Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Oh Stormy, Bring Back That Sunny Day
Mood:

irritated
Topic: "Is That in America?" (2)
"Mr. Snow, Frodo here, from the SHIRE STAR & ENQUIRER."

"Yes Mr. Frodo, I recognize you."

"Sir, I have a question about the Presidents' State of the Union Address to the American People last night."

"Before you begin Mr. Frodo, let me tell you that we now refer to that as SOTU, and it was presented by POTUS."

"Excuse me?"

"Yes, last night's address is now to be referred to as SOTU POTUS."

"Okay, well, if you don't mind I think many people were surprised by the fact that POTUS never made any mention whatsoever of the events surrounding Hurricane Katrina and the continuing effort to rebuild The City of Orleans, in his SOTU. Was that intentional, or merely an oversight?"

"Excellent question Mr. Frodo, for it is true that SOTU by POTUS was not a SNAFU, rather it was actually a deliberate act. POTUS is preparing to announce a new energy initiative which will also provide positive emphasis to our continuing economic growth."

"So, what does that have to do with what I guess you now call NOLA?"

"Very good Mr. Frodo, you're catching on."

"You see the POTUS is working on a plan for the displaced refugees from NOLA to apply their knowledge of the oil & gas industry in the AWRDP. High-paying jobs in energy exploration will be offered to these people from an energy-rich state, and this will help reduce our dependence on foreign oil. It'll help POTUS in the War against Terrorism."

"Excuse me, Mr. Snow, what is AWRDP?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you knew, it's the exploration for oil and gas deposits in the Arctic Wildlife Refuge as it is sometimes called. We refer to it as AWRDP."

"Are you serious? He's talking about sending a bunch of black people from the 9th Ward of NOLA to AWRDP in order to drill for oil?"

"Actually, the plan specifically calls for AADIP's to be housed in excess FEMA trailers while in the AWRDP as part of the effort by POTUS to expand upon the SOTU."

"I hazard to ask. AADIP's?"

"Yes, African-American Displaced Indigent Peoples, that is what is now known as AADIP's."

"Tony?"

"Yes Mr. Frodo?"

"Why didn't the POTUS mention this last night?"

"Well the TSA, which is, of course, part of the DHS, was concerned that without the AG present, the POTUS SOTU on AWRDP for AADIP's might come across as a SNAFU by FEMA."

"Sorry I asked."

"Well, frankly, that's exactly the response I was hoping to get."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:15 PM EST

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Monday, January 22, 2007

Don't Be Cruel To a Heart That's True
Mood:

happy
Topic: "High Chair" (2)
Frodo dialed "911" at least three times over the years, for he was convinced that John McCormack was dead. With all due respect, the guy was a walking corpse, and sitting up there listening to all that crap as if he really cared, would be enough to take the measure of anyone. Tip O'Neill, despite all his political wisdom, had a bulbous nose, and he always looked as if he'd had a snoot full before the speech even started. Newt Gingrich and Dennis Hastert both looked as if they were shifting about in order to surreptitously pass gas. Nancy Pelosi should, by default, tomorrow night, be the prettiest thing to ever sit in that chair behind the President, and beside the (shudder) Vice President.

Frodo sincerely hopes that she not appear in a pants suit, for fear that George W. Bush may become distracted and mistake her for Laura. After all, the speech will begin right about the normal bedtime for the current version of Bonzo.

Further, Frodo recommends that the Speakeress keep her arms crossed throughout the speech, and that she remain seated at all times. Should the President, by some miracle, actually construct an intelligible sentence, which reflects any modicum of rational thought, by merely tweaking her nose (ala "Bewitched") the Members of the House and Senate can proffer polite applause in recognition. Otherwise, the gentlemen of the House and Senate would be in total confusion about when to courteously stand or be seated.

Frankly, Frodo is hoping that Ms. Pelosi tastefully exhibit jewelry. A small gold brick should dangle from her charm bracelet, to symbolize the accomplishments of the recently concluded 109th Congress. A yellow ribbon, over her heart, symbolizing those of us who wait for all our boys to come home. And yes an American Flag, perhaps on a necklace, with diamonds, rubies, and sapphires.

Tomorrow night, Nancy Pelosi will sit where no woman has sat before. You go, girl!

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:25 PM EST

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Sunday, January 21, 2007

Tomorrow May Rain, So I'll Follow The Sun
Mood:

party time!
Topic: "Who dat?" (2)
Duke Snider was a great baseball player who proffered the fact that he played the game for the money, not because of some pure affection for the game. In those days, one would've thought that he had admitted to a certain sympathy for Communism. It was the "national pastime," and it was an honor to walk where Babe Ruth had walked, or stand where Walter Johnson had stood. It was beyond comprehension for anyone to expect that he could play for whom he wanted, and that he could negotiate his own financial deal. Something called the "reserve clause" allowed the financial owners of the major league francises to treat their players as chattel. Duke Snider's suggestion that money was an issue was a direct frontal assault on the special treatment afforded team owners.

"My, my, how times have changed," said Frodo as he stared at the make-up of the various football teams contesting for the right to go to the Super Bowl. The New Orleans Saints, who had a worse record than every other team in the entire National Footbal League, except one, were getting ready to face the Chicago Bears for the NFC title this year. The revamped Saints success revolved around "free agent" Drew Brees, their quarterback for the next 6 seasons at $10 Million per season.

The allegiance of player, coach, community, and fan is long gone in American professional sports. Duke Snider was merely a predictor of the prevailing attitude that ensnarls our games into our business. Despite all of that, Frodo couldn't help but root for the Saints in their game, if not merely for the fans, who really deserve some good news, and a good reason to cheer. Alas, it was not to be.

Brooks Robinson, the Hall of Fame Third Baseman of the Baltimore Orioles once received a blank contract from the owner of the Orioles. The owner explained that Robinson was such a great player, that he represented everything that the Orioles wanted to be, and that he was an Ambassador-at-large for their community. For that reason, he told Robinson to put in a figure as the salary he thought he deserved for the upcoming season.

$20,000.

My, my, how times have changed.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:35 PM EST

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Friday, January 19, 2007

Believe It or Not It's Just Me
Mood:

celebratory
Topic: "Great American Hero" (2)

Dutch Van Kirk was a veteran of 58 flights over Europe as 1943 came to an end. In addition to bombing German cities, he'd flown Eisenhower and Mark Clark into North Africa. The rotational nature of wartime piloting however, meant that his next assignments would reduce his exposure to harm's way. Despite the importance of the training that he could provide to those who would follow, he was quick to take advantage of an opportunity to return to his Navigator's role. To this day he and Paul Tibbets disagree as to whether or not he volunteered when asked if he would be interested in a new assignment, this time in the Pacific.

Frodo placed his chin in the cup of his fingers as he listened, enthralled, to the remembrances of the 86 year-old resident of Stone Mountain, Georgia. Van Kirk spoke of the security measures surrounding the training, which took place in remote corners of the globe including Cuba, the Phillipines, and the Northern Marianna Islands. Military personnel who disclosed information, even inadvertently, found themselves reassigned to the Aleutian Islands. He told the entire roomful of people that he got to know many of the non-military scientists personally, and that Enrico Fermi and Robert Oppenheimer were often offering suggestions and asking questions of him. In the end, he said, they told him their best guess was that the plane would have to be at least nine miles away from the site when the explosion occurred.

"You guess?," he said.

The night before they took off, neither he nor Tibbets, nor any of the other crew members slept a wink.

"We played poker, all of us." When the game was over, the crew felt as if they were entering a Hollywood movie set, although there were no media present, at all. Then at 2:45 AM, their plane taxied down the runway and, even though it was more than 8800 pounds overweight, lifted to 2000 feet where they held steady until they reached Iwo Jima. Their instructions were not to land anywhere if trouble occurred.

From Iwo the "Enola B Gay" climbed to 30,000 feet, and Tibbets levelled her at that altitude until they approached the target. To this point, the entire mission was flawless. Exactly 12 seconds past the prescribed moment, and 1800 feet from the surface of the Earth, the bomb exploded. It took exactly 43 seconds for the 9400 pound package to escape the plane and to detonate. As soon as it was released, Tibbets turned the plane 150 degrees, nose down, and at full throttle the plane would be 12 miles away when the blast commenced.

All of the crew wore dark glasses, and none of the cockpit crew saw anything other than the sensation of light coming from behind. The rear turret gunner saw the first shock wave coming. When it struck it was as if flak was exploding about the plane. A second shock wave followed shortly thereafter.

"At Nagasaki," he said, "there was a third shock wave. That was because it was a plutonium bomb. The one we dropped was the only U-235 bomb, and that was because it used up all the U-235 which had taken Oak Ridge three full years to manufacture." "In fact, the Japanese knew that we didn't have enough U-235 to make another bomb, and that is why they didn't respond to the first call to unconditional surrender. They didn't believe we could do it again, so soon."

Frodo had not remembered to breathe for the last several minutes; just listening.

"We circled back, but by then there was only a cloud stretching beyond 50,000 feet, and we were unable to see anything of the earth's surface, so we headed home to Tinian. We could see the cloud in the distance some 267 miles later."

Van Kirk said that every general and admiral in the whole American military establishment was waiting for them when they landed. When the de-briefings were over Van Kirk exercised the committment given to him previously, and he left active duty and returned home.

From the audience a gentleman introduced himself, and stated that he was a US Marine, on Okinawa, on that fateful day in August, 1945, and that he had always wanted to shake the hands of the men who brought the War to an end. Frodo felt his heart in his throat as the once-warriors embraced.

Dutch van Kirk had a moment in time, just as Andy Warhol so eloquently described of us all. His moment changed the world, forever. There are many remarkable people, and Frodo got to know one more. It is Frodo's good fortune.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:53 PM EST

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Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Some People Are Made of Wood
Mood:

incredulous
Topic: "Royal Portrait" (2)
Frodo has been considering what exactly a President with no support will do for the next two years. Senators Chuck Hagel (R-Ne) and Olympia Snowe (R-Me) added credence to the dissolution of power in the Imperial Presidency of George W. Bush (Moron-Tx), by their public statements this day. Coming down solidly opposed to the "augmentation" of the proposed American military expansion in Iraq, the Senators have set the stage for fellow Republicans to apppear as judicious in their decision making, and wise beyond their partisan concerns.

It is but a question of time before a John Warner (R-Va) or Trent Lott (R-Ms), senior political statesmen, apply a political "coup de grace" to the increasingly bizarre Bush Administration. Frodo feels that Lott is the sentimental favorite, personally lobbying behind the scenes to revenge the lack of support from the Administration when demoted from the Majority Leader position in the Senate. If the truth be told, there will probably be a bit of a feeding frenzy around the naked corpse of the hallucinogenic alcoholic from Crawford. His many slights of Congresspeople in his own Party have not personally endeared him to many.

Frodo envisions the eventual unveiling of the George W. Bush Presidential portrait as one of the most spectacularly outstanding exhibitions in American Art History. Bush will have nothing else to do but sit for his portrait for the next two years. It will be hard for any artist to screw up the picture of a white man with a stick up his butt, sitting on a pet goat, in the nude.

Almost as ridiculous in his mind's eye, says Frodo, as trying to imagine how the people who voted for this clod, twice, must now feel.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:43 PM EST

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Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Really Love Your Peaches, Really Wanna Shake Your Tree
Mood:

on fire
Topic: "There is a Virginia" (2)
The execution of Saddam Hussein, the revised "stragedy" of the failed leader, and the "State of the Union" address, all of which comprise Frodo's predicted "perfect storm," culminate on the evening of January 23rd. The Presidential address will be followed by the Democratic response. This year, the response will be presented by newly-elected United States Senator James Webb (D-Va).

Oh boy!

If ever a shot will be fired across the bow of the Bush Ship of State, the red-headed former Secretary of the Navy will be the one pulling the trigger. Webb, who wears a pair of combat boots as long as his son remains on active duty in Iraq, will speak with both his mind and his heart out there for all to see. If ever a contrast is to be drawn between the ideological and the practical, on national television, that offers more than Edward R. Murrow and Senator Joseph McCarthy did fifty years ago, then the airwaves should be electric one week from tonight.

So many times Frodo has felt as if his voice echoed only in the forest, where trees fall, and no one knows the sound. So many have failed to stand and fight, and those who did were dismissed with a backward flip of the hand. Those who cried out sang only for the choir, and the planes landed at Dover, and no one dared film the coffins. It was as if an entire people were living out the first great song from Simon & Garfunkel.

Frodo will be standing alongside Senator Webb, watch for him. He is the little Macaca with tears in his eyes.

Yes Santa Claus, there is a Virginia. And in Springfield, Illinois, a former State Delegate, named Barack Obama, announced the creation of an exploratory committee to assess the potential for a presidential campaign. America, it seems, is returning to the strongest of her roots in order to rise from the ashes of deceit and incompetence.

Oh boy!

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:15 PM EST

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Monday, January 15, 2007

I Know I've Got To Find Some Kind Of Peace of Mind
Mood:

d'oh
Topic: "Stragedy" (2)
On purpose, Frodo has spent several days thinking about the world outside the Shire. Despite his intense distrust of anything proposed by George W. Bush, Frodo felt that context was a necessary next step. Despite Frodo's grave doubts about the course chosen by the American President, he felt it was important to dissect the variables. Failure to do so is exactly what Frodo uses to base his criticism of the Bush, dare he use the word, leadership. Frodo feels that George W. Bush had never heard the terms "Sunni" or "Shiite" until after the commencement of the Pre-Emptive War. That is why the conflict has spiraled totally out of his control.

Under the new, and improved, Bush plan, American troops are to be "embedded" with units of the Iraqi Army as "trainers" and "logistical support." The Bush Administration argues that this places the onus on the Iraqis to do the actual fighting, and puts them in the "lead."

Frodo questions the definition. Do the Iraqis interpret this to mean that the American troops embedded in one of their units come under the direction, and hence military command, of the Iraqis? Do the American soldiers obey direct orders issued by Iraqis, even if it contradicts instructions issued by their senior officers before they were embedded? If, dear reader, you were to ask George W. Bush, you might get one answer, but if you ask Mr. Maliki, you might get another. The point being that the variable of "command" is at best, unclear. It seems virtually impossible to issue definitive guidelines when the heat of battle may change the situation to one of life-and-death, or to one of criminal-versus-civil.

Imagine, for a moment, that you are embedded with an Iraqi unit, which just happens to be predominantly Sunni in its' make-up, and the unit comes under heavy fire from an "insurgent" group, say it just happens to be al Sadr's Mahdi Army, which is of course Shiite. Following your orders from the American command, you help to deploy the unit and to lay down small arms fire. It is becoming evident that the unit you are with is about to be overrun, and that the lives of all are in peril. The Unit commander orders you to lead a flanking movement and to "take no prisoners." Are you going to stand there, or squat if you don't want to risk getting shot, and tell him that you cannot do so? Is he going to draw his pistol and tell you to obey his command, or he's going to blow your infidel head off?

George, not having engaged in combat outside the auspices of the Alabama Air National Guard, didn't discuss that in his stirring speech, did he? Frodo asks, who is in command? The result of this obfuscation is blood in the street, and it will probably be from some kid from Pittsburgh, or Daly City, or Rollins, or Greeneville, and quite possibly from all of them. Mistakes, he's made a few, so who's to think that what is now proposed is error-free?

Not Frodo.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:09 PM EST

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Thursday, January 11, 2007

Hotter Than a Matchhead
Mood:

on fire
Topic: "Augmentation" (2)

Frodo stands silently, peering into the entrance of the cave atop Mount Doom. Loyal Sam is with him, and the Fellowship of the Ring stands defiantly before the Black Gate, awaiting the charge of Sauron's Army. Smeagol will challenge Frodo's effort to destroy the Ring, to ensure that the forces of death and destruction continue unabated, without end.

The Secretary of State told Senator Hagel that the President's increase in troop deployment to Iraq is an "augmentation," as opposed to the term "escalation" that he used. The addition of 21,000 troops specifically to the city limits of Baghdad and to neighboring An Bar Province is supposed to, as Frodo understands it, prevent "sectarian violence" in the area, allowing the "good guys" to police areas even after they have been cleansed of "bad guys."

21,000 troops.

Frodo wonders if Secretary Rice is aware of the fact that in New York City there are 45,000 police officers.

The President of the United States today presented, posthumously, the Medal of Honor to the family of the second American to receive this designation in the Pre-emptive War. The President appeared teary-eyed and genuinely moved by the solemnity of the service.

Frodo wonders if President Bush would've been equally moved had he attended the young man's funeral.

Senator Boxer told Secretary Rice that she had extreme concerns for the safety of her children and grandchildren because of the incompetent handling of the conduct of this War. She noted that since Secretary Rice doesn't have children that she is unable to share that concern.

Frodo wonders if anyone in the White House can share the Senator's concerns for the future of their family members serving in the Armed Forces.

Protestors in Lafayette Park, and loud they are. They are calling Frodo, and telling him that the time is nigh. Smeagol be damned.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:01 PM EST

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Monday, January 8, 2007

Do This, Don't Do That, Can't You Read The Sign?
Mood:

mischievious
In the year 2008, more than 500,000 foreigners will arrive in Beijing for the Summer Olympic Games. Those who speak English may be greeted by signs which reflect a certain difficulty in translation. Frodo has previewed the following samples of actual menu items and public signs which caused some consternation for the intended: a plate of fish on a bed of seaweed is translated as "Crap in the Grass;" and a spicy Sushi dish was identified as "Hot Crap." It seems that the inversion of 'a' and 'r' is a rather frequent occurence in China.

A sign warning of a wet floor in a shopping center subtly stated that "The Slippery are very Crafty." A public service sign for the public WC clearly identified the "Deformed Man Toilet." Frodo was quite concerned when he saw a road sign pointing to the entrance to "Racist Park," an amusement park that celebrates Chinese diversity (or does it?).

Brand names may also suffer, as does "Grandma Chen's Pockmarked Tofu," the "Christmas Bland" latte available at Starbuck's, and, of course, "Swallowing the Clouds," which probably has something to do with marshmallows.

300 English phrases are being taught to 48,000 taxi drivers who are being extolled as the introducers of "Chinglish." This valiant attempt at linguistic detente has its' own problems, such as the instructions on a Chinese-made candle which will warn the purchaser to "keep this candle out of children." Frodo has absolutely no problem with the literal aspect of said instruction.

All comedy aside, there is a greater problem here and it impacts directly on American Foreign Policy. Frodo believes that there is at least one resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue who would never notice. Unfortunately, his name is not Barney.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:19 PM EST

Updated: Monday, January 8, 2007 8:26 PM EST

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Sunday, January 7, 2007

The County Judge Held a Grudge For The Band On The Run
Mood:

cheeky
Topic: "Hold On Romo" (2)

Frodo's disdain for the State of Texas is well-documented. Chronologically, Frodo's opinion begins in San Antonio, where the Alamo is designated as the sacred symbol of the independence won from Mexico. Davy Crockett, Sam Houston, and a countless number of the other participants, were from Tennessee. Most Texans were too chicken-hearted to even take a break from their busy schedules. Geologically speaking, Texas is an ugly stretchmark upon the body of the United States. Were it not for the petroleum deposits and the cattle trails passing through the state, there would be absolutely no reason for any human or halfling to consider anything other than transit through this wretched, treeless entrance to Hell.

The only United States Secretary of the Treasury to declare personal bankruptcy was a Texan, John Connolly. The President of the United States who first created deficit spending in a vain attempt to maintain both "guns and butter" was a Texan, Lyndon Johnson. The worst traffic jam in the history of the United States occurred during the government-sponsored evacuation from Houston preceding Hurricane Wilma in October, 2006. All of these facts, and undoubtedly thousands more, pall before the reality that the only President of the United States to do damage to our country, who is by every imaginable standard the worst President we have ever known, is also a Texan. Frodo is content not even mentioning the moron's name.

Frodo has often said that the only good thing coming out of the State of Texas is the highway sign that says "You are Now Leaving." Frodo particularly dislikes the Dallas Cowboys Football Team, an organization arrogant enough to call itself "America's Team." Frodo exhibits his dark side when he revels in the disgrace of the Cowboys on national television, in front of God and country. Yesterday was one such day, and Frodo's celebration continues even now.

The arrogant and ignorant fans of the Cowboys were in love with a rookie quarterback named Tony Romo. Given their lack of knowledge, they were attempting to elevate him to sainthood for having done relatively well in a few games early in the season. Every Texas sweetie with chemically-enhanced glands was hot for the new hero. That is, until yesterday.

In case you didn't see it, Frodo has the scene laminated for future viewing. It shows Romo mis-handling the snap from center just as the Cowboys were attempting to kick a game-winning field goal. He was tackled with the ball in his possession, and the Cowboys lost the game, eliminating themselves from the Championship Play-Offs.

He walked, all alone, back to the clubhouse, and not one single teammate was shown even trying to console the kid.

Class act, eh? The eyes of Texas are on Tony Romo, and their minds are in the gutter.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 6:33 PM EST

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