Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Thursday, May 4, 2006

Rock My Soul In The Bosom of Abraham, O Rock My Soul
Mood:

down
Topic: "Crime and Punishment(2)"
"Hear ye, Hear ye, all rise for his Honor Justice Frodo for the Federal District Court of Virginia. God Save this Court and the United States of America."

Justice Frodo used the small stool next to the chair which contained three telephone books. From this regal position he could look down into the eyes of the accused.

"Moose Howie," Frodo began, "you have been found guilty of certain crimes against humanity. It has been deemed by the members of the jury that for these crimes you shall be confined for the remainder of your life without the possibility of parole. You shall be confined in an appropriate Federal facility where you will remain in solitude for 23 hours of each day."

The pseudo-human, Moose Howie, glared back at Frodo without saying a word.

Frodo continued, "Further, this Court will instruct your Jailers to restrict you access to any media of entertainment or information. You will not be allowed visiting privileges except those guaranteed to regulatory agencies who safeguard the treatment of prisoners in civilized societies."

Moose Howie raised his eyes to Frodo and his lips began to part.

"Moose Howie, think carefully about what you are about to say, because these will be the last words you will ever utter that will be heard beyond the confines of the cell in which you will reside from this moment on. You will be outside your cell only to bathe."

The quasi-hominid was suddenly struck by the enormity of the moment, and as he paused, searching for appropriate words, Frodo smiled from ear-to-ear and ended with the following, "Moose Howie, it is the sincere wish of this Court that the bars of soap provided to you when you shower will squirt from your hands each and every day. It is hoped that those with whom you bathe will take full advantage of the opportunity provided to them daily at said moment. That Sir, should give you something to think about the other twenty-three hours of every single day."

Capital punishment be damned.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:16 PM EDT

Updated: Thursday, May 4, 2006 10:19 PM EDT

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Sunday, April 30, 2006

Lookin' For A Lover Who Won't Blow My Cover
Mood:

silly
Topic: "Media is the Message(2)"
Press Secretary Number Three has now reported for duty. Crack National News Reporter Frodo Baggins, seated to the left of Helen Thomas, waves his hand above all others by standing on his chair.

"Mr. Frodo," your hand is highest, so you will have the first question."
"Thank you Mr. Snow-Job. Can you tell us what your Father is doing today, and what his position is on an Excess Profits Tax for Big Oil Companies?"
"My father?"
"Yes, Secretary of the Treasury Mr. Snow-Job. He is your father, isn't he?"
"No that is not correct. We are unrelated."
"You mean that it is sheer happenstance that we not only have two Bushes, but we have two Snow-Jobs in the same Administration?"
"No, Boy you are confused, there is only one Bush, but there are, indeed, two Snow-Jobs, er I mean Snows."
"Now just a darn minute, you mean to tell me that there is only one Bush in the White House?"
"No, what I'm saying is that Former President Bush, who is the father of the current President, is not a member of the current Administration."
"Well duh, what I'm referring to is Laura, whom I believe goes by the moniker 'First Lady'."
"Mr. Frodo, what is your point? Everyone knows that, as the President's wife, Mrs. Bush carries a support role to the President."
"His wife? Well what about Condi calling George her husband? How many wives does Mr. Bush have?"
"I assume that the comment to which you are referring, which took place several months before I came to this office, was merely a slip of the tongue."
"A slip of the tongue? Is that anything like referring to the 'thousands of mistakes' made by the Administration in the implementation of the Pre-emptive War?"
"Well, I believe that Secretary of State Rice clarified that remark to reflect it as a characterization of the imperfection of any human endeavor."
"Characterization? Well, exactly how many mistakes has the Administration made in the implementation of this War?"
"That, Mr. Frodo, is what Secretary of State Rice said would be determined by historians."

"Now that reminds me," said Mr. Snow-Job, "I am today announcing that all further news items will be issued directly to the Faux News Network in order to gave a 'fair and balanced' presentation of the facts. Members of the Press should contact Mr. O'Reilly or Mr. Hannity for the appropriate briefing."
"What? Well, what are you going to be doing, and what happens here?," queried Frodo.
"Excellent question, from now on these briefings will be known as the Historical Perspectives. You all are invited, but be advised that there will be a test after each sesssion, and that a failing grade on more than two daily tests will result in the de-listing of your credentials. We call this 'No Journalist Left Behind.'"
"Mr. Snow-Job, exactly whose idea was this, if I may ask?"
"You may ask."

"Well?"
"Well what?"
"Well, whose idea was it?"
"Secretary of State Rice felt that a historical perspective would be of great value to the White House Press Corps."
"Well what did the President have to say?"
"He said 'Yes Dear.'"

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 12:14 PM EDT

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Saturday, April 29, 2006

Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Days of Summer
Mood:

energetic
Topic: "Cause It's One, (2)"
Pearl Sandow attended 1,889 consecutive Atlanta Braves baseball games in Atlanta between 1966 and 1989. Frodo computes that had she spent an average of $25 for tickets and sundry items at each of those games, Pearl would have invested $47,225 in the Atlanta Braves at the ballpark. Since the Major League Minimum salary is more than four times her total fiscal contribution, it is certainly unsurprising that not a single member of the Braves organization attended her Memorial Service this past Sunday.

One month shy of her 104th Birthday, the unmarried (spinster, if you will) lived most of her life in an apartment in Atlanta, and commuted to both the ballpark and her job at the Department of Housing & Urban Development. Her regular seat was in Section 105, Row 9, Seat #1, and she never missed a Braves home game until she suffered a stroke. The Braves invited her to the ballpark to celebrate her 100th birthday, but that celebration was overshadowed by the conspicuous absence of any representative from the Braves at her Memorial.

Admittedly, the gallant Braves players were in Washington to play a game, but Frodo supposes it must have been deemed unseemly for the General manager, or the Public Relations Director, shoot, why not one of the ballboys, to spend a few minutes with the 50 or so people who gathered in her honor?

At the Memorial, Hot dogs, Crackerjacks, and peanuts were served. Rather than a more traditional hymn, the attendees joined together and sang "Take Me Out to the Ballgame." The body was cremated.

Frodo hopes that her ashes are scattered at Turner Field. Perhaps some part of her will bring a tear to the eye of an Atlanta Brave. Frodo feels the same as Charlie Brown must have felt when Joe Shlabotnik didn't acknowledge his greatest, and only, fan.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:44 PM EDT

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Wednesday, April 26, 2006

I'll Never Have That Recipe Again
Mood:

hungry
Topic: "0 Preservative Added"(2)
In November 1962, while the Nation began to exhale over the Cuban Missile Crisis, Mr. Lance Nesta of Waukesha, Wisconsin, was only doing what most of us do when that inevitable gift arrives in the mail. While serving in the US Army in Alaska he received a fruitcake from his two aunts back home in Waukesha, which he promptly set aside without opening. As best he can remember he packed it with the rest of his personal belongings which were all shipped back home to Waukesha when his tour ended several years later.

More than 43 years later, last week in fact, Mr. Nesta was rummaging around in his Mother's attic and happened upon the cake, still in its' original tin and wrapped in paper.

"I was amazed that it hadn't changed at all,"
he said.

Frodo notes that when Professor Howard Carter first glanced inside the Tomb of Tutankhamun ("The Boy King") in 1922, his first words when asked what he saw inside were, "Wonderful things." Frodo additionally notes a certain similarity in Mr. Nesta's reaction to a 43-year-old fruitcake as that of Professor Carter and a 4000-year-old mummified Egyptian Pharoah.

If there is a moral to this small vignette said Frodo, it is "that no matter how you wrap it, neither a politician nor a fruitcake ever seem to change." "In fact," said Frodo, "they both are extremely difficult to swallow."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:46 PM EDT

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Tuesday, April 25, 2006

All We Are Saying Is
Mood:

chatty
Topic: "Give Heath a Chance (2)"
Joshua Chamberlain, later the President of Bowdoin College, and the boys from Maine held the field at Little Round Top in the month of July, 1863. It can be argued that they played a very important role in the preservation of the Union. Frodo is very appreciative.

138 years and 2 months later, in a field in Pennsylvania, a number of other brave men and women sacrificed themselves in a desperate struggle to prevent even greater loss of life in that same Union. Frodo stands, hand on heart, in honor of those brave souls.

People have been coming to both of those places ever since the events that burned them into our collective memory. At Little Round Top, amidst the National Park that is Gettysburg, people come to see where Pickett charged, and Lincoln spoke, and the boys from Maine charged downhill to rout the Alabamians. To the West, in that field, people come to stare at the crater where the creation of Man came into collision with the creation of God. No matter what else happened that day, everyone who comes there remembers the words "Let's roll." The reverent nature of both locations is different however, and that, dear reader, is "the rub."

That crater in that field sits on private land. Proposals have been made for the land to be purchased, jointly, by the United States Government and private donations. The appropriate Committee Chairman of the House of Representatives has taken the position to block the acquisition of the land. Arguing that the United States Government already owns more than enough of our national landscape, and that the private donations are not keeping pace with the commitment, the Congressman (from North Carolina) is acting to safeguard the American taxpayer. The Congressman has, alternatively, suggested that donated money be used to fund scholarships in Memory of those who died in that field on that day.

That Congressman, a Republican, is being challenged for re-election. Mr. Heath Shuler, former quarterback at the University of Tennessee, and the Washington Redskins, is opposing him, as a Democrat. Heath Shuler was an All-American, who received a $17 Million bonus to sign with the Redskins. He was out of football within three years. Frodo feels that he just wasn't good enough.

Frodo doesn't know very much about the campaign being waged by the aspiring Congressperson-to-be, but Frodo would support Mickey Mouse himself if it meant removing from office a Congressman who just doesn't get it.

Frodo doesn't like paying taxes. Frodo likes the idea of providing money for higher education for deserving students. But Frodo knows that it is important to pause and take note of the acts that have inspired the birth and the life of our nation.
It is only fitting that the acreage be acquired, and public access be provided for all of those who want, or need, to reflect on what happened there, on that day, and how much it means.

Frodo will write to Mr. Shuler and he will tell him that he will have the opportunity to represent much more than one small part of North Carolina. He will represent all of us who remember. Frodo, and Mr. Shuler, can use your help.

Let's roll.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:21 PM EDT

Updated: Friday, April 28, 2006 10:32 PM EDT

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Sunday, April 23, 2006

Six Days On The Road And I'm Gonna Make It Home Tonight
Mood:

caffeinated
Topic: "Frodo And Truckers (2)"
Air Transportation in Middle Earth is managed almost as well as it is designed. That, more than anything else, explains why nearly every Airline is either in Chapter XI Bankruptcy, planning to file, or is recently released. The management of these entities could be in the White House, and everybody would still think we are led by stumblebums.

Atlanta is home to the most heavily-traveled airport in all the world, with only Chicago as a serious contender as number two. Atlanta is also home to Delta Airlines, once the crown jewel of efficiency, customer satisfaction, and corporate vision. Frodo and Sam, on the advice of Clark Howard, and based on their own experience, have now returned from their round-trip to visit Bilbo for Birthday Number 88, via Southwest Airlines in-and-out of Birmingham, Alabama. They saved more than $500, and they were not threatened by a pilots' strike. That would not have been the case had they flown via the more convenient surroundings of Delta and its' "Hub" system out of Atlanta.

Frodo and Sam parked their motorcar in the remote lots at Birmingham, and paid the $56 fee when they departed Birmingham last evening. They had landed at the ungodly hour of 12:15 AM CDT, and headed directly home to the Shire, where they arrived at the pre-dawn awakenings of 4:30 AM EDT. It cost about $350 to keep Mick (the Wonder Dog), Fiona, and Georgia at Camp Kennel, and another $100 for Miss Ellyn to watch over Mr. Beau Neau and Sydney. So, by driving to Birmingham and departing non-stop via Southwest, the maintenance of the non-traveling members of the Shire was covered. The dodo-heads at Delta don't have a clue.

Aside from the management issues, Frodo and Sam were alone on an Interstate Highway in the American South in the middle of the night, again. The radio is an absolute dream of long-forgotten ballads and harmonious outpourings from artists of the genre. The fellow travelers are law enforcement officers and truckers. As Frodo approached one from the rear he would ensure that he was within the 10 MPH "grace limit" and continue his trek eastward, with a nervous Sam encouraging him not to risk the ire of Alabama's finest.

The Truckers are a different story, and Frodo remembered an erstwhile "rule of the road." When approaching from the rear, and once in the left lane to pass, it is polite to blink onto high beam for just a moment to signal the long-hauler that one is about to pass. Once you have cleared the long-hauler, he/she will blink onto high beam to tell you that you are clear to return to the right-hand lane.

Frodo has not practiced this in more than thirty years, but last night, on I-20, he did so, and about one out of every three truckers responded. "The times," as Bob Dylan sang just outside Pell City, "they are a' changin'." Frodo sang all of the words with Arlo Guthrie, and Sam smiled at the "Native Son." And, if the mood strikes you, there is always a "Waffle House" nearby, and someone to say "Come in dahlin', sit a spell."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:18 PM EDT

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Saturday, April 15, 2006

Born in The Back Seat of a Greyhound Bus, Rolling Down Highway 41
Mood:

energetic
Topic: "Bilbo's Birthday (2)"
The "Lord of the Rings" begins with Bilbo's Birthday Celebration in the Shire. In like kind, Frodo travels in the morrow to the 88th Birthday celebration in Arizona, a land far beyond the Shire, of Bilbo. For one week, Frodo will be reminded of embarrassing moments and unfulfilled dreams. Frodo will also gather information about the health and well-being of the indomitable Bilbo.

Frodo will also listen to music, read local newspapers, talk with Hobbits and Elves not known before, and try to pay attention to what is being said. There are many in their last days where Frodo goes, as well as many others who are from lands outside of Middle Earth. Frodo will try not to anticipate what one group has to say, and will do his best to understand those who speak in a foreign tongue. It is always a challenge, and it often leaves Frodo feeling lost and confused.

Frodo will accomplish one thing which will mark these days as unique. Eight years ago, one of Bilbo's sisters had found a family Bible by happenstance. She exhibited the Bible for Frodo and asked him if he knew how it could be properly returned. Since the latest entry was from a foreign land more than a half-century before, Frodo had few suggestions. He did, however, make a posting on a seemingly appropriate Internet Web-site.

A few weeks ago, Frodo received an inquiry in his Internet mail. It was from a member of the family involved. They had no knowledge of the Bible, nor of the family members recorded therein, but the link was clear. These Hobbits are thrilled with the find, and Frodo will arrange to send it directly to them while he is at the celebration of Bilbo's birthday.

They also make very good Margaritas in Arizona, or so Frodo has been told. Frodo will report his findings in due course.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:47 PM EDT

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Wednesday, April 12, 2006

I Beg Your Pardon, I Never Promised You a Rose Garden
Mood:

smelly
Topic: "Flower Power (2)"
In the back of the Shire, just beyond the last of the azaleas, and hidden beneath an old dogwood, a patch of Crested Dwarf Iris have taken hold. Now in full bloom the pale blue miniature stands atop a separate two-inch stalk which offer each of them to the Sun. Inside there is a streak of yellow and a flash of purple on each petal. So small, so delicate, this is Frodo's favorite wildflower.

Frodo first noticed a patch of these wildflowers growing in the gravel alongside a road that was about to be paved. Clearly, the wildflowers were to be thoughtlessly sacrificed to the smoother drive of the motor cars that seem to multiply when asphalt appears. Tactically confident that he was not disturbing someone else's property, or moving something from the native wild, Frodo appeared with a flat shovel and a batch of that yesterday's newspaper. Gently, he removed the connected rhizomes as if they were the very definition of the word fragile.

The plants, wrapped in wet newspaper (thereby disproving almost any valueless charge offered by the Administration relative to the "liberal media"), accompanied Frodo on his return trip to the Shire. The first bed proved adequate, but over time the patch did not spread, and the flowers began to disappear. Frodo noted that, in the wild, the Crested Dwarves seemed to thrive in a shadier spot than that which he had chosen in the Shire. He moved them again. Unfortunately, that choice also yielded a further decline.

Finally, Frodo settled on the present location, which mixes periods of full sunshine with periods of full shade, with successful blossoming and a spreading patch as the result. Frodo looks admiringly at these gifts from the woodland and contemplates both their beauty and the lesson that something so fragile represents. When you take things out of the natural order, you had better be prepared to make adjustments time and again.

Doesn't say much for somebody who wants to "stay the course," does it?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:36 PM EDT

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Monday, April 10, 2006

Do You Remember When We Used to Sing Sha-La-La-La-La-La
Mood:

not sure
Topic: "I Believe in Music (2)"
Oktoberfest 2000, Frodo and Sam are in Munich. It is pouring down rain, but the excited travelers are not about to let a little moisture get in their way. Unfortunately, everyone else who had made it to Munich was saying exactly the same thing. Undaunted, Frodo led the way to an open door and a weary and wet but merry band stumbled into the venue sponsored by Lowenbrau. There must have been 10,000 wet Citizens of Middle Earth in there, but none of them were as thirsty as Frodo.

Once the beer began to flow, Frodo began to explore. Amid the hustle of the crowd there stood a band on the stage.

"Listen Sam, they're about to start," said Frodo. "You are about to get your first lesson in Ooompah-pah-pah."

"Heeeyyy Babeee, I wanna know-oh-oh, Will you be my girl?"

Frodo was in shock, the band was playing and singing, in English, a great old soul song from the US of A. What was most amazing however, was the fact that the entire crowd was singing along, in English. Frodo and Sam joined in, and the mostly young crowd from all over the world was firmly united in celebration and sweet soul music.

This past weekend the Rolling Stones made their first appearance, ever, on the Chinese Mainland. Despite the desire of the political leadership in China to censor the now 60 year-old Mick Jagger and Friends, the Stones were unperturbed. After all, they operate from a play-list of more than 400 songs.

Frodo was struck by the crowd outside waiting to gain entry to the concert, all of whom were singing, albeit in that unique Chinese dialect, "I Can't Get No Satisfaction." Frodo recalled the time in Munich and how he assumed, once again, that music was a great uniter of people, despite the best efforts of religion and politicians to undo that which brings people together.

The Chinese Government has announced the attending crowd at 8,500, and that it was mostly composed of "expatriates." Frodo paused, for he realized that he had made an assumption without knowing the relevant facts. That is what George W. Bush does, so Frodo decided he'd better further analyze the preamble of his theory of unity by rock-and-roll.

American television, particularly commercials, have been shown around the world, and for people who've never opened a can of beer, it looks like something they'd like to try. Just as Frodo once danced with the older teenagers on "American Bandstand," he is sure that kids in Lithuania are doing hip-hop with "50 Cent," this very moment. Frodo truly believes that young people in Iran are wearing make-up, and sports bras.

He just can't prove it. The proof is if the generation in power ever gives them all the opportunity to "get down" together. Peace just may have a chance.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:38 PM EDT

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Saturday, April 8, 2006

Children Get Older, I'm Getting Older Too
Mood:

cool
Topic: "Barbed Wire Escape (2)"
There was a time when entry into any male dorm room in America would be the same no matter which way one turned. There would always be one of two, or perhaps both, posters displayed somewhere in the room. Raquel Welch, starring in the Movie "One Million Years B.C.," would thrust her silicon-guided missiles into the eye of the beholder in one of those posters. Head turned slightly to the right, animal skin teasingly clinging to one of two legs, as the head of a T Rex appears menacingly behind her (Strange that even though Frodo was never required to memorize said details, they remain locked in place).

The other poster was of a man, on an airborne motorcycle, wearing a cut-off sweat shirt and chino pants, leaping toward freedom. Steve McQueen, in "The Great Escape," was attempting to clear the barbed-wire barrier between Germany and Switzerland, while Nazi soldiers were hot in pursuit.

In his days at the College of the Shire, Frodo wanted to be Steve McQueen when he grew up. No man, much less an actor, epitomized the unbridled independence and coolness of Steve McQueen. As time passed, Frodo realized that it was more the character than it was the man whom he so admired.

Frodo recalls these memories because of an e-mail he received from an internet friend, i.e. a soul-mate whose face he will never know. The e-mail mentioned the passing of Squadron Leader Eric Foster, age 102, at his home in England. It seems that Eric Foster had survived the crash of his Wellington Bomber in Germany in 1940. Subsequently, he escaped from various prison camps on seven occasions. He ended up in Stalag Luft III, from whence he was released in 1945 when he convinced his captors that he was insane.

Eric Foster was the inspiration for the character portrayed by Steve McQueen in the movie, "The Great Escape," or so the story goes. McQueen, by the way, died of lung cancer in 1980 at the age of 50.

If, indeed, Foster was the inspiration for the movie, then Frodo owes him a great debt. Frodo refuses however to accept the iconoclastic image of some squirrely Limey as his hero "Hills." McQueen spent countless hours in "the Cooler" bouncing his baseball off the wall, driving his Nazi guards to distraction. McQueen and James Garner organized a special Fouth of July celebration for the entire camp at Stalag Luft III. McQueen raced motorcycles, not horses. No Limey, including the heroic Mr. Foster, could have been "Hills."

Only Steve Mcqueen, or perhaps Frodo.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:44 PM EDT

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