Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Monday, March 6, 2006

March With Me, I'll March With You, And So We'll March Together
Mood:

don't ask
Topic: "Dumbest Politico (2)"
The State Senate in Georgia is certainly one of the two or three most bizarre political institutions in all of Middle Earth (the Georgia House is also included in this number). Frodo continues to be amazed that foolish statements can be created fast enough to be utilized with such regularity by these buffoons. Understand, dear reader, Frodo is not "bashing" anyone, he believes that sometimes the words speak for themselves. The diatribe from Senator Nancy Schaefer (R-Turnerville) was printed in the HARTWELL SUN newspaper: "Commenting on illegal immigration, Schaefer said 50 million abortions have been performed in this country, causing a shortage of cheap American labor. 'We could have used those people,' she said."

Frodo suggests a short pause at this point in order to fully absorb the message and its' potential impact. Taking a deep breath while shaking one's head is also advised.

Senatoress Schaefer obviously feels that there is linkage between abortion and illegal immigration. She is suggesting that if there were no abortions, then there wouldn't be all these dumb Mexicans running around plucking our chickens, and mowing our lawns. There would be a lot of dumb Americans plucking chicken feathers and mowing grass. Frodo assumes that the dumb Mexicans would be staffing call centers in India.

Then again, given her flight in the face of logic, it might be argued that abortion begets Mexicans. For every abortion that takes place in America, one lone Mexican swims the Rio Grande. Frodo wonders if that poor little chicken plucker sits alongside the river for the full nine months, or does he show up during the third trimester?

Frodo has been considering the full ramifications of an additional 50,000,000 Americans in Middle Earth. Hurricane Katrina might have killed 50,001,100 people. General Casey could be commanding 50,135,000 troops in Iraq. Attendance at the Grand Opening of the NASCAR Hall of Fame might reach 50,000,014.

The good Senator is absolutely correct however. Had there been an additional 36,000,000 abortions over time, then there wouldn't be any of these pickaninnies wearing baseball caps turned backward and rings in their ears either.

Who can argue?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:55 PM EST

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Sunday, March 5, 2006

I'm Crazy For Trying
Mood:

lyrical
Topic: "Winchester Women (2)"
Forty-Three years ago tonight, when she was thirty years old, Patsy Cline died in an airplane crash in Tennessee. As Frodo contemplates the music and the songstress, his favorite of all her tunes is, eerily, "I Fall to Pieces." Frodo doesn't mean to sound whimsical in his response to the question, it truly is his favorite.

Frodo hesitates to write about something written about so often, for fear that he would come across as patronizing. Frodo has thought often, however, of the similarity between the story of Patsy Cline and that of Buddy Holly. Both killed in plane crashes after terribly short, but productive, musical careers. Both at the forefront of the development of a style, and a sound, which influences creative musicians even today.

Buddy Holly recorded "True Love Ways" with the accompaniment of violins, something never before done in "rock-and-roll." Today, Rod Stewart keeps violinists on stage for live concerts.

Patsy Cline was every American woman coming out of her experiences during the Great War. She lost people very dear to her, but that was the price of victory. Now, with the freedom to take a glass of bourbon and coke with her, she moved on with life, and the search for love. She just couldn't get that boy off her mind 'though, you know the one that wouldn't be coming home.

Had she lived, Frodo is sure that Patsy Cline would've recorded a song about "lookin' for love in all the wrong places. . ." Her songs were lamentations, and they captured heartache.

"Each time I see you with him, I Fall to Pieces. . ."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:29 PM EST

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Friday, March 3, 2006

Here Come Da Judge, Here Come Da Judge
Mood:

happy
Topic: "Sleepy Time (2)"
The subject was wiretaps. The United States Government, specifically the Justice Department, was defending its' use of wiretaps to gather information against suspected members of "Organized Crime." Frodo was there in all his glory to observe and hear oral arguments before the Supreme Court of the United States. Frodo was sure that Vito Genovese was there, or Sam Giancana, or Carlos Marcello, or maybe Joe Bonanno had flown in from Tucson to appear before the most powerful judiciary in all the world. Frodo was unable to identify anybody, but he was very troubled by the presence of the unidentified men who seemed to watch his every move.

These men were dressed in suits, and even while things were happening before the bench, these guys were walking around and looking hard at Frodo and his Hobbit friends. Frodo tried to ignore them by paying rapt attention to the voices before the bench.

The voices were nothing more than the drone of emotionless rhetoric. There was no mellifluous rise in rhythm as emotion drove home a point. No, it was as if everybody had already said everything, and this was merely a summation for the record.

Boring.

Soon Frodo's eyelids grew heavy, and his neck muscles grew weary of the support provided to his head. He began to nod off. He caught himself several times, but soon the sheer monotony of what was transpiring in that great room was more than the Hobbit could handle.

Suddenly he was startled awake by the hand of one of the mysterious men patrolling the aisles. He gasped, thinking that he was to be dragged from the room and "taken for a ride" out to the wetlands of New Jersey. As he prepared to scream for help, he noticed that the burly suit was now shaking Adelard Took, and after him, was hand on the shoulder to Milo Burrow. Soon, all of the suits were attempting to wake any of the Hobbits who all, seemingly, had fallen sound asleep.

Frodo realized that these were not "Hitmen," but US Government employees assigned to wake up anyone who drifted off to sleep while court was in session. Frodo watched, amazed, as virtually everyone, and certainly there were more than 100 persons in all, nodded off at some point in time.

Perhaps more than anyone, dear reader, Frodo understands why the lone female member of the Supreme Court fell asleep on the Bench earlier this week. It was that the particular proceeding was not too much different from the one he observed so long ago. It also says a great deal when the only woman with eight guys around her fell sound asleep in their midst. No one will ever confuse this group with Gladys Knight and the Pips.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:01 PM EST

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Wednesday, March 1, 2006

So Much Fun to Put in Your Tummy
Mood:

hungry
Topic: "Kandy Kakes 2"
"Tastykake products are made to taste great. If not satisfied, full refund guaranteed with proof of purchase, code, and reason for dissatisfaction."---The Tastykake Guarantee (www.tastykake.com)

Frodo has many faults, not least of which is an insatiable appreciation for something that really tastes good. How, then, could he not have an affinity for a company that guarantees great taste to Frodo? Having sampled literally everything manufactured by this Philadelphia-based company, scientifically of course, Frodo's absolute favorite is the PEANUT BUTTER KANDY KAKES. They are described as "Milk Chocolate Coated Cakes with Peanut Butter Filling," but that is insufficient definition when it comes to something that should be served at any of the finest dining establishments.

Sam has known of Frodo's penchant for Kandy Kakes these many years. Whenever Sam notices Frodo's challenges weighing him down, a box with 24 of these precious creations magically appears within the confines of the Shire. Savoring the taste of fluffy cake smothered with chocolate and peanut butter, each nibble is allowed to slowly slosh its' way over the tongue and gently caress the palate. Frodo believes that if there are no Kandy Kakes in Heaven, then he ain't goin'.

Imagine, dear reader, if the Republican Party had issued something like the Tastykake Guarantee?

George W. Bush would be in Crawford pulling on his chainsaw. Dick Cheney would be in Wyoming shooting attorneys. Condi Rice would be a groupie outside the locker room of the San Francisco 49'ers. Karl Rove would be spamming e-mails on behalf of some uncle of an ousted general in Nigeria. Donald Rumsfeld would be beating the hell out of his grandchildren.

America needs more Tastykakes, and so does Frodo.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:36 PM EST

Updated: Wednesday, March 1, 2006 8:41 PM EST

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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Just About a Year Ago I Set Out on The Road
Mood:

celebratory
Topic: "Happy Mardi Gras"(2)
Today is Fat Tuesday. Today is also the first publication anniversary for "Frodo, Keeper of the Ring." Frodo is very proud of the 215 entries which adorn the left-hand column in alphabetical order, and he is very grateful that some very good, and forever unseen friends encouraged him to begin this journey. It is, indeed, appropriate that a vagabond should embark on a journey without a destination in sight.

Frodo has received many comments, and some came from other parts of our small blue planet. People laughed about the study of sexual organs on male fish, and many cried as they stood with Frodo at the funeral of Pvt. Jesus Fonseca. The administrator of a small English town attacked his parody of the male populace who were forsaken by their spouses for a week to satisy a BBC reality TV show. Some readers told Frodo that they were as frightened when he recounted the van almost sliding off the mountain into the jungle on Dominica. One special person told Frodo that his hike in the land of the Cherokee reminded her of how much she missed those mountains. Many feigned disbelief reading about the rabbit in Bilbo's car.

Several special friends have told Frodo not to let up on the needs of the people of Orleans. In a place where the full brunt of creative effort goes into the celebrations of life and death, there is a continuing need to rekindle the human spirit. Frodo has promised that when he does return that he and Sam will "mainline" with the Wild Tchoupitoulas and DeJuan's Marchers in tribute to those lost to the flood.

Throughout, Frodo hammers at the incompetence and the residual evil of Sauron. With only the administration of Herbert Hoover for comparison, the Presidency of George W. Bush has done even greater harm to our nation. Frodo, with or without support, will continue to do everything in his power to wrest the ring from the control of this Incomparable Moron.

There is a professor who sometimes reads these lines, and Frodo writes for him. This man from a foreign land taught Frodo what it meant to live in the Shire. Frodo will never forget Gandalf.

There is a lady who fights a continual battle against a killer disease, and whose courage and grace inspire Frodo every single day. Frodo writes for Galadriel.

There is a journalist who shares Frodo's love for his homeland, who now hears what she cannot see. She will receive a signed copy of today's words to place next to her Pulitzer. Frodo writes for Merry.

There are all those who share in the Fellowship, who are a part of the stories which Frodo leaves behind. Boromir, Legolas, Tom Bombadil, Pippin, and Bilbo are very much a part of Frodo.

There are special places and moments and creatures that share our small blue planet, which we sometimes forget about. Frodo tries to use his words in their stead.

All our topics will now bear the number (2), and our titles will continue with words from the art form that above all others chronicles these years.

Sam and Frodo continue their journey, and greatly enjoy the company.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:01 PM EST

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Monday, February 27, 2006

Come On And Sing A-Long, All Night Long
Mood:

smelly
Topic: "Teflon Causes Cancer"
Frodo has been watching polling data for several days. There is something very unusual and noteworthy in survey after survey reporting consistent figures. In this instance, opposition to the contractual management of US ports by a government-owned entity from the UAE has not dropped below 70%, and has been measured as high as 89%. It makes Frodo remember his days as a Lou Harris pollster.

Frodo was in graduate school, and was the recipient of a fellowship designed to increase public knowledge about the electoral process in the Shire. Prior to the Presidential Election in that year, the Lou Harris people approached the University (made out of ticky-tacky) and asked them if Frodo could be used as a Lou Harris pollster. Frodo agreed to the request, was issued an official Lou Harris identification card, and given a brief instruction on how the survey was to be conducted.

On two different days Frodo was dispatched to two different communities within the Shire. In the first community Frodo was instructed to find two willing respondents from any residence within a three-block grid. It took Frodo an entire day to find two willing participants, since the survey took over two hours to complete. The survey consisted of cards, numbered on the back, with statements about one of the Presidential candidates on the front. The respondent would silently read the statement and place it face down on a board with boxes ranging from "Agree Strongly" to "Disagree Strongly." Frodo would record the number on the back of each card in each box.

In the second community, which was very different from the first, Frodo was instructed to survey a household located on a corner lot, and a household in which at least one person was gainfully employed. In both instances the cards had conflicting statements. One might say, for example, "George W. Bush is a crook," and another might read "George W. Bush is not a crook" (it should be noted at this point that no one says that all of the statements are correct). The depth of sincerity by the participant would be reflected by the consistency of the responses.

Frodo always enjoyed being able to respond to people who railed against polls in subsequent times. Seeing the downcast look of someone who said "Nobody I know has ever been polled" in Frodo's presence was worth an admission price. Hearing Frodo explain how the respondents were chosen, and the detailing of the depth of the interview spiced up many a cocktail gathering.

The consistency of response, as mentioned above, is what has caught Frodo's attention in the current Bush SNAFU. The Citizens of Middle Earth have heard about the threats. The Citizens of Middle Earth have heard about the obvious flaws in security. The Citizens of Middle Earth have voted to support candidates who emphasized security above all else. The Citizens of Middle Earth have put all their cards in the same box, and it reads "Disagree Strongly."

The Teflon has worn thin on George W. Bush, and it may have exposed his fatal flaw. His inattentiveness to the issue, the haste of his response, and the misguided belief in his ability to persuade, may finally have caught up to Sauron.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:36 PM EST

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Saturday, February 25, 2006

I Didn't Know Too Much
Mood:

irritated
Topic: "Man of the Century"
TIME Magazine named Franklin Delano Roosevelt as the most important person in the 20th Century. Frodo considered that possibility before the announcement, and he has contemplated it ever since. Elvis Presley, Adolf Hitler, Jonas Salk, Albert Einstein, Martin Luther King, Mao Tse-Tung, Neil Armstrong, Ernest Hemingway, Henry Ford, Wilbur/Orville Wright, Christian Barnaard, Winston Churchill, Nikolai Lenin, Luciano Pavarotti, Laurence Olivier, J.R.R. Tolkien and countless others addressed the challenges before them and became dominant in the minds of other men, and one Hobbit. Singling out any one individual would certainly seem to be a value judgment, and enough to start a fight in almost any bar.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt may, however, be a standard beyond comparison for that honor. Serving longer in office as President of one of the most powerful countries on Earth (at that time) than any who came before, he guided the world through a cataclysmic world war, and the deepest economic depression in modern times. He was an accomplished and forceful speaker, an able politician, and he was paralyzed by polio. Bilbo lived through these times and has often told Frodo that without the support that "FDR" mustered for those hit hardest by the depression, many would have died, including Bilbo. He was obviously an extraordinary human being.

Frodo has journeyed on several occasions to "The Little White House" in the community of Warm Springs, Georgia. Roosevelt came to this small retreat several times during his Presidency. The bubbling spa was especially soothing to a body wracked by his painful affliction. To walk the grounds is to understand why any one under such pain and stress would welcome the respite of such a town. To visit Warm Springs is to know the Shire.

This discussion is timely because of recent events in the Georgia State Legislature. Rather benignly, a State Representative, a Democrat from the Warm Springs area, entered a bill to create an "FDR Appreciation Day" in the State of Georgia. It did not seek the status of an official holiday, but it did seek to document the fact that so great a leader did spend a good deal of time in the State, and that the people he visited took note of his affection. Strangely enough, however, that did not sit well with another State Representative, a Republican from the community of Canton, some 100 miles to the north of Warm Springs. This gentleman objected to the bill, thence stopping its' enactment under rules of the Georgia House. It seems that the gentleman felt it was inappropriate for the State to so recognize an individual who had conducted an extra-marital affair. It was common knowledge, he asserted, that Roosevelt had had sex with his wife's personal secretary.

In subsequent days there have been many pieces of correspondence and commentary in support of the denial of "FDR Appreciation Day." One writer argued that FDR had taken the nation to the brink of socialism, and was therefore a greater threat to freedom than to its' maintenance. Another felt that if it was such a worthwhile suggestion, then why didn't the proposal come forth while the Democrats ran the State.

Frodo is rather pleased that this matter has gotten so little attention in other parts of the world. This is the kind of thing that he would expect to hear from the State Legislature in South Dakota. Better that the world consider them to be Neanderthals. Given what we now know, the world would be correct.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:35 PM EST

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Thursday, February 23, 2006

It's Only Words, And Words
Mood:

d'oh
Topic: "Bring the Bowl"
Somewhere in the depths of the White House a meeting was held today, and the subject was words. Two words to be specific; those words are "Civil" and "War." It has been determined that those words should not be used in any form of communication describing the situation as it exists in the geographical boundaries drawn and presented as "Iraq." It remains the official position of the US of A that an Iraqi national government will emerge from the "process," and that the violence will become subordinated to the cause of freedom.

Frodo learned a lesson a long time ago. That lesson came in response to a test given to all the Hobbits of the Shire on the first day of class. The essay question was, simply, "Is There an American Civilization?" Frodo remembers the shocked look on the faces of his fellow Hobbits as they all struggled with the idea of a test on the first day of class. The shock gave way to panic because there was no point of reference in which to respond to such an open-ended question.

The weeks that followed in those classes were all geared to answering that question, and it was made clear that the same question would be asked on the test given at the end of the term. Frodo learned that every "Civilization" is composed of "institutions," which distinguish it from all other "Civilizations." The "institutions" can be military, they can be religious, they can be cultural, and so on, and they reflect how people band together in order to co-exist.

The military was a dominant "institution" in the Soviet Union. When the military failed to maintain the orderly process of government, Communism as a political system fell. The political "institution" was not strong enough to stand, especially without a religious "institution" to support it. The Communists had sown the seeds of their own demise by suppressing religion as an integral part of Soviet society.

The flaw in the planning of the Neo-Cons and Sauron was that they ignored the above lessons. They felt that by destroying the political "institution" of Saddam Hussein, and by the subsequent dismemberment of the "military" institution, that a desire for freedom would take hold and grow. They underestimated the strength of the religious "institution," which, especially now, dominates the divisions between peoples, and fills the vacuum created by the elimination of political processes.

Frodo imagines being a "fly on the wall," when a group of befuddled social neophytes decide that if we don't call it a "War," then it won't be. Today may not be the beginning of the collapse of order in that part of Mesopotamia, but it is damn close. All those people dead, all that wealth wasted on guns and bullets, and the result is something we can't even call a "Civil" "War."

Frodo understands how Pontius Pilate must have felt.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:37 PM EST

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Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Do a Little Dance, Make a Little Love, Get Down Tonight
Mood:

loud
Topic: "Poll Results Just In"
Frodo always considered himself to be an observer. In recent days however, it seems as if he has almost become prescient. Frodo knew that, at some point, poll results would reflect an approval rating for the performance of George W. Bush as President which would be lower than the number of fingers and toes on his hands and feet. In fact, it may be that on the issue of foreign ownership in the management of US ports-of-entry that George W. Bush may not have any support at all.

"Mrs. Bush," said Frodo, "I would like to express my appreciation to you for granting me this interview. You are aware that I am one of the greatest threats to your husband's throne, and that I am sworn to destroy the ring before he establishes the Kingdom of Mordor throughout all of Middle Earth."

"No, and frankly, I've never heard of you. I thought this was an interview supporting the President's 'No Child Left Behind.'"

"Well, actually, what we said on the telephone is that we would like to kick the President's behind."

"No matter, the President and I are very aware of the need to hear the opinions of those who disagree with the wishes of the American people."

"Mrs. Bush, the odd thing here is that you and the President appear to be the only people who think it is a good idea for a government-controlled company from the United Arab Emirates to manage the major ports of the East and Gulf Coasts?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"What I mean is is that virtually everybody, except maybe the slow-witted Senator McCain, has denounced the approval by the Government Foreign Investment Board of the proposed transaction. Your husband's threat to veto Congressional nullification might be over-ridden in minutes."

"Well, I never. . ."

"Of course you have, when he nominated Harriet Miers, or when he decided he was going to rape Social Security, even his own supporters stood up and told him 'No.'"

"No, what you don't understand is that. . ."

"Mrs. Bush, no one admires your steadfast support for your husband more than Frodo, but you have to be the only person in America who would even entertain his plea of 'Trust Me' this time around."

"I refuse to believe that anyone would believe that."

"Mrs. Bush, is your husband drinking again? Have you had to tell him, again, that it is 'Jim Beam or Me'?"

"Mr. Frito, or whatever your name is, would you hold off one minute and let me just say that I, too, feel this is the dumbest damn thing the President has done since he talked about returning to the Moon, or exploring Mars, or whatever. . ."

"Then, if you'll pardon my surprise, just who is it that is advising him that this is a righteous course of action if even you are opposed to the idea?," queried Frodo.

"Well, I can't say for sure, but I did see Ahmed Chalabi on his way into the Oval Office."

"Chalabi! Good heavens, just the two of them?"

"Actually, there were several others there, too. I saw George Tenet, Paul Wolfowitz, the Commissioner of Major League Baseball, the Prime Minister of Denmark, Congresswoman Schmidthead from Ohio, Iranian President Ahmadinejad, Ralph Reed, and Bruce Willis."

"So these were the people who advised the President to approve this deal?"

"As I said earlier, Mr. Frito, the President listens to the American people."

"Mrs. Bush, thank you for your patience with me. Is there something I can do for you?"

"Yes, Mr. Frito, would you hand me that copy of 'My Pet Goat'? It is time for the President's nap."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:47 PM EST

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Sunday, February 19, 2006

They Said to My Shock, You're on The Wrong Block
Mood:

chillin'
Topic: "It's Just a Movie"
In the time before the assaults of September 11th, 2001, Frodo, as he does now, read a lot of books. Some of the subject matter merits his time and some are merely "beach books." Frodo justifies everything from Robin Cook to John Grisham as part of his appreciation for creativity. Frodo has thought often about a nameless paperback he read which encompassed a military assault on Washington, DC, and the eerie feeling he has had about the similarities of that story to the plane which struck the Pentagon on that tumultuous day.

On a cold and overcast day, Frodo spent part of his afternoon tuned into the History Channel. A movie entitled "The Siege," produced in 1998, starring Denzel Washington, Annette Benning, Tony Shaloub, and the disgusting Bruce Willis, was on the schedule. Frodo recalled having seen about 15 minutes of the movie at some point in time, but was fascinated by its' presentation on the History Channel.

The movie refers to the bombing in Oklahoma City, and the background in New York City prominently displayed the "Twin Towers." The setting and the time-frame make the resultant references to suicide bombings (including "One Federal Plaza" in NYC), torture of a Muslim Imam by the CIA and Military Intelligence, the detention of multitudes of Arabic-appearing individuals without charge, and the suspension of civil liberties almost, well, bizarre.

During commercial breaks the very poor replacement for Sander Vanocur questioned some Professor from Purdue, of all places, about the movie, and its' relationship to what actually followed. His comments added to Frodo's fascination by pointing out how well the CIA and the FBI worked together in this fantasy, and how there were actually no villains in the film. Even the Terrorists, who were Palestinian (since even Hollywood had no idea who al Qaeda was in our recent past), were portrayed as victims, as opposed to mindless murderers.

Perhaps, even in spite of the sensationalism of recent history, the world did change. There was a time when Hobbits believed that the FBI, and Denzel Washington, would protect us. It was true that the President would act only in the national interest, and that partisan or political considerations were beneath the office of the most powerful man in the world. No one doubted that the end of the Cold War heralded the beginning of the end for the nuclear threat.

The world did change Frodo supposes, for, not unlike the song, the silhouettes proved only that we had been looking in the wrong windows. Frodo agrees that what was apparently only to be a cheap thriller film, "The Siege" will go on to be a movie of immense importance.

The Bruce Willis role would've been better served by a professional actor. Then again, a real President might've helped reality, too.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:22 PM EST

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