Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Dragons Live Forever, But Not So Little Boys
Mood:

sad
Topic: "Goodbye Kids (2)"
The sponsors included Tootsie Roll Pops and Bond Bread ("Helps Build Strong Bodies 8 Ways"--later upped to 12). The characters were Flub-a-Dub, Mr. Bluster, Chief Thunderthud, Princess Summerfallwinterspring, Dilly Dally, Buffalo Bob, Howdy Doody, and of course, Clarabelle. They performed every Saturday morning live from "Doodyville," in black-and-white, right there in front of the Peanut Gallery. Frodo was a regular in front of that tube, and he laughed with everyone else his age who wanted to spray soda water into the face of an evil sibling or two.

Frodo remembers so much of the show, not out of nostalgia, but because of the relevance that the nomenclature has on Middle Earth, even today. "Peanut Gallery" is a term that, if you listen long enough, will be heard almost every day in conversation. "Howdy Doody," as a reflection of a political leader whose strings are pulled by unseen forces, is particularly appropriate. Those formative years, for Frodo, included the magic of storytelling and imagination sprinkled with a dose of comedy and a number of clowns.

Frodo was not there to say "Goodbye Clarabelle" when Mr. Lew Anderson spoke the first and only words the mute character voiced at the end of the final show in 1960. Frodo had gotten too big to ride on that dragon's tail.

Mr. Anderson, age 84, died from prostate cancer earlier this week. Although he was not the first one to play that role (Bob Keeshan, later "Captain Kangaroo" was first), he was the last. The two words reflected in our Topic this evening were the only words to accompany the bicycle horns as communication tools.

Funny, it is, thought Frodo, that he feels badly about not watching that final show. It is as if
he walked away without saying "Thank You" to someone who had offered him the gift of laughter.

"Goodbye Clarabelle."

"Thank You."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:14 PM EDT

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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Make Your Own Kind of Music, Sing Your Own Special Song
Mood:

a-ok
Topic: "Commencement (2)"
The microphone was properly lowered and Frodo stepped up onto the stool conveniently hidden behind the lectern. He gazed about the audience and noticed the tassel swinging in front of his eyelids. He had never imagined that anything could be so distracting.

"Members of the 2006 Graduating Class of the College of the Shire, my name is Frodo Baggins. How do you do." With perfect inflection in that sentence, Frodo saw the attendees loosen to this speaker dressed in black. It was as if Johnny Cash had entered the room followed by the inmates of Folsom Prison.

"You are the generation who inherits the largest debt in the history of Middle Earth. On top of that you will be expected to support and care for the remnant of the largest population explosion in all history. It should also be noted that your college loans are now due and payable."

There was some snickering from the parents and guests. The students were not laughing.

"To the South there is a growing tide of socialist governments spawning class resentment against you, the wealthiest of all peoples. Across the sea there are those who control vast resources on which the indistries you are about to lead depend. They are uninhibited in their desire to drain your wealth and threaten your strandard of living. Scattered all about this planet are those who feel that you have disrespected their faith, and dishonored their societies. They are willing to die to cause you anguish."

The silence was deep. All attention was riveted on Frodo.

"You enter into a future that faces planetary limits on natural resources, sustenance, and space. The capacity to destroy nearly all of life rests in the hands of many, nearly all of whom are emotionally unreliable."

Frodo removed the mortar board from his head, and wiped his brow with the sleeve of his gown. He peered across the lectern just as he had seen Martin Luther King do so many times.

"Until this day, you have hidden behind your IPod and ignored the cries around you. You have yellow stickers on the trunks of the cars your daddies gave you, just to show that you 'support our troops'. Less than 1 of every thousand of you will join them. Some of you will leave this place and go to the City of Orleans to help people re-build their lives. Most of you are on you way to Cancun."

The College President and the faculty members were nervously avoiding eye contact with Frodo, and beads of sweat were on every forehead.

"You are no different in your disingenuous approach to the challenges you face than was Frodo when he walked through those doors behind you. The difference between us is that no one said that to Frodo. Somehow Frodo avoided the rice paddies, the violence in the streets, the resentment of those who wished him ill. Frodo has lived much longer than he ever figured he would, and for that he is grateful. He is happiest that it was in his time, and not in yours."

Frodo turned to the President of the College of the Shire, and smiled as he said, "And I am sure that the distinguished faculty is pleased that as I conclude my remarks," and he offered a long and pregnant pause, "I simply want you to know that despite the inventions, the discoveries, and yes, the creations of your generation, you will not offer even a dime's worth of difference as if you had merely walked out of these doors and just kept walking a la Forrest Gump."

"Sauron has the ring. For all his effort Frodo failed to keep you safe. You have no chance if you fail to destroy the evil about you. Frodo will continue to do all he can, but the task, fellow Hobbits is one you must complete."

Frodo stepped off the stool and shook the hand of Gandalf. The Fellowship was all about, and Frodo knew that the journey to Mount Doom was far from over.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:53 PM EDT

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Monday, May 15, 2006

Like a Dog Without a Bone
Mood:

hug me
Topic: "Bill and Hillary (2)"
Frodo noticed the lump while scratching the tummy of Mick, the Wonder Dog. Fatty lumps seem to occur with a great deal of frequency on good-sized male dogs, and Frodo knew that, but it didn't keep him from worrying. He held Sam's hand and guided it to the point where he had discovered the lump. Sam assured Frodo that since Mick, the Wonder Dog, was already due for "his shots," that taking him to the Vet's office would promptly put his mind at ease.

Mick and Fiona grew up together. Fiona was only six weeks old when she was adopted from a "No Kill" shelter, and she was quickly accepted by Frodo, Sam, and the marvelous Lovey. Lovey, also adopted from a shelter, had been spayed as the rules required, so Fiona was the closest thing she had ever had to a puppy, and she was a "handful" for an aging Border Collie. Mick, the Wonder Dog, is six months younger than Fiona, and he was brought into the Shire to take some of the "puppy pressure" off of Lovey, and to give Fiona a dose of her own medicine.

Mick, the Wonder Dog, was gangly and uncoordinated, but was always ready to scuffle with Fiona. The friendship grew concomitantly. Today, they are inseparable. When Fiona barks in distress, often for sheer devilment, Mick, the Wonder Dog, comes to her defense at full speed. When Mick, the Wonder Dog, barks an alarm, Fiona comes like an assault vehicle in pursuit of insurgent terrorists. They investigate together, they explore together, and they even take naps at the same time of day.

Sam told Frodo that Fiona was upset that Mick, the Wonder Dog, went into the Vet's office alone, and when he emerged back into the waiting motorcar she lit into him as if he had committed a Cardinal Sin. He is never to go into any situation without her to cover his butt. One never knows what a Vet may try to do when you are looking in another direction.

Sam reported that the Vet examined the lump and showed Sam the chart he keeps which marks any anomaly on Mick, the Wonder Dog. The lump was one of three, previously marked, that had shown little cause for concern since first they appeared.

Frodo had a bit of dust in his eye. So did Fiona.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:14 PM EDT

Updated: Monday, May 15, 2006 9:42 PM EDT

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Sunday, May 14, 2006

And There Was Thunder, Thunder
Mood:

suave
Topic: "Tullahoma Tequila (2)"
Dogwood Energy was a seller of pellets for wood stoves until gasoline prices quadrupled under the divine leadership of George W. Bush. Now they market stills to be used as private distilleries for the production of ethanol, which is, as we will all soon know, nothing more than 190 proof grain alcohol (Frodo vaguely remembers a concoction called "Purple Passion," very vaguely). It should be noted that the assembly warehouse is less than five miles from the distillery that makes JACK DANIELS whiskey, and is smack dab in the middle of what was the center of the moonshine industry for over 100 years.

Each still stands about 6 feet tall, and costs about $1400 retail. It costs about 75 cents per gallon to make a gallon of grain alcohol (er, Frodo means ethanol). Adding ethanol to a gas tank that is 80% filled will therefore save a consumer approximately 60 cents per gallon for a full tank.

Any modern-day car can run on a mixture of 15 percent grain alcohol (darn, Frodo mis-speaks again, ethanol). More than 30 models of new "flex-fuel" trucks, SUV's, and autos can use up to 85 percent ethanol. In these instances, it is known as "E85."

The National Petroleum Institute is all for adding ethanol to gasoline, however they would prefer that it be "blended" by professionals. Although no customers have, as yet, reported accidents with the stills, safety considerations are the stated concern of the representatives of the oil companies.

Frodo senses a growing conspiracy. Purchasers of the stills need a federal permit to make grain alcohol (rats, there we go again, Frodo surely means ethanol or E85). In what amounts to an "honor system," the buyers are supposed to add poison to the "ethanol," so that it will not be "consumable." Frodo notes that grain alcohol sells for more than $5 per quart. Utilizing his abacus, Frodo feels that the production of grain alcohol would produce a greater potential economic return than would E85.

By the same token, the American Petroleum Institute is not looking to lessen the income of its membership. Frodo has this mind picture of the "Oil Police" chasing Robert Mitchum, who is driving a 1957 Chevy full of E85 in plastic jugs, through the hills of East Tennessee.

Frodo is noting that a lot of land that used to lay in tobacco is now in corn, apples, or sugar cane. Frodo wonders what part of the "economic recovery" this represents?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:37 PM EDT

Updated: Tuesday, May 16, 2006 11:54 PM EDT

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Thursday, May 11, 2006

You Can't Hide Your Lyin' Eyes
Mood:

loud
Topic: "Qwest For Truth (2)"
It is not an every day occurence when Frodo stands back and looks, admiringly, at artificial intelligence. In this case, an artificial entity, created for the purpose of doing business, has acted responsibly and in the public interest. The motivation, Frodo grants, may have been something other than pure honor, but the result is worthy of his respect. Tomorrow, should someone from Qwest Communications call Frodo and offer him the opportunity to switch his telephony services, he would suffer any financial hardship and do business with this server.

Sauron has rushed to defend another indefensible enhancement of executive authority. The information amassed under the latest abuse of power was gathered from Verizon, AT&T, and BellSouth (it should be noted that the latter two are in merger negotiations subject to Federal approval). Qwest was similarly approached to provide data and chose not to do so. It was the legal interpretation of those enacting in behalf of this articial creation that to do so would be in violation of the law.

"Law," said Frodo, "that is a very strange word, isn't it?" "It seems to carry the connotation that there is a determinant factor that goes beyond the individual judgment of any elected official, no matter what Supreme Entity has endowed that individual with authority."

Sauron, alas, has the ring. Gandalf, Aragorn and the Citizens of Middle Earth stand before the Black Gate, preparing to face the Orcs hand-to-hand. Frodo and Sam face Smeagol and every hardship in their ascent of Mount Doom. It is an ominous time. It is heartening when help comes from an unexpected source.

Thank you artificial entity known as Qwest Communications. You serve us all.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:26 PM EDT

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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

She Had Bette Davis Eyes
Mood:

celebratory
Topic: "Can She Name Them?(2)"
Wook Kundor of Malaysia got married this past week to Muhamad Noor Che Musa. Despite the importance of such a happy event in the lives of two people half-a-world away, Frodo would normally not have paid much attention to the news. He was struck however, by the fact that this was the 21st time that Ms. Kundor had been escorted down the aisle.

Additional analysis revealed another interesting statistic or two. Ms Kundor, it seems, is 104 years old. That certainly begged a question about whether or not her father gave the bride away? Frodo has been surfing the Internet for the last several days, unsuccessfully it should be noted, in order to determine what exactly is the status of husbands 1-20.

Mr. Musa, on the other hand, was being wed for the first time. That, really, is not very surprising since he is just 33 years of age. Frodo, in all due honesty, began to make a few assumptions about what motivated the happy couple to pursue nuptial bliss.

Mr. Musa stated that he found peace and a sense of belonging with his new bride, after first sympathizing with her for being childless, old, alone, and poor. "Mutual respect and friendship turned to love," he offered to reporters. "I am not after her money, she is poor."

After thinking about this for several minutes Frodo opined that Ms. Kundor-Musa must make a terrific "Mango Stew." Alternatively, she may have once been a member of the Malaysian Olympic Gymnastic Team.

Regardless, Frodo thinks that the finger of Ms. Kundor-Musa is an appropriate place to place a ring. May their time together be filled with happiness (as well as a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records).

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:18 PM EDT

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Tuesday, May 9, 2006

On The Cover of The Rolling Stone
Mood:

don't ask
Topic: "Frodo Not Foggo (2)"
Frodo sat down with a piece of paper and a pencil. It was clear that he was trying to make a list and to interconnect the facts in that list in order to make a point. It was also clear that it was a very difficult task. Peering over his shoulder, some of the following could be observed:
"1. Number three guy quits after involvement in poker games where government employees were allowed to win in order to pay for hookers;"

"2. Guy fired by Goss will re-join in order to be top deputy of Hayden;"

"3. President gives word-for-word identical endorsement speech for Hayden that he gave for Goss two years ago;"

"4. Agency has no 'human intelligence' emanating from country that was targeted as a threat 27 years ago, and subsequently named by Bush as part of "Evil Axis';"

"5. Sign outside agency HQ in Langley carries wording 'George Bush Center for Intelligence';"

"6. Goss Top Deputy in Iraq when Boss announces 'Resignation';"

"7. Senator Chambliss from Georgia known as 'Rubberstamp' for his blind obedience to Bush publicly questions nomination of Hayden;"

"8. Hayden states that had the US utilized wiretap procedures against al Qaeda, prior to 9/11, tragedy might have been averted, but no one seems to wonder why we would've been utilizing domestic surveillance at all at that time;"

"9. Goss gave up secure House seat and Committee leadership in order to re-structure CIA."

Frodo slowly pushed his chair back from the table and began to walk around the room with the paper in his hand while the TV carried the continuing string of befuddling news from around the world. He stopped when he heard the talking head say that "The President responded to the questions of his 'best day' and his 'worst day' by noting that his 'best day' was when he caught a seven-and-a-half-pound largemouth bass in his lake in Crawford. He identified his 'worst day' as 9/11."

Frodo balled up the piece of paper and threw it at the TV.

The Men of Gondor and the Riders from Rohan continue to stand before the Orcs. They have done so longer than the UN face-off against the Chinese Communists in the Korean War. They have been there almost as long as the United States remained at War with the Germans in World War II. 75% of these men believe they should withdraw by year's end.

The President believes resolution will come with his successor.

Maybe Dick Cheney should take Bush on a quail hunt?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:23 PM EDT

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Monday, May 8, 2006

I Just Gotta Get a Message to You, Hold On
Mood:

irritated
Topic: "Frodo of Arabia(2)"
"My name," he said, "is Frodo Abdullah al-Jimsonweed and I am Shi'ia."

"I am Frodo Baggins of the Shire," came the response.

"Have you ever watched the movie 'Lawrence of Arabia', I mean have you ever watched and listened to the story behind the movie?"

"Well sure, Peter O'Toole and Omar Sharif aside, it is an outstanding chronicle of the continuing disasters of British Colonialism that hound the world a century later."

"What do you mean effendi?"

"I mean that from the Indian Sub-Continent around to Sub-Saharan Africa and through to Palestine and Persia the British of the 19th and 20th centuries were there to exploit natural resources. The meddling of these Europeans in the affairs of tribal peoples is at the heart of every major 'hot spot' in today's geopolitical realm."

"Does it not give you concern effendi, that the British now stand with the Americans in support of their 'positions,' if you will?"

"Of course it does. It seems as if Tony (aka 'The Poodle') Blair feels he has to act to justify the gross incompetence of the Americans in each of these locations."

"Don't you realize effendi that there is no Iraq? The role portrayed by Sharif in 'Lawrence' was that of the first man put in charge of the artificial creation of the British."

"Frodo is very aware of your point. Iraq was India before the birth of Pakistan. Iraq was Yugoslavia, held together only by a tyrannical leader."

"Was, effendi?"

"Well let me turn the tables on you Imam, do you think Iraq is a viable nation-state?"

"Nation-state! Is this a serious question? Iraq is as artificial as the military service record of George W. Bush. Iraq existed only because of the tyranny which one religious group used to persecute another. Once the tyrant no longer existed there was nothing cohesive amongst the peoples."

"Then, Imam, I suppose you question why the Americans would commit so much of their most precious resources to the ideal of 'Freedom' as a unifier?"

"I question nothing effendi. I understand."

"Oh? Would you explain your understanding of that which seems so inexplicable to so much of the world?"

"Effendi, the late astronomer from your Cornell University, Carl Sagan (The Dragons of Eden), wrote that if Aristotle, the greatest thinker of all civilizations, should return to this life today, and were he to continue living to a natural end, that he would not be able to assimilate all of the technological changes which have occurred since his death. He would, however, utilize no more than twenty minutes in order to learn all that Man has learned about human behavior."

"I suppose Imam, that you feel that the 'Neo-Cons' who devised this strategy, despite their scholarly credentials, didn't have a clue about the cause-and-effect of human interaction?"

"Effendi, someday, history books will look at the purveyors of these times in much the same way that we remember the 'White Man's Burden,' 'Manifest Destiny,' and 'Separate But Equal'."

"Peace be with you Imam."

"And you, halfling."

Frodo of the Shire knows the pain of T.E. Lawrence. Frodo Abdullah al-Jimsonweed knows the treachery that befell him.

As Shakespeare implied, it is the same lines spoken only by different actors upon the stage that is Middle Earth.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:35 PM EDT

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Thursday, May 4, 2006

Rock My Soul In The Bosom of Abraham, O Rock My Soul
Mood:

down
Topic: "Crime and Punishment(2)"
"Hear ye, Hear ye, all rise for his Honor Justice Frodo for the Federal District Court of Virginia. God Save this Court and the United States of America."

Justice Frodo used the small stool next to the chair which contained three telephone books. From this regal position he could look down into the eyes of the accused.

"Moose Howie," Frodo began, "you have been found guilty of certain crimes against humanity. It has been deemed by the members of the jury that for these crimes you shall be confined for the remainder of your life without the possibility of parole. You shall be confined in an appropriate Federal facility where you will remain in solitude for 23 hours of each day."

The pseudo-human, Moose Howie, glared back at Frodo without saying a word.

Frodo continued, "Further, this Court will instruct your Jailers to restrict you access to any media of entertainment or information. You will not be allowed visiting privileges except those guaranteed to regulatory agencies who safeguard the treatment of prisoners in civilized societies."

Moose Howie raised his eyes to Frodo and his lips began to part.

"Moose Howie, think carefully about what you are about to say, because these will be the last words you will ever utter that will be heard beyond the confines of the cell in which you will reside from this moment on. You will be outside your cell only to bathe."

The quasi-hominid was suddenly struck by the enormity of the moment, and as he paused, searching for appropriate words, Frodo smiled from ear-to-ear and ended with the following, "Moose Howie, it is the sincere wish of this Court that the bars of soap provided to you when you shower will squirt from your hands each and every day. It is hoped that those with whom you bathe will take full advantage of the opportunity provided to them daily at said moment. That Sir, should give you something to think about the other twenty-three hours of every single day."

Capital punishment be damned.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:16 PM EDT

Updated: Thursday, May 4, 2006 10:19 PM EDT

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Sunday, April 30, 2006

Lookin' For A Lover Who Won't Blow My Cover
Mood:

silly
Topic: "Media is the Message(2)"
Press Secretary Number Three has now reported for duty. Crack National News Reporter Frodo Baggins, seated to the left of Helen Thomas, waves his hand above all others by standing on his chair.

"Mr. Frodo," your hand is highest, so you will have the first question."
"Thank you Mr. Snow-Job. Can you tell us what your Father is doing today, and what his position is on an Excess Profits Tax for Big Oil Companies?"
"My father?"
"Yes, Secretary of the Treasury Mr. Snow-Job. He is your father, isn't he?"
"No that is not correct. We are unrelated."
"You mean that it is sheer happenstance that we not only have two Bushes, but we have two Snow-Jobs in the same Administration?"
"No, Boy you are confused, there is only one Bush, but there are, indeed, two Snow-Jobs, er I mean Snows."
"Now just a darn minute, you mean to tell me that there is only one Bush in the White House?"
"No, what I'm saying is that Former President Bush, who is the father of the current President, is not a member of the current Administration."
"Well duh, what I'm referring to is Laura, whom I believe goes by the moniker 'First Lady'."
"Mr. Frodo, what is your point? Everyone knows that, as the President's wife, Mrs. Bush carries a support role to the President."
"His wife? Well what about Condi calling George her husband? How many wives does Mr. Bush have?"
"I assume that the comment to which you are referring, which took place several months before I came to this office, was merely a slip of the tongue."
"A slip of the tongue? Is that anything like referring to the 'thousands of mistakes' made by the Administration in the implementation of the Pre-emptive War?"
"Well, I believe that Secretary of State Rice clarified that remark to reflect it as a characterization of the imperfection of any human endeavor."
"Characterization? Well, exactly how many mistakes has the Administration made in the implementation of this War?"
"That, Mr. Frodo, is what Secretary of State Rice said would be determined by historians."

"Now that reminds me," said Mr. Snow-Job, "I am today announcing that all further news items will be issued directly to the Faux News Network in order to gave a 'fair and balanced' presentation of the facts. Members of the Press should contact Mr. O'Reilly or Mr. Hannity for the appropriate briefing."
"What? Well, what are you going to be doing, and what happens here?," queried Frodo.
"Excellent question, from now on these briefings will be known as the Historical Perspectives. You all are invited, but be advised that there will be a test after each sesssion, and that a failing grade on more than two daily tests will result in the de-listing of your credentials. We call this 'No Journalist Left Behind.'"
"Mr. Snow-Job, exactly whose idea was this, if I may ask?"
"You may ask."

"Well?"
"Well what?"
"Well, whose idea was it?"
"Secretary of State Rice felt that a historical perspective would be of great value to the White House Press Corps."
"Well what did the President have to say?"
"He said 'Yes Dear.'"

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 12:14 PM EDT

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