Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Some People Are Made of Wood
Mood:

incredulous
Topic: "Royal Portrait" (2)
Frodo has been considering what exactly a President with no support will do for the next two years. Senators Chuck Hagel (R-Ne) and Olympia Snowe (R-Me) added credence to the dissolution of power in the Imperial Presidency of George W. Bush (Moron-Tx), by their public statements this day. Coming down solidly opposed to the "augmentation" of the proposed American military expansion in Iraq, the Senators have set the stage for fellow Republicans to apppear as judicious in their decision making, and wise beyond their partisan concerns.

It is but a question of time before a John Warner (R-Va) or Trent Lott (R-Ms), senior political statesmen, apply a political "coup de grace" to the increasingly bizarre Bush Administration. Frodo feels that Lott is the sentimental favorite, personally lobbying behind the scenes to revenge the lack of support from the Administration when demoted from the Majority Leader position in the Senate. If the truth be told, there will probably be a bit of a feeding frenzy around the naked corpse of the hallucinogenic alcoholic from Crawford. His many slights of Congresspeople in his own Party have not personally endeared him to many.

Frodo envisions the eventual unveiling of the George W. Bush Presidential portrait as one of the most spectacularly outstanding exhibitions in American Art History. Bush will have nothing else to do but sit for his portrait for the next two years. It will be hard for any artist to screw up the picture of a white man with a stick up his butt, sitting on a pet goat, in the nude.

Almost as ridiculous in his mind's eye, says Frodo, as trying to imagine how the people who voted for this clod, twice, must now feel.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:43 PM EST

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Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Really Love Your Peaches, Really Wanna Shake Your Tree
Mood:

on fire
Topic: "There is a Virginia" (2)
The execution of Saddam Hussein, the revised "stragedy" of the failed leader, and the "State of the Union" address, all of which comprise Frodo's predicted "perfect storm," culminate on the evening of January 23rd. The Presidential address will be followed by the Democratic response. This year, the response will be presented by newly-elected United States Senator James Webb (D-Va).

Oh boy!

If ever a shot will be fired across the bow of the Bush Ship of State, the red-headed former Secretary of the Navy will be the one pulling the trigger. Webb, who wears a pair of combat boots as long as his son remains on active duty in Iraq, will speak with both his mind and his heart out there for all to see. If ever a contrast is to be drawn between the ideological and the practical, on national television, that offers more than Edward R. Murrow and Senator Joseph McCarthy did fifty years ago, then the airwaves should be electric one week from tonight.

So many times Frodo has felt as if his voice echoed only in the forest, where trees fall, and no one knows the sound. So many have failed to stand and fight, and those who did were dismissed with a backward flip of the hand. Those who cried out sang only for the choir, and the planes landed at Dover, and no one dared film the coffins. It was as if an entire people were living out the first great song from Simon & Garfunkel.

Frodo will be standing alongside Senator Webb, watch for him. He is the little Macaca with tears in his eyes.

Yes Santa Claus, there is a Virginia. And in Springfield, Illinois, a former State Delegate, named Barack Obama, announced the creation of an exploratory committee to assess the potential for a presidential campaign. America, it seems, is returning to the strongest of her roots in order to rise from the ashes of deceit and incompetence.

Oh boy!

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:15 PM EST

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Monday, January 15, 2007

I Know I've Got To Find Some Kind Of Peace of Mind
Mood:

d'oh
Topic: "Stragedy" (2)
On purpose, Frodo has spent several days thinking about the world outside the Shire. Despite his intense distrust of anything proposed by George W. Bush, Frodo felt that context was a necessary next step. Despite Frodo's grave doubts about the course chosen by the American President, he felt it was important to dissect the variables. Failure to do so is exactly what Frodo uses to base his criticism of the Bush, dare he use the word, leadership. Frodo feels that George W. Bush had never heard the terms "Sunni" or "Shiite" until after the commencement of the Pre-Emptive War. That is why the conflict has spiraled totally out of his control.

Under the new, and improved, Bush plan, American troops are to be "embedded" with units of the Iraqi Army as "trainers" and "logistical support." The Bush Administration argues that this places the onus on the Iraqis to do the actual fighting, and puts them in the "lead."

Frodo questions the definition. Do the Iraqis interpret this to mean that the American troops embedded in one of their units come under the direction, and hence military command, of the Iraqis? Do the American soldiers obey direct orders issued by Iraqis, even if it contradicts instructions issued by their senior officers before they were embedded? If, dear reader, you were to ask George W. Bush, you might get one answer, but if you ask Mr. Maliki, you might get another. The point being that the variable of "command" is at best, unclear. It seems virtually impossible to issue definitive guidelines when the heat of battle may change the situation to one of life-and-death, or to one of criminal-versus-civil.

Imagine, for a moment, that you are embedded with an Iraqi unit, which just happens to be predominantly Sunni in its' make-up, and the unit comes under heavy fire from an "insurgent" group, say it just happens to be al Sadr's Mahdi Army, which is of course Shiite. Following your orders from the American command, you help to deploy the unit and to lay down small arms fire. It is becoming evident that the unit you are with is about to be overrun, and that the lives of all are in peril. The Unit commander orders you to lead a flanking movement and to "take no prisoners." Are you going to stand there, or squat if you don't want to risk getting shot, and tell him that you cannot do so? Is he going to draw his pistol and tell you to obey his command, or he's going to blow your infidel head off?

George, not having engaged in combat outside the auspices of the Alabama Air National Guard, didn't discuss that in his stirring speech, did he? Frodo asks, who is in command? The result of this obfuscation is blood in the street, and it will probably be from some kid from Pittsburgh, or Daly City, or Rollins, or Greeneville, and quite possibly from all of them. Mistakes, he's made a few, so who's to think that what is now proposed is error-free?

Not Frodo.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:09 PM EST

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Thursday, January 11, 2007

Hotter Than a Matchhead
Mood:

on fire
Topic: "Augmentation" (2)

Frodo stands silently, peering into the entrance of the cave atop Mount Doom. Loyal Sam is with him, and the Fellowship of the Ring stands defiantly before the Black Gate, awaiting the charge of Sauron's Army. Smeagol will challenge Frodo's effort to destroy the Ring, to ensure that the forces of death and destruction continue unabated, without end.

The Secretary of State told Senator Hagel that the President's increase in troop deployment to Iraq is an "augmentation," as opposed to the term "escalation" that he used. The addition of 21,000 troops specifically to the city limits of Baghdad and to neighboring An Bar Province is supposed to, as Frodo understands it, prevent "sectarian violence" in the area, allowing the "good guys" to police areas even after they have been cleansed of "bad guys."

21,000 troops.

Frodo wonders if Secretary Rice is aware of the fact that in New York City there are 45,000 police officers.

The President of the United States today presented, posthumously, the Medal of Honor to the family of the second American to receive this designation in the Pre-emptive War. The President appeared teary-eyed and genuinely moved by the solemnity of the service.

Frodo wonders if President Bush would've been equally moved had he attended the young man's funeral.

Senator Boxer told Secretary Rice that she had extreme concerns for the safety of her children and grandchildren because of the incompetent handling of the conduct of this War. She noted that since Secretary Rice doesn't have children that she is unable to share that concern.

Frodo wonders if anyone in the White House can share the Senator's concerns for the future of their family members serving in the Armed Forces.

Protestors in Lafayette Park, and loud they are. They are calling Frodo, and telling him that the time is nigh. Smeagol be damned.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:01 PM EST

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Monday, January 8, 2007

Do This, Don't Do That, Can't You Read The Sign?
Mood:

mischievious
In the year 2008, more than 500,000 foreigners will arrive in Beijing for the Summer Olympic Games. Those who speak English may be greeted by signs which reflect a certain difficulty in translation. Frodo has previewed the following samples of actual menu items and public signs which caused some consternation for the intended: a plate of fish on a bed of seaweed is translated as "Crap in the Grass;" and a spicy Sushi dish was identified as "Hot Crap." It seems that the inversion of 'a' and 'r' is a rather frequent occurence in China.

A sign warning of a wet floor in a shopping center subtly stated that "The Slippery are very Crafty." A public service sign for the public WC clearly identified the "Deformed Man Toilet." Frodo was quite concerned when he saw a road sign pointing to the entrance to "Racist Park," an amusement park that celebrates Chinese diversity (or does it?).

Brand names may also suffer, as does "Grandma Chen's Pockmarked Tofu," the "Christmas Bland" latte available at Starbuck's, and, of course, "Swallowing the Clouds," which probably has something to do with marshmallows.

300 English phrases are being taught to 48,000 taxi drivers who are being extolled as the introducers of "Chinglish." This valiant attempt at linguistic detente has its' own problems, such as the instructions on a Chinese-made candle which will warn the purchaser to "keep this candle out of children." Frodo has absolutely no problem with the literal aspect of said instruction.

All comedy aside, there is a greater problem here and it impacts directly on American Foreign Policy. Frodo believes that there is at least one resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue who would never notice. Unfortunately, his name is not Barney.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:19 PM EST

Updated: Monday, January 8, 2007 8:26 PM EST

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Sunday, January 7, 2007

The County Judge Held a Grudge For The Band On The Run
Mood:

cheeky
Topic: "Hold On Romo" (2)

Frodo's disdain for the State of Texas is well-documented. Chronologically, Frodo's opinion begins in San Antonio, where the Alamo is designated as the sacred symbol of the independence won from Mexico. Davy Crockett, Sam Houston, and a countless number of the other participants, were from Tennessee. Most Texans were too chicken-hearted to even take a break from their busy schedules. Geologically speaking, Texas is an ugly stretchmark upon the body of the United States. Were it not for the petroleum deposits and the cattle trails passing through the state, there would be absolutely no reason for any human or halfling to consider anything other than transit through this wretched, treeless entrance to Hell.

The only United States Secretary of the Treasury to declare personal bankruptcy was a Texan, John Connolly. The President of the United States who first created deficit spending in a vain attempt to maintain both "guns and butter" was a Texan, Lyndon Johnson. The worst traffic jam in the history of the United States occurred during the government-sponsored evacuation from Houston preceding Hurricane Wilma in October, 2006. All of these facts, and undoubtedly thousands more, pall before the reality that the only President of the United States to do damage to our country, who is by every imaginable standard the worst President we have ever known, is also a Texan. Frodo is content not even mentioning the moron's name.

Frodo has often said that the only good thing coming out of the State of Texas is the highway sign that says "You are Now Leaving." Frodo particularly dislikes the Dallas Cowboys Football Team, an organization arrogant enough to call itself "America's Team." Frodo exhibits his dark side when he revels in the disgrace of the Cowboys on national television, in front of God and country. Yesterday was one such day, and Frodo's celebration continues even now.

The arrogant and ignorant fans of the Cowboys were in love with a rookie quarterback named Tony Romo. Given their lack of knowledge, they were attempting to elevate him to sainthood for having done relatively well in a few games early in the season. Every Texas sweetie with chemically-enhanced glands was hot for the new hero. That is, until yesterday.

In case you didn't see it, Frodo has the scene laminated for future viewing. It shows Romo mis-handling the snap from center just as the Cowboys were attempting to kick a game-winning field goal. He was tackled with the ball in his possession, and the Cowboys lost the game, eliminating themselves from the Championship Play-Offs.

He walked, all alone, back to the clubhouse, and not one single teammate was shown even trying to console the kid.

Class act, eh? The eyes of Texas are on Tony Romo, and their minds are in the gutter.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 6:33 PM EST

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Saturday, January 6, 2007

These Are Honky Tonk Women
Mood:

flirty
Topic: "So Who's Sluggo?" (2)

Frodo has been considering the inevitability of politics in America, and how even the noblest always seem to be something else when history fully examines the corpus of the times. John Fitzgerald Kennedy, who energized a nation, and brought a generation to ask what they could do to help, was probably sexually active with a bimbo sponsored by the Mafia. Ronald Reagan, who made it politic to be patriotic, and initiated a revolution in political implementation, most probably violated the law and his Constitutional authority. Universally, politicial leaders of all shapes and sizes have succumbed to the call of pecuniary and glandular interests. This has caused Frodo to wonder about the sudden and marked presence of the feminine gender in positions of power, and what may happen in the days, and weeks, and months, and years to come.

"Madame President?"

"Yes Mr. Smeagol, what can I do for you?"

"Madame President, I was once a mere Hobbit, now I am here to inform you of a matter of great concern to your loyal supporters in the Shire."

"I see, and what might this entail?"

"Madame President, as you know, your support during the last election included an astounding percentage of registered voters in the Shire, and contributions by working Hobbits to your political campaign were far above the average of all Middle Earth."

"I am aware of the generous support of my constituents in the Shire. Your President is grateful. What is it that you seek, Mr. Smeagol?"

"Madame President, have you ever toured the Godiva Chocolate Factory? One of my business associates is arranging a weekend for certain favored consumers and friends of the company to bathe in the luxury of the finest designer chocolates in the world, and your friends in the Shire would be honored to arrange for you to join us."

"Godiva, you say? Hmmm, one of my favorite products of the Shire. However, I believe we stray from my question?"

"Madame President, I appreciate your focus, and wonder if you wouldn't like to perhaps attend an Armani Fashion Show after the factory tour? Given your exquisite taste, it would be an inspirational opportunity to review the contributions of American business to the growing economic trends in our nation."

"Armani? A Fashion Show??

"Excuse me, Madame President?"

(Enter, stage left, the President's Chief of Staff, Prince William, Son of the Prince of Wales, who has been in attendance, but busily polishing his saber during the conduct of the meeting).

"Yes Billy?"

"Madame President, it might be fortuitous to associate yourself with the upcoming product line of this nature. The economic benefit to a loyal constituent, the image of an aggressive and successful effort within a growing economy, and, undoubtedly, the gratitude of a corporate sponsor, all are positives to your re-election campaign," said the young man with the rounded buttocks.

"Madame President, if I may?," added Smeagol.

"You may."

"We can also arrange for selected gowns and accessories to be made available to you for specific State occasions. . ."

"What accessories?"

"Oh, trifles to be sure. Tiaras, a few bracelets, a brooch or two, all tastefully garnished in semi-precious stones. Nothing too ornate. Just something to make sure that there is no repeat of the infamous Laura Bush and two other red dresses at the same affair at the White House."

"I remember that, of course. These would be loaners, and I would be under no obligation?"

"But of course, all strictly on the up-and-up, and with absolutely no strings attached. In fact, you will probably never even remember anything about the donors. They will never bring it up. They have enough on their mind with that silly little issue with the IRS."

"What issue?"

"Oh, it's nothing. it seems that the IRS had some minor questions about their working relationship with the Godiva people. It's nothing really."

"Do you think we should have Billy look into it for us?"

"I think that might be good business."

"Okay, now what was the issue on your mind?"

"Oh forget about it, you're far too busy for such a trivial matter now, someday I'll simply make you an offer you can't refuse."

(The President exits, stage right, with a box of bon-bons).

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:25 PM EST

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Friday, January 5, 2007

Give Me The Beat Boys And Free My Soul
Mood:

lazy
Topic: "Writer's Block" (2)

Frodo gets irritated at little things, simply because they mar the natural order. For the second time, Frodo spent precious mental resources on a compositon to enthrall y'all and the damn thing disappeared into the ethernet. After careful review, so begins Frodo and the NFL Head Linesman who reviews the challenged play once a red flag is thrown, it has been determined that Frodo did not pay close enough attention to the fine print explaining how to edit a composition previously posted, then to return the corrected posting to the blue screen post edit. He got in a rush and didn't read the damn directions.

One might think that the composition was a baby, and that Frodo was frantically searching everywhere for the missing toddler. If so, dear reader, then you would not be far from the truth. What irritates Frodo is he knows that the damn thing is out there, just beyond his grasp, and he can't quite bring it back to where it belongs. So he gets mad, and he goes on strike.

That should adequately explain a few days of silence.

Should anyone out there discover a mindless composition entitled "Moovin' on up," please return to Frodo.

Sam thinks this is funny.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:03 PM EST

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Monday, January 1, 2007

After Midnight, We Gonna Let It All Hang Out
Mood:

vegas lucky
Topic: "Trekking Mount Doom" (2)

Frodo is not a party animal, at least not any more. Difficult it becomes to not only extend one's dietary discipline to accommodate the caloric increases brought about by fudge, cookies, and special libations, but to expect an automatic capacity to observe the AM hours which in recent times have become the reservation spot for reports of drive-by shootings. Frodo, quite frankly, feels as if he has experienced the last of his side bar glances to watch Dick Clark count down the seconds to the beginning of another New Year. Frodo will, as his observations have told him, soon be more concerned about joining the 4 o'clock seating at the "Piccadilly Cafeteria."

It will be refreshing to return to the somewhat more disciplined workaday world on the morrow. Despite the declaration of a "National Day of Mourning," and the subsequent closures of government and postal offices, Frodo will return to his trek up Mount Doom. Joined by Mick, the Wonder Dog, in the early morning for a run around the Keheley Elementary Gulag (why do schools still look like prisons?), Frodo will separate himself from his constant companion of the past few weeks, and drive, alone, in his motorcar to face the struggle against Sauron and the Orcs. Separation anxiety is in both of their eyes.

Frodo knows that, come this time a year from now, the struggle will be on-going, despite the Iraq Study Group, the tide of public opinion, or the number of vacation days spent clearing brush in Crawford. Frodo will return to the Shire every evening to re-energize with all the creatures of the Shire, simply because it is what he must do, as long as he can. He will spend much time listening and observing the words and the deeds of those who would replace Sauron. He will garner information from Richard Engel, Laura Logan, Tom Friedman, Tim Russert, Keith Olbermann, Chris Matthews, Christiane Amanpour, David Gergen, Pat Buchanan, Richard Brooks, and Gandalf himself; all of whom impress Frodo with an over-riding effort to put hard facts to the test against hurried and uninformed half-truth. He will intersperse his own adventures with a satirical switch to the ass of those who have gotten our small blue planet into such a, well, "malaise" sounds like the best word at this point in time.

Frodo looks to the New Year, grimly. These will not be good or easy times. Good men and women will die, for little cause. Evil will permeate the indulgences of those who separate themselves from the suffering. Calamity will befall innocence without mercy. Without Sam and the Brotherhood of the Ring, the Hobbit would have no choice but to withdraw from the daunting task of rising a just and able ruler from the ashes. Frodo knows that he must not fail. It is just that each step gets a little heavier than the last. The light still breaks below the horizon.

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:36 PM EST

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Sunday, December 31, 2006

Everything I Do, I Do It For You
Mood:

not sure
Topic: "Fords and Dads" (2)

Frodo's father and Gerald Ford were a great deal alike. Their shared sense of personal integrity and their individual notions of hard work as the avenue to success is more evident to Frodo now, than at any other time. The levels of "separation" between these two men, who never met, is the theme of what follows. Frodo can attest, personally, to all that is stated here, as he was there, and observed exactly what was said.

Frodo's father served his country during World War II as a "Tech Sergeant" in the 55th Engineers, 10th Armored Division, in George Patton's Third Army. Not unlike most of his era, Frodo's father never spoke of his experiences, and what little Frodo learned, he heard from the conversations between his father and his fellow soldiers. These conversations took place at a reunion of the 10th Armored Division veterans which Frodo attended with his father. It was announced the final night of that reunion that the next reunion would be held in the Shire. Frodo's father, contrary to his military training, volunteered to help in any way possible.

The next reunion came and went, and it was hugely successful. Frodo, being a little older, and somewhat wiser, was able to glean even more information about what had happened during those dark days in Europe, and heard many references to and about his father. Frodo's father said nothing when Frodo asked him about some of the things he had heard. One of the things that Frodo did learn that one of the officers in his father's outfit had become an increasingly visible figure in the political world, although, at the time, Frodo had never heard of the guy.

Spiro Ted Agnew had been a Major in the 10th Armored Division, and in the time-frame of these reunions he had become a candidate for the position of Governor, in the State of Maryland. He, also, was active in any gathering of prospective voters, which certainly included veterans who were likely to vote in upcoming elections. Frodo's father began to receive correspondence from "Ted," generally thanking him for his good work in behalf of their "fellow" veterans. Frodo's father said nothing. Frodo's father worked on a shift that required his presence from 4:00 PM to Midnight. Frodo, of course, was in school, so his path with his father crossed only on weekends. Even then, Frodo was often up and long gone on Saturdays when his father finally awoke to face the tasks of husband and father away from "the plant."

One Saturday however, there were massive changes in everyone's schedule because of what had arrived in the mail the day before. A formal invitation to the Inaugural Ball of the newly-elected Governor of the State of Maryland arrived addressed to Frodo's father. Bilbo was as excited as Frodo has ever seen her, and she had passed information about the invitation to everyone whom she knew. That Friday night was a sociological study in "the temptations of Eve," for every lady in the Shire came by to see the, as yet, unopened invitation. When Frodo retreated for the evening he noted that Bilbo placed the invitation, along with all the rest of the mail, as usual, atop the refrigerator in the kitchen. It was Frodo's father's habit to glance through it the next morning, when he awoke. Frodo adjusted all of his Saturday plans to ensure that he would be there, with Bilbo, when his father opened the invitation.

That morning, the Hobbits waited expectantly around the kitchen table for Frodo's father to awake. He was, at first, shocked to see Frodo sitting still, much less to be inside on a Saturday. Bilbo was almost apoplectic. Finally, he began to thumb through the mail, piece by agonizing piece. He carefully studied each piece, and Bilbo was beginning to lose patience as most of his attention went to the envelope from the local bank, filled with canceled checks. In desperation, she pulled the invitation from the pile and thrust it into the hands of Frodo's father. He studied the outside of the envelope and silently observed the engravings thereon. Without a word, he dropped the entire unopened letter into the wastebasket. After Bilbo shrieked and almost threw herself headlong into the wastebasket, Frodo's father simply said, "He was a crook then, and he is a crook now!" From that moment on, for the rest of his life, he never mentioned the man's name again, nor did he ever comment on any of the events that followed.

Spiro Ted Agnew was observed by Agents of the FBI accepting bribes in the Office of the Vice-President of the United States, in the Old Executive Office Building on Pennsylvania Avenue, right next door to the White House. When he pleaded "nolo contendere" to avoid certain criminal prosecution, he was replaced by the appointment of Gerald Ford to the position of Vice President. Today, both Gerald Ford and Frodo's father are in Heaven somewhere, comparing notes about Spiro Ted Agnew. Agnew is burning in Hell, exactly where he belongs. Frodo, well Frodo is left to contemplate what men of high integrity do when confronted by evil. They deal with it, and they don't dwell on it.

Frodo wonders if out there, somewhere, somebody got an embossed invitation to the Inaugural Ball of the erstwhile Governor of Texas that they never opened?

Happy New Year Dear Reader!

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:20 PM EST

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