. Clouds swirl through her tresses, and all the time he holds her in his arms. With a smile he grabs her by a single hand in his and allows her to glide on her own. When the grip momentarily slips, he catches her and they tumble through space in an orderly fall to a new cruising level. When he brings her safely down to their starting point, the audience realizes that they have just witnessed one of the truly great seduction scenes in American cinematic history. Sex in the imagery of the camera, and no one complained.

Some years later Margot Kidder was gone, but Dana Reeve was Lois Lane for real. Ever by the side of a real Superman, she was in love with that guy and anybody who ever doubted the depth of that affection surely was without a heart. He would never walk on his own again, but he never stopped trying. They would never follow the path they had charted, but that simply meant they had to follow another, together. When later, she stood alone, it was with the grace of one who had lost the love of her life, but not its' purpose.

That now old movie will be on cable again soon, and Frodo will watch that scene with tears in his eyes. He will never again notice that it is Margot Kidder in the arms of Superman. It will be Dana.

Frodo laments the passing of a truly beautiful human being. It is his fondest prayer that these two hearts are reunited, and that they are the shadow which he sees crossing the moon. May they follow a path to the third star, and then go straight on until morning.

Dana Reeve, 1961-2006.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:02 PM EST

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Monday, March 6, 2006

March With Me, I'll March With You, And So We'll March Together
Mood:

don't ask
Topic: "Dumbest Politico (2)"
The State Senate in Georgia is certainly one of the two or three most bizarre political institutions in all of Middle Earth (the Georgia House is also included in this number). Frodo continues to be amazed that foolish statements can be created fast enough to be utilized with such regularity by these buffoons. Understand, dear reader, Frodo is not "bashing" anyone, he believes that sometimes the words speak for themselves. The diatribe from Senator Nancy Schaefer (R-Turnerville) was printed in the HARTWELL SUN newspaper: "Commenting on illegal immigration, Schaefer said 50 million abortions have been performed in this country, causing a shortage of cheap American labor. 'We could have used those people,' she said."

Frodo suggests a short pause at this point in order to fully absorb the message and its' potential impact. Taking a deep breath while shaking one's head is also advised.

Senatoress Schaefer obviously feels that there is linkage between abortion and illegal immigration. She is suggesting that if there were no abortions, then there wouldn't be all these dumb Mexicans running around plucking our chickens, and mowing our lawns. There would be a lot of dumb Americans plucking chicken feathers and mowing grass. Frodo assumes that the dumb Mexicans would be staffing call centers in India.

Then again, given her flight in the face of logic, it might be argued that abortion begets Mexicans. For every abortion that takes place in America, one lone Mexican swims the Rio Grande. Frodo wonders if that poor little chicken plucker sits alongside the river for the full nine months, or does he show up during the third trimester?

Frodo has been considering the full ramifications of an additional 50,000,000 Americans in Middle Earth. Hurricane Katrina might have killed 50,001,100 people. General Casey could be commanding 50,135,000 troops in Iraq. Attendance at the Grand Opening of the NASCAR Hall of Fame might reach 50,000,014.

The good Senator is absolutely correct however. Had there been an additional 36,000,000 abortions over time, then there wouldn't be any of these pickaninnies wearing baseball caps turned backward and rings in their ears either.

Who can argue?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:55 PM EST

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Sunday, March 5, 2006

I'm Crazy For Trying
Mood:

lyrical
Topic: "Winchester Women (2)"
Forty-Three years ago tonight, when she was thirty years old, Patsy Cline died in an airplane crash in Tennessee. As Frodo contemplates the music and the songstress, his favorite of all her tunes is, eerily, "I Fall to Pieces." Frodo doesn't mean to sound whimsical in his response to the question, it truly is his favorite.

Frodo hesitates to write about something written about so often, for fear that he would come across as patronizing. Frodo has thought often, however, of the similarity between the story of Patsy Cline and that of Buddy Holly. Both killed in plane crashes after terribly short, but productive, musical careers. Both at the forefront of the development of a style, and a sound, which influences creative musicians even today.

Buddy Holly recorded "True Love Ways" with the accompaniment of violins, something never before done in "rock-and-roll." Today, Rod Stewart keeps violinists on stage for live concerts.

Patsy Cline was every American woman coming out of her experiences during the Great War. She lost people very dear to her, but that was the price of victory. Now, with the freedom to take a glass of bourbon and coke with her, she moved on with life, and the search for love. She just couldn't get that boy off her mind 'though, you know the one that wouldn't be coming home.

Had she lived, Frodo is sure that Patsy Cline would've recorded a song about "lookin' for love in all the wrong places. . ." Her songs were lamentations, and they captured heartache.

"Each time I see you with him, I Fall to Pieces. . ."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:29 PM EST

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Friday, March 3, 2006

Here Come Da Judge, Here Come Da Judge
Mood:

happy
Topic: "Sleepy Time (2)"
The subject was wiretaps. The United States Government, specifically the Justice Department, was defending its' use of wiretaps to gather information against suspected members of "Organized Crime." Frodo was there in all his glory to observe and hear oral arguments before the Supreme Court of the United States. Frodo was sure that Vito Genovese was there, or Sam Giancana, or Carlos Marcello, or maybe Joe Bonanno had flown in from Tucson to appear before the most powerful judiciary in all the world. Frodo was unable to identify anybody, but he was very troubled by the presence of the unidentified men who seemed to watch his every move.

These men were dressed in suits, and even while things were happening before the bench, these guys were walking around and looking hard at Frodo and his Hobbit friends. Frodo tried to ignore them by paying rapt attention to the voices before the bench.

The voices were nothing more than the drone of emotionless rhetoric. There was no mellifluous rise in rhythm as emotion drove home a point. No, it was as if everybody had already said everything, and this was merely a summation for the record.

Boring.

Soon Frodo's eyelids grew heavy, and his neck muscles grew weary of the support provided to his head. He began to nod off. He caught himself several times, but soon the sheer monotony of what was transpiring in that great room was more than the Hobbit could handle.

Suddenly he was startled awake by the hand of one of the mysterious men patrolling the aisles. He gasped, thinking that he was to be dragged from the room and "taken for a ride" out to the wetlands of New Jersey. As he prepared to scream for help, he noticed that the burly suit was now shaking Adelard Took, and after him, was hand on the shoulder to Milo Burrow. Soon, all of the suits were attempting to wake any of the Hobbits who all, seemingly, had fallen sound asleep.

Frodo realized that these were not "Hitmen," but US Government employees assigned to wake up anyone who drifted off to sleep while court was in session. Frodo watched, amazed, as virtually everyone, and certainly there were more than 100 persons in all, nodded off at some point in time.

Perhaps more than anyone, dear reader, Frodo understands why the lone female member of the Supreme Court fell asleep on the Bench earlier this week. It was that the particular proceeding was not too much different from the one he observed so long ago. It also says a great deal when the only woman with eight guys around her fell sound asleep in their midst. No one will ever confuse this group with Gladys Knight and the Pips.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:01 PM EST

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Wednesday, March 1, 2006

So Much Fun to Put in Your Tummy
Mood:

hungry
Topic: "Kandy Kakes 2"
"Tastykake products are made to taste great. If not satisfied, full refund guaranteed with proof of purchase, code, and reason for dissatisfaction."---The Tastykake Guarantee (www.tastykake.com)

Frodo has many faults, not least of which is an insatiable appreciation for something that really tastes good. How, then, could he not have an affinity for a company that guarantees great taste to Frodo? Having sampled literally everything manufactured by this Philadelphia-based company, scientifically of course, Frodo's absolute favorite is the PEANUT BUTTER KANDY KAKES. They are described as "Milk Chocolate Coated Cakes with Peanut Butter Filling," but that is insufficient definition when it comes to something that should be served at any of the finest dining establishments.

Sam has known of Frodo's penchant for Kandy Kakes these many years. Whenever Sam notices Frodo's challenges weighing him down, a box with 24 of these precious creations magically appears within the confines of the Shire. Savoring the taste of fluffy cake smothered with chocolate and peanut butter, each nibble is allowed to slowly slosh its' way over the tongue and gently caress the palate. Frodo believes that if there are no Kandy Kakes in Heaven, then he ain't goin'.

Imagine, dear reader, if the Republican Party had issued something like the Tastykake Guarantee?

George W. Bush would be in Crawford pulling on his chainsaw. Dick Cheney would be in Wyoming shooting attorneys. Condi Rice would be a groupie outside the locker room of the San Francisco 49'ers. Karl Rove would be spamming e-mails on behalf of some uncle of an ousted general in Nigeria. Donald Rumsfeld would be beating the hell out of his grandchildren.

America needs more Tastykakes, and so does Frodo.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:36 PM EST

Updated: Wednesday, March 1, 2006 8:41 PM EST

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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Just About a Year Ago I Set Out on The Road
Mood:

celebratory
Topic: "Happy Mardi Gras"(2)
Today is Fat Tuesday. Today is also the first publication anniversary for "Frodo, Keeper of the Ring." Frodo is very proud of the 215 entries which adorn the left-hand column in alphabetical order, and he is very grateful that some very good, and forever unseen friends encouraged him to begin this journey. It is, indeed, appropriate that a vagabond should embark on a journey without a destination in sight.

Frodo has received many comments, and some came from other parts of our small blue planet. People laughed about the study of sexual organs on male fish, and many cried as they stood with Frodo at the funeral of Pvt. Jesus Fonseca. The administrator of a small English town attacked his parody of the male populace who were forsaken by their spouses for a week to satisy a BBC reality TV show. Some readers told Frodo that they were as frightened when he recounted the van almost sliding off the mountain into the jungle on Dominica. One special person told Frodo that his hike in the land of the Cherokee reminded her of how much she missed those mountains. Many feigned disbelief reading about the rabbit in Bilbo's car.

Several special friends have told Frodo not to let up on the needs of the people of Orleans. In a place where the full brunt of creative effort goes into the celebrations of life and death, there is a continuing need to rekindle the human spirit. Frodo has promised that when he does return that he and Sam will "mainline" with the Wild Tchoupitoulas and DeJuan's Marchers in tribute to those lost to the flood.

Throughout, Frodo hammers at the incompetence and the residual evil of Sauron. With only the administration of Herbert Hoover for comparison, the Presidency of George W. Bush has done even greater harm to our nation. Frodo, with or without support, will continue to do everything in his power to wrest the ring from the control of this Incomparable Moron.

There is a professor who sometimes reads these lines, and Frodo writes for him. This man from a foreign land taught Frodo what it meant to live in the Shire. Frodo will never forget Gandalf.

There is a lady who fights a continual battle against a killer disease, and whose courage and grace inspire Frodo every single day. Frodo writes for Galadriel.

There is a journalist who shares Frodo's love for his homeland, who now hears what she cannot see. She will receive a signed copy of today's words to place next to her Pulitzer. Frodo writes for Merry.

There are all those who share in the Fellowship, who are a part of the stories which Frodo leaves behind. Boromir, Legolas, Tom Bombadil, Pippin, and Bilbo are very much a part of Frodo.

There are special places and moments and creatures that share our small blue planet, which we sometimes forget about. Frodo tries to use his words in their stead.

All our topics will now bear the number (2), and our titles will continue with words from the art form that above all others chronicles these years.

Sam and Frodo continue their journey, and greatly enjoy the company.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:01 PM EST

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Monday, February 27, 2006

Come On And Sing A-Long, All Night Long
Mood:

smelly
Topic: "Teflon Causes Cancer"
Frodo has been watching polling data for several days. There is something very unusual and noteworthy in survey after survey reporting consistent figures. In this instance, opposition to the contractual management of US ports by a government-owned entity from the UAE has not dropped below 70%, and has been measured as high as 89%. It makes Frodo remember his days as a Lou Harris pollster.

Frodo was in graduate school, and was the recipient of a fellowship designed to increase public knowledge about the electoral process in the Shire. Prior to the Presidential Election in that year, the Lou Harris people approached the University (made out of ticky-tacky) and asked them if Frodo could be used as a Lou Harris pollster. Frodo agreed to the request, was issued an official Lou Harris identification card, and given a brief instruction on how the survey was to be conducted.

On two different days Frodo was dispatched to two different communities within the Shire. In the first community Frodo was instructed to find two willing respondents from any residence within a three-block grid. It took Frodo an entire day to find two willing participants, since the survey took over two hours to complete. The survey consisted of cards, numbered on the back, with statements about one of the Presidential candidates on the front. The respondent would silently read the statement and place it face down on a board with boxes ranging from "Agree Strongly" to "Disagree Strongly." Frodo would record the number on the back of each card in each box.

In the second community, which was very different from the first, Frodo was instructed to survey a household located on a corner lot, and a household in which at least one person was gainfully employed. In both instances the cards had conflicting statements. One might say, for example, "George W. Bush is a crook," and another might read "George W. Bush is not a crook" (it should be noted at this point that no one says that all of the statements are correct). The depth of sincerity by the participant would be reflected by the consistency of the responses.

Frodo always enjoyed being able to respond to people who railed against polls in subsequent times. Seeing the downcast look of someone who said "Nobody I know has ever been polled" in Frodo's presence was worth an admission price. Hearing Frodo explain how the respondents were chosen, and the detailing of the depth of the interview spiced up many a cocktail gathering.

The consistency of response, as mentioned above, is what has caught Frodo's attention in the current Bush SNAFU. The Citizens of Middle Earth have heard about the threats. The Citizens of Middle Earth have heard about the obvious flaws in security. The Citizens of Middle Earth have voted to support candidates who emphasized security above all else. The Citizens of Middle Earth have put all their cards in the same box, and it reads "Disagree Strongly."

The Teflon has worn thin on George W. Bush, and it may have exposed his fatal flaw. His inattentiveness to the issue, the haste of his response, and the misguided belief in his ability to persuade, may finally have caught up to Sauron.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:36 PM EST

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