Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Sunday, January 7, 2007

The County Judge Held a Grudge For The Band On The Run
Mood:

cheeky
Topic: "Hold On Romo" (2)

Frodo's disdain for the State of Texas is well-documented. Chronologically, Frodo's opinion begins in San Antonio, where the Alamo is designated as the sacred symbol of the independence won from Mexico. Davy Crockett, Sam Houston, and a countless number of the other participants, were from Tennessee. Most Texans were too chicken-hearted to even take a break from their busy schedules. Geologically speaking, Texas is an ugly stretchmark upon the body of the United States. Were it not for the petroleum deposits and the cattle trails passing through the state, there would be absolutely no reason for any human or halfling to consider anything other than transit through this wretched, treeless entrance to Hell.

The only United States Secretary of the Treasury to declare personal bankruptcy was a Texan, John Connolly. The President of the United States who first created deficit spending in a vain attempt to maintain both "guns and butter" was a Texan, Lyndon Johnson. The worst traffic jam in the history of the United States occurred during the government-sponsored evacuation from Houston preceding Hurricane Wilma in October, 2006. All of these facts, and undoubtedly thousands more, pall before the reality that the only President of the United States to do damage to our country, who is by every imaginable standard the worst President we have ever known, is also a Texan. Frodo is content not even mentioning the moron's name.

Frodo has often said that the only good thing coming out of the State of Texas is the highway sign that says "You are Now Leaving." Frodo particularly dislikes the Dallas Cowboys Football Team, an organization arrogant enough to call itself "America's Team." Frodo exhibits his dark side when he revels in the disgrace of the Cowboys on national television, in front of God and country. Yesterday was one such day, and Frodo's celebration continues even now.

The arrogant and ignorant fans of the Cowboys were in love with a rookie quarterback named Tony Romo. Given their lack of knowledge, they were attempting to elevate him to sainthood for having done relatively well in a few games early in the season. Every Texas sweetie with chemically-enhanced glands was hot for the new hero. That is, until yesterday.

In case you didn't see it, Frodo has the scene laminated for future viewing. It shows Romo mis-handling the snap from center just as the Cowboys were attempting to kick a game-winning field goal. He was tackled with the ball in his possession, and the Cowboys lost the game, eliminating themselves from the Championship Play-Offs.

He walked, all alone, back to the clubhouse, and not one single teammate was shown even trying to console the kid.

Class act, eh? The eyes of Texas are on Tony Romo, and their minds are in the gutter.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 6:33 PM EST

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Saturday, January 6, 2007

These Are Honky Tonk Women
Mood:

flirty
Topic: "So Who's Sluggo?" (2)

Frodo has been considering the inevitability of politics in America, and how even the noblest always seem to be something else when history fully examines the corpus of the times. John Fitzgerald Kennedy, who energized a nation, and brought a generation to ask what they could do to help, was probably sexually active with a bimbo sponsored by the Mafia. Ronald Reagan, who made it politic to be patriotic, and initiated a revolution in political implementation, most probably violated the law and his Constitutional authority. Universally, politicial leaders of all shapes and sizes have succumbed to the call of pecuniary and glandular interests. This has caused Frodo to wonder about the sudden and marked presence of the feminine gender in positions of power, and what may happen in the days, and weeks, and months, and years to come.

"Madame President?"

"Yes Mr. Smeagol, what can I do for you?"

"Madame President, I was once a mere Hobbit, now I am here to inform you of a matter of great concern to your loyal supporters in the Shire."

"I see, and what might this entail?"

"Madame President, as you know, your support during the last election included an astounding percentage of registered voters in the Shire, and contributions by working Hobbits to your political campaign were far above the average of all Middle Earth."

"I am aware of the generous support of my constituents in the Shire. Your President is grateful. What is it that you seek, Mr. Smeagol?"

"Madame President, have you ever toured the Godiva Chocolate Factory? One of my business associates is arranging a weekend for certain favored consumers and friends of the company to bathe in the luxury of the finest designer chocolates in the world, and your friends in the Shire would be honored to arrange for you to join us."

"Godiva, you say? Hmmm, one of my favorite products of the Shire. However, I believe we stray from my question?"

"Madame President, I appreciate your focus, and wonder if you wouldn't like to perhaps attend an Armani Fashion Show after the factory tour? Given your exquisite taste, it would be an inspirational opportunity to review the contributions of American business to the growing economic trends in our nation."

"Armani? A Fashion Show??

"Excuse me, Madame President?"

(Enter, stage left, the President's Chief of Staff, Prince William, Son of the Prince of Wales, who has been in attendance, but busily polishing his saber during the conduct of the meeting).

"Yes Billy?"

"Madame President, it might be fortuitous to associate yourself with the upcoming product line of this nature. The economic benefit to a loyal constituent, the image of an aggressive and successful effort within a growing economy, and, undoubtedly, the gratitude of a corporate sponsor, all are positives to your re-election campaign," said the young man with the rounded buttocks.

"Madame President, if I may?," added Smeagol.

"You may."

"We can also arrange for selected gowns and accessories to be made available to you for specific State occasions. . ."

"What accessories?"

"Oh, trifles to be sure. Tiaras, a few bracelets, a brooch or two, all tastefully garnished in semi-precious stones. Nothing too ornate. Just something to make sure that there is no repeat of the infamous Laura Bush and two other red dresses at the same affair at the White House."

"I remember that, of course. These would be loaners, and I would be under no obligation?"

"But of course, all strictly on the up-and-up, and with absolutely no strings attached. In fact, you will probably never even remember anything about the donors. They will never bring it up. They have enough on their mind with that silly little issue with the IRS."

"What issue?"

"Oh, it's nothing. it seems that the IRS had some minor questions about their working relationship with the Godiva people. It's nothing really."

"Do you think we should have Billy look into it for us?"

"I think that might be good business."

"Okay, now what was the issue on your mind?"

"Oh forget about it, you're far too busy for such a trivial matter now, someday I'll simply make you an offer you can't refuse."

(The President exits, stage right, with a box of bon-bons).

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:25 PM EST

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Friday, January 5, 2007

Give Me The Beat Boys And Free My Soul
Mood:

lazy
Topic: "Writer's Block" (2)

Frodo gets irritated at little things, simply because they mar the natural order. For the second time, Frodo spent precious mental resources on a compositon to enthrall y'all and the damn thing disappeared into the ethernet. After careful review, so begins Frodo and the NFL Head Linesman who reviews the challenged play once a red flag is thrown, it has been determined that Frodo did not pay close enough attention to the fine print explaining how to edit a composition previously posted, then to return the corrected posting to the blue screen post edit. He got in a rush and didn't read the damn directions.

One might think that the composition was a baby, and that Frodo was frantically searching everywhere for the missing toddler. If so, dear reader, then you would not be far from the truth. What irritates Frodo is he knows that the damn thing is out there, just beyond his grasp, and he can't quite bring it back to where it belongs. So he gets mad, and he goes on strike.

That should adequately explain a few days of silence.

Should anyone out there discover a mindless composition entitled "Moovin' on up," please return to Frodo.

Sam thinks this is funny.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:03 PM EST

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Monday, January 1, 2007

After Midnight, We Gonna Let It All Hang Out
Mood:

vegas lucky
Topic: "Trekking Mount Doom" (2)

Frodo is not a party animal, at least not any more. Difficult it becomes to not only extend one's dietary discipline to accommodate the caloric increases brought about by fudge, cookies, and special libations, but to expect an automatic capacity to observe the AM hours which in recent times have become the reservation spot for reports of drive-by shootings. Frodo, quite frankly, feels as if he has experienced the last of his side bar glances to watch Dick Clark count down the seconds to the beginning of another New Year. Frodo will, as his observations have told him, soon be more concerned about joining the 4 o'clock seating at the "Piccadilly Cafeteria."

It will be refreshing to return to the somewhat more disciplined workaday world on the morrow. Despite the declaration of a "National Day of Mourning," and the subsequent closures of government and postal offices, Frodo will return to his trek up Mount Doom. Joined by Mick, the Wonder Dog, in the early morning for a run around the Keheley Elementary Gulag (why do schools still look like prisons?), Frodo will separate himself from his constant companion of the past few weeks, and drive, alone, in his motorcar to face the struggle against Sauron and the Orcs. Separation anxiety is in both of their eyes.

Frodo knows that, come this time a year from now, the struggle will be on-going, despite the Iraq Study Group, the tide of public opinion, or the number of vacation days spent clearing brush in Crawford. Frodo will return to the Shire every evening to re-energize with all the creatures of the Shire, simply because it is what he must do, as long as he can. He will spend much time listening and observing the words and the deeds of those who would replace Sauron. He will garner information from Richard Engel, Laura Logan, Tom Friedman, Tim Russert, Keith Olbermann, Chris Matthews, Christiane Amanpour, David Gergen, Pat Buchanan, Richard Brooks, and Gandalf himself; all of whom impress Frodo with an over-riding effort to put hard facts to the test against hurried and uninformed half-truth. He will intersperse his own adventures with a satirical switch to the ass of those who have gotten our small blue planet into such a, well, "malaise" sounds like the best word at this point in time.

Frodo looks to the New Year, grimly. These will not be good or easy times. Good men and women will die, for little cause. Evil will permeate the indulgences of those who separate themselves from the suffering. Calamity will befall innocence without mercy. Without Sam and the Brotherhood of the Ring, the Hobbit would have no choice but to withdraw from the daunting task of rising a just and able ruler from the ashes. Frodo knows that he must not fail. It is just that each step gets a little heavier than the last. The light still breaks below the horizon.

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:36 PM EST

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Sunday, December 31, 2006

Everything I Do, I Do It For You
Mood:

not sure
Topic: "Fords and Dads" (2)

Frodo's father and Gerald Ford were a great deal alike. Their shared sense of personal integrity and their individual notions of hard work as the avenue to success is more evident to Frodo now, than at any other time. The levels of "separation" between these two men, who never met, is the theme of what follows. Frodo can attest, personally, to all that is stated here, as he was there, and observed exactly what was said.

Frodo's father served his country during World War II as a "Tech Sergeant" in the 55th Engineers, 10th Armored Division, in George Patton's Third Army. Not unlike most of his era, Frodo's father never spoke of his experiences, and what little Frodo learned, he heard from the conversations between his father and his fellow soldiers. These conversations took place at a reunion of the 10th Armored Division veterans which Frodo attended with his father. It was announced the final night of that reunion that the next reunion would be held in the Shire. Frodo's father, contrary to his military training, volunteered to help in any way possible.

The next reunion came and went, and it was hugely successful. Frodo, being a little older, and somewhat wiser, was able to glean even more information about what had happened during those dark days in Europe, and heard many references to and about his father. Frodo's father said nothing when Frodo asked him about some of the things he had heard. One of the things that Frodo did learn that one of the officers in his father's outfit had become an increasingly visible figure in the political world, although, at the time, Frodo had never heard of the guy.

Spiro Ted Agnew had been a Major in the 10th Armored Division, and in the time-frame of these reunions he had become a candidate for the position of Governor, in the State of Maryland. He, also, was active in any gathering of prospective voters, which certainly included veterans who were likely to vote in upcoming elections. Frodo's father began to receive correspondence from "Ted," generally thanking him for his good work in behalf of their "fellow" veterans. Frodo's father said nothing. Frodo's father worked on a shift that required his presence from 4:00 PM to Midnight. Frodo, of course, was in school, so his path with his father crossed only on weekends. Even then, Frodo was often up and long gone on Saturdays when his father finally awoke to face the tasks of husband and father away from "the plant."

One Saturday however, there were massive changes in everyone's schedule because of what had arrived in the mail the day before. A formal invitation to the Inaugural Ball of the newly-elected Governor of the State of Maryland arrived addressed to Frodo's father. Bilbo was as excited as Frodo has ever seen her, and she had passed information about the invitation to everyone whom she knew. That Friday night was a sociological study in "the temptations of Eve," for every lady in the Shire came by to see the, as yet, unopened invitation. When Frodo retreated for the evening he noted that Bilbo placed the invitation, along with all the rest of the mail, as usual, atop the refrigerator in the kitchen. It was Frodo's father's habit to glance through it the next morning, when he awoke. Frodo adjusted all of his Saturday plans to ensure that he would be there, with Bilbo, when his father opened the invitation.

That morning, the Hobbits waited expectantly around the kitchen table for Frodo's father to awake. He was, at first, shocked to see Frodo sitting still, much less to be inside on a Saturday. Bilbo was almost apoplectic. Finally, he began to thumb through the mail, piece by agonizing piece. He carefully studied each piece, and Bilbo was beginning to lose patience as most of his attention went to the envelope from the local bank, filled with canceled checks. In desperation, she pulled the invitation from the pile and thrust it into the hands of Frodo's father. He studied the outside of the envelope and silently observed the engravings thereon. Without a word, he dropped the entire unopened letter into the wastebasket. After Bilbo shrieked and almost threw herself headlong into the wastebasket, Frodo's father simply said, "He was a crook then, and he is a crook now!" From that moment on, for the rest of his life, he never mentioned the man's name again, nor did he ever comment on any of the events that followed.

Spiro Ted Agnew was observed by Agents of the FBI accepting bribes in the Office of the Vice-President of the United States, in the Old Executive Office Building on Pennsylvania Avenue, right next door to the White House. When he pleaded "nolo contendere" to avoid certain criminal prosecution, he was replaced by the appointment of Gerald Ford to the position of Vice President. Today, both Gerald Ford and Frodo's father are in Heaven somewhere, comparing notes about Spiro Ted Agnew. Agnew is burning in Hell, exactly where he belongs. Frodo, well Frodo is left to contemplate what men of high integrity do when confronted by evil. They deal with it, and they don't dwell on it.

Frodo wonders if out there, somewhere, somebody got an embossed invitation to the Inaugural Ball of the erstwhile Governor of Texas that they never opened?

Happy New Year Dear Reader!

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:20 PM EST

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Friday, December 29, 2006

You'll Be My Friend Should I Grow Old
Mood:

celebratory
Topic: "Christmas, 1936" (2)
"Cows love pumpkins,
Mules love squash.
How I love you,
oh!, my gosh." --- Cleatie Roden

Seventy years ago, on Christmas Eve, Claude and Cleatie Roden of Sand Mountain, Alabama, were married. Their 70th Wedding Anniversary will be celebrated by family and friends at their church in Ringgold, Georgia, tomorrow. Their marriage took place when she was 15, and he was 22.

Cleatie remembers her father buying a brand new car just prior to the Great Depression. As she tells the story to Frodo, she states that it remained in the garage for almost four years because they couldn't buy gas. Claude dropped out of school after the sixth grade in order to keep the family farm running, and he has done so to this day.

Modern conveniences began to accumulate in their farm house when they replaced their wind-powered radio, that only worked on windy nights, with an electric one, so that they could better tune into the Grand Ole Opry. Soon a refrigerator sat in the living room, a moment marked in Claude's memory by the introduction of ice cream into the household. Next came a washing machine, remembered primarly by young Wendell, the eldest off-spring, who got caught in the wringers, and whose younger brother, Jim, was responsible for releasing him from the grip of the Industrial Age.

Claude attributes faith and love of family as the cornerstone of their marriage. "We went to church all our life. We don't either one have any bad habits like smoking or drinking. We never had to doubt each other."

There is much to be remembered about people like Claude and Cleatie. The times that spawned people with an appreciation for a good life based on hard work make Frodo remember "The Grapes of Wrath," and other books that shaped his formation. Soon the last of America's veterans of the "War to End All Wars," will pass from our small blue planet, and the adults of the Great Depression will be no more. Claude and Cleatie will be among those who follow, those who have any recollection of those hard times at all.

It's just a shame that their poetry sucked. Maybe, if they'd just had a little glass of wine.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:42 PM EST

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Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Ya Gotta Be a Man, Ya Gotta Take a Stand, Only The Strong Survive
Mood:

don't ask
Topic: "The Perfect Storm" (2)

Saddam Hussein's appeal was denied today, thereby requiring under "Iraqi Law" that the death sentence be carried out within 30 days (January 25th).

George W. Bush will thrill the world with another "State of the Union" address on January 23rd.

George W. Bush has announced that he will decide, finally, his new and improved "stragedy" for the situation in Iraq "early in the New Year."

This confluence of events is not just ominous, it is life-threatening. The momentum that can swing events careening toward the precipice are all in motion at the same time, and even the Prince of Peace can offer little but a respite.

Frodo is standing, hands on hips, looking up at Mount Doom. Despite the best efforts of the Fellowship, and the determined assistance of Sam, there is the equivalent of a 100-foot wave bearing down on the Hobbits of Middle Earth. Countless brave men and women are in harm's way, facing assailants fore and aft, in the midst of an internecine struggle in a country that does not exist, and never has. The artificial borders neatly drawn on maps are subject to ethnic and religious entanglements which threaten to drown thousands in uncontrolled violence and bloodshed. No place is safe.

Not since the New Year of 1942 has there been an ominous moment that ensures little, if any, joy in the turning of the calendar. As the American military monthly death count in December races to exceed the record that belongs to October, Frodo looks at January with the anxious eyes of one who foresaw disaster from the first day. Frodo turns to Sam and says, "You ain't seen nothin' yet."

Would that Frodo, at long last, finally be proven incorrect. That is Frodo's prayer. Please join in.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:56 PM EST

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Monday, December 25, 2006

Say It Loud
Mood:

blue
Topic: "Blue Christmas" (2)
There are some who capture attention, just by walking into a room. When James Brown performed everyone paid attention to the stage, albeit not necessarily to the same things. For some, it was the lyrics that tied the beat into the mood and produced dialogue; and Papa had a brand new "bag." The costumes glistened without either rhinestones or a lack of good taste; they were surprisingly upscale. The choreography intermeshed the routine with the spontaneous and taking ones' eyes off the prize was therefore unthinkable. Finally, there was the music itself, whether it was to wail love's desire or to move the legs and hips of an audience, it never failed to offer an avenue for self-expression by the listener. Yes, dear reader, James Brown was a mighty man, and now he is no more.

Frodo remembers one aspect of this personality not covered well by the pundits this evening. James Brown was a peacemaker. He was used on several occasions by concerned levels of government to quell the emotions of the otherwise disenfranchised. His words were delivered in person or by the media to throngs threatening to turn to violence against injustice, and people listened to what he had to say. It is the greatest compliment Frodo can give on this day, to remember a man because he stood for peace and non-violence.

It goes without saying that James Brown was a flawed man, but artists are expected to experience depression and mood swings simply because of the creative process itself. Bad behavior is bad behavior however, and even James Brown had to pay the price for unacceptable conduct. That does not mean that he was any less an entertainer, or lacked musical artistry. James Brown took command of the changing tastes and emotions of his audiences and let them move to a new definition of the audio intake.

Frodo has been plagued however, by a single phrase in a single song for many years. Have you, dear reader, ever seen anyone dance the "Jump Back Jack?" Alas, perhaps on some dance floor somewhere Frodo will be taken by the hand and taught the solution to what portends to be one of those mysteries which live on after all of us. It would be wrong to make something up on his own and simply call it the "Jump Back Jack", because Frodo knows that James would be watching him, and laughing. Hobbits have big feet.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:47 PM EST

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Saturday, December 23, 2006

I Really Wanna Know You, But It Takes So Long My Sweet Lord
Mood:

spacey
Topic: "Billy World" (2)
Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) took his family cross-country in order to visit "Wally World." Imagine, dear reader, someday taking your family to visit a barn with a glass-entry in the shape of a cross, within which you will first be greeted by a talking cow who will lead you through the exhibits to the burial spot of the Reverend Billy Graham and his wife Ruth. Frodo supposes that you will then be able to buy a "Billy Graham Loved Me" Tee Shirt, and a Slurpee for the long ride home.

Franklin Graham, the 54-year-old son of Billy and Ruth, the developer of said project, is in conflict with his brother Ned and his three sisters over the eternal plans for their mother and father. Add in the fact that Ruth is totally against being buried in the theme park, wanting only to be buried next to her husband near their mountain cabin home. Billy, so we are told, is torn between the wishes of his wife and his belief in his son's judgment.

Frodo notes that Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker developed a theme park near Rock Hill, South Carolina, during their heyday. "Billy World" would be located just outside Charlotte, North Carolina, the home of NASCAR and few other tourist attractions. The Carolinas, which provide a buffer between the Atlantic Ocean and the American coastline, are a prime locale for such creations which some might feel make a mockery of the faithful. "Frankly," says Frodo, "given the perspective of global warming, doesn't it make sense that all these yahoos should be congregated in an area that could be destroyed by rising floodwaters?"

Charlton Heston is in pretty bad shape these days, so Franklin Graham may want to carefully consider whom he might call upon to part the floodwaters should the inevitable overtake the eternal. The Messianic leadership circles are badly thinned by sex and deviant sex shenanigans in recent times. In fact, such a task might actually have to be outsourced. It may not sit too well with the faithful if Arnold Schwarzenegger, Wesley Snipes, or Katie Couric were chosen to portray divine guidance.

Frodo is compelled to point out that there is another place on the little blue planet where religious people go to sanctify their faith on the bier of the divine. It is called Mecca; only there they don't sell Slurpees.

The Sioux Indians, who called themselves "the human beings," buried their great Chief Crazy Horse in a secret spot, undiscovered to this day, in the lands that had been their tribal home. Silly Indians, look at all the admission charges they lost.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:57 PM EST

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Thursday, December 21, 2006

I Fooled Around And Fell in Love
Mood:

happy
Topic: "Virgin Birth" (2)
Parthenogenesis is a process of asexual reproduction. Eggs become embryos without male fertilization, and parthenogenesis has been observed in about 70 species. As Christmas approaches, scientific explanations of current events make Frodo pay special attention to the details at hand. Flora, a Komodo Dragon at the Chester Zoo in England, has become pregnant on her own, and is scheduled to deliver seven little Komodren shortly. Parthenogenesis has never before been noted in Komodo Dragons.

At 8 years of age Flora is sexually mature. Having been raised entirely in captivity, she has never been exposed to a male Komodo Dragon. In May, Flora laid 25 eggs, a not uncommon event among many species, but the shocker came when it was determined that several of the eggs were fertile. DNA testing proved that only the genetic presence of the "Mother" existed in the offspring-to-be.

Parthenogenesis is an "either-or" occurrence in all previously observed instances. The Komodo Dragon is the first creature capable of reproducing both sexually and asexually. This survival weapon is not only important in a world where the remaining 4,000 Komodo Dragons include only 1,000 males, but it gives the Komodo a "tool" that separates it from all "higher" forms of life.

Don Imus, the bizarre but entertaining host of "Imus in the Morning," has been, of late, querying each of his male guests about any sexual relationship involving Mary Cheney, the daughter of the Vice President of the United States. Imus is conducting a personal investigation in order to determine the true parentage of the pregnant admitted lesbian.

Frodo notes a certain similarity in the appearance and the demeanor of the Komodo Dragon and the Cheney family. The long winter nights in Wyoming make for very strange bedfellows, supposes Frodo, and it is certainly the most sparsely distributed population in all of the lower 48 states. Imus may want to consider genetic testing.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:43 PM EST

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